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DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2021 WEEK 6!!!!!!
What's up, Special Ed?!?!?! The NFL Newswire is smokin today!!! About a million guys got hurt in week 5, there's bye weeks, AND we got a REAL-LIFE NFL TRADE!!!!!!! That's right! In a deal that was three years in the making, our beloved ex-league-mate's cousin - Zach Ertz - was finally traded. Ertz was sent to the Cardinals in exchange for a Cornerback and a fifth round pick. That's definitely not the kind of deal the Eagles wanted for the former all-pro, (especially since last night it looked like the D-line needed a lot more help than the secondary) but hopefully they'll learn a lesson from this: For the last couple years The Eagles have been very publicly trying to trade their best players. And in the in-between time they threatened to bench some of the same players they were trying to trade, and drafted replacements for players in their primes. This is anti-social behaviour. We're not convinced that trashing your guys in public is even an effective motivational tool, and we're sure it does nothing good for their trade value. It doesn't cost the team anything to say that they like their own players, and it might help them find other people that like them too. FOOD BEEF VI: BURGERS This Week: 5 GUYS!!!!!! Five Guys is an old-time favorite of ours. We've been going to Five Guys on the reg since they first opened up in NJ about ten years ago. The burgers are always high-quality and the peanut-oil-cooked french fries are among the very best. Our favorite thing about Five Guys is the toppings selection. Fuck BK if you really wanna have it your way you gotta go to Five Guys! Our choice topping combo is: grilled mushrooms, grilled onions, pickles, jalapeños, and mustard. All those grilled toppings leave us with a rather soft burger that’s easy to eat and slides right down the gullet. The jalapeños give it just enough flavor and kick. But otherwise this is much more of a comfort food burger than a real dank gourmet burger like we had last week. BURGER SCORE: 8.5 BONUS BURGER: NICKY'S FIREHOUSE!!!!!! We had Five Guys for lunch. Then when we picked up Cynthia from work she says "Are we getting burgers?!?" So we got another burger!!! Nicky's Firehouse is our hometown go-to for pizza AND wings. Their pies have the thinnest crust and tastiest sauce in town and their wings are big and beautifully crunchy. So we were not too shocked when we heard that their burgers were top-notch as well. People around town and in the google reviews swear the burgers are even better than the pizza, but we'll let FOOD BEEF be the judge of that!! We got the signature “Firehouse Burger” and added bacon. The burger comes with “firehouse sauce” on it which is kind of a smokey flavored tarter sauce. it’s a unique flavor, and it’s pretty good but didn’t blow us away. But the fries were really really good - better than five guys, so they’ll get a little bonus for that.
Cynthia had the jalapeño burger and although it was greasy she found it to be far too dry. Not a great combo. Cynthia: 7 DYM: 8 Fries bonus: +.5 BURGER SCORE: 8 MISS CLEO'S WEEK 6 PLAYER OF THE WEEK!!!!!! JULIO JONES!!!!!! Miss Cleo's Prop Bet Record: 3-2 AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!! BRING IT ON HOME vs. PICKLE RICKS!!!!!!!! AGOTW Prediction Record: 4-1 There's no rest for the weary this week. Everybody's got injuries and/or bye weeks to deal with but there are TWO powerhouse matchups in this league that will separate the MEN from the BOYS!! LETS GOOO!!!!!! The #2 and #3 teams in our standings, BIOH and Pickle Ricks, have both been successful overall but highly inconsistent. BIOH has scored over 150 three times but also scored under 110 twice. PR has hit 130 twice but also scored less than 100 twice. So this gonna be a tough one to call. The last two weeks, injuries have forced Andy to finally start Leonard Fournette, something DYM had recommended back in week 2. Last night our guy Lenny went old school Beast Mode on the Eagles. Philly had no answer as he rumbled to 127 combined yds and 2 TDS. After that Yahoo! has Andy as a 30 point favorite, but we think this one is still far from over. Two weeks ago this team only scored 109 even though DJ Moore went off for 116 and 2TDs (30 fantasy points). BIOH has plenty of big names on the bench this week too: Carson went to IR, Kamara's on bye, and Mike Williams is very questionable. He's gonna need a lotta help from a TE and Amari "3 catches" Cooper in the FLEX spots. Pickle Ricks!! is off to a much less auspicious start this week. Stupid Mike Evans stunk last night. That guy is so annoying. They'll also have to wait at least one more week for C-Mac. But we really like a lot of the other matchups for this team: Ekeler is on fire the last two weeks, and he gets Baltimore who just let Jonathan Taylor run wild last week; Baker Mayfield is unexpectedly rejuvenated and could end up in another shootout with Arizona who will play without their head coach this week (covid); and Kupp has a great matchup vs the Giants, which could negate a lot of Stafford's points. Ideal situation is Kupp gets a couple big plays in the first half, the Rams take a two-score lead and just run the ball for the last 20+ minutes. Prediction: Pickle Ricks!! - 132.86 Bring It On Home - 108.77 PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!! SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS!!!!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS The other blockbuster matchup this week is #1 Team Tobin vs #4 PHP. Both these teams are relatively healthy, they have a few Qs but should all play. Tobin had the correct Bucs WR last night and it looks right now like Kareem Hunt is gonna be the man this week with Chubb injured. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!!! JEDI LOLA BUNNY🐰⚔️ vs 🦆DOUBLE🐧 North Korea’s kinda killin it out here these days. Last month the western media gushed over Kim Jong Un’s Adele-esque body transformation. Now, this week The DPRK is really stuntin on us. The WWE Draft was held last week and not a single Korean Wrestler was selected by RAW or SmackDown. Obviously our new-look Skinny Jong-Un is not gonna let this kind of disrespect slide. So the Korean military held an absolutely insane martial arts exhibition that put our asses ON NOTICE! These dudes are breaking cinder blocks with their dicks, fuckin rubbin broken glass on their faces, lettin other dudes beat em with 2x4's... its NUTS! We used to watch ECW wrestling back when the matches were held in fuckin high school gyms and Lyons Club halls in Philly. Those guys were PSYCHOS but they aint got SHIT on these Korean dudes. North Korea's sending a message and we got it loud and clear: they're here to remind Fox Sports, and the entire western world, that when it comes to training mindless drugged-up supermen - Asian dictatorships still can't be beat. JEDI LOLA BUNNY🐰⚔️ WINS!!!!!! SHARON ERTZ vs DELTA BLUES Sharon Ertz took another TOUGH loss last week when they got stuck with a cursed, phony Player of The Week. Fortunately, this week they get the "FREE WIN" against The Commish. Delta Blues is the only team that's been unluckier than Sharon this year. They had a 15 point lead on Fay on Monday and lost when Michael Pittman caught his first TD of the year. That's a bad beat. But now, without Russell, there's only 2 players left on The Commish's squad that ought to be starting in this league - and one of em is the potentially greatly devalued DK Metcalf. The next two weeks DB is playing Tobin and then PHP. Congrats to those guys on the free wins. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!! PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs NO AND THEN! Jalen Hurts scored 3 TDs last night to give NAT the early lead. But PAT is gonna come back - even though they got two deadbeat back-up scrubs for starting RBs - we don't think Paul is dumb enough to start two Giants this week against the Rams. He's gonna bench Toney and start that Monday Night HAMMER - THE PLAYER OF THE WEEK - JULIO JONES LETS GOOOOO~!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2021 WEEK 5!!!!!
FOOD BEEF VI: BURGERS!!!!! This week: 54 Main - Madison, NJ We had to shuffle the Burger Tour schedule this week. Waverly Diner is only open for breakfast and lunch and they close at 2. We rolled up at like 2:02 today and they were closed. That’s OK tho cause we felt like having a beer anyway so we just went another block down and grabbed a table at 54 Main.
54 Main used to be the shit. It’s still pretty cool but it used to be THE BOMB. Food Beef named 54 the Wing Champion back in 2018 but a year later they changed food distributors and the wings got real small and shitty. Nowadays they still have the best beer selection in town but whenever we go now we get “The Madison Burger” and it’s been very consistent.
Today we topped our Madison Burger with pepper jack and bacon, and paired it with a Fiddlehead IPA. Good Lord, that burger was delicious. Somehow, 54 Main always seems to know when Food Beef is on tour. Even though we hit them with a surprise week 5 schedule-flex they still brought their A-Game for the FB Judges Table. On the first bite a deluge of liquid fat poured out onto our plate, so we knew they were on the right track. The flavors were all on point and right away we knew this was a full step above the Bottle Hill Burger from last week. On the second bite we felt a hearty crunch from the FRESH lettuce and tomato, and we were in heaven. This motherfucker hit the SPOT!!! It went along with the IPA perfectly and with that little 2-beer buzz it felt soooo good in our tummy. Just an incredible feeling on a sunny Thursday afternoon. Besides it being corn-fed beef (we prefer grass-fed), this was an ostensibly perfect burger. We were hard pressed to think of any way it coulda been better. See you in the playoffs, 54!!!!! BURGER SCORE: 9.5 SPECIAL ED POWER RANKINGS!!!!! We've got four weeks in the books now, so this is the time of year when we move away from the speculative pre-draft mindset, after four weeks or so we kinda think we know who's good and who's not. That's why we draw up the annual Special Ed Power Rankings after week 4. Last year we named 14 players as "Superstars" but of course we know by the end of the year there were really only 2 RBs and 2 WRs in the top tier. So this year we were a lot more stingy with the Superstar designations. We deemed 7 players as Superstars and Cordarelle Patterson as a borderline Superstar. Patterson is averaging over 18 points per game which has him currently ranked as the #3 RB and #5 WR in our league, and that's crazy. There are only 2 active RBs (Henry and Ekeler) and 3 WRs (Kupp, Tyreek, and DJ Moore) averaging over 20 ppg and only 2 QBs averaging over 25 ppg (Mahomes and Kyler) - so those are your superstars. That's it. Also following the pattern from last year, there are twice as many second-tier "Starters". Last year there were 26 players scoring over 10 pts per game that we were confident would continue to do so - This year there are 52. POWER RANKINGS: Every year around week 4 we line up every WR, RB, QB and TE owned in Special Ed and JUDGE THEM. Based on performance, reputation, and our own gut instinct, every player is put into one of four self-evident categories: SUPERSTAR, STARTER, CAN'T CUT, and INJURED/EXPENDABLE The DYM POWER METRICS are calculated by dividing the number of superstars on your roster by 7 and number of total starters by 7 (for the 7 starting starting positions in a Special Ed line-up) and adding the two percentages together (so that SUPERSTARS count twice) MISS CLEO'S PLAYER OF THE WEEK!!!!! KYLER MURRAY!!!!! MISS CLEO'S PROP BET RECORD: 3-1 AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!! NO AND THEN! vs TOBIN & THE RIPPERS!!!!! AGOTW Prediction Record: 3-1 The highest projected score in this week's matchups and the #1 vs #2 in the standings. LETS GOOOOO!!!!! Giants fans hate being happy. We're still not sure why but they almost all hedge against their own happiness, it's a weird phenomenon. Every year in this league the majority of Cowboys and Washingtons will be on Giants fans' teams. We don't get it - Why do you guys wanna root against your own fantasy team? Not worth it if you ask us. Fortunately our Eagles contingent has always been die-hard homers. This year Tobin took Zeke in the first round; PHP has Dak, CeeDee and Brady; and Paul has Terry, Pollard, and Gainwell. Pickle Ricks and Double Birds wised up and just trusted their guts this year. Tyreek Hill is the only Superstar in this matchup, but he gets Tredavious White in primetime Sunday night so Tobin is gonna need some other dudes to step up this week. Zeke went crazy against Carolina last week but there's no guarantee of a repeat against the Giants. NYG has allowed 2 100 rushing games to RBs but they've also allowed 2 RBs to go over 80 yds receiving this year. So unless the Cowboys get out to a huge early lead this could be a big Tony Pollard game. It looks like they're getting AJ Brown back this week but Julio is still out (as of Thursday) so that's big, No And Then! are total frauds. They are 3-1 despite only scoring over 110 once. Last week they could only manage a paltry 87 points against Team DYM. No And Then! has no Superstars. Aaron Jones is the #4 RB but he's scoring a full 3 points per game less than Ekeler. He's a lot closer to David Montgomery than he is to Derrick Henry. They've also been inadvisably starting Robert Woods and Nyheim Hines every week. It's not even like they have 4 or 5 kinda ok dudes that they play matchups with - they just lock in Woods and Hines every damn week. They've both had like 2 not bad games this year, and Woods is on his way to a not bad game tonight, but this is not a recipe for season-long success. Prediction: Tobin & The Rippers - 117.43 No And Then! - 90.12 TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!! SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS!!!!! JEDI LOLA BUNNY vs PAULS AWESOME TEAM No Superstars in this one, but a great QB matchup. Old-ass half-retired Aaron Rodgers half-assing it against Cincinnati vs The hot new-shit Josh Allen in a primetime shootout at KC. Julio's lookin doubtful, and so is Calvin Ridley, so Paul's probably gonna roll Kyle Pitts against the Jets. He should go Tony Pollard against the Giants tho. The Cowboys also happen to give up more receiving yards than rushing to RBs so that could be a big Saquon game too. Anyway, we picked up Damien Williams on Sunday. Then we snagged Alex Collins and popped him in the starting lineup last minute tonight. Don't really know why. Probably shouldn't have had IPAs at lunch, but c'est la vie. If he doesn't fall into the endzone in the second half we might be in trouble. We love Hollywood Brown vs Indy and the Manny Sanders stack at KC. We think this one's gonna be close so we're always picking the home team. JEDI LOLA BUNNY WINS!!!!! DELTA BLUES vs PICKLE RICKS!! The Commish is blowing his load on Thursday night which is always a bad look. DK got an early TD but the stack is gonna need a big second half. Fortunately for him Fay is also sacrificing his WR1 at the TNF alter this week too. Both these teams have shitty FLEXes this week with a bunch of injurinos on the bench resting up for the second half of the season. At 1-3 The Commish should really consider trading Michael Thomas. That's one of the few guys out there that one could still trade even though he hasn't done anything yet. Like there's no way we could get a decent RB back for Allen Robinson now even though a couple weeks ago he had as high a second half ceiling as Mike Tom. Somethin to think about. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!! BRING IT ON HOME vs 🦅DOUBLE🦜 BIOH has Stafford and Rams D tonight so they're starting in a hole. But Double Birdo's projection is way too high with Cook and Jacobs both "playing through" ankle injuries and Mahomes and CEH facing the vaunted Bills defense in PRIMETIME. This could be a low scoring affair. Cordarelle gotta put the team on his back. 🦤DOUBLE🕊 WINS!!!!! SHARON ERTZ vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS PHP is the #1 team in Special Ed Power Ranking but they've fallen on hard times recently - losing two straight and averaging about 100 per game the last two weeks. Obviously PHP drafted a lotta ballers, their problem now is roster management. They have two starting QBs, which as Marv Levy said, means they don't have one. See like our team has two QBs but one of them's garbage. Dave has two QBs but they both suck! That's how ya do it!! Can't have two good QBs. He's also never started Brandin Cooks even though he's the highest scoring WR on the team. It's ridiculous. This is the highest scoring team in the league, and they leave like a hundred points on the bench every week. Even if Matt does figure it out this week, he's gonna run into the buzzsaw that is Miss Cleo's Player of the Week Kylo Murray. Sharon Ertz has lost three straight but this is their week!!!!! Gibson gets it goin in a shootout with New Orleans, and Jonathan Taylor SZN has officially begun last week. Then it's Diggs vs Moss on Sunday night. But we think Kylo puts this one out of reach before then. DI CARDS DEM NEVAH LIE!!!!! SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2021 WEEK 4!!!!
DUMPSTER DIVER OF THE WEEK - Pickle Ricks!! PICK-UP(s) OF THE WEEK - C-Mac & Josh Gordon!!!! Pickle Ricks's season is off to a SCORCHING HOT start. After three weeks they are 2-1 with a league-leading 2 DDOTW awards!! Plus, they just pulled off one of the great BLOCKBUSTER TRADES in recent Special Ed History. Great Job Dave!!!! We love dave's team right now. He drafted the #1 sexy pass-catching rookie RB and traded him for the GOAT #1 Overall pick, and got another sexy rookie RB back in the deal. AND He's still got our guy Ekeler, and lazer-eyes Jameis, and now our favorite player of all time - Josh Gordon. Even the guys we don't like on this team (like Kupp and Mike Evans) are ballin out. Crazy. It's a long season, tho. And DYM Readers know it's awfully dangerous to get hot too early in the season. That's why today's trade was so brilliant. By trading for a guy that won't play for a couple weeks he's using his early-season heat energy to manufacture a mid-to-late-season hot streak. He's playin 3-D chess out here and we're all playin checkers. Every time Josh Gordon gets reinstated it's gonna be headline DYM news. But we actually have more realistic hopes for Josh's success than we have for at least a few years now. Obviously KC is the best offense he's ever been a part of and they happen to have a glaring need for a WR2, so there are targets waiting for him whenever he gets on the field. But, DID YOU KNOW that unlike past off-seasons where Josh has been just sitting on his ass in rehab, he actually played professional football last year? Josh made an appearance for the ZAPPERS of the Fan Controlled Football League. Check out the highlights right here - Our guy still got it!!!! FOOD BEEF VI - BURGERS!!!!!! It's WEEK FOUR which means it's LUNCH TIME IN AMERICA and Food Beef is back once again!!!!!! This year we're going to review an American icon - the essential staple food of all DYM backyard cookouts - THE HAMBURGER!!!!!! Of course there are a million places to get a decent burger, so we're looking at a hyper-local, yet diverse field. We found eight potential nominees right here in our town, but they run the gamut from bars to diners - there's even a pizza place on our list!! Two of the bars on the list were also top contenders for BEST WINGS a couple years ago, and the pizza place is our current go-to but some people say their burgers are even better! CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT!!! There were only 3 requirements for our nominees: At least 4 stars on yelp or google maps Burger on the menu for less than $16 Take-out or delivery available Here's the Food Beef Burger Tour Schedule: Week 4 - Bottle Hill Tavern - 4.3 stars $12 Week 5 - Waverly Restaurant - 4.2 $10 Week 6 - 5 Guys - 4.6 stars $9 Week 7 - River Grille - 4.5 stars $13 Week 8 - Habit Burger Grill 4.4 stars $10 Week 9 - 54 Main - 4.2 stars $13 Week 10 - Nicky’s Firehouse - 4.4 stars $13 Week 11 - Prospect Tavern - 4.4 stars $15 As always the playoffs will feature the top 4 scoring burgers facing off in a 2-week playoff tournament in weeks 12 and 13. We're getting the festivities underway here tonight with a downtown Madison favorite - BOTTLE HILL TAVERN!!!!!! Bottle Hill Tavern used to be this hole-in-wall spot called Poor Herbies. Herbies was one of the first places in Madison where Jeff Ertz did an open mic, and we picked the draft order of the 2018 draft there. Now it's totally different tho. It's a real nice restaurant now with specialty cocktails and all that. People love it these days, it's always packed, but we've only been back a couple times since the remodel. Tonight we got a couple beers at the bar then took take-out burgers back to the home office. We both agreed this was a very good overall burger but we were not blown away by the flavor. It had a nice standard potato bread bun and the burger had nearly the exact same circumference as the bun. This made for a structurally solid burger, but the patty was about 2" thick which threw off the meat-to-bun ratio. Also we estimate this to be about a 90/10 ground beef, and with that tick of a patty we really coulda used more fat. Amari said the waffle fries were the "best thing ever." Maulbeck - 8 DYM - 8 Amari - 8 (burger - 4/fries - 12) Total Burger Score - 8 MISS CLEO'S PLAYER OF THE WEEK!!!! TYREEK HILL!!!! Miss Cleo's Prop Bet Record: 2-1 AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!! PICKLE RICKS vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS!!!! AGOTW Prediction Record: 2-1 PR and PHP are the highest scoring teams in our league the last two weeks, so they were the two teams we tried to send C-Mac's busted ass to. PHP was hesitant to give up Diggs, but we'll keep knocking on that door. To get the deal done with PR we had to include both Carolina RBs cause he only had 2 on the roster. FantasyPros says Dave won but we'll see what the Mac Daddy looks like when he gets back. In the meantime we both have sexy sexy rookie RBs to roll out this week💋. Dave might have to bench Kittle this week, he's a legit Q after a limited week of practice. But he's got great matchups including Jameis at home against the Giants. This matchup is gonna come down to the Brady vs Patriots game Sunday night. Matt has the Brady-Godwin stack but that could be negated by a big big Mike Evans game. Regardless of that outcome, Dave's got the Monday night hammer with Ekeler and Vegas defense. Prediction: PICKLE RICKS - 138.54 POLK HIGH PANTHERS - 131.98 PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!! SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS!!!! 🐦 double 🐦 vs DELTA BLUES We're watching The Sopranos Movie on HBOMax right now. The first half hour is pretty amazing, but Ray Liotta was the best part and he's already dead. Could go downhill quickly. DELTA BLUES WINS!!!! BRING IT ON HOME vs PAULS AWESOME TEAM HOLY SHIT RAY LIOTTA'S BACK!!! LETS GOOOOO!!!!!! Damn, this movie's got everything. Cool sixties clothes, Ray Liotta, old timey racism, another Ray Liotta. Fuckin five stars!!! BRING IT ON HOME WINS!!!! SHARON ERTZ vs TOBIN & THE RIPPERS Every team that made a trade last week lost. One of these guys has to win this week - and there's no way Miss Cleo's Player of the Week loses three straight in this league. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!! JEDI LOLA BUNNY🐰⚔️ vs NO AND THEN! DYM'S GOT A NEW LOOK SQUAD AND THE BASEBALL CURSE IS OVER!!!! JEDI LOLA BUNNY WINS🐰⚔️!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2021 WEEK 3!!!
