DEFEND YOU MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #16 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part VI


MISS CLEO's AFC SOUTH PREVIEW!!!!!

What's up, Special Ed?!?!


It's only three weeks 'til football and DYM is gettin' HYPED!!! They got a couple more division previews too, but before week one kicks off, I got at least one more heater for the Cum Jesus Notebook:



So last week I was talkin' to Blake and DJ about the Cum Jesus story, and I read 'em the dream journal part with the Seahorse -- they fuckin loved it!


But then Blake dropped some real knowledge on us - He said there's a giant snake in Norse mythology that sleeps under the ocean and has its body wrapped around the whole world, and it's got somethin' to do with the Ragnarok.


Blake said he read about it in his kid's bedtime story book, so he didn't have a lotta details. I was like, "That's a weird ass bedtime story but you do you, dog."


But that Norse shit sounded cool to me cause I was already thinkin' of Seahorse as a trickster god like Loki.


When I got home I started googlin' that shit - and he was right. The snake is called Jörmungandr, and he's a fuckin badass. He does live under the ocean, and his coils are the core of the Earth, just like I fuckin' wrote it!!!

Thor went fishing for Jörmungandr a few times, and he's gonna have to take him down when/if the world ends. That's cool 'cause right away I was thinkin' about how I could rewrite that fishing story for CJ.


Now - I don't know if you guys caught this the first time around, but the reason the Seahorse is a seahorse is 'cause seahorses are hermaphroditic, just like CJ.

That's important now, 'cause according to wikipedia the snake is Loki’s son 😮, AND Loki once became a woman (actually a mare - a female HORSE 😮) and he’s also a mom. AND Loki often turns himself into water and fishes😮. In Denmark, they say Loki brings rain to the lakes and fog to the fields in the spring 😮 - Just like my fuckin' Seahorse!!


So, fuck it, right?

Gotta just lean into this shit now. Seahorse IS Loki, and he needs CJ's help to stop Thor from fuckin' with his son, the giant snake, and causing the apocalypse.


I really might be on to somethin' here -



CJ's DREAM JOURNAL PART 2!!!!!


DREAM #4:

CJ has a dream where he's walking down the street and comes upon this huge old house. Outside the front door of the house is a 3-foot-tall metal statue of the Buddha. The statue looks very old, maybe older than the house, but it's golden head still shines brightly in the daylight.

When CJ stops to look at the statue it looks up at him and waves it's hand toward the door, silently asking CJ to enter to house.

CJ follows Lil' Buddha into the house and they walk up the stairs.

At the top of the stairs is a long hallway with several evenly spaced doors on each side. Lil' Buddha steps to the right of the first door and motions toward it with his glimmering hand.

CJ opens the door and finds, somehow, that there are hundreds of people inside the room.

CJ stands on his tip toes to peer over the crowd and he can see a body wrapped in a sheet on a table in the middle of the room.

CJ looks down at Lil' Buddha and asks -


"Is this a funeral? What is this place?"


Lil' Buddha is silent, he stares back at CJ emotionlessly and gently closes the door.

Lil' Buddha proceeds down the hall to the next door and waves for CJ to follow.

He opens the second door and finds pallbearers lifting a casket. The third door has another entirely different, yet unmistakable, funeral procession.

They go door after door, watching death after death from around the world, until they are back again at the top of the stairs.


The sounds of wailing tears and slow mournful songs now fill the house. Thousands of feet stomp the wood floors and thousands of fists pound the drywall. The crescendoing, cathartic chorus only lasts a moment until Lil' Buddha closes the final doors; then the house falls silent again.


CJ has seen enough.

His heart aches for these people, but he knows he can't help them. He wonders if any of them even knew he was there.

CJ looks down at Lil' Buddha and asks -


"Please, may I go home now?"


Lil' Buddha once again silently waives his hand toward the door, allowing CJ to take his leave.

CJ walks down the stairs and toward the front door.

He opens the door, and only then realizes that Lil' Buddha is still standing at the top of the stairs. CJ looks up at Lil' Buddha and asks the statue to join him outside. Lil' Buddha says -


"No. But I'll see you again soon."


Then CJ wakes up.



DREAM #5:

CJ has another dream where he's back in the middle of the ocean with the giant seahorse.

Now he's underwater, nestled inside a giant conch shell which is gently descending toward the ocean floor.

By the time CJ realizes where he is, Seahorse is already midway through a lengthy anecdote that involves several people with 4+ syllable names. CJ tries to follow the story, but he couldn't have repeated the names if he tried as they evaporate from his memory.


"... so obviously Útgarðaloki kicked our asses outta Jötunheimr. Me, Þjálfi, and Rösekva haven't been back since. And to this day I still can't figure out how he got Jörmungandr into the castle in the first place. But, shit. Fuck it, right? We're still here aint we?"


