What’s up Special Ed?
Your boy Kyrie is injured again, for real this time.
He’s had a lot of free time the last couple weeks, so he’s been digging deep on some choice election-time conspiracy theories. The rest of us here at the DYM Home Office aren't terribly political, we don't really pay attention to this stuff too much, so we're happy to have Kyrie come by to give us an update.
So without further to do DYM proudly presents:
KYRIE IRVING'S WOKE WEDNESDAYS: 2020 ELECTION SPECIAL!!!!!
Election season is like the Super Bowl for conspiracy theorists. The big-time woke guys like me stay on this grind 24/7/365. But when there’s a national election every dilettante with a lexisnexis account starts jumping on the band wagon. I’m not mad at em tho. I appreciate the help honestly.
There’s always a ton of funny business in these elections, it can be tough to keep up with all by yourself. And it’s always juicy cause election shenanigans are the gold-standard of all high level conspiratorial activity.
The way I see it, representative democracy is, by definition, the practice of collusion and consolidation of power. There is no such thing as a fair and equitable democracy because majority rule always necessitates a disenfranchised minority. And it is absolutely true when they say the national election is our greatest democratic institution because it is the only opportunity for common people to participate in The Grand Conspiracy. This is when we get to voice our opinion as to who we want to have conspiring on our behalf.
I’ve been studying this political bullshit for a long time, but now I feel more qualified than ever to speak on the topic since I recently won an election of my own. That’s right, you’re looking at the new Vice President of the NBA Players Association!!!!!
Was the election fixed?
You’re goddamn right it was! I ain't no chump. I rigged the shit outta that election.
I used every trick in the book.
The first thing I did was I made an app that counts votes. Then, at the last union meeting I did this whole thing about, like, "why we can’t just vote online?" I was all like “c’mon it's TWO THOUSAND AND TWENTY why are we still using PAPER ballots?” Then I said some shit about voter registration fraud and enhanced cyber security and boom, now everybody’s gotta use the Kyrie App to vote in the union election.
That’s a little trick I picked up just this year from Mayor Pete. A lotta people are saying he’s in the CIA cause the voting app company he made was called “Shadow, Inc.” Granted, the name is suspect like a motherfucker, but actually the scheme isn't that hard to pull off, even without a lot of resources. Plus, the Pete App was kinda janky so the other states figured out pretty quick that it was a scam.
To be fair, Mayor Pete is for sure a CIA asset, but he’s not that real deep state Manchurian. Sure, he’s on the board of a neoliberal imperialist think-tank.
And, he wrote a press release supporting the American-backed occupation of Somalia.
And he’s pretending to be gay for liberal clout.
And he joined the Navy in 2009 - two years after he started working with foreign government clients at McKinsey and one year after he took that “vacation” to Somalia.
Maybe that's a semantic argument, but I think it's important to be accurate and factual here.
If Mayor Pete was a real deep state guy he woulda known that actual voter fraud is just one of the three essential components of a rigged election:
First you manipulate the voters with scare tactics.
Next you identify your opposition and obstruct their ability to vote.
THEN you hack your own software and change the vote counts.
The lesson here, for Pete Buttigieg, is that fixing the books may be the most expedient way to corrupt an election but it’s also the riskiest, especially if you haven’t silenced and disenfranchised your dissenters first.
The real election fraud veterans like me and Joe Biden know how this shit works.
In my players’ union election, the incumbent VP was Pau Gasol, so the scare tactics part was pretty easy. First, I made some racist attack ads.
Then, when I’d talk to guys about my platform, I’d always make sure to say something about “foreign election interference” and also say something about how greasy Jose Calderon is, just to feel em out.
Then I made a list of everybody that told me to shut the fuck up and I made their apps crash on election night. Ha!!
Trust the process, motherfuckers.
But my man Biden’s taking it to the whole nother level. Sleepy Joe’s grift game is so strong he don’t even need to campaign, just 100% pure grift. Biden’s an OG election stealer, he’s not fuckin with rinky-dink apps or fake twitter profiles like Pete.
He knows the old tricks are still the best tricks.
The manipulation phase has been a little tricky so far for Biden.
The guy was alive for THE ENTIRE cold war, so he’s got the socialist fear-mongering down pat. But he can’t really speak in public too much, on account of the dementia. So instead he just got all the party bosses to talk that shit on TV and strong arm the local politicians, unions, and church leaders.
He's even got the Party Machine strong arming all the other campaigns!
Just like the good old days!!!
Step two, isolating and suppressing the opposition vote, has been pretty easy so far thanks to all the redistricting in Republican controlled states. There were already fewer polling places and more registration laws in most of these Super Tuesday states, so the opposition came pre-suppressed for your boy.
If you guys ever wondered why voters' rights bills NEVER get through the senate, even when it’s all Democrats, now ya know.
See that guy James up there talkin about “out-of-order voting machines”?
Now that's the shit that really got me to thinkin...
Remember those Diebold machines that Dubbya used to steal the 2004 election?
That the company definitely did access DURING the election?
And the CEO of the company was a Bush donor and he emailed Bush to say he was “committed to delivering Ohio” for the President?
I think about that a lot. And I bet Joe Biden does too.
After the 2004 election Diebold got the Al Capone treatment, and were forced to dissolve over some insider trading bullshit. In 2009 they sold off the voting machine business to Electronic Systems & Software (ES&S).
The funny thing is, an even more prominent Republican used to be the president of ES&S. Back in 1996 Chuck Hagel left ES&S to run for Nebraska’s recently vacated Senate seat. Nebraska had not elected a Republican Senator in 18 years. Hagel’s opponent, popular Democratic Governor Ben Nelson, was predicted to win by every major poll up until election day, but the heretofore unknown Hagel CRUSHED Nelson by fifteen points.
Like I said, I bet Joe Biden thinks about this shit all the time.
Iowa wasn’t the only state that rolled out a new voting system this year. As it turns out, South Carolina, Georgia, Virginia, and a whole bunch of other places just got brand new voting machines from… you guessed it… ES&S.
And that’s the great thing about these election time conspiracy theories. They’re not even theories, it’s just conspiracy facts. Since elections are largely a public exercise, a lot of the fraud necessarily happen in public view.
My point here is that this isn't a 21st century problem. The shady shit politicians do today is the exact same shit they've always been doing. There's nothing new here, it's always been this way. Corruption, collusion and conspiracy are features of our system, not bugs.
Democracy is a joke, you guys. Don’t Vote.