CUM JESUS:
A New Syncratic Theodicy
INTRODUCTION:
What's up, everybody?! We're writing a NOVEL!!! It's gonna be the shit! You wanna hear about it?
We got the idea from this line from the book of Job (14:1)
“Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble.”
Now, obviously Jesus was "born of a woman" just like all of us, which is why he had so much troubles in life and had to eventually die. Our story posits – “What if the immaculate conception had happened to Joseph instead?”
It goes like this: Joseph - single guy in the year 0 - jerks himself off one night, busts in his belly button and falls asleep. The next morning Joseph wakes up to find the little baby Jesus curled up there on his stomach. Sure, being a single dad is tough, but the good news is that since Cum Jesus wasn’t born of a woman, so he can live forever and have no troubles.
That’s good news for everybody, really.
See one thing that happens over and over in the Bible is God (and later Jesus) has an OK time gathering prophets and convincing them of the Truth, but people who only hear God’s word from a human prophet are much more dubious. It happens in every book, from Genesis all the way to Revelations. In fact, in Genesis 2, if Adam had been a more convincing prophet, Eve would never have been cursed in the first place. Adam was commanded not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge before Eve was created. We never even see Adam convey the commandment to Eve explicitly. So when this snake comes along that can quote God just as well as Adam and kinda seems smarter than him, Eve was understandably confused.
The point is that when God speaks to people they tend to believe, but a person telling you what God told them is, at the end of the day, just somebody telling you some shit they don’t really know anything about.
So it's kinda funny that a lot of people still quote the Bible at all. 'Cause biblical interpretation is essentially the ONLY thing God told the first man not to do.
I mean, on the one hand, I get it. If you believe the Bible is the only existing artifact of God’s word then, one would be inclined to become invested in it.
Nevertheless, if Adam was God’s first prophet, then the snake was the first Christian Apologist.
Fast forward about two thousand years and the rest of the story takes place in a fictional version of 21st century America, except it’s like crazy futuristic, right? Everything is awesome cause Cum Jesus is still alive!! Talkin bout flying cars, everything’s on blockchain, animals can talk, all that shit. It’s your basic matriarchal, post-agrarian, communist utopia.
For the last two thousand years everybody has known for a fact that God is real. Generations of people have all heard CJ’s Good News with their own ears.
Everything is perfect, because Cum Jesus has shown us how to live in peace with the earth and with each other. No one fears death because we all know our place within the eternal life beyond this world. There’s no pollution, no cops, and no homework – just Cum Jesus’s undying love.
But it isn’t just a story about Cummsy Jesus, it’s a story about humanity. So even though things seem perfect, some people won’t accept it and there’d still be this anti-establishment counter-culture. This would be the year 2020 so there’d be a few billion people in the world, most of whom would have only ever see Cum Jesus on YouTube or whatever, so some of them are naturally gonna be like “How do you KNOW he’s real?”
There wouldn’t be any organized religion in this world, cause why would they need it?
But then we could have “churches” but they’d be underground, like cults or militias. There’d be these fringe religious conservatives who are like “I aint listenin’ to no YouTube Splooge Jesus. The BIBLE says yadda yadda.” But really nobody reads the Bible anymore. It's pretty much out of circulation. Could even be illegal(?) The utopia’s only banned book(?)
Maybe I’ll just say nothing’s really “illegal” in the utopia but religion is widely frowned upon.
I don’t know. We’re still figuring some of this out. Here’s a few other items from the Official CJ-FAQ:
Q:
If CJ is omnipotent, and immortal, and completely untroubled, isn’t he just Dr. Manhattan?
A:
The whole problem with Dr. Manhattan is he’s still a dude. He’s omnipotent and immortal and he seemed untroubled by most humans’ trivial concerns, but he was constantly entangled with mortal women.
To keep CJ completely above the fray of this mortal coil, we’ll have to remove his desire for traditional sexual relationships.
So he definitely couldn’t be a “he,” in the way Dr. Manhattan is. CJ’d have to have been born intersex - ie born with two sets of fully functioning genitalia. As an adult he’d likely live as a “he/him lesbian” or, perhaps alternately, as a cogendered asexual.
Either way we feel like labels and pronouns won’t be that big a deal in the utopia. People are people and everybody fucks whoever they want, ya know?
Except CJ, of course, but it would be funny to have him be naked all the time.
Q:
Why wasn’t Joseph pregnant like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior?
A:
Since there’s no c-sections in the year 0 the only realistic options are awfully messy. Like, there's no way a man would survive "natural" childbirth, and if the fetus somehow grew outside of Joseph's body then he'd have to carry around a sack of amniotic fluid for 9 months. We're not writing that, that's gross.
Honestly, Jospeh’s pregnancy isn’t gonna be all that important to the rest of the story, so I don’t think I’ll dwell on it too long. Probably just kinda glaze over that part.
Q:
Is CJ a dictator?
A:
No, but he would certainly be accused of being one. There won’t be any “leaders” as we have them today; certainly not any politicians. And the Utopia would definitely NOT be a democracy. Moreover there wouldn’t be very many enforceable laws and very few conflicts that require third party intervention.
People are only able to live this way by virtue of CJ’s teachings, and people would worship him. People would pray to CJ and they would seek out his guidance (and their prayers would be answered in 30 minutes or less, guaranteed), but CJ would not enact or enforce any laws.
Q:
How do we get to a high-tech society with no pollution?
A:
The real key here is that the ancient kingdoms of world (especially in Africa and the Americas) would not have been overthrown or colonized. There would have been no Caesar Augustus, no Alexander the Great, no Conquistadors, no dark ages, and no British Museum.
So all that shit that alien visitors taught the Mayans and the Egyptians, all those “secrets of the pyramids”, would never have been lost to history. They would have been built upon and advanced.
Generations of people would live and die without fear, thereby allowing their progeny to know with absolute certainty that what they leave behind on this planet is far more valuable than the pursuit of their own happiness.
That and hemp, almost everything would be made of hemp.
Q:
Where do people live tho? I don't think you can make a whole house out of hemp.
A:
OK, that's fair. But there could be any number of different architectural techniques in the utopia, it really would depend on where you live and what’s available. Like, you could live in an underground burrow or in a hollow tree like Winnie the Pooh. Or if you’re real patient you could plant a bunch of trees in the shape of a house and just let them grow around you and your loved ones for generations to come. Lots of options.
Q:
Was CJ there when the Bible was written? Is the story of the Bible very different in this world?
A:
The OT would have already been written, which is why there’d be such a thing as “religious conservatives.”
For the New Testament, he would have been there, but he wouldn’t write it himself. He would have had a diverse story group recruited from all over the world. They would write the story of CJ as a group and CJ himself would have final cut privileges.
The CJ Story Group would also want to take a stab at re-writing a lot of the OT, especially the overtly sexist parts. This would be fun cause flipping the messages of the Bible would have a butterfly-effect on the whole history of western literature. We could rewrite all sorts of myths and fairy tales. We'll probably just make 'em all Star Wars, tho.
Q:
What else would be different about the Matriarchy?
A:
A lot of things would be different!
In fact, "matriarchy" isn’t really the right word for this place, at least not in the political sense. It would be egalitarian in most every way, so we’re not saying women would be “in-charge” (as opposed to men being in charge), but the culture would be decidedly “feminine” by our standards.
For instance, there would not be a “justice system.” Because the idea that there is some equity for victims to reclaim through the suffering of their attackers is conceived entirely out of people's own sense of insecurity. Our purportedly natural desire to exact “justice” on others is truly only a desire to satiate our own fear and self-doubt, and moreover, satiate our most aggressive (masculine) impulses. These deep-seated fears and anxieties that dictate the better part of our culture today simply would not exist in CJ's world.
At the same time, we can’t deny that emotions and impulses are human and natural, whether we coin them as masculine, feminine, or anything else. This is still a story about the human condition, so aggression, competitiveness, and even violence have to have a place in this world. So while there would be no armies and no wars, there could still be NFL football.
Q:
Would there be “toxic femininity”?
A:
No. But that’s definitely another thing the Bible-cultists would talk about a lot. Since the cultists would be Old Testament literalists, they could just have pretty much the same ideology as today’s real-life MAGA bible-thumpers. But it’ll be funny cause they’re just discovering these concepts in the Bible that nobody else even acknowledges anymore. They could be the only people who eat meat, for example, while everyone else is literally friends with animals. They’ll hate "immigrants" and “foreigners” even though there aren’t any nations or borders. Most of all, they’ll be proudly misogynistic, even though nobody else even uses the words “male” or “female” anymore. They’ll be offended by almost everything about this world, but the things they really hate most of all are CJ’s swaying flaccid hog and his big ole d-cup titties.
A QUICK CJ VIGNETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CJ is born 7bs 3oz. and 19” long. But despite his size he was not, in any sense of the word, an infant.
He could stand, walk, and talk within his first day in Joseph’s care.
By the eighth day he had begun to grow a beard.
Within a fortnight he could reliably convey his thoughts in full sentences.
At first, those thoughts ranged from esoteric to indecipherable, because he had as large a vocabulary as any other 14-day-old baby.
But CJ was a good baby. He slept all night, and learned to feed and change himself as soon as he had the dexterity. That low-level capability made life infinitely easier for he and Joseph over the first two and a half years or so. But when CJ began to test his boundaries, as all children are wont to do, that capability made life infinitely more difficult.
After his third birthday, CJ spent three weeks living in a large cedar tree.
One day, when a storm was coming in, Joseph begged CJ to come back in the house. CJ replied that he had to protect the animals in the tree from the storm, and he would only come back if he could bring all the animals in with him. Joseph agreed so CJ climbed down from the tree followed by 4 squirrels, 3 thrushes, 2 porcupines, and a jungle cat. CJ marched across the field and the animals formed a line behind him, single file, and followed him right through the door. The animals stayed in the house and did CJ's bidding until the following spring, 7 months later.
At age four, CJs favorite sport was creeping into the fields and leading one just one sheep away from the flock. He had built a tiny saddle to fit the size of a sheep and a three-and-a-half foot man.
He'd mount the sheep and ride it for as long as he could, while Joseph counted the seconds out loud. Most times the sheep would tire of running after about 5-10 minutes, at which point CJ’d just shout out her time and head back to the flock and pluck off another mount.
He would continue this little game for several hours on end, weather permitting.
Over time a group of local shepherds and their children began to gather on the hillside to watch him play. CJ loved the attention so he'd proudly announce each sheep's time and run up to the hill for a round of high-fives anytime a ewe broke her own personal record.
Centuries later, in the Utopia, rodeos and state fairs are all gonna become central to community life. The State Fair could be like a hotbed for progressive politics and philosophical dialogue in general, and of course they'd be run by feminists and communists and organic farmers.. But the best part is the bible-thumpers fuckin' HAAATTTTE Mutton Bustin'.
CJ's DREAM JOURNAL!!!!!
Dream #1:
Jesus has a dream where he’s on a boat all by himself in the middle of the ocean. Just floating.