What's up, Special Ed?! We're pretty fuckin pissed off right now. We just came across a feature on Rolling Stone dot com entitled "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time", and holy shit, you guys. The list is patently absurd. We know they're gaslighting us but, boy, we took that fuckin bait. We got triggered like a motherfucker off that fucking article. First of all there's only one song on here from before 1950, so no Mozart, no Verdi, and none of that Chinese lady from Bill & Ted 3. So, according to this list Time After Time and Back That Azz Up are "better songs" than every aria in every Italian opera. OK, fine, whatever. So it's like "The 500 Greatest Pop Songs From The Western Hemisphere of The Last 70 Years". But even within those parameters the selections and rankings are all over the place. Like, that Lil' Nas X song made the cut, but no Nas songs somehow. Missy Elliott's Get Your Freak On is the #8 song "of all time". We love that song - it was our ringtone in 2002 - but come one now. It's not a better song than Purple Rain (#18) or Strange Fruit (#21). We get that this is all just somebody's opinion, and there's probably no one right answer, but opinions can also be wrong. This ranking is some anti-vax level wrong opinions. Like, you're entitled to like whatever; it's a free country and shit but, like, you're wrong. We'll copy the whole list down at the bottom if you guys wanna drive yourselves fuckin nuts. We've got a blog-worth of qualms with just the top 20, so let's run em down: 1 - Respect - Aretha Franklin - 1967 Not a wrong answer. We just wanna point out here the biggest snub of all snubs on this list: There are zero (0) Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons songs. None. They wrote a play about these guys and the whole story was about their fucking genius music writing process and how fucking innovative they were. And like, yo, they got some fuckin JAMS, duke. Big Girls Don't Cry?! Walk Like a Man?! Can't Take My Eyes Off You?! Who the fuck skipped over all these and voted for Groove is in The Heart? Seriously. Hope these people all get breakthrough COVID in their dickholes. Our pick for #1 Song of All Songs woulda been The Four Seasons' 1964 hit Dawn (go away). There's so much pain and self-loathing in this song it's incredible. Kirk Cobain didn't hate himself half as much as Frankie Valli did. Fuckin epic jam. 2 - Fight the Power - Public Enemy - 1989 We love that Public Enemy cracked the top 5, (Chuck D is a top-5-dead-or-alive rapper) but this isn't the best PE song. It's a very good song, but for pure sonacity, there are several better songs on It Takes A Nation of Millions. Our favorites are Bring The Noise (#397) or Louder Than a Bomb (unranked). And their best political track was By The Time I Get to Arizona, and that shit fucking bangs too. 3 - A Change is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke - 1964 4 - Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan - 1965 5 - Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana -1991 These last two are kinda fishy to us. Like, Dylan and Nirvana were both influential, era-defining acts so you we guess one would wanna get em on the list, but we're pretty sure that Smells Like Teen Spirit is not any Nirvana fan's favorite Nirvana song, and the same is probably true for Dylan fans and Rolling Stone. These are square picks. The public driving the lines up way too high here. We think the best Nirvana song is About A Girl, but to be honest we're pretty sure we can find 500 better songs out there. They don't need to be in the top 10. 6 - What’s Goin’ On? - Marvin Gaye - 1971 7 - Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles - 1967 This is an OK choice. Close. They got the right album - Sgt. Peppers is the best Beatles album. But the best song is Sgt. Peppers (reprise) - it's a little 80 second trip back in time to that old Hard Days Night sound. A real treat. 8 - Get Your Freak On - Missy Elliott - 2001 Quick reminder: Everything after this point is a worse song than Get Your Freak On, according to Rolling Stone. 9 - Dreams - Fleetwood Mac - 1977 10 - Hey Ya! - Outkast - 2003 Another very square pick. This song isn't even in the top 500 Outkast songs. There are two other Outkast songs on the list - Bombs over Baghdad (39), and Ms. Jackson (145) - and they aren't even the best square Outkast songs. The best corny Outkast song is The Whole World (unranked) - which won a fucking Grammy!! But anybody that actually likes Outkast woulda picked either Elevators, ATLiens or 2 Dope Boyz. Obviously. 11 - God Only Knows - Beach Boys - 1966 Square as fuck. The best Beach Boys song is California Girls, and it's not close. Fuck outta here. 12 - Superstition - Stevie Wonder - 1972 This is really, for real, one of the best songs ever. There's no reason to put Nirvana in the top 5, they weren't actually good. 13 - Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones - 1969 We remember back in the day Rolling Stone did like a Best Rock & Roll Songs Ever and Satisfaction was #1. On this list it's #31, right in between Royals (Lorde - 2011) and Juicy (BIG - 1994). Sure, fuck it. Why not? 14 - Waterloo Sunset - The Kinks - 1967 IDK, seems high. 15 - I Want to Hold Your Hand - The Beatles - 1963 I Want to Hold Your Hand is the Smells Like Teen Spirit of Beatles songs. Lame pick. Frankie Valli's got a dozens of better songs than this. 16 - Crazy in Love - Beyonce ft. Jay-Z - 2003 The first Jay-Z/Beyonce collabo was more of a cultural moment than a great song. There's one other Jay song on the list - 99 Problems (#96) - which, like many of the rap songs on here, is nobody's favorite song, but probably the only Jay-Z song that a lotta squares can name. Come to think of it we're surprised that New York song with Alicia Keys didn't make it on the list, people loved that song. Anyway. The CORRECT PICK here woulda been Single Ladies, which was disrespectfully ranked #228. 17 - Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen - 1975 Sometimes the squares are right. 18 - Purple Rain - Prince - 1984 Jesus. WTF. Come on. We're just getting to Prince now? Prince is ranked 18? AFTER Queen?! After Outkast?!?! Andre fucking 3000 never woulda been allowed to exist on this earth if it wasn't for Prince. Fuck this shit. The best Prince album was actually NOT Purple Rain. It was 1992's "Love Symbol Album". You got My Name is Prince, Sexy Motherfucker, 7, fuckin he did a reggae song on there that bangs. All that shit. 19 - Imagine - John Lennon - 1971 We read that John Lennon helped Bowie write Fame. That's a fuckin jam right there. It's not on the list, though. There are seven Bowie songs on the list, Heroes at #23 is the highest ranked. We might coulda put a Bowie song in the top 20, but our personal favorite is the gleefully dystopian Oh! You Pretty Things - it's a song about human evolution! 20 - Dancing on My Own - Robyn - 2010 To us Robyn's career started and ended in 1997 with Show Me Love. That's one of the Z100 classics that'd get stuck in our head ALL DAY in high school. We only recently learned that Robyn was NOT a one-hit wonder. Apparently gay dudes are really into her. Who knew?! NEW STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!!!!! LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (no spoilers) You guys, Star Wars Visions fucking RULES!!!!!!!! The great thing about this anthology is that there's a wide variety of different Jedi and Sith origin stories - and none of them are Palpatines or Skywalkers. We finally got the democratized power of the force that we predicted would be featured in Episode IX. Back then we thought "Rey Nobody" and "Broom Boy" were gonna be a thing, so we've been into this concept for a while, and now we can see it play out on screen for the first time. Now anyone can be a Jedi. When we see so many different permutations of force powers, the line between the dark side and the light becomes very thin - Jedi can be passionate, and Sith can be empathetic. But most importantly, Visions is also the sexiest Star War ever - Lola Bunny is a Jedi, General Grievous is a hot little blonde chick, and there's a bunch of other hot Jedi/Sith chicks that wear high heels and coronavirus masks like Kitana from Mortal Kombat. aw yea. get some. let's go. MISS CLEO'S PLAYER OF THE WEEK!!! JUSTIN JEFFERSON!!! AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!! DELTA BLUES vs PAULS AWESOME TEAM!!! AGOTW Prediction Record: 2-0 Last week we said Sharon Ertz needed to pull off a trade ASAP, and he responded with a BLOCKBUSTER! Chubb is ostensibly the best player in the trade, so Paul won. But this was a good trade for both parties. Rob got a solid WR2 in Higgins so he'll be starting both the guys he got in the deal. Chubb has 3 TDs this season but fewer rushing attempts than Taylor. The Colts also have a softer schedule and a better offensive line than the Browns, so there's still a ton of upside for JT. Paul and The Commish are both 0-2, but both have scored over 120 once. We think only one of them will put up that big big score this week. The Commish will get maybe the very best matchup of the year for The Seahawks stack. But he also has some tough flex choices this week with Eli Mitch being a hard Q and Davonte Smith still being 12 years old. They'll probly try to squeeze a little juice out of Mike Davis and Laviska and make it close. Prediction: PAULS AWESOME TEAM - 120.01 DELTA BLUES - 117.97 PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS!!! SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS!!! SHARON ERTZ vs NO AND THEN! JT vs Hines showdown!! Why does Mike have 3 backup RBs and a backup QB? ugly team. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs PICKLE RICKS!! The second trade of the week came in just ahead of the DYM editorial deadline. The negotiations kept us from publishing before the start of the Thursday game. We'll consider that serendipity because it also prevented us from picking C Mac as the Player of The Week. Dodged a bullet there. The trade was very solid cause both teams had glaring needs and both got what we wanted in the deal. Tobin needed an RB2 and Kareem Hunt is THE archetypal RB2 in Miss Cleo's fantasy tarot deck. He's by far the most talented non-starting RB in the league, so he's gonna make the most of all his touches. The Browns were among the highest rushing volume offenses last year and has one of the best offensive lines, so he'll get somewhat reliable rushing opportunity too. Tobin also got Mr. Big Chest as a replacement WR3. We said a couple weeks ago that we think AB is actually the best Bucs WR and we still think that's true despite the slow game in Atlanta. That was obviously a Leonard Fournette game anyway. AB tested positive for COVID this week but we heard that everybody on the Bucs is vaccinated so he should only miss one game. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!! JEDI LOLA BUNNY vs BRING IT ON HOME Team DYM needed a WR upgrade, badly. We were more than happy to take the buy-low opportunity on Allen Robinson. That's our guy. We're really not concerned with the 2 slow weeks cause we know the Bears' season really begins this week when Justin Fields makes his first start. If this works out for us we're gonna be out there selling Josh Allen dirt cheap next week. Holla! We wanted to pick ourselves out of spite cause BIOH benched Miss Cleo's Player of the Week. But then we lost C-Mac and remembered we're still cursed until Monday. BRING IT ON HOME WINS!!! 🌶MAJINS FAMOUS DOUGS🌶 vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS Jeez Louise, everybody on Doug's team is hurt this week. Sony Michele time!!! POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!! THE 500 GREATEST SONG OF ALL TIME 1 - Respect - Aretha Franklin 2 - Fight the Power - Public Enemy 3 - A Change is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke 4 - Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan 5 - Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana 6 - What’s Goin’ On? - Marvin Gaye 7 - Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles 8 - Get Your Freak On - Missy Elliott 9 - Dreams - Fleetwood Mac 10 - Hey Ya! - Outkast 11 - God Only Knows - Beach Boys 12 - Superstition - Stevie Wonder 13 - Gimme Shelter - Stones 14 - Waterloo Sunset - The Kinks 15 - I Want to Hold Your Hand - The Beatles 16 - Crazy in Love - Beyonce 17 - Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen 18 - Purple Rain - Prince 19 - Imagine - John Lennon 20 - Dancing on My Own - Robyn 21 - Strange Fruit - Billie Holiday 22 - Be My Baby - Ronettes 23 - ’Heroes’ - David Bowie 24 - A Day in the Life - The Beatles 25 - Runaway - Kanye West 26 - A Case of You - Joni Mitchell 27 - Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen 28 - Once in a Lifetime - Talking Heads 29 - Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang - Dr. Dre 30 - Royals - Lorde 31 - Satisfaction - Rolling Stones 32 - Juicy - Notorious B.I.G. 33 - Johnny B. Goode - Chuck Berry 34 - Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag - James Brown 35 - Tutti Frutti - Little Richard 36 - Seven Nation Army - White Stripes 37 - When Doves Cry - Prince 38 - (Sittin’ on) The Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding 39 - B.O.B. - Outkast 40 - All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix 41 - Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division 42 - Redemption Song - Bob Marley 43 - My Girl - Temptations 44 - Billie Jean - Michael Jackson 45 - Alright - Kendrick Lamar 46 - Paper Planes - M.I.A. 47 - Tiny Dancer - Elton John 48 - Idioteque - Radiohead 49 - Doo Wop (That Thing) - Lauryn Hill 50 - Gasolina - Daddy Yankee 51 - Walk on By - Dionne Warwick 52 - I Feel Love - Donna Summer 53 - Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys 54 - The Tracks of My Tears - The Miracles 55 - Like a Prayer - Madonna 56 - Work It - Missy Elliott 57 - Family Affair - Sly and the Family Stone 58 - The Weight - The Band 59 - The Message - Grandmaster Flash 60 - Running Up That Hill - Kate Bush 61 - Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin 62 - One - U2 63 - Jolene - Dolly Parton 64 - Blitzkrieg Bop - The Ramones 65 - September - Earth, Wind & Fire 66 - Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon and Garfunkel 67 - Tangled Up in Blue - Bob Dylan 68 - Good Times - Chic 69 - All Too Well - Taylor Swift 70 - Suspicious Minds - Elvis 71 - Fast Car - Tracy Chapman 72 - Yesterday - The Beatles 73 - Formation - Beyonce 74 - Hallelujah - Leonard Cohen 75 - Common People - Pulp 76 - I Walk the Line - Johnny Cash 77 - Roadrunner - Modern Lovers 78 - Reach Out (I’ll Be There) - The Four Tops 79 - Back to Black - Amy Winehouse 80 - What’d I Say - Ray Charles 81 - I’m Waiting for the Man - Velvet Underground 82 - Rolling in the Deep - Adele 83 - Desolation Row - Bob Dylan 84 - Let’s Stay Together - Al Green 85 - Kiss - Prince 86 - Tumbling Dice - The Rolling Stones 87 - All My Friends - LCD Soundsystem 88 - Sweet Child O’ Mine - Guns ‘N’ Roses 89 - Hey Jude - The Beatles 90 - You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman - Aretha Franklin 91 - Int’l Players Anthem (I Choose You) - UKG 92 - Good Golly Miss Molly - Little Richard 93 - Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson 94 - I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston 95 - Wonderwall - Oasis 96 - 99 Problems - Jay-Z 97 - Gloria - Patti Smith 98 - In My Life - The Beatles 99 - ‘Stayin’ Alive - Bee Gees 100 - Blowin’ in the Wind - Bob Dylan 101 - Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs 102 - Maybelline - Chuck Berry 103 - You Oughta Know - Alanis Morisette 104 - I Want You Back - Jackson 5 105 - Life on Mars? - David Bowie 106 - Sympathy for the Devil - The Rolling Stones 107 - C.R.E.A.M. - Wu-Tang Clan 108 - Just Like Heaven - The Cure 109 - Everyday People - Sly and the Family Stone 110 - Something - The Beatles 111 - Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen 112 - Losing My Religion - REM 113 - Higher Ground - Stevie Wonder 114 - Toxic - Britney Spears 115 - At Last - Etta James 116 - It Takes Two - Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock 117 - I Say a Little Prayer - Aretha Franklin 118 - Creep - Radiohead 119 - I Heard It Through the Grapevine - Marvin Gaye 120 - Oh Bondage! Up Yours! - X-Ray Spex 121 - Let It Be - The Beatles 122 - People Get Ready - Impressions 123 - This Must Be the Place (Naïve Melody) - Talking Heads 124 - That’ll Be the Day - Buddy Holly 125 - Anarchy in the U.K. - The Sex Pistols 126 - Freedom! ‘90’ - George Michael 127 - Waterfalls - TLC 128 - Whole Lotta Love - Led Zeppelin 129 - Hold On We’re Going Home - Drake 130 - Dancing in the Street - Martha and the Vandellas 131 - Stand by Me - Ben E. King 132 - Paid in Full - Eric B. and Rakim 133 - Don’t Stop Believin’ - Journey 134 - What’s Love Got to Do With It - Tina Turner 135 - She Loves You - The Beatles 136 - Try a Little Tenderness - Otis Redding 137 - Thank U, Next - Arianna Grande 138 - Heart of Glass - Blondie 139 - Vogue - Madonna 140 - No Woman No Cry - Bob Marley 141 - Maggie May - Rod Stewart 142 - He Stopped Loving Her Today - George Jones 143 - London Calling - The Clash 144 - Jumpin’ Jack Flash - Rolling Stones 145 - Ms. Jackson - Outkast 146 - Fire and Rain - James Taylor 147 - Blueberry Hill - Fats Domino 148 - Kashmir - Led Zeppelin 149 - Rocket Man - Elton John 150 - Basket Case - Green Day 151 - Will You Love Me Tomorrow - Shirelles 152 - Proud Mary - CCR 153 - Super Freak - James Brown 154 - Spoonful - Howlin’ Wolf 155 - Last Nite - The Strokes 156 - Louie Louie - The Kinsgmen 157 - Teenage Riot - Sonic Youth 158 - Cissy Strut - Meters 159 - Baba O’Riley - The Who 160 - Nightswimming - R.E.M. 161 - Into the Groove - Madonna 162 - Pink Moon - Nick Drake 163 - Landslide - Fleetwood Mac 164 - Mr. Tambourine Man - Bob Dylan 165 - I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry - Hank Williams 166 - All the Young Dudes - Mott the Hoople 167 - Lose Yourself - Eminem 168 - ‘Son of a Preacher Man - Dusty Springfield 169 - American Girl - Tom Petty 170 - In the Still of the Nite - Five Satins 171 - What a Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong 172 - Mississippi Goddam - Nina Simone 173 - Marquee Moon - Television 174 - Radio Free Europe - R.E.M. 175 - I Only Have Eyes for You - Flamingos 176 - You Really Got Me - The Kinks 177 - Jump - Van Halen 178 - Bad Guy - Billie Eilish 179 - Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd 180 - Walk on the Wild Side - Lou Reed 181 - Eight Miles High - The Byrds 182 - The Sounds of Silence - Simon and Garfunkel 183 - You Are the Sunshine of My Life - Stevie Wonder 184 - Nothing Compares to U - Sinead O’Connor 185 - Beat It - Michael Jackson 186 - I’ll Take You There - Staple Singers 187 - Subterranean Homesick Blues - Bob Dylan 188 - Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix 189 - Space Oddity - David Bowie 190 - Fuck the Police - N.W.A. 191 - Ode to Billie Joe - Bobby Gentry 192 - Mind Playing Tricks on Me - Geto Boys 193 - Wild Horses - Rolling Stones 194 - Rid of Me - PJ Harvey 195 - Crazy - Patsy Cline 196 - Sex Machine - James Brown 197 - I Can’t Stand the Rain - Ann Peebles 198 - Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye 199 - Dream On - Aerosmith 200 - Changes - David Bowie 201 - Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash 202 - Your Song - Elton John 203 - Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I’m Yours - Stevie Wonder 204 - Young Americans - David Bowie 205 - …Baby One More Time - Britney Spears 206 - Wichita Lineman - Glen Campbell 207 - Killing in the Name - Rage Against the Machine 208 - Doll Parts - Hole 209 - Boys of Summer - Don Henley 210 - One Nation Under a Groove - Funkadelic 211 - With or Without You - U2 212 - More Than a Feeling - Boston 213 - Paint It Black - The Rolling Stones 214 - Deacon Blues - Steely Dan 215 - Shook Ones (Pt. II) - Mobb Deep 216 - Jailhouse Rock - Elvis 217 - Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks 218 - In the Midnight Hour - Wilson Pickett 219 - Free Fallin’ - Tom Petty 220 - Bizarre Love Triangle - New Order 221 - River Deep – Mountain High - Ike and Tina Turner 222 - Suite: Judy Blue Eyes - Crosby, Stills & Nash 223 - Stan - Eminem 224 - Layla - Derek and the Dominoes 225 - Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell 226 - There Is a Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths 227 - Fortunate Son - CCR 228 - Single Ladies - Beyonce 229 - This Land is Your Land - Woody Guthrie 230 - Mr. Tambourine Man - The Byrds 231 - I Wanna Dance with Somebody - Whitney Houston 232 - My Generation - The Who 233 - Groove Is in the Heart - Deee-Lite 234 - You Keep Me Hangin’ On - Supremes 235 - Blue Monday - New Order 236 - Lean on Me - Bill Withers 237 - Your Cheatin’ Heart - Hank Williams 238 - Are You That Somebody - Aaliyah 239 - September Gurls - Big Star 240 - I Want It That Way - Backstreet Boys 241 - The Humpty Dance - The Digital Underground 242 - Great Balls of Fire - Jerry Lee Lewis 243 - Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles 244 - Summer Babe (Winter Version) - Pavement 245 - Sabotage - Beastie Boys 246 - Ooh La La - Faces 247 - River - Joni Mitchell 248 - Straight Outta Compton - N.W.A. 249 - Bad Reputation - Joan Jett 250 - Purple Haze - Jimi Hendrix 251 - I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor 252 - Flash Light - Parliament 253 - Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain - Willie Nelson 254 - Stop! In the Name of Love - The Supremes 255 - Coal Miner’s Daughter - Loretta Lynn 256 - Master of Puppets - Metallica 257 - Heat Wave - Martha and the Vandellas 258 - The Revolution Will Not Be Televised - Gil-Scott Heron 259 - Heart of Gold - Neil Young 260 - Get Up Stand Up - The Wailers 261 - Pusherman - Curtis Mayfield 262 - American Tune - Paul Simon 263 - Coat of Many Colors - Dolly Parton 264 - Let’s Get It On - Marvin Gaye 265 - Left of the Dial - The Replacements 266 - King Tubby Meets the Rockers Uptown - Augustus Pablo 267 - Take Care - Drake 268 - Shout (Parts 1 and 2) - The Isley Brothers 269 - Unchained Melody - The Righteous Brothers 270 - Closer - Nine Inch Nails 271 - A Whiter Shade of Pale - Procol Harum 272 - The Boys are Back in Town - Thin Lizzy 273 - Killing Me Softly With His Song - Roberta Flack 274 - Love and Happiness - Al Green 275 - Sail Away - Randy Newman 276 - Ever Fallen in Love - Buzzcocks 277 - Bo Diddley - Bo Diddley 278 - Pressure Drop - Toots and the Maytals 279 - Karma Police - Radiohead 280 - Penny Lane - The Beatles 281 - Grindin - Clipse 282 - Never Tear Us Apart - INXS 283 - Georgia On My Mind - Ray Charles 284 - Suzanne - Leonard Cohen 285 - Say My Name - Destiny’s Child 286 - Dancing Queen - ABBA 287 - You Shook Me All Night Long - AC/DC 288 - That’s the Joint - The Funky Four Plus One 289 - Atlantic City - Bruce Springsteen 290 - Yeah - Usher 291 - In the Air Tonight - Phil Collins 292 - Can I Kick it - A Tribe Called Quest 293 - School’s Out - Alice Cooper 294 - Sweet Jane - Velvet Underground 295 - Won’t Get Fooled Again - The Who 296 - Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill 297 - Wouldn’t It Be Nice - Beach Boys 298 - Jungleland - Bruce Springsteen 299 - I Put a Spell on You - Jay Hawkins 300 - Rock Lobster - B-52s 301 - Night Moves - Bob Seger 302 - Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd 303 - No Scrubs - TLC 304 - Trans-Europe Express - Kraftwerk 305 - Every Breath You Take - The Police 306 - Chain of Fools - Aretha Franklin 307 - Crazy - Gnarls Barkley 308 - Divorce Song - Liz Phair 309 - Ain’t No Sunshine - Bill Withers 310 - Light My Fire - The Doors 311 - Hotel California - Eagles 312 - Walk on By - Isaac Hayes 313 - The Tears of a Clown - Smokey Robinson and the Miracles 314 - I Wanna Be Your Dog - The Stooges 315 - Part 1 – Acknowledgement - John Coltrane 316 - Leader of the Pack - Shangri-Las 317 - Visions of Johanna - Bob Dylan 318 - Hound Dog - Big Mama Thornton 319 - Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears 320 - California Love - 2Pac 321 - I Still Haven’t Found - U2 322 - After the Gold Rush - Neil Young 323 - All I Have to Do Is Dream - Everly Brothers 324 - Scenes from an Italian Restaurant - Billy Joel 325 - Lust for Life - Iggy Pop 326 - Portions for Foxes - Rilo Kiley 327 - Real Love - Mary J. Blige 328 - Under the Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers 329 - Safaera - Bad Bunny 330 - Big Poppa - The Notorious B.I.G. 331 - Please Mr. Postman - The Marvelettes 332 - Umbrella - Rihanna 333 - Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone - The Temptations 334 - Ripple - Grateful Dead 335 - Move Your Body (The House Music Anthem) - Marshall Jefferson 336 - She’s Gone - Hall and Oates 337 - Believe - Cher 338 - Paranoid - Black Sabbath 339 - 1999 - Prince 340 - (White Man) in Hammersmith Palais - The Clash 341 - I’m a Believer - Monkees 342 - Promised Land - Chuck Berry 343 - What a Fool Believes - The Doobie Brothers 344 - Iron Man - Black Sabbath 345 - It’s Too Late - Carole King 346 - Dynamite - BTS 347 - Heartbreak Hotel - Elvis 348 - Virginia Plain - Roxy Music 349 - Time of the Season - Zombies 350 - Angel in Montgomery - John Prine 351 - Ponta De Lanca Africano (Umbabarauma) - Jorge Ben 352 - It Was a Good Day - Ice Cube 353 - Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - The Eurythmics 354 - Rock With You - Michael Jackson 355 - Don’t Leave Me This Way - Thelma Houston 356 - Surrender - Cheap Trick 357 - Blank Space - Taylor Swift 358 - Because the Night - Patti Smith 359 - Killing Me Softly with His Song - The Fugees 360 - Little Red Corvette - Prince 361 - The Harder They Come - Jimmy Cliff 362 - Merry Go Round - Kacey Musgraves 363 - Could You Be Loved - Bob Marley 364 - Box of Rain - Grateful Dead 365 - God Save the Queen - The Sex Pistols 366 - Da Doo Run Run - The Crystals 367 - Thinkin’ About You - Frank Ocean 368 - Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden 369 - Just What I Needed - The Cars 370 - Peggy Sue - Buddy Holly 371 - Bennie and the Jets - Elton John 372 - I Can’t Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt 373 - Hotline Bling - Drake 374 - Be Thankful for What You Got - William DeVaughn 375 - Up On the Roof - Drifters 376 - Mama Tried - Merle Haggard 377 - Pictures of You - The Cure 378 - Mr. Brightside - The Killers 379 - Untitled (How Does It Feel) - D’Angelo 380 - Radiation Vibe - Fountains of Wayne 381 - Typical Girls - The Slits 382 - Paper Bag - Fiona Apple 383 - Redbone - Childish Gambino 384 - I Like It - Cardi B 385 - I’m Coming Out - Diana Ross 386 - Lola - The Kinks 387 - Personality Crisis - The New York Dolls 388 - Party Up (Up in Here) - DMX 389 - Brass in Pocket - Pretenders 390 - Enter Sandman - Metallica 391 - Springsteen - Eric Church 392 - Fix You - Coldplay 393 - Say It Loud - James Brown 394 - Grace - Jeff Buckley 395 - Planet Rock - Afrika Bambaataa 396 - Alison - Elvis Costello 397 - Bring the Noise - Public Enemy 398 - Hungry Like the Wolf - Duran Duran 399 - You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real) - Sylvester 400 - Station to Station - David Bowie 401 - Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac 402 - Lovely Day - Bill Withers 403 - Ain’t Nobody - Rufus and Chaka Khan 404 - Rock and Roll All Nite - Kiss 405 - Amor Prohibido - Selena 406 - Sucker MC’s - Run-DMC 407 - Free Bird - Skynyrd 408 - Father and Son - Cat Stevens 409 - Everlong - Foo Fighters 410 - Whipping Post - Allman Brother’s Band 411 - Heavy Metal Drummer - Wilco 412 - Buffalo Stance - Neneh Cherry 413 - Gloria - Them 414 - Dreaming - Blondie 415 - Enjoy the Silence - Depeche Mode 416 - Alive - Pearl Jam 417 - Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson 418 - Green Onions - Booker T 419 - Fantasy - Mariah Carey 420 - California Dreamin’ - Mamas and the Papas 421 - How Soon Is Now - The Smiths 422 - Flava in Your Ear - Craig Mack 423 - Criminal - Fiona Apple 424 - No Diggity - Blackstreet 425 - Mannish Boy - Muddy Waters 426 - Super Bass - Nicki Minaj 427 - Rapper’s Delight - Sugarhill Gang 428 - Sign of the Times - Harry Styles 429 - Under Pressure - Queen and David Bowie 430 - They Reminiscence Over You - Pete Rock and CL Smooth 431 - Adore - Prince 432 - Summertime Blues - Eddie Cochran 433 - West End Girls - Pet Shop Boys 434 - Sheena Is a Punk Rocker - Ramones 435 - Limelight - Rush 436 - Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen 437 - Passionate Kisses - Lucinda Williams 438 - Savage (Remix) - Megan Thee Stallion feat. Beyonce 439 - La Vida Es un Carnaval - Celia Cruz 440 - If I Ain’t Got You - Alicia Keys 441 - The House That Built Me - Miranda Lambert 442 - Ace of Spades - Motorhead 443 - Sugar, We’re Going Down - Fall Out Boy 444 - In Da Club - 50 Cent 445 - Cosmic Dancer - T. Rex 446 - Rosalita - Bruce Springsteen 447 - Help! - The Beatles 448 - Tyrone - Erykah Badu 449 - Don’t Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult 450 - Powderfinger - Neil Young 451 - Bad and Boujee - Migos 452 - Africa - Toto 453 - The Rain - Missy Elliot 454 - Bam Bam - Sister Nancy 455 - White Rabbit - Jefferson Airplane 456 - Summertime Sadness - Lana Del Rey 457 - Livin’ on a Prayer - Bon Jovi 458 - Loser - Beck 459 - No Ordinary Love - Sade 460 - Ku Klux Klan - Steel Pulse 461 - Crying - Roy Orbison 462 - Into the Mystic - Van Morrison 463 - Boom Boom - John Lee Hooker 464 - Help Me - Joni Mitchell 465 - Get Lucky - Daft Punk 466 - Never Too Much - Luther Vandross 467 - Come As You Are - Nirvana 468 - Fade Into You - Mazzy Star 469 - Goodbye Earl - Dixie Chicks 470 - Midnight Train to Georgia - Gladys Knight and the Pips 471 - The House of the Rising Sun - The Animals 472 - Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel 473 - Stand By Your Man - Tammy Wynette 474 - Move On Up - Curtis Mayfield 475 - Rhythm Nation - Janet Jackson 476 - Sunday Morning Coming Down - Kris Kristofferson 477 - Our Lips Are Sealed - The Go-Gos 478 - Back That Azz Up - Juvenile 479 - Oye Como Va - Santana 480 - Just a Friend - Biz Markie 481 - Cross Road Blues - Robert Johnson 482 - Bad Romance - Lady Gaga 483 - I Can’t Help Myself - Four Tops 484 - Buddy Holly - Weezer 485 - 212 - Azealia Banks 486 - A Milli - Lil Wayne 487 - Cranes in the Sky - Solange 488 - House of Balloons - The Weeknd 489 - Cannonball - The Breeders 490 - Old Town Road - Lil Nas X 491 - Welcome to the Jungle - Guns ‘n’ Roses 492 - So What - Miles Davis 493 - Where Is My Mind - The Pixies 494 - Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper 495 - You’re So Vain - Carly Simon 496 - Without You - Nilsson 497 - Truth Hurts - Lizzo 498 - Pancho and Lefty - Townes Van Zandt 499 - Baby Love - The Supremes 500 - Stronger - Kanye West
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2021 WEEK 2!!
