CUM JESUS:
A timeless story about the imperfections of the human condition.
TABLE of CONTENTS:
CUM JESUS:
A timeless story about the imperfections of the human condition.
INTRODUCTION:
What's up, everybody?! We're writing a NOVEL!!! It's gonna be the shit! You wanna hear about it?
We got the idea from this line from the book of Job (14:1)
“Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble.”
Now, obviously Jesus was "born of a woman" just like all of us, which is why he had so much troubles in life and had to eventually die. Our story posits – “What if the immaculate conception had happened to Joseph instead?”
It goes like this: Joseph - single guy in the year 0 - jerks himself off one night, busts in his belly button and falls asleep. The next morning Joseph wakes up to find the little baby Jesus curled up there on his stomach. Sure, being a single dad is tough, but the good news is that since Cum Jesus wasn’t born of a woman, so he can live forever and have no troubles.
That’s good news for everybody, really.
See one thing that happens over and over in the Bible is God (and later Jesus) has an OK time gathering prophets and convincing them of the Truth, but people who only hear God’s word from a human prophet are much more dubious. It happens in every book, from Genesis all the way to Revelations. In fact, in Genesis 2, if Adam had been a more convincing prophet, Eve would never have been cursed in the first place. Adam was commanded not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge before Eve was created. We never even see Adam convey the commandment to Eve explicitly. So when this snake comes along that can quote God just as well as Adam and kinda seems smarter than him, Eve was understandably confused.
The point is that when God speaks to people they tend to believe, but a person telling you what God told them is, at the end of the day, just somebody telling you some shit they don’t really know anything about.
So it's kinda funny that a lot of people still quote the Bible at all. 'Cause biblical interpretation is essentially the ONLY thing God told the first man not to do.
I mean, on the one hand, I get it. If you believe the Bible is the only existing artifact of God’s word then, one would be inclined to become invested in it.
Nevertheless, if Adam was God’s first prophet, then the snake was the first Christian Apologist.
Fast forward about two thousand years and the rest of the story takes place in a fictional version of 21st century America, except it’s like crazy futuristic, right? Everything is awesome cause Cum Jesus is still alive!! Talkin bout flying cars, everything’s on blockchain, animals can talk, all that shit. It’s your basic matriarchal, post-agrarian, communist utopia.
For the last two thousand years everybody has known for a fact that God is real. Generations of people have all heard CJ’s Good News with their own ears.
Everything is perfect, because Cum Jesus has shown us how to live in peace with the earth and with each other. No one fears death because we all know our place within the eternal life beyond this world. There’s no pollution, no cops, and no homework – just Cum Jesus’s undying love.
But it isn’t just a story about Cummsy Jesus, it’s a story about humanity. So even though things seem perfect, some people won’t accept it and there’d still be this anti-establishment counter-culture. This would be the year 2020 so there’d be a few billion people in the world, most of whom would have only ever see Cum Jesus on YouTube or whatever, so some of them are naturally gonna be like “How do you KNOW he’s real?”
There wouldn’t be any organized religion in this world, cause why would they need it?
But then we could have “churches” but they’d be underground, like cults or militias. There’d be these fringe religious conservatives who are like “I aint listenin’ to no YouTube Splooge Jesus. The BIBLE says yadda yadda.” But really nobody reads the Bible anymore. It's pretty much out of circulation. Could even be illegal(?) The utopia’s only banned book(?)
Maybe I’ll just say nothing’s really “illegal” in the utopia but religion is widely frowned upon.
I don’t know. We’re still figuring some of this out. Here’s a few other items from the Official CJ-FAQ:
Q:
If CJ is omnipotent, and immortal, and completely untroubled, isn’t he just Dr. Manhattan?
A:
The whole problem with Dr. Manhattan is he’s still a dude. He’s omnipotent and immortal and he seemed untroubled by most humans’ trivial concerns, but he was constantly entangled with mortal women.
To keep CJ completely above the fray of this mortal coil, we’ll have to remove his desire for traditional sexual relationships.
So he definitely couldn’t be a “he,” in the way Dr. Manhattan is. CJ’d have to have been born intersex - ie born with two sets of fully functioning genitalia. As an adult he’d likely live as a “he/him lesbian” or, perhaps alternately, as a cogendered asexual.
Either way we feel like labels and pronouns won’t be that big a deal in the utopia. People are people and everybody fucks whoever they want, ya know?
Except CJ, of course, but it would be funny to have him be naked all the time.
Q:
Why wasn’t Joseph pregnant like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior?
A:
Since there’s no c-sections in the year 0 the only realistic options are awfully messy. Like, there's no way a man would survive "natural" childbirth, and if the fetus somehow grew outside of Joseph's body then he'd have to carry around a sack of amniotic fluid for 9 months. We're not writing that, that's gross.
Honestly, Jospeh’s pregnancy isn’t gonna be all that important to the rest of the story, so I don’t think I’ll dwell on it too long. Probably just kinda glaze over that part.
Q:
Is CJ a dictator?
A:
No, but he would certainly be accused of being one. There won’t be any “leaders” as we have them today; certainly not any politicians. And the Utopia would definitely NOT be a democracy. Moreover there wouldn’t be very many enforceable laws and very few conflicts that require third party intervention.
People are only able to live this way by virtue of CJ’s teachings, and people would worship him. People would pray to CJ and they would seek out his guidance (and their prayers would be answered in 30 minutes or less, guaranteed), but CJ would not enact or enforce any laws.
Q:
How do we get to a high-tech society with no pollution?
A:
The real key here is that the ancient kingdoms of world (especially in Africa and the Americas) would not have been overthrown or colonized. There would have been no Caesar Augustus, no Alexander the Great, no Conquistadors, no dark ages, and no British Museum.
So all that shit that alien visitors taught the Mayans and the Egyptians, all those “secrets of the pyramids”, would never have been lost to history. They would have been built upon and advanced.
Generations of people would live and die without fear, thereby allowing their progeny to know with absolute certainty that what they leave behind on this planet is far more valuable than the pursuit of their own happiness.
That and hemp, almost everything would be made of hemp.
Q:
Where do people live tho? I don't think you can make a whole house out of hemp.
