WHATS UP SPECIAL ED?!?! We love re-reading old DYM Off-Season posts in our free time. We might be one of our top 5 favorite authors. One of our all-time favs is the one from June 2018. That was the week Trump pressured the NFL to make a rule banning players from kneeling during the national anthem, which is exactly what DYM's fake Trump had done just 3 weeks prior. This was just the first in an increasingly disturbing series of events that seemed to have been toungue-in-cheekedly predicated in the previous month's DYM. If only we had known then that the Trumps would go on to ruin all three of our most treasured past-times: NFL football, Star Wars and election-time conspiracy theories. Who knows? Maybe we would have done things differently. But the REALLY ominous shit that fucked our heads up for real back in 2018, was that we had a rough draft going for the June '18 DYMOS that was prefaced with fake Trump inviting Justify (the horse) to the White House to celebrate his Triple Crown (at the time, most championship teams were rejecting the offer). We were on vacation in the Adirondacks at the time, so we weren't planning to publish until at least a few days later. That left the door open for these time-criminals like "Sheriff" David Clarke to steal our fucking joke before we even wrote it. And it just so happened that later that night the wife and ourselves got a tarot card reading that was spooky at the time, and has become more and more prescient over the last year-and-a-half. Needless to say that week was an eye-opener for us; our perspective on a lot of things changed forever that week. And we haven't gone on a vacation since. Sooth-saying is, itself, one of the many things we used to joke about before it actually became a part of our newly dystopian reality. Long-time readers know that as much as we love making fun of the news and pretending to write mock epic poetry, we really hang our hats on our (fake) powers of PROGNOSTICATION: WhosHotStradamus is one of the True OG DYM characters - going all the way back to the message board lost tapes era - and we recently introduced you all to WhosHotStradamus's new kayfabe animus, Miss Cleo. Perhaps subconsciously, the Miss Cleo character is an acknowledgement, and reminder to ourselves, that the majority of our most accurate predictions do not inform any actionable advice. We've come to realize that we're NOT really the Nostradamus of Special Ed, but more-so the Cassandra of the Group Text: Cursed to utter accurate and calamitous prophecies that none are wont to believe. We only bring this all up because it was really striking to read the first paragraph of that June '18 post which says "This is the absolute weirdest time to be alive. The news is getting more and more surreal every day." And, well, here we are. Going forward, we're gonna refrain from earnest social commentary as much as possible lest we invoke another Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. We do have a lot of notes on the buddy comedy about these two Greek gods who get incarnated on earth, and their quest for a warm buttery waffle which eventually leads them to the Capitol on January 6, 2021. Not that our mythopoaeia posts are any safer from Zule's minions, but at least they're a lot more fun to write. DYM OFF-SEASON NEWS UPDATE!! Our top story of the day was passed along on the group text by none other than the Commish Emeritus. We promptly Cassandra'd the fuck out of it: It looks like our monkey paw is still in effect, cause we recorded all four late-night talk shows on Monday and Seth Meyers WAS in fact the only one to mention the Belichick story; although he missed the VERY VERY obvious joke that the comedy gods had teed up for him. That fucking guy never fails to disappoint. The Seth Meyers show has always leaned toward a dry dead-pan humor which has become very awkward now that there's no audible laughter after any of the jokes. Even if the jokes are funny it sounds like a comedian DYING on stage. It's soooo weird. They gotta bring in a laugh-track or something. It's not dishonest if you're not trying to fool anybody, and everybody knows theres no audience, why do this to yourself? Anyways, what he surely meant to have said was something more like this: You're welcome, Seth. Fallon had Bill Burr on (which was hilarious) and they're both actual Pats fans, so he's not touching it, and Colbert and Kimmel had much more heartfelt takes on the real news things from last week. They were fine, but we're pretty saturated with News Takes right now. After a truly apocalyptic event like this, we get our most fire intellectual takes from the "think pieces" in Slate and The Atlantic and 'em. This morning we came across two such articles that were both extremely in our wheelhouse - talking about low-and-outside-fastballs to the Yoenis Cespedes that is our imagination. The first, from Vanity Fair, details the wide swath of unflattering rumors about Melania Trump that have all been sourced from this one "friend" of hers. Apparently, the problem for Melly Mel is, this person is literally her only "friend." We think this is a problem that a lot people can relate to right now - Certainly anybody that decided to just hang out with just one friend during COVID, then made that friend resent you by waxing them in the fantasy football league that they used to be the Commissioner of. Lord knows we been there. Last but not least, to bring it all full-circle, we've got a piece from The Atlantic that's really our shit, and we WISH we could say we thought of it first cause - damn. This is some real grad-school-sociology-type writing, and we are HERE FOR IT!! Check this out: The fashionability of raw pelts originally derived from an ancient belief that the wearer might inherit some of the traits of the animal—an instinct that has persisted from the Stone Age to modern Fifth Avenue. Goddamn. We might be in love!! We wish we could take that sentence home and live with it forever. Kiss it and tell it we love it before work every morning. "In anthropology, this is known as the fetish, and fetish is also the root word for fashion,” Barnard said. It’s significant, then, that one of the most prominent symbols adopted by the far right is the Gadsden flag—the Revolutionary-era banner emblazoned with a hissing rattlesnake and the words don’t tread on me—which was nearly ubiquitous on Wednesday. “Again, the use of animal imagery to suggest anti-government values and beliefs,” Barnard said. Perhaps Angeli and Mostofsky were attempting to cut the same figure: virile, in touch with their manhood, everything that those debilitated liberals are not. The so-called real America, finally taking back its supposed authority. So good. Man. We have no more comment, these quotes are PERFECT!! The far right has a long history of adopting Nordic imagery, taken as many of its members are with the fiction of a marauding all-white ethnostate terrorizing Europe. “It conveys white-nationalist sentiments of the ‘proper’ origins of white people,” says Katalin Medvedev, a fashion scholar at the University of Georgia. “Their perceived entitlement, and false claims to the ownership and leadership of the U.S. nation.” (It should also be noted that this reactionary fantasy is entirely ahistorical. Vikings were a multicultural people, and they never wore those famous spiked helmets. In fact, a modern Germanic pagan group, the Troth, published a statement condemning those like the QAnon Shaman for sparking violence.) The world is a beautiful place, you guys. HAVE A GREAT OFF-SEASON EVERYBODY!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #1 - 2020 SEASON RECAP!
