DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2020 #6!!!!!!
What's up Special Ed?!
There's so much going on in the world right now.
Football is not likely to be one of those things, so most of us on the DYM Editorial staff are feeling pretty listless. Fortunately, our guy Kyrie stopped by today and he's got a couple of very interesting off-the-court projects in the works this summer.
This is a very exciting time for everybody here at the Irving household.
I love playing basketball, but a lot of people don’t know that one of my true passions in life is NOT playing basketball. Now, after years of organizing behind the scenes I’m finally ready to go public and take my not-basketball game to the NEXT level.
Every summer I like to go down to LBI and just kick it. There’s nothin better than that salty air, the sunshine, little BBQ, few drinks, and all my cares seem a thousand miles away. Seems like every summer I just ride around on my beach cruiser thinking “Damn. There’s gotta be a super-virus or a fuckin revolution or SOMETHIN this year, cause I am NOT tryina go back to work.” Then I usually call up KD and we talk about what kind of surgeries we can get before training camp starts.
See, there’s actually a lot of us professional athletes that don’t really like sports that much. Some of us are the children of athletes who had no choice but to play sports as a kid. Then there’s other folks, like KD, who’re incredibly tall and have perfect hand-eye coordination but are just really unmotivated. They know that playing sports is a lot less work than getting a “real job”, so they sign up, but most of these guys really can’t be bothered with the day-to-day.
THE TIME IS NOW
This is our moment!!! Now that we got this pandemic, and these riots, it seems like everybody’s talking about not playing sports! So, whether you’re a lazy athlete or just an athlete that doesn’t really like sports, this is a GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY that we cannot let slip through our fingers. That’s why we set up this program to help voluntarily unemployed athletes maintain their lifestyles.
The next step is NFL football, which will be a lot tougher to stop than baseball or hoops. We’ve been working with the NFLPA on an innovative solution – we call it a “PSL” or Player Salary License:
We offer NFL Owners an opportunity to buy these “licenses” which entitle them to pay the full salary of any player who opts out of the 2020 season in exchange for the right to pay that player his full salary in 2021 as well. Might be a tough sell but we’re pretty confident. We did a lot of market research amongst inbred oil money inheritors, 90’s tech industry tycoons, and Princeton alumni. This plan tested very highly.
CUM JESUS: A PARABLE
Hopefully by Labor Day we’ll have all these sports cancelled and I can just move down the shore full time and work on my novel.
You guys wanna hear what I got so far? It’s the shit! I’m tellin you.
It’s a timeless story about the moral and intellectual imperfections that are necessary to the human condition. We initially got the idea from this line from the book of Job (14:1)
“Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble.”
Now, obviously Jesus was "born of a woman" just like all of us, which is why he had so much troubles in life and had to eventually die. Our story posits – “What if the immaculate conception had happened to Joseph instead?”
It goes like this: Joseph - single guy in the year 0 - jerks himself off one night, busts in his belly button and falls asleep. The next morning Joseph wakes up to find the little baby Jesus curled up there on his stomach. Sure, being a single dad is tough, but the good news is that since Cum Jesus wasn’t born of a woman, so he can live forever and have no troubles.
That’s good news for everybody, really.
See one thing that happens over and over in the Bible is God (and later Jesus) have an OK time gathering prophets and convincing them of the Truth, but people who only hear God’s word from a human prophet are much more dubious. It happens in every book, from Genesis all the way to Revelations. In fact, in Genesis 2, if Adam had been a more convincing prophet, Eve would never have been cursed in the first place. Adam was commanded not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge before Eve was created. We never even see Adam convey the commandment to Eve explicitly. So when this snake comes along that can quote God just as well as Adam and kinda seems smarter than him, Eve was understandably confused.
The point is that when God speaks to people they tend to believe, but a person telling you what God told them is, at the end of the day, just somebody telling you some shit they don’t really know anything about.
That’s the funny thing about Christian conservatives - to this day a lot of people still try to use Bible quotes as a persuasive argument. Even though biblical interpretation is essentially the ONLY thing God told the first man not to do. I mean, on the one hand, I get it. If you believe the Bible is the only existing artifact of God’s word then that’s all you got. One would be inclined to become invested in that book. Nevertheless, if Adam was God’s first prophet, then the snake was the first Christian Apologist.
Fast forward about two thousand years and the rest of the story takes place in a fictional version of 21st century America, except it’s like crazy futuristic, right? Everything is awesome cause Nut Jesus is still alive!! Talkin bout flying cars, everything’s on blockchain, animals can talk, all that shit. It’s your basic matriarchal, post-agrarian, communist utopia.
For the last two thousand years everybody has known for a fact that God is real. Generations of people have all heard Jizz Jesus’s Good News with their own ears.
Everything is perfect, because Load Jesus has shown us how to live in peace with the earth and with each other. No one fears death because we all know our place within the eternal life beyond this world. There’s no pollution, no cops, and no homework – just Spunk Jesus’s undying love.
But it isn’t just a story about Cummsy Jesus, it’s a story about humanity. So even though things seem perfect, some people won’t accept it and there’d still be this anti-establishment counter-culture. This would be the year 2020 so there’d be a few billion people in the world, most of whom would have only ever see Skeet Jesus on YouTube or whatever, so some of them are naturally gonna be like “How do you KNOW he’s real?”
There wouldn’t be any organized religion in this world, cause why would they need it?
But then we could have “churches” but they’d be underground, like cults or militias. There’d be these fringe religious conservatives who are like “I aint listenin’ to no YouTube Splooge Jesus. The BIBLE says blah blah blah.” But really nobody reads the Bible anymore. It's pretty much out of circulation. Could even be illegal(?) The utopia’s only banned book(?)