A:
OK, that's fair. But there could be any number of different architectural techniques in the utopia, it really would depend on where you live and what’s available. Like, you could live in an underground burrow or in a hollow tree like Winnie the Pooh. Or if you’re real patient you could plant a bunch of trees in the shape of a house and just let them grow around you and your loved ones for generations to come. Lots of options.
Q:
Was CJ there when the Bible was written? Is the story of the Bible very different in this world?
A:
The OT would have already been written, which is why there’d be such a thing as “religious conservatives.”
For the New Testament, he would have been there, but he wouldn’t write it himself. He would have had a diverse story group recruited from all over the world. They would write the story of CJ as a group and CJ himself would have final cut privileges.
The CJ Story Group would also want to take a stab at re-writing a lot of the OT, especially the overtly sexist parts. This would be fun cause flipping the messages of the Bible would have a butterfly-effect on the whole history of western literature. We could rewrite all sorts of myths and fairy tales. We'll probably just make 'em all Star Wars, tho.
Q:
What else would be different about the Matriarchy?
A:
A lot of things would be different!
In fact, "matriarchy" isn’t really the right word for this place, at least not in the political sense. It would be egalitarian in most every way, so we’re not saying women would be “in-charge” (as opposed to men being in charge), but the culture would be decidedly “feminine” by our standards.
For instance, there would not be a “justice system.” Because the idea that there is some equity for victims to reclaim through the suffering of their attackers is conceived entirely out of people's own sense of insecurity. Our purportedly natural desire to exact “justice” on others is truly only a desire to satiate our own fear and self-doubt, and moreover, satiate our most aggressive (masculine) impulses. These deep-seated fears and anxieties that dictate the better part of our culture today simply would not exist in CJ's world.
At the same time, we can’t deny that emotions and impulses are human and natural, whether we coin them as masculine, feminine, or anything else. This is still a story about the human condition, so aggression, competitiveness, and even violence have to have a place in this world. So while there would be no armies and no wars, there could still be NFL football.
Q:
Would there be “toxic femininity”?
A:
No. But that’s definitely another thing the Bible-cultists would talk about a lot. Since the cultists would be Old Testament literalists, they could just have pretty much the same ideology as today’s real-life MAGA bible-thumpers. But it’ll be funny cause they’re just discovering these concepts in the Bible that nobody else even acknowledges anymore. They could be the only people who eat meat, for example, while everyone else is literally friends with animals. They’ll hate "immigrants" and “foreigners” even though there aren’t any nations or borders. Most of all, they’ll be proudly misogynistic, even though nobody else even uses the words “male” or “female” anymore. They’ll be offended by almost everything about this world, but the things they really hate most of all are CJ’s swaying flaccid hog and his big ole d-cup titties.
A QUICK CJ VIGNETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CJ is born 7bs 3oz. and 19” long. But despite his size he was not, in any sense of the word, an infant.
He could stand, walk, and talk within his first day in Joseph’s care.
By the eighth day he had begun to grow a beard.
Within a fortnight he could reliably convey his thoughts in full sentences.
At first, those thoughts ranged from esoteric to indecipherable, because he had as large a vocabulary as any other 14-day-old baby.
But CJ was a good baby. He slept all night, and learned to feed and change himself as soon as he had the dexterity. That low-level capability made life infinitely easier for he and Joseph over the first two and a half years or so. But when CJ began to test his boundaries, as all children are wont to do, that capability made life infinitely more difficult.
After his third birthday, CJ spent three weeks living in a large cedar tree.
One day, when a storm was coming in, Joseph begged CJ to come back in the house. CJ replied that he had to protect the animals in the tree from the storm, and he would only come back if he could bring all the animals in with him. Joseph agreed so CJ climbed down from the tree followed by 4 squirrels, 3 thrushes, 2 porcupines, and a jungle cat. CJ marched across the field and the animals formed a line behind him, single file, and followed him right through the door. The animals stayed in the house and did CJ's bidding until the following spring, 7 months later.
At age four, CJs favorite sport was creeping into the fields and leading one just one sheep away from the flock. He had built a tiny saddle to fit the size of a sheep and a three-and-a-half foot man.
He'd mount the sheep and ride it for as long as he could, while Joseph counted the seconds out loud. Most times the sheep would tire of running after about 5-10 minutes, at which point CJ’d just shout out her time and head back to the flock and pluck off another mount.
He would continue this little game for several hours on end, weather permitting.
Over time a group of local shepherds and their children began to gather on the hillside to watch him play. CJ loved the attention so he'd proudly announce each sheep's time and run up to the hill for a round of high-fives anytime a ewe broke her own personal record.
Centuries later, in the Utopia, rodeos and state fairs are all gonna become central to community life. The State Fair could be like a hotbed for progressive politics and philosophical dialogue in general, and of course they'd be run by feminists and communists and organic farmers.. But the best part is the bible-thumpers fuckin' HAAATTTTE Mutton Bustin'.
CJ's DREAM JOURNAL!!!!!
Dream #1:
Jesus has a dream where he’s on a boat all by himself in the middle of the ocean. Just floating.
Its real quiet, no land in sight, no clouds in the sky, and no wind.
He looks behind him and there’s a giant tiger in the back of the boat.
He screams and wakes up.
Dream #2:
Jesus has a dream where he’s a cow. Just eating grass all day long. He walks slowly through the pasture. The sun feels warm on his back.
In the afternoon he takes a nap under a tree. After the nap he walks back into the sun. He moos at another cow, then eats some more grass.
Later in the day he comes back to the tree and looks at a little flower growing out of the trunk.
He’d never noticed it before. He leans his head in to looks at it closely.
Then a tiger jumps out of the tree and he wakes up.
Dream #3:
Jesus has another dream where he’s on a boat all by himself in the middle of the ocean. He immediately checks for tigers. All clear.
The boat is empty except for the ropes and rigging.
He sees a little island in the distance and turns the sail around to the starboard side to head towards it. He’s picking up speed, but when he looks up the island looks like it’s off the starboard side again, so he turns the sail again. But the island is still off to the side. A few more turns and he still can’t line it up. He checks the sails and the hoists. Then he sees a line that got wrapped around the mast in all the turning. So he picks up the line and passes it around the mast four times to uncoil it.