What’s up Special Ed?!?!?! 2020 is fuckin' OVER!!!!! Now we love New Years, but we’re not gonna be all “Bye Felicia” on the year 2020 just yet. We’re old enough to remember how everybody thought 2016 was the worst year ever cause Prince and Carrie Fisher and Gene Wilder died. Then 2017 was ostensibly much “worse”, and 2018 was “worse” still. Let's say we’re cautiously optimistic, at best, vis a vis New Years 2021. As it turns out, with all the talk about what a CRAZY football season this was, the Fantasy Playoffs could have gone off without a hitch!!! We were outright shocked that the “Commish” would play games with our prize money. No disrespect to the Other Commishes but this was definitely an “Other League” kinda move. Never thought we’d see these types of high-grade shenanigans here in The Great Special Ed League. smgdh The Commish’s professionalism has been above reproach for the past decade. It’s one thing we always cite when we say “Special Ed Is The Best Fantasy League In The World”. So, it was wild to see our favorite Commish abdicate all his official responsibilities during Super Bowl Week, but we’re not going to deride him one iota here on this blog. No one saw it coming, but this sort of thing is really quite natural - in fact, it is the exact premise of Cum Jesus: A timeless parable about the imperfections that are necessary to the human condition. People say they want a peaceful life, they say they avoid stress, but human beings are simply not built for peace. There’s a certain amount of peacefulness that becomes psychologically unacceptable to the human mind. Call it a self destructive tendency or maybe it’s just boredom, but one way or another chaos always reigns in the world of man. As we wrote last off-season: “So even though things seem perfect, some people just won’t accept it.” - even if we could have a True Utopia, mortal men will always destroy it if given the chance. 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨SPOILER ALERT🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 In fact, we probably just figured out the surprise twist ending for Chapter 16 of The Greatest Story Not Yet Told. There could be like a wise old King who befriends Cum Jesus early on and helps him through a bunch of the trials. By Chapter 15, The King is respected by all his people, and is CJ’s most trusted confidant. He has sworn to rule his kingdom as CJ would, and to spread His Good News. But then, just when CJ’s eternal kingdom of peace is nearly at hand, The King smashes his crown and renounces CJ’s teachings. The people love the King, so they begin to turn their backs on CJ once again and, for just a moment, all seems lost. ....... Anyways. Much more to come on that this summer, STAY TUNED!!!!! For now, we’ve got one last piece of official Special Ed business for 2020: ✨🔮MISS CLEO’S 2020 SPECIAL ED SEASON RECAP!!!!!!!!!!🔮✨ Enjoy!!! HAVE A GREAT OFFSEASON EVERYBODY!
Merry X-MAS Special Ed!!!!!!!!!! LETS GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! The SESB hype feels pretty subdued this year, which is a shame for PHP. They came a long way this season; It could be the greatest Cinderella Story this league's ever seen!!!! LETS GET IT GOIN!!!!!! WE WANNA SEE ALL THE NAMES CHENGED TO "LETS GO PHP" THIS WEEK!!! or better yet maybe use a reference to the Vermont State Motto - "Freedom and Unity" - which which is all the more aprospos now what with the new planetary alignments. Bart's already got the PS5 money banked heading into the SESB. Maybe you guys are kinda hoping he doesn't get the extra cash to spring for the new Madden too - that 11-year-old fantasy brain-trust might be unstoppable next year. Speaking of next year, we hope you guys are ready for a lot more of Miss Cleo. We had too much fun making that video. We even snuggled up with the wife last night and rewatched all the out-take videos where we fucked up the accent even worse, and we just laughed and laughed and laughed. Check it out!! It's great holiday family fun!!!!! FOOD BEEF V: CHINESE FOOD THE X-MAS CHINESE FOOD SUPERBOWL SMORGASBORD!!!!! THE X-MAS CHINESE FOOD SUPERBOWL SMORGASBORD was a true family affair here at the DYM Home Office, as for the first time ever we invited the Official Parents of DYM, Jill & Dave to sit in as guest judges. Their sage input was invaluable in such an expansive competition, as they are both unparralleled connoisseurs of the local Chinese food scene. REGULAR SEASON CHINESE FOOD RANKINGS: 1 - *Sunny Kitchen - 8.75 2 - *China Chalet - 8.33 3 - *Madison Wok - 8.33 4 - *Bean Curd Restaurant - 8.3 For the Chinese Food Super Bowl Competition we ordered 4 items from each of our 4 finalists: Hot & Sour Soup Dumplings Vegetable Lo Mein Chicken Wings (or ribs w/ a 1 point deduction) None of us had never been to Sunny Kitchen before we embarked on the Food Beef V Chinese Food Tour (It's on Ridgedale Ave; 1 mile north of rt. 10), and they still don't deliver. So, as the longest underdog in the competition, we slated them with the unenviable task of being the Tour's first stop. After 8 long weeks of venturing for Chinese Food, Sunny Kitchen finished the regular season as the #1 seed. It was an incredible accomplishment. Our Official Dad stated the nature of the disadvantage that comes with going first in this sort of competition quite well tonight: "We're like gymnastics judges, the first one sets the standard then they go up or down from there. If you give the first one a 7 then maybe nobody gets a 10 but it's all relative so it's fair." He really liked that analogy so tonight whoever went first every round got a 7 from Dad. That created some statistical anomalies that made the final scores a lot closer than we would have expected but, like the man said, it was fair. FINAL SCORES: SOUP: Chalet - 7.5 Bean Curd - 8.8 Mad Wok - 6.8 Sunny - 9.2 DUMPLINGS: Chalet - 8.3 Bean Curd - 6.0 Mad Wok - 6.7 Sunny - 6.6 NOODLES: Chalet - 6.0 Bean Curd - 7.8 Mad Wok - 8.4 Sunny - 7.4 WINGS: Chalet - 6.1 (no wings) Bean Curd - 6.3 (no wings) Mad Wok - 7.2 Sunny - 7.8 TOTAL SCORES: CHINA CHALET: 27.9 BEAN CURD HOUSE: 28.9 MADISON WOK: 29.1 SUNNY KITCHEN: 31 CONGRATULATIONS SUNNY KITCHEN - THE FOOD BEEF V CHAMPION!!!!! AMERICAS GAMES OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!! THE 3RD PLACE CHAMPIONSHIP!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs. PAULS AWESOME TEAM We had a good feeling where both Semi-Finals matchups were headed after the Saturday games, but they both ended up unexpectedly close on Sunday Night. PAT has been among the league's top scoring teams for the past few years, but they have a bad habit of letting their roster stagnate late in the season. PHP pulled a lot of the wrong strings in week 15 - like Hines over Gordon, or Cousins over Any Other QB - but PAT just didn't have the juice. A lot of people mighta thought PAT was cruising after PHP left a 20 Melvin Gordon on the bench Saturday afternoon. But Aaron Rodgers came through later that night and quietly put up his 2nd worst game of the season, setting the tone for the rest of the squad to follow on Sunday. Rodgers is a reigning DYM Award Winner, and the lone veteran leader in the PAT locker room. Rodgers is about 10 years older than any other player on PAT, and it's clear those kids really look up to him. The Rippers should've been toast after DYM got 80 points from three guys on Saturday. But their early game Sunday players were absolute BEASTS!!! 373 and 2 TDs for Watson, and a combined 450 and 3 TDs from DJ, Ridley, and D-Mont. They were only down by 30 at 4:30pm Sunday with Chubb, Butker, and Rams D left to go. Seemed to us like Rams D shoulda got all 30 themselves against the Jets, so we went out sledding with the boy. When we checked the score around dinner time we were pumped to see we still had most of that 30 pt lead, but we knew we had no choice but to go to bed early and NOT WATCH Chubb vs the Giants. Sorry, Rippers, you're the only team we wanted to see win SESB X (besides ourselves, of course). We would start you a gofundme or something, but you know we only have like 5 or 6 readers this time of year. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!!!!!!! AMERICAS GAMES OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!! THE CONSTELLATION TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!!!!!!! ZOMBIE PATERNOS vs. PICKLE RICKS!! Dougy Tacos and Randall Cummingham are sad sack losers who lack the self respect to compete for a 7th place Championship. They both stubbornly refused to set a proper lineup and allowed the league's two lowest scoring teams to advance to the Constellation Championship Game. Since the season's wrapping up this week we took a quick look at the Yahoo! Record Book this morning. Pickle Ricks was the Fantasy God's Favorite Team just 13 months ago, but they've seen a tumultuous fall from grace since then. They were not only the lowest scoring team in the league this year but also had one of the All-Time bad games back in week 7 against The Rippers. Not sure how this slipped under our radar, to be honest. They only scored 49 points - 22 of those were from the Kicker and D/ST. The whole offense was healthy and active (including Pat Mahomes and DK Metcalf) and they totaled 27 points. Good lord that's astoundingly ugly. We kinda feel partially responsible, though, and we're not proud of this. Pickle Ricks took a VERY unfair trade from us back in week 3. We wanted to send him an RB in exchange for Stefon Diggs. To get the ball rolling we gave him the option of David Johnson or Darrell Henderson. Maybe neither of them would have helped much in the long run, they've both scored 119 fantasy points this year, and Diggs is at 235. But at least DJ would have got them over 50 back in week 7. That 49-point stinker drags PR's season scoring average down a good four points, so they might not be as bad as they seem on paper. They've scored over 120 five times and still have Pat Mahomes on the squad, so we think they get it done here. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A MERRY X-MAS EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
