DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2020 #4!!!!
Updated: Apr 28
What's up, Special Ed? Are we drinkin tongiht or what?!
Mario Kart Tour is FREE on the iphone app store. We fuck with this game heavily and have now convened The Madison Mario Kart Klub for this off-season. Right now it's just us, the commish, jeff ertz, and food beef judge dave maulbeck. A few times a week we link up on a facetime call then fire up the Kart app so we can talk that shit while we race. It's definitely the best shit ever right now.
Our Friend ID is 9259 6293 4938. Hit Us Up!!!
Big Shout Out to all the essential worker heroes going out on the front lines of the pandemic. And an especially BIG shout out to all the brave folks at the Taiwanese national baseball league for bravely starting their 2020 season this past weekend.
thank you for your service
That's right, you guys! SPORTS IS BACK! We made it. We beat the fuckin coronavirus you guys. Beat that shit like a drum. Fuck coronavirus. We're back!!!
We're coming back cautiously of course. So far just a few of the bravest, most intrepid athletes of the world are venturing back to the field this month. According to FanDuelSportsBook we got Taiwanese Baseball, Taiwanese Basketball, Belarusian Soccer and, of course, Nicaraguan Soccer. Nicaragua doesn't give a FUCK. You think they're scared or air-borne respiratory viruses? Fuuuck no. They get epidemics like every other week that yall never even heard of. Yea, the President of Nicaragua's been missing for a month but that's probably unrelated, the point is: fuck coronavirus. We want sports.
Anyway, we ran today's lines past our resident Nicaraguan Expert. She says Juventus Managua is a lock, but we don't love the -320 line. Probably gonna put a few shekels on this -1 goal for +105 too.
We don't mean to make light of the situation tho. In fact the crisis has hit home for DYM as well. The world has changed now in ways that none of us could have predicted. Even the prophecies of The Great WhoHotStradamus have now been proven wrong. We always knew sports would get canceled some day. We always knew robots would one day take our place. But these Taiwanese fellas are takin it to the whole nother level.
Now, you might notice that in the picture at the top, and in all the videos here, there's actually no robots in the stands. That's because the opening day game was supposed to be on Saturday but got rained out, so that team with the robot fans will try again later in the week. For now we get another brief reprieve, but still, goddamn, It's literally the ONE THING we never thought was gonna happen.
For a long time now, we've been predicting the demise of human professional sports. Although this pandemic has entirely disrupted human-sports worldwide it has not been as easy a jumping off point as we had hoped it would be for post-human-sports. The greatest tragedy, in our opinion, is that SARS-COV-2 can be spread to non-human-mammals. We were heartbroken to learn that Nadia, a Malayan tiger at the Bronx Zoo, recently tested positive for coronavirus.
We always knew it was possible that some sort of paradigm-shifting catastrophe would push us toward canceling human sports; and we knew it was possible that that catastrophe could come before technology would allow for fully automated robot sports leagues. In that case we had hoped that intelligent animals and/or aliens could compete in the NFL and NBA in the interim. When we read the news about Nadia, for a moment, we thought all hope was lost for sports this year.
Surely the shock from that news set us back several weeks. Recently, there's been some cockamamie attempts at simulated sports, fanduel tried pushing fantasy e-sports, and ESPN even got NBA players to play video games on TV, but that shit never had a chance. None of that e-shit can ever replace REAL LIFE SPORTS. That's why we're coming BACK! Because, like the great Dr. Ian Malcolm once said about times of chaos: "Life ... uh ... finds a way".
There's no way American sports leagues are gonna let these shit-holes hog the spotlight for too long so we're definitely getting all our shit back in action very soon. Obviously, we don't want to do anything to compromise the health of our professional football or basketball players so baseball will most likely be the first pro sport to come back in this country. For the last week the MLB has been discussing plans to sequester the entire league and a couple thousand support personnel in the greater-Phoenix area and playing all the games in spring training stadiums. They say the season could start within the next six weeks, which honestly feels like fucking forever from now so who the fuck knows? Also no word yet on whether MLB is gonna use the Taiwanese terminator-chucky-cheese-robot-bands. All options are still reportedly on the table.
We'll be back in a week or two after the NFL Draft, when we'll dive into mock-draft season and bring you our exclusive coverage of the funniest names and coolest jersey numbers of the 2020 (21?) season.
HAVE A GREAT SOCIAL DISTANCING EVERYBODY!!!!