• DYM Editorial Staff

DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2017 #5!!!!! - The NFL's Funniest Names 2017


What's up, Special ed?

How's your summer goin? It’s hot as fuck over here.

Football is just weeks away, which means it’s time to start checking out the rankings and running some mock drafts. One of the cardinal rules of off-season DYM is you can never do too many mock drafts. We did hundreds last year. You gotta start early to get those reps in. But before the preseason starts a lot of teams' depth charts are not yet settled, making it hard to nail down your mock-draft-board rankings.

But the one thing we can rank in the preseason with confidence is FUNNY NAMES!!!!!

That's right! We took the top 140 players in this year’s fantasy draft and ranked their names by who's the funniest. Unfortunately, because Special Ed is a 10 team league, there are some absolute STUD funny names like Leonte Caroo and Wendell Smallwood that will most likely not be drafted, so they are not ranked here.

The thing that's most striking about this list is how much funnier NFL players' names have become in just the last few years. I feel like there was a time when Ben Roethlisberger, Lesean McCoy, or Marshawn Lynch seemed like funny names, but they are downright pedestrian by today's standards. Even the former GOAT Danny Woodhead has been overtaken by two other RBs in the last two years. They just keep getting funnier.

It's gonna get hard to keep up, what's funnier than Samaje Perine?! I have no idea. I’m thinking we just need to start using whole Chris Rock jokes for names. Like my next kid (boy or girl) will be named "Every-town-has-two-malls The-one-white-people-go-to-and-the-one-white-people-used-to-go-to Bernstein" I’m calling it. You guys can’t use that one.

Might be a top 20 funny name in the NFL in the year 2040.

I went ahead and grouped them all in TIERS to make the list a bit easier to digest:

  • The First Tier names are names that seem totally made up, they have funny first and last names – just impossibly funny names.

  • Tier 2 names are where you're like “What? Is that a name? OK, LOL!”

  • Tiers 3 - 5 are solid funny names, and Tier 4 are all alliterative.

  • Tiers 6 and 7 really roll off the tongue nicely, fun guys to talk about, but not side-splitting.

  • Tiers 8 and 9 are, like, good names, but they could use a nickname.

  • Tier 10 are mildly interesting and Tier 11 are regular-ass names.

Here's the list!