As soon as it’s all straightened out it starts raining. Pouring rain, he can’t see shit, the island is gone. Now he’s real upset, starts praying for a tiger to come eat him.
Then a giant seahorse comes up out of the water. CJ’s like "What the fuck, for real."
The Seahorse is holding a wine glass in one fin and a cigarette in the other. He takes a big sip of the wine, finishes the glass and places it on the deck of CJ's boat. Seahorse looks around, seems a bit lost. He says “Hey pal ya gotta light?”
CJ’s like “What?”
Seahorse says “A match? A light... Ah you don’t smoke. Just check that Emergency Kit in the bow,” the seahorse points down with his other fin “should be a flare gun in there or something.”
CJ looks down, he didn’t remember there being a kit in the bow, but there it is. He opens it up and a blinding light comes pouring out.
CJ struggles to open his eyes, it’s like looking straight into the sun. Vaguely, through his eyelids he sees the silhouette of the flare gun. He pulls it out and closes the lid of the kit as fast as he can. “Um, here ya go, friend...” CJ says as he hands the gun to the seahorse, “...and thank you, I think.”
Seahorse says “Yea, no sweat, you can keep it. Got all kindsa good shit in there.”
Seahorse fires the flare and it explodes high overhead in a huge shower of golden sparks.
Seahorse continues - “Sorry to bother you on your cruise, pal. I can’t ever keep a pack of matches dry down there.”
CJ looks confused, he says “How did you keep the cigarette dry?”
The seahorse takes a drag, looks at the cigarette, exhales the smoke and says “Ya know, I never thought of it that way. Huh.” He pauses and drags it again. “Wow. Man, this is gonna be huge. Listen, you've been a big help, kid, but I gotta split. Anything else I can do for you?”
CJ says “Well, I could use some food, and if you could help me get to that island out there it’d be tight.”
Seahorse yells excitedly, “Ah HA! Now, food we can do.”
Seahorse reaches down into the water and pulls out a fish. “Sushi?” He asks as he displays the fish to CJ.
CJ nods, he’s cautiously optimistic.
Seahorse puts the fish on the deck next to the wine glass and carves off a filet with the edge of his giant fin and hands it to CJ.
“Thanks.” CJ says warily.
Then the seahorse waves his big, spread-out fin over the wounded fish. When he moves the fin away there are two tiny fishes where the one near-dead one had been. Seahorse drops the baby fish into the water and they swim away.
“Woah.” CJ is amazed.
The seahorse drags his smoke again and coughs out a laugh, “Heh! They better watch out for that tiger, right buddy?” The seahorse elbows CJ with a curled fin and chuckles at his own joke. CJ forces out a nervous laugh as well.
Seahorse sits down on the edge of the boat to eat the sashimi with CJ. He reaches into the water again and pulls out a wine bottle. He goes to pour into his glass but nothing comes out. “Damn. Hey, go back in the kit for me and grab another bottle, we’re all out.” CJ reaches for the kit and opens it, very slowly this time - trying to avoid being blinded again.
“Go ahead, nothing to be scared of.” Seahorse says “They won’t mind. I’m here, so it’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.”
CJ is not reassured. He looks at Seahorse skeptically. Seahorse waves his fin at CJ imploring him to go on. CJ opens the kit and right away he can make out the silhouette of a bottle and a cup, he pulls them both out quickly and slams the box closed. Seahorse opens the bottle and pours them each a glass. They eat and drink and it might be the first time that Seashorse had stopped talking since he showed up.
For a moment there was no sound at all and they could hear every raindrop plink off the ocean’s flat surface.
The silence is broken by a bang and another flare whistling up into the sky.
CJ looks up and Seahorse is tucking a cigarette box under his fin. He stops, pulls the box back out and points it at CJ. “Oh right, you don’t smoke, sorry, bud.” Then he tucks the box away and stands up on his tail. “OK, kid. The sushi’s on me. And I can help you get to the island. But you gotta come back down here with me first. We gotta tell the guys about your idea.”
............................................................................
After that I'm thinkin they probably get sidetracked on their way back to wherever Seahorse was tryna go. They’ll have to do some other weird shit underwater, and I might not have CJ find out what “his idea” actually is for a long time if ever. Maybe he’ll wake up and have to revisit this dream a few times to get the island.
Eventually he finds out that the island isn’t actually an island, it’s the head of a giant snake (which is why it was moving at the start of the dream). The snake, as he’ll eventually learn, is coiled up deep under the ocean and the coils actually are the core of the earth, and all the water and land is piled up on top of it.
LETS GOOO!!!!!
"But, Seahorse, how do you smoke underwater?"
"It's sea weed, baby!"
DREAM #4:
CJ has a dream where he's walking down the street and comes upon this huge old house. Outside the front door of the house is a 3-foot-tall metal statue of the Buddha. The statue looks very old, maybe older than the house, but it's golden head still shines brightly in the daylight.
When CJ stops to look at the statue it looks up at him and waves it's hand toward the door, silently asking CJ to enter to house.
CJ follows Lil' Buddha into the house and they walk up the stairs.
At the top of the stairs is a long hallway with several evenly spaced doors on each side. Lil' Buddha steps to the right of the first door and motions toward it with his glimmering hand.
CJ opens the door and finds, somehow, that there are hundreds of people inside.
CJ stands on his tip toes to peer over the crowd and he can see a body wrapped in a sheet on a table in the middle of the room.
CJ looks down at Lil' Buddha and asks "Is this a funeral? What is this place?"
Lil' Buddha is silent, he stares back at CJ emotionlessly and gently closes the door.
Lil' Buddha proceeds down the hall to the next door and waves for CJ to follow.
He opens the second door and finds pallbearers lifting a casket. The third door has another entirely different, yet unmistakable, funeral procession.
They go door after door, watching death after death from around the world, until they are back again at the top of the stairs.
The sounds of wailing tears and slow mournful songs now fill the house. Thousands of feet stomp the wood floors and thousands of fists pound the drywall. The crescendoing, cathartic chorus only lasts a moment until Lil' Buddha closes the final doors; then the house falls silent again.