Its real quiet, no land in sight, no clouds in the sky, and no wind.
He looks behind him and there’s a giant tiger in the back of the boat.
He screams and wakes up.
Dream #2:
Jesus has a dream where he’s a cow. Just eating grass all day long. He walks slowly through the pasture. The sun feels warm on his back.
In the afternoon he takes a nap under a tree. After the nap he walks back into the sun. He moos at another cow, then eats some more grass.
Later in the day he comes back to the tree and looks at a little flower growing out of the trunk.
He’d never noticed it before. He leans his head in to looks at it closely.
Then a tiger jumps out of the tree and he wakes up.
Dream #3:
Jesus has another dream where he’s on a boat all by himself in the middle of the ocean. He immediately checks for tigers. All clear.
The boat is empty except for the ropes and rigging.
He sees a little island in the distance and turns the sail around to the starboard side to head towards it. He’s picking up speed, but when he looks up the island looks like it’s off the starboard side again, so he turns the sail again. But the island is still off to the side. A few more turns and he still can’t line it up. He checks the sails and the hoists. Then he sees a line that got wrapped around the mast in all the turning. So he picks up the line and passes it around the mast four times to uncoil it.
As soon as it’s all straightened out it starts raining. Pouring rain, he can’t see shit, the island is gone. Now he’s real upset, starts praying for a tiger to come eat him.
Then a giant seahorse comes up out of the water. CJ’s like "What the fuck, for real."
The Seahorse is holding a wine glass in one fin and a cigarette in the other. He takes a big sip of the wine, finishes the glass and places it on the deck of CJ's boat. Seahorse looks around, seems a bit lost. He says “Hey pal ya gotta light?”
CJ’s like “What?”
Seahorse says “A match? A light... Ah you don’t smoke. Just check that Emergency Kit in the bow,” the seahorse points down with his other fin “should be a flare gun in there or something.”
CJ looks down, he didn’t remember there being a kit in the bow, but there it is. He opens it up and a blinding light comes pouring out.
CJ struggles to open his eyes, it’s like looking straight into the sun. Vaguely, through his eyelids he sees the silhouette of the flare gun. He pulls it out and closes the lid of the kit as fast as he can. “Um, here ya go, friend...” CJ says as he hands the gun to the seahorse, “...and thank you, I think.”
Seahorse says “Yea, no sweat, you can keep it. Got all kindsa good shit in there.”
Seahorse fires the flare and it explodes high overhead in a huge shower of golden sparks.
Seahorse continues - “Sorry to bother you on your cruise, pal. I can’t ever keep a pack of matches dry down there.”
CJ looks confused, he says “How did you keep the cigarette dry?”
The seahorse takes a drag, looks at the cigarette, exhales the smoke and says “Ya know, I never thought of it that way. Huh.” He pauses and drags it again. “Wow. Man, this is gonna be huge. Listen, you've been a big help, kid, but I gotta split. Anything else I can do for you?”
CJ says “Well, I could use some food, and if you could help me get to that island out there it’d be tight.”
Seahorse yells excitedly, “Ah HA! Now, food we can do.”
Seahorse reaches down into the water and pulls out a fish. “Sushi?” He asks as he displays the fish to CJ.
CJ nods, he’s cautiously optimistic.
Seahorse puts the fish on the deck next to the wine glass and carves off a filet with the edge of his giant fin and hands it to CJ.
“Thanks.” CJ says warily.
Then the seahorse waves his big, spread-out fin over the wounded fish. When he moves the fin away there are two tiny fishes where the one near-dead one had been. Seahorse drops the baby fish into the water and they swim away.
“Woah.” CJ is amazed.
The seahorse drags his smoke again and coughs out a laugh, “Heh! They better watch out for that tiger, right buddy?” The seahorse elbows CJ with a curled fin and chuckles at his own joke. CJ forces out a nervous laugh as well.
Seahorse sits down on the edge of the boat to eat the sashimi with CJ. He reaches into the water again and pulls out a wine bottle. He goes to pour into his glass but nothing comes out. “Damn. Hey, go back in the kit for me and grab another bottle, we’re all out.” CJ reaches for the kit and opens it, very slowly this time - trying to avoid being blinded again.
“Go ahead, nothing to be scared of.” Seahorse says “They won’t mind. I’m here, so it’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.”
CJ is not reassured. He looks at Seahorse skeptically. Seahorse waves his fin at CJ imploring him to go on. CJ opens the kit and right away he can make out the silhouette of a bottle and a cup, he pulls them both out quickly and slams the box closed. Seahorse opens the bottle and pours them each a glass. They eat and drink and it might be the first time that Seashorse had stopped talking since he showed up.
For a moment there was no sound at all and they could hear every raindrop plink off the ocean’s flat surface.
The silence is broken by a bang and another flare whistling up into the sky.
CJ looks up and Seahorse is tucking a cigarette box under his fin. He stops, pulls the box back out and points it at CJ. “Oh right, you don’t smoke, sorry, bud.” Then he tucks the box away and stands up on his tail. “OK, kid. The sushi’s on me. And I can help you get to the island. But you gotta come back down here with me first. We gotta tell the guys about your idea.”
............................................................................
After that I'm thinkin they probably get sidetracked on their way back to wherever Seahorse was tryna go. They’ll have to do some other weird shit underwater, and I might not have CJ find out what “his idea” actually is for a long time if ever. Maybe he’ll wake up and have to revisit this dream a few times to get the island.
Eventually he finds out that the island isn’t actually an island, it’s the head of a giant snake (which is why it was moving at the start of the dream). The snake, as he’ll eventually learn, is coiled up deep under the ocean and the coils actually are the core of the earth, and all the water and land is piled up on top of it.
LETS GOOO!!!!!
"But, Seahorse, how do you smoke underwater?"
"It's sea weed, baby!"
DREAM #4:
CJ has a dream where he's walking down the street and comes upon this huge old house. Outside the front door of the house is a 3-foot-tall metal statue of the Buddha. The statue looks very old, maybe older than the house, but it's golden head still shines brightly in the daylight.
When CJ stops to look at the statue it looks up at him and waves it's hand toward the door, silently asking CJ to enter to house.
CJ follows Lil' Buddha into the house and they walk up the stairs.
At the top of the stairs is a long hallway with several evenly spaced doors on each side. Lil' Buddha steps to the right of the first door and motions toward it with his glimmering hand.
CJ opens the door and finds, somehow, that there are hundreds of people inside.
CJ stands on his tip toes to peer over the crowd and he can see a body wrapped in a sheet on a table in the middle of the room.
CJ looks down at Lil' Buddha and asks "Is this a funeral? What is this place?"
Lil' Buddha is silent, he stares back at CJ emotionlessly and gently closes the door.
Lil' Buddha proceeds down the hall to the next door and waves for CJ to follow.
He opens the second door and finds pallbearers lifting a casket. The third door has another entirely different, yet unmistakable, funeral procession.
They go door after door, watching death after death from around the world, until they are back again at the top of the stairs.
The sounds of wailing tears and slow mournful songs now fill the house. Thousands of feet stomp the wood floors and thousands of fists pound the drywall. The crescendoing, cathartic chorus only lasts a moment until Lil' Buddha closes the final doors; then the house falls silent again.
CJ has seen enough.
His heart aches for these people, but he knows he can't help them. He wonders if any of them even knew he was there.
CJ looks down at Lil' Buddha and asks "Please, may I go home now?"
Lil' Buddha once again silently nods and waives his hand toward the front door of the mansion, allowing CJ his leave.
CJ walks down the stairs and toward the front door.
He opens the door, and only then realizes that Lil' Buddha is still standing at the top of the stairs. CJ looks up at Lil' Buddha and asks "Will you come with me?"
Lil' Buddha says:
"No. But I'll see you again soon."
Then CJ wakes up.
DREAM #5:
CJ has another dream where he's back in the middle of the ocean with the giant seahorse.
Now he's underwater, nestled inside a giant conch shell which is gently descending toward the ocean floor.
By the time CJ realizes where he is, Seahorse is already midway through a lengthy anecdote that involves several people with 4+ syllable names. CJ tries to follow the story, but he couldn't have repeated the names if he tried as they evaporate from his memory.
"... so obviously Útgarðaloki kicked our asses outta Jötunheimr. Me, Þjálfi, and Röskva haven't been back since. And to this day I still can't figure out how he got Jörmungandr into the castle in the first place. But, shit. Fuck it, right? We're still here aint we?"
Seahorse curls the end of his fin into a fist and extends it toward CJ.
CJ hesitantly gives Seahorse a pound.
Seahorse punches CJ's fist then whistles loudly as he 'explodes' the fist and flutters his fin down toward CJ's face.
"Gotta blow it up, bro."
CJ laughs, "Yea, arright", he says.
"Ya know what we need, kid?"
"What?"
"A HANDSHAKE!! Ya' know? We gotta be like pow-pow-pow-pow just like Jose Reyes used to do! It'll be SO COOL!! Then we'll be - Dogs. For. Life. ROUFF ROUFF ROUFF!!!!"
CJ notices the empty bottle in Seahorse's other fin and he's pretty sure Seahorse drank the whole thing while he was asleep in the conch shell.
"Yea, dog, no doubt", CJ says, "But I think I fell asleep. Where are we? What happened to my boat?"
"Forget the boat! You're travellin' in STYLE now, kid."
"In a shell?"
"FUCK YEA, IN A SHELL!! How have you never ridden in a shell before? Kids these days. Sheesh. If you want a boat so bad just ask the box. You can get a way better one outta there anyway."
"No, no, no! It's great!" CJ instists, "It's actually really comfortable, I mean, I fell right asleep in here."
Seahorse interjects sternly - "Of course these shells are comfortable! See how we made em look like vaginas!!! But don't get too comfy now, we're almost there. You can take it for a spin later if ya want."
CJ peers over the edge of his shell and he still can't see the seafloor. It looks like there's still a long way to go, but Seahorse seems to be getting increasingly anxious. CJ tries to make conversation to keep them occupied -
"So, how far away you think the island is anyway. Looked far."
"What island?"
"The island. You know. There was only one island in this sea. You said you could get me there remember?"
Seahorse spits out a laugh -
"OH!!! Hohohohohoooo, buddy!! Ah, man. Sorry, kid, guess you were really conked out there. You didn't hear any of those fuckin' stories I just told you?"
CJ shakes his head, "No."
"Arright, kid. Gimme that lighter again."
CJ reaches down past his feet, into the coils of the conch shell and finds the emergency kit from the boat. He opens it up and beams of light erupt from inside. The ocean water refracts the light which becomes a kaleidoscopic spectrum of color. CJ takes a moment to glance around at the spectacle. Bioluminescent creatures approach from the shadows.
"Heh. Yea, it is cool isn't it?" Seahorse remarks, as even he was momentarily taken aback.