LETS GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! WHATS UP SPECIAL ED?!?!?!?!?! They said it couldn't be done! We have finally reached the finish line of this miserable fantasy marathon. There were times this year when we really didn't feel like being bothered with fantasy football, but in retrospect we can't imagine what these past few months would've been like without it. Back in the fall, after the first COVID wave, there seemed to be some cogent arguments for the NFL to not have gone through with this season. Most people agreed, and still do, that the safest way to have any professional sports season is in an isolated environment - The NBA Bubble being the gold standard. The NFL eschewed most recommended precautions to start the season, and had several players testing positive every week. As the season wore on, the league increased their safety regulations, but found difficulty enforcing them outside the team facilities, and are still facing team-wide outbreaks. What we've come to realize in the last few weeks is that as unsafe as it may seem to play football amid the airborne viral pandemic, everyday life is not much safer. If there weren't football would all these players just be staying home? Not hugging their parents? Not opening restaurants? Of course they wouldn't!!! Sure lots of NFL players got the cooties this season, but fuckin' everybody's got it now so why the fuck not play football! Viva la Distraction!!! So, now that the asterisk has been removed from our fare season, we can move on with a clear conscious to - SPECIAL ED SUPER BOWL X!!!!!!!!!! THE GREAT CONJUNCTION In Roman mythology, Jupiter is the king of the sky - the God of Gods. He rules the heavenly order, and is the father of all the lesser Gods who, in turn, created and ruled over the lives of men on Earth. Saturn, the God of time, is Jupiter's father and long ago Jupiter once yearned to be free of his father's strictures and commandments just as all young men do today. There was a prophecy that Saturn's child would one day overthrow him, so he tried to destroy all of his children in their infancy, and only Jupiter escaped. But Jupiter was not able to realize his destiny alone. First he would have to free his siblings, Neptune, Pluto, Ceres, Juno, and Vesta - and join forces with them to take control of the heavenly realm. And so it would be for many years in the first age of Jupiter - it was the age of the sky, the age of air - a time when all the powers of the Gods were bound together and strove for a common good. Together they would create the world of man as we have come to know it, but the passage of time would continue on forever after the death of Saturn. The passage of time is also the force of change in our world, so the glorious age of Jupiter could not last forever. Most of the Gods took new homes among the stars and now they simply watch over us as their power shines down from the sky for a 12th part of every year. Even Saturn gets to have his day. "The Great Conjunction" - when Jupiter and Saturn meet every twenty years or so - is aways a harbinger of change. The combined powers of the God of time and the God of heaven brings mysterious and irresistibly disruptive forces into the human realm. But this year's conjunction is especially powerful because it is the most complete conjunction in the last 800 years. Also because it ushers in a new astronomical age - For the past two hundred years The Great Conjunction had been occurring within the Earth sign constellations - Capricorn, Taurus, and Virgo, this will be the first of ten Great Conjunctions that will occur within the Air sign constellations - Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius. When the Great Conjunction occurs in air signs it increases Jupiter's influence, and individuals born under the Air signs - like Polk High Panthers - will feel the most turbulent changes in their lives. “This is not a new start that you're going to get done in a month, this is going to unravel over years, so whatever direction you are moving toward in 2021 will continue over your life for the next two decades.” What better time than this for Polk High Panthers' to reach their FIRST Special Ed Super Bowl!!!!!!!!!! PHP has finished as high as 3rd twice (2012 and 2015) and they've made the playoffs 4 times in 9 years, but not since 2015. This may be the season of destiny for the Aquarian Sky God. He nailed the first three picks in the draft with Kamara, Julio, and Kelce. Kamara and Kelce balled out of control all year long and they managed to flip Julio at the exact moment he stopped ballin'. They also have four other mid round draft picks still on the roster, and have managed to start the same defense 14 out of 15 weeks so far this year. Just like Commissioner Goodell, they ignored all criticism and advice from outside sources, and stuck to the exact same plan they've had the past few years. This is the third consecutive year that PHP has drafted a Tight End in the third round or sooner. Despite not making the playoffs and not even winning more than 4 games in 2018 or '19 - AND despite league rules specifically made to further de-value the TE - PHP persisted in 2020. After finally freeing himself from the shackles of the Saturnian Auto-Draft, he dove head long back into the abyss of the TE heavy draft, taking the top 2 TEs completely of his own volition. Kittle only played six games this year, and hit IR after week 8. We fully believe this was a true addition-by-subtraction for PHP as the single-TE roster spared him a great deal of ridicule from his Special Ed League peers and found him favor in the eyes of the Fantasy Gods. But PHP is not the only prophesied king-in-waiting in SESB X. Josh Allen has been a member of the Special Ed Super Bowl Champion team every year of his NFL career but this will be his first Special Ed Super Bowl start. The last two years, Josh has been on the bench of Team DYM - Like the Steve Young of Special Ed, he spent two years waiting in the wings and studying behind one of the true legends of the game. He did appear in week 15 of 2018, when we spent the entire season streaming various rookie QBs. In 2019 he settled in to the back-up role as Lamar put together an all-time great fantasy season. Clearly the early competition was an incredible motivator, and Josh did not put any of his time on the bench to waste, tirelessly studying Lamar's then-superior downfield throwing and also learning from his teammate's mistakes as a runner and a passer. Defend Your Moves are Virgos, an Earth sign. So we've got a chance to maintain some semblance of normalcy through this Conjunction season. Our time to shine was back in August when our ruling planet, Mercury, happened to pass through Virgo on our born day. Mercury was also in Virgo on the actual night of our birth, 8/28/1981, so this past August was a hugely powerful time for us. We were firing on all cylinders by draft time. The Commish was pretty sick of hearing about it but he had to admit our draft plan was extra EXTRA on point this year. Our first three picks - the powerhouse stable of Henry, Taylor, and Carson - are still our top starting RBs. We had to take advantage of the Mercury energy early in the season, so we pulled off our two game-changing trades within the first month. Not many people thought trading Lamar for Josh STRAIGHT UP in week 4 was a good idea, but the comeuppance have now been had, as Josh and Stefon are having the best statistical season of any Buffalo Bills QB/WR duo in franchise history. SPECIAL ED SUPER BOWL X PREDICTION: DEFEND YOUR MOVES - 154.32 POLK HIGH PANTHERS - 123.45 Now more than ever, Special Ed League is the only league that matters, but The Great Conjunction could also be great news for Special Ed The Team. In the other league SETT has been harangued endlessly for employing two team managers. This new astronomical age will favor air sign energies, and as such it will empower the spirit of communal cooperation, allowing co-managed fantasy teams to realize the strengths of both managers to their fullest: This conjunction ushers in a new societal ethos, slowly moves away from materialism and toward universalism and new ideologies. “Aquarius is the sign of teamwork, it’s the sign of society, it’s very progressive and it’s very humanitarian,” HAVE A GREAT SUPER BOWL EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!! Miss Cleo Outtakes!