DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2019 WEEK 3 Part 2
DUMPSTER DIVER OF THE WEEK - HO...HO...HO!!!
Best pickup: Daniel Jones
A new era in New York Giants Football began yesterday. And Doug celebrated with perhaps the biggest homer pick-up of the year - Danny Fucking Dimes. Ever since Eli Manning retired in 2014 the Giants have brought in a parade of highly-touted potential replacement QBs. Huge names like Kyle Lauletta, Geno Smith, and Ryan Nassib have all wilted under the hot Broadway spotlight that is the New York Media. Even Odell threw a few passes each of the past few years as the G-Men have quilted together a patch-work QB position. But now, finally, they have found their answer. DANNY DIMES IS FOR REAL!!!
It looks like NYC has a new second biggest sports star (after Kyrie). It's exciting times for Giants fans who just got their first glimpse of their new Guy, cause first impressions can last a lifetime. So DYM conducted a text poll of our league’s Big Blue contingent to get the instant reactions after Day 1 of the Daniel Jones era.
We sent a text to each of you with one question:
“HOW BOUT THAT DANNY DIMES??” Fox News’ Mike Tobin is now the early leader for DYM MVP for sending us this absolute masterpiece. Consider yourselves put on notice, folks. If we were Giants fans we’d make this our Yahoo AND Facebook profile pic. Probly print it out and frame two copies - hang one in the office and one on the front door of the house. Decorate it for the holidays like a wreath. Doug didn’t watch The Giants yesterday. Presumably because he’s a “father” now. He tells DYM he’s considering not ever watching The Giants again for good luck.
We’ve always been proponents of not watching NFL football. There are certain advantages one can gain by having that purely abstract view of fantasy stats, and not allowing one’s “eyes to fool them.”
That’s why, when everyone else was euphorically celebrating the first Big Blue win of the year, Doug was in the fantasy laboratory pulling off a big-time pickup. Everybody else in the poll focused on the contrasting running styles of Eli and DJ. The crux of that contrast being that Eli didn’t run and DJ does: Paul immediately changed the subject to Josh Allen which was fine with us. He had already picked up Allen (and not Jones) in another league and was trying to talk himself into it: “Danny Dimes was on fire but he reminds me of Cousins .. Stature-wise and everything, Allen is a beast more like Luck’s stature“ That’s a FIRE take right there, folks. Flaming Hot Cheetos. The true fans are eternal pessimists. Fay guessed Eli had never had 2 rushing TDs in his career. But, Matt, the only Giants fan who didn’t win his fantasy game, went the extra mile for us and dug up Eli’s actual career rushing stats: "[Danny]’s got a little way to go still. There was that year that Eli had 80 yards. He is only 5 rushing TDs away from tying Eli though.
I looked. Eli has 566 career rushing yards. His high was 80 (first full season) and his low was -9. I never realized it until now, but I don’t think it’s that hard to get [2-3] yards because Eli was basically the same as a guy running on stilts or hopping on one foot and managed to get a decent amount." We’re thinkin Danny passes that 566 yds and 7 TDs this year alone, easy.
Two teams have starters tonight but they’re both down by at least 40. Good night to catch up on Power.
FOOD BEEF PRESENTS: THE 2019 BAGEL TOUR!!!
Bagel Chateau - Madison, NJ
This year Chateau of Madison celebrates its 25th anniversary. It’s become an institution in this area, and we’ve never understood why. Like the Jeff Fisher of bagel spots, Chateau is proof that doing something for a long time doesn’t necessarily make you good at it. These are bagels for children. First of all, look how small that damn thing is. We literally took that whole sandwich down in 4 bites. It’s hard to believe that there’s a whole wheat bagel sandwich that’s less filling than a McDonald’s cheeseburger but here it is. The flavor was also entirely uninteresting. Very plain, no complexity. A juvenile bagel. Dave Maulbeck reported a “chewy” Egg Bagel: “The outside of the bagel had no crust like it was all a rubbery mess outside and in.” Unlike Madison Bagel, which we suspect uses lower quality ingredients, this seems to be more of a technique issue. Bagel dough must be given a much longer time to rise than other breads. Then, they must be handled with great care while baking to maintain the structure that the gluten develops over that time. A failure in these two areas can result in a mushy, unstructured white bread and whole wheat that does not fully rise. This is an amateur bakery. The coffee, likewise, was a flavorless brown-water-style beverage. Here’s a tip: try to burn your tongue on the coffee so you can’t taste the bagel as much! BAGEL SCORE: 4/10 -1 bonus point for bad coffee +1 bonus point for nice lox spread JUDGES’ ORDERS: DYM: Whole wheat everything with bacon, double egg, salt, pepper, hot sauce: 3/10 Dave: Egg bagel with scrambled eggs, salt, pepper, ketchup: 3/10 Cynthia: Whole wheat everything with lox, cream cheese, tomatoes, and capers: 5.5/10 YODA’S PPR RUNNING BACK OF THE WEEK - DARREL WILLIAMS!!! Qui-Gon Jinn has encountered a vergence in the force. An undrafted RB on the highest volume passing Offense we’ve ever seen. It’s possible he was conceived by the passing game itself. Master Shady has never had a solid backup. Qui-Gon believes that young Darrel Williams may be the one to fulfill the ancient prophecy. Qui-Gon: He will be trained as a Jedi, will he not? Alvin Windu: He is too big. Yoda: Too big, yes... 225 and 6’1 he is. Too tall to begin the training… Qui-Gon: But, Master, Coach Reid trusts the boy why don’t you?? Yoda: Hmmm. The dark side clouds everything. More targets and receiving yards had Rex Burkhead. A far better padawan he would be, with a far funnier name. A funny name young Darrel does not have... Play ahead of Darwin Thompson he should not. A much funnier name Darwin is as well. Difficult to see the future is. But trusted, young Darrel is by the Oracle Andy Reid. So train him we will. HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!