A moment later CJ catches himself nearly slipping out of his shell. He comes to his senses and looks down at the open kit. There the silhouette of the flare gun immediately appears. CJ grabs the gun, closes the case, and hands it over to Seahorse.
"You sure that thing's gonna work under water?"
"It'll work if you want it to, it's your box."
"OK, go ahead, shoot it."
Seahorse fires the gun and quickly swims out of his shell to chase the trail of sparks. He catches a burning ember out of the water, then swims back. Seahorse sits back in his shell. He shakes his body briskly as his tail curls inside the spiral shell. Then, finally, he opens his fin and shows CJ the ember - still burning.
"FUCKIN AWESOME, RIGHT?! Now we can have Hannukah down here! HA!!!"
Seahorse lights his cigarette from the flame in his palm, and smiles proudly as he pulls a drag, "fuck yea", he whispers to himself. “What were we talkin about?”
“The island.”
“What island?" Seahorse pauses - They are now on the seafloor standing before an enormous coral reef.
"Oh, right. The Island. Yea, it's pretty far. It'll take the better part of a day in the shells. So that's why we're here - this is my place. Had to grab my fishing poles before we head that way anyway, so we can just hang out here tonight. Have some drinks - nice dinner - and we can shove off in the morning.”
Seahorse welcomes CJ into his home - they swim through the crop of coral which are, in fact, the gates of Seahorse's hidden palace. Inside, the palace is luxurious and ornately decorated with gold and crystal. CJ is in awe.
Seahorse says - "I told em I wanted it to look just like Trump Tower. Not bad right?"
Seahorse's cooks prepare an incredible feast - clams, oysters, eel, snapper, octopus - full spread.
"Its like Italian Christmas everyday down here I fuckin love it!" Seahorse chuckles as he devoured the plates.
CJ and the seahorse drink and eat and laugh for hours. Seahorse regales CJ with incredible and dubious tales but CJ enjoys them all the same. They even make up a handshake for themselves.
At the end of the night Seahorse offers CJ a bed in one of the palace's many guest rooms. CJ declines.
The palace is incredible, but now that he's got a few drinks in him, CJ just can't wait to curl back up in that sexy, sexy conch shell.
....................................................
Dream #6:
When he woke he had no idea how long he'd been out - he barely remembered crawling into the shell the night before, and it was hard to tell if the sun was up yet from down there on the ocean floor.
CJ wandered back into Seahorse's castle and the lights were all still out. No one else was awake yet. So he got himself a bowl of cereal and took a seat on the sofa. This was CJ's absolute favorite way to start the day. He always loved that serene early morning quiet before everyone comes back to life for the day. Even at the bottom of the ocean the world is especially quiet just before dawn.
Between spoonfuls of cereal, CJ reached for a magazine on the coffee table. As he reached his elbow grazed a pair of small earthenware jars that spill onto the floor. One jar landed at CJ's feet and pops open revealing Seahorse's seaweed stash. CJ looks at the magazine - "Fantasy Football 2021 Preview" - and says to himself, "Not really tryina read this anyway." Then he layed the magazine on his lap, broke up some of seaweed on it, rolled a joint, and started a game of Mario Kart.
He was so relaxed there on the couch that he barely noticed the snake that had slithered across the floor toward him, and began twisting itself around CJ's ankle.
CJ was trying to hang on to 1st place in his fourth straight race that morning, his eyes were locked on the screen, so he continued to ignore the snake as it coiled around his leg and began traveling up towards his spine. When the snake reached CJ's shoulder blade he paused the game, took a long pull off his seaweed joint and blew the smoke in the snake's face. The snake stoped for a moment, reared its head and hissed as CJ nonchalantly turned away and unpaused the game.
The snake extended itself toward CJ's ear and whispered to him: "You're not afraid of me?"
CJ replied, "Nope. You're not the only talking animal here, ya know?"
The snake hissed contentedly. "Very good. You'll do." Then it climbed down the back of the couch and slithered out of sight.
A couple hours later Seahorse came stumbling down the stairs, still half blind from yesterday's wine.
"Did you make coffee yet?" he asks CJ.
"I don't drink coffee, just got myself some cereal and a little glass of juice." CJ replied.
"HAHAHA!!!" Seahorse busted out laughing "Cereal and juice?! What are you 5 years old? That's not a breakfast!! At least get the cook to make you a belgian waffle to go with that Best Western Continental spread you got there." Seahorse headed toward the kitchen still laughing to himself. "Check out's at 10am, junior, HA!!!"
After a few minutes CJ could smell the bacon and coffee wafting out of the kitchen. Seahorse would be back soon. So he finished his race and started rolling another joint to smoke with Seahorse. The snake slithered by again and hissed aggressively at CJ. He shooed the snake away with his foot and finished rolling.
Just then Seahorse busted throw the kitchen door with a platter of food in one hand and a pot of coffee in the other.
"You didn't need to do all that, I already ate." CJ said bashfully.
"I didn't. This is for me." Seahorse said, as he put the platter and pot on the table and takes a seat next to CJ. "But let's light that bad boy up first!"
They smoke, then Seahorse eats as CJ goes back to the game.
CJ said, "I saw a snake in here before."
"A SNAKE?!?!" Seahorse coughed and nearly choked. Smoke and coffee sprayed from his mouth. "You didn't kill it did you?"
"Of course not," CJ say, "my dad always told me not to kill a snake in the house. You gotta tell it to leave three times first - just in case it's actually a genie disguise."
"You're dad's a smart guy." Seahorse was already scrambling around on the floor peering under the couches and opening all the cabinets and drawers. "We gotta find that bitch. NOW!!"
"Wait. You have a GENIE?!?" CJ said, "What do you need a genie for? We got the box, we can do anything we want!"
"Almost anything... and, no, I don't have a genie. She's still a snake, for now. That's why we gotta get her back in the jar pronto."
"Last time I saw it - I mean her - she went that way. I'll check the other room."
CJ walked down the hall as Seahorse rifled through the couch cushions.
In the dining room CJ got down on his hands and knees and crawled under the table. Right away he saw the snake slithering toward him - passing back and forth between the legs of the table and chairs. CJ reached his hand out to the snake and she wrapped herself around his wrist.
CJ marched back into the living room triumphantly holding the snake up over his head. "Hey, Seahorse, I found her!! She was under the table. Came right to me as soon as I went in there, I think she likes me."
"You think she likes you?? Lemme tell you something about genies - they don't like NOBODY! Don't ever trust a ge--"
Seahorse was interrupted by a loud explosion and a huge cloud of smoke between he and CJ. As the smoke began to clear they could see the snake had transformed into a giant chimerical creature.
In genie form, the upper half of her serpentine body had grown to the size and shape of a human woman. She had also grown arms, golden eagle wings, and the head of a cat with a dreaded ponytail of human hair cascading down her back.
"AH SHIT!!!" Seahorse yelled.
"Yea that's right 'oh shit'!!" Genie said to Seahorse "Your friend let me out, so I got a new master now!! Fuck you, Seahorse!!! Can't tell me shit now, motherfucker!!"
Seahorse turns to CJ, fuming. "DAMN IT!!! You touched her three times didn't you? Fuck, man!!! Do you have any idea how long it took me to catch a genie?"
"No clue."
"Years!! See, everytime I see a snake I kick it two times then catch it in a jar. After a week or two I'll peek inside the jar. If the snake is dead, then it was just a snake. If it's still alive then it's probably a genie. This was like the 70th snake!!"
"That's kinda fucked up, to be honest."
"Look, it's important, though. I need those wishes. I've been commissioner of my fantasy league for ten years and I haven't won a 'chip yet! The whole league is getting together this year for the draft, I was gonna bring Lil'Genie with me and wish for a 'chip right there in front of everybody. They woulda fuckin lost it, dude!"
"You call her 'Lil'Genie'?"
"Yea that's her name. She told me."
CJ shakes his head in disbelief. "Whatever. Why don't I just wish for the 'ship for you? Then I can use the second wish to go back home, and the third to set the genie free or whatever."
"But I was tryin'a get 3 though! Can you wish for a three-peat?"
"I'll give it a shot."
CJ turns to the genie "Genie, I'd like to make a wish."
"Yes, Master, your wish is my command."
"I wish for Seahorse to win a three-peat in his fantasy football league."
Lil'Genie slithers closer to CJ and curls her tail around his arm.
"Oh, Master, you're too generous. But please don't waste your wishes on this asshole. Seahorse cares for no one but himself. What has he done for you to deserve such a gift?"
CJ thinks for a moment.
"Well, he fed me when I was starving, gave me a magic box and a conch shell, he shared his wine and seaweed with me... He's been pretty great actually!"
"Hmmf." Lil'Genie pouts. "Well, fuck that. No."
"No?!?" Seahorse and CJ shout.
"No. I can't grant that wish. First of all, I'm not granting shit for Mr. Ed over here. Also even if I wanted to, I can't. A "three-peat" is three things. That's three wishes, not one."
"Alright, hang on, lemme talk to him." CJ puts a hand on Seahorse's shoulder and walks him into the other room.
CJ leans in to talk to Seahorse without being overheard. "It's not gonna work. She really doesn't like you."
"I don't give a fuck what she likes, that's MY FUCKIN GENIE!!!"
"Shhh. Keep it down, man. I wanna help you here, but we gotta work together. Let's think. There's gotta be another way to wish for a fantasy 'ship."
They stand in silence for a moment.
Finally, Seahorse gets an idea.
"Ok, ok, ok, ok, I got it. Why don't you and Lil'Genie join the league and then we can just collude on trades and shit, ya know? Cheat the old fashioned way!! I'm the commissioner we can totally pull it off!!"
CJ looks at Seahorse dubiously.
"I don't know man, I'm in three leagues already."
"Oh c'mon! You're gonna love it, this league is the BEST!! It's me, Raven, Coyote, Solomon, the Monkey King, Maui, Hermes, Indra, and Hermes' two idiot friends Apollo and Artemis. We wanted to find two more to make it a twelve team league next year anyway. It'll be perfect."
"You know Lil'Genie won't do it. She hates your guts."
"So you ask her. She likes you. Just bring it up kinda casually, and tell her it's your league. Don't mention me. She's gonna have to hang out with you until you make all your wishes anyway, so just don't wish for anything yet. Just, ya know, hang out with her until the draft next week. Then if she doesn't get on board, we can use the wishes for draft picks and waiver moves and shit."
"You just want me to" CJ air-quotes with his fingers, "'hang out' with her?"
Seahorse winks and slaps CJ on the back.
"Man, I'm tellin' you. If you liked sleeping in a conch shell, your gonna LOVE sleeping with a snake-genie."
DREAM #7:
CJ and Lil'Genie sat down at the table together and discussed Seahorse's plan.
The two of them would join Seahorse's fantasy football league and collude with him on trades and waivers, so he could finally win a chip. Neither of them were too enthusiastic though:
CJ loathed the idea of cheating at fantasy, but he felt like he owed it to Seahorse for saving his life; Lil'Genie had no interest in helping Seahorse, but she was compelled to go along with whatever CJ wanted to do.