CJ has seen enough.
His heart aches for these people, but he knows he can't help them. He wonders if any of them even knew he was there.
CJ looks down at Lil' Buddha and asks "Please, may I go home now?"
Lil' Buddha once again silently nods and waives his hand toward the front door of the mansion, allowing CJ his leave.
CJ walks down the stairs and toward the front door.
He opens the door, and only then realizes that Lil' Buddha is still standing at the top of the stairs. CJ looks up at Lil' Buddha and asks "Will you come with me?"
Lil' Buddha says:
"No. But I'll see you again soon."
Then CJ wakes up.
DREAM #5:
CJ has another dream where he's back in the middle of the ocean with the giant seahorse.
Now he's underwater, nestled inside a giant conch shell which is gently descending toward the ocean floor.
By the time CJ realizes where he is, Seahorse is already midway through a lengthy anecdote that involves several people with 4+ syllable names. CJ tries to follow the story, but he couldn't have repeated the names if he tried as they evaporate from his memory.
"... so obviously Útgarðaloki kicked our asses outta Jötunheimr. Me, Þjálfi, and Röskva haven't been back since. And to this day I still can't figure out how he got Jörmungandr into the castle in the first place. But, shit. Fuck it, right? We're still here aint we?"
Seahorse curls the end of his fin into a fist and extends it toward CJ.
CJ hesitantly gives Seahorse a pound.
Seahorse punches CJ's fist then whistles loudly as he 'explodes' the fist and flutters his fin down toward CJ's face.
"Gotta blow it up, bro."
CJ laughs, "Yea, arright", he says.
"Ya know what we need, kid?"
"What?"
"A HANDSHAKE!! Ya' know? We gotta be like pow-pow-pow-pow just like Jose Reyes used to do! It'll be SO COOL!! Then we'll be - Dogs. For. Life. ROUFF ROUFF ROUFF!!!!"
CJ notices the empty bottle in Seahorse's other fin and he's pretty sure Seahorse drank the whole thing while he was asleep in the conch shell.
"Yea, dog, no doubt", CJ says, "But I think I fell asleep. Where are we? What happened to my boat?"
"Forget the boat! You're travellin' in STYLE now, kid."
"In a shell?"
"FUCK YEA, IN A SHELL!! How have you never ridden in a shell before? Kids these days. Sheesh. If you want a boat so bad just ask the box. You can get a way better one outta there anyway."
"No, no, no! It's great!" CJ instists, "It's actually really comfortable, I mean, I fell right asleep in here."
Seahorse interjects sternly - "Of course these shells are comfortable that's why we made em look like vaginas!!! But don't get too comfy now, we're almost there. You can take it for a spin later if ya want."
CJ peers over the edge of his shell and he still can't see the seafloor. It looks like there's still a long way to go, but Seahorse seems to be getting increasingly anxious. CJ tries to make conversation to keep them occupied -
"So, how far away you think the island is anyway. Looked far."
"What island?"
"The island. You know. There was only one island in this sea. You said you could get me there remember?"
Seahorse spits out a laugh -
"OH!!! Hohohohohoooo, buddy!! Ah, man. Sorry, kid, guess you were really conked out there. You didn't hear any of those fuckin' stories I just told you?"
CJ shakes his head, "No."
"Arright, kid. Gimme that lighter again."
CJ reaches down past his feet, into the coils of the conch shell and finds the emergency kit from the boat. He opens it up and beams of light erupt from inside. The ocean water refracts the light which becomes a kaleidoscopic spectrum of color. CJ takes a moment to glance around at the spectacle. Bioluminescent creatures approach from the shadows.
"Heh. Yea, it is cool isn't it?" Seahorse remarks, as even he was momentarily taken aback.
A moment later CJ catches himself nearly slipping out of his shell. He comes to his senses and looks down at the kit. There the silhouette of the flare gun immediately appears. CJ grabs the gun, closes the case, and hands it over to Seahorse.
"You sure that thing's gonna work under water?"
"It'll work if you want it to, it's your box."
"OK, go ahead, shoot it."
Seahorse fires the gun and quickly swims out of his shell to chase the trail of sparks. He catches a burning ember out of the water, then swims back. Seahorse sits back in his shell. He shakes his body briskly as his tail curls inside the spiral shell. Then, finally, he opens his fin and shows CJ the ember - still burning.
"FUCKIN AWESOME, RIGHT?! Now we can have Hannukah down here! HA!!!"
Seahorse lights his cigarette from the flame in his palm, and smiles proudly as he pulls a drag, "fuck yea", he whispers to himself. “What were we talkin about?”
“The island.”
“What island?" Seahorse pauses - They are now on the seafloor standing before an enormous coral reef.
"Oh, right. The Island. Yea, it's pretty far. It'll take the better part of a day in the shells. So that's why we're here - this is my place. Had to grab my fishing poles before we head that way anyway, so we can just hang out here tonight. Have some drinks - nice dinner - and we can shove off in the morning.”
Seahorse welcomes CJ into his home - they swim through the crop of coral which are, in fact, the gates of Seahorse's hidden palace. Inside, the palace is luxurious and ornately decorated with gold and crystal. CJ is in awe.
Seahorse says - "I told em I wanted it to look just like Trump Tower. Not bad right?"
Seahorse's cooks prepare an incredible feast - clams, oysters, eel, snapper, octopus - full spread.
"Its like Italian Christmas everyday down here I fuckin love it!" Seahorse chuckles as he devoured the plates.
CJ and the seahorse drink and eat and laugh for hours. Seahorse regales CJ with incredible and dubious tales but CJ enjoys them all the same. They even make up a handshake for themselves.
At the end of the night Seahorse offers CJ a bed in one of the palace's many guest rooms. CJ declines.
The palace is incredible, but now that he's got a few drinks in him, CJ just can't wait to curl back up in that sexy, sexy conch shell.
....................................................
Dream #6:
When he woke he had no idea how long he'd been out - he barely remembered crawling into the shell the night before, and it was hard to tell if the sun was up yet from down there on the ocean floor.