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO OUR 2020 DYM AWARD WINNERS!!!!!!! This is the first DYM Award for all three of this year's recipients. FOOD BEEF HOLIDAY SPECIAL!!!!! Some of the key Food Beef judges have declared themselves "tired of Chinese food" this week, so we're pushing the Playoff Smorgasbord back a week. Christmas is next Friday, so that'll also allow us to uphold the ancient Jewish tradition of Christmas Day Chinese Food. The Bills are playing today so of course we've got wings on the Home Office menu, but since we're also getting into the dog-days of the Holiday Season, we busted out an old family favorite - THE TRIPLE POPCORN BUCKET This year's bucket features white cheddar, which was a pleasant surprise and huge improvement over the usual orange cheese style. The orange cheese popcorn is always is our least favorite, but white cheddar is really not bad. Food Beef's official Holiday Popcorn Ranking for 2020: 1 - REGULAR BUTTER POPCORN 2 - WHITE CHEDDAR POPCORN 3 - CARAMEL POPCORN HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What's up Special Ed?!?!?!? We went on twitter today and saw "The Rise of Skywalker" trending. We clicked on it to find out why and all the top posts are like "Why tf is TROS trending? Now I need therapy again." or "TROS is trending rn because 2020". Fuckin hate that shit. Twitter's been doing a better job lately of curating their "Trending Moments", but that "Whats Happening" pane is still full of fuckin landmines. So we had to scroll through that palaver for like 5 minutes before we found out that ILM had just released a portfolio of concept art from the film's pre-production. You can check it out here, and we highly recommend it. These images are spellbinding. Pure Star Wars magic. Takes us right back to the old days, back when we thought Star Wars was good. Like, all the way back to spring 2019. The trailers for TROS last year were fucking mind-blowing. They had us geared up for an all-time great Star War, and these pics capture that same sublime potentiality. Goosebumps. We've seen TROS about a dozen times at this point and it didn't ever get better. We're acutely aware of everything that went wrong with this movie; but still, even now, these images are stirring. They're meticulously detailed and intensely evocative of all the symbolism that has come to define Star Wars. It really makes us appreciate what a spectacular failure TROS was. Like, how did they fuck this up? A lot of movies are just bad. Most bad movies are cheap and sloppy and unimaginitive. The Rise of Skywalker was not any of those things. Sure TROS is bad in many ways - the dialogue sucks, the character treatments are unsatisfying, the actors mail it in, even the visual effects production feels rushed. But, at least at first, there was a lot of good shit here, so it's like, it didn't have to be bad, ya know? Fucking Abrams had it right there on a fucking tee and he whiffed. All he had to do was not fuck it up. THE 3rd ANNUAL BYE WEEK DFS SHOWDOWN!!! DYM -168.42 / PAT -140.00 Can you fucking believe this guy started Kirk Cousins? smgdh. We would never. The Showdown is all about pitting the league's best against one another. It's an opportunity to test your mettle against the toughest competition, and see how ready you are for the championship run. As the league's 2nd place finisher, the opportunity to take down the #1 team really fires you up, even in a friendly exhibition match. PAT outscored us by about 15 pts per game this year, so this win was extremely heartening as we prepare for the Special Ed Playoffs. These aren't crazy big scores, but they do portend well for our respective playoff runs.The most important thing for both teams is just staying sharp over the bye week. This was a successful showdown for us both, because we both kept our wits about us and managed not to play any total duds. PAT only chose one player from his Special Ed roster in this contest - Brandon Aiyuk, who came through with 10 catches for an even 100 yds. Conversely, DYM, might be feelin themselves a little too much right now. Rolling out 4 guys from our Special Ed team took a lot of chutzpah, but they all wrecked shop. Let's hope they saved some of those points for this week too. WHOS HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Tobin & The Rippers came through week 14 with a HUGE statement win. They put an incredible 100 point beatdown on The Commish, and officially put the league ON NOTICE. Bring It On Home entered week 14 FLAMING HOT with the 2nd highest per game average. Now with two sub-100 pt games in the last three weeks, they exit the playoffs ICE COLD. The Rippers look like world-beaters right now, but the two bye week teams quietly put up the 2nd and 3rd highest scores of the week without setting their lineups. PAT remains the league's highest scoring team; and DYM is flying up the Heat Index rankings, moving all the way up from from #9 last week to #2 this week. The top two highest scorers from last week are also the two HOTTEST teams in the league. Rippers vs DYM is shaping up to be a heavyweight slobber-knocker. PAT and PHP are both trying to stay warm here in late December, but both have scored over 150 within the last three weeks so they're both still very dangerous. THE CONSTELLATION TOURNAMENT: Where Everybody Is A Star!!!! The Constellation Tournament Championship is the 3rd most prestigious honor in all of Special Ed. America loves second chances, and there's nothing more American than naming the 8th place team "Champion". So, GET FIRED UP, Special Ed!!!! This is your time to shine!!! ZOMBIE PATERNOS vs. SHARON ERTZ These two teams were bitterly snubbed from the running for the top 2 most prestigious Special Ed honors, so they'll both be hungry for the Constellation chip. Early in the season we considered Zombie Paternos among the strongest DYM MVP contenders. We love the new team name, and the homer draft was hilarious. But the real surprise was how they came out like gangbusters on the group text after 9 years of near-total radio silence. At some point we're going to put together an oral history of Cousin Mike's dramatic exit from the original group text, but the new guys'll have to wait til the offseason to hear that story. Sharon Ertz technically finished the regular season with fewer points than The Commish, but we still feel like Sharon was the more worthy Playoff squad. They've got something to prove this post-season, and Lamar is stepping it up just in the knick of time. There were about 40 something points on Sharon's bench last week, so if he can get around to benching Taysom and Antonio, they'll be on their way to REDEMPTION in the Constellation Tournament. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!! PICKLE RICKS!! vs. DOUGY TACOS Just so you guys know, Pickle Ricks finished the regular season in first place in Eugene's New league. They went 10-3 with 136 pts per game, and are the only Special Ed team in The New League Playoffs. Pickle Ricks were running roughshod over that league up until Tony Gibson got hurt. They don't really have shit on the bench, but there's a few choice RBs coming off waivers later tonight. If we were them we'd think about prioritizing Devin Singletary, since they've been getting shit from Zack Moss for the last 9 weeks. But with only 3 other teams out there, it may be better to just let the waivers run - Jeff Wilson, Tony Pollard, and Latavius Murray are there too and all have a chance to be serviceable this week. PICKLE RICKS!! WINS!!!! SPECIAL ED SEMI-FINALS!!!!!!!!!! POLK HIGH PANTHERS vs. PAULS AWESOME TEAM Polk High has some FIRE greenlight matchups - Woods at home vs The Jets, Hines at home vs Houston. The only guy with a bad matchup is Kirk vs Chicago, but it's pretty obvious that Matt's gonna drop Cousins for Carr or Goff (Friday night waiver). There's a chance Brees could play this week but we know Matt's NOT thinking about starting him. We're sure Matt realizes that Drew Brees is the same age as him. Matt's back probably kinda hurts right now and he doesn't really know why. And he knows that Drew Brees has 17 broken ribs. If Brees plays, he won't play well. And he's only getting 25 attempts, tops: They're gonna run the ball a ton trying to slow down KC anyway; and Taysom Hill was already taking 4-5 snaps a game when Brees was "healthy", so 10-12 snaps for Taysom in Brees' first week back is not out of the question. And that's the game script that favors Kamara anyway, so he's not gonna limit his upside by playing the QB and RB from the same team. PAT has the sneaky good matchups. Akers and Cook don't have greenlights on paper, but Dalvin went for 114 yards last time he played Chicago, and you have to like Akers vs The Jets better than Woods. Conner is not looking likely to play, but we assume they were gonna start Dobbins in the total smash spot vs Jacksonville anyway. If they pull the right strings, we could be looking at 300 combined points from these two teams. POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs. DEFEND YOUR MOVES HOW THE FUCK IM GONNA LOSE TO A TEAM WITH 2 (TWO) CHICAGO BEARS??? DAVID MONTGOMERY IS THEIR BEST PLAYER!!!!! David. Montgomery. You guys. Look at this. This guy was clocking a 4.6+ 40, 15 bench reps, and a 13th percentile SPARQ score. And that was before he got groined and concussed this season. Anyway, he's gonna get 150 and 2 TDs and it's bullshit. Fortunately Al Rob is still in a Reverse Revenge situation, and is destined to NOT score a TD this week. The other potential bombers on this squad are Chubb and Ridley, two long-time members of Special Ed The Team. Over in the other league we drafted Chubb as rookie keeper and he was smokin hot fire for us from October 2018 til December 2019. Ridley was a guy we coveted in trades throughout '18 and '19, and drafted this year in the 4th round as our WR1. We've been burned by this kind of prediction before, but we feel like Chubb and Ridley are our guys, and we were always cool with them, so we don't think they'll flex on us. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll be back later in the week for FOOD BEEF PLAYOFFS and THE DYM AWARDS!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2020 WILDCARD PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!
