September 8, 2019 - Cleveland, OH – Browns Week 1 Post-Game Press Conference:
FREDDIE KITCHENS: Arraht yall. Listen ‘ere.
We done got are asses whooped out thur today. Now, that’s just as much the coaches’ fault, my fault, players’ faults. Everybody takes some blame for that.
Ah mean, it is mostly the players faults tho. Ah cain’t play the dang game for 'em, yall.
Ah ain’t the one out thur throwin’ all them dang picks. Ah ain’t the one missed all them dang tackles.
AH CAN TACKLE, ARRAHT! Ah ain't been a head ball coach for too long nah, so I still ain't too familiar with these ‘ere “pray-yes con-fa-rances”. But yall can bet yall sweet ass that ol’ Freddie could still put a whoopin' on all'a them dang rookie Tennessee wahd racaivers. C’mon yall, we talkin’ baht Ay-Jay Bran ‘ere not An-tonyo Bran arraht? Gimme a dang break ‘ere.
Nex' ques'chin --
REPORTER: Baker was uncharacteristically inaccurate – 65% completions and 3 interceptions. What happened to him out there today?
FREDDIE KITCHENS: Ey, man.
That’s on him arraht. Yall gon’ have to talk to Baker ‘bout that, 'cause he STANKED out there today. He stanked worse than the dumpster behind Golden Corral. I mean, yall ever smelled a septic tank leak in mid Ju-ly? The tank at my Grandmama house in Mobile done E-RRUPTED a few years back. Must'a been a hunned-an-five er’ry day that week. And, BOY-HOWDY did it STANK! Hooooo-wee!! Ah swear you could smell it all the way ta Monroe County!
Well, that’s what watchin' Baker done brought to my mind today.
And yall know who else stanked today? OH-DAY'LL! Matter-fact both Oh-day’ll and Jarvis. Whut’re we payin these dang wahd racaivers all this dang money for?? Baker done threw ‘em two the ball 18 dang tahms. And they ain't give me one goll-dang touchdahn.
Nex' ques'chin --
REPORTER: The team had 182 penalty yards today. How do you account for that? And how do you address that with the team?
FREDDIE KITCHENS: Well that’s a goll-dang shame raht thur.
‘Cause yall know that’s not how we practiced. We don' be runnin' no “Pass Inner-fearin” plays in camp. We ain't practice HOLDIN!
This ain’t mah fault, arraht. There ain’t no play in mah playbook called “GIVE UP A DANG SAFETY”!! Maybe in Marvin Lewis playbook, but that ain’t no Freddie Kitchens football play!!!
Look, us coaches ain't got called for one dang penalty today. NUN, arraht!!! This ain't mah fault.
Nex' ques'chin.
DUMPSTER DIVER OF THE WEEK: DefendYourMoves.com
6 moves. Best Pickup – John Brown
Normally we don’t like to feature our own squad here. Especially not two weeks in a row. The long-time readers know DYM isn’t supposed to be about us. Like we always say: “This is Defend YOUR Moves, not Defend MY Moves.” But we have to put this dictum aside for the moment since there is no bigger story in the Special Ed League today that the absolute beat-down the Champ is handing to his bitter rival, New Guy Andy.
As of Monday afternoon, we’re on pace for 188 points this week. A big game from Duke could realistically put us over 200. We think we remember somebody scoring 200 once before, but we’re not sure. Yahoo! won’t give us access to the record books until week 1 closes so we’ll have more on that in the Week 2 Preview later this week.
Our key pick-up this week was Buffalo’s own Smokey Brown. Smoke-dogg is a long-time DYM favorite, we’ve made the Superbowl three times and two of those teams featured Smokey (the other was his rookie year).
Given our familiarity, we were well aware that Smoke is a matchup NIGHTMARE for the Jets. Generally speaking, the secondary is the weakest position group for the Jets; and the CB’s specific weakness is that they are slow. It was hard to resist putting him in the starting lineup, but we’re ultimately glad we didn’t. Most people will say you shouldn’t really start “playing match-ups” in fantasy this early. Week 1 is very unpredictable, and you ought to be able to start the guys you drafted with confidence (or else why did you draft them?). So, we never really considered benching our starting WRs (Odell and Josh Gordon), but we were really close to putting The Smoke-Dogg in a flex over Ekeler or Mack. As it turned out JB was actually our best WR this week but were not too upset about missing out on him since Lamar and our RBs all crushed ass yesterday.
Good Times.
POWER POWER RANKINGS:
This fall one of television’s most epic dramas comes to a close.
The final season of POWER started during the pre-season and runs until Week 8. So every week until then we’re going to breakdown who’s got the Power on POWER.
For those that don’t know, POWER was co-created in 2014 by Curtis “50-cent” Jackson for the Starz Network. The main character is a “former” drug dealer named Ghost who is a total piece of shit and makes terrible decisions every chance he gets. His increasingly estranged wife Tasha is a down-ass chick who deserves much better. Ghost’s best friend Tommy is a pot-head and a very cool guy despite his tragic Oedipal complex. 50 Cent was Ghost’s mentor who later betrayed everyone (but we didn’t blame him). He’s dead now, but before he died he took Ghost’s son Tariq under his wing.
(Rankings through Episode 2)
1: Tariq
2: Tommy
3: Cristobal
4: Jason the Serbian
5: Councilman Tate
6: 2-bit
7: Turtle’s Ex-wife
8: Tasha
9: Turtle (from Entourage)
10: Ghost
NOT RANKED: Blanca, Tariq’s roommate, Lala Anthony, Lala’s son, Andre, Cooper Saxe, Tommy’s mom, Tariq’s girl, Simon Stern
Probably our most controversial rankings this week are Tariq at 1 and Jason at 4.
We imagine most folks’ll have those two swapped as The Serbian is ostensibly the richest and most “powerful” person in the show right now. But ultimately we can’t see him ever taking out Tommy. One way or another Tommy is going to survive this relationship, plus Ghost is obviously gonna try to kill Jason (again) the next chance he gets, so we’ve got Tommy over Jason there.
That being said, Tariq is currently the only character (other than Jason) who has sole control of his own business. Plus, it now seems that Tommy is going to be reporting to Tariq at least regarding their "business" with Ghost. So, Tariq may not seem to be in a powerful position (slinging pills at a high school), but if we had to pick one “winner” for the end of this thing it’s definitely Tariq, and nobody else is close.
We’ve been Team Tasha and Team Tommy since day one. But they’re both into some seriously dark shit right now. So, after Tariq, the other most-likely-to-survive for us right now are Cristobal, 2-bit and Turtle’s ex:
Andre is as good as dead already and Cristobal can easily take over Dre’s role without making everyone hate him.
Same deal with 2-bit, he’s just too likable to get a target on his back in the next 7 episodes.
Turtle’s ex is an out-of-nowhere long-shot underdog. We, the audience, clearly weren’t supposed to be rooting for her for the last 5 years, but she could have the last laugh after airing out Turtle in court. Turtle seems like a good dad, but he's got way more skeletons in his closet than we've been privy to thus far.
HAVE A GREAT MONDAY NIGHT EVERYBODY!