Shana Tova, Special Ed - and a Happy 5782 to you and yours!! Today was Yom Kippur, the day of repentance. DYM Off-Season readers know our most regrettable sin this past year was joining Doug's fantasy baseball league. Fantasy Baseball sucks. For years now we've contended that playing fantasy baseball is detrimental to one's fantasy football acumen, and it doesn't even seem like fun. We can now confirm both of these suppositions. We did NOT have fun this summer, and had a horrendous week 1. If we were smart we woulda cut our losses and tanked the last month of the season to avoid the playoffs. But, as it turned out, the numbers game we figured out back at the end of May has been very very effective. We've been dominating this league for the last three and a half months, so we're actually kinda invested in this baseball shit now. That's great news for everybody in Special Ed - we're gonna stay cursed for another couple weeks. Last week in the Garbage Baseball Playoffs we were matched up with our true nemesis - The Baseball Commish. This guy's the worst. The name of the league is still "Auction H2H Points" but he somehow found the wherewithal to change the league rules during the season - TWICE!! The second rule change he made was to expand the playoffs from 4 teams to 6. He finished in sixth, obviously. But the Fantasy Gods would not let these injustices go unpunished - The baseball commish and his whole family got breakthrough COVID and dude didn't set his lineup for the whole week. True Story®. This week we're matched up with our old friend Doug R. Tacos. He actually was smart enough to tank the Baseball playoffs to save his Special Ed season. In an enviably crafty bit of subterfuge, Doug dropped a bunch of his starting pitchers for infielders last week and left three starters (40pts) on the bench yesterday to give Team DYM an early 60 point lead. Although we have to resec' the fact that he's making a mockery of this garbage league, a COVID infection is the only Officially acceptable excuse for not setting your lineup in the playoffs. So the pressure's on us now to avoid the Baseball Hall of Shame - The most shameful hall of them all. We actually put a lotta effort into scouting rookie SP's and two-start-pitchers the last couple weeks. But we really coulda won these games with our eyes closed, and now we're gonna start 0-3 in Special Ed, so we guess the joke's on us. DUMPSTER DIVER OF THE WEEK: PICKLE RICKS!! PICKUP OF THE WEEK: JAMEIS WINSTON!! Jameis is fuckin awesome. We have him on 2 of our 3 non-Special Ed Squads this year. A lotta people forgot that back in April 2020 Jameis had LASIK surgery. He told Sports Illustrated - “No blurriness, and I think that’s huge ... Depth perception has increased tremendously and those are the big things." We've never played quarterback in the NFL so we don't know for sure, but we gotta imagine depth-perception is pretty essential. We're inclined to think that poor depth perception might make one prone to interceptions. The story was pretty underreported at the time cause everybody knew he wouldn't see the field in 2020 anyway. Then, when he was "competing" for the starting QB job this summer his trainers posted some of his all-time funniest workout videos and people forgot all about the laser eyes. We ate these workout tapes up. They were hilarious! The pitbull pass-rusher was definitely our favorite. But he also balled out in the preseason and a lotta real football people were publicly respecting the grind. He was unironically called the "hardest working QB in the league", but most people have a hard time saying that with a straight face. He does work out a lot, has for years, but will any of this shit help him not throw picks? Hell no. But those new laser beam eyeballs just might! MISS CLEO'S PLAYER OF THE WEEK!! LEONARD FOURNETTE!! MCPoTW Prop Bet Record: 0-2 | MCPoTW Special Ed Record: 1-0 AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!! 🌶 Kevin's Famous Chili 🌶 vs Tobin & The Rippers AGoTW Prediction Record: 1-0 We're seriously disappointed in Doug. Can't believe he bailed on our extra starting pitcher strategy. We'd been laughing about it all summer, it's unstoppable. We gave him shit about his lineup last week, he said they're all big time sluggers but we never heard of these guys. Adalberto Mondesi? Is that a real name? CJ Cron? Like Cron's Disease? WTF? He's got a catcher now. And either Pillar or Villar, not sure which one, but we're actively rooting against both of them this week, and we don't wanna do that. Fuckin hate baseball, you guys. So stupid. In Special Ed, Doug's got that sub-optimal Mahomes/CEH stack so this team is gonna have a low ceiling all year long. This week he'll be starting Golladay on Thursday and hoping Josh Jacobs' broken toe doesn't keep him out on the short week. Pretty sure Kenyan Drake is available but we're not gonna check. Tobin & The Rippers has Washington Defense which is the only action anybody should want in this game. We think Zeke is due for a squeeky-wheel bouce-back game. He'll definitely get more than 5 carries this week. PREDICTION Tobin & The Rippers: 120.87 🌶 Kevin's Famous Chili 🌶: 99.01 TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!! SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS!! DEFEND YOUR MOVES🕵️♂️🕵🏻♂️ vs Delta Blues The Baseball Curse has hit DYM pretty hard. We have zero viable WRs, and our best player this week is gonna be a Tight End. We'll keep it respectable tho - Josh Allen is gonna go crazy against the Dolphins, and The Commish is probly starting a Shannahan RB. But it doesnt matter. We're cursed. DELTA BLUES WINS!! Bring It On Home vs No And Then! START LEONARD FOURNETTE!! BRING IT ON HOME WINS!! Paul’s Awesome Team vs Polk High Panthers Polk High Panthers was the second highest scoring team last week and they left about 15 points on the bench. This team is a powerhouse and Paul knows it. He's in full panic mode after scoring a meager 79 points in week one. He might bench Saquon tonight, which is nuts but understandable on a Turdsday. Aaron Rodgers is a way bigger problem for this squad anyway. We're really looking forward to trading Josh Allen for Saquon in a couple weeks. POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!! Pickle Ricks!! vs Sharon Ertz Sharon Ertz really needs to get a trade done. He's got two TEs that he should be starting every week but also three RBs that he won't bench. Like maybe he could send Antonio Gibson to Tobin for AJ Brown. Just a thought. PICKLE RICKS WINS!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2021 WEEK 1!
WHAT'S UP SPECIAL ED?!?!?!?! DEFEND YOUR MOVES SEASON IS BACK!!!!!!! This is the biggest season ever for DYM. Obviously there's an extra week of NFL Football this year, so you all get a little extra DYM content. But more importantly, as we learned last year, there are only 3-4 good players in all of fantasy football which means there may be NO dominant fantasy teams in most leagues. Last year in Special Ed the regular season ended with the top 3 teams tied at 9-5 and the highest scoring team (Bring It On Home) finished 4th. There's gonna be a lot of 120-122 scores in our matchups this year and a lotta games will be decided by roster moves and start-sit decisions. Fantasy football is a game of inches now and the minutiae is more important than ever, so this is DYM's TIME TO SHINE!!!!! WHO ARE THE GOOD PLAYERS THIS YEAR????? Last year there were only 3 good WRs and 3 good RBs and everybody else was just OK. We figure this year will end up the same way; with injuries and whatnot there's probly about 5 or 6 guys at each position who have a legitimate shot to be this year's SUPER DUPER STARS⭐️. Two of the top 3 RBs of 2020 - Derrick Henry and Dalvin Cook - benefitted from workhorse grinder roles in run-first offenses; they both have new offensive coaching staffs this year so they are not favorites to repeat. But only 8 RBs had over 1,000 rushing yards last year so we ought to at least consider these guys as having an outside shot. The top 2 WRs - Adams and Hill - had 18 and 15 TDs respectively, both career highs. We think Adams has a much better chance than Hill of repeating last years performance. 2020 was Adam's 5th season of 10+ TDs since 2016, so it's not crazy to think he'll get 15+ again in 2021; Hill has only had over 10 TDs once between 2016 and 2020 so he's not one of our 2021 favorites. ⭐️POTENTIAL 2021 SUPER DUPER STARS⭐️ WRs: Diggs Hopkins Calvin Ridley Justin Jefferson Davante Adams SLEEPER: Allen Robinson RBs: C-Mac 🕵️♂️ Kamara Nick Chubb Jonathan Taylor Saquon SLEEPER: Najee Harris They say it's better to be lucky than good in this game. So even if you were smart enough to have drafted one of these rare every week ballers you still gotta pray to the Fantasy Gods that your guy stays healthy - which will be at least 6.25% (1/16) more difficult this year than ever before. Of course, in our experience there's no such thing as luck. But there is such a thing as MAGIC!!! That's why we're gonna keep leaning on Miss Cleo's mystic foresight until at least the Week 4 Power Rankings. LETS GO!!!!! MISS CLEO'S PLAYER OF THE WEEK: TRAVIS KELCE! AMERICA'S GAME OF THE WEEK: DEFEND YOUR MOVES🕵️♂️🕵🏻♂️ vs. POLK HIGH PANTHERS! SUPER BOWL REMATCH!!!!!!!!!!! AGOTW Prediction Record: 0-0 Early this week we were pretty psyched to see how many players PHP had going in the inaugural Turdsday Night Football game this year. DYM Readers know we hate fantasy players on Thursday Night, but this week's TNF Barnburner was likely the proverbial exception that proves the rule. The problem with usual Thursday games is that it disrupts the teams' weekly schedules, and players that got banged up the previous Sunday might not be ready to go yet. So we shouldn't be too surprised that these teams were able to get up for a primetime game with several months to prepare for it, but still. Damn. The Bucs look really good. PHP's Brady-Godwin stack is a beast. Gonna be a problem for everybody this year. Fortunately we started AB because we had a more important point to prove Thursday: Antonio Brown is actually the best WR on the Bucs. We never reach for a WR or TE in the draft unless he's an absolute target hog. Ya know, guys like Diggs or Kelce that are the focal point of the team's passing game. [checks Matt's lineup] Ah shit. POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS! PREDICTION - POLK HIGH PANTHERS - 172.26 DEFEND YOUR MOVES🕵️♂️🕵🏻♂️ - 159.78 SPECIAL ED WEEK 1 MATCHUPS! BRING IT ON HOME vs DELTA BLUES The Commish has DK and Russell so he's gonna live and die every week by the Seahawks schedule. The Colts on the road is not a great way to start. The Colts D is good, so they could slow this whole game down and force some turnovers. But if Seattle does get an early lead they're gonna run Chris Carson the whole second half, which would be actually much worse for The Commish. BRING IT ON HOME WINS! PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs TOBIN & THE RIPPERS We're biased. We don't want Melvin Gordon to be a thing (cause we drafted Javonte), and we also want Andy Dalton to fail - and temporarily sink Allen Robinson - so our keeper QB Justin Fields can get some reps early this season. Fortunately Zeke shit the bed on Turdsday so this one's pretty easy to pick anyway. PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS! KEVINS FAMOUS CHILI vs SHARON ERTZ Nick Chubb is one of the few guys who we think has a chance to become the #1 RB this year. That's mostly cause Coach Kevin Stefanski might turn Chubb into a total workhorse grinder like he did with Adrian Peterson and Dalvin Cook. Right out the gate in week one our theory is gonna be put to the test as The Browns open the season at Kansas City. If there is ever gonna be a Kareem Hunt game in the Kevin Stefanski era it'll be this week. SHARON ERTZ WINS! PICKLE RICKS vs NO AND THEN! This feels like a revenge game even though Mike's never actually had Najee Harris on his fantasy team. We just know he was thinking about jumping up for Najee in the first round. But he went for Aaron Jones for some reason even though he's not even on the POTENTIAL SUPER DUPER STAR LIST. Now they gotta face Their Guy in week 1, where he's playing against Bills team with exactly zero interest in stopping the run. PICKLE RICKS WINS! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #18 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part VIII
WHATS UP, SPECIAL ED?!?! THE DRAFT IS JUST A FEW DAYS AWAY!!!! ARE YOU GUYS READY?!?!?!? This is gonna be the LAST edition of DYM Pre-Season for 2021 - AND it just happens to be the Official Birthday Weekend of DYM🎂 - so we whipped up a MISS CLEO DOUBLE FEATURE!!!!! Enjoy! MISS CLEO'S DRAFT TIP HOTLINE!!!!! MISS CLEO'S 2021 AFC EAST PREVIEW!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #17 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part VII
MISS CLEO'S NFC WEST PREVIEW!!!!!!! ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!!! OK, folks, it looks bad out there. The first two years of the 2020's have definitely been the worst and weirdest time we can remember, and maybe a worse time to be alive than we can imagine any time in American history being. And that's probably a good thing. It can actually be invigorating to feel like you are living in a uniquely troubled epoch. It would be far more frustrating if we were acutely aware that the mistakes humanity is making today are the same ones we have always made throughout our history. Humanity is always troubled, and will never not be. The feeling that we are beset by troubles that we cannot control is essential to our very civilization. Healthy food doesn't always taste good, but it makes our bodies stronger. In the same way, our minds feed on stress. External stress fills our brains with chemicals that propel our thoughts to places they never would have gone, at speeds we never thought possible. The times and places in history most beset by disasters and conflict are also the birthplace of humanity's greatest inventions and artistic works. To this day, we remember the era circa year 0 AD as "Biblical Times". The great historical tragedies of the Greco-Persian Wars and the expansion of the Roman Empire have been relegated to our scripture and mythology. How will our history be recorded? The Olympics are over and we only got 39 golds, so Biden's gotta watch his back. In the DYM household, wall-to-wall Olympics coverage pretty much replaced all news-watching, as we imagine it did in many American households. Now the American people, suddenly aware of the existence of other countries, are turning the news back on this week to find a wide variety of gruesome scenes unfolding across the globe. This week's top headlines include: Three volcanoes are erupting in Alaska Haiti was hit with 7.2 magnitude earthquake on Saturday, and a tropical storm on Monday. And no one can get aid there cause their President was assassinated last month. The Taliban won the "forever war." And COVID is never going away We haven't gotten much bad news from East Asia this summer, but we suspect the Japanese media was intentionally keeping things quiet so they could get the Olympics over with. Back in February there was a military coup in Myanmar which was covered widely in the following few months. We hadn't heard much about it this summer, but just today it was announced that the conflict (still very much ongoing), has now claimed over 1,000 civilian lives. But our personal favorite international crisis of 2021 - the one we think about when we really wanna give ourselves nightmares - is The Tigray War. Last summer Ethiopia was supposed to have elections but, like many countries, found it logistically difficult to arrange in-person polling during the pandemic. So the prime minister pushed the election back from June to November. Obviously COVID didn't get any better by then, so he pushed it back again. As you might expect these decisions were met with significant criticism. One Ethiopian state, Tigray, was like "Fuck yall, elections are not that fuckin hard. We're doin this." They went ahead and held their local elections and named a new Governor. But of course the federal government emphatically refused to recognize the new state government and sent the army to Tigray to hold shit down. Tigray happens to be the northernmost region of Ethiopia, bordering Eritrea and Sudan; and happens to be home to a large portion of the Ethiopian Army. So most of the soldiers that were from Tigray defected and ganked a whole bunch of weapons and vehicles and shit. The defectors are also backed up by the Eritrean Army, because most of the fighting is now actually happening in their country. The "Background" section of the wikipedia article on the Tigray War starts in like 1990 or some shit cause, seriously, when has there NOT a civil war in Ethiopia? But this one popped on our radar because something weird happened in January that only the biggest fuckin psychos on the internet are talking about (aka The Guardian and The Times of Israel). Apparently the fabled "Ark of the Covenant" (yup, the one from Indiana Jones) was kept in a cathedral in Tigray called St. Mary of Zion. The city of Aksum, a UNESCO World Heritage Site, was taken over by the Ethiopian military in January. 750 people were killed and local historical researchers claim that countless "paintings and manuscripts, and collections of research data" were stolen from the cathedral. In Raiders, some people tried to warn Indy not to fuck with the Ark cause it would trigger a variety of apocalyptic scenarios - and they were RIGHT!! So, needless to say, some people out here these days are connecting all these dots in the news and it's stressing them the fuck out. From what we understand, a lotta people have succumbed to physical and mental illness this past year - but NOT US!!!! DYM is lookin good, feelin good, playin good, and gettin paid good (good enough anyway). What's our secret, you ask? MYTHOPOEIA!!!!!! See, the cool thing about Mythology is, even though a lot of the stories are about "The End of the World" they all take place a long, long time ago - so, obviously, the world didn't actually end. And DYM is here to say that, for all intents and purposes, it probably never will. Every one of us is gonna wake up tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, until we don't anymore. And the day your life ends, about 150,000 other people will die too, it happens everyday. The good news is that over twice as many people will be born that same day. And, if they're lucky, some of those new babies will one day believe that their life is the most difficult life ever. They may believe that the life of the world itself is fated to "end" before their own -- and they will create timeless works of art. Of course we're not the only ones fuckin with mythopoeia hard right now. Today our culture's most renowned myth-makers are grappling with ways to reframe their stories as to contend with our shared sense of impending doom. DC Comics got out ahead of the trend about midway through the Trump Administration with Elseworlds. Elseworlds was a series of one-off graphic novels (now animated movies) where the heroes are placed in different settings throughout history. We get all kindsa weird combinations of team-ups, and sometimes the heroes die, but none of it matters to the canon story. The characters in DC (especially the Batman-adjacent ones) have always been more mutable and fungible than most other popular comics. That's one of the main reasons why Batman is our favorite superhero - because he's always changing. We kinda like how almost every Batman story retells the death of Bruce's parents and the discovery of the Batcave, it's a trope that demonstrates that each incarnation of Batman is original and effectively independent from all others. Every new Batman story is a work of pure imagination - the very definition of mythopoeia. DC has been quietly releasing these animated movies for years and now, and they are all finally available on HBOMax. There might be more Batman content available for streaming right now than Star Wars, and goofy-ass Jon Favreau isn't in ANY of em!!! If you ever feel like your life is in a rut, and you need to shake things up, we highly recommend the Elseworlds flicks and the two Justice League Dark flicks on HBO. They're weird, but in our opinion they're the among the best Batmans. We have always held Batman as one of the most essential archetypal figures in American culture. And as such his potential incarnations are as multiple as the stars in the night sky. So why not make Batman literally a ninja? Why not an Arthurian Knight? Or a Russian revolutionary? Truly, we are all Batman. While HBO asks "why not?", the question of the day over at Disney+ is "what if?". The last two Marvel series on Disney+ (Loki and What If?) are our two favorites by far. We have a lot of very particular qualms with Falcon & Iron Soldier and WandVision, but we suspect the reason they're not as compelling as Loki and What If? is simply because they are embedded in the pre-existing MCU timeline. When Iron Man 1 came out in 2008 it was a revelation. But that was 13 years (and 24 movies) ago. To be honest we're kinda bored with that story at this point. And more importantly the world is a very different place today than it was 2008 (see above), so our collective subconscious DEMANDS new stories. Loki introduced us to dozens of different versions of the classic character. So it urged us to imagine that there could be an infinite number of versions of our own lives as well. This is a proper myth for the 21st century. No one understands quantum physics (literally no one), yet almost everybody accepts that it's real. There are FAR MORE objectively verifiable phenomena that we, as a people, are far more likely to deny (like election fraud). The reason everybody accepts the concept of quantum physics without being able to observe (or even comprehend) it, is mostly because it provides a framework for a psychologically satisfying mythology. It's comforting to think that the ultimate salvation of mankind (or it's ultimate destruction) does not lie ahead of us; but rather has already come to pass in a parallel universe. It really takes a lot of pressure off of us - eases the conscience - which is actually the whole point of storytelling. So we LOVE that Marvel followed up the first season of Loki with the What If? series. Every episode of What If? is a complete and self-contained Hero's Journey. Although the stories are unfamiliar the characters and settings are not, thus it makes simultaneous demands of our memory and imagination, but leaves logic and objectivity behind. Logical thinking demands continuity, but the intelligibility of the plot is not a necessary component of mythopoeia, quite the opposite in fact. Logical continuity entails a mental exercise of connecting the things one sees to other things one has seen. But mythical archetypes do not connect to each other directly - rather they take turns connecting to, and evoking the images of, our most distant, forgotten, and unconscious memories. Mythology forces the audience to relinquish factual knowledge and see the story with a new set of eyes. Myths are allowed to change over time because the particular events of the story matter far less than the archetypal images. Every storyteller places a piece of themselves in their version of the story, and if they are honest in their storytelling, it will remind the audience of something within themselves. They learn about themselves and are then able to reorient their focus within their everyday life. This is the true meaning of being "Born Again". Yesterday Disney dropped a trailer for the next Star Wars series, entitled "Visions". And HOLY SHIT, you guys, it looks fuckin AWESOME!!!!!!!!!! The most recent Star Warses (especially Episode IX and Bad Batch) were strained by attempts at MCU-style continuity. And unsurprisingly they were a huge let down to us real Star Wars fans. Our expectations of all Disney Star Warses are now very tempered, so this trailer doesn't have us as viscerally amped as the Episode IX trailers did, but we are much more (unironically) confident that this is gonna be our new favorite Star War. We loved Episode VII for precisely the same reasons most people hated it - because it was the exact same story as the original SW. The problem with Episode IX is the story was inundated with very specific, and overt, references to the previous movies but actually told a different story. Thus the images we see in IX did not comport with the story being told: The villain was supposedly redeemed but does not return for the final scene; The heroine says she found her family but we never see them all together. The logical errors of Episode IX were impossible to ignore because the Sequel Trilogy was just that - a sequel. It was a continuation of a story written over 40 years earlier. It was written by a team of writers who were all collectively beholden to the details of that story - which prevented all of them from allowing their individual imaginations to unfold in the writing. When Palpatine returns in Episode IX the audience is forced to make objective, logical connections to the plot of the previous movies, not an imaginative connection to the images. Thus the path to the audience's unconscious imagination was also cut off. Myths do not need to be continued or completed, they simply need to be retold. For anyone who's been frustrated by Disney's ham-handed rehashing of SW's epic themes, Visions should be a breath of fresh air. We're getting new characters and new stories that will be completely divorced from the established "canon". Seven different directors get a chance to tell their own versions of the story, and place pieces of themselves within it. If we're lucky we may finds some pieces of ourselves there too. LETS GOOOOOO!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOU MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #16 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part VI
MISS CLEO's AFC SOUTH PREVIEW!!!!! What's up, Special Ed?!?! It's only three weeks 'til football and DYM is gettin' HYPED!!! They got a couple more division previews too, but before week one kicks off, I got at least one more heater for the Cum Jesus Notebook: So last week I was talkin' to Blake and DJ about the Cum Jesus story, and I read 'em the dream journal part with the Seahorse -- they fuckin loved it! But then Blake dropped some real knowledge on us - He said there's a giant snake in Norse mythology that sleeps under the ocean and has its body wrapped around the whole world, and it's got somethin' to do with the Ragnarok. Blake said he read about it in his kid's bedtime story book, so he didn't have a lotta details. I was like, "That's a weird ass bedtime story but you do you, dog." But that Norse shit sounded cool to me cause I was already thinkin' of Seahorse as a trickster god like Loki. When I got home I started googlin' that shit - and he was right. The snake is called Jörmungandr, and he's a fuckin badass. He does live under the ocean, and his coils are the core of the Earth, just like I fuckin' wrote it!!! Thor went fishing for Jörmungandr a few times, and he's gonna have to take him down when/if the world ends. That's cool 'cause right away I was thinkin' about how I could rewrite that fishing story for CJ. Now - I don't know if you guys caught this the first time around, but the reason the Seahorse is a seahorse is 'cause seahorses are hermaphroditic, just like CJ. That's important now, 'cause according to wikipedia the snake is Loki’s son 😮, AND Loki once became a woman (actually a mare - a female HORSE 😮) and he’s also a mom. AND Loki often turns himself into water and fishes😮. In Denmark, they say Loki brings rain to the lakes and fog to the fields in the spring 😮 - Just like my fuckin' Seahorse!! So, fuck it, right? Gotta just lean into this shit now. Seahorse IS Loki, and he needs CJ's help to stop Thor from fuckin' with his son, the giant snake, and causing the apocalypse. I really might be on to somethin' here - CJ's DREAM JOURNAL PART 2!!!!! DREAM #4: CJ has a dream where he's walking down the street and comes upon this huge old house. Outside the front door of the house is a 3-foot-tall metal statue of the Buddha. The statue looks very old, maybe older than the house, but it's golden head still shines brightly in the daylight. When CJ stops to look at the statue it looks up at him and waves it's hand toward the door, silently asking CJ to enter to house. CJ follows Lil' Buddha into the house and they walk up the stairs. At the top of the stairs is a long hallway with several evenly spaced doors on each side. Lil' Buddha steps to the right of the first door and motions toward it with his glimmering hand. CJ opens the door and finds, somehow, that there are hundreds of people inside the room. CJ stands on his tip toes to peer over the crowd and he can see a body wrapped in a sheet on a table in the middle of the room. CJ looks down at Lil' Buddha and asks - "Is this a funeral? What is this place?" Lil' Buddha is silent, he stares back at CJ emotionlessly and gently closes the door. Lil' Buddha proceeds down the hall to the next door and waves for CJ to follow. He opens the second door and finds pallbearers lifting a casket. The third door has another entirely different, yet unmistakable, funeral procession. They go door after door, watching death after death from around the world, until they are back again at the top of the stairs. The sounds of wailing tears and slow mournful songs now fill the house. Thousands of feet stomp the wood floors and thousands of fists pound the drywall. The crescendoing, cathartic chorus only lasts a moment until Lil' Buddha closes the final doors; then the house falls silent again. CJ has seen enough. His heart aches for these people, but he knows he can't help them. He wonders if any of them even knew he was there. CJ looks down at Lil' Buddha and asks - "Please, may I go home now?" Lil' Buddha once again silently waives his hand toward the door, allowing CJ to take his leave. CJ walks down the stairs and toward the front door. He opens the door, and only then realizes that Lil' Buddha is still standing at the top of the stairs. CJ looks up at Lil' Buddha and asks the statue to join him outside. Lil' Buddha says - "No. But I'll see you again soon." Then CJ wakes up. DREAM #5: CJ has another dream where he's back in the middle of the ocean with the giant seahorse. Now he's underwater, nestled inside a giant conch shell which is gently descending toward the ocean floor. By the time CJ realizes where he is, Seahorse is already midway through a lengthy anecdote that involves several people with 4+ syllable names. CJ tries to follow the story, but he couldn't have repeated the names if he tried as they evaporate from his memory. "... so obviously Útgarðaloki kicked our asses outta Jötunheimr. Me, Þjálfi, and Rösekva haven't been back since. And to this day I still can't figure out how he got Jörmungandr into the castle in the first place. But, shit. Fuck it, right? We're still here aint we?" Seahorse curls the end of his fin into a fist and extends it toward CJ. CJ hesitantly gives Seahorse a pound. Seahorse punches CJ's fist then whistles loudly as he 'explodes' the fist and flutters his fin down toward CJ's face. "Gotta blow it up, bro." CJ laughs, "Yea, arright", he says. "Ya know what we need, kid?" "What?" "A HANDSHAKE!! Ya know? We gotta be like pow-pow-pow-pow just like Jose Reyes used to do! It'll be SO COOL!! Then we'll be Dogs. For. Life. ROOFF ROOFF ROOFF!!!!" CJ notices the empty bottle in Seahorse's other fin and he's pretty sure Seahorse drank the whole thing while he was asleep in the conch shell. "Yea, dog, no doubt", CJ says, "But I think I fell asleep. Where are we? What happened to my boat?" "Forget the boat! You're travellin' in STYLE now, kid." "In a shell?" "FUCK YEA, IN A SHELL!! How have you never ridden in a shell before? Kids these days. Sheesh. If you want a boat so bad just ask the box. You can get a way better one outta there anyway." "No, no, no! It's great!" CJ instists, "It's actually really comfortable, I mean, I fell right asleep in here." Seahorse interjects sternly - "Of course these shells are comfortable that's why we made 'em look like VAGINAS!!! But don't get too comfy now, we're almost there. You can take it for a spin later if ya want." CJ peers over the edge of his shell and he still can't see the seafloor. It looks like there's still a long way to go, but Seahorse seems to be getting increasingly anxious. CJ tries to make conversation to keep them occupied - "So, how far away you think the island is anyway. Looked far." "What island?" "The island. You know. There was only one island in this sea. You said you could get me there remember?" Seahorse spits out a laugh - "OH!!! Hohohohohoooo, buddy!! Ah, man. Sorry, kid, guess you were really conked out there. You didn't hear any of those fuckin' stories I just told you?" CJ shakes his head, "No." "Arright, kid. Hehe." Seahorse pulls the cigarette box from under his fin, "Gimme that lighter again." CJ reaches down past his feet, into the coils of the conch shell and finds the magic emergency kit from the boat. He opens it up and beams of light erupt from inside. The ocean water refracts the light which turns everything around them into a kaleidoscopic spectrum of color. CJ takes a moment to glance around at the spectacle. Bioluminescent creatures approach from the shadows. "Heh. Yea, it is cool isn't it?" Seahorse remarks, as even he was momentarily taken aback. After a while CJ catches himself nearly slipping out of his shell. He comes to his senses and looks down at the kit. There, the silhouette of the flare gun immediately appears. CJ grabs the gun, closes the case, and hands it over to Seahorse. "You sure that thing's gonna work under water?", CJ asks. "It'll work if you want it to, it's your box." "OK, go ahead, shoot it." Seahorse fires the gun and quickly swims out of his shell to chase the trail of sparks. He catches a burning ember out of the water, then swims back. Seahorse sits back in his shell. His body shivers briskly as his tail curls inside the spiral shell. Then, finally, he opens his fin and shows CJ the ember - still burning. "FUCKIN AWESOME, RIGHT?! Now we can have Hannukah down here! HA!!!" Seahorse lights his cigarette from the flame in his palm, and smiles proudly as he pulls a drag, "fuck yea", he whispers to himself. “What were we talkin about?” “The island.” “What island?" Seahorse pauses - They are now on the seafloor standing before an enormous coral reef. "Oh, right. The Island. Yea, it's pretty far. It'll take the better part of a day in the shells. So that's why we're here - this is my place. Had to grab my fishing poles before we head that way anyway, so we can just hang out here tonight. Have some drinks - nice dinner - and we can shove off in the morning.” Seahorse welcomes CJ into his home - they swim through the crop of coral which are, in fact, the gates of Seahorse's hidden palace. Inside, the palace is luxurious and ornately decorated with gold and crystal. CJ is in awe. Seahorse says - "I told em I wanted it to look just like Trump Tower. Not bad right?" Seahorse's cooks prepare an incredible feast - clams, oysters, eel, snapper, octopus - full spread. "Its like Italian Christmas everyday down here I fuckin love it!" Seahorse chuckles as he devoured the plates. CJ and the seahorse drink and eat and laugh for hours. Seahorse regales CJ with incredible and dubious tales but CJ enjoys them all the same. They even make up a handshake for themselves. At the end of the night Seahorse offers CJ a bed in one of the palace's many guest rooms. CJ declines. The palace is incredible, but now that he's got a few drinks in him, CJ just can't wait to curl back up in that sexy, sexy conch shell. HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #15 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part V
