DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2019 WEEK 5!!!!!
What’s up, Special Ed? That two day work week we scheduled for ourselves proved to be a bit too demanding. But that’s the great thing about working here at Defend Your Moves, they really values their employees’ work/life balance. When there’s a week as all-around-shitty as last week was, and we’ve been smoking indica all week, it’s just Writer’s Block City around here. We’re quickly entering the dog days of the fantasy season, so we’re just gonna run down some DYM Classics to wrap up week 4 and kick off week 5: DUMPSTER DIVER OF THE WEEK - NOBODY, But, ESPECIALLY NOT Bring it on Home!!!! PICK UP OF THE WEEK: I don’t know, Golden Tate? No... hold up... Marvin Jones!!!! Total League Moves: 23 NOBODY is dumpster diver of the week for week 4. But, ESPECIALLY NOT Bring it on Home!!!! They have now not made a move since September 15th. And it’s not like they haven’t gotten any trade offers either. Some of their players are obviously very appealing to folks like us, and it’s not like they can’t afford to take on a two-for-one and drop bum-ass Sony or the backup Chief… Anyway, Week 4 was a busy but unproductive one for the rest of the Special Ed League. Nine of us combined for a spectacular 23 total roster moves between 9/22 and 9/30 (including two trades). But, beside kickers and Ds, no player picked up last week made a significant impact in week 4. Of course most of our first round draft picks didn’t do shit in week 4 either so it’s really nothing to be ashamed of. Nevertheless, we’re proud of you guys cause there were a few clever moves worth highlighting. Especially the folks that dropped Dolphins: Pickle Ricks made one position-player move last week but it was our favorite move of the week. Dropping a Dolphin is always the BEST, and we hate Kenyan Drake the most of all. Plus, Marvin Jones is a perennial under-the-radar sleeper since he has such a boring name. Only the most analytically minded fantasy players like Fay can see beyond such a terribly unfunny name and roster a player based on production metrics alone. GREAT MOVE!!!! Doug had immediate buyers remorse after The Big Trade. Dropping Agholor set off a dizzying cycle of moves that could continue well into next week. He even picked up and dropped Jarvis Landry on the same day!!!! So disrespecful, we love it! Doug made 5 moves last week and would have been a shoe-in for DDoTW if he had started Hooper. Looks like Hoop Dogg is gonna be forced into the starting lineup this week after the Big Trade, and Davante’s toe, left this team with a dearth of WRs for week 5. Doug should be in the running for DDoTW again next week with more moves surely coming soon. Fox News’ Mike Tobin picked up Golden Tate. This was his only move of the week but it was artfully executed and could be a high-impact move starting this week. Tobin drafted the #2 best roster but still has some flexibility with two very drop-able players - these are essentially dead roster spots, but you can see here why that’s not always a bad thing. Most people consider the teams with the most “good” players to be the “best” teams. But Roster Flexibility is an underrated fantasy asset. Having a back-up for the elite BAL defense gave them the ability to make this sort of proactive move. As of press time, this squad STILL owns two Defenses after dropping John Ross (IR). So hopefully more big moves are in the works for the Shit-Squad. DYM also made 5 total moves, but mostly just bench shuffling. They now have one of the most unfortunately INFLEXIBLE rosters in the league. They will enter week 5 action with 2 TEs and no Kicker on the roster. Honestly, what the fuck are those guys doing? Somebody’s gotta offer them a trade. Those TEs are actually better than a lot of you guys’ WRs. WEEK FOUR WILL FULLER FACTS!!!! What’s going on with our guy Full House?? His hair is longer and blonder than ever yet he hasn’t caught a TD or even 70 receiving yards yet this year. It’s looking like Odell may have been on to something with the off-season haircut. And if that Jose-Reyes-Muppet look is dead, then braided dreads is definitely dead too. That’s bad news for D’Angelo Russell. But there may be a way The Full House can get going without cutting off five years worth of hair: Any time something bad happens in Houston, most people blame the Texans offensive line. Watson gets injured? Blame the O-Line. Lamar Miller and Carlos Hyde can’t run the ball? Blame the O-Line. James Harden chokes in the Playoffs? Blame the O-Line. Hurricanes? Floods? Blame the O-Line. Folks, the Texans kinda stink this year. But the fact is, they’ve only ever been good when Will Fuller is scoring TDs. So we’re calling out that goddamn Offensive Line right here and now - If Watson