CJ wandered back into Seahorse's castle and the lights were all still out. No one else was awake yet. So he got himself a bowl of cereal and took a seat on the sofa. This was CJ's absolute favorite way to start the day. He always loved that serene early morning quiet before everyone comes back to life for the day. Even at the bottom of the ocean the world is especially quiet just before dawn.
Between spoonfuls of cereal, CJ reached for a magazine on the coffee table. As he reached his elbow grazed a pair of small earthenware jars that spill onto the floor. One jar landed at CJ's feet and pops open revealing Seahorse's seaweed stash. CJ looks at the magazine - "Fantasy Football 2021 Preview" - and says to himself, "Not really tryina read this anyway." Then he layed the magazine on his lap, broke up some of seaweed on it, rolled a joint, and started a game of Mario Kart.
He was so relaxed there on the couch that he barely noticed the snake that had slithered across the floor toward him, and began twisting itself around CJ's ankle.
CJ was trying to hang on to 1st place in his fourth straight race that morning, his eyes were locked on the screen, so he continued to ignore the snake as it coiled around his leg and began traveling up towards his spine. When the snake reached CJ's shoulder blade he paused the game, took a long pull off his seaweed joint and blew the smoke in the snake's face. The snake stoped for a moment, reared its head and hissed as CJ nonchalantly turned away and unpaused the game.
The snake extended itself toward CJ's ear and whispered to him: "You're not afraid of me?"
CJ replied, "Nope. You're not the only talking animal here, ya know?"
The snake hissed contentedly. "Very good. You'll do." Then it climbed down the back of the couch and slithered out of sight.
A couple hours later Seahorse came stumbling down the stairs, still half blind from yesterday's wine.
"Did you make coffee yet?" he asks CJ.
"I don't drink coffee, just got myself some cereal and a little glass of juice." CJ replied.
"HAHAHA!!!" Seahorse busted out laughing "Cereal and juice?! What are you 5 years old? That's not a breakfast!! At least get the cook to make you a belgian waffle to go with that Best Western Continental spread you got there." Seahorse headed toward the kitchen still laughing to himself. "Check out's at 10am, junior, HA!!!"
After a few minutes CJ could smell the bacon and coffee wafting out of the kitchen. Seahorse would be back soon. So he finished his race and started rolling another joint to smoke with Seahorse. The snake slithered by again and hissed aggressively at CJ. He shooed the snake away with his foot and finished rolling.
Just then Seahorse busted throw the kitchen door with a platter of food in one hand and a pot of coffee in the other.
"You didn't need to do all that, I already ate." CJ said bashfully.
"I didn't. This is for me." Seahorse said, as he put the platter and pot on the table and takes a seat next to CJ. "But let's light that bad boy up first!"
They smoke, then Seahorse eats as CJ goes back to the game.
CJ said, "I saw a snake in here before."
"A SNAKE?!?!" Seahorse coughed and nearly choked. Smoke and coffee sprayed from his mouth. "You didn't kill it did you?"
"Of course not," CJ say, "my dad always told me not to kill a snake in the house. You gotta tell it to leave three times first - just in case it's actually a genie disguise."
"You're dad's a smart guy." Seahorse was already scrambling around on the floor peering under the couches and opening all the cabinets and drawers. "We gotta find that bitch. NOW!!"
"Wait. You have a GENIE?!?" CJ said, "What do you need a genie for? We got the box, we can do anything we want!"
"Almost anything... and, no, I don't have a genie. She's still a snake, for now. That's why we gotta get her back in the jar pronto."
"Last time I saw it - I mean her - she went that way. I'll check the other room."
CJ walked down the hall as Seahorse rifled through the couch cushions.
In the dining room CJ got down on his hands and knees and crawled under the table. Right away he saw the snake slithering toward him - passing back and forth between the legs of the table and chairs. CJ reached his hand out to the snake and she wrapped herself around his wrist.
CJ marched back into the living room triumphantly holding the snake up over his head. "Hey, Seahorse, I found her!! She was under the table. Came right to me as soon as I went in there, I think she likes me."
"You think she likes you?? Lemme tell you something about genies - they don't like NOBODY! Don't ever trust a ge--"
Seahorse was interrupted by a loud explosion and a huge cloud of smoke between he and CJ. As the smoke began to clear they could see the snake had transformed into a giant chimerical creature.
In genie form, the upper half of her serpentine body had grown to the size and shape of a human woman. She had also grown arms, golden eagle wings, and the head of a cat with a dreaded ponytail of human hair cascading down her back.
"AH SHIT!!!" Seahorse yelled.
"Yea that's right 'oh shit'!!" Genie said to Seahorse "Your friend let me out, so I got a new master now!! Fuck you, Seahorse!!! Can't tell me shit now, motherfucker!!"
Seahorse turns to CJ, fuming. "DAMN IT!!! You touched her three times didn't you? Fuck, man!!! Do you have any idea how long it took me to catch a genie?"
"No clue."
"Years!! See, everytime I see a snake I kick it two times then catch it in a jar. After a week or two I'll peek inside the jar. If the snake is dead, then it was just a snake. If it's still alive then it's probably a genie. This was like the 70th snake!!"
"That's kinda fucked up, to be honest."
"Look, it's important, though. I need those wishes. I've been commissioner of my fantasy league for ten years and I haven't won a 'chip yet! The whole league is getting together this year for the draft, I was gonna bring Lil'Genie with me and wish for a 'chip right there in front of everybody. They woulda fuckin lost it, dude!"
"You call her 'Lil'Genie'?"
"Yea that's her name. She told me."
CJ shakes his head in disbelief. "Whatever. Why don't I just wish for the 'ship for you? Then I can use the second wish to go back home, and the third to set the genie free or whatever."
"But I was tryin'a get 3 though! Can you wish for a three-peat?"
"I'll give it a shot."
CJ turns to the genie "Genie, I'd like to make a wish."
"Yes, Master, your wish is my command."
"I wish for Seahorse to win a three-peat in his fantasy football league."
Lil'Genie slithers closer to CJ and curls her tail around his arm.
"Oh, Master, you're too generous. But please don't waste your wishes on this asshole. Seahorse cares for no one but himself. What has he done for you to deserve such a gift?"
CJ thinks for a moment.
"Well, he fed me when I was starving, gave me a magic box and a conch shell, he shared his wine and seaweed with me... He's been pretty great actually!"