WHATS UP SPECIAL ED!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? HOLY SHIT! Pre-Season Football starts THIS WEEK!!!! ARE YOU GUYS FUCKIN PSYCHED OR WHAT?!?!?!?! We got a lotta corner-threes to knock down today so we just got a quick pre-season jersey number update, then we'll get right to Cleo's NFC North Preview, then we're outta here!!! LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! JERSEY NUMBER CHANGE UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With training camps in full swing this past week, we got our first look at the NEW JERSEY NUMBERS implemented this off-season. Across the league this season we will see 14 WRs, 7 RBs, and 1 TE don the hallowed single digit jersey number. It's a new day!!!! We copied that whole list below so you can update your rankings accordingly, but first we gotta give a very special shout-out to the league's best jersey number switch - THE 2021 DYM AWARD for BEST JERSEY NUMBER OF THE YEAR goes to: STERLING SHEPARD!!! Our guy Shep went from a bottom three WR jersey number (87) to a top three overall number (3) this off-season. Shep always had too small of a frame for an 80+ jersey number, but now he's lookin GUAPO en el tres! It actually makes him look like he's in better shape somehow, he looks faster now. This will play very nicely with our NFC East resurgence theory we introduced a few weeks ago. Golden Tate is dust. This is Shep's year. Our old friends at CBS.com have been keeping a running list of every NFL player who changed their jersey number for the 2021 Season. It's been VERY helpful for us over here at the DYM Home Office. We know we shouldn't like CBS but we got Stockholm Syndrome like a motherfucker for that corporation. Like, we don't watch ANY primetime tv shows on channel 2, but this time of year we really miss catching the NCIS previews during sunday football games. Also, CBS is the Official NCAA Tournament Bracket Game Platform of Special Ed. We've been playing March Madness there for about 15 years. We don't love the app (and it hasn't changed much in the last decade) but we're very accustomed to it, so we'd probably have a harder time with a new one. Anyway, the unparalleled Pro-Football-Reference.com also has an ALL-TIME Jersey Number List now so if we wanna look up, like, who was the #1 #1 in NFL History, we got it right here at our fingertips. What a time to be alive!!! Now, without further to do, here's the full list of fantasy players with NEW single digit jersey numbers: MISS CLEO'S NFC NORTH PREVIEW Featuring: AARON RODGERS!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #14 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part IV
What's up, Special Ed? Big night here at the DYM Home Office. Miss Cleo is in the house for the NFC South Preview. We're watching Black Widow right now and then some late night Olympic Hoops. Hopefully we'll be able to get Cleo's takes on those too. LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DYM AT THE MOVIES: BLACK WIDOW Black Widow is on Disney+ right now, and you gotta pay for it. We were really intending to not pay for this movie cause its a 2020 production, so it's almost guaranteed to not actually be good. But we had a meeting with our Stats & Baseball Consultant (the official Dad of DYM), and he highly recommended it. We figured we already paid to see Tenet - which NOBODY said was good - so we really got no excuse not to spring for this one too. Plus, Scarlett Johansson is too goddamn fine. This is an incredible time to be alive cause the top 5 sexiest actresses in the game right now are ALL Jewish: 1 - Gal Gadot (JONJ score: 13/15) 2 - Natalie Portman (14/15) 3 - Scarlett Johansson (11/15) 4 - Alison Brie (9/15) 5 - Rashida Jones (10/15) We've been Team ScarJo ever since she did those Woody Allen flicks in the early 2000's. Match Point and Vicky Cristina Barcelona were probably the two fuckin sexiest films of all time. We still have dreams about ScarJo and Penelope Cruz and were pretty sure our wife does too. LIVE BLOG STYLE!!!!! SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 15 min: Black Widow is a timeless allegory that poses the question: "What if Jeffrey Epstein was a Russian warlord instead of just, like, a party host?" So, there's this evil Russian General who scours the Earth to find the FINEST women. Then he kidnaps em and brainwashes em to be ethno-fascist super-soldiers. Pretty dope concept. We knew right away that this flick was gonna be a solid Space Jam 2-esque Hero's Journey cause the first scene had little kid ScarJo hanging with her dad. '22 - The First Threshold: Our wife walked in about 20 minutes late but she's IN. She LOVES ScarJo. '50 - Belly of the Whale: The movie is 135 min long; at '50 we see The Dad again. I pause it right here and explain to the wife that that guy is ScarJo and The Blonde Hottie's dad from the first scene. So then I says to her, I says: "Yo. I bet you $100 ScarJo is sitting down face-to-face with him in about 15min." She was like "Damn, its like that?!" We were like "Word. Tellin you, watch." See, folks, if The Official Dad of DYM said this is a "good movie" then it's 100% guaranteed to be a proper Lebron's Journey and therefor an actual good movie. She's gonna meet her father, then face impossible odds, then be gifted a weapon, then lose it, then save the world. '65 - Atonement with The Father: NAILED IT!!!! Got dad into the chopper just in time. '78 - Apostasis: Hot Blonde Sister is down. Fuckin knew they couldnt trust that third-wheel chick. '100: The Ultimate Boon: '105: ScarJo's in trouble yo. Swear to god we paused it here and we said to the wife, we said "Yo. Fuckin Blonde Hottie is gonna come back and save the day. I'm tellin you." and she was like "Is she dead?" and we were like "NOT CONFIRMED DEAD!!!" '107: THE RESCUE FROM WITHOUT!!!!!!!! OMG WE TOLD YALL!!!! MOTHERFUCKIN BLONDE HOTTIE IS BACK IN THE BUILDING!!!!!!!!! LETS FUCKIN GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! '114 - Master of Two Worlds: The 16th step of the Hero's Journey is when the Hero accepts death as a natural part of life, and submits to fate. It is a sacrificial act, where her death allows the others to live on (like Hercules, Jesus, Goku, or Bugs Bunny in SJ2). Blonde Hottie is literally Hercules right now. Fuck wit me. '125 - FREEDOM TO LIVE (reincarnation): ScarJo is blonde now. The End. LATE NIGHT OLYMPICS UPDATE Alright, you guys. We drank a whole bottle of chianti during Black Widow so we're fuckin amped to watch USA vs IRAN and then make a miss cleo video. This is a MUST WIN GAME for Team USA. We got beat by France in an ugly ugly game on Sunday. Nobody could hit a shot (predictably, since half the team is on 12-hour jet lag) but we played good enough defense to keep it close. We gotta see a first half blow-out tonight or we're gonna be very concerned. As of right now (11:23pm EST Tuesday) the host country, Japan, is leading the gold medal count with 11. USA is tied with China with 10. Biden's sending troops to the border right now cause we got a loooong way to go to get to 45 and it's looking shaky as fuck. Pretty much every sport we were supposed to dominate is gettin mushed like a motherfucker. Women's Soccer is 1-1-1 in prelims, and scored zero (0) goals in two of the three games. They face Netherlands in the quarterfinals. The Dutch are the highest scoring team in the olympics so far, and just so happen to be the last team to beat the USWNT. Katie Ledecky, our nation's best swimmer, was the favorite in every event she entered but has two Sivers and one Gold so far this week. Simone Biles, perhaps the best athlete overall in the Olympics, backed out of the Gymnastics Team Finals cause she got the fuckin yips. For real. And then there's Men's 5x5 Hoops, obviously We just get the gold in women's Surfing tho. NFC SOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1:10 AM: GOODNIGHT!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #13 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part III
What's up, Special Ed? The DYM Editorial Department is still busy watching Space Jam and eating mushrooms all this week so they called me in to help out with DYM OS 21-13. Just so happens I got a ton of shit to talk about this week: The DYM Olympics Preview A little Cum Jesus vignette Our top 5 favorite Biz Markie videos AND The NFC North tarot card preview featuring MISS CLEO (skip to the Cleo video here.)!!!!! So.. You guys watch that *game the other night? No? Me neither. I can't stand the Bucks. Fuckin' asterisk season like a motherfucker anyway. Obviously The Nets are odds-on favorites for the 2021 chip. whatever... NBA Season is finally over, so now we can get on to some REAL Basketball - The Olympics!!!! That's right, The Olympics is the REALEST basketball tournament in the world which of course means I am REALLY not playing in it. KD loves the Olympics too so he's all in. He's a lot more competitive than I am, but even Kev said fuck NBA Season this year. Gotta stay focused on that GOLD. KD's gonna play more games this summer than he did in the whole calendar year 2020. For real tho, this shit really means a lot to Kev 'cause after Melo got his third Gold Medal in 2016 a lotta people wrote off-season think-pieces about how he's the "Best International Basketball Player Ever". Melo has not shut up about it since and it's drivin' Kev NUTS, HA!! Obviously Coach Pop gave me a call. But I said "HAIL NAW!" I'm on vacation with beautiful fuckin' celebrities and entertainers and shit. And, as DefendYourMoves.com's Chief Political Correspondent, I got some important shit to do around here this week. Pop understood, of course. DYM Readers know that the Olympic Games is not simply an athletic competition - it's also the definitive referendum on the current US presidential administration. Team USA is averaging about 45 Gold Medals per Summer Games over the last 100 years. So, as a general rule, if we bring home 45 or more Gold Medals then we vote for the incumbent President; If we get less than 45 then, obviously, it’s time for a change so we vote for the new guy. There is one contingency, which fortunately hasn't come into play yet in DYM's 20 year voting career: If the Team USA Men's Basketball team does NOT get the Gold, we'll vote for the challenger regardless of the other sports. So the 2020 election was over before it started. Trump won zero (0) gold medals between January 2017 and January 2021. Now Biden will most likely get to double-dip, so he could end up as the most decorated Olympic President of all time: It's conceivable that Biden could beat Obama's tally (92 Golds) in just one term. With a second term, and all the new "prospective sports" in Tokyo and Paris, Joe has a real shot at Regan's all-time record of 119 Golds. But there are a couple potential pitfalls for old Sleepy Joe: First, he will have to win 45 Golds this summer. He won't be able to coast until the Paris Games since Trump supporters have contended all along that the Biden Presidency is illegitimate due to the Olympics being cancelled last year. The My Pillow guy says Trump is planning to return to the White House on August 13. That's the Friday after the Olympics ends. We figure he's gotta allow a few extra days to confirm the Medal Counts. Then, he'll have to take home TWO consecutive Men's Basketball Golds. Normally we'd say that's not too big a concern, but seein' as how there's only 8 guys on the USA Men's 5x5 Basketball team at the moment, it's looking somewhat dicey. I mean, best case, Biden is gonna need Kev to keep his shoes tied for at least 30 games between now and 2024. And even if KD and Draymond do bring home the Gold this summer, there's still probably gonna be at least two Ball brothers on the Paris Team. Popovich ain't stickin around for that shit. Zach LaVine tested positive for COVID last week, but he might be back when/if the Suns and Bucks guys make the trip. Bradley Beal supposedly caught a positive cootie test too but he's just not on the roster. That's just addition by subtraction, tho'. My theory is he really got one of those "inconclusive" tests but they needed an excuse to cut him anyway so they were like "Eeehh, sorry, Brad. Rules are rules". This roster problem coulda easily been avoided, tho. The COVID shit was to be expected, and it's fine. But we're pretty disappointed in Colangenlo and 'em for letting three of their guys play in the Finals. Everybody knows the NBA Playoffs are supposed to be fixed, and they had this National Team roster set like a year ago. I mean, everybody loved the Hawks, we don't really need them. Or they coulda let LeBron win again, he wasn't goin' to Tokyo anyway. Lotta options, it's not that hard. Good news is there's some real stalwarts on this squad, like KD and Dray, who never took the easy way out of anything. They crave a challenge... HA!!! For real tho, just bet Dame points overs every game, win or lose there's gonna be a ton of Dame Time. The Games are just gettin' underway right now. We're checkin' out some Women's Soccer and Softball prelims. The real sports like Kayak Racing, Fencing, Badminton, Judo, and Basketball start on Saturday. Break Dancing, unfortunately, will not become an Olympic Sport until 2024 but we were very pleased to learn that Surfing, Skateboarding, Rock Climbing, 3x3 Hoops, and "Baseball/Softball" ARE Olympic sports this year. They join other weirdo sports like Rhythmic Gymnastics and Trampoline that we set up to give the USA a little extra boost in the Medal count. In my opinion, given how high the stakes are in these 2020/1 Games, it might be for the best that Break Dancing didn't make it - These Korean B-Boys are fuckin' fire. Yall aint even know bout that shit. A QUICK CJ VIGNETTE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Since we haven't dropped any of these jewels on y'all in a while, we got a quick Cum Jesus vignette for you guys before we call up the psychic hotline for the NFC North Tarot Preview. In the original Cum Jesus introduction we mentioned that people can talk to animals in The Utopia, so we wanted to have some little stories about his childhood that could kinda lay the groundwork for that and also explain how CJ invented Mutton Bustin', which'll also be important later. CJ is born 7bs 3oz. and 19” long. But despite his size he was not born a baby. He could stand, walk, and talk within his first day in Joseph’s care. By the eighth day he had begun to grow a beard. Within a fortnight he could reliably convey his thoughts in full sentences. At first, those thoughts ranged from esoteric to indecipherable, because he had as much knowledge of the world as any other 14-day-old baby. Still, that low-level capability made life infinitely easier for he and Joseph over the first two and a half years or so. But when CJ began to test his boundaries, as all children are wont to do, that capability made life infinitely more difficult. After his third birthday, CJ spent three weeks living in a large cedar tree. One day, when a storm was coming in, Joseph begged CJ to come back in the house. CJ replied that he had to protect the animals in the tree from the storm, and he would only come back if he could bring all the animals in with him. Joseph agreed so CJ climbed down from the tree followed by 4 squirrels, 3 thrushes, 2 porcupines, and a jungle cat. CJ marched across the field and the animals formed a line behind him, single file, and followed him right through the door. The animals stayed in the house and did CJ's bidding until the following spring, 7 months later. At age four, CJs favorite sport was creeping into the fields and leading one just one sheep away from the flock. He had built a tiny saddle to fit the size of a sheep and a three-and-a-half foot man. He'd mount the sheep and ride it for as long as he could, counting the seconds out loud like Giannis was taking a freethrow. Most times the sheep would tire of running after about 5-10 minutes, at which point CJ’d just shout out her time and head back to the flock and pluck off another mount. He would continue this little game for several hours on end, weather permitting. Over time a group of local shepherds and their children began to gather on the hillside to watch him play. CJ loved the attention so he'd proudly announce each sheep's time and run up to the hill for a round of high-fives anytime a ewe broke her own personal record. Then, in the Utopia, rodeos and state fairs are all gonna be run by feminists and communists since those cats are all organic farmers and there's like millions of 'em. The State Fair could be like a hotbed for progressive politics and philosophical dialogue in general. But the best part is the bible-thumpers fuckin' HAAATTTTE Mutton Bustin'. TOP 5 BIZ MARKIE VIDEOS!!!!! #5 - Dance to This (Roxanne Shante ft. Biz Markie & Grand Daddy IU) #4 - Let Me Clear My Throat Remix (DJ Kool ft. Biz Markie & Doug E Fresh) #3 - Make The Music #2 - Biz is Goin' Off #1 - The Vapors AFC NORTH TAROT CARD PREVIEW!!! featuring: MISS CLEO!!! Cleo selected 15 AFC North players for the 2021 Fantasy Football Tarot Deck (the most of any division). Since we're already over 1,600 words this week (and we still got a lotta Olympics and mushrooms to get through), we just called up the Psychic Hotline to let Cleo break down this powerhouse division herself. Let's. Go. HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #12 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part II
WHAT'S UP SPECIAL ED?!?!?!?!?!?!?! We are just SEVEN (7) weeks away from football season. We’ve got your AFC WEST Tarot Card Fantasy Preview coming up - But first - we've got a SPECIAL EDITION of DYM At The Movies!!!!! We’re going LIVE BLOG STYLE with our instant reactions to the world premier of the #1 movie event of the summer... SPACE JAM 2!!!!!!!!!!!! SPACE JAM FUCKIN TWO!!!!!!
LETS GOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! We read some terrible reviews of this movie yesterday (38% on rotten tomatoes) but they are dead wrong. SJ2 is a treat!!!! Some people are gonna say this movie is just a real long commercial for HBO Max, but we still kinda loved it. It was a romp. Lebron’s version of Toon World is actually more like Imagination Land from South Park. It’s not just looney toons - EVERYBODY is in this movie. There really is a lotta cool shit on this app, if you can find it. We’re not gonna spoil all the references and cameos here but we got at least 3 Batmans, and look out for our guy Avon Barksdale as young Lebron‘s AAU coach!!! We’ve seen some very bad movies over the past year (shout out to Tenet). There’s a theory going around that every movie that was made in 2020 was bad. We think this is technically true but there were a few pandemic flicks that were very watchable - Raya & The Last Dragon, Kong vs Godzilla, Tomorrow War, SJ2 - they’re all the ones that stuck to the Hero’s Journey plot template. It’s really not that hard.
Even Space Jam fuckin two managed to have the story end where it began, and a kid meet his father in the middle. It really doesn't matter what else happens in between. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ FIVE STARS!!!!! AFC WEST FANTASY PREVIEW!! Once again this week we'll try divine to ourselves a fifth SESB Championship by consulting Miss Cleo's Fantasy Tarot Deck. Last week we started with the local favorites in the NFC East. This week we're breaking down the rest of the teams that Daniel Jones and Kenny Golladay are gonna get their garbage time points against this year- THE AFC WEST!! THE CHARGERS AUSTIN EKELER is The Queen of Pentacles The Pentacles (or coins) represent work and creative energy. The Queen of Pentacles therefore represents maternity or a very personal creation, something that is made by-and-for oneself (she gazes lovingly at the coin) and may be largely unappreciated by others (the land beneath her is baren). This is why many of our pass catching RBs (like Saquon) are represented by female characters in the deck. They carry a heavier load than we know and despite their effectively magical powers they are largely disrespected by coaches and analysts. That's the situation Ekeler will find himself in this season. He’ll get an opportunity to show his skills, but the Chargers will have no workhorse. A lot of analysts are high on Ekeler. They think that since Justin Jackson and Josh Kelly have already proven themselves incapable, the new coaching staff ought to make Ekeler the true RB1. But they might be unfamiliar with Charger OC Joe Lombardi's work.
Fantasy RB's on Lombardi's teams won't get any help from his gameplan, they gotta make their own way. Lombardi was an offensive assistant for the Saints from 2007-13, Detroit in 2014 and 15, then New Orleans again from 2016-19. In an interview last week he likened Ekeler to other Jedi RB's he's coached like Reggie Bush, Darren Sproles, and Alvin Kamara. And that's not a good thing. In 14 seasons as an NFL coach, Lombardi's offenses have given 33 different RB's at least 100 touches. That's a 2-RB committee, minimum. EVEN WHEN HE HAD ALVIN KAMARA!!!! Mark Ingram had the most touches ever for a Lombardi "starting RB" in 2017 with 288 touches (not great), and Mark Ingram also had the fewest touches for a Lombardi "starting RB", in 2013 with 85. What we're saying is: on the one hand Lombardi loves using pass-catching RBs (and passing the ball in general) so Ekeler's got a shot at a useful .5-PPR season, but you can forget about him "taking over" this backfield. Justin Jackson and Josh Kelley are definitely staying involved (shout out to Larry Roundtree). JUSTIN HERBERT is The Knight of Swords The four suits in Tarot also represent the four elements of nature: Swords = Air (Intellect/Communication) Pentacles = Earth (Creativity/Physicality) Cups = Water (Emotion) Wands = Fire (Inspiration/Intuition) So obviously in our deck: Swords = QB ("field generals") Pentacles = RB ("workhorses") Cups = WR ("divas") Wands = TE/K/DST ("wildcards") The Knight of Swords is the warrior of the air. He is aggressive and (perhaps naively) unafraid. He is powerful and extremely confident, so he rides headlong into the storm. We see the trees bending and the clouds swirling but The Knight charges forward. Justin Herbert exceeded ALL expectations in 2020. Undrafted in Special Ed and unowned until week 6 - he went on to finish 6th in passing yards and 9th in passing TDs, and be named rookie of the year. There's a daunting challenge in store for him this year (learning another new playbook), but DYM is confident he'll power through the storm. Above we discussed how consistent (and annoying) Joe Lombardi's RB usage has been throughout his career. The upside of all that is Lombardi's QB's performance has been just as predictable and much less annoying. In the pre-Kamara era (aka pre-Drew-Brees-is-washed era) only one Lombardi QB has ranked outside of the top 10 in fantasy (2014 Matt Stafford), and only 2 have attempted less than 600 passes in a season. The average Lomardi QB from 2007-'16 attempted 630.3 passes per season for an average of 4,804.2 yards. ZERO (0) NFL QBs attempted 630 passes OR gained 4,800 yards in 2020, and only 2 non-Lombardi QBs have had 630 attempts in the last 4 years (Drew-Brees-is-washed era). Now that Lombardi finally has an able-bodied young QB again he's gonna air it the fuck out. KEENAN ALLEN is The Nine of Cups The Nine of Cups is the fat cat. He gets the big piece of chicken. As the slot receiver, he's most obvious benefactor of the new Lombardi offense. In the pre-Kamara era Mark Ingram (2016) was the only Lombardi RB to outgain the team's leading WR. In eight of those ten years the team scrimmage yardage leader was either the slot WR or the TE - Marques Colston (4), Jimmy Graham (2), Lance Moore (1), Golden Tate (1) - all going for over 1,100 yards, and since LA has no TEs of note that usage is ALL goin' Keenan's way.. THE CHIEFS PATRICK MAHOMES is The Emperor The Emperor is the father-figure of the Tarot journey. The rams' heads on his throne are the symbol of Aries - the god of war. The mountain range he rules over represents stability, protection, and unyielding power. Patrick Mahomes is still the safest pick in all of fantasy football. In his 3 seasons Mahomes has never finished lower than 2nd in QBR, all three of his seasons rank in the top 25 all-time. Barring injury he's a LOCK to finish in the top 5 in fantasy points (and even when he got hurt in 2019 he still finished as QB7). Obviously DYM isn't drafting QBs in the second round but we're not gonna hate if you guys do. CLYDE EDWARDS-HELAIRE is The Wheel of Fortune The Wheel of Fortune, as the name implies, represents luck and destiny. It is a reminder that the greatest forces in our lives are largely out of our control. We actually think CEH is good; but it doesn't matter. Any capable NFL athlete could get over 1000 yards in this offense. CEH is just in the right place at the right time. He's gonna get a fair amount of receiving work in this fast-paced offense (54 targets/297 yds in 2020 is probably his floor) and he'll have wide open running lanes as defenses struggle to account for Tyreek and Kelce downfield, and for Mahomes' own rushing threat. Now with Le'Veon and Damian Williams both out of town it's all green-lights for CEH in 2021. TYREEK HILL is The Devil Kinda obvious. Like the Emperor and Wheel of Fortune, The Devil is a symbol of irresistible power. But he's also a real fuckin asshole. Do not draft. HARRISON BUTKER is The King of Wands The King of Wands is an honest and trustworthy authority figure. Harrison Butker is the easiest, safest kicker pick this year. Most kicker production is dependant on FG attempts, which as we mentioned last week are totally random and arbitrary. We usually look for a team with a decent offense that's not necessarily gonna score a lotta TDs (we only judge kickers by made up subjective metrics). This year we're looking at teams like the Falcons, Giants, Cowboys or Cardinals - Teams that lack a trustworthy goalline back (Falcons, Cowboys) and/or will face a lotta tough defenses (Cards). That's not Butker. He's just the kicker on a team that's gonna score a TON of points. Their division (Raiders, Chargers, Broncos) all have kinda shitty D's and they also play the NFC East this year. Butker could end up with some 10pt fantasy games with only 1 field goal. TRAVIS KELCE is The Ace of Pentacles Kelce, Kittle, and Waller were moved out of the Wands (wildcards) and into Pentacles (creative force) because they are all the primary weapon in their respective offenses, even eclipsing their teams' RBs in fantasy value. They are probably the only TEs worth owning in Special Ed this year. Not only did we promote Kelce to the Coin suit, we moved him all the way up to ACE! He's simply the best player on the best team in the NFL. He is the sun - the source of all our earthly light an energy. Kelce has over 1,200 receiving yards in each of the last three seasons - 2019 (Mahomes injury year) being the lowest with 1,229 but that still ranked 4th among all NFL pass-catchers. Just rank Kelce right after the #5 WR and draft him the third round, you won't hear any complaints from us (unless you draft two more TEs). THE RAIDERS JOSH JACOBS is Justice Justice represents balance, equity, and fairness. Justice is card #11 and we wouldn't ever rank Jacobs higher than RB11. Right now Jacobs is the 16th ranked RB on FantasyPros, with an ADP around the 3rd/4th round turn in our 10-team league. That's about right. You can go ahead and draft him at #30 and you'll get exactly what you bargained for. In his two years in the league Jacobs ranked 14th and 8th in RB fantasy points, and it's hard to imagine him really finishing any higher or lower than that this year. He's a true workhorse on a run-first team so he should get around 300 touches, but he's not really that good and the offense kinda stinks (don't see him averaging over 4.5 yards per touch). So 1,300 yds total is definitely within reach but more than 12 TDs probably isn't. DARREN WALLER is The Nine of Pentacles The figure on the Nine of Pentacles is surrounded by a lush bountiful vineyard. Her facial expression is neutral. She has an abundance of comforts but does not show any enthusiasm for it. A hooded falcon rests at ease on her arm, again pointing to her aristocratic upbringing and complacent ignorance of the world beyond her garden. As the surprise #2 TE the past two years, Waller is a coveted, but likely over-valued, fantasy asset. Each of the last two years Waller caught at least 90 balls and totaled over 1,100 yards. We think he's got a shot at that this year, which would put him in line with about WR15. But just like Jacobs, there's a low ceiling too, it's hard to imagine him doing much more than the 107 for 1,196 he did last year. THE BRONCOS (none) NEXT WEEK: AFC NORTH!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #11 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part I
Holy shit, Special Ed, there's only 8 weeks til FOOTBALL SEASON!!! LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! This past season Team DYM completed the unlikeliest of feats - The Fantasy Three-peat. We couldn't have been prouder, it was probably the greatest personal accomplishment of our lives. The problem is every time we tell someone about it the first thing they always say is "Woah, that league must suck." Of course, we all know that The Special Ed League does not suck. Quite the opposite in fact. But if we've heard that comment two dozen times this off-season, then we're sure some of you might have heard it once or twice as well. We don't want you guys to have to hear that, it can be upsetting, and we don't want you guys getting discouraged. The last thing this league needs is another team slipping into an Ertz-like malaise of Fantasy Apathy. So, while we will continue to put maximum effort into winning Special Ed Super Bowl XI, we're gonna use the rest of our 2021 DYM Off-Season to give you guys a little more insight into our predraft rankings process. In the past we've been pretty cagey about what we REALLY think about players before the draft. But it's time for a change. We want you guys to be better at Fantasy Football. LETS MAKE SPECIAL ED GREAT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! Instead of just giving you guys our rankings, we'd prefer teach you all to fish, as they say. There are three essential components to the DYM off-season research process that one simply has to do for oneself: We do a ton of mock-drafts We listen to a ton of podcasts We shoot hoops outside (weather permitting) Ideally from June until September we try to make an hour or two per day for our fantasy research and we try to do two of those three activities simultaneously. When we shoot hoops and listen to podcasts we like to play Around-The-World. Here's our customized rules for off-season 1-man ATW basketball - We make 7 spots around the arc, and shoot form the left baseline corner first. Make it, move on to the next spot. When we make spot #7 we get to go home. If we miss a shot we can get the rebound and make take a shot from the place we caught the ball. If we make the rebound shot we get a do-over on the missed spot. If we miss the rebound shot, or miss the same spot twice in a row, then we gotta move back one spot. We pretty much never get all the way around the world, but that's OK cause the point is just to kill time and keep our hands busy while we listen to podcasts - it’s not actually a basketball exercise. 2021 Top 10 Fantasy Football Podcasts: ROTOUNDERWORLD RADIO!!! - RotoUnderworld with The Podfather Matt Kelley has been our favorite show for about the last 5 years. It's just the best. The most entertaining and the most accurate fantasy football show around. Also the purveyor of the unparalleled stats site PlayerProfiler.com. The Action Network Podcast Mostly gambling stuff but the fantasy show on Thursdays is one of the very best. The Most Accurate Podcast - We like this show, but it's actually not the most accurate podcast (that's RotoUnderworld). Their process is a bit cryptic as well since 4for4.com is subscription only (fuck that). THE TAEKCAST - Another very entertaining and very smart show. We like Davis Mattek's takes a lot even though he's a millennial so his voice kinda goes up at the end of every sentence like he's asking a question. PFF Fantasty Football Podcast - PFF is another site that we think might be good but we're not gonna pay money to find out. The podcast is a great listen tho. We really like listening to Ian Hartitz talk. We think he's from Chicago and he sounds like a pretty heavy smoker. Sometimes he gets excited and talks too fast and gets himself all outta breath, which is funny. A GOOD FOOTBALL SHOW - Unlike Most Accurate Podcast, this show is, in fact, A Good Football Show. Hosted by Patrick Daugherty who used to write all the player blurbs on Rotoworld, and Denny Carter who's REALLY good at Wii Golf. Fantasy Points Podcast featuring THE GURU John Hansen. Also check him out on SiriusXM 7-9am!! The Rant with Jeff Ratcliffe - This is the guy on xm channel 87 right after the Guru at 9am. That's a tough time for most people to listen even though this show is actually much much better than The Guru's show. Living The Stream - Another Denny Carter joint. This one is just about weekly streaming QB, defense and kicker options. Dynasty Crossroads- We think it's important to take in some Dynasty League talk even if we're only playing season-long. It's helpful to get yourself acquainted with rookies and sleepers before they're actually relevant in our league. Also Peter Howard is British. American football analysts with British accents are the fuckin best. Such a treat. If you're very lazy, The Fantasy Footballers is the the #1 most popular Fantasy Football Podcast, so you know they try really hard to be funny so it's very accessible. They listen to a lot of the podcasts linked above and pretty much just say the same shit that the smart people said. To be honest that's as solid a strategy as any other, and the show is a pretty decent listen. These Podcasts Are ALWAYS WRONG & Not Fun To Listen To (THE DO NOT LISTEN LIST): The Fantasy Football Counselor - The worst. Might be worth listening to every now and then as a hate-listen/so-bad-it's-good kinda thing. Absolutely ludicrous takes. Harris Football Show - We think Chris Harris used to work at ESPN. which probably means he was worse at fantasy and/or less entertaining than Matthew Berry and 'em, and they fuckin SUCK. Plus this guy's a nerd and hard to listen to. ESPN Fantasy Focus - (see above). Also, never trust fantasy advice from a company that runs fantasy contests. They want you to lose. NFL Fantasy Live - The NFL Network fantasy show (see above). CBSsports.com Fantasy Football Today - (see above again). FantasyPros Fantasy Football Podcast - You would think these guys would be better at this but they're not. Draft Sharks - We think these guys run some of the bots that put like 1,000 entries in Fanduel contests. Fuck Draft Sharks. RotoWire Fantasy Football Podcast - Chris Liss lives in Portugal but he doesn't have a cool accent. He's just a regular American jerkoff who really only pays attention to fantasy baseball until October. So, in a way he's kinda worse than The Counselor FANTASY TAROT!!!!!!!!!!! We know we just threw a lot at you guys. It's gonna take some time to work through those pods and knock down those corner threes. But we always knew we‘d have to give you guys a more digestible and straight-forward fantasy resource for this season, which is why we got our good friend Miss Cleo to make us a customized 2021 Fantasy Football Tarot Deck!!!!!!!!!!! The deck contains images of the 78 most archetypically significant Fantasy Football Players for this season. Now that we're just EIGHT WEEKS away from the start of Fantasy Season we're gonna use the deck to do a division-by-division season preview. We're starting this week with Special Ed Nation's favorite division - THE NFC EAST!!!!!!!!!!! The NFC East was the laughing stock of the league late last year when no team finished over .500, and the Eagles tanked week 17 to give Washington their 7th win. We think a lotta guys in this division are gonna be undervalued (except the Cowboys of course) based on that big-picture narrative of last year. But one of DYM’s core draft strategy principals for this year is to NOT FADE any NFC East teams because none of them play any fuckin defense and they play the AFC West this year (also a lotta blow/shoot-out). Plus they get those division games during the fantasy playoffs, which gets them all a ✔️➕on our big board. Each of these teams has at least one potential top-5 player at his position. But none of them is very deep on offense so there are no sure things, and not a lotta handcuffs. Every NFC East player is gonna have to be just as lucky as they are good to break out in 2021. Let's see what the cards have in store for them: THE GIANTS SAQUON is The Empress, card #3. In the symbolic imagery of Tarot, the Empress is the quintessence of feminine energy. It represents the Mother, so it is #3 in the cards but #1 in our hearts. Saquon is still probably the best running back in the NFL. But the injury (first of his career) and fears of a low-octane offense (unfounded) have driven Saquon as low as 7 in our recent mock drafts. That’s absurd. We have him #3 in our ranks right now but it’s real close. We would still think about taking him #1 overall. You guys know we love C-Mac, DYM Legend, but you can’t convince us that there’s anything about McCaffrey or his situation that’s better than Saquon. If you're wondering how Saquon (or any NFL player) exemplifies the feminine mystique, look no further than this widespread ranking injustice. Almost every fantasy analyst has extremely masculine RBs like Dalvin Cook and Derrick Henry ranked above Saquon, and we honestly don't see why. KENNY GOLLADAY is Death, card #13. There's lotta charlatan sooth-sayers out there slangin these Tarot Cards these days.