can’t get the ball in Fuller’s hands, then just don’t snap it to him!! He says hike, you stand up and toss it straight to Fuller. Boom. That’s a direct snap. Now Full House is the QB. Fuller throws it deep, runs around the world super fast like Bugs Bunny, catch that shit in the end-zone. TOUCHDOWN!!!!! FOOD BEEF PRESENTS: THE 2019 BAGEL TOUR!!!! Noah’s Bagels - Chatham, NJ Noah’s Bagels has three Central-Jersey locations and we’ve long considered it to be one of the area’s top two bagel franchises along with Bagels-4-U. Those were our go-to's up until about 2008. Nowadays it’s hard to remember why we used to like Noah’s so much since we’ve had so many memorably bad experiences there. For a long time they didn't even have grills, swear to god, they MICROWAVED eggs until about a year or two ago. The Chatham location has now been remodeled, but the entire staff is still entirely apathetic to their customers’ desires. Noah’s makes a pretty good bagel, but that might be the only thing they do well. Every bagel you get at Noah’s is hand-rolled and has that tough, crispy crust and those sticky, doughy insides we demand from our bagels. They also offer an impressive variety, with two specialty bagels (sourdough, and Black Russian [with sesame seeds and craisins]) that we’ve yet to find at any other local shop, and of course their bagel sticks are an old favorite from way back. Generally the bagels come out thinner than we like, and they’re not super filling, but very very tasty. Most of our judges were happy with the sandwiches they got, but they took forever to make and half of us didn’t get what we ordered. Dave Maulbeck ordered an everything, but was given a plain bagel. DYM was served cheese on our bacon and egg (we sent it back and waited twice as long for the remake). Cynthia found her lox to be sub-par. Even the boy didn’t particularly care for the strawberry shmere. But, like we said, the bagels are good. It’s still possible that a 7.5 gets them in the playoffs. They should fare better in the post-season where the competition narrows and focuses on pure bagel quality. BAGEL SCORE 7.5 JUDGES ORDERS: DYM: Onion Bagel with Bagon, Egg, salt, pepper and hot sauce: 7.5 (8.5 minus 1 for adding cheese) Dave Maulbeck: Plain Bagel with Taylor ham, egg, and cheese: 7 Cynthia: Whole Wheat Everything Bagel with lox, cream cheese, tomato, and capers: 7 Maribeth: Egg Bagel with cream cheese: 8 (bagel fresh out of the oven) AMERICA’S GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!! ALVIN & THE SHITMUNKS vs SANTA AINT REAL AGoTW Prediction Record: 4-0 Both these guys sniped us on a big time move we had been planning for this week: Golden Tate was on the radar, but Tobin swooped in early while we were roster-locked. Doug knows we’ve been stock-piling screenshots of Dragon Ball Super all summer. He swooped in with the Vegeta profile pic while our brand still has Star Wars tunnel vision. Doug still might have some moves to make. Davante Adams won’t play and if Tyreek Hill and Damien Williams come back then his two Chiefs are gonna be a lot less sexy. He may need a WR body, but there are some available and we have faith he gets it done. Interestingly, there’s also a good chance we’ll see the Giants slot WR showdown with Sterling Shepherd facing off against new teammate Golden Tate. Our guess is it’s still all Evan Engram. SANTA AINT REAL WINS!!!!! DEFEND YOUR MOVES vs PICKLE RICKS!! Seriously, what the fuck is DYM doing with all those TEs? There’s gotta be some kinda plan here right? PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!! IN GALLMAN WE TRUST vs SHARON ERTZ The reinforcements should be arriving soon for The last place Commish. Mel Gordon is looking to work back in behind Beast-Mode Ekeler. Tyreek Hill and Tevin Coleman have been spotted at week 5 practices, so their returns seem imminent too. But we never like to rush guys back into our fantasy rosters coming off injury. The Commish could still bottom out this week before WHO’S HOT rankings start. Stacking up low early season scores is a bold but clever strategy to inflate your HEAT INDEX metrics. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!! PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS Both these two teams went nuts last week. There could be one more really good Ekeler game here against Denver. Matt’ll need it now that Paul has 3 legit workhorse grinders with Aaron Jones taking on extra work. P.A.T. WINS!!!!! TEAM MEH vs BRING IT ON HOME Tom Brady can’t still be starting for Andy’s team can he? Brady STANKED last week. He looked absolutely Baker-esque, predictably rolling right when there’s nothing there. Picks in the end-zone all day long. SMGDH. FREE KYLER! TEAM MEH WINS!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!