Listen folks.
Last week we had a very big week here. Huge week for America. We are winning again folks. We did more things last week than any president ever did ever. Media doesn't care. All they do is lie. So I'm here to tell you folks what’s REALLY going on.
We opened a new embassy in Israel. The greatest embassy ever built. I sent Ivanka and her Jew friends to the ceremony. I wouldn’t go to Israel. Very dangerous place, and I’m the president! But we had a lot going on here too. The great state of New Jersey, the least corrupt state in the history of America, defeated Obama’s “Supreme” Court. Finally our country’s most unjust law has been overturned. Last Monday was a historic day. It was a great day, not just for Jews, but for all nerds who have always been afraid to gamble illegally even tho they’d probably be good at it because they know a lotta math.
Las Vegas sports books had an unfair and possibly illegal monopoly on sports betting in this country. People always “say what’s the Vegas Odds” “what’s the lines in Vegas?” What about New Jersey odds? We've gotten a bad deal from Vegas for a long long time. Very bad deal. We’re setting our own lines now. I know lots of guys that set point spreads every Sunday and they handicap every race at Monmouth Park AND The Meadowlands.
That’s why I’m creating a new cabinet position, Secretary of Bookies and Numbers Rackets, and naming my old friend Joey “knuckles” Lucchese. Joey is a fine fine man. Knows how to keep his mouth shut.
Won't be any LEAKY LEAKING LEAKERS in that office. None. The leakers will be the guys in the unemployment line with broken kneecaps. Get me?
Anyway. It looks like the failing NFL made some new rules to try to clean up that piece of trash they call a sport. Says here it will now be illegal for players to lower their heads. That’s good!
But a lot of people are saying this rule is too vague and will be very hard to enforce. It’s true! It doesn’t even say they can’t kneel! That was the whole thing! See folks, that's the problem with all these laws now a days. They’re so complicated. So many loop holes. Nobody even knows what’s legal anymore. I don’t! This rule should just say “RESPECT THE FLAG, JACKASS.” That’s it. They need to be very clear with this rule and use small words because football players are mental midgets. They’re not even really people if you think about it. Just drugged-up circus freaks. Sad.
But not all football players hate America. And they’re fighting back. My good friend Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel had enough of these wife-beating man-children and so he REFUSED to play in the NFL this year. Johnny Football is joining the Canadian Football League because he loves The United States of America!
People tell me that Johnny had offers from pretty much every team in the league. Huge offers. Biggest offers you’ve ever seen. Ya know what he said to em? Do ya know? He said “Ya know what? I don’t need your money. They call me Johnny Football not Johnny Dance-around-in-the-end-zone-like-a-sissy-and-shit-on-America’s-heroes! You’re Fired!!” That’s right! He fired Pete Carroll right there in his own office! You shoulda seen it, so funny!! Fuckin' Johnny. What a guy.
Can’t wait for CFL opening day in a couple weeks! We’ll be betting all our Trump Coins on Hamilton to cover at Montreal AND we got the over! LETS GO TIGER-CATS!!!!!
LONG WEEKEND COMIN' UP!!!!! HAVE A GREAT MEMORIAL DAY EVERYBODY!!!!!