THERE'S STILL TIME TO VOTE FOR THE DYM AWARDS!!! CLICK HERE!!!!!!! WHO'S HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! In an auspicious sign for the playoffs, Week 13 was the highest scoring week in Special Ed since early October. That helped create the unprecedented scenario we have here this week. In the history of WHOS HOT we have never had as many as 7 teams finish the season HOT. Last week 5 of the 6 playoff teams outscored their season average (all but PAT). We could be in for some fireworks this week as the top two teams in the Heat Index both got off to a hot starts and are both projected for 120+ coming into Sunday. Polk High Panthers' 151.71 was the highest score of week 13 but after a paltry 74.88 in week 12, their three game average only came out to 116, leaving them just luke-warm entering the playoffs. The Commish's 115 in week 13 was the second lowest of any playoff team. But it was also that squad's best score since week 7, so technically they end the season on a high note as well. FOOD BEEF V: CHINESE FOOD!!!!! Madison Wok, Madison, NJ Madison Wok came in as a late entry to the Tour. We had Ashia of Parippany slated for this week, but it turns out the Home Office is outside their delivery radius. Madison Wok came through in the clutch for a fine compliment to our Hannukah latkes. The Wok turned out to be not only a serviceable replacement but a surprise top contender. Not too greasy or over seasoned, just the uncomplicated, solid Chinese Food we've been looking for. There's no distinctive flavor like Sunny Kitchen or China Chalet, and we're not sure if there's any particular specialty dish, but everything was pretty good. Chicken Wings - 9 Pork Fried Rice - 8.75 The chicken wing-pork fried rice combo is one of our old favorites. Really takes us back. MW's wings are crispy outside and juicy inside. Four Seasons - 8.5 Another classic dish. Meaty with a subtle hoisin sauce, made just the way we like it. Hot & Sour - 7.5 Soup was OK. Good broth but more sour than hot. Dumplings - 8.25 Egg Rolls - 7.5 MADISON WOK TOTAL SCORE: 8.33 REGULAR SEASON CHINESE FOOD STANDINGS: 1 - *Sunny Kitchen - 8.75 2 - *China Chalet - 8.33 3 - *Madison Wok - 8.33 4 - *Bean Curd Restaurant - 8.3 5 - Cottage 2 - 7.7 6 - Hunan Wok - 7.6 7 - Lin's place - 5 8 - Ming II - (NA) Over the next week we'll sample select dishes from Sunny Kitchen, China Chalet, Madison Wok, and Bean Curd Restaurant. Eat restaurant will submit an order of Dumplings, Wings (or ribs with a 1 pt deduction), Soup, and Fried Rice. Due to our compressed schedule this year, we'll be holding a smorgasbord-style tournament where each dish will be re-adjudicated individually and the restaurant with the highest total playoff score will be named CHINESE FOOD CHAMPION!!!!! AMERICAS GAMES OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs. THE COMMISH The presumptive DYM MVP jumped out to a HUGE lead on Thursday night. The Rams put a whooping on the Patriots that was extremely satisfying to watch. NFC West defenses have amazing playoff schedules cause they all get to playing NFC East, AFC East, and/or the Niners. (SF doesn't play themselves, but they are still available, FYI). The Commish‘s squad has a lot of great matchups but they don’t all feel as good as they look on paper. To get this win they‘ll need Keenan Allen and Justin Jefferson to carry them. Keenan is dependent on a rookie QB and Justin is a rookie so both could flop even against a green light matchup. There's no way The Commish feels good about starting Tannehill in the playoffs, but we have to admit he has been very good against the green lights so far this year. Yesterday the Falcons announced Julio Jones is OUT for week 14. That probably crushed any chance the Commish had for a comeback. Fortunately Gurley is active, otherwise they would have had to hit the dumpster for a last minute starter. The Rippers are also scraping the bottom of the barrel lineup-wise. Myles Gaskins and David Johnson both hit the COVID list this weekend. Fortunately Zeke, who had been limited all week with a calf, will be active. The late scratches could be a blessing in disguise as it'll force Mike Davis into the lineup. The last time we saw Davis he was in an extended slump, but we think he'll be ready for this one. After getting a week off in real life, Mike D is gonna come out fired up for a Fantasy Playoff REVENGE Game against the Commish. The winner will move on to face the Defending Champs in the Semi-Finals. So you guys already know who we're rooting for here. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AMERICAS GAMES OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRING IT ON HOME vs. POLK HIGH PANTHERS You would think the matchup between last week's two highest scorers would be the marquee matchup of the Wildcard Playoffs. But we still can't get excited about either of these teams. Davante Adams is gonna get 150 yds, and Mike Evans will score 3 TDs on 2 catches somehow, and we will take a nap. PHP has another QB who is ostensibly hot right now, and has a great matchup on paper, but we would never feel good about starting in week 14. The fact is Kirk Cousins has over 25 pts in each of the last three games, and Tampa has allowed at least 20 to the last 3 QBs they've faced. But still, Kirk Cousins, man, Kirk fuckin Cousins. BIOH might have the the opposite issue at QB - the guy you really want to start against a sneaky good defense. In the last six weeks the Giants D has forced 8 turnovers and allowed only 7 TDs to quarterbacks; the also have 17 (SEVENTEEN!!!) sacks in that span including 5 on Russell last week. The game to watch in this one is Packers-Lions at 4. Davante and Marvin Jones could see 30 targets combined, if Marv can keep pace with BIOH's superstar PHP could be right back in it with Jarvis Landry as the Monday Night hammer. The winner will move on to face PAT in the Semi-Finals. POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! THE 3RD ANNUAL BYE WEEK DFS SHOWDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!! PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs. DEFEND YOUR MOVES Getting the playoff bye is always huge. This year it must be especially tough to get a team geared up for week 14 after such dramatic finishes on Monday and Tuesday. This week both playoff matchups have guys going Thursday, Sunday and Monday. That sounds tiring, so we’re more than happy to sit this one out. But us football guys know there’s a thin line between REST and RUST. Which is why we started this Bye Week DFS Showdown to help bye week teams keep their swords sharp as they await the other games‘ results. We usually put a small bet on it, to make it interesting as they say (two digit, not like those other league psychos). The only change this year is we've moved from the Yahoo! DFS platform to DraftKings, since we know both PAT and ourselves usually have other action on that app anyway. So far it’s worked out great: Every year that the bye week showdown has been played, both teams have advanced to the Special Ed Superbowl. Both these teams will still have to keep a watchful eye on their Special Ed rosters, with more players hitting IR this year than ever before. DYM will have to seriously consider which, if any, of their Panther WRs will be useful going forward. Samuel is active, but Moore is still on COVID IR and we’re not convinced his ankle is healed yet either. Paul’s Awesome Team would have been at full strength this week, but we can only wonder if they would had started Harris over Akers in a live playoff match. We both have some big decisions (and perhaps some moves) left to make before week 15. DEFEND YOU MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DONT FORGET TO VOTE FOR THE DYM AWARDS!!! CLICK HERE!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE 7th ANNUAL DEFEND YOUR MOVES AWARDS NOMINEES!!!!!!!!!!