Tier 1

1 - Samaje Perine WAS - RB

2 - Jay Ajayi MIA - RB

3 - Danny Woodhead BAL - RB

4 - LeGarrette Blount PHI - RB

5 - Coby Fleener NO - TE

6 - Golden Tate DET - WR

7 - Quincy Enunwa NYJ - WR

8 - Todd Gurley LAR - RB

Tier 2

9 - Stefon Diggs MIN - WR

10 - Willie Snead NO - WR

11 - Dak Prescott DAL - QB

12 - Eddie Lacy SEA - RB

13 - Sammy Watkins BUF - WR

14 - Melvin Gordon LAC - RB

15 - Dez Bryant DAL - WR

16 - Rob Gronkowski NE - TE

17 - Donte Moncrief IND - WR

18 - Odell Beckham Jr. NYG - WR

Tier 3

19 - Kyle Rudolph MIN - TE

20 - Amari Cooper OAK - WR

21 - Leonard Fournette JAC - RB

22 - DeAndre Hopkins HOU - WR

23 - Ben Roethlisberger PIT - QB

24 - Cameron Meredith CHI - WR

25 - Joe Mixon CIN - RB

26 - Ty Montgomery GB - RB

27 - Jarvis Landry MIA - WR

28 - Tyler Eifert CIN - TE

29 - Jameis Winston TB - QB

30 - Travis Kelce KC - TE

31 - Jack Doyle IND - TE

32 - Duke Johnson CLE - RB

Tier 4

33 - Paul Perkins NYG - RB

34 - Blake Bortles JAC - QB

35 - Ezekiel Elliott DAL - RB

36 - Tyrod Taylor BUF - QB

37 - Kirk Cousins WAS - QB

38 - Corey Coleman CLE - WR

39 - Julio Jones ATL - WR

40 - Ameer Abdullah DET - RB

41 - Marcus Mariota TEN - QB

42 - Hunter Henry LAC - TE

43 - Eric Ebron DET - TE

Tier 5

44 - Jordy Nelson GB - WR

45 - Giovani Bernard CIN - RB

46 - Demaryius Thomas DEN - WR

47 - Bilal Powell NYJ - RB

48 - Tyreek Hill KC - WR

49 - Drew Brees NO - QB

50 - Andrew Luck IND - QB

51 - Michael Crabtree OAK - WR

52 - C.J. Prosise SEA - RB

53 - Zach Ertz PHI - TE

54 - Martavis Bryant PIT - WR

55 - Martellus Bennett GB - TE

56 - Terrelle Pryor WAS - WR

57 - Keenan Allen LAC - WR

58 - Christian McCaffrey CAR - RB

Tier 6

59 - Le'Veon Bell PIT - RB

60 - Robert Kelley WAS - RB

61 - Spencer Ware KC - RB

62 - Devonta Freeman ATL - RB

63 - LeSean McCoy BUF - RB

64 - Mike Gillislee NE - RB

65 - Jamison Crowder WAS - WR

66 - Mark Ingram NO - RB

67 - Jordan Reed WAS - TE

68 - T.Y. Hilton IND - WR

69 - Alshon Jeffery PHI - WR

70 - Randall Cobb GB - WR

71 - Theo Riddick DET - RB

Tier 7

72 - Marshawn Lynch OAK - RB

73 - Kenny Britt CLE - WR

74 - Jeremy Maclin BAL - WR

75 - Rishard Matthews TEN - WR

76 - Thomas Rawls SEA - RB

77 - Adam Thielen MIN - WR

78 - Breshad Perriman BAL - WR

79 - Davante Adams GB - WR

80 - Julian Edelman NE - WR

81 - Tevin Coleman ATL - RB

82 - Dalvin Cook MIN - RB

Tier 8

83 - Frank Gore IND - RB

84 - Latavius Murray MIN - RB

85 - Matt Forte NYJ - RB

86 - Derek Carr OAK - QB

87 - Pierre Garcon SF - WR

88 - DeSean Jackson TB - WR

89 - Emmanuel Sanders DEN - WR

90 - Isaiah Crowell CLE - RB

91 - Brandin Cooks NE - WR

92 - Carlos Hyde SF - RB

93 - Kareem Hunt KC - RB

94 - Eli Manning NYG - QB

95 - Tyrell Williams LAC - WR

Tier 9

96 - Andy Dalton CIN - QB

97 - Jamaal Charles DEN - RB

98 - Carson Wentz PHI - QB

99 - Carson Palmer ARI - QB

100 - Delanie Walker TEN - TE

101 - Cam Newton CAR - QB

102 - Kelvin Benjamin CAR - WR

103 - Eric Decker TEN - WR

104 - DeMarco Murray TEN - RB

105 - Devante Parker MIA - WR

106 - Larry Fitzgerald ARI - WR

107 - Josh Doctson WAS - WR

108 - Kenneth Dixon BAL - RB

109 - Doug Baldwin SEA - WR

110 - Jimmy Graham SEA - TE

Tier 10

111 - A.J. Green CIN - WR

112 - C.J. Anderson DEN - RB

113 - Philip Rivers LAC - QB

114 - Jordan Howard CHI - RB

115 - Brandon Marshall NYG - WR

116 - Russell Wilson SEA - QB

117 - Terrance West BAL - RB

118 - Jamaal Williams GB - RB

119 - Antonio Brown PIT - WR

120 - Corey Davis TEN - WR

121 - Derrick Henry TEN - RB

122 - Jordan Matthews PHI - WR

Tier 11

123 - Adrian Peterson NO - RB

124 - Matthew Stafford DET - QB

125 - Jonathan Stewart CAR - RB

126 - Doug Martin TB - RB

127 - Marvin Jones DET - WR

128 - Jeremy Hill CIN - RB

129 - Aaron Rodgers GB - QB

130 - James White NE - RB

131 - Mike Wallace BAL - WR

132 - Greg Olsen CAR - TE

133 - Matt Ryan ATL - QB

134 - Tom Brady NE - QB

135 - Lamar Miller HOU - RB

136 - Allen Robinson JAC - WR

137 - David Johnson ARI - RB

138 - Mike Evans TB - WR

139 - Michael Thomas NO - WR

140 - John Brown ARI - WR

HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYBODY!!!!!


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