"OK, Seahorse, we're in." CJ announced. "So when's the draft?"
"Today." said Seahorse. "So we gotta hit the road soon or we're gonna be late."
Seahorse packed up a couple bags, and CJ grabbed his magic box and Lil'Genie's jar - his only possessions. Then the three of them went down to the garage and hopped into their conch shells.
"Ooooooh!" Seahorse moaned quietly as he slid into the coils of the shell "Fuckin love that, gets me everytime."
Seahorse lead them down a path leading away from the house. They came to a clearing and he pointed to a large reef in the distance. "We just have to cut through that reef right there. There's a current on the other side that'll carry us the rest of the way. Easy peasy."
Seahorse continued sailing toward the reef, CJ and Lil'Genie followed close behind. The reef seemed to grow larger and denser as they approached. Hundreds of different species of coral mingled together, flowering in hundreds of colors. The sight mesmerized CJ and Seahorse as their shells glided effortlessly toward it. As they got closer CJ could swear he heard sounds coming from the coral. Faintly at first but then growing louder and clearer, they heard voices coming from within the reef. Human voices... singing... Seahorse had fallen silent as soon as they heard it. Now his eyes were transfixed on the reef, staring straight ahead as his shell continued to glide toward the voices.
Just then Lil'Genie grabbed CJ by the arm, shaking him out of the transe.
"I know that sound! We gotta get outta here!! That's not a fucking reef - it's a mermaid nest. And they will fucking kill us if they catch us here!!!"
CJ stopped the shell. "What? Mermaids? I always wanted to see a mermaid. They're supposed to be beautiful."
"Well, yea, no shit they're beautiful they can read your mind and take whatever form you wanna see."
"Like in Ghostbusters?"
"Exactly. Usually they're a lotta fun but they get pretty territorial down here so let's try to go around the other way."
"But what about Seahorse?! He has no idea! He's headed straight into the reef!"
But it was already too late. Three mermaids that looked like the baddest porn stars from the early 2000's had already surrounded Seahorse.
He seemed to be chatting them up a bit, offering the mermaids wine and cigarettes. They circled around him flirtatiously and lured him toward a shadowy, dark crevasse beneath the coral.
CJ turned back to Lil'Genie. "We gotta do something! I'm going in there."
"No, master, don't!! Fuck seahorse he fucking deserves this."
"Maybe he does. But he's still my friend so I can't let him die." CJ took off and sped toward the entrance to the cave.
From the corner of his eye CJ saw three more mermaids approach. "Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts." he whispered to himself.
He turned his head to glance back and saw the mermaids morph into White House Press Secretaries Kayleigh McEnany, Jen Psaki, and Karine Jean-Pierre.
"DAMN! Still kinda sexy!"
"Just drive, master! Don't look!!"
Lil'Genie struggled to fight off the Press Secretaries as they tried to get ahold of the conch shell. CJ pushed the shell as fast as it could go. Just as they came up to the entrance of the cave a giant conch shell came tumbling out. It was Seahorse's shell, splattered with blood.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" CJ cried. "SEAHORSE!!!!!!!!"
The first three mermaids, still in the form of Aria Giovanni, Erica Campbell, and Anetta Keyes, slowly slithered out of the cave hissing, licking red blood off their lips.
CJ and Lil'Genie frantically looked around to find an escape.
"Master, there!"
Lil'Genie pointed to a pod of whales approaching them on their left.
CJ raced toward the biggest whale, urging the shell to go faster. All six mermaids took chase. The mermaids were incredibly fast, closing in, no matter how fast CJ drove.CJ and Lil'Genie reached up and grabbed the tail of the giant mother whale, just as the mermaids had gotten their hands on the shell. The whale swam upward causing CJ's legs and Lil'Genie's tail to pop out of the shell. The shell descended back to the seafloor along with the savage mermaids, and CJ and Lil'Genie rode the whale up to the surface, to safety.
As they rode the ocean became quiet again. Curious fish swam in and out of their wake.
CJ saw a huge bioluminescent cuttlefish just like the one he and seahorse had seen the day before. Tears began to well up.
CJ turned to Lil'Genie with a steely, determined look in his eyes.
"You know what we have to do now, right?"
Lil'Genie looked back, confusedly.
"What?"
"Seahorse had a dream. And we are not gonna let that dream die with him. We're gonna join Seahorse's fantasy league. And we're gonna win it."
...................................
APOLLO & ARTEMIS GET KICKED OUT OF WAFFLE HOUSE
CHAPTER I: Apollo & Artemis Get Kicked Out of Olympus
What's up, everybody! I'm Atlantiades, but my friends just call me A-T-L.
I'm from Mount Olympus, as you can see, but I spend most of my time on Earth these days 'causeII control all the cupids. So anytime you got a boner or your pussy got wet, that was me.
You're welcome.
I also had a stint in the Wonder Woman comics, back in 2019. Volume five, number sixty-nine through eighty-one? No? Oh, well that's OK.
But enough about me, I got a story to tell you guys. It's about my best friend Artemis and her dumb-ass brother, and how they fucked everything up for everybody. They're gonna be pissed when they find out I told you guys all this - but it's just too fuckin’ funny. Plus they're in jail right now anyway - Fuckin' HUMAN jail, on EARTH! I'm tellin you guys - They fucked up Carson Wentz style - unmitigated disaster.
It all started about 1,600 years ago - which was the year 300-and-something by your calendar.
My granddad Zeus had arranged a huge party on Mount Olympus for his 4,000th birthday. He invited everybody. All the other Gods, even his dad Uranus who he hadn't talked to in like forever.
He made a super big deal about it, even got the planets to align just right so great-grandpa could come down and wouldn’t complain about the schlepp (spoiler alert - he complained about the schlepp).
My dad, Mercury, had to haul thousands of barrels of Zeus’ favorite Sicilian wine up there. Z kept sending him back for more until there were no grapes left on the whole island. My mom, Venus, called me a couple days before and she's all like "Hey why don't I give you a ride up to Olympus?"
And I'm like "Nah, mom, I'm gonna fly. I can fly. Remember?"
She fuckin knew that shit, buy she tries to play dumb like "Oh, yea, right. Hey why don't you send a cupid to pick me up to and we can fly together?!" She’s always trying to get the cupids to fly her places. Then she always asks them why I don't have a “boyfriend” yet. Ugh. So annoying. I had to make something up about how I had some errands to do that day, so I might be late, and I know you gotta get there early to help dad and granddad setup... yadda yadda yadda.
But then when I got there the night before I knew I had to be careful to avoid her. It was a new moon that night so Artemis was at home. I told Cupid to wait outside til I called her, so Artie wouldn't think I was tryin to fuck her (which I kinda was). I snuck in the back door, real quiet, Grandad didn't even hear me come in, and I went straight up the stairs to Artemis' room. Her and Apollo were up there smoking blunts and playing Mario Kart.
"Yo! What's up, you guys?!"
Apollo and Artemis look up from the game. "A-T-L IN THE BUILDING!!!" Apollo exclaims. "Come'ere, hit this, dog!!" He pointed a lit blunt in my direction.
"Don't mind if I do!!!" I took the blunt and hit it as I sat between them on the couch.
Apollo looks me up and down, "Nice outfit, A-T, hehe." I don't wear clothes, of course, but he always thinks that shit is funny. He's so stupid, ugh.
"You guys just been up here playing games all night?" I asked.
"Yea, well Apollo's gotta get up early tomorrow for sunrise, so we were just gonna stay in tonight. You can hang if you want, A-T-L" Artemis had a suggestive lilt to her voice.
"Oh yea?" I said, placing a hand on her thigh.
She winks at me and twirls my hair around her finger. "Yea. Apollo was just leaving. Weren't you, Ape?"
"Yea, yea, one more game tho." Apollo's eyes are fixated on the screen, he doesn't notice our flirting.
They started up another race, and I rolled myself another blunt.
Just then the door flies open. We hear "SUP, LOSERS?!? YOU GUYS TRYINA PARTY OR WHAT???"
It's Dionysus.
"YOOOO, HOT'LANTA!!! Oh shit! I didn't know you were coming!! Now it's a fuckin PARTY!!!"
"What up, D?" I said cooly. I love D. That's my road dog from way back, but I just knew he was gonna cock-block me and Artie.
Dionysus walked in followed by Medusa and her sisters Stheno and Euryale.
The Gorgon sisters were looking HOT that night. Wearing their sexiest little dresses, fresh pedicures, and their snakes were all curled up. They did NOT come here to smoke blunts and play Mario Kart.
"What the fuck is this, D? This place smells like my dad's car. You said this was a the party?"
"Yea, I know, baby, chill. We're goin, we're goin." Dionysus lit a cigarette and handed it to Euryale. "Just gimme a minute a'ight?"
Dionysus leaned over the back of the couch and whispered to us. "You guys gotta help me out. I told these chicks we could pre-game on Earth before Z's party but there's no fucking wine left down there. You guys got any drinks in the fridge?"
"I know, my dad brought all the grapes up here for Grandpa Z. I could send Cupid down to get some blow or something."
"Oh Cupid’s here too?! Niiiice!!! But don't tell Medusa tho, I don't want her to think I'm trying to fuck her."
"But you are trying to fuck her." I said, raising my voice so the Gorgons would hear.
"Shhhhhh!!!! Damn, keep it down!"
"Hehehehe. I got you, D." I said, nudging him with my elbow. I had an idea where this could work out for both of us.
I turned to Artemis. "Artie, you know where your dad keeps the wine, right?"
Apollo interrupts before she can answer. "Aw c'mon, you guys. I gotta get up early tomorrow."
I know Apollo doesn't like going out at night but he’s a push-over. He never says no to me. I put a hand on his shoulder and say, gently: "You don't have to drink if you don't want to, Ape. Just play us some music for us for like an hour. Please?"
"Ugh, fine, but this is the last time, A-T." Apollo puts down the controller and turns off the TV. "I'll go get my guitar."
Apollo goes to get his shit and Atrie goes to her room to get dressed. I went to holler at the Gorgons, who were taking turns smoking Dionysus' cigarette. "Long time no see, ladies."
"'Sup, Atlantiades. Nice dress." Medusa says, looking straight through me. The Gorgons are still mad at me it seems. It's a long story.
"Ha. Good one." I'm trying to be nice 'cause D's my boy. "How's Solomon?"
"Fine. We'll tell him you said hi."
"Please do." Oof. The Gorgon's were not feelin me. I'm definitely gonna have to bring Cupid with us down to the wine cellar.
Thankfully Artie and Ape came back out just then and we all headed down stairs. Artie led us through the labyrinth beneath the palace, and into Zeus' secret wine cellar.
It was incredible. Literally all the wine in Sicily was bottled and ready for the party. I think I saw D cry a little bit when he saw all those bottles.
We each grabbed a bottle and popped em open.
It was DELICIOUS!!! Went down so smooth. We told Apollo he had to try it.