"Hmmf." Lil'Genie pouts. "Well, fuck that. No."
"No?!?" Seahorse and CJ shout.
"No. I can't grant that wish. First of all, I'm not granting shit for Mr. Ed over here. Also even if I wanted to, I can't. A "three-peat" is three things. That's three wishes, not one."
"Alright, hang on, lemme talk to him." CJ puts a hand on Seahorse's shoulder and walks him into the other room.
CJ leans in to talk to Seahorse without being overheard. "It's not gonna work. She really doesn't like you."
"I don't give a fuck what she likes, that's MY FUCKIN GENIE!!!"
"Shhh. Keep it down, man. I wanna help you here, but we gotta work together. Let's think. There's gotta be another way to wish for a fantasy 'ship."
They stand in silence for a moment.
Finally, Seahorse gets an idea.
"Ok, ok, ok, ok, I got it. Why don't you and Lil'Genie join the league and then we can just collude on trades and shit, ya know? Cheat the old fashioned way!! I'm the commissioner we can totally pull it off!!"
CJ looks at Seahorse dubiously.
"I don't know man, I'm in three leagues already."
"Oh c'mon! You're gonna love it, this league is the BEST!! It's me, Raven, Coyote, the Monkey King, Maui, Hemes, and Hermes' two idiot friends Apollo and Artemis. We wanted to find two more to make it a ten team league next year anyway. It'll be perfect."
"You know Lil'Genie won't do it. She hates your guts."
"So you ask her. She likes you. Just bring it up kinda casually, and tell her it's your league. Don't mention me. She's gonna have to hang out with you until you make all your wishes anyway, so just don't wish for anything yet. Just, ya know, hang out with her until the draft next week. Then if she doesn't get on board, we can use the wishes for draft picks and waiver moves and shit."
"You just want me to" CJ air-quotes with his fingers, "'hang out' with her?"
Seahorse winks and slaps CJ on the back.
"Man, I'm tellin' you. If you liked sleeping in a conch shell, your gonna LOVE sleeping with a snake-genie."
...................................
APOLLO & ARTEMIS GET KICKED OUT OF WAFFLE HOUSE
CHAPTER I: Apollo & Artemis Get Kicked Out of Olympus
What's up, everybody! I'm Atlantiades, but my friends just call me A-T-L.
You guys might remember me from my stint in the Wonder Woman comics, back in 2019. Volume five, number sixty-nine through eighty-one? No? Oh, well that's OK. Even if you never heard of me, you're probably familiar with know my work. I control all the cupids on Earth, so anytime you got a boner or your pussy got wet, that was me.
You're welcome.
But enough about me, I got a story to tell you guys. It's about my best friend Artemis and her dumb-ass brother, and how they fucked everything up for everybody. They're gonna be pissed when they find out I told you guys all this - but it's just too fuckin’ funny. Plus they're in jail right now anyway - Fuckin' HUMAN jail, on EARTH! I'm tellin you guys - They fucked up Carson Wentz style - unmitigated disaster.
It all started about 800 years ago - The year was 1226.
My granddad Zeus had arranged a huge party on Mount Olympus for his 5,000th birthday. He invited everybody. All the other Gods, even his dad Uranus who he hadn't talked to in like forever.
He made a super big deal about it, even got the planets to align just right so great-grandpa could come down and wouldn’t complain about the schlepp (spoiler alert - he complained about the schlepp).
My dad, Mercury, had to haul thousands of barrels of Zeus’ favorite Sicilian wine up there. Z kept sending him back for more until there were no grapes left on the whole island. My mom, Venus, called me a couple days before and she's all like "Hey why don't I give you a ride up to Olympus?"
And I'm like "Nah, mom, I'm gonna fly. I can fly. Remember?"
She fuckin knew that shit, buy she tries to play dumb like "Oh, yea, right. Hey why don't you send a cupid to pick me up to and we can fly together?!" She’s always trying to get the cupids to fly her places. Then she always asks them why I don't have a “boyfriend” yet. Ugh. So annoying. I had to make something up about how I had some errands to do that day, so I might be late, and I know you gotta get there early to help dad and granddad setup... yadda yadda yadda.
That's why when I got there the night before I had to avoid her completely. It was a new moon that night so I knew Artemis was home. I told Cupid to wait outside til I called her, so Artie wouldn't think I was tryin to fuck her (which I kinda was). I snuck in the back door, real quiet, Grandad didn't even hear me come in, and I went straight up the stairs to Artemis' room. Her and Apollo were up there smoking blunts and playing Mario Kart.
"Yo! What's up, you guys?!"
Apollo and Artemis look up from the game. "A-T-L IN THE BUILDING!!!" Apollo exclaims. "Come'ere, hit this, dog!!" He pointed a lit blunt in my direction.
"Don't mind if I do!!!" I took the blunt and hit it as I sat between them on the couch.
Apollo looks me up and down, "Nice outfit, A-T, hehe." I don't wear clothes, of course, but he always thinks that shit is funny. He's so stupid, ugh.
"You guys just been up here playing games all night?" I asked.
"Yea, well Apollo's gotta get up early tomorrow for sunrise, so we were just gonna stay in tonight. You can hang if you want, A-T-L" Artemis had a suggestive lilt to her voice.
"Oh yea?" I said, placing a hand on her thigh.
She winks at me and twirls my hair around her finger. "Yea. Apollo was just leaving. Weren't you, Ape?"
"Yea, yea, one more game tho." Apollo's eyes are fixated on the screen, he doesn't notice our flirting.
They started up another race, and I rolled myself another blunt.
Just then the door flies open. We hear "WHAT'S UP LOSERS?!? YOU GUYS TRYINA PARTY OR WHAT???"
It's Dionysus.
"YOOOO, HOT'LANTA!!! Oh shit! I didn't know you were coming!! Now it's a fuckin PARTY!!!"
"What up, D?" I said cooly. I love D. That's my road dog from way back, but I just knew he was gonna cock-block me and Artie.
Dionysus walked in followed by Medusa and her sisters Stheno and Euryale.