Most of em would tell you that Death (13) is a bad luck card. But here at DYM we make our own luck - Han Solo style. So, in our opinion there aren't any bad Tarot cards, just challenging ones. Optimistic Tarot readers will say "Death always brings a re-birth" - the meaning of the rising sun on the horizon. That's nice, but for the Fantasy Tarot, we prefer to say that Death (13) need not be your own death, instead it ought to mean the death of your rivals and competition. In this card Miss Cleo used Cowboys, Eagles, and Washingtons as the dead and dying, which would be ideal, but Golladay has also been a bane to his own teammates. The Lions drafting Kenny Golladay in 2017 spelled the beginning of the end for Detroit stalwart Golden Tate. We suspect Tate's days in NY are now numbered as well. But Tate isn't the only one on the hot seat. We're fading Darius Slayton and Evan Engram cause Golladay is a target HOG. In his two full season in Detroit he was the only player (RB or WR) with over 1,000 yards from scrimmage; both seasons he was targeted on 20% of all Lions passes and accounted for about 20% of their total offense. DANNY DIMES is the Nine of Swords. This is another challenging card. It's a guy waking up from a nightmare. Possibly a soldier (swords) haunted by images of death, or perhaps a quarterback who has no one to throw to except an RB and Kenny Golladay. Danny could be a decent fantasy QB. But it's a crowded field this year. There's about 5 other guys who we're just as confident in that won't be drafted in Special Ed. If he doesn't take an Allen-esque step forward this year there's gonna be a lotta sleepless nights for the NYG faithful. THE EAGLES MILES SANDERS is The Sun, card #19. The rising sun symbolizes rebirth, a new day with new opportunities. And so it is Miles' task to lead The Eagles new generation into their bright and shining future. And we're not just blowin smoke either, we honestly believe Hurts, Miles, Goedert, and DeVonta Smith are poised to supplant the aging (and expensive) Cowboys' offense as the division's perennial favorite. Whether this comes to pass will mostly depend on the new coaching regime. New Eagle head coach Nick Sirianni and offensive coordinator, Shane Steichen were the WR & QB coaches for San Diego from 2014-18. The last two years Sirianni was OC for the Colts and Steichen was promoted to Chargers OC. In three of their combined four years as OCs these guys named a STARTING RB before week one AND made that guy the team's scrimmage-yardage leader. Sirianni only saw two Colts players eclipse 1,000 total yards, and both were RBs - Marlon Mack and Jonathan Taylor. Steichen ran Melvin Gordon out of town in 2019 and got Ekeler over 1,500 total yards, including 993 receiving on 92 targets, in an offense with two 1,000 yd WRs. The future could be very bright for young Miles. JALEN HURTS is the Five of Swords. Like the Sun (19), the Five of Swords is an image of rebirth - Picking up the pieces and starting over. This guy is optimistic, as we see him smiling and gazing off into the distance. Cautiously optimistic is the probably best thing the Eagles can realistically be in 2021. Nobody can deny that this team has been a fuckin mess since they won that Super Bowl. They're not gonna turn it around all at once but they've got some pieces in place. Jalen was a fuckin BALLER in his brief appearance last year. In weeks 13-15 Jalen totaled 847 passing yds, 238 rushing yds, and 6 total TDs - good for over 25 points per game in Special Ed. Right now he's ranked #9 among QBs on FantasyPros with an ADP of 79. If we get to draft this guy in the 8th round (AS A KEEPER!?!?!?!) we'd be pretty optimistic too. DALLAS GOEDERT is the Page of Wands. A Tarot deck has four suits, just like a regular card deck, with numbered cards 2-10. Unlike playing cards Tarot suits have 5 face cards: Ace, King, Queen, Knight and Page. The Page is the youngster, the apprentice. Although Goedert is 26 already (same age as Jordan Howard, wow), he's still the Page as long as Zach Ertz is hanging around. The Page of Wands is another card that looks toward the future, she's embarking on a great and mysterious journey (pyramids in the distance). And even though we've been saying it for 3 years now, Goedert still seems like he's got a lot longer way to go on his Philadelphia Journey than Ertz does. ZACH ERTZ is the Nine of Wands. The Nine of Wands is a pensive card, and as long as Zach is still on the Eagles, he's still jealously guarding his role on the team (and his status in the league) against Dallas Goeddert. For the third year in a row we're ready to give up on the dream of Ertz in Buffalo. We still want it to happen but we're probably done googling "Ertz + Bills" for another year. THE COWBOYS ZEKE is The Hanged Man, card #12. The Hanged Man is in trouble. The secret of this card is that, with his hands behind his back, the Hanged Man is holding the rope he's hanging by. He can free himself, but it'll cost him a bump on the head. One fantasy player take we 've been pretty public about the last few years is we think Zeke is washed. He just turned 27 (older than Jordan Howard), and he's averaged 280 carries per season the last five years. That’s 1,413 total career carries, putting him one good season away from the dreaded "1,800 Carry Cliff." We read that article back in 2015 and made it a staple of our draft strategy ever since. NEVER draft an RB with over 1,400 career carries, certainly not in the 1st round. DAK is The Queen of Swords. For this Fantasy Tarot deck, Miss Cleo decided to use the four suits to represent the four essential Fantasy Football positions: Swords - QB Pentacles - RB Cups - WR Wands - other Dak is the 5th ranked QB at FantasyPros right now, and in our deck he is the 5th highest QB card. Josh Allen is The Magician (1), Mahomes is The Emperor (4), Kyler is the Ace of Swords, and Rodgers is the King. The Queen of Swords sits on a thrown in the clouds. She wields great power but is entirely at ease, her power is effortless. Likewise Dak should have the easiest time cracking the top 10 of any NFC East QB. The Cowboys have by far the best receiving corp and the best offensive line in the division. Rodgers is the King but he's very very jealous of the Queen. AMARI is The Six of Cups. The Six of Cups is about generosity and helping a friend in need. That's Amari helping young CeeDee tend his garden. Right now on FantasyPros Amari and CeeDee are the WRs #14 and 15, both with 5th round ADPs. That's about right for CeeDee but we have Amari a lot lower. He had ankle surgery in the off-season and is expected to be back in time for pre-season. We believe it. But we've seen this before from Amari. He's tough as shit. He's had almost every available bodypart listed on an injury report but only missed 3 games in 6 years. That's why Amari is the selfless Six of Cups. He's just gonna decoy out there for the first month or so and let CeeDee and Dak get all the glory. What a guy! CEEDEE LAMB is The Two of Cups. Some what the opposite of the Six, the Two of Cups is about accepting, or taking, what is owed to you. One man voluntarily gives, the other receives, and each is kept in balance and harmony. Likewise CeeDee and Amari are often thought of as a WR duo that make eachother better by lining up on opposite sides and spreading out the defense. But we think CeeDee could end up with the lion's share of targets at least to start the season. GREG ZURLEIN is The Queen of Wands. Much like the Empress, the Queen of Wands is full of feminine energy and mystery. GZ is ranked #4 among kickers on FantasyPros and we feel like there's a pretty big perceived gap between him and the #3 kicker, Younghoe Koo. Zurlein is the third Kicker in our deck but the top four (Tucker, Butker, GZ, and Koo) are all pretty interchangeable for us this early. The Cowboys offense is gonna move the ball, but there's no reason they have to score TDs on all those drives. Kicking is all about opportunity, and kicking opportunity is a crapshoot. GZ has as good a shot at #1 as anybody, but then again so does Graham Gano. THE WASHINGTONS ANTONIO GIBSON is The Two of Pentacles. The two of Pentacles (aka Two of Coins) is another card about balance, but this time you're doing it on your own. We gave Antonio two balls, one for rushing and one for receiving. He's ready to carry that load even if Fitz gets lost at sea. We were cautiously hyped on Antonio last year but Sharon snagged him in round 9. Fuckin great pick. He's gonna be the best keeper in Special Ed this year. We're NOT gonna miss out on Gibson in the second round of the Other League draft TERRY MCLAURIN is The Four of Cups. We fuckin LOVE scary Terry and this is one of our very favorite cards in the whole deck. The four of Cups is about being contented with what you have. The angel in the cloud tempts the man with a fourth cup but he's good with the three, so he remains in a Buddha-like meditation. Terry's got everything he needs with the three cups he was served in 2019 and 2020. Dude caught 145 balls for 2045 yards and 11 TDs and we're pretty sure Washington didn't have a QB either of those seasons. He's clutching what he's got and hoping Fitz and Curtis Samuel don't fuck it up for him. NEXT WEEK: THE AFC WEST!!!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #10!!!!!!!!!!
What’s up Special Ed?!?!? We wanted our guy Kyrie to come by this week for an NBA Playoff update, but alas. He’s in bed right now vaping pain killers, keeping that foot elevated. Kinda sounds amazing to be honest, we’re jealous. Work's just killin us lately so we could really use a debilitating injury or somethin to get little break. We even went to the grocery store last night with no mask, walkin right up close to everybody. If we're lucky we might get that 14-day COVID staycation. The Nets are toast*, and we’re pretty fuckin upset about it. But it’s summertime, the weather is warm, and pre-season is right around the corner so we’re trying to stay positive. Fortunately we still got our Other Favorite Team - The Phoenix Suns. We’ve been ironically following the Suns since 2014-15, which was possibly the funniest NBA team ever assembled. That winter the wife was pregnant and had a lotta trouble sleeping, consequently we spent most nights on the couch watching late night Western Conference hoops. The 2013 Suns were a surprise upstart team, finishing 48-34 but missed the playoffs in a very tough Western Conference. So, even though the 2014-15 team was utterly ridiculous and only won 39 games, A LOT of those games were aired nationally on NBA TV or TNT. Ostensibly the most ridiculous thing about the ‘14-15 Suns was that their three best players (Goran Dragic, Eric Bledsoe, and Isaiah Thomas) were all point guards. And on top of that, two of the three (Bledsoe and Thomas) were, in the fifth years of their careers, already well-known ball hogs AND famously thin-skinned and sensitive about playing time and usage. Those two did NOT get along AT ALL. To keep them in check, and stop the locker-room-cancer metastasis, they signed Goran and Markeiff's actual brothers and compiled the rest of the team with a who’s who of the decade’s most likable names: Goran Dragic and Zoran Dragic Markeiff Morris and Marcus Morris Brandan Wright and Brandon Knight PJ Tucker, TJ Warren, and AJ Price One Plumlee (Miles) One Curry (Seth) Slam Dunk Champion Gerald Green Gotham City Detective Reggie Bullock Marcus “Lil’ Buckets” Thornton Well folks, its 2021 now and The Suns are BACK!!! They easily dispatched the defending champion Lakers in the first round, and then finished off a SWEEP of The Nuggets. This is huge for us, not just because we think it’s funny to cheer for The Suns, but also because in 2018 we wrote two non-consecutive paragraphs about DeAndre Ayton, making him the most talked-about college basketball player in DYM history. Our guy just shut down Anthony Davis and the "2021 NBA MVP" for the last six straight games and put up 14 and 10 every night. This is all coming together exactly as we predicted before the 2018 draft: Ayton is the talk of the town in The Association, and the breakout season is here just in time for sweaty-ass Sean Miller to get a new job!! NEW UFO THEORY!!!!!!!!!! We’re getting into this new app called Clubhouse. It’s a voice-chat social media site - so it’s got a bunch of “chat rooms” where people just talk about, like, whatever. So it's kinda like a bunch of podcasts that don’t get recorded, or like a college radio station with a mic in every dorm room. It’s kinda nuts, and there isn’t very much “good” content on there, but we did happen to stumble upon a fascinating theory on there the other day. We popped into a room where a bunch of Ivy League physics and astronomy professors were dishing about all the new UFO “revelations” in the news these days. A lot of it was speculation about space travel - how long it would take to get from one galaxy to another and what kind of alien biology or communication mechanisms that would necessitate. But this one guy from Stanford kept reeling in the alien talk and reminding everybody that these are truly Unidentified Flying Objects - we don’t really know if there are aliens controlling these things. In fact we don’t know that they’re being controlled by anybody at all - human, alien, or otherwise. This guy had the most hair-brained UFO theory we’ve heard yet: The UFO’s might not be from another planet, but rather from THE FUTURE!! What if we create artificial intelligence that outlives us on this planet. Then either we create time-travel sometime before our species becomes extinct, or the AI creates it after we’re gone. Then the future AI sends drones back in time to, ya know like, keep tabs on us. That would explain why the UFOs have always seemed so interested in our nuclear sites, military installations, and supercomputer facilities - The future robots could be coming back here to interact with their ancestors, perhaps to ensure their safety, or to accelerate today’s AI development, or even to ensure the eventual demise of humanity. Basically the UFOs are like the Transformers, except Cybertron is actually Earth from the future. We gotta admit it sounds nuts, but it’s still MORE LIKELY THAN ALIENS!!!!! FANTASY TAROT CARD UPDATE!!!!!!!!!! Julio Jones got traded to the Titans and we have updated our rankings accordingly (Derrick Henry still 1.01). Some have said the Falcons got a bad deal. There were rumors that an unnamed team had offered a first round pick, but then the Falcons took the Titans 2nd rounder instead. That report seems pretty dubious to us, and is more likely the kind of (mis)information that Julio’s agent or the Falcons themselves would be a lot more motivated to leak (or fabricate) than any more reliable source. Here are the terms of the last three super-star WR trades: Hopkins (age 28) - 2nd rd pick, swap 4th rd picks, & David Johnson Diggs (age 26) - 1st rd pick, 4th rd pick, 5th rd pick, & swap Bills 6th for Vikings 7th Julio (age 32) - 2nd rd pick, & 4th rd pick The fact is Julio is 32 and everybody knew that Atlanta needed to get rid of him to get under the cap. There’s just no way they were gonna get anything close to what the Viking got for Diggs. They coulda gotten a first rounder for Julio like three years ago, maybe, if he wasn’t getting foot surgeries every year. Given that Mike Davis is just as good as David Johnson now, The Falcons got pretty much the same return on Julio that Houston got for DeAndre Hopkins, and Hopkins is four years younger than Julio. Sure, the Falcons are gonna suck for a couple years, but Julio wasn’t gonna change that anyway. It’s rebuild time. Of course DYM dot com had it’s own re-build to do: Our 2021 Fantasy Football Tarot Card Deck is nearly complete. We have all 78 cards assigned to players now - including our NEW Julio card and a few that still might need some graphic updates before the season starts. We updated the Julio card with his excellent new jersey number and hair style. Literally no one looks good in that Titans aquamarine but Julio’s making the most of the situation with his new single digit jersey and up-and-coming dreadlocks. But regardless of what team he plays for Julio was always gonna be THE HERMIT card in our deck. The Hermit is #9 on the 21-step mythopoeic journey of Tarot. The Hermit is the archetypal mentor or sage. He is an old and experienced individual who helps show the hero the correct path for the rest of his journey. Much like Old Ben Kenobi and Yoda helped Luke contact the force, they do not remain with him throughout his journey, The Hermit must be surpassed and outlived by his student - if the student is to truly become a hero. If Julio had remained with the Falcons he would have continued in the Hermit role for Calvin Ridley. But Ridley may have already surpassed Julio last year, so to complete Ridley’s training, he had to leave him behind. Ridley now ascends to become the KING OF CUPS, and Julio will now adopt a new scion - AJ Brown, the KNIGHT OF CUPS. Along with Julio, there are a few other high-profile players in our deck that seem likely to change NFL teams this off-season: Aaron Rodgers says he’s NOT playing for the Packers, no matter what. The Packers say they’re not gonna trade him, no matter what. So.... As far as we’re concerned he’s just the host of Jeopardy! now. We just know one of you idiots is still gonna draft him tho, so he’s gotta stay in the deck. He’ll be our KING of SWORDS, no matter what. Desean Watson is VERY unlikely to play for the Texans again and, like Rodgers, there’s also an off chance he doesn’t play in the NFL at all this year. The EIGHT of SWORDS is a very bad luck card. It’s about being held against one’s will. The figure is isolated in solitary confinement, and also bound and blinded - meaning they even can’t see what or who has imprisoned them, and they have no recourse. We’re thinking if Watson gets cut and nobody picks him up (like if he goes on the Commissioner Exempt list) we’ll still keep this card as is since it’s such a great metaphor for the entire Houston Texans. They’re waaay more fucked than The Falcons. If he goes to the Dolphins we might still keep Watson on on the EIGHT OF SWORDS and change the logo on the mountain to Miami. The Dolphins can’t not suck, doesn’t matter who the QB is, they’re just compelled to fail. If Watson goes to the Broncos or some other not-bad team then we’ll have to re-arrange some things. A fresh start for Watson would make him THE SUN for this year, which is currently Miles Sandes. Sanders could be better suited as the JUSTICE card, and then we’d make Josh Jacobs the FOUR of PENTACLES and bump De’Andre Swift out of the deck. The more we think about it we don't have a lotta faith in the Raiders or Lions offenses and we're probably gonna avoid ‘em in general in fantasy this year. Zach Ertz trade rumors are ramping up for the third consecutive year. We still want him to end up on The Bills, obviously. The NINE of WANDS is a pensive card, we chose it for Zach assuming he stays with the Eagles and is jealously guarding his role on the team (and his status in the league) against Dallas Goeddert. If Ertz goes to Buffalo he could become the TWO or the THREE of WANDS, which are currently the Ravens and Rams Defenses. Then we could make Melvin Gordon the NINE of WANDS. Gordon was originally the SEVEN of PENTACLES until the Broncos drafted another RB and put him on the hot seat. We prefer World Champion Leonard Fournette as the proud, accomplished SEVEN of PENTACLES anyway. STAR WARS BULLSHIT There’s been some funny business in the Star Wars lately, the nerds are up in arms as always, but we’re tryina ride this one out cause it could play into our Bad Batch theory from last month. The bullshit is how they’re still trying to ret-con Snoke’s origin story after JJ Abrams made him a clone for some reason. Episode IX posited that Snoke was an artificial being created by The Emperor, but made no effort to explain any of the how/why/when, and didn’t even leave us any tangible clues. Well, over the last year it’s become clear that the SW brain trust never really had a clue as to how, why, when, or where Snoke was created, and they still don’t, but that is not gonna stop them from throwing a lotta shit at the wall. In Episode 12 of The Mandalorian the crew stumbles upon Moff Gideon’s clone laboratory. Therein they find some bodies floating in jars that look just like the extra Snoke clones that The Emperor had in his lair on Exogol. And just to make the point explicit, they even used a sample of Snoke’s theme in the score for this episode. We caught it, but we were like “whatever” at the time, cause it seemed kinda perfunctory. Clone or not, we know from the Kylo Ren comics that Snoke was active sometime around the Mando era (about 10 years after Return of the Jedi). In this episode, Mando and the crew find out that Gideon tried (and failed) to infuse the Snokes with Grogu’s blood. OK. Fine. Whatever. But then last month in the Darth Vader comics they threw another, much weirder, twist in the Snoke story. Darth Vader #11 finds Vader touring The Emperor’s new base on Exogol. And since nobody asked for it, they thought it’d be cool to just have Luke’s hand right there next to the Snoke jars. We guess the implication here is that the original Snoke got his midichlorians from Luke, but they ran out of blood just like with Grogu, so they could only make the one fully functioning Snoke. OK. We guess. Meanwhile, The Bad Batch is still trudging along. We’re up to episode 7 (of 16) and pretty much nothing has happened yet. We got a couple fun throwbacks to the old Clone Wars, and a foreshadowing of Ahsoka, but Omeega still hasn’t done anything noteworthy. We liked the episode 2 check-in with the clone that banged a Twi'lek way back in season one. They settled down and had a couple half-clone kids, which was cute. We’ve always been unabashed fans of these domestic scenes in Star Wars, but we were disappointed that Omeega’s interactions with the family only proved her to actually be far less capable and street-wise than even the average child. The entire season so far has just been Omeega doing dumb kid shit, and the otherwise focused and stoic clones struggling to develop a little empathy and patience. They’re just a buncha fish out of water - a wacky family just trying to make their way in a galaxy turned upside down. So look, we get it, we’re just kinda bored. We don’t wanna kill Bad Batch for being heartfelt, but we got our fill of the parental growth journey in season one of Mandalorian. We were ready for Bad Batch to really bring the Star Wars heat, but we’re not feelin it yet. Episode 6 was actually somewhat interesting and potentially moved the plot forward. They happened to run into those chicks with the cool haircuts that were friends with Ahsoka in season 7. At the end they tip off Ahsoka to the location of the “rogue clones”, so our girl is pretty much guaranteed to show up in episode 8. We want to see Omeega meet Ahsoka in episode 8, since that would be the mid-way point of the series and would therefore place Ahsoka in the proverbial “father” role for the Hero to atone with in the 9th step of Campbell’s Hero’s Journey. Hopefully they’ll let Ahsoka give Omeega a little once-over and confirm her force-sensitivity, like she did with Baby Yoda - that could be our only chance of confirming our original prediction for this series. We’re gonna need Ahsoka to tell the BB crew that Omeega is very force-y but she can’t feel it cause she’s never been trained. At that point it’s hard to imagine the young Ahsoka rejecting Omeega the way she did Grogu. Instead, we think she’s gonna take Omeega under her wing, but something will go wrong and Omeega will get captured or killed by Tarkin (or possibly Vader), cause he's trying to harvest her midichlorians for a Snoke jar. That experience will scar Ahsoka to the point where she never wants to take responsibility for another padawan, prefacing her stand-offish appearances in Rebels and Mandalorian. HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!! * - written before game 5. KD is the GOAT!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #9 - FANTASY BASEBALL UPDATE!!!!!!!!!