Next thing you know Ape is pulling out a folding table to set up a beirut game. Him and Artie played the first game against D and Medusa.
While they played I snuck back upstairs to grab Cupid. Gonna get this party POPPIN!
When I got back to the cellar Artie and the Gorgons were shotgunning wine bottles. Artie's a maniac. She was gonna drink them under the fuckin table. Apollo and Dionysus were half in the bag too. Ape was rolling a blunt. D was trying to tap a keg. They didn't even notice Cupid, who crept around and hit all five of them it the back while I casually got myself a bottle off the shelf.
Now, Artie happens to be one of the special goddesses who can't be influenced by Cupid (but I know she ain't no virgin!), the love potion usually just gets her a little loose. Cupid hit her with an arrow and she kept on pounding the wine like nothing happened. But the Gorgons' snakes instantly started to unwind as Apollo and Dionysus swaggered over toward them.
"BAM!!!" Artemis smashed her empty bottle on the table. "WOOOOO!!!!!" She howled and started strutting and shaking her fingers like Ric Flair.
Artie was lit. We all knew what was coming next.
Dionysus pointed at Artie with both hands and yelled:
"I'M THE STYLIN‘!! PROFILIN'..."
Artie fired the finger-guns back at D:
"...JET FLYIN'!! CADILLAC DRIVIN'..."
They kept going back and forth -
"...WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'!! KISS STEALIN’!!."
"...LIMOUSINE RIDIN'!!"
“…DIAMOND ROLEX WEARIN' SON OF A GUN!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
Then she stood up on the table and declared it the King of Sandwiches.
We all looked at eachother, kind of confused. Nobody was really sure what that meant but she seemed serious. Her eyes rolled back in her head for a second and she said some sort of magic spell none of us had ever heard before. The cheese and coleslaw started to glow as she took the first bite.
Then she jumped down off the table and ran up to each of us raving about how brilliant it was, and how it was the most delicious, and most beautiful sandwich ever. And she begged us all to try it. (It was kinda gross honestly). The Gorgons really got into it too, tho. Once Artie got around to them they ate the whole thing and pulled Artie over to the buffet and begged her to make more. Then Artie and the three snake sisters ran off to another room clutching their precious sandwiches.
Then Artemis bum rushed D. She put a fuckin perfect form tackle on him like TJ Watt, and they both crashed through the table. There was broken glass and wine everywhere. D and Artie didn't give a fuck, they were rolling around, laughing their asses off. Feelin no pain. Ape climbed the shelves and dropped a flying elbow on both of them.
This was all part of the plan of course. I wanted Artie to blow off some steam down here so I could scoop her up when she was ready to go to bed. Otherwise she’s prone to stay up all night.
At this point the Gorgons were warming up to me so I poured four glasses and set out on a clean barrel. We drank a bit more and made some small talk. Cupid took a bottle down too. She used to live with them back when I was little. It was actually kinda nice catching up with the old crew. But Stheno was starting to nod out, so I sent Cupid back upstairs to get us some munchies. She came back with the whole spread from the party. Cocktail shrimp, fondue fountain, cheeseburger sliders, calamari, prosciutto, chicken fingers, THE WORKS!!! The Nature Boys smelled it coming too and we all WENT IN on that buffet like Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Back in the day, me and Artemis used to get shit-faced together all the time, but I had never seen her this fucked up before.She made this giant sandwich, which was like a fish sandwich, a burger, and a chicken sandwich all stacked on top of each other.
Apollo, Dionysus, and me were like what the fuck, for real. It looked like my chances with Artie were fucked for the night. So the three of us went back to pounding wine.
We took down a few more bottles then Apollo picked up the guitar to show us how he taught himself how to play Hot For Teacher. He was way too drunk, and it sounded like shit, so D and I stumbled off to another room to crash.
We weren't asleep for more than a few hours before we woke up to the sound of the Gorgons puking in the next room. Dionysus rolls over and says "Damn, how much did they drink, I've never seen them puke before."
I never had either. Gods don't get hangovers, ever.
We went to go to their room to see what was going on when Artie came busting out of the door. "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!!!!!"
"Woah!!" I grabbed Artie by the arm, "What the fuck happened?"
"Oh shit, A-T, I fucked up bad!! I think they're pregnant!!!"
"They're WHAT?!?!" D and I yell simultaneously.
"Oh shit oh shit. Zeus is gonna flip. OH SHIT ZEUS!! THE PARTY!!! Where's Apollo???"
Artemis ran back into the cellar to find Apollo and get the place cleaned up. D and I went into the room to check on the ladies.
Yup, they're pregnant alright.
It's the damnedest thing. See, a long time ago King Solomon had used his magic to fix all the demons and nymphs so only he could get 'em pregnant; but somehow that blessing Artie put on "The Sandwich King" undid it and they all got knocked up with sandwich babies. Ain't that about a bitch?!
We heard a lot of noise coming from down the hall:
First it sounded like Apollo had figured out the opening to Hot For Teacher, it sounded good this time too. "Oh shit, D, he got it!" I said, nodding my head. I was just about to go out there when we heard a door slam and the music stopped. D blocked my way out to the hall. "It’s Zeus.” He says, “Apollo forgot the sunrise. Zeus is gonna fuckin lose it when he sees all the wine is gone. They are FUCKED."
"What do we do?"
"Fuckin' NOTHING! We stay right fuckin' here and hide unless you wanna get a lightning bolt up your ass.” D was somehow both whispering and screaming at me at the same time. “We just wait here til Zeus leaves. Then we'll sneak out, fly back down to Earth, and split up so he doesn't come after us."
Just then Medusa slapped D in the back of the head. "Fuck Zeus!! Look at us!!! We can't go home like this."
"She's right," I said, "Solomon'll never believe they got pregnant from a sandwich. He’ll probably blame us. The girls have to stay up here til after the Sandwich Babies are born.”
”And then what, ATLANTIADES?” Medusa got right up in my face “We’re just gonna go home and pretend this never happened? Fuck you! I love that sandwich and we are gonna be a part of our sandwich baby’s life.”
”Yea, the sandwich loves us too!!” The sisters chime in, “We’re gonna be happy together!!!”
Dionysus tried to keep them calm “OK, OK. We’ll figure this out. But first we gotta get out of this cellar.”
Cupid knew the way. “There’s another stairway at the end of this hall. We can get outside from there.”
We tiptoed out into the hall. Grandpa Z’s voice echoed through the whole cellar, he was PISSED.
“THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU TWO FUCK UP MY SHIT!! YOU’RE FUCKING DONE, BOTH OF YOU!!! RA AND THOTH ARE ALREADY HERE, I’M GIVING THEM THE SUN AND MOON BACK!!“
”Oh c’mon, dad, it’s not our fault…” Apollo begged.
“I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT! YOU TWO ARE BANISHED!!! 2,000 YEARS ON EARTH!!! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!!”
”No! Dad, please!!” They both cried.
“GET OUT!!!!“ Thunder boomed from down the hall.
D stopped, looked back at us, and whispered, “Told y’all. Lightning up the ass.”
We crept up the stairs and out the back door. Cupid filled us in on the rest of her plan:
"Once Apollo and Artemis come out we take the last few bottles out of the cellar, head down to Earth, and go straight to King Solomon's castle. We'll have Artemis disguise herself as Medusa and go to Solomon with the wine. She gets Solomon drunk while Cupid flies up behind him and shoots him with a love arrow. Artemis takes Solomon to bed and then, when it's dark, she sneaks out and Medusa sneaks in. In the morning Solomon'll think he got the Gorgons pregnant.”
Medusa wasn't convinced. "But it's a Sandwich Baby, Solomon will know it's not his."
"How will he know?" Asked Cupid. "You ever seen a Sandwich Baby?"
"Well. No."
"Me neither. So I say we cross that bridge when we get to it. For now this is the only way we all get home tonight. Well, except for Artie and Ape, of course, they're fucked. But since they got nowhere else to go, they'll have to go along with us."
It was hard to argue with Cupid's logic. And, actually, her plan went off without a hitch.
The Sandwich Babies came out looking like Darth Maul with tartar sauce for hair. Just the ugliest goddamn babies you ever seen. And Solomon still hasn't figured out why they spend so much time in the kitchen, but I guess they're happy.
But of course Apollo and Artemis' story doesn't end there.
They land on Earth in the 13th Century to find a very different world than the one they knew from ancient times. Cum Jesus' good news had spread throughout the Middle East, Africa, and Southern Europe. It was a happy, peaceful world where free thought, free communication, and free love reigned amongst all of CJ's people.
But Artie and Ape come to learn that in the far off lands to the east and west people still worshiped the old gods - The Sun and The Moon.
COMING SOON ON:
APOLLO & ARTEMIS GET KICKED OUT OF WAFFLE HOUSE!!!
CHAPTER II: THE DARK AGES
Artemis travels east and leads the Mongol hordes on their conquest of the Dynasties of China. Later, Apollo heads west with the Spanish Conquistadors and encounters the people of the sun.
CHAPTER III: 'MERICA
Apollo and Artemis find peace in their new kingdom at a Waffle House in Houston, Texas; but nothing on Earth lasts forever.
CJ WAKES UP
Jesus opened his eyes and sat up suddenly. He looked around the room checking for tigers. He's safe at home, in his bedroom. He's pretty sure he's not dreaming anymore, which is a relief. But his heart was still pounding as he wiped away the cold sweat that had pooled between his tits.
"Craziest fuckin dream ever." He muttered to himself, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
Jesus had been having prescient dreams of the future for some time now. At first many of the dreams had been confounding - especially the dreams of the distant future. But no dream had ever affected him as profoundly as this one.
Jesus reached for the Dream Journal on his bedside table and wrote as much as he could remember:
The tiger ... the cow pasture ... the boat ... Seahorse ... the box ... Lil Genie ... something called "fantasy football."
It was all so confusing and foreboding. Especially the seahorse. Many gods and spirits had visited Jesus in his dreams -- But Seahorse seemed strange. So desperate. So thirsty. He’d never seen a god act like that before and he couldn't help but think that Seahorse’s death could be a sign. He said to himself - "I gotta talk to Solomon".
----------
Ever since Jesus was little, whenever he had a problem he always went to talk to his great-great...(26x)...granddad King Solomon. Solomon was cool as shit. He was the original King of Kings. He was welcomed and revered in every nation in the known world - Jews, African Jews, Arabs, Persians, Romans, Mongols, even the Russians - everybody sang the Songs of Solomon. Solomon had been everywhere and he'd seen it all. As far as anyone knew Solomon was the only person around who was older than Jesus - in fact, he was almost 1,000 years older, and that millennia of experience was invaluable. Which is why he stayed the king all this time - even now that Jesus' Word was spreading far and wide.