The Gorgon sisters were looking HOT that night. Wearing their sexiest little dresses, fresh pedicures, and their snakes were all curled up. They did NOT come here to smoke blunts and play Mario Kart.
"What the fuck is this, D? This place smells like my dad's car. You said this was a the party?"
"Yea, I know, baby, chill. We're goin, we're goin." Dionysus lit a cigarette and handed it to Euryale. "Just gimme a minute a'ight?"
Dionysus leaned over the back of the couch and whispered to us. "You guys gotta help me out. I told these chicks we could pre-game before Z's party but there's no fucking wine left down there. You guys got any drinks in the fridge?"
"I know, my dad brought all the grapes up here for Grandpa Z. I could send Cupid down to get some blow or something."
"Oh Cupid’s here too?! Niiiice!!! But don't tell Medusa tho, I don't want her to think I'm trying to fuck her."
"But you are trying to fuck her." I said, raising my voice so the Gorgons would hear.
"Shhhhhh!!!! Damn, keep it down!"
"Hehehehe. I got you, D." I said, nudging him with my elbow. I had an idea where this could work out for both of us.
I turned to Artemis. "Artie, you know where your dad keeps the wine, right?"
Apollo interrupts before she can answer. "Aw c'mon, you guys. I gotta get up early tomorrow."
I know Apollo doesn't like going out at night but he’s a push-over. He never says no to me. I put a hand on his shoulder and say, gently: "You don't have to drink if you don't want to, Ape. Just play us some music for us for like an hour. Please?"
"Ugh, fine, but this is the last time, A-T." Apollo puts down the controller and turns off the TV. "I'll go get my guitar."
Apollo goes to get his shit and Atrie goes to her room to get dressed. I went to holler at the Gorgons, who were taking turns smoking Dionysus' cigarette. "Long time no see, ladies."
"'Sup, Atlantiades. Nice dress." Medusa says, looking straight through me. The Gorgons are still mad at me it seems. It's a long story.
"Ha. Good one." I'm trying to be nice 'cause D's my boy. "How's Solomon?"
"Fine. We'll tell him you said hi."
"Please do." Oof. The Gorgon's were not feelin me. I'm definitely gonna have to bring Cupid with us down to the wine cellar.
Thankfully Artie and Ape came back out just then and we all headed down stairs. Artie led us through the labyrinth beneath the palace, and into Zeus' secret wine cellar.
It was incredible. Literally all the wine in Sicily was bottled and ready for the party. I think I saw D cry a little bit when he saw all those bottles.
We each grabbed a bottle and popped em open.
It was DELICIOUS!!! Went down so smooth. We told Apollo he had to try it.
Next thing you know Ape is pulling out a folding table to set up a beirut game. Him and Artie played the first game against D and Medusa.
While they played I snuck back upstairs to grab Cupid. Gonna get this party POPPIN!
When I got back to the cellar Artie and the Gorgons were shotgunning wine bottles. Artie's a maniac. She was gonna drink them under the fuckin table. Apollo and Dionysus were half in the bag too. Ape was rolling a blunt. D was trying to tap a keg. They didn't even notice Cupid, who crept around and hit all five of them it the back while I casually got myself a bottle off the shelf.
Now, Artie happens to be one of the special goddesses who can't be influenced by Cupid (but I know she ain't no virgin!), the love potion usually just gets her a little loose. Cupid hit her with an arrow and she kept on pounding the wine like nothing happened. But the Gorgons' snakes instantly started to unwind as Apollo and Dionysus swaggered over toward them.
"BAM!!!" Artemis smashed her empty bottle on the table. "WOOOOO!!!!!" She howled and started strutting and shaking her fingers like Ric Flair.
Artie was lit. We all knew what was coming next.
Dionysus pointed at Artie with both hands and yelled:
"I'M THE STYLIN‘!! PROFILIN'..."
Artie fired the finger-guns back at D:
"...JET FLYIN'!! CADILLAC DRIVIN'..."
They kept going back and forth -
"...WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'!! KISS STEALIN’!!."
"...LIMOUSINE RIDIN'!!"
“…DIAMOND ROLEX WEARIN' SON OF A GUN!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
Then she stood up on the table and declared it the King of Sandwiches.
We all looked at eachother, kind of confused. Nobody was really sure what that meant but she seemed serious. Her eyes rolled back in her head for a second and she said some sort of magic spell none of us had ever heard before. The cheese and coleslaw started to glow as she took the first bite.
Then she jumped down off the table and ran up to each of us raving about how brilliant it was, and how it was the most delicious, and most beautiful sandwich ever. And she begged us all to try it. (It was kinda gross honestly). The Gorgons really got into it too, tho. Once Artie got around to them they ate the whole thing and pulled Artie over to the buffet and begged her to make more. Then Artie and the three snake sisters ran off to another room clutching their precious sandwiches.
Then Artemis bum rushed D. She put a fuckin perfect form tackle on him like TJ Watt, and they both crashed through the table. There was broken glass and wine everywhere. D and Artie didn't give a fuck, they were rolling around, laughing their asses off. Feelin no pain. Ape climbed the shelves and dropped a flying elbow on both of them.
This was all part of the plan of course. I wanted Artie to blow off some steam down here so I could scoop her up when she was ready to go to bed. Otherwise she’ll stay up all night.
At this point the Gorgons were warming up to me so I poured four glasses and set out on a clean barrel. We drank a bit more and made some small talk. Cupid took a bottle down too. She used to live with them back when I was little. It was actually kinda nice catching up with the old crew. But Stheno was starting to nod out, so I sent Cupid back upstairs to get us some munchies. She came back with the whole spread from the party. Cocktail shrimp, fondue fountain, cheeseburger sliders, calamari, prosciutto, chicken fingers, THE WORKS!!! The Nature Boys smelled it coming too and we all WENT IN on that buffet like Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Back in the day, me and Artemis used to get shit-faced together all the time, but I had never seen her this fucked up before.She made this giant sandwich, which was like a fish sandwich, a burger, and a chicken sandwich all stacked on top of each other.
Apollo, Dionysus, and me were like what the fuck, for real. It looked like my chances with Artie were fucked for the night. So the three of us went back to pounding wine.
