DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2018 #6!!!!!!
What’s up, Special Ed?
But for real tho, what the fuck is up? Like, what is really going on out here these days?? This is the absolute weirdest time to be alive. The news is getting more and more surreal every day.
Sure, the absurdity of our times has been building for a little while now, and we’ve had our share of fun with it: Reality TV, “Nazis”, internet trolling, and the awkwardly tone-deaf coexistence of politics and sports have always been the hallmarks of DYM, long before all of those things somehow coalesced into a giant moist gummy bear with a hairpiece and got elected President. But these days, it’s getting a little too real for some of us here at the DYM Home Office. It’s a little disturbing that all our favorite things to make fun of are actually serious issues now. And what’s worse is, with the exploding popularity of DYM, we feel partially responsible. What if we spoke these things into existence like the fucking Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man???
Yea I know what you guys are thinking. Sounds crazy right? And maybe it is. But crazy is the new sane these days. Follow me, folks. Pretty often we come up with a funny fake-hot-take for DYM then we read the same joke on barstool or some such before we get a chance to write it down. And that’s fine, we get it. PFT Commenter has pretty much the same schtick we do, so there’s bound to be some coincidental happenstances. But what’s really troubling is when we come up with the dumbest joke we can think of and somebody says that shit with a straight face.
THIS MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! THAT WAS A JOKE! AND WE DIDNT EVEN WRITE IT YET! Swear to god we had that exact shit in the chamber, locked and loaded for DYM off-season VI. John Elway was gonna be there. It was gonna be sooo funny. But we were in the Catskills this weekend on vacation, and we thought we could wait til Monday to write this bad boy, but life moves pretty fast sometimes. Anyways, that was weird, but it was actually the third time this month that one of our facetious witticisms got brought to life by Zuul the fucking Gatekeeper. In our last DYM, we imagined a confused President Trump misreading the new helmet contact rule as a national anthem rule which he found obtuse and too lenient. The NEXT DAY leaks emerged from the NFL owners meeting that the group was considering an actual anthem rule that most commentators found obtuse and confusing but hard-liners, like trump, found too lenient. What the actual fuck, you guys.
Some have pointed to this new anthem rule as another example of the NFL’s reactionary and out-of-touch culture. Although the rule itself is just a toothless headline grab, the timing of its announcement is more brilliant than most people realize.
That DYM post was supposed to be about the helmet contact rule, which has the potential to fundamentally alter the way football is played. It could be the beginning of the end of lineman play as we know it (another WhosHotstradamus prediction). The fact that we didn’t actually talk about it WAS the joke, but now it is the abject reality. No one is talking about the actually most important rule change of the last decade because of the asinine, ineffectual, backward anthem rule. Fucking shit. Fortunately we’re adhering to a pretty strict drug regimen to keep our mind, ya know, limber, otherwise this kinda shit would really bother us.
But there is good news too, you guys. The preternatural influence of DYM Scholarship is not only being used for evil. Our Star Wars predictions are looking prescient too! Last month we took some time out of our NBA playoffs preview to discuss Ahsoka Tano and the Clone Wars cartoon show. Therein we posited that there was a good shot of an Ahsoka spin off film since some content and characters from the animated series had already begun to make their way into feature films like Rougue One. Now, true Star Wars Scholars knew this wasn’t entirely true; and true DYM Scholars know that saying things we wish were true as if they are true is one of our most well worn tropes. But our best DYM segments, like “Weekly Will Fuller Update” or “How Bad is Chris’ Team” are predictive because they are works of pure intuition. The Ahsoka piece was another one of those.
***SOLO SPOILER ALERT*** The last scene of SOLO had an enormous “reveal” that may have surprised and confused some more casual Star Wars fans. Folks who had only seen the feature films would have no idea that Darth Maul had survived his duel with Qui Gonn and Obi Wan. But the more astute Clone Wars watchers would not only have known he was alive but also that Darth Sidious put him in charge of one of the galaxy’s most powerful criminal organizations. That last scene was very satisfying for us Clone Wars fans, and doubly so for DYM fans. Now the precedent has actually been set, the events of Clone Wars and Rebels are indispensable pieces of Star Wars cannon.
But who knows? Maybe there’s not any mystical forces guiding our hand to write the world’s fate. Maybe we’re just not as creative as we think and these things are more obvious than they seem. Maybe. But we’re gonna be a lot more careful what we put in this space from here on out. BE SAFE OUT THERE, EVERYBODY!!!!!!