DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2017: TRUMP EDITION WEEK 4!!!!
SOMETIMES DYM WRITES ITSELF Thank you, folks, it’s great to be a back here at Defend Your Moves. The Yahoo! Point Projections are failing miserably, it’s sad really. They picked almost every Special Ed game wrong this week. They predicted Bitchslapped, the worst loser in the history of the league, to beat The Champ by 22!!! They still think Dave’s team is good. They can’t figure out how Jeff Ertz is in first place. They don’t know, but we know don’t we folks? <crowd cheers> E-R-T-Z! ERTZ! ERTZ! ERTZ! WOOOOO!! Can we talk about fantasy football, folks? Look, nobody loves football more than me, but some of these thugs in the NFL today are maybe the worst people that have ever lived. NFL teams are DISRESPECTING us fine fantasy players on a weekly basis. This week four of the top five WRs were on somebody’s bench. Have you seen this, folks? It’s disrespectful. I say if you’re a WR, and you sucked last week, you should suck again this week! Is Case Keenum good or not? This Halfa-PPR is a failing system. It’s in a death spiral. America needs a better deal. We want to win again! I spoke to your commissioner, good friend of mine. He’s doing a great job. He’s doing a lotta work. We’re talking about many things. Big deals in the works. He wants to get a deal done. He’s getting a lotta things done. Folks, he’s doing great. Really Really great. Great Commish. Tough loss for The Commish this week, tho. That was bad. His team’s not very great, just one rookie, but it’s gonna get better, bigger, faster; He’ll be better than ever. It’s gonna happen, and it’s gonna happen quickly! Better! Greater! <crowd cheers wildly> Let me tell you something else, folks. Let me tell you what’s ruining this game: Running Back Committees. That’s why the ratings are down. Terrible ratings for the NFL, have you seen this? Ya know, Obama invented the RB Committee. It’s true! That’s how he inflated his jobs numbers, everybody knows it. But it’s OVER for these guys now. We’re taking America BACK! And we’re gonna win, every week, believe me. Jeremy Hill is done, folks, get him outta here. Matt Forte is washed up. I have never even heard of Jalen Richard, who is this guy? He’s fired. Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects fantasy by giving 10 carries to Jamaal Charles, say GET THAT SOME OF A BITCH OUT OF HERE!! YOU’RE FIRRRRRRED!!!!! One day, one of these GMs are gonna cut a scat-back or some TD vulturing bum and he’s gonna be the most popular man in America. He doesn’t even know it yet. But ya know what else is really ruining the game, folks? Penalties. Aaah! Killing me with all the penalties! Every other play they’re throwing that little flag around. These games are even boring to me! And I live on a GOLF COURSE!! But the worst part is these refs are disrespecting fantasy! But we’re not gonna stand for it, folks. We’re gonna make fantasy football great again! <Crowd cheers> SPE-CIAL ED! SPE-CIAL ED! SPE-CIAL ED! SPE-CIAL ED! Like if a DB gets called for pass interference, the WR should still get those fantasy points. The ref is basically saying he would have caught it, right folks? Am I right? You’re giving the offense the yards, give me the fantasy yards! It’s a bad deal for America, folks. And if your receiver returns punts, who gets points for kick return yards? The WR? The defense? What about a fake punt? Is that offense or special teams? I DON’T KNOW! NOBODY KNOWS!! The system is so corrupt, folks. Everybody’s been saying this, I’m the one who means it that’s the big difference. And don’t get me started on holding! I mean, TEN YARDS?! Who do these refs think they are? It’s a drive killer!! I watched a little bit of the game this week. There’s holding on every play. I was pointing em out to Melania all afternoon. Beautiful holding. Theresaholdtheresaholdtheresahold. All day long. SO LET EM HOLD!! That’s what they wanna do, they wanna hold eachother, let em hold, ref!! But Special Ed has some problems too folks. Have you seen some of the teams in this league? Some of these teams are still carrying two quarterbacks! <crowd boos loudly> BOOOOO!!! TRADE FOR DJ! TRADE FOR DJ! TRADE FOR DJ! I know, I know. Some of em are friends of mine. But some of these guys, they’re disrespecting our heritage. They’re disrespecting everything we believe in. And sure that’s their right, we protect all kinds of freedoms in this league, but ya know what? It’s just disrespectful. We need to do this together, all of us. We will make Special Ed great again!!!! Thank you!!!! FOOD BEEF Beef is a food. Food Beef is a segment about beef with food but not beef that’s food That’s right, Special Ed! Food Beef is back for 2017. This year we are traveling to sports bars throughout northern-central NJ in search of the area’s best BUFFALO WINGS. The tour begins with a our home away from home, O’Reilley’s of Maplewood. Back in the 90’s it took a lot more effort for bars to televise every NFL game. Back then there weren’t “cable packages” or “Sunday tickets” so there really weren’t that many places where you could go to watch every game every Sunday. But my father was a dedicated and intrepid football watcher and so he took us out to Uncle Mike’s in Summit every Sunday to watch the Bills. Some of you might remember Uncle Mike’s as the predecessor to the popular Huntly Tavern. Huntley has a bar but it’s decidedly NOT a sports bar. So when Uncle Mike sold the old place we had to hit the road and find a new spot. One of the guys we used to hang out with at Uncle Mike’s went scouting out new spots at the end of the 1998 season. He clued us in to a place in Maplewood where a small group of Bills fans had been seen the last few weeks. O’Reilley’s. This guy was a big Dolphins fan, so we should have known right then that this place was doomed. But it was just as he described. A large restaurant area with a dozen TVs showing every game, every Sunday… And the wings were not bad either... So we had found our new home. Almost 20 years later, my brother, my dad and I still hit up O’Reilleys with the same group of sick, disturbed, anti-social Bills fans. Many of the TV’s, including the one we watch most every week, were installed during the Doug Flutie era. And despite being their oldest customers, we are given no special treatment whatsoever. We have never gotten a discount or free pitcher; we have to get there early every week so they remember to turn on the right games; the service is outrageously slow, servers will disappear for up to a half hour at a time; and the cook comes out of the kitchen to openly mock us in front of the full bar when the Bills are losing. And the wings are still not bad, at best. I actually do like their sauce a lot. But this may be because I’ve eaten it so much over the years that it’s become like the default standard Buffalo sauce in my mind. It has a solid amount of flavor. It’s hot, but not so hot it makes you sweat or stops you from eating very fast. This is the ideal temp for me. The wings themselves are rarely very meaty. About 40% will be totally shriveled, 40% are reasonable, and maybe 20% will be big and juicy. Also, the Bills have never made the playoffs since we’ve been going there. Every year at some point I tell myself I’m gonna stop going to O’reilley’s. I don’t know why, I just can’t quit it. WING SCORE: 6.5 HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!