Seahorse curls the end of his fin into a fist and extends it toward CJ.

CJ hesitantly gives Seahorse a pound.

Seahorse punches CJ's fist then whistles loudly as he 'explodes' the fist and flutters his fin down toward CJ's face.


"Gotta blow it up, bro."


CJ laughs, "Yea, arright", he says.


"Ya know what we need, kid?"


"What?"

"A HANDSHAKE!! Ya know? We gotta be like pow-pow-pow-pow just like Jose Reyes used to do! It'll be SO COOL!!

Then we'll be Dogs. For. Life. ROOFF ROOFF ROOFF!!!!"


CJ notices the empty bottle in Seahorse's other fin and he's pretty sure Seahorse drank the whole thing while he was asleep in the conch shell.


"Yea, dog, no doubt", CJ says, "But I think I fell asleep. Where are we? What happened to my boat?"


"Forget the boat! You're travellin' in STYLE now, kid."


"In a shell?"


"FUCK YEA, IN A SHELL!!

How have you never ridden in a shell before? Kids these days. Sheesh.

If you want a boat so bad just ask the box. You can get a way better one outta there anyway."


"No, no, no! It's great!" CJ instists, "It's actually really comfortable, I mean, I fell right asleep in here."


Seahorse interjects sternly - "Of course these shells are comfortable that's why we made 'em look like VAGINAS!!! But don't get too comfy now, we're almost there. You can take it for a spin later if ya want."


CJ peers over the edge of his shell and he still can't see the seafloor. It looks like there's still a long way to go, but Seahorse seems to be getting increasingly anxious. CJ tries to make conversation to keep them occupied -


"So, how far away you think the island is anyway. Looked far."


"What island?"


"The island. You know. There was only one island in this sea. You said you could get me there remember?"

Seahorse spits out a laugh -

"OH!!! Hohohohohoooo, buddy!! Ah, man. Sorry, kid, guess you were really conked out there. You didn't hear any of those fuckin' stories I just told you?"


CJ shakes his head, "No."


"Arright, kid. Hehe." Seahorse pulls the cigarette box from under his fin, "Gimme that lighter again."


CJ reaches down past his feet, into the coils of the conch shell and finds the magic emergency kit from the boat. He opens it up and beams of light erupt from inside. The ocean water refracts the light which turns everything around them into a kaleidoscopic spectrum of color. CJ takes a moment to glance around at the spectacle. Bioluminescent creatures approach from the shadows.


"Heh. Yea, it is cool isn't it?" Seahorse remarks, as even he was momentarily taken aback.


After a while CJ catches himself nearly slipping out of his shell. He comes to his senses and looks down at the kit. There, the silhouette of the flare gun immediately appears. CJ grabs the gun, closes the case, and hands it over to Seahorse.


"You sure that thing's gonna work under water?", CJ asks.


"It'll work if you want it to, it's your box."


"OK, go ahead, shoot it."


Seahorse fires the gun and quickly swims out of his shell to chase the trail of sparks. He catches a burning ember out of the water, then swims back.

Seahorse sits back in his shell. His body shivers briskly as his tail curls inside the spiral shell. Then, finally, he opens his fin and shows CJ the ember - still burning.

"FUCKIN AWESOME, RIGHT?! Now we can have Hannukah down here! HA!!!"


Seahorse lights his cigarette from the flame in his palm, and smiles proudly as he pulls a drag, "fuck yea", he whispers to himself. “What were we talkin about?”


“The island.”


“What island?" Seahorse pauses - They are now on the seafloor standing before an enormous coral reef.

"Oh, right. The Island. Yea, it's pretty far. It'll take the better part of a day in the shells. So that's why we're here - this is my place. Had to grab my fishing poles before we head that way anyway, so we can just hang out here tonight. Have some drinks - nice dinner - and we can shove off in the morning.”


Seahorse welcomes CJ into his home - they swim through the crop of coral which are, in fact, the gates of Seahorse's hidden palace. Inside, the palace is luxurious and ornately decorated with gold and crystal. CJ is in awe.

Seahorse says - "I told em I wanted it to look just like Trump Tower. Not bad right?"


Seahorse's cooks prepare an incredible feast - clams, oysters, eel, snapper, octopus - full spread.

"Its like Italian Christmas everyday down here I fuckin love it!" Seahorse chuckles as he devoured the plates.


CJ and the seahorse drink and eat and laugh for hours. Seahorse regales CJ with incredible and dubious tales but CJ enjoys them all the same. They even make up a handshake for themselves.


At the end of the night Seahorse offers CJ a bed in one of the palace's many guest rooms. CJ declines.

The palace is incredible, but now that he's got a few drinks in him, CJ just can't wait to curl back up in that sexy, sexy conch shell.



HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



BEST OF DYM