In the year 360 Solomon had been King of Israel for 1330 years. Solomon became immortal back in the day when he won a bet with the demon king Asmodeus. For a while Asmodeus tried sending various ghosts and cryptids to fuck with Solomon and steal his powers back. But Solomon was such a fuckin smooth ass pimp that most of the demons ended up staying on earth and just hanging with him instead. My man had succubus falling in love, genies giving away freebie wishes, ghosts haunting his enemies - anything he wanted. Every ghost, demon, and monster was on Team Solomon. At one point he was married to 2,000 chicks and only about half of them were human.
Since long before Jesus was born all the demons on Earth had been living in Solomon's castle. They did whatever he said, and were forbidden to leave. Occasionally, Solomon sent demons to do shady errands or fight other king's armies, but that was about it. It was very important to Solomon that the monsters not interfere with the lives of regular people. That's because the people of Israel, he had found, were much easier to control if they thought ghosts and monsters don't exist.
Really this was for the best for everybody tho - 'cause they're fucking demons. Which is exactly what Solomon had always told Jesus when he asked about ghosts or djinns when he was younger:
"They're no good, CJ. Stay away from those fuckers, even the cute ones, even Robin fucking Williams, they were all born in Hell and they hate us."
Jesus sought love and kindness at all times, so in his heart of hearts it was difficult to accept that humans and demons could never live in peace; But Solomon's argument resonated because the demons - all of them - really did hate Jesus. When Jesus was a baby demons used to sneak out of the castle all the time and try to kill him in his sleep. But he always woke up the next day, no problemo. The devils never gave up tho, they kept trying Jesus every now and then throughout his adult life too. Even now - when the demons knew Jesus couldn't die - they still tried to make his life difficult when they could.
Fortunately Solomon came up with a trick to keep Jesus safe: Solomon was a prolific writer of hymns and holy music, which he found had a peculiar effect on most demons. The psalms were like a snake charmer's flute to them, they became entranced and - most importantly - docile and calm. Sometimes they just fell asleep when he sang.
This is about all Jesus knew of demons, devils, djinns, and ghosts in the year 360, and none of it was particularly helpful in deciphering the symbols in his dream. If anybody was gonna know what this genie dream is supposed to mean it's gonna be Solomon.
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CJ & BATMAN
The walk to Solomon's Castle normally took Jesus right through the center of the city of Jerusalem. Normally he wouldn't mind mingling with the people and granting a few prayers along the way, but the dream still had Jesus feeling a little rattled so he waited until evening then took a longer route around the outskirts of town to avoid the crowds.
As he ducked into an alley Jesus saw his old friend The Batman crouched on a window ledge.
"Yo!!! What's up, Vengeance?!" Jesus called.
Batman put a finger to his lips - "SHHHH!! Damn, J, can't you see I'm working?!?"
"Got anything good?"
"Nah, just some bullshit for Solomon." Batman hopped down off the ledge. "He heard somethin' about a genie around here, but I aint seen shit."
Jesus was incredulous. "Fuck that! I'm on my way to see Solomon right now. Take a break and walk with me. I wanna talk to you about this shit too."
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The good King Solomon, in his infinite wisdom, had hired Batmans to protect every major city in his kingdom. There were cops in the kingdom back then too, so the Batmans' main job was to handle run-away genies and keep that shit quiet!!
Jesus and The Jerusalem Batman were road dogs from way back - ever since he was a Robin. Jesus liked to help The Batmans catch genies in his spare time.
Most of the time Jesus would have prescient visions showing him where the genies were gonna be before they even broke out of the castle - Minority Report style.
Even when they were sneaky enough to trick Jesus, none of them could get past The World's Greatest Detective. All the genies knew not to fuck around in Jerusalem. So at this point even Jesus and Bats hadn't actually seen any kind of monster in the city in a few years.
Batman said to Jesus as they headed up the alleyway: "We can talk. But I'm not walking all the way up to Solomon's right now. My back's killin' me from all that crouching and lurking. Let's just go to the bar and talk there. I know a good place around here."
"What's around here?" Jesus asked. He looked around - this was a quiet neighborhood, and one Jesus had been through countless times.
Batman huffed, and looked at Jesus sideways. "You don't know about Nicky's new place? Hottest spot in town right now. I thought you were omniscient. Maybe you're finally getting old too, J."
Jesus muttered "Fuck you, Vengeance" as Batman strutted around the corner.
They walked a bit down the side street and turned another corner to find a line of people stretching down the block. Batman said, "See? Told you this place was hot." They heared murmurs in the crowd as the people noticed that Jesus and Batman were walking toward them.
"Do your thing, J, I'll go talk to the bouncer." Batman proceeded up to the front door as Jesus sighed.
"Shit." He whispered to himself, then Jesus walked casually along the line of people. As he got closer he dapped up the people near the curb while others in the crowd began shouting out prayers to their Lord and Savior:
"Jesus, cure my mom's cancer!!!" -- "Jesus, bring me new sneakers!!!" -- "Jesus, I need a new job!!!" -- "Jesus, teach me how to play the guitar!!!"
As he continued along the block, Jesus pointed out each person he heard pray to him. To each one he pointed a finger, looked in their eyes, and said "Yes".
"Yes" -- "Yes" -- "Yes", and their prayers were answered right there on the spot.
When he reached the front of the line Batman was at the door waving him over. Jesus held up his hands as he turned toward the crowd and shouted "OK, folks, no more prayers for now. We'll see yall inside. We love you, Jerusalem!!!" The crowd cheered as he turned and walked through the door. Just when the bouncer closed the door behind Jesus and Bats they swore they heard someone call out over the crowd -
"CJ, BRING ME A FANTASY THREE-PEAT!!!!!"
Jesus spun around to see who had said it, but it was too late. He grabbed Batman by the shoulder. "Did you hear that?"
"Yea. Who the fuck was that? Who else calls you 'CJ'?"
"Fuckin nobody, Just Solomon. He came up with that nasty shit."
"And what is a 'fantasy three-peat'? I don't even know what that means."
"I think I do. C'mon, let's get a drink."
As they pushed their way through the crowd Jesus was repeatedly pulled aside to answer more prayers. When they eventually they reached the bar, Batman tapped a random guy on the shoulder. "These're our seats." Batman growled.
The rando turned around slowly "Who the fu--" he paused as he came face to face with The Bat, "Oh! Hey! Batman. Sure, sure, pal, whatever you need." Then he pulled his friend off of the barstool next to him and they disappeared into the crowd. Jesus and Bats took the randos' seats and the bartender immediately poured them each a beer and a shot of whiskey (every bartender in Jerusalem knew Jesus' and Batman's usual order). They each picked up their shot glasses. "TO SOLOMON!!" they both said as they clinked glasses and threw the shots down.
Then with his beer in hand Jesus looked around the club behind them. "This place is packed. Seriously, how did I not know about this place?"
"No idea, dude. It's slightly concerning if we're being honest." Batman replied casually over a sip of his beer.
"I think I'm losin it, Vengeance. "
Then Jesus broke down the whole dream for Batman. Batman listened with rapt attention, and when it was over he had a lot of questions:
"First of all - how did you go to sleep and wake up again IN the dream?"
"THREE TIMES!! I know, it makes no sense."
Batman shook his head. "So, the island was Jormungandr right? Maybe this was another end-of-the-world dream -- like Ragnarok."
"That's what I thought at first too, but when I see the apocalypse there's always a flood."
"But you were on a boat right? Maybe this all takes place after the flood."
"I guess, but there were way too many things alive still. Seahorse said he was going to meet up with his friends, so it didn't seem like the world had ended."
"Why didn't the Seahorse just pray to you for the 'three-peat' (Batman made air-quotes). Didn't you tell him you're Jesus?"
"Oh yea, I guess I didn't... Fuckin guy talked so much I barely told him anything at all."
"And all his other friends were gods too? I still don't get what he needed a genie for."
"Yea. Gods from all over. Most of em weren't from around here, which also makes me think this wasn't any ordinary genie."
"Look, J, forget that bitch Genie. What we need to do is get us some conch shell rides. That sounds amazing."
"C'mon man I'm being serious"
"I'm being serious!! I got three weeks left until retirement. You know I've been planning this vacation. If there's conch-pussy in our future I wanna know about it."
"Ah yea, that reminds me - Did they tell you who's taking over for you next month? What happened to that Robin you were rolling with? She was cool."
"Oh, Barbara? Yea, Solomon sent her to Africa somewhere. Axum, I think."
"Oof. Forty years in the desert huh? What'd she do?"
"You know he won't tell me that kinda shit. Privileged info. Maybe you can ask him when you see him."
Just then they heard a shrill scream coming from somewhere in the crowd on the dance floor. Jesus and Batman spun around to see a foggy mist rising up and spreading across the room.
"OH SHIT!!!" They both shouted in unison.
Batman leapt out of his stool and dashed into the crowd. Jesus followed, ducking and weaving through the panicking mob. As the dance floor cleared a monstrous figure appeared. A terrifying demonic genie with blood soaked piranha-like fangs. Three dead bodies already lay at her feet. She laughed maniacally and more clouds and fog billowed from her mouth. Batman attacked the genie on sight. He threw blow after blow but she was unaffected. The genie continued to cackle even as the bat-fists rained down on her.
Batman, realizing that he couldn't defeat this beast with brute force alone, retreated back to the bar. He vaulted over, ducked for cover, and searched for a weapon in his utility belt. Meanwhile Jesus was singing, but the genie couldn't hear him over the screams of panicked club-goers.
Just then the genie began muttering in a strange foreign tongue and a powerful whirlwind cleared the area around her and lifted her a meter off the ground. Her eyes began glowing bright red as she swung both arms swiftly over her head. The ceiling of the club began to crack. Lights and rafters fell from the ceiling, crashing onto the now empty dance floor. With another upward motion of her arms and a guttural cry the roof shattered into the bits of stone and plaster. A hurricane force gust of wind emitting from the genie blew the roof and ceiling off into the night sky. The full moon and starry expanse cast a pale blue light on the wreckage below. The genie continued to levitate higher into the sky, still speaking in tongues, eyes burning crimson red.
From behind the bar, Batman whipped a serrated baterang up at her. Immediately spotting the attack, the genie coldly folded her arms, nodded her head, and blinked. She disappeared momentarily and the baterang spun through the mist where she had just been.
Jesus and Batman exchange a puzzled glance. "Samantha?" Batman asked.
"Can't be." Jesus said.
By then the room had cleared and Jesus continued his songs, louder and faster now, cupping his hands around his mouth:
"JUMPMAN! JUMPMAN! JUMPMAN! them boys up to something -- They just spent like two or three weeks out the country -- You don't have to call, I hit my dance like Usher, WOO!! -- I hit that Ginobili with my left hand up like WOO!!" ...
The genie's arms fell limp at her sides for a moment, but just then she gathered herself and shook her head briskly, rousing herself from the trance. She plugged her ears with her fingers and continued to chant. Jesus' voice was getting hoarse as he tried to yell over the chants
"Chi-Town, Chi-Town, Michael Jordan just had text me, WOO!! -- JUMPMAN! JUMPMAN! JUMPMAN! JUMPMAN! JUMPMAN! JUMPMAN! -- I just seen the jet take off, they up to something ..."