VOTE NOW Once again it's time to nominate our favorite characters from this year's Special Ed season for our our highest honor - THE DYM AWARDS!!! Polls are now open at this link. Winners will be announced next week. As always, we nominate NFL Players for the BEST DRAFT VALUE and BEST PICKUP awards, and nominate one of YOU, the hearty Special Ed League competitors, as the DYM MVP. Surprisingly, despite the steeper learning curve this year, there are 4 NFL rookies nominated for DYM Awards (none of the one's we drafted, of course). Overall, the nominations are more consolidated than usual this year: 3 of the 4 best draft picks came within 6 picks of each other in round 9. 2 of the 4 were made by Sharon Ertz, and he was able to pick up another of them early in the season. The Commish was #2 in moves this season with 43. He used them wisely and managed to snag 3 of the top 4 Pick Ups of the year. Will it be enough to merit a DYM MVP nomination??? BEST DRAFT VALUE Aaron Rodgers - Rd 9 pick 6 - Pauls Awesome Team (23.87 ppg) #3 QB in Special Ed this year. #1 over the last 4 weeks... but c'mon it's Aaron Rodgers. Josh Allen - Rd 9 pick 8 - Defend Your Moves (22.66 ppg) #5 QB in Special Ed this year. #2 over the last 4 weeks. Possibly greatest QB of all time. Will Fuller V - Rd 8 pick 6 - Sharon Ertz (14.76 ppg) The Full House was BACK this year!! The DYM Hall of Famer was remarkably consistent, scoring over 10 ppg in 10 of 11 games he played this year. He went over 100 yds 5 times and scored a TD in 7 games. Antonio Gibson - Rd 9 pick 5 - Sharon Ertz (13.93 ppg) The rookie started out slow this year, as many did. Clocking 65 combined yds per game and 3 TDs over the first 6 weeks. That was productive enough to keep him in the mix until the game slowed down for him in week 7. Since putting up 128 yds on the Cowboys, Tony's been averaging 97.6 yds per game and scored 8 times. He was the #2 non-PPR RB in the 4 weeks before his injury. BEST PICKUP Chase Claypool - WR - Pauls Awesome Team The first rookie to break out this season. Made everybody think Juju was trash up until week 5. Justin Jefferson - WR - Commish #4 WR in Special Ed this season. Has at least 100 yards or a TD on 7 of the last 10 games. James Robinson - RB - Commish We never heard of this guy until September 14. Since then, he's gone for 100 yds or a TD 7 times and is the #4 RB in the Special Ed League. Mike Davis - RB - Commish/Rippers Filled in admirably for C-Mac, averaging 12.48 ppg from weeks 2-12. Much like Claypool, he looked like he was gonna be the shit in about week 5 but then put up several mid-season clunkers. He's now been re-acquired by The Rippers, and C-Mac is OUT again for week 14. So there's still a chance for Mike D to put wow voters this week in the playoffs. DEFEND YOUR MOVES MVP Fox News' Mike Tobin We kid, but Dr. T is a real life cardiologist. He has 4.9/5 ratings on HealthGrades.com and Vitals.com and US News & World Report rates his patients' experience as "Excellent." In this, the most fucked up of all Special Ed seasons, we must digress from our traditionally tongue-in-cheek analyses and give a true, heart-felt, BIG shout out to the good doctor. This guy is on the front lines of the fucking pandemic and is still a top DYM Reader and Scholar. He made the playoffs and averaged over 2 roster moves per week, and he crushes you guys on the group text. There's no competition for that. There can be only one nominee for this year's 2020 DYM MVP. So, from us here at DYM, to Tobin and the entire Rippers family: THANK YOU!!! And GOOD LUCK IN THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!! VOTE NOW
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2020 WEEK 13 MONDAY NIGHT SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
🚨🚨🚨BARNBURNER ALERT!!!!!🚨🚨🚨 For some reason there’s still THREE (3) NFL games left to be played in week 13. Only one Special Ed Matchup has a final score, and only 2 playoff seeds are set. The Commish will stay in 6th place even if Dougy Tacos can pull off the spoiler upset. Commish had a 70pt lead over ZP coming into the week, and ZP doesn’t seem likely to put up 180 this week. Polk High Panthers have won and punched their postseason ticket at 7-6. They will be locked into the 5th seed this year. They have a 50pt lead over the Commish, and outscored him this week, so they won’t move down to 6th even if Commish wins. Bring it on Home is currently a game ahead of them in 4th, and has all but wrapped up their 8th win. It just so happens that the only contended matchups left in Special Ed for the extended week 13 are the two that will decide the Regular Season Championship and playoff byes. Sharon Ertz is still hanging in against Paul's Awesome Team, and there's a lot of action left. If Sharon pulls off the upset here it would ensure DYM a top 2 finish. PAT is at 96.6 with Claypool and Dobbins left. Sharon trails by 31 with Hollywood Brown, Killer Beas, and the powerhouse Football Team combo of Scary Terry and Tony Gibson. Yahoo still has PAT as the 64% favorite but it seems closer to us. We're confidently sticking with our original pick. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! BIOH’s dismantling of The Paternos won’t technically end until late Tuesday night, but it’s been over. ZP will need 92 points from Ben, Dionte, a Kicker, and a D. That 1% chance on Yahoo seems about right. That’s alright, though. ZP’s had fun this year, and we’re still a good six weeks away from the Steelers heartbreaking playoff loss to the Titans. With their win, BIOH could move up to 3rd if The Defending Champs can hand Fox News’ Mike Tobin their 5th loss. Bills-Niners is the regular Monday night game tonight, and fortunately we just found out last night that my old trick of “not watching for good luck” doesn’t actually work anymore, so we're gonna be LOCKED IN. At 8:00 last night we were still knee deep in Ikea shelving, and we were taking a beating in every fantasy league, so we just let the wife have her way with the remote control. We got the appurtenances stood up by 11 and checked the Special Ed scoreboard. Then we went and cleaned our glasses and checked it again. Same thing. 5 field goals. FIVE FIELD GOALS?!?!?!?! The fuck, yo? We looked exactly like that Kramer gif right there; kept looking back at it over and over and it was shocking every time. Gotta tell you guys, we're feeling the heat right now. We want this bye EXTRA bad now cause both DJ Moore and Curtis Samuel just hit the COVID list. Dr. T has a 51 point lead right now, and we just have our two Bills left. We'd really prefer to get the win and finish in 1st place, we think that would put Paul and Tobin in the same side of the playoff bracket, so we wouldn't have to see them until the Super Bowl. But as you all know, we only technically need 23 point something to secure our +28 spread and stay in 2nd. We went ahead and looked up Josh and Stefon's game logs, and found some mildly reassuring info. In 8 of 11 games this year those two have combined for at least 23. We found 3 games this year where they've combined for 51 or more, but also 3 games where they combined for less than 23. So this is one is still TOO CLOSE TO CALL!!!!!!!!!! It's a Playoff atmosphere already over here at the DYM Home Office. We've been tailgating since 7am, Mafia style. It's getting a little out of hand. Good thing we stocked up on tables at Ikea yesterday. LETS GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GOING TO IKEA!!! NICE LITTLE SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!! After