Maybe I’ll just say nothing’s really “illegal” in the utopia but religion is widely frowned upon.
I don’t know. We’re still figuring some of this out. Here’s a few other items from the Official Cum Jesus (CJ) FAQ:
Q: If CJ is omnipotent, and immortal, and completely untroubled, isn’t he just Dr. Manhattan?
A: The whole problem with Dr. Manhattan is he’s still a dude. He’s omnipotent and immortal and he seemed untroubled by most humans’ trivial concerns, but he was constantly entangled with mortal women. To keep CJ completely above the fray of this mortal coil, we’ll have to remove his desire for traditional sexual relationships.
So he definitely couldn’t be a “he,” in the way Dr. Manhattan is. CJ’d have to have been born intersex - ie born with two sets of fully functioning genitalia. As an adult he’d likely live as a “he/him lesbian” or, perhaps alternately, as a cogendered asexual. Either way we feel like labels and pronouns won’t be that big a deal in the utopia. People are people and everybody fucks whoever they want, ya know? Except CJ, of course, but it would be funny to have him be naked all the time.
Q: Why wasn’t Joseph pregnant like Schwarzenegger in Junior?
A: Since there’s no c-sections in the year 0, a traditional (internal) pregnancy might end up being even messier than having to carry around a sack of amniotic fluid for 9 months. Honestly, Jospeh’s pregnancy isn’t gonna be all that important to the rest of the story, so I don’t think I’ll dwell on it too long. Probably just kinda glaze over that part.
Q: Is CJ a dictator?
A: No, but he would certainly be accused of being one. There won’t be any “leaders” as we have them today. Moreover there wouldn’t be very many enforceable laws and very few conflicts that require third party intervention. People are only able to live this way by virtue of CJ’s teachings, and people would worship him. People would pray to CJ (and their prayers would be answered in 30 minutes of less, guaranteed) and they would seek out his guidance, but CJ would not enact or enforce any laws.
Q: How do we get to a high-tech society with no pollution?
A: The real key here is that the ancient kingdoms of world (especially in Africa and the Americas) would not have been overthrown or colonized. There would have been no Caesar Augustus, no Alexander the Great, no Conquistadors and no London Museum.
So all that shit that alien visitors taught the Mayans and the Egyptians, all those “secrets of the pyramids”, would never have been lost to history. They would have been built upon and advanced. Generations of people would live and die without fear, thereby allowing their progeny to know with absolute certainty that what they leave behind on this planet is far more valuable than the pursuit of their own happiness.
That and hemp, almost everything would be made of hemp.
Q: Where do people live tho? I don't think you can make a whole house out of hemp.
A: OK, that's fair. But there could be any number of different architectural techniques in the utopia, it really would depend on where you live and what’s available. Like, you could live in an underground burrow or in a hollow tree like Winnie the Pooh. Or if you’re real patient you could plant a bunch of trees in the shape of a house and just let them grow around you and your loved ones for generations to come. Lots of options.
Q: Was CJ there when the Bible was written? Is the story of the Bible very different in this world?
A: The OT would have already been written, which is why there’d be such a thing as “religious conservatives.” For the New Testament, he would have been there, but he wouldn’t write it himself. He would have had a diverse story group recruited from all over the world. They would write the story of CJ as a group and CJ himself would have final cut privileges like JJ Abrams.
The CJ Story Group would also want to take a stab at re-writing a lot of the OT, especially the overtly sexist parts. This would be fun cause flipping the messages of the Bible would have a butterfly-effect on the whole history of western literature. We could rewrite all sorts of myths and fairy tales. Just imagine: Like if God weren’t a mystery in the Bible, then The Wizard of Oz would just call Dorothy’s house and ask her to come help the lion, the scarecrow, and the tin-man get their shit together. Or if Adam and Eve weren’t shamed for their nakedness then the Emperor’s New Clothes could actually just be about a guy who likes rocking Polo rugbies and Air Maxes.
Q: What else would be different about the Matriarchy?
A: A lot of things would be different! In fact, "matriarchy" isn’t really the right word for this place, at least not in the political sense. It would be egalitarian in most every way, so we’re not saying women would be “in-charge” (as opposed to men being in charge), but the culture would be decidedly “feminine” by our standards.
For instance, there would not be a “justice system.” Because the idea that there is some equity for victims to reclaim through the suffering of their attackers is conceived entirely out of people's own sense of insecurity. Our purportedly natural desire to exact “justice” on others is truly only a desire to satiate our own fear and self-doubt, and moreover, satiate our most aggressive (masculine) impulses. These deep-seated fears and anxieties that dictate the better part of our culture today simply would not exist in CJ's world.
At the same time, we can’t deny that emotions and impulses are human and natural, whether we coin them as masculine, feminine, or anything else. This is still a story about the human condition, so aggression, competitiveness, and even violence have to have a place in this world. So while there would be no armies and no wars, there could still be NFL football.
Q: Would there be “toxic femininity”?
A: No. But that’s definitely another thing the Old Testament cultist would talk about a lot. Since the cultists would be Old Testament literalists, they could just have pretty much the same ideology as today’s real-life MAGA bible-thumpers. But it’ll be funny cause they’re just discovering these concepts in the Bible that nobody else even acknowledges anymore. They could be the only people who eat meat, for example, while everyone else is literally friends with animals. They’ll hate "immigrants" and “foreigners” even though there aren’t any nations or borders. Most of all, they’ll be proudly misogynistic, even though nobody else even uses the words “male” or “female” anymore. They’ll be offended by almost everything about this world, but the things they really hate most of all are CJ’s swaying flaccid hog and his big ole d-cup titties.
HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYBODY!!!!!!