The genie's eyelids began to sag. She wavered as her whirlwind chariot dissipated. The clouds parted, the fog lifted, and she fell backwards as her eyes closed. The genie lay motionless as Batman and Jesus approached. Batman kicked the genie in the ribs, hard. His voice thundered "The fuck you doin in Jerusalem, bitch!?!" Jesus pulled him back.
"Chill, Bats. Just rope her up and I'll haul her back to Solomon's."
"Fuckin Solomon, man. How'd he let THIS motherfucker get out?"
Presently the genie lifted her head and opened her eyes ever so slightly.
Her eyes blinked as she drunkenly nodded her head, then let her neck fall limp again.
Jesus saw her move and dove at her, screaming.
"NOOOOO!!!!"
Out of the clear night sky a bolt of lighting shot down and struck the ground at the genie's feet. As the explosion ripped through the genie and Batman, incinerating their bodies, Jesus heard the genie whisper a single word before before she died -- "three-peat."
Jesus sat there in the bloody rubble, devastated. His face fell into his hands and he sobbed. "How could I let this happen? What's wrong with me?"
He was alone for just a moment before Nick the club owner came around the corner.
"Uh hey, Jesus." Nick said nervously. Jesus continued to bawl into his hands, not looking up.
"Hey, man ... so... uh, my club. It's just, ah..."
Jesus raised his head slightly, pointed at Nick and said "Yes." The air sparkled magically, as all the rubble swirled into the air and the club rebuilt itself exactly as it had been earlier that night.
Jesus stood up slowly, and dusted off his robes. Nick was bowing to Jesus, shaking his clasped hands.
"Bless you, Jesus. Thank you."
Jesus said "I love you, Nick. Be safe, buddy" as he turned and walked up the avenue toward Solomon's castle.
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Solomon's castle was up on the top of Mount Moriah overlooking the city of Jerusalem. Jesus hiked up the mountain slowly, methodically watching his feet as he walked. His legs started to burn as the trail got steeper, and he remembered Batman kvetching about the schlep earlier that evening.
"Batman... Damn." He thought as he silently shook his head. A dozen Batmans had lost their lives in the line of duty under Jesus' watch -- but it never got easier.
Presently a cold damp breeze chilled Jesus to his bones. He heard a cackling laughter from the tops of the trees ahead at him.
"Shit. Ghosts."
He was still a ways away from Solomon's castle. The ghosts only haunted this forest if Solomon was out of town. Jesus wrinkled his mouth sideways then shook his head and cleared his throat. His mouth was dry and his throat was still raw from singing to the genie. So he just kept stoically matriculating up the hill, ignoring the ghosts.
A frigid gust of wind blew Jesus' hood back.
"Fuck you." Jesus muttered angrily, still staring at his feet. Several meters later Jesus felt a foot stomp on the heel of his sandal as a raspy wicked voice laughed in his ear then echoed into the distance. Still ignoring the nuisances, Jesus simply stopped, knelt, re-laced his sandal, then continued plodding up the trail. "Almost there." Jesus said to himself with a sigh.
The trail opened into a small clearing with an huge ancient looking acacia tree in the middle.
Jesus approached the tree and lifted his head. He reached for the false branch that opened his secret passage into Solomon's estate, and stopped suddenly. A single flower had grown from the trunk of the tree, he'd never noticed flowers in this tree before. He leaned in to look at it closely.
Just then Jesus heard a voice calling from behind him up the train behind him.
"Jesus?! Is that you?!"
Jesus spun around and saw a petite brunette Batgirl hiking up the hill toward the clearing, waving at him excitedly.
"Robin?" Jesus asked.
"They call me 'Batman' now, as you can see!" The Batgirl pirouetted as she entered the clearing, her hair and cape whipping around her.
"Ha Ha!! Look at you! Miss Vengeance!!!"
Jesus and Batgirl hugged and slapped each other on the back.
"Man, J, I'm glad I found you. We got a problem down in Axum. Everybody wants Solomon to come down there, but I know he's gonna frickin hate it."
"Well we got our own problems here, I was just going to see Solomon myself but it looks like he's not home."
"Dang. Anything I can help with."
"Matter of fact, yea. Me and Bats trashed a club in town trying to gaffle up this crazy ass genie. Huge fuckin mess, tons of witnesses ..."
"Yea OK. You wanna 'Men-In-Black' 'em?"
"Would you mind?"
"I know the drill." Batgirl said. Then she cleared her throat, and clasped her hands together. "Jesus, I pray that no one in Jerusalem will remember the genie that y'all fought tonight."
Jesus pointed a finger at Batgirl. "Yes."
Batgirl shook her head. "Y'all two are gettin' sloppy. I knew Bats is out of shape, but you? You gettin' old too, J?"
"Heh. Yea.. Maybe ..." Jesus said wistfully. "Look ... I ... Bats ..." Jesus paused.
"What?" Batgirl asked.
"He didn't make it." Jesus said. "I'm so sorry."
Batgirl blinked hard as tears blurred her vision.
Jesus reached his arms out and Batgirl burrowed her head in his shoulder. They held each other and cried for a minute that felt like an eternity to them both.
They pulled back from the embrace and Jesus said presently, "Arright. Solomon's outta town. Lets just go sit in the garden. I'll sing those bitches a lullaby and your can roll us some joints."
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Solomon's estate was protected by a massive wall that served both to keep the demons in and keep people out. The wall enclosed a 40 square acre plot of land with the castle proper in the center. Solomon utilized the better part of the land surrounding the castle for his royal cannabis farm. Tens of thousands of weed plants, depending on the season, were guarded by a team of Solomon's most debased hellions and terrifying chimeras.
To avoid the guards at the gates, Jesus had built a tunnel that led from this acacia tree, under the wall, right up into the middle of the weed garden. The tunnel had actually been Batman's idea. Solomon was generous with his crop of course, he let Jesus and The Bats take as much weed as they wanted, but he always gave the Batmans shit about smoking when they were "on duty" - which was literally all time, 24/7. So back when he was a rookie Robin, our dearly departed Dark Knight had prayed for a secret tunnel that he and Jesus could use to smoke in peace.
The only tricky part was exiting the tunnel without any of the demons seeing them. As Jesus and Batgirl neared the end of the tunnel, Jesus cleared his throat and got ready to sing. Batgirl stepped past him and unlocked the trap door.
"Ready?" She asked, grasping the handle tightly.
"Ok. Lets go."
Batgirl cracked the door open just slightly and Jesus leaned in pressing his face into the crack as he sang soothingly -
You used to call me on my cell phone -- Late night when you need my love -- Call me on my cell phone -- Late night when you need my love -- AND I KNOW WHEN THAT HOTLINE BLING-- That can only mean one thing -- I KNOW WHEN THAT HOTLINE BLING -- That can only mean one thing ---- Ever since I left the city, YOOOOU --
Just then Jesus was interrupted by a loud thud, as a flying demon crashed heavily to the ground near the tunnel exit.
Jesus stopped singing and turned to Batgirl. "Arright. Should be clear now."
Batgirl pushed the heavy door open and they both climbed up into the clear night air.
"I love that song, J. But what the heck is a 'cell phone'?"
"It's kinda hard to explain." Jesus said, shrugging.
Jesus led Batgirl past several rows of plants looking for his favorite strain.
"Ah there it is." He finally said, pointing at a plant a few meters away.
As they approached the plant they smelled smoke. Batgirl peered between the plants and saw two women sitting in the path between the rows, sharing a joint. She recognized them immediately - Deborah and Lydia, two of Solomon's human wives.
Batgirl pressed between the plants to greet her old friends. "What's up, ladies?!" She shouted.
The queens jumped up excitedly. "Barbara?!? What are you doing here?" Lydia exclaimed. "How you been, girl? How's Africa?" Deborah asked.
"It's HOT. But, you know, I'm maintainin'." Batgirl replied. "Me and J just came through to get some of this DANK. You mind if we join you?"
"Sup, Jesus." Lydia said coolly.
"Actually, we were hoping to find Solomon here, but it looks like he's out. Y'all know where he went?" Jesus asked.
Lydia looked at Deborah and shook her head. "I swear to God..."
Deborah put a hand on Lydia's shoulder "Ah c'mon, Lyd, let it go it's just Jesus."
Lydia became flustered. "No. No. I'm not gonna let it go. Why? Just cause he's got tits? Fuck that."
"Here we go..." Deborah said as she took a long drag of her joint.
Lydia pointed a finger a Jesus. "It's the same story every time: the two of us are out here alone and somebody's gotta come ask us about Solomon - or about YOU - or some other fucking MAN?!?" She snatched the joint from Deborah's hand and sucked it hard.
"Why can't two women just have a fucking conversation about their own goddamn lives?!? Me and Deb, we're pillars of this fucking community." Lydia said tapping Deborah with the back of her hand. "I run a multi-million dollar business!! I don't give a fuck where Solomon is."
"I'm a judge." Deborah said matter of factly.
Lydia hit the joint again as she fumed.
Batgirl tried to diffuse the argument. "He didn't mean it like that, you guys You know Jesus is a feminist. He loves everybody! That's like his whole thing."
"Fuck this. I'm going to the mall." Lydia handed the joint back to Deborah and stormed off.
Deborah, Batgirl, and Jesus stood in awkward silence until Lydia was out of earshot.
"What was that all about?" Jesus asked.
"Forget about it. She's been like that all week." Deborah shrugged. Then she hit the joint and passed it to Jesus. “How long you in town for, Barb?” Deborah asked
“Not long. Don’t tell Lyd, but I just came here to talk to Jesus’. See, Arwe, the king of Axum is a fascist, right? He’s been king for a long time and for a while people were happy enough. But last year after me and Solomon's ambassadors got there, the people tried to hold elections and he flipped the heck out. Shut everything down. He made all political dissent illegal -- then had all the candidates running against him arrested for dissenting.”
“Oh shit, Barb. That’s awful.” Deborah said, placing a hand on Barbara’s back.
Jesus handed Batgirl the joint “So? We’ve deposed plenty of other tyrants before.”
“That’s not the worst part tho.” Batgirl explained. “Arwe ran unopposed in the sham election then used his 'mandate' to impose massive new taxes that are tanking the economy and crippling small businesses.”
Jesus and Deborah looked unimpressed as Batgirl paused to hit the joint.
“And ... if anyone doesn’t pay the tax then Arwe eats their children.”
“HE WHAT?!?!?” Jesus and Deborah’s jaws dropped.
“Oh. did I mention Arwe is a giant snake?”
“Yea… So, Jesus, since you can talk to animals and stuff, I figured maybe you’d wanna help out. Eh?” She casually passed the joint to Deborah.
“I mean, yea, I’ll help, of course. But Axum is fuckin FAR. I gotta find out where Solomon’s at first."