Memorial Day we bought a big umbrella for the Home Office backyard. We got this nice one from Ikea.com but it was just way too big for our patio table. So we went to send it back, but Ikea was like "Oh no. We can't come pickup a return item from your home. We care about the safety of our people, so you're going to have to come to the store in person to return it." We were like, "Dog. For real?" In those days we were already heavy into online shopping and were successfully avoiding almost all public indoor spaces. The liquor store was the only store we were going into in person at that point. Talkin bout drive-through Starbucks, curb-side groceries, all that shit. FUCK going to into that Ikea labyrinth, no thanks. So we just stuck that big ass shit in the basement and charged it to the game. After that we stayed home for another 6-months straight so, naturally, our indoor furniture started getting a bit of wear and tear. We were shopping around the other day when we remembered that we have the world's largest Ikea gift card down there in the basement. But it's only redeemable IN STORE. The Bills have primetime games the next few weeks so, knowing we had some free afternoons, the wife was emphatic that we get this housework shit done sooner than later. You see, guys, every husband and father has to make sacrifices and tough decisions, and sometimes your family needs a new entertainment center right fucking now. So, sometimes, you just gotta strap up the double mask, Bill Belichick style, and go to fucking Ikea. Now it just so happens that this past week was the worst week ever for COVID infections in NJ, and this Ikea just happens to be in one of the most heavily infected parts of our fare state. Our anxiety also hit an all time high when we saw that the parking lot was PACKED. You know that fucking 1/4 mile long parking lot they got at Ikea? It was FULL. We were a little upset about that. So we found a spot and hot boxed the car to get mentally prepared. On the way in we started telling ourselves reassuring platitudes like how Coronavirus is so obviously not real because nobody even knows what the symptoms are. Like, hey, we can't breathe that good right now, but that's because we're having a panic attack, not cause we got Corona, and who's not having a panic attack right now? Ya know? They tell everybody to stay home, knowing we're gonna eat the same microwave dinner everyday, and when we can't fucking taste it anymore we gotta get a Rona test. Fucking nonsense. Yea, we got ugly toes too, so what? It's not a disease!! We felt a little better after that pep talk but we were still ultra vigilant once we got inside. We were making moves in that place like a young Lev'eon Bell. Just walkin real real slow, wait for the hole to open up, and BANG we're running right past em. They had arrows on the floor too, but fuck that, we were on a mission, and not nobody in that Ikea could touch our footwork today. We were jukin em, then hit em with the spin move like what. Fuck with me!!!! Since we knew we'd be writing about this later we decided to count how many people we got closer than 6 ft to, and we got to 108. Not many were in my zone for more than a second or two, and all wore masks. Still, despite our best efforts, with an active COVID rate of about 5.5% in that part of NJ, there were probably 5 or 6 Rona cases breathing our air today. Pretty sure the NFL would consider that "low-risk contact" so we're just gonna keep it movin for now. OH SHIT, WE FORGOT ABOUT WHOS HOT!?!?!?!?!?!?! We were supposed to have started WHOS HOT?!? five weeks ago, but we just plum forgot, it's the darndest thing. To keep it 100, it’s been a little harder for us to focus on fantasy football this year on account of the sense of impending doom. Plus, obviously, there's been a lotta changes to our weekly routine around the DYM Home Office. Working from home was the shit at first - no commute, flexible schedule. But in the early days when there was no sports, we came up with a bunch of busy body activities to distract us from the apocalypse. By September our schedule was actutally a lot fuller than it would have normally been. Now we gotta work, teach kindergarten, fix up the house, barnstorm all the Pokemon gyms in Madison, win a PGA Tour championship on the Switch, and try to salvage a fucking stupid Saquon+Ekeler team in the new league. Something was bound to fall through the cracks. Now, at the end of the day, we really have no one to blame but ourselves, but to be honest we're a little disappointed that none of y'all ever asked about it. ITS SPOILER WEEK IN THE SPECIAL ED LEAGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERY GAME MATTERS in the final week of the regular season because NONE of the playoff seeds are set. Three teams are already eliminated from the playoffs, but each of them has the chance to RUIN someone's playoff dreams. Bring it on Home is the only team that knows for sure they're playing next week. The Rippers, PAT, and DYM are all contending for the week 14 bye, any of them could finish in first place. Polk High, THE White Jesus Poison, and Zombie Paternos are all tied at 6-6 so they are all on the brink of elimination, but could finish as high as 4th. But first they'll have to pass the final crucible of the 2020 season: THE SPOILER GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!! The most intriguing spoiler matchup is Sharon vs PAT, the #2 HOTTEST team in the league vs the #2 team in the standings. Paul's Awesome Team has been pretty awesome all year long, but Sharon has also put up over 125 twice in the last three weeks. They always show up against PAT - When these two last met Sharon posted their highest score of the year, 137.76. And of course, Special Ed historians will never forget their 2017 Playoff matchup where Sharon trounced the 3-time champ 164.02 - 88.34. Pickle Ricks!! also holds a Heat Index advantage over his playoff-contending opponent - Polk High Panthers. When they met in week 4 The Panthers put up their highest score of this season, and second highest score of their career, 163.42. But entering this season The Ricks had beaten PHP 5 straight times dating back to 2015. They'll be thirsty for revenge this week. AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEFEND YOUR MOVES vs. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 5-6 GENTLE REMINDER: If we win, we will be hosting the 3rd Annual Bye Week DFS Showdown. PAT are the reigning champs of The Showdown, and it's always a lotta fun, so if Tobin gets this win we highly encourage him to test his mettle against the our guy Paul next week. As The Commish so kindly pointed out on the group chat, The Rippers will need to win this game by 28 or more to ensure a Week 14 bye. A big win and a PAT win would send DYM down to 3rd. We would then face one of the 6-6 teams (Polk High, The White Jesus Poison, or Zombie Paternos). A more modest Rippers win could still move them into second if PAT loses to Sharon. If PAT wins and DYM loses by less than 28 then PAT goes up to first, DYM goes to 2nd, and Tobin stays in 3rd. We gotta admit, The Rippers have some dynamite matchups, and our squad really doesn't, so there's a good chance they pull off this big BIG win. Plus they have a rare fantasy revenge game opportunity this week: We tried to trade for Al Rob a couple weeks ago, but Tobin denied us. According to the ancient rules of Fantasy Revenge, whenever we have a trade offer rebuffed, the player we wanted will usually play like shit against us the next time we see him; That's what you call an "anti-revenge game". It's a key part of our fantasy defense strategy. Unfortunately for us Robinson is now questionable after a late week practice injury (always the worst) making this now a Reverse Anti-Revenge Game in Tobin's favor. Once every twenty years Jupiter and Saturn come into alignment in the sky above the northern hemisphere. So it's no surprise that, as the planets near their generational alignment this month, David Johnson would be activated for a revenge game against DYM. We drafted DJ in the 4th round, but dropped him when he went to IR last month. If Tobin were to bench Allen Robinson and start David Johnson it would complete this league's first ever Revenge Game-Reverse Anti-Revenge Game convergence. It's possibly unstoppable. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs. SHARON ERTZ On the way back from Ikea we heard a guy call in to a radio show and ask if he should start Tony Gibson over Zeke. The host hemmed and hawed as we screamed at the radio "YES!!!! START GIBSON!!!" Predictably they told the caller he "can't bench his #1 pick at this point." Jeez Louise, you guys, big smgdh. Antonio Gibson has SEVEN (7) touchdowns in the last 4 weeks, and he's the #2 RB in our league over that span (#1 in non-PPR). We're not gonna air out this radio guy here, but we will tell you we happen to know that this guy was PAT's go-to when they had XM. We were really hoping to hear PAT call in and ask this clown if he likes Damien Harris or Amari this week. We just know he's gonna blow it. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE WHITE JESUS POISON vs MAKE IT DEEP Tacos has the only non-playoff team that's less HOT than their SPOILER opponent. The Commish is running luke warm at 104.90 over the last three weeks. Meanwhile Tacos is averaging a paltry 94.83 over the last 3, the second lowest in the league. In fact they're averaging just 102.55 since week 4, also second lowest in the league, and they've only won 2 games in the last 9 weeks. It's sad, tho. That team was gangbusters for the first two or three weeks. In week 1 they had the league high score at 159.04. After week 3 they still led the league in points with 137.27 per game, but the wheels had actually already fallen off a week before. In week 2 this team lost three of their DYM Hall of Famers: C-Mac, Smokey Brown, and Raheem "The Most" Mostert. They should have been toast after week two, but Russell and Hopkins kept them afloat in week 3 before losing each of the next two games by less than 1 point. If Julio and Josh Kelley coulda dropped one more pass, or got injured just one play sooner, then Dougy Tacos could've been 6-6 and competing for a playoff spot right now, but alas. THE WHITE JESUS POISON WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRING IT ON HOME vs. ZOMBIE PATERNOS ZP is about 70 points behind the rest of the 6-6 teams. So if both PHP and The Commish win, then ZP is gonna be assed out no matter what happens here. There was some late breaking news on Saturday that could be relevant to this game: Tua was activated late in the afternoon. He's listed as Q but the Dolphins haven't "named a starter" yet. If Miami benches FItz, then Devonte Parker has to hit the ZP's bench too. We know he's itching to start Hamler anyway, it must be killing him to start a guy that played football in the Big East. ZOMBIE PATERNOS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! PICKLE RICKS vs. POLK HIGH PANTHERS How the fuck is Jarvis Landry still on a team? Well, guess that makes him a keeper candidate for PHP. In fact, PHP has an incredible FOUR (4) players still on the roster that he drafted after round 7. Hopefully this was by design, since they've only made 14 moves this year (smgdh). The Ricks haven't been much more active, only 16 moves in 12 weeks, but only have one potential keeper (Darius Slayton). And that's the way it should be this year, you guys. We were kinda thinking we should just not do keepers this year so we don't have to think about 2020 anymore after it's over. Pretty sure Rob will hate this idea but what do the rest of you guys think? PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! This being the last week of the regular season, we ought to give you all an update on the keeper candidacy across the league. We perused the draft results and came up with this list below. Let us know if we missed anybody and we'll update it here for reference: Commish - Matt Ryan (8) Pickle Ricks!! - Slayton (8) PAT - Tyler Boyd (8), Aaron Rodgers (9) Zombie Paternos - Diontae Johnson (9), PIT D/ST (10), Ben (11) PHP - Jarvis Landry (8), Mike Williams (9), KC D/ST (12), CeeDee Lamb (14) Sharon Ertz - Will Fuller V (8), Tony Gibson(!!!!) (9) BIOH - Chase Edmonds (10), Robby Anderson (14) Rippers - Christian Kirk (10) HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUNTIN ON MY FAMILY PART 2 We kicked off our holiday weekend with wall-to-wall College Basketball action on Wednesday. The other-league text chain was extra hyped and everybody had early game LOCKS. The consensus in that group was to generally look for Unders and Underdog-Covers since some of these teams hadn't really been practicing yet. We were inclined to follow along, since one of these guys played Div. 1 hoops in college, and one of them is currently a college basketball coach so they might know something we don't. We put in first half under bets on the first four games, just to test it out. Only one hit and the Overs were going WAAAAY over. So we switched gears real fast and emptied out the rest of our FD and DK accounts on Overs. Altogether we threw in on at least 30 games including parlays for every time slot for the rest of the day. Swear to God we only saw about 5 Unders all day. IT WAS NUTS!!! We cleaned up. So much so that we even told our Old Lady about it. See, we never talk to her about gambling, and this is exactly why. We told her we had just cashed out several hundred dollars and the first thing she says is "You bet on how many games?? Baby, do you think you might have a problem?" And that really made us think, ya know. Maybe we do have a problem. The PROBLEM is we need some new fucking sneakers. BLAOW!!!! This Nike Zoom UNVRS is a unisex basketball shoe sponsored by non-playing superstar Elena Della Donne. EDD famously opted out of the 2020 bubble season, so you know this shoe is gonna be just as functional on the couch as it is on the court.
It has the soft cushiony upper you need in a winter-time house shoe, and the bold flashy design that lets your whole family know that your game is unfuckwitable. The Zoom sole is, in our opinion, Nike’s most comfortable platform. Much lighter and softer than any Air Max. Now, one might think that a mid-top basketball shoe wouldn’t be the ideal style for around-the-house wear, but Nike’s new laceless “FlyEase” technology lets you slide your foot in like a loafer, and can easily be worn with the strap loosened for a baggy, Kevin Durant style fit. We cannot wait to kick these bad boys up on the coffee table, right in the wife and kid’s faces. FOOD BEEF V: CHINESE FOOD Ming II, Morristown, NJ We ordered from Ming II on Thanksgiving Day and it was SLAMMIN. The only problem is that it might be too good for this competition. There's a place right near the home office called Blossom Asian Bistro which was excluded from the Tour despite having some of the highest quality food in town. That’s because we’re looking for regular “Chinese Food” spots - not “Asian Cuisine.” We