What's up, Special Ed?!?! This is week 9 out of ∞ in Dougy Tacos' fantasy baseball league and, folks, the Worst Case Scenario®️ is upon us: We're kinda getting into it. That's very bad news for the OG DYM fantasy team over here in the Special Ed league. Fantasy baseball strategy is very different from the Fantasy Football strategy that we've been marinating in for the past decade. In fact, for the past few years we've been looking for Fantasy Football writers who also write about fantasy baseball so we can fade all their football picks. We don't want this baseball shit seeping too far into our brains, it fucks dudes up for real. Normally, by Memorial Day we'd be knee deep in mock drafts and football podcasts. But not this year. For the month of May our iPhone Screen Time clocked us at 2 and a half hours on the ESPN Fantasy App, but we've only done three (3) total Fantasy Football mock drafts to date (scores: B, A+, A). The cool thing about fantasy baseball is it's really just a numbers game. We probably watched less than 2 and a half hours of actual baseball last month and we were the 2nd highest scoring team in May (after Doug, of course). What got us into it is we recently figured out a little strategy that's pretty easy to manage and seems like it's gonna work. It took us a while to nail down since things like funny hair cuts and cool jersey numbers are such non-factors in fantasy baseball. We do have some pretty on-brand funny names on the squad at the moment tho: Our fantasy baseball strategy is probably not that ground-breaking since it exploits an easily avoidable loop-hole in this particular league's rules, but it's noteworthy for DYM Nation for a few reasons: (1) Doug figured it out about a week before we did; (2) It makes a mockery of the league and the entire enterprise of fantasy baseball; (3) It should, therefore, serve as teachable moment for all fantasy leagues everywhere - Never change the rules mid-season AND move limits are dumb. That's right - THEY CHANGED THE RULES DURING THE SEASON!!!!!!!!!! There are only two things a fantasy commissioner really has to do: BEFORE the season - they have to establish league rules; AFTER the season - they have to pay out the winners. That it. They can’t make rules after the season starts and they can’t pay out before the season’s over. As we all know the second of those duties was once remiss in our own fare league, so perhaps we ought not to judge this league too harshly. Perhaps. We’re trying to take a principled stance here. We just think it’s never right to change league rules during the season. Period. We should all be able to agree on that. But we gotta be honest with you guys this shit pissed us off on a kinda personal level 'cause the rule they implemented just so happened to be our LEAST favorite rule in all Fantasy Sports - MOVE LIMITS!!!!! That’s right, move limits. We went from two-day-waiver, wild-west style down to 5 measly fuckin' roster moves per week. It’s the worst. So now we're thinkin': Yo, this league really hates our freedom, ya know? It’s like George W. used to say - “Either you’re with us, or your league has move limits.” Simple as that, folks. As much as we despise the move limit rule, we must admit we wouldn't be where we are today without it. Either our team or Doug's team are gonna win this league and The Strategy would likely never have been conceived if not for the rule change. It went like this - The first thing we learned about fantasy baseball was that starting pitchers (SP) score way more points than anybody else in a given game. So clearly you gotta find a way to get some SP's going everyday. At first we tried streaming SPs who were gonna get 2 starts in a week. We had limited success there because (A) we didn’t know which guys were good, and shitty SPs can sometimes get negative scores; and (B) the fucking move limit. So now, with the move limit in place, the only way to maximize SPs in this league is to actually roster a lot of SPs. (A fact that woulda been good to know BEFORE THE DRAFT!!!) So we spent about a week and a half restructuring the lineup to where our entire bench was SPs. No bench batters. Then we figured we could take it a step further (and this is the part Doug beat us to) by just dropping any batter averaging less than 3.1 points per game for a >15 point per game SP (which is pretty attainable and usually available on waivers). The only question then was: How many SPs is too many? We needed to know the odds that more than 5 of my SPs would end up starting on the same day with 13 or more SPs on the roster. It shoulda been a straight-forward enough statistical problem to solve so we called in our Advanced Stats Consultant (aka the Official Dad of DYM). We usually don't have much work for him this early in the off-season, so he was chomping at the bit. Before we even got off the phone he was already furiously running through this long-ass regression of factorials. He was in the ZONE!!! We figured out the magic number is 15 SPs. Since we already had 5 SPs all going on "Day 1" (Sunday 5/30) so even if theres a rain out (there was) we can start the calculation at 11 SPs which ended up with a 50% chance of producing >5 starters but only about 3% chance of seeing >7 (and if it ever happens it gets less and less likely to happen again). So realistically, we'd only risk wasting 15-30 points in any given week which is much less than the points advantage we plan to build overall. Last week we both got down to 2 empty positions and 13 SPs. We bumped it up to 15 on Sunday afternoon, and Tacos followed suit. This week both Doug and ourselves rolled out rosters that are 74% pitcher - leaving four (4) empty position spots and fifteen (15) SPs each. Just look at these monstrosities: Like we said before, we don't expect The Strategy to be viable in many other leagues. But this is a stupid, stupid league so we're just gonna run roughshod on 'em. In this league about 400-450 points will usually get you a win, and our teams are both averaging over 500 since implementing The Strategy two weeks ago. And, honestly, they should all be insulted. This isn't even fantasy baseball anymore. It's just a pitcher hording contest. It's an absolute travesty. Of course there's a million ways to have prevented this (minimum positional roster limits, maximum positional roster limits, separate bench for pitchers, points for non-counting pitching stats (WHIP, ERA etc.), cost-per-transaction, or no move limits obviously), our little brain-child here is simply the result of a poorly considered mid-season rule change. Ostensibly they wanted to take the pressure off less active teams by preventing SP streaming. But in actuality those teams are at a far greater disadvantage now if they're still not willing to make a lot of roster moves. SMGDH. So remember, folks, there's a couple important lessons here for all of us - NEVER change the rules mid-season. And if we've said it once we've said it a thousand times: NO MOVE LIMITS!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #8!!!!!!!!!
What’s up, Special Ed?! We fucked up. We really try to get at least one post up on this blog every month during the off-season, and we know that doing four super-sized posts for MARCH MADNESS does not excuse us from writing anything in April. Our bad, you guys. But, as the true scholars will have surely noticed, DefendYourMoves.com has not been idle this past month. We replaced the old STAR WARS tab up on the top of the page with the new MISS CLEO page. That page will be home to all our CLEO videos and our on-going FANTASY TAROT CARD project. Bet you guys thought we were fuckin around when we said we were making a tarot deck last month but we were NOT!!!!! Of course our custom 2021 fantasy football tarot deck can’t be finalized until training camps open and the trade rumors quiet down. Once the dust settles for the 2021 season we’ll start rolling out the deck in a series of posts on this here weblog. As of today we have 76 of the 78 cards displayed at defendyourmoves.com/miss-cleo but that page is gonna be a living document, we’ve been chipping away at it since early march so we’ve already had to make a few personnel changes during free agency and the draft: ... much more to come later this summer. IT'S A NEW DAY!!! There was one major piece of NFL news this past month which is tangentially related to our tarot project - and we’re not talking about the SEVENTEEN game season - THERE’S NEW JERSEY NUMBER RULES!!!!!! “The expanded [rules] will allow running backs, tight ends, fullbacks, H-backs and wide receivers to wear numbers 1-49 and 80-89; defensive backs can choose from 1-49; linebackers 1-59 and 90-99; offensive linemen 50-79; and defensive linemen 50-79 and 90-99. QBs, kickers and punters will remain in 1-19.” Our own Buffalo Bills have already signed their first two single digit receivers: Emmanuel Sanders, taking over the old-fast-guy role from Smokey Brown will wear #1; and the stunningly named rookie Olaijah Griffin, son of rap superstar Warren G, will wear #2. The funniest part about this is that Mitch Trubisky was already on the team and he was gonna be #8. It looks like when they changed the number rules he just went ahead and demoted himself to double digits, and we applaud him. That’s a team player right there. He knows that a 2021 Super Bowl contender can’t let those single digits go to waste on the sidelines. Way to go, Mitchell! We never thought we’d see receivers with single digit numbers in the NFL so this is a qualified miracle in our book. This jersey number reorganization is the most socially conscious thing the NFL has done since they reinstated touchdown dancing. As labor advocates, this is huge for us - cool jersey numbers will go a long way toward NFL wideouts’ goal of making half as much money as NBA role-players. But more importantly, DYM is among the internet’s thought leaders on the subject of NFL jersey number aesthetics. Almost three years ago we wrote the definitive positional jersey number coolness rankings - a document that has become a touchpoint reference for bloggers, fans, and (hopefully) young NFL players. We are very much looking forward to re-writing these rankings, but we’re going to have to see them in action to properly ascertain how cool the new numbers really look. For now, we know QBs and kicking specialists will keep the same options they had, so we probably won’t change those ranks much. Except that we’re most likely going to move 17 up the list a bit since we’ve been seeing so much heptadecaphobia creeping in around the league this off-season. Off the top of our head here’s where we'd rank the new jersey number options for skill position players: 1 7 2 3 5 8 9 6 4 10 11 12 17 19 13 14 15 16 18 23 21 22 25 27 Our 2018 rankings had 12 as the best available number for WRs because it denotes an alpha status usually reserved for the field-general QB. But for 2021 there’s so much hype around single-digit numbers that we feel like for RBs, LBs and DBs changing numbers this year the rule is gonna be “the lower the number the better.” Therefore number 1 is now #1, followed by all other single digits in order of typographic complexity, beginning with the prime numbers. Then when we get into the double digits we’re ranking 10 as the tenth best, and 11 as the eleventh best overall number for WRs, RBs, DBs, and LBs. Then 12, then 17, then 19 (the last prime under 20), then the rest of the teens. Then we’re thinking 24, 26 and anything over 27 is still gonna be ugly. FILONI DID IT AGAIN!!! The new Clone Wars spin-off The Bad Batch premiered on Disney+ this week and it is EXCELLENT. Dave Filoni is making a case for himself as the #1 all-time best Star Wars writer. We’re starting to think we like his take on The Galaxy even more than George Lucas’s. We’re talking about a spin-off of a retread of series from a decade and a half ago but it was perhaps the most visually stunning Star Wars animation ever and they managed to introduce a new character that REALLY made us think. And that’s amazing, because we like to think we know everything about Star Wars that’s important to know, but now we’ve got QUESTIONS!!! Of course The Mandalorian was thought provoking in its own right, but for us the Mando-Grogu relationship mostly made us reflect on our own life and the journey of parenthood - but this new clone Omega made us really ask ourselves some big-time Star Warsy questions, ya know? AND she’s got a New Zealand accent!!!! It’s the best. So the question is - Omega seems to have been the Kaminoan’s attempt to manufacture a Jedi. What ability/feature did they try to amplify to get to that? At first we thought it was a heightened emotional intelligence, so like she’s super empathetic and stoic. But then she has that Anakin-esque facility with machines too... We saw a theory that she has a sort-of photographic memory and impossibly high IQ, so like she can learn to do something just by watching, and without really thinking about it. But that still leaves a very big psychological/philosophical question - one we hope isn’t too big for a Star Wars cartoon - What is intuition? Elsewhere, as you would expect, the episode is jam-packed with call backs to the old Star Wars movies, like when Tech tells Echo that he’s “more machine now than man” and Saw Guerrera tells Hunter he may “die, along with the past”. We’re fuckin stupid for that shit. We just eat it up. Our DYM EXCLUSIVE easter egg for this episode is that the Bad Batch’s ship bears a striking resemblance to the Imperial shuttles used by Vader and The Emperor, but ALSO to the “saber dart” that Jango Fett shot Zam Wessel with in Episode II. And just like Dax said, “it’s the funny little markings on the side that give it away”: In a deleted scene from the original Bad Batch arc from Clone Wars Season 7, Anakin sees a World War II-style pinup of his secret wife Padme painted on the ship’s hull. HAVE ANOTHER GREAT STAR WARS, EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #7 - FANTASY BASEBALL!!!!!!!
What’s up Special Ed?! We are just one month away from the NFL draft, so we’re transitioning back to the classic Fantasy League content that you all crave. But since this week is also the Grand Finale of DYM’s March Madness Celebration we did something really weird - something we never thought we would ever do - a FANTASY BASEBALL DRAFT!!!!! THAT'S RIGHT! FANTASY BASEBALL!!! We got the COVID vax last Friday which had us passed out for most of the weekend. We briefly woke up early Saturday afternoon and got a text from DOUGY TACOS! He said somebody dropped out of his Fantasy Baseball league and they needed a replacement. And the draft is in 6 hours. Fuck it. Say no more, we’re in. We did one mock draft then went back to sleep and sweated for four more hours. Doug tried to reassure us with platitudes like “Dude, I did ZERO research this year!” Which was nice but surely we couldn’t tell him at this point that not only have we never played fantasy baseball before, and never done an auction draft before, but we have hardly even WATCHED any baseball since 2018. Couldn't tell him that. We just laughed and wrote off any missteps as being due to the COVID-brain and edibles. There’s no way Doug truly understood the depths of our discomfort. For decades, the DYM staff has privately derided the entire institution of Fantasy Baseball. DYM Readers will have noticed that Fantasy Baseball has never been mentioned on this blog which, of course, is the greatest insult we could ever give it. We have never fucked with Fantasy Baseball in part because it seems way more complicated than Fantasy Football; plus it seems like mostly nerds and weirdos are into it; and most importantly - because it involves following BASEBALL, which just seems like the worst way to spend your summer. Let us know if you guys start a Fantasy Going to the Beach League. BASEBALL IS FUCKING BORING AS SHIT We like the Mets, but we really don’t like baseball at all. Don’t like watchin it, and don’t like playin it - and not for lack of trying. To be honest we've spend a lot more time around baseball than anything else we enjoy as little. Like we’re DONE with golf right now. Haven’t set foot on a course in at least two or three years, but for some reason we keep giving baseball another chance. As a kid, we played little league for 6 years and hated every one of them. In high school we did a bit of Little League umpiring, which was even worse. Then from 2010-15 we were the fourth outfielder on the worst men’s softball team in Union County NJ. Every summer we watch the first dozen or so Mets games, then we tune out once they hit a losing streak and turn the page to football season. Over the last 7 years or so we’ve basically only watched games that Yoenis Cespedes played in. In 2014 and '15 we actually did watch a lot of baseball, but almost none since. Nevertheless we were pretty psyched for this fantasy draft. When we get a couple gummy bears in us we feel like we can draft just about anything. So we hopped on that ESPN Fantasy App and got it poppin. First we established a solid poker face by drafting the first three guys who we had heard of and we know are good. Then we saw Doug bidding up Kris Bryant, who we’re not entirely familiar with, so we put an extra dollar on him. At that point some people mighta thought we knew what we were doing, which meant it was high time for a little MARCH MADNESS!!! TEBOW TIME BABY!!! We’re not sure if we won this draft but we definitely had a huge early lead. We would need it too - cause the draft got real dicey over the next couple rounds. The pool of non-Mets-that-we’ve-heard-of dried up completely after our 11th pick (of 23). We had to make some tough calls that mighta been a lot easier if we’d familiarized ourselves a little more with MLB player personnel: We wanted to have heard of at least 50% of our team, which forced us to draft the Ultimate Metsy Homer Squad - as it stands now, we're gonna start at least 5 Mets on opening day. We only got 1 of Fox News' Mike Tobin's sleeper picks (Ty France - $1). Trey Mancini was popular but in retrospect we shoulda paid up for him cause we ended up with a few dollars left at the end. We knew that one of the Astros middle infielders was good in 2018 (mighta been AL MVP?) but we couldn’t remember if it was Correa or Altuve. We ended up getting both just to be safe, but the fact that both combined cost less than Kris Bryant was a little unsettling. We drafted Mike Yastrzemski, cause for just a second we thought he was in the Hall of Fame already. Although we're pretty happy with DeGrom and Tatis (who is NOT injured 🙉. No no no no no he is NOT!!!), if we had had a day to think about it we woulda just spent that first $100 on Shohei Ohtani. Needless to say we've got a lot to learn over the next few weeks. We're trying to dig into some research but it's not been fun so far. We've already read more articles in USA Today than we're really comfortable with, and we still haven't found a baseball podcast that's less boring than baseball itself. Right now we're just making a list of "baseball terminology" and a few questions that we need to google sometime before next Thursday: “Low BABIP-against” “Quality starts” “Orioles” “Exit velocity” “Hitter’s league” "Juiced ball" + Where do the Blue Jays play? + Is Cleveland just the "Cleveland Baseball Team" now? + Is there a DH in the National League this year? One might say that we're "The Abby" of this league, but that would be pretty unfair to Abby. We have NO CLUE what we're doing!!! But if nothing else at least we'll be able to get into some more DYM-Classic-Style content for the baseball league throughout summer. Our first MOVE is already in the books - dropped Tebow for some guy named Yoshi. Pretty cool. To kick things off, we put together Pre-Season Power Rankings, based strictly on how many players we've heard of on each squad: ! 100mg THC - 16 <--- DYM Section 104 - 12 Team Buhler - 10 Team armstrong - 9 Team MVP Pidich - 9 Team Ramirez - 8 Respec yo Dougs - 7 <--- Tacos! Lindor Mi Amor - 7 Bowman Baseball Team - 6 Team Verrastro - 4 Schmeck Deck - 3 Uncle Stevie - 3 HAVE A GREAT OPENING DAY EVERYBODY!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #6 - MISS CLEO'S TOURNEY PICKS!!!!!!
What's up, Special Ed?! We watched almost NO college hoops this year. So we called up the old Psychic Hotline for some help filling out our brackets. Enjoy! HAVE A GREAT MARCH MADNESS EVERYBODY!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #5 - CUM JESUS UPDATE!!!!!
WOKE WEDNESDAYS WITH KYRIE IRVING!!! Aw man, big shout out to DYM!! They CRUSHED the new Star Wars theory. I gave it a read during warmups on Thursday afternoon, and that shit got me HYPED!!!! I was tellin’ Blake and Jay about it and they were like “Word?” And I was like “No doubt.” Then I dropped 40 on those snake-ass Celtics. Of course y’all remember how I BURIED their asses on Christmas day (37/8/6), this second burial means we OWN their asses now. I was still feelin that energy the whole way home too tho’. So I wrote a bunch more notes for the Cum Jesus story. I think DYM touched on a couple things in that essay that are a lot like what I’m trying to do with CJ. I like how he retraced all that history of mythology, 'cause the story I wanna tell for CJ is kinda supposed to be like the opposite of the Judeo-Christian myth. Like how CJ is immortal - so his story is all about not being afraid of death. So one of the ideas I had was to have CJ, in his early days, be led on a bunch of misadventures that will all symbolize reincarnation. Like he kinda keeps going home instead of leaving home, and like the adventure makes something change but it keeps going anyway. Which, now that I say it like that, is pretty much what the Odyssey was. So, shout out to DYM!! Anyway. One of the major plot points I came up with a while back is a dream that CJ has where he sees the future, which is the year 2020 as we knew it. That’s how he gets all the disciples to buy in on global utopia and all that shit. (Also the dream will help him know all about Star Wars and what’s gonna happen in fantasy football, which will be important later.) Then I thought maybe I could use CJ's dreams to start introducing a lot of the reincarnation symbolism. And since the disciples bought in on the first dream, maybe they start thinking all of CJ's dreams are really important. Maybe that’s even where he could have his misadventures too. Check it out: CJs DREAM JOURNAL: Dream #1: Jesus has a dream where he’s on a boat all by himself in the middle of the ocean. Just floating. Its real quiet, no land in sight, no clouds in the sky, and no wind. He looks behind him and there’s a giant tiger in the back of the boat. He screams and wakes up. Dream #2: Jesus has a dream where he’s a cow. Just eatin that grass all day long. Takes a nap under a tree, gets up, moos at another cow, eats some more grass. Later in the day he comes back to the tree and notices a little flower growing out of the trunk. He’d never noticed it before. He looks at it real close. Then a tiger jumps out of the tree and he wakes up. Dream #3: Jesus has another dream where he’s on a boat all by himself in the middle of the ocean. He immediately checks for tigers. All clear. The boat is empty except for the ropes and rigging. He sees a little island in the distance and turns the sail around to the starboard side to head towards it. He’s picking up speed, but when he looks up the island looks like it’s off the starboard side again, so he turns the sail again. But the island is still off to the side. A few more turns and he still can’t line it up. He checks the sails and the hoists. Then he sees a line that got wrapped around the mast in all the turning. So he picks up the line and passes it around the mast four times to uncoil it. As soon as it’s all straightened out it starts raining. Pouring rain, he can’t see shit, the island is gone. Now he’s real upset, starts praying for a tiger to come eat him. Then a giant seahorse comes up out of the water. CJ’s like wtf for real. Seahorse is holding a wine glass in one fin and a cigarette in the other. He takes a big sip of the wine, finishes the glass and places it on the deck of CJs boat. Seahorse looks around, seems a bit lost. He says “Hey pal ya gotta light?” CJ’s like “What?” Seahorse says “A match? A light... Ah you don’t smoke. Just check that Emergency Kit in the bow,” the seahorse points down with his other fin “should be a flare gun in there or something.” CJ looks down, he didn’t remember there being a kit in the bow, but there it is. He opens it up and a blinding light comes pouring out. CJ struggles to open his eyes, it’s like looking straight into the sun. Vaguely, through his eyelids he sees the silhouette of the flare gun. He pulls it out and closes the lid of the kit as fast as he can. “Um, here ya go, friend...” CJ says as he hands the gun to the seahorse, “...and thank you, I think.” Seahorse says “Yea, no sweat, you can keep it. Got all kindsa good shit in there.” Seahorse fires the flare and it explodes high overhead in a huge shower of golden sparks. Seahorse continues - “Sorry to bother you on your cruise, pal. I can’t ever keep a pack of matches dry down there.” CJ looks confused, he says “How did you keep the cigarette dry?” The seahorse takes a drag, looks at the cigarette, exhales the smoke and says “Ya know, I never thought of it that way. Huh.” He pauses and drags it again. “Wow. Man, this is gonna be huge. Listen, you've been a big help, kid, but I gotta split. Anything else I can do for you?” CJ says “Well, I could use some food, and if you could help me get to that island out there it’d be tight.” Seahorse yells excitedly, “Ah HA! Now, food we can do.” Seahorse reaches down into the water and pulls out a fish. “Sushi?” He asks as he displays the fish to CJ. CJ nods, he’s cautiously optimistic. Seahorse puts the fish on the deck next to the wine glass and carves off a filet with the edge of his giant fin and hands it to CJ. “Thanks.” CJ says warily. Then the seahorse waves his big, spread-out fin over the wounded fish. When he moves the fin away there are two tiny fishes where the one near-dead one had been. Seahorse drops the baby fish into the water and they swim away. “Woah.” CJ is amazed. The seahorse drags his smoke again and coughs out a laugh, “Heh! They better watch out for that tiger, right buddy?” The seahorse elbows CJ with a curled fin and chuckles at his own joke. CJ forces out a nervous laugh as well. Seahorse sits down on the edge of the boat to eat the sashimi with CJ. He reaches into the water again and pulls out a wine bottle. He goes to pour into his glass but nothing comes out. “Damn. Hey, go back in the kit for me and grab another bottle, we’re all out.” CJ reaches for the kit and opens it, very slowly this time - trying to avoid being blinded again. “Go ahead, nothing to be scared of.” Seahorse says “They won’t mind. I’m here, so it’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.” CJ is not reassured. He looks at Seahorse skeptically. Seahorse waves his fin at CJ imploring him to go on. CJ opens the kit and right away he can make out the silhouette of a bottle and a cup, he pulls them both out quickly and slams the box closed. Seahorse opens the bottle and pours them each a glass. They eat and drink and it might be the first time that Seashorse had stopped talking since he showed up. For a moment there was no sound at all and they could hear every raindrop plink off the ocean’s flat surface. The silence is broken by a bang and another flare whistling up into the sky. CJ looks up and Seahorse is tucking a cigarette box under his fin. He stops, pulls the box back out and points it at CJ. “Oh right, you don’t smoke, sorry, bud.” Then he tucks the box away and stands up on his tail. “OK, kid. The sushi’s on me. And I can help you get to the island. But you gotta come back down here with me first. We gotta tell the guys about your idea.” … After that I'm thinkin they probably get sidetracked on their way back to wherever Seahorse was tryna go. They’ll have to do some other weird shit underwater, and I might not have CJ find out what “his idea” actually is for a long time if ever. Maybe he’ll wake up and have to revisit this dream a few times to get the island. Eventually he finds out that the island isn’t actually an island, it’s the head of a giant snake (which is why it was moving at the start of the dream). The snake, as he’ll eventually learn, is coiled up deep under the ocean and the coils actually are the core of the earth, and all the water and land is piled up on top of it. LETS GOOO!!!!! "It's sea-weed, baby!" HAVE A GREAT MARCH MADNESS EVERYBODY!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #4 - DYM STAR WARS THEORY RETURNS!!!!!!
What’s up Special Ed?!?! It’s March which means we’re just about a month away from 2021 MOCK DRAFT SEASON!!! We know the real diehards out there are already rocking mocks and best ball drafts in March, but we usually wait 'til after the NFL Draft before we start mocking the upcoming season. Right now we’re still enjoying our off-season, which is great cause there’s a lotta good streaming TV on right now. We just finished WandaVision and we dug it. All these magic spells and shit got us thinkin’ tho... There still might be a way for a Grand Champion such as ourselves to take our game to the whole ‘nother level: In 2019 DYM brought you Fantasy Mythopoeia - this year it’s FANTASY DIVINATION!!! We just thought of it last night and haven’t looked into it too much yet. But we can’t imagine we’re the first person that ever thought to use hexes and chaos magic in fantasy sports or gambling. It actually seems kinda obvious now that we’re thinking about it. Anyways, for now we’re working on this Fantasy Football Tarot Deck. We figure it should be useful for draft prep even if we can’t get all the incantations figured out. Here’s a little preview: Needless to say, we're already plotting the return of Miss Cleo for 2021. PLUS, March means we got Aussie Football coming up soon, and the NCAA hoops tourney (we think?). Kyrie's gonna stop by for more coverage of the 2021 NBA Champion Nets, and the Mets are gonna be good too so we're gonna be watchin' baseball again, AND there's OLYMPICS this year!! It's gonna be a HOT summer!!!!! So before we return to our regularly scheduled DYM programming, we gotta finish off the long overdue conclusion of THE DYM ULTIMATE STAR WARS THEORY!!! LETS GO!!! When we first wrote it 2 years ago, DYM Scholars surely recognized the irony of the "Ultimate" Star Wars Theory being concocted before the release of the last Star Wars movie. Let's be honest - we had no fucking clue what was gonna happen in Episode IX. We actually thought broom boy was gonna be a thing. But really the joke of the original USWT was the same one we always do - if we say we're gonna talk about something next week it'll likely never be mentioned again, and if we say this is the last word on a subject it most certainly is not. Which means we will never be filling in those blacked out [IX] boxes on the Hero's Journey breakdown. Never. The first edition of the DYM Ultimate Star Wars Theory was actually neither "ultimate" nor an entirely consistent "theory." Hopefully this post will be at least one of those things. DYM ULTIMATE STAR WARS THEORY PART II: THE LAST WORD ON EPISODE IX A lot of things happened in Episode IX. Most of the time when someone asks us about it that's what we say. "It was a lot of things". The movie moves so fast - characters talk over each other, scenes cut frenetically between way too many different planets - it could easily have been 45 minutes longer without adding one line of dialogue. The first time we saw it, it was like a fever dream of a Star Wars movie. We recognized most of the characters and the scenes, but as we left the theater we felt like half the story was rapidly evaporating from our memory. But also like a dream, although we easily forgot the details, a few peculiar images persisted. Things we had never seen in Star Wars before, or never this intimately: A burial, a snake, and a woman in a gold helmet. And like a dream, we now believe those strange and persistent images are keys to the deeper meaning behind the story - the reason why it was told. GOLD HELMETS There have only been two gold helmets in Star Wars cannon and both of them first appeared in 2019. Our theory is that Zorii Bliss and The Mandalorian Armorer both represent the same mythic archetype - namely the Greek goddess Athena. Athena is the guardian of heroes, she visits them on their quests, or appears to them in her temple, to bestow knowledge and gifts that they will need to complete their journey. Precisely same role that Zorii and The Armorer play in Star Wars. She is also the most powerful war goddess. She was born with a shield and spear in her hands. She killed giants in defense of Olympus. In the Iliad she fought alongside Achilles in the final battle and helped kill Hector to aide Achilles' escape, and even defeated Ares himself. Perseus kills Medusa and brings the head back to Athena. She uses the head to make a shield and suit of armour. She is a leader and voice of reason to the journeying hero - calming Achilles' rage when he threatens to kill his own men. She is also a virgin goddess. The "Parthenon", which translates to "temple of the virgin goddess", was named for her. When Medusa was beheaded blood poured out of her neck, and from the stream sprang the winged horse Pegasus. Athena was then the original keeper of Pegasus and it is said she invented the first bridle, saddle, and chariot. This is the etymological source of her epithet Hippia (Ἵππια "of the horses"), and the temple mentioned by Pausinias called the temple of Athena Chalinitis ("the bridler"). (Yes, Babu Frik is Hera. We'll do that one next month.) Lest one think we're grasping straws with this rather opaque jumping off point of "a woman in a gold helmet", allow us to dwell on the minutiae of the aesthetic similarities as well: Zorii's helmet has a crest extending above and behind her head, similar to the feathered crest of Athena's helmet (or perhaps reminiscent of the Pharoic crowns of Lower Egypt - more on that below). Later images of "Pallas Athena" show the goddess with a more complex helmet design. Instead of the single crest, there are usually with five points along the top of the helmet. The name Pallas Athena refers to her role in the war of "Gigantomachy" where the gods of Olympus battled for ten years against the ancient race of "Gigantes". There Athena killed the giant called Pallas, then skinned the giant and dressed herself in it's skin to make herself stronger. That's one weird trick she'd employ habitually throughout the tales of Greek heroes. The Pallas Athena in the statue pictured above has since afixed the face and hair of Medusa to the front of her robes. The Armorer is the only Mandalorian we've ever seen (since the Clone Wars scenes on the planet Mandalor) that wears anything other than Mando armor. She appears to have at least two layers of armor and an animal skin on top. As of yet we don't have a cannon origin story for the Armorer's pelt, but we bet it's gonna be a trip. The five "points" on Athena's helmet, as one can clearly see above, are actually a series of miniature figures: a sphinx, flanked by two griffins, and the wings on either side denote this as Hades' cap of invisibility (which she wore to battle Ares in the Illiad). The three figures in the center are interchangeable in Attic art and later antiquity: Sometimes it's a sphinx, sometimes it's an eagle, sometimes it's the dogs of hell - Cerberus and Orthrus, sometimes it's a hydra or sea monster. She most often is shown wearing images of the serpentine beasts her heroes have slain. Athena continued to be depicted in this attire for the majority of the late classical period and throughout Rome (as Minerva). That's significant, especially considering the history of these gods' relationship with snakes. SNAKES OF THE UNDERWORLD Snakes, serpents and dragons are found in the mythology and religion of cultures across the world dating back to the late paleolithic era. For as long as human beings have been writing, they've been writing about snakes. Given the near complete ubiquity of mythic snakes one could say there are just two types of religions in the world: those who worship snakes, and those who fear snakes. Interestingly both sides tend to describe snakes the same way - Snakes come from the ground, and while in the ground they commune with the dead. When dead people are buried, the snakes know the way to the afterlife. Loosely interpreted, this image of the snake was part of the founding myths of native cultures of Bali, China, India, Syria, Greece, Egypt, Scotland, Norway, North and South America, and many many others. Snakes are always the keepers of the underworld, whether or not one worships them depends entirely on who is buried in the ground. Joseph Campbell argued that settled, pastoral cultures have tended to have maternalistic myths where the serpent is more likely to be a helper or protagonist, and nomadic cultures tend to be paternalistic and anti-snake. Jung and Freud both discussed burial rites in classical mythology as being akinto a "solemn marriage" (legal marriage ceremony) between a people and the land on which they live. Once a people have settled in an area they lay a claim to the plot of earth by burying their dead along with sacrifices to their mother goddess. That piece of earth is then their earth, and only then are the snakes friendly to them. Campbell further demonstrated that for both types of culture there is a distinction between the gods of the "chthonic or under-earth, and the telluric or upper-earth, of which we think when we think of Mother Earth. These are the two aspects of the Goddess, appearing as two goddesses." Campbell had not finished writing Goddesses when he died in 1987, but since then contemporary discoveries in archeology, linguistics, genealogy, and studies of the history of mythological syncretism in the Near East have continued to support his hypotheses. In 2018 archeologists discovered the region's earliest known snake sculptures in the Ukraine at Kamyana Mohyla. The figures were carbon-dated to about 8000 bc - at least 4000 years before the Sumerians recorded the first written language. This site, like Çatalhöyük in Turkey, is believed to have been a post-hunter-gatherer society. They were a long-settled, pastoral, and matriarchal culture. Findings at the site indicate they buried their dead in their own homes, even under their own beds, and they seem to have invoked snakes in their burial rites (see wall carving image above). Historians today trace the roots of written Indo-European languages back to the mid-4th millennium bc when the nomadic Yamnaya warriors raided those pastoral natives and settled briefly in the river deltas north of the Black Sea. Archeologically, the defining characteristic of the Yamna was their burial rituals - the word "Yamnaya" in Russian and Ukrainian means "related to pits." In some of the world's largest neolithic burial sites, The Yamnaya are believed to have built underground tombs out in the hills away from their towns. These "kurgans" (burial mounds), unlike the private at-home burials of Kamyana Mohyla, appear to have been reserved for the elite warrior class. Notably, kurgans have been found to contain both human and animal remains, and graves are covered with giant tombstones cut in the shape of a person. They were also amongst the first people of Europe to record their religious fear of snakes. Historians believe the Yamna conquered the pastoral nations of the region, destroying most records of their ancient goddess religions. Campbell retells the era in Godesses: Archaeological research proved that the Indo-Europeans’ arrival was a comparatively late development; the modern dating of ancient Sumer and of Egypt, along with what we now know of Old Europe before these people came in—all this has changed the picture considerably. We now see that the Indo-Europeans came in as warrior-ravagers and that in each region they knocked down the civilization that was already there. Then they absorbed the influence of the earlier civilization and out of that synthesis came the high golden period of Greece. The earlier civilizations belonged to the goddess; the later to the gods. There is a perfect parallel in Southwest Asia, with the Semites arriving in Mesopotamia, Egypt, and so forth, as they had as their principal interest a kind of rough nomadic warcraft. Archeologists and other folks much smarter than us have undertook thorough analyses of the opaque ancient iconography of the early these neolithic and bronze age tribes (check your local library!). Though we think for our purposes it will suffice to say that the Yamnaya, a culture of nomadic herders and warrior kings, did not feel the same kinship with this particular plot of earth as their predecessors had - and so the snakes they found in the Black Sea were not their snakes. The Yamna split up and began to migrate across Europe and Southern Asia beginning around 3000 bc. This ancient nomadic culture is the earliest known ancestor of the Slavic, Celtic, Balkan, Germanic, Persian, Vedic, and Hellenic peoples. Hence, there are direct cultural and linguistic ties between the classical myths of all these cultures and the story now known as the Chaoskampf. This is a primordial mythic tale, shared in some form by all post-Yamnaya cultures where the national hero or god battles against the agents of chaos, in the shape of a giant snake or dragon. Around 1000 bc Classical Greek culture as we know it was established. Their founding myth, the tale of Zeus claiming the throne on Mount Olympus, is a battle between he and a giant snake called Typhon. In this story, the snake was, or course, born from Gaia (the Earth) herself. Zeus slays the beast and buries it under the mountains. Classical sources describe those mountains being in Africa (as the vision of most nomadic myths are oriented westward), but they also may be a reference to their ancestor's kurgans, where they buried their dragons in the hills far away from their cities. Interestingly, in later Greek sources, we find another version of Typhon's birth where he is the rival of the Greeks national tutelary goddess, Athena. HELM OF SNAKES In 1903 archeologist Arthur Evans discovered the remains of the Pre-Hellenic Minoan civilization on the island of Crete. Until this time western history had no knowledge of the native people of the islands before the first millenium bc. Evans believes that they, like the Turkish and Ukranian natives, were a pastoral maternalistic culture. In their capital Knossos (once called Europe's oldest city) he discovered statues of a Mother Goddess - she is always standing with a small animal on her head and a snake in each hand. Very little is known for sure about the role of this goddess, besides that she was very popular (at least 5 statues and several paintings were recovered from the Knossos site), and that she bears a striking resemblance to even older Syrian snake goddess and some older statues found in Mesopotamia. It's a reasonable assumption that this image, or the Neolithic image on that inspired it, helped shape the image of the Greek's saviour goddess as well. Athena was the protector of the Greek nation, their national god. So as the protector of "heroes" she was first and foremost the protector of Greek armies and kings. Her sidekick is Nike the goddess of victory so, as a warrior goddess she was undefeated. The beautiful pure Athena, the greek goddess of wisdom, was actually military a tactician. She was born with a spear and shield in her hands. The story goes that Zeus gave birth to Athena alone - without Hera (which we guess is sort of a virgin birth in a way) - and she was born fully grown and equally powerful as Zeus himself. Hera was insulted so she went to make a child for herself who would also be as strong as Zeus and also be evil. In this version of the story Typhon is a bane on the world of man (not the gods). Typhon married the sea monster Echidna and their children became a rogues gallery for all greek heroes and their patron, Athena. In our hasty wikipedia browsing over the past week we confirmed that all twelve of Typhon and Echidna descendants were killed (or as Cerberus, captured) by one of Athena's favored heroes. We also found iconic antique renderings of Athena showing her wearing each of the monsters on her hat (the only exceptions being the Nameian Lion who became Heracles' favorite coat, The Calydonian Boar who was sacrificed in Athena's temple, and Cerberus who of course was not killed, merely captured, by Heracles): You might have noticed there are a lot of snakes, dragons, and sea serpents in Typhon's family tree, and coincidentally the least serpentine among them - the lion, dog and boar (all ancient totem animals representing death, same as the snake) - were given away or sacrificed after they were slain. She takes the images of the monsters - specifically the serpents - and reclaims them, she makes them a part of her. Herodotus tells us that when he was a boy Athenians thought their goddess to be incarnated as a snake: "They have a great snake which guards the Acropolis and to which each month offerings of honey cake are made, and graciously received. But at the time of the Persian invasion, the snake refused to eat the offering. And when the priestess announced this, the Athenians deserted the city the more readily because the Goddess herself had deserted the Acropolis." In Jungian psychological terms, their corresponding virginal births clearly make Typhon the animus of Athena, and she is his anima. They are two sides of the same personality. One side conscious, the other subconscious - the rejected, suppressed shadow side. Athena's journey is a recollection of the images of her own subconscious, which is the subconscious of the very zeitgeist of the Greek people. As much as they hate and try to destroy the image of the serpent, deep in their hearts they know it is a part of them; perhaps the most vital original part of them. The image of the snake represents the beginning and end of their earthly lives, the long lost home that the Yamnic nomads left behind, and also the new one that they still seek. The most popular academic method of interpreting classical myths is by way of political history. The gods and heroes represent the nation that wrote the story, and the monsters represent foreigners. This is another useful metaphor to apply to the images of Athena during Herodotus' day. By 500 bc the Greeks' roots were firm in the Hellenic islands but the journeying nomadic spirit of their Yamnic forefathers begged them to voyage outward once again. Artifacts from this time from across the Middle East and southern Europe show strong Greek cultural influences. At this time pre-Socratic philosophers often made note of the similarities between their own pantheon and those of the neighboring nations with whom they were becoming more closely acquainted. Perhaps a bit proudly, they most often compared themselves to the Egyptians. These sorts of comparisons are far easier for us today, with this 10,000 foot view of ancient history. It's unlikely any ancient Greek thinkers recognized the depth of irony in the fact that their people had left the steppe land 3,000 years earlier, after vanquishing the lands' serpent demons and leaving monumental tombs in the hills, only to arrive at the shores of the Mediterranean and find such similar tombs - filled with both animals and men, but reserved for kings - built by people who for the last 3,000 years had been telling a remarkably similar story to their own. Greek thinkers adored the Egyptians and learned all they could from them - The Egyptians and Ethiopians of the 3rd-1st centuries bc were among the most advanced on earth in mathematics, medicine, astronomy, and other proto-sciences. The great doctors, politicians and philosophers of Greece all studied in the kingdoms of eastern Africa. They learned about Egyptian religion too, and found it quite comprehensible through the framework of their own Pantheon. By the time of Alexander the Great and the Ptolemaic Dynasty in Egypt, the only real difference between the Greeks and the Egyptians was the Egyptians weren't afraid of snakes. But comparative mythology, was not just an academic curiosity for the likes of Herodotus, Pseudo-Apollodorus, and the later Pythagoreans. It was a political necessity as well. International relations had both greatly enriched and gravely threatened Greek life by the mid-first century bc. At the same time as they mingled with the Egyptians, the Greek kings tried to maintain an uneasy peace with the growing Persian empire to their east. But under Cyrus The Great, the powerful Persian empires would expand to overtake all of Greece. Fortunately, Cyrus famously allowed all his subjects to continue practicing their own religions. This allowed another generation to retell the ancient war stories of the Gods and Titans. Those later Greek poets must have felt that those stories had become more important for their nation than they had ever been before. By then, all those snakes adorning Pallas Athena's gown and helmet came to symbolize what they had learned from the Egyptians and the Persians, as well as the protection they would need to begin their next journey. When the the Persians sacked Athens in 480 bc Herodotus - one of our greatest extant sources on Attic Greek mythology - was just 4 years old. It's no wonder why his version of Athena would feel like she needed a few extra skins for protection. A couple hundred years later, Alexander the Great would revive the Greek empire and installed Ptolemy as the first Greek Pharaoh of Egypt. Alexander re-conquered all the land from the Mediterranean to what is now Kabul, Afghanistan in the name of Greece. There they became reacquainted with the ancient Babylonian goddess Ishtar. The warrior goddess born from the blood of her castrated father's testicles - just like their own Aphrodite - who was depicted so similarly to their beloved Athena. The cultures blended, and many obscure syncretic cults emerged throughout Greece. Some of these cults even worshipped long-forgotten goddesses of their ancestors on the near-eastern steppe - like Cybele from Çatalhöyük, and Bendis from Thracia. By the time Athens fell, The Roman Empire was already on the rise. As we all know, Roman religious texts and rites were borrowed entirely from the Greek Pantheon. No deep allegorical analysis needed to compare these two - the Romans changed very little in the Greek narratives besides renaming the gods in Latin. And the prescriptive message that the myths spoke to the Roman people was, of course, the same as it had been since long before Greece was Greek. The motivating cultural force inspired by the nomadic monomyth has always been, and will always be, providential westward expansion. MANIFEST DESTINY The phrase “manifest destiny” was first used in 1845 by American journalist John L. O’Sullivan: “A manifest destiny to overspread and to possess the whole of the continent which providence has given us for the development of the great experiment of liberty and federated self-government entrusted to us.” It is the meaning of the Latin phrase that appears on the back of the US $1 bill: Annuit Cœptis - “God has favored our endeavors.” The latin phrasing comes from a scene in Rome's founding myth the Aeneid. The future king Ascanius asks Jupiter for his help in fighting the war against the native Italians so they can found a nation in Italy. "Iuppiter omnipotens, audacibus adnue coeptis" “Jupiter Almighty, favour [my] bold undertakings.” Jupiter did bless Ascanius and every Roman Emperor after him inherited the blessing. Just like their Yamnic ancestors, the Roman Empire conquered every nation north and west of their homeland, until they - like the eventual Greeks - reached the sea. Time passes. The Roman Empire falls and is replaced by the Roman Catholic Church. By this time, The Church had exceeded the Greeks, and even Cyrus the Great, in their adeptness at appropriating pagan rites and gods by way of syncretism. Their imaginative reinterpretation of Judeo-Christian myth would enable The Church to maintain a stronghold on every continent. So much so that even after the French Revolution ushered in the Age of Enlightenment, Napoleon could not truly rule Paris, let alone the rest of his empire without a pact with Rome. Meanwhile, across the great sea, a “New World” had been discovered and the flame of providential western expansion had already been sparked anew. Europeans ventured to America and became nomads once again. ... George Lucas has stated repeatedly that his intent in making Star Wars was to create a mythology for 21st century America. But of course, 20th century America already had well-established national myths. Lucas grew up watching Westerns, which largely conjure the 19th century American rallying cry of Manifest Destiny. Andrew Jackson's bloody subjugation of Native American peoples, and of the very land of the continent itself, was glorified in the heroic adventures of cowboys on film and television. My parents' generation grew up idolizing Zorro and The Lone Ranger. Iconic actors like John Wayne and Clint Eastwood became synonymous with the genre so even when they appeared in other types of films the audience fully understood that Sgt. Stryker (in Sands of Iwo Jima) and Dirty Harry have both come to lay down the law (and slay the proverbial chaos) - they're still the sheriff in this here town. So it's easy to see how the archetypes and values of the quintessentially American genre - Westerns - naturally persisted into war movies, urban dramas, romances, and sports movies even as the popularity of Westerns themselves waned in the later 20th century. The pivotal scene in the Hero's Journey of the American West was Davy Crockett joining the battle at The Alamo. The stories of the heroes of The Alamo were largely popularized on screen in the 1950's by Walt Disney. Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier first aired in 1955, the same year that they built their first monumental castle on the continent's westernmost shore. Disney had then performed their "solemn marriage" with the American continent. Our collective millenia of westward exploration had come to an end, and Disney had become the keepers and guardians of the American Myth. That year George Lucas was 9 years old. That image of The Alamo - the ragtag group of rebels facing impossible odds - must have left an indelible mark on the imagination of a young George Lucas. The argument for the cinematic influence of Westerns on Star Wars is quite straightforward, and is already very well-treaded ground in the world of film analysis. Moreover, we would not be the first to compare the frontiersman, particularly Davy Crockett, to Achilles and Odysseus; Nor would we be the first to draw the parallels between Crockett joining up at the Alamo and Luke Skywalker joining the battle against the Death Star. But now that the Skywalker Saga is complete, and Star Wars approaches 50 years of residency in the American imagination, we can bring Star Wars into the fold of American Mythology in much more interesting ways. By the 1950s America had solidified its own version of the ancient chaoskampf in TV cowboys representing the myth of Manifest Destiny: Tales of rugged individuals braving new frontiers, imbued with divine righteousness, fending off ancient and powerful enemy forces. It was instrumental in the zeitgeist of early 20th century America, and to its children, the story still begged to be retold. The spirit of the Yamnaya would live on for another generation. But as Lucas explains, American politics in the 1960s left him and many other young Americans disillusioned with their parents' righteous image of “America”. The cold utilitarianism of the Nixon administration seemed antithetical to the honesty and honor they ascribed to Lincoln, and to the forthright bravery of Roosevelt. By the 1970s America herself had become the great tyrannical serpent that it once fought against. With Star Wars, Lucas undertook to remove the American myth from the harsh realities of the America he knew. He wanted to retell the myths of his childhood but with new heroes - timeless heroes - as to appeal to contemporary, and even future, audiences. He also sought to make an American myth that itself had a greater sense of history than the starkly nomadic westerns. This is accomplished directly in the text of Episode IV (“For a thousand generations the Jedi were the guardians of peace...”) and thematically by incorporating cinematic tropes of golden age Hollywood and classical music. It was praised and beloved. Between 1978 and 2005 (the Lucas Star Wars era) Star Wars became engrained in American culture to the point of ubiquity. It arguably became one of the tutelary myths of millennial American culture. The original Star Wars was seen at the time as a huge departure from many of the era's established movie-making tropes. Many of these departures were received scornfully by the film industry. Lucas' written narrative introduction appeared on screen where there should have been production credits. He used an original operatic soundtrack of classical music, eschewing modern popular music. These were seen as a slap-in-the-face to the movie-making establishment. But those choices, along with all the very intentional references to classic mythology, were made to both stylistically separate Star Wars from its contemporaries and also to open up the audience's imagination by harkening back to some long forgotten cinematic traditions. But try as it might to rebel, Star Wars is inescapably American. So clearly it's heroes must be nomads. Luke, Leia, Han and Chewie have all lost their homes, and throughout the series they are rousted out of every hideout they find. The fact that the heroes are homeless gives a textual explanation for why the beloved dead are always burned in Star Wars movies (I, II, III, IV, VI), and adds an incredible depth of symbolism to the fact that almost nothing* is ever buried until the last scene of Episode IX. The song John Williams wrote for that scene is called A New Home. For Star Wars, that new home is Disney. The cultural rise of Star Wars (and comic books, and other serialized heroic adventures) did nothing to dissuade Disney from claiming the serpent covered helm of Athena. For nearly 100 years now Disney has remained the foremost American myth maker. They are still the protector of American heroes. They built another monument on our continent's eastern shore, just like Alexander returning to ancestral Mesopotamia; and then they reconstructed their monument all around the globe, which reminds us of the Roman-Celtic sanctuaries to Sulis-Minerva (the Latin Athena) found at the northwesternmost corner of the Roman Empire. Disney never stopped telling myths. She communes with the snakes of America's forefathers, and she travels the world collecting all the snakes of the world's cultures. By 2012 Disney had become the awesome and fearsome Pallas Athena wearing the skins of giants, her robes threaded with snake scales, and on top of her helmet sat a mysterious sphinx, flanked by the hounds of Hades. George Lucas’ myth may have sought to embrace the archetypal Mother Serpent of the underworld when he thought he had rejected and suppressed the anima he felt in Disney’s nomadic myths. But now Disney, as the conquering warrior goddess Athena, is the serpent. And so, now that we see the goddess covered head-to-toe in snake scale she begins to appear less like the terrible serpent of Yamnic chaos she slayed, and more like the heroic Egyptian goddess Wadjet - guardian of the Nile river kingdom. 5,000 years ago our cultural ancestors - the nomadic Yamna people - left behind a land of unfriendly ghosts and serpent demons, only to settle at the seaside next to Egypt - a land protected by great serpents. And of course, as Campbell has shown us, The Hero always returns to the place where they started - so we now understand why even today the most fearsome gods of our nation appear to us in the form of a snake. ... Well, folks, that’s what Episode IX is about. Zorii Bliss is Athena, and Athena is Disney. Rey descending to the underground lair and healing the giant snake, and then burying the lightsabers is a perfect inverse (reflection) of Zeus's foundational victory - Typhon ascended to the heavens where Zeus slayed him with his thunderbolts and then buried the great snake under the mountains. The buried lightsabers are Star Wars' sacrifice to Disney-Athena, now Star Wars may consummate it's sacred marriage with the American Myth. So if one had been asked to pick just one Greek god to appear in Episode IX, Athena would've been a very good answer. But a better answer would have been Dionysus, because Dionysus always brings the PARTY FAVORS!!! THE FESTIVAL So far this argument may seem like an apologia for Episode IX. When we gave the elevator pitch of Ultimate Star Wars Theory Part 2 to the wife she asked "So you're coming around? You like Episode IX now?" And we said "Well, insofar as it's a fever dream, yea, I suppose... I mean, I've had nightmares that are useful. So I guess that's what Episode IX was like. A productive nightmare." To keep it 100 with the true DYM Scholars who've made it this far, despite the plethora of problems with Episode IX that we've talked about over the last year, we gotta admit the thing we're still the most salty about is our ONE miss out of ten predictions we made for Episode IX back in the summer of 2019. To recap, those predictions were: 1) The first scene would feature a hooded figure entering a circular doorway. 2) A hologram appears EXACTLY nine minutes into the film (in Episode IX the first hologram appears at 7:00, not 9. We're still counting it. Fuck you, JJ. More on that below) 3) The heroes encounter a giant, slimy overlord. 4) A primitive army helps the heroes against a technologically advanced adversary. 5) An epic chase scene ensues. 6) A tearful "goodbye" is had amongst the hero and their family. 7) The hero pilots a new ship. 8) The hero hides from troopers in a hallway. 9) A spy is revealed. and the only one we got wrong - 10) The heroes' non-human companion gets them in trouble by trying to steal a bite to eat. You gotta admit that was impressive ("most impressive"). But the more we think about it, we're coming to realize that that one miss might have been the most important archetype in all of Star Wars. The Rise of Skywalker was the longest of the 9 Skywalker Saga movies (155 min) but not one character has so much as a sip of refreshment, which might be the reason why it was among the least enjoyable Star Wars movies. Our "predictions" were all just things that had also happened in Episodes I, VI, and VII - The episodes that we presumed IX would have the most in common with. But food should have been the easy one. Lucas' heroes either eat something, or are eaten, in EVERY Star War except for Episode III, which was once widely considered the least enjoyable Star War of the Lucas era (66% audience approved on rotten tomatoes). Interestingly Episode VIII was also widely panned by a certain segment of Star Wars fandom (ie: people who are wrong), and it was the only Star War besides Episode III in which the heroes were NOT eaten (or threatened to be eaten) by a monster. Campbell explains that as archetypes of sacramental tradition the image of a hero eating and being eaten are synonymous. Just as Jesus told his disciples at the last supper - He will become the food and they will eat of him. Combine this with the deeper spiritual knowledge that the divine image is actually an image of ourselves, and we too become the food we eat. We understand that the animal being sacrificed is a part of ourselves, so the very act of eating and drinking is tied to the mysteries of death and birth - the realm of the Mother Goddess. So what we eat is a killed deity, whether it’s an animal we’re killing and eating or a plant we’re picking. The sense of saying grace before meals has been reduced to thanking God for giving you the food, but the real grace should be thanking God for being the food. That’s the sense of the communion in the Christian Church, where what you eat is God—Jesus, who gave his life that we might live. In classical mythology the most tumultuous or emotional part of the hero's journey is often punctuated by a surprising or comedic scene. Campbell refers to it as the festival scene: Demeter had scoured the Earth looking for her lost daughter Persephone. As she sat down, tearful and distraught, the princesses she was staying with drank wine and regaled her with jokes. They were able to coerce some laughter from the goddess, and she is then able to refocus and complete the most difficult part of her journey - the descent into Hades. The intent is that the audience would laugh as well, and shake them from the stressful emotion of the gripping epic tale. This allows them to open the playful, creative, and imaginative part of their minds, making them more receptive to the fantastic divine mystery that the story would soon reveal. Most Star Wars movies have deftly employed this narrative device: In Episode I, Qui Gon leads his party through the market and into the Skywalkers' home where they sit down for a meal. There he would reveal that he is a Jedi, and Anakin may be as well. In Episode IV, Han sits down with a drink and a soup bowl to watch Luke take his first steps into a larger world. In Episode VIII, Chewbacca sacrifices a porg and blesses it in the flames just before Rey makes contact with Kylo through their force-bond. ... and many, many more. We honestly believe that the reason why Episode III is so off-putting is because there are way too many mystical secrets revealed and not nearly enough snacks. Sure, everybody complains about the acting in Episodes II and III, especially the awkward interactions between Anakin and Padme, but you know you loved that floating fruit scene in Episode II. The reason we still rank Episode IX as the least enjoyable Star War is because the novelization of Episode III is by far the best of the entire series. The accounts of Anakin and Obi-Wan's inner monologues are strikingly poetic. And, more importantly, there are three deleted scenes in which our heroes are either eatin' or eaten: About mid-way through, C-3PO serves the senators drinks as they discuss a plan to establish the Rebel Alliance. Then after Order-66 a sea monster tries to eat Obi-Wan but causes a commotion that allows him to escape. The scene cuts to Yoda making his way through the clone army lines to escape Kashyyk. To disguise himself, Yoda covers his head and body with mud and pretends to eat a dead wookie as the clones pass by (tbh that one was pretty weird even for us, maybe it's for the best it didn't make the final cut). Credit where credit's due: Episode IX had a pivotal scene where the heroes stumble upon a literal festival on the desert planet Pasaana. That scene was immediately followed by the archetypal Magic Flight scene, and then a literal descent into the underworld where they encountered a giant snake who tried to eat them (the second of two giant snakes who try to eat the heroes of Episode IX). Somehow, through all that the only creature who we see actually having a nosh are these little guys called the Oki-Poki, if you blinked you mighta missed it. What really bothers us about this is that the writer(s) clearly knew what they were doing with the symbolism in these scenes. They're deeply ironic: There are so many winking, tongue in cheek comments and images that ought to have been foreshadowing but didn't pay off. We've been saying for years that Star Wars writers must be reading DYM, but this time it really felt like they were personally fucking with us. (The kites were colorful, but the delectability of the sweets is very much in doubt.) While inside the festival Rey is stopped by a girl who wants to give her something. "This is it," we thought, "lunch time!" But no. The kid gave Rey a stupid fucking necklace instead 'cause JJ Abrams is a fucking hack that couldn't think of a better way to demonstrate Kylo's increasing power than to have him snatch a chain off Rey's neck like like he's Aqib fuckin' Talib. Among the other HIGHLY symbolic images that distracted Rey at the festival but foreshadowed NOTHING were: A group of young children laughing innocently (Rey does NOT have a child in this movie), and several effigies and mock funeral pyres (There are no funeral pyres for Leia or Ben). Even the first time we saw it, everything about that scene was eyebrow-raising. A few minutes later, when they enter the serpent's lair, 3PO really starts to lay it on thick. But at this point our stomach was growling and we were not in the mood for jokes anymore. Just after the crew falls through the roof of the Vexis’ lair C-3PO wanders about the cavern muttering to himself: “Is this the afterlife?” He wonders aloud, “Are droids allowed here?” A moment later Poe shudders at the sight of Ochi’s decayed skeleton. 3PO comments: “Bones, never a good sign.” Then, just in case anyone missed it, when Poe becomes outraged at 3PO‘s inability to say the only thing they want him to, the droid muses: “Yes, irony, sir.” OK, so they're having fun. We're not here to begrudge anybody a good laugh, that's what the festival is supposed to be for. But c'mon!!! Lando showed up to the party, and even he didn't get a drink!! Fuck Pasaana, yo. If we were Finn we woulda took Ochi's ship straight back to Canto Bight. Zorii and Poe woulda loved that place. (SMGDH, indeed.) * As it turns out, there was one (1) other burial in a Star Wars movie before 2019 - Shmi Skywalker. Anakin buried her in Episode II, RIGHT AFTER Padme offers him a bite to eat. We coulda swore the saber burial was the first ever burial in any Star War, but our brother Syd was dubious so we took a closer look. We were slightly disappointed, to be honest, but we don't think this really disproves the present thesis. HAVE A GREAT STAR WARS EVERYBODY!!!! REFERENCES: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Athena https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gorgon https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erichthonius_of_Athens https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pegasus https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pontus_(mythology) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Echidna_(mythology) https://jungiangenealogy.weebly.com/serpent.html https://sifk.uchicago.edu/news/the-romans-just-wars-and-exceptionalism/ https://mimirsbrunnr.com/2018/12/14/the-boar-helmet-2000bc-to-500bcthe-pontic-steppe-to-italy/ https://archive.org/stream/collectedworksof92cgju/collectedworksof92cgju_djvu.txt https://www.starwars.com/news/9-star-wars-foods https://boards.theforce.net/threads/food-in-episode-iii.18387289/ https://whattheforce.ca/investigating-the-other-aliens-in-star-wars/ https://alienanthology.wordpress.com/2020/04/02/alien-compendium-the-rise-of-skywalker/amp/ https://www.starwars.com/news/drawing-from-the-imagination-mythological-creatures-in-star-wars-part-1
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #3!!!