We took down a few more bottles then Apollo picked up the guitar to show us how he taught himself how to play Hot For Teacher. He was way too drunk, and it sounded like shit, so D and I stumbled off to another room to crash.
We weren't asleep for more than a few hours before we woke up to the sound of the Gorgons puking in the next room. Dionysus rolls over and says "Damn, how much did they drink, I've never seen them puke before."
I never had either. Gods don't get hangovers, ever.
We went to go to their room to see what was going on when Artie came busting out of the door. "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!!!!!"
"Woah!!" I grabbed Artie by the arm, "What the fuck happened?"
"Oh shit, A-T, I fucked up bad!! I think they're pregnant!!!"
"They're WHAT?!?!" D and I yell simultaneously.
"Oh shit oh shit. Zeus is gonna flip. OH SHIT ZEUS!! THE PARTY!!! Where's Apollo???"
Artemis ran back into the cellar to find Apollo and get the place cleaned up. D and I went into the room to check on the ladies.
Yup, they're pregnant alright.
It's the damnedest thing. See, a long time ago King Solomon had used his magic to fix all the demons and nymphs so only he could get 'em pregnant; but somehow that blessing Artie put on "The Sandwich King" undid it and they all got knocked up with sandwich babies. Ain't that about a bitch?!
We heard a lot of noise coming from down the hall:
First it sounded like Apollo had figured out the opening to Hot For Teacher, it sounded good this time too. "Oh shit, D, he got it!" I said, nodding my head. I was just about to go out there when we heard a door slam and the music stopped. D blocked my way out to the hall. "It’s Zeus.” He says, “Apollo forgot the sunrise. Zeus is gonna fuckin lose it when he sees all the wine is gone. They are FUCKED."
"What do we do?"
"Fuckin' NOTHING! We stay right fuckin' here and hide unless you wanna get a lightning bolt up your ass.” D was somehow both whispering and screaming at me at the same time. “We just wait here til Zeus leaves. Then we'll sneak out, fly back down to Earth, and split up so he doesn't come after us."
Just then Medusa slapped D in the back of the head. "Fuck Zeus!! Look at us!!! We can't go home like this."
"She's right," I said, "Solomon'll never believe they got pregnant from a sandwich. He’ll probably blame us. The girls have to stay up here til after the Sandwich Babies are born.”
”And then what, ATLANTIADES?” Medusa got right up in my face “We’re just gonna go home and pretend this never happened? Fuck you! I love that sandwich and we are gonna be a part of our sandwich baby’s life.”
”Yea, the sandwich loves us too!!” The sisters chime in, “We’re gonna be happy together!!!”
Dionysus tried to keep them calm “OK, OK. We’ll figure this out. But first we gotta get out of this cellar.”
Cupid knew the way. “There’s another stairway at the end of this hall. We can get outside from there.”
We tiptoed out into the hall. Grandpa Z’s voice echoed through the whole cellar, he was PISSED.
“THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU TWO FUCK UP MY SHIT!! YOU’RE FUCKING DONE, BOTH OF YOU!!! RA AND THOTH ARE ALREADY HERE, I’M GIVING THEM THE SUN AND MOON BACK!!“
”Oh c’mon, dad, it’s not our fault…” Apollo begged.
“I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT! YOU TWO ARE BANISHED!!! 1,000 YEARS ON EARTH!!! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!!”
”No! Dad, please!!” They both cried.
“GET OUT!!!!“ Thunder boomed from down the hall.
D stopped, looked back at us, and whispered, “Told y’all. Lightning up the ass.”
We crept up the stairs and out the back door. Cupid filled us in on the rest of her plan:
"Once Apollo and Artemis come out we take the last few bottles out of the cellar, head down to Earth, and go straight to King Solomon's castle. We'll have Artemis disguise herself as Medusa and go to Solomon with the wine. She gets Solomon drunk while Cupid flies up behind him and shoots him with a love arrow. Artemis takes Solomon to bed and then, when it's dark, she sneaks out and Medusa sneaks in. In the morning Solomon'll think he got the Gorgons pregnant.”
Medusa wasn't convinced. "But it's a Sandwich Baby, Solomon will know it's not his."
"How will he know?" Asked Cupid. "You ever seen a Sandwich Baby?"
"Well. No."
"Me neither. So I say we cross that bridge when we get to it. For now this is the only way we all get home tonight. Well, except for Artie and Ape, of course, they're fucked. But since they got nowhere else to go, they'll have to go along with us."
It was hard to argue with Cupid's logic. And, actually, her plan went off without a hitch.
The Sandwich Babies came out looking like Darth Maul with tartar sauce for hair. Just the ugliest goddamn babies you ever seen. And Solomon still hasn't figured out why they spend so much time in the kitchen, but I guess they're happy.
But of course Apollo and Artemis' story doesn't end there.
They land on Earth in the 13th Century to find a very different world than the one they knew from ancient times. Cum Jesus' good news had spread throughout the Middle East, Africa, and Southern Europe. It was a happy, peaceful world where free thought, free communication, and free love reigned amongst all of CJ's people.
But Artie and Ape come to learn that in the far off lands to the east and west people still worshiped the old gods - The Sun and The Moon.
COMING SOON ON:
APOLLO & ARTEMIS GET KICKED OUT OF WAFFLE HOUSE!!!
CHAPTER II: THE DARK AGES
Artemis travels east and leads the Mongol hordes on their conquest of the Dynasties of China. Later, Apollo heads west with the Spanish Conquistadors and encounters the people of the sun.
CHAPTER III: 'MERICA
Apollo and Artemis find peace in their new kingdom at a Waffle House in Houston, Texas; but nothing on Earth lasts forever.
I: SOLOMON & THE GENIES
II: CJ & SOLOMON
CJ & KING SOLOMON IN THE 4th CENTURY
(Storyboard)
III: BATGIRL MEETS THE ORACLE
IV: THE ORACLE PROPHECY
V: SOLOMON HANDLES BUSINESS
VI: CJ MEETS THE OLD MAN
VII: BATGIRL GOES TO WAR
IX: PROPHECY FULFILLED
VIII: DEATH OF CJ
X: RESURRECTION OF CJ
MEET THE GENIES
THE CUM JESUS TAROT