Deborah blew a huge plume of smoke then interjected
"Solomon left this morning but he wouldn't tell anybody where he was going. So me and Lydia went down and talked to the camel drivers before they left. Found out they're going to Delphi." Deborah explained.
"Delphi? The Oracle? Why?" Jesus asked, puzzled.
"No idea. It's a little concerning if we're being honest."
In the 4th century, The Oracle of Delphi was still a trusted advisor to the Caesars, but no one from Solomon's court had been there since Jesus was born. But Solomon even refused to hear Jesus' visions of the future, even though Jesus had often offered his counsel. In the old days all the kings consulted witches and soothsayers. Everything from military strategy, to infrastructure planning, to crop futures went through the Oracles. But Solomon found that knowing the future didn’t help people avoid disasters -- in fact, whenever disaster was predicted people always wasted their time and energy in futile attempts to save themselves or even avert the inevitable -- it is a tautological fact that every mortal has a disaster in their future. He came to believe that mortals were better off simply keeping faith that God's grace would see them through, than making vain attempts to control fate.
Solomon would always say that once a person has lived a thousand years, life becomes pretty predictable. His centuries of memory and experience gave him more valuable insight that any oracle. Solomon's wisdom even seemed to impart its own sort of prescience: Solomon had a way of reading people and situations to where he often seemed to guess what folks would do before they did it.
But above all Solomon was exceedingly proud, and took advice from no one. So the idea of him sailing all the way to Greece and driving a caravan up a mountain to see The Oracle was quite concerning indeed.
"What the fuck?" Jesus muttered in a froggy voice as he shook his head and exhaled a cloud of smoke. "We're gonna need a lot more of this shit for the road."
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THE ORACLE
The next day King Solomon parted the curtains on his royal carriage. Smoke billowed out as he poked his head into the sunlight. The caravan had arrived at the Temple of Apollo, the home of the Oracle at Delphi. The stone temple was perched on a cliff overlooking the rugged terrain of southern Greece. The temple was a marvel of ancient architecture, with soaring columns and intricate carvings that cast shadows that seemed to come alive even in the midday light.
Solomon closed the curtains and ducked back inside the cabin to quickly get dressed and kiss his wives goodbye. A moment later he emerged from the chariot cabin and descended a short staircase.
As soon as he stepped onto the dusty road Solomon reached for a pack of cigarettes in his robes. He pulled one from the pack, lit it, and replaced the pack and the lighter in his breast pocket as he strode confidently into the temple, his long beard and robes flowing behind him. He continued through the antechamber and directly into The Oracle's sanctuary.
The room was circular, with a high ceiling and a small opening at the top that allowed a beam of sunlight to shine down on a golden statue of Apollo.
The Oracle, a gaunt woman with glazed eyes, was seated on a high altar hovering over a steaming, boiling cauldron. She was startled by the sudden entrance of the boisterous king. "WHO IS THIS?" she demanded.
"I am King Solomon - prophet of Israel and King of all Kings."
The Oracle looked Solomon up and down. She tossed a handful of dried leaves into the cauldron at her feet and a plume of blue smoke burst into the air.
"You cannot be King Solomon. You have a strange aura. Such darkness... A truly ancient soul."
"I am who I say, and I am indeed ancient. But if you are only able to read the fortunes of mortals then I've come to the wrong place." Solomon turned on his heels.
The Oracle sat up straight. "Wait."
Solomon stopped. The Oracle tossed more leaves in her cauldron. She held a crystal aloft into the stream of rising smoke.
"I see demons in your midst. They curse you -- and your God."
"Hehehe." Solomon chuckled. "Oh ho yeah! They HATE CJ!!"
"I can advise you on demon troubles. But why have you not sought the counsel of your Lord?" Solomon twisted his mouth. "CJ? Lets just say he's still got a lot to learn..."
"Is he not over 300 years old?"
"And I am now over 4,000 years old!!!" he said, puffing out his chest. "What CJ doesn't know is that long ago I lived a mortal life and died a mortal death. Hundreds of years ago, I became a ghost, as mortals do. And I traversed the afterlives -- I haunted shit on Earth, I went to heaven, went to Mormon heaven, even the underworld. I embarked on journeys a thousand times as epic as any hero here on Earth. Over the centuries I earned the respect and friendship countless spirits and the gods themselves."
"Incredible." The Oracle said. "So a god brought you back to life, then?"
"Not exactly - See, in the year 2011 Asmodeus started a fantasy football league with me and a bunch of other demon kings and trickster gods."
"What is a fantasy - foot - ball league?" The Oracle asked, confused. "That can't be a thing. It sounds ridiculous."
"Ha! Yea lotta people used to say shit like that back in the early 2000's too." Solomon dropped his cigarette butt on the floor and crushed in under his sandal. "Anyways, I was pretty good at fantasy - perennial playoff contender - and I won the league in 2014 and 2018. The crazy thing is that Asmodeus - THE COMMISSIONER OF THE LEAGUE - sucked real bad and he never won a chip. So, obviously I gave him all kinds of shit about it, and obviously he fuckin hated it."
The Oracle stared at Solomon, her mouth slightly ajar.
"So one night, summer 2019, me and Asmodeus were drinking... I'm layin' into him about how he's never gonna win his own league and shit, right? And I said 'I bet you I'll win this league three times in a row before you win it once.' He was like 'Fuck you, Solomon!' and his face started gettin' more redder than usual. He says 'If anybody's gonna get a three-peat in this league it's gonna be me!!' So I go 'arright here's the bet - if you ever win a three-peat I'll become one of your demon slaves, but if I win a three-peat I get your magic powers and your demon kingdom!'"
"Three Petes?" The Oracle muttered.
"Asmodeus was so fuckin heated he couldn't see straight. He HAD to take that bet ... So anyways I ended up winning the league again in 2019 and 2020, so I got the demon king's powers, and all the fuckin genies and ghosts and shit are my slaves now."
The Oracle began chanting spells under her breath and tossing more leaves in the cauldron.
"Then, obviously, I used a few genie wishes to come back to life, go back in time to 950 BC, and usurp myself. BONG!!" Solomon counted the wishes on his fingers and pounded his fist into his palm for emphasis.
The Oracle's eyes were open wide and she tilted her head as she looked at Solomon, a mixture of awe and skepticism. "I see," she said, choosing her words carefully. "Why would one as powerful as yourself seek advice of an oracle? You've seen the future with your own eyes what advice would you seek of me?"
Solomon took a breath and continued. "Well, lately things haven't been the same as they were the first time I lived em. More and more things that never happened before keep happening. Which is fine, for the most part, cause Jesus can deal with the bullshit and neither of us can die anyway."
"So what's the problem, sire?"
Solomon leaned in conspiratorially and spoke in a hushed tone. "I'm losing control of the genies," he whispered. "they started sneaking out of the castle again, and they're getting past CJ - so I think he's losing control of his powers too. Now Medusa is pregnant, and we don't know who the father is!"
The Oracle raised an eyebrow, intrigued. Solomon continued "All I know it's not mine, but I got a feeling that whoever's been fucking my genies is probably the one fucking up everything else around here too."
The Oracle raised an eyebrow. "I see," she said, stoically. "The father of the demon baby is not of this earth, this child was conceived on Mount Olympus."
"DAMNIT!!!!" Solomon pulled another cigarette from the box in his robes and lit it. He stood silently for a moment trying to compose himself. He muttered, "fuckin' Zeus again, man, what the fuck."
The Oracle took a deep breath. "As you know this situation is beyond our control, and likely yours as well. I foresee that the demon child will be born soon, and he will live happily in your court."
"FUCK!!" Solomon ranted, "Demon babies are the fuckin worst! That's the whole reason I quit fucking the genies. This is bullshit!" Solomon fumed and paced a few steps back and forth across the sanctuary.
"The child will be raised by his mother. But for you, I foresee a different path."
"What path?"
"You will journey to Axum. There atop Mount Entoto you shall confront the serpent king, Arwe."
Solomon looked up and pointed two fingers at the sky. "Yes! Thank you!! Now you're talkin. Nice long-ass trip to me out the house for a while. That's what's up." Solomon pulled his cigarette again, looking relieved.
"Wait, who the fuck is Arwe?"
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Jesus and Batgirl arrived at the Temple of Apollo not long after Solomon. They had agreed that, as long as they were there, Batgirl ought to consult The Oracle as to how to deal with Arwe.
She took a deep breath as they stepped inside, her heart beating fast with nervous anticipation. The antechamber of the temple was dimly lit, with flickering torches casting eerie shadows on the walls. The air was thick with the scent of incense, Every step Batgirl took echoed off the stone walls and filled the room with sound. A young priestess stood in front of the entrance to the inner sanctum. Batgirl marched across the room toward her.
"I've come to see the Oracle," Batgirl growled in a hoarse whisper. The priestess regarded Batgirl with a gentle smile.
"Of course, my dear. The Oracle will see you shortly. But another traveller has arrived just before you. He is addressing the Oracle now, you and your companion may wait here."
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A short while later Solomon exited the sanctuary. "CJ?!?! Shit!! Who told you I was here?" he exclaimed.
"Sup, Solomon." Jesus replied. Then he turned to Batgirl. "You go on in and holler at the Oracle. We'll go talk outside." Jesus put an arm around Solomon's shoulder and walked him toward the door. The priestess led Batgirl through a series of twisting corridors until they reached the inner sanctum. Batgirl approached The Oracle, sensing the powerful energy in the ancient room.
"I seek your guidance, Oracle," Batgirl said, bowing her head. The Oracle smiled and gestured for Batgirl to sit on the ground in front of her.
"Speak your mind, child," she said, her voice soft and soothing.
Batgirl explained her mission to the Oracle, describing the horrors that Arwe had inflicted upon the people of Ethiopia. She asked for guidance on how to defeat the serpent-king and save her people.
The Oracle listened carefully, her face impassive. When Batgirl finished, the Oracle spoke. "I have
seen a great flood coming, my child. A flood that will destroy the Mediterranean coast of Egypt. You must go to Alexandria and move the contents of the library from there to Byzantine, where Caesar Constantine is building his new city."
“Did you even hear what I just said?” Batgirl's snapped back. "What about Arwe? He must be stopped. Children are dying!"
The Oracle shook her head and spoke slowly. "But you cannot defeat him yourself. Is that not why you came to me? Arwe is not your task, my child. Someone else has been sent to Axum. Your mission is far greater —"
Batgirl cut her off. "'Far greater'?!? How can you say that? How could saving some books be more important than saving people's LIVES?"
"You are to save the knowledge of the entire ancient world from destruction. Thousands of years of history, and research, and theory. Humanity would be plunged into darkness for generations if you fail. Without the knowledge contained in that library - superstition, pridec and ignorance will rule. Mankind will destroy each other and the earth itself."
Batgirl stood in awed silence and felt her surge of anger fade to disappointment. She realized it was no use questioning the wisdom of the Oracle.
With her mind reeling, Batgirl thanked the Oracle and rose to leave.
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AFRICA