WOKE WEDNESDAYS WITH KYRIE IRVING What's up, Special Ed? I know you guys were hoping for more Cum Jesus this month. It's coming along, but I'm still in the ideation phase to be honest. That’s ok, though, since I got a lotta work to do at the job right now. This could be a banner year in my non-basketball-playing career. We’re 30 games into the season now and me and KD have each only played about 20. KD has the sweet setup this year 'cause of that clutch achilles surgery. I think he’s not playing any back-to-backs OR road games, it’s the best! I tried to get that schedule too but Coach Steve wasn’t tryina hear it. So, instead, I decided to just play the first month then take a month off to party for my sister’s birthday. I needed that break, and KD and ‘em held it down too! They went 6-2 while I was gone, but old man Nash couldn't just let me chill. Blowin' up my phone everyday. So now I’m like - “Damn. I really don’t feel like goin' back to work anyway but now I KNOW when I get there Nash's gonna be all in my face tryin' to talk about “point guard” shit. Fuck that!” So that’s when I had the GENIUS idea. Man, that shit could not have worked out better. It was too fuckin easy. Everybody knew that our guy James fuckin' hated playing with Russ’ try-hard ass in Houston. He used to tell us that shit all the time. Any time he saw Russ play he'd say some shit like - “It is too damn hot in Texas for a man to be runnin' around like that.” HAHAHA!! Fuck Russ, yo!!! Jay loves playin' with us. We don;t give a fuck, we're gonna let him take all the damn shots he wants, and we’re NEVER gonna tell him to hustle. He's happy as a clam! His first 8 games here we let him get 3 triple doubles and 7 double doubles. Then I got one of my boys to start talking to him about breaking J-Kidd’s records and shit, next thing you know HE’S the fuckin' point guard!!! We played that motherfucker like Huckleberry fuckin' Finn. Classic. Me and KD are gonna sit out this whole west coast road trip. Straight chillin. Kev said: "If Jay wanted to get outta Houston so bad, let him deal with the fuckin' jet lag." HA!! DYM is kinda busy too, I guess. They wanted me to come through this month cause they said they’re "trying to do more reading than writing these days." 🤷♂️ Ever since they won that SESB with Josh Allen they’ve been obsessed with the number 17. “Hero’s Journey blah blah blah...” They won't shut up about it. Last month the Research Dept guys got into reading about Pythagoras. They said they’re tryin' to figure out why people are afraid of prime numbers, or something. I never totally got it. But, then - once they found out there was gonna be a “Big 3” in Brooklyn and the three of us all picked new jersey numbers and they’re 7, 11, and 13 - the whole Home Office kinda lost it. It's fuckin' nutso if you ask me. I can’t even get em to read the new Star Wars novel. They’re down in the Home Office Basement flipping those old ass, sepia lookin' book pages, gettin' all those paper cuts, and the new SW is just sitting there on their kindle. Idk. I might have to take over the DYM Off-Season for another few months, but at least I don’t have to run Mike D'Antoni's fuckin' offense any more. DYM hasn’t gone off the deep end just yet, but they’re right near the edge. Even I don’t know where they’re going with all this Ancient Greek shit. Fuckin' white devil Pythagoras stole all that shit from the Egyptians anyway. I keep tryina tell 'em. They're gonna come around tho. We’re excited honestly, 'cause DYM’s big off-season think pieces are some of my favorite shits on the internets. One of their most controversial, and my personal favorite, is DYMOS 2019 #1: "Aliens aren't real. But if Earth is the only planet with life, then it’s also the only planet with GHOSTS." That take was right in my wheelhouse. As an environmentalist, I'm not too concerned with space travel and shit like that. We got big enough problems on this planet. I just can't be bothered with aliens anymore. Anyways. Rush Limbaugh died on Wednesday, which got me thinkin' about ghosts again. Most people these days spend a lot more time thinking about aliens than ghosts, and they got it all wrong! WOKE WEDNESDAYS WITH KYRIE PRESENTS: ALIENS vs. GHOSTS Pt. 2!! ALIENS STILL AREN'T REAL I used to be into aliens and shit when I was a kid. It's fun to think about, but once you learn a little bit about the true nature of the universe the whole theory falls apart pretty quickly. I think DYM did a nice job demonstrating that. But still, these days, it seems like EVERYBODY believes this ET/UFO garbage. Back in my day the whole point of believing in aliens was because the government told us NOT to. Now we got regular squares out here thinkin' aliens are real cause the "Navy" released some "pictures". SMGDH. But it's not just the herbs gettin' scammed nowadays, even the heartiest denizens of the internets are falling for this "UFO" propaganda. From what I understand, a big part of the QAnon theory is that the Democrats are supposed to be some sorta reptilian aliens. And that they drink kids' blood so they can live forever. Something like that. That's the elevator pitch. I don't fuck with QAnon much 'cause I heard this podcast where the guy really broke it all down and it totally opened my eyes: "First of all, there are no aliens. They're fallen angels. And if you do any research into it you know that that's true. What are known as "benevolent aliens," according to UFO culture, are Nordics who have Scadinavian characteristics. Many people equate them with good angels..." but they're not. Obama and Pelosi and 'em are neither alien, nor reptilian, nor angel. They're human, but they're genetically engineered hybrids of ancient royal bloodlines. Makes a lot more sense when you think about it. The really crazy part to me isn't the Q theory itself - on paper it's pretty standard fare - I just can't believe people followed that shit for so long! It's the most obvious false flag psy-op of the last 20 years... I mean Biden won, the Ds won the Senate, AND they got like 1,000 proud boys to tell on themselves on twitter so they could arrest 'em later. Isn't it obvious who's benefiting from this campaign? It's so transparent. You ever noticed how easy it is to find out all about Q? How it seems like it's everywhere? The REAL conspiracy theorists I fuck with are gettin' canceled into oblivion, and Anderson Cooper's talking about UFOs and Q right there on goddamn CNN!!! They WANT you to talk about aliens! Just like they wanted those "insurrectionists" to talk about Q. It's a set up. There’s a lot of theories out there about fake conspiracies, but Q is a fake conspiracy theory. I BELIEVE IN GHOSTS AND YOU SHOULD TOO The nature of the afterlife is, by definition, unknowable. Yet mankind has always vainly craved the opportunity to see behind the veil, if only just to know what lies there, and then return to life. This is the apple that Adam was told not to eat, and it’s now our curse. As a sociological construct, the basic function of organized religion, is just that: to organize. It groups people around that one singular common interest, and then places the new community into a hierarchical power structure. The vehicle that uniquely enables this function for a religion is the supposition that the elders of the faith hold some mysterious knowledge (eg knowledge of the afterlife) and provide a path for their adherents to enter the mysteries as well. From an economic perspective, the literal unknowability of the mysteries is what makes them infinitely valuable. But the modern era changed the way people interacted with their religious rites and scriptures. Pre-modern people had been told that the truth lay in the scripture, and until then the scripture was only found in the temple. The advent of the printing press and translation of the bible took the scripture out of the church and into the hands and homes of the people. Suddenly the church elders were not the sole keepers of the mystery knowledge, and people began to build their own paths. Today there are over 30,000 separate denominations of Christianity and the most popular churches in the US are just called "churches". It's safe to say that democracy and liberal education have severely diluted the social capital of organized religion in the western world. But anyone familiar with this country's history of Conspiracy FACTS is well aware that the eroding of religious institutions did not ever really leave a sociological power vacuum. Our communities are not defined along the same lines they once were, but they still reside within the same hierarchical power structures; and our leaders still control the symbols of the mysteries. Once again, as in times of old, the elders themselves are also a mystery. Today our leaders live in the shadow of a far off hilltop, and the common people have never seen their secret scripture. Just as our forefathers cowered under the primordial power of life and death, we are painfully aware of what the levers of power are, although we may never see who pulls them. Education and the democratization of political and economic opportunity - once the forces that disrupted oppressive power structures - have now become the means by which we are oppressed. Money, status, and legal protection have effectively replaced food, shelter, and clothing as our most basic needs. These tokens of sustenance are then meted out in a strategically unequal manner such that opportunity itself becomes the goal for the majority of the population. The old adedge "the only sure things in life are death and taxes" is a testament to the fact that the levers of social power are literally as ubiquitous to us as our own life and death. Thereby the people's entire worldview and their very sense of self do not extend beyond the realms controlled by our new world elders. Few are chosen for admission to the mysteries of capitalism, so in order to keep the rest of us rapt they send disciples who acknowledge the mysteries even if only to beg us not to talk about them. This is why every red blooded, freedom loving patriot MUST believe in ghosts. Because they have sanctioned UFO talk we must now refuse it. If they refuse to talk about ghosts we must demand it!!! If there is any true power to be had in this world it is self determination. Believing in ghosts is a declaration of your own independence!!! Given that our modes of interaction with the scriptures have transformed yet again, just during our lifetimes, we might expect the ways the mysteries present themselves to us in the 21st century to be novel as well. Rush Limbaugh's immortal soul now resides among the stars of the night sky. Although, it's still entirely likely that an apparition of Rush could appear before us here on Earth. If the elders of our culture were to appropriate Rush Limbaugh's visage as a symbol of the great mystery, what form would they choose? Certainly not terrestrial radio. Listeners who tuned in to Rush's daily radio show on Thursday heard a touching obituary and selected inspirational clips from the late host. BUT for listeners of the Rush Limbaugh Podcast, the host still lives on. The Thursday podcast episode was, much like the Weds. and Tues. episodes, a raucous lambasting of California "Governor" Gavin Newsom. It's a truly eerie listen. But there are plenty of possible explanations: Maybe he always pre-recorded and queued the podcasts a few days in advance. Maybe iHeart made a robot AI with his voice. Or maybe it's something else... It could be the actual ghost of Rush still trashing democrat governors from beyond the grave. Or perhaps a radio host only truly dies in the terrestrial plane -- but their RSS feeds are immortal. HAVE A GREAT SNOW DAY EVERYBODY!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #2!!
WHATS UP SPECIAL ED?!?! We love re-reading old DYM Off-Season posts in our free time. We might be one of our top 5 favorite authors. One of our all-time favs is the one from June 2018. That was the week Trump pressured the NFL to make a rule banning players from kneeling during the national anthem, which is exactly what DYM's fake Trump had done just 3 weeks prior. This was just the first in an increasingly disturbing series of events that seemed to have been toungue-in-cheekedly predicated in the previous month's DYM. If only we had known then that the Trumps would go on to ruin all three of our most treasured past-times: NFL football, Star Wars and election-time conspiracy theories. Who knows? Maybe we would have done things differently. But the REALLY ominous shit that fucked our heads up for real back in 2018, was that we had a rough draft going for the June '18 DYMOS that was prefaced with fake Trump inviting Justify (the horse) to the White House to celebrate his Triple Crown (at the time, most championship teams were rejecting the offer). We were on vacation in the Adirondacks at the time, so we weren't planning to publish until at least a few days later. That left the door open for these time-criminals like "Sheriff" David Clarke to steal our fucking joke before we even wrote it. And it just so happened that later that night the wife and ourselves got a tarot card reading that was spooky at the time, and has become more and more prescient over the last year-and-a-half. Needless to say that week was an eye-opener for us; our perspective on a lot of things changed forever that week. And we haven't gone on a vacation since. Sooth-saying is, itself, one of the many things we used to joke about before it actually became a part of our newly dystopian reality. Long-time readers know that as much as we love making fun of the news and pretending to write mock epic poetry, we really hang our hats on our (fake) powers of PROGNOSTICATION: WhosHotStradamus is one of the True OG DYM characters - going all the way back to the message board lost tapes era - and we recently introduced you all to WhosHotStradamus's new kayfabe animus, Miss Cleo. Perhaps subconsciously, the Miss Cleo character is an acknowledgement, and reminder to ourselves, that the majority of our most accurate predictions do not inform any actionable advice. We've come to realize that we're NOT really the Nostradamus of Special Ed, but more-so the Cassandra of the Group Text: Cursed to utter accurate and calamitous prophecies that none are wont to believe. We only bring this all up because it was really striking to read the first paragraph of that June '18 post which says "This is the absolute weirdest time to be alive. The news is getting more and more surreal every day." And, well, here we are. Going forward, we're gonna refrain from earnest social commentary as much as possible lest we invoke another Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. We do have a lot of notes on the buddy comedy about these two Greek gods who get incarnated on earth, and their quest for a warm buttery waffle which eventually leads them to the Capitol on January 6, 2021. Not that our mythopoaeia posts are any safer from Zule's minions, but at least they're a lot more fun to write. DYM OFF-SEASON NEWS UPDATE!! Our top story of the day was passed along on the group text by none other than the Commish Emeritus. We promptly Cassandra'd the fuck out of it: It looks like our monkey paw is still in effect, cause we recorded all four late-night talk shows on Monday and Seth Meyers WAS in fact the only one to mention the Belichick story; although he missed the VERY VERY obvious joke that the comedy gods had teed up for him. That fucking guy never fails to disappoint. The Seth Meyers show has always leaned toward a dry dead-pan humor which has become very awkward now that there's no audible laughter after any of the jokes. Even if the jokes are funny it sounds like a comedian DYING on stage. It's soooo weird. They gotta bring in a laugh-track or something. It's not dishonest if you're not trying to fool anybody, and everybody knows theres no audience, why do this to yourself? Anyways, what he surely meant to have said was something more like this: You're welcome, Seth. Fallon had Bill Burr on (which was hilarious) and they're both actual Pats fans, so he's not touching it, and Colbert and Kimmel had much more heartfelt takes on the real news things from last week. They were fine, but we're pretty saturated with News Takes right now. After a truly apocalyptic event like this, we get our most fire intellectual takes from the "think pieces" in Slate and The Atlantic and 'em. This morning we came across two such articles that were both extremely in our wheelhouse - talking about low-and-outside-fastballs to the Yoenis Cespedes that is our imagination. The first, from Vanity Fair, details the wide swath of unflattering rumors about Melania Trump that have all been sourced from this one "friend" of hers. Apparently, the problem for Melly Mel is, this person is literally her only "friend." We think this is a problem that a lot people can relate to right now - Certainly anybody that decided to just hang out with just one friend during COVID, then made that friend resent you by waxing them in the fantasy football league that they used to be the Commissioner of. Lord knows we been there. Last but not least, to bring it all full-circle, we've got a piece from The Atlantic that's really our shit, and we WISH we could say we thought of it first cause - damn. This is some real grad-school-sociology-type writing, and we are HERE FOR IT!! Check this out: The fashionability of raw pelts originally derived from an ancient belief that the wearer might inherit some of the traits of the animal—an instinct that has persisted from the Stone Age to modern Fifth Avenue. Goddamn. We might be in love!! We wish we could take that sentence home and live with it forever. Kiss it and tell it we love it before work every morning. "In anthropology, this is known as the fetish, and fetish is also the root word for fashion,” Barnard said. It’s significant, then, that one of the most prominent symbols adopted by the far right is the Gadsden flag—the Revolutionary-era banner emblazoned with a hissing rattlesnake and the words don’t tread on me—which was nearly ubiquitous on Wednesday. “Again, the use of animal imagery to suggest anti-government values and beliefs,” Barnard said. Perhaps Angeli and Mostofsky were attempting to cut the same figure: virile, in touch with their manhood, everything that those debilitated liberals are not. The so-called real America, finally taking back its supposed authority. So good. Man. We have no more comment, these quotes are PERFECT!! The far right has a long history of adopting Nordic imagery, taken as many of its members are with the fiction of a marauding all-white ethnostate terrorizing Europe. “It conveys white-nationalist sentiments of the ‘proper’ origins of white people,” says Katalin Medvedev, a fashion scholar at the University of Georgia. “Their perceived entitlement, and false claims to the ownership and leadership of the U.S. nation.” (It should also be noted that this reactionary fantasy is entirely ahistorical. Vikings were a multicultural people, and they never wore those famous spiked helmets. In fact, a modern Germanic pagan group, the Troth, published a statement condemning those like the QAnon Shaman for sparking violence.) The world is a beautiful place, you guys. HAVE A GREAT OFF-SEASON EVERYBODY!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #1 - 2020 SEASON RECAP!
What’s up Special Ed?!?!?! 2020 is fuckin' OVER!!!!! Now we love New Years, but we’re not gonna be all “Bye Felicia” on the year 2020 just yet. We’re old enough to remember how everybody thought 2016 was the worst year ever cause Prince and Carrie Fisher and Gene Wilder died. Then 2017 was ostensibly much “worse”, and 2018 was “worse” still. Let's say we’re cautiously optimistic, at best, vis a vis New Years 2021. As it turns out, with all the talk about what a CRAZY football season this was, the Fantasy Playoffs could have gone off without a hitch!!! We were outright shocked that the “Commish” would play games with our prize money. No disrespect to the Other Commishes but this was definitely an “Other League” kinda move. Never thought we’d see these types of high-grade shenanigans here in The Great Special Ed League. smgdh The Commish’s professionalism has been above reproach for the past decade. It’s one thing we always cite when we say “Special Ed Is The Best Fantasy League In The World”. So, it was wild to see our favorite Commish abdicate all his official responsibilities during Super Bowl Week, but we’re not going to deride him one iota here on this blog. No one saw it coming, but this sort of thing is really quite natural - in fact, it is the exact premise of Cum Jesus: A timeless parable about the imperfections that are necessary to the human condition. People say they want a peaceful life, they say they avoid stress, but human beings are simply not built for peace. There’s a certain amount of peacefulness that becomes psychologically unacceptable to the human mind. Call it a self destructive tendency or maybe it’s just boredom, but one way or another chaos always reigns in the world of man. As we wrote last off-season: “So even though things seem perfect, some people just won’t accept it.” - even if we could have a True Utopia, mortal men will always destroy it if given the chance. 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨SPOILER ALERT🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 In fact, we probably just figured out the surprise twist ending for Chapter 16 of The Greatest Story Not Yet Told. There could be like a wise old King who befriends Cum Jesus early on and helps him through a bunch of the trials. By Chapter 15, The King is respected by all his people, and is CJ’s most trusted confidant. He has sworn to rule his kingdom as CJ would, and to spread His Good News. But then, just when CJ’s eternal kingdom of peace is nearly at hand, The King smashes his crown and renounces CJ’s teachings. The people love the King, so they begin to turn their backs on CJ once again and, for just a moment, all seems lost. ....... Anyways. Much more to come on that this summer, STAY TUNED!!!!! For now, we’ve got one last piece of official Special Ed business for 2020: ✨🔮MISS CLEO’S 2020 SPECIAL ED SEASON RECAP!!!!!!!!!!🔮✨ Enjoy!!! HAVE A GREAT OFFSEASON EVERYBODY!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2020 WEEK 16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Merry X-MAS Special Ed!!!!!!!!!! LETS GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! The SESB hype feels pretty subdued this year, which is a shame for PHP. They came a long way this season; It could be the greatest Cinderella Story this league's ever seen!!!! LETS GET IT GOIN!!!!!! WE WANNA SEE ALL THE NAMES CHENGED TO "LETS GO PHP" THIS WEEK!!! or better yet maybe use a reference to the Vermont State Motto - "Freedom and Unity" - which which is all the more aprospos now what with the new planetary alignments. Bart's already got the PS5 money banked heading into the SESB. Maybe you guys are kinda hoping he doesn't get the extra cash to spring for the new Madden too - that 11-year-old fantasy brain-trust might be unstoppable next year. Speaking of next year, we hope you guys are ready for a lot more of Miss Cleo. We had too much fun making that video. We even snuggled up with the wife last night and rewatched all the out-take videos where we fucked up the accent even worse, and we just laughed and laughed and laughed. Check it out!! It's great holiday family fun!!!!! FOOD BEEF V: CHINESE FOOD THE X-MAS CHINESE FOOD SUPERBOWL SMORGASBORD!!!!! THE X-MAS CHINESE FOOD SUPERBOWL SMORGASBORD was a true family affair here at the DYM Home Office, as for the first time ever we invited the Official Parents of DYM, Jill & Dave to sit in as guest judges. Their sage input was invaluable in such an expansive competition, as they are both unparralleled connoisseurs of the local Chinese food scene. REGULAR SEASON CHINESE FOOD RANKINGS: 1 - *Sunny Kitchen - 8.75 2 - *China Chalet - 8.33 3 - *Madison Wok - 8.33 4 - *Bean Curd Restaurant - 8.3 For the Chinese Food Super Bowl Competition we ordered 4 items from each of our 4 finalists: Hot & Sour Soup Dumplings Vegetable Lo Mein Chicken Wings (or ribs w/ a 1 point deduction) None of us had never been to Sunny Kitchen before we embarked on the Food Beef V Chinese Food Tour (It's on Ridgedale Ave; 1 mile north of rt. 10), and they still don't deliver. So, as the longest underdog in the competition, we slated them with the unenviable task of being the Tour's first stop. After 8 long weeks of venturing for Chinese Food, Sunny Kitchen finished the regular season as the #1 seed. It was an incredible accomplishment. Our Official Dad stated the nature of the disadvantage that comes with going first in this sort of competition quite well tonight: "We're like gymnastics judges, the first one sets the standard then they go up or down from there. If you give the first one a 7 then maybe nobody gets a 10 but it's all relative so it's fair." He really liked that analogy so tonight whoever went first every round got a 7 from Dad. That created some statistical anomalies that made the final scores a lot closer than we would have expected but, like the man said, it was fair. FINAL SCORES: SOUP: Chalet - 7.5 Bean Curd - 8.8 Mad Wok - 6.8 Sunny - 9.2 DUMPLINGS: Chalet - 8.3 Bean Curd - 6.0 Mad Wok - 6.7 Sunny - 6.6 NOODLES: Chalet - 6.0 Bean Curd - 7.8 Mad Wok - 8.4 Sunny - 7.4 WINGS: Chalet - 6.1 (no wings) Bean Curd - 6.3 (no wings) Mad Wok - 7.2 Sunny - 7.8 TOTAL SCORES: CHINA CHALET: 27.9 BEAN CURD HOUSE: 28.9 MADISON WOK: 29.1 SUNNY KITCHEN: 31 CONGRATULATIONS SUNNY KITCHEN - THE FOOD BEEF V CHAMPION!!!!! AMERICAS GAMES OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!! THE 3RD PLACE CHAMPIONSHIP!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs. PAULS AWESOME TEAM We had a good feeling where both Semi-Finals matchups were headed after the Saturday games, but they both ended up unexpectedly close on Sunday Night. PAT has been among the league's top scoring teams for the past few years, but they have a bad habit of letting their roster stagnate late in the season. PHP pulled a lot of the wrong strings in week 15 - like Hines over Gordon, or Cousins over Any Other QB - but PAT just didn't have the juice. A lot of people mighta thought PAT was cruising after PHP left a 20 Melvin Gordon on the bench Saturday afternoon. But Aaron Rodgers came through later that night and quietly put up his 2nd worst game of the season, setting the tone for the rest of the squad to follow on Sunday. Rodgers is a reigning DYM Award Winner, and the lone veteran leader in the PAT locker room. Rodgers is about 10 years older than any other player on PAT, and it's clear those kids really look up to him. The Rippers should've been toast after DYM got 80 points from three guys on Saturday. But their early game Sunday players were absolute BEASTS!!! 373 and 2 TDs for Watson, and a combined 450 and 3 TDs from DJ, Ridley, and D-Mont. They were only down by 30 at 4:30pm Sunday with Chubb, Butker, and Rams D left to go. Seemed to us like Rams D shoulda got all 30 themselves against the Jets, so we went out sledding with the boy. When we checked the score around dinner time we were pumped to see we still had most of that 30 pt lead, but we knew we had no choice but to go to bed early and NOT WATCH Chubb vs the Giants. Sorry, Rippers, you're the only team we wanted to see win SESB X (besides ourselves, of course). We would start you a gofundme or something, but you know we only have like 5 or 6 readers this time of year. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!!!!!!! AMERICAS GAMES OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!! THE CONSTELLATION TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!! ZOMBIE PATERNOS vs. PICKLE RICKS!! Dougy Tacos and Randall Cummingham are sad sack losers who lack the self respect to compete for a 7th place Championship. They both stubbornly refused to set a proper lineup and allowed the league's two lowest scoring teams to advance to the Constellation Championship Game. Since the season's wrapping up this week we took a quick look at the Yahoo! Record Book this morning. Pickle Ricks was the Fantasy God's Favorite Team just 13 months ago, but they've seen a tumultuous fall from grace since then. They were not only the lowest scoring team in the league this year but also had one of the All-Time bad games back in week 7 against The Rippers. Not sure how this slipped under our radar, to be honest. They only scored 49 points - 22 of those were from the Kicker and D/ST. The whole offense was healthy and active (including Pat Mahomes and DK Metcalf) and they totaled 27 points. Good lord that's astoundingly ugly. We kinda feel partially responsible, though, and we're not proud of this. Pickle Ricks took a VERY unfair trade from us back in week 3. We wanted to send him an RB in exchange for Stefon Diggs. To get the ball rolling we gave him the option of David Johnson or Darrell Henderson. Maybe neither of them would have helped much in the long run, they've both scored 119 fantasy points this year, and Diggs is at 235. But at least DJ would have got them over 50 back in week 7. That 49-point stinker drags PR's season scoring average down a good four points, so they might not be as bad as they seem on paper. They've scored over 120 five times and still have Pat Mahomes on the squad, so we think they get it done here. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A MERRY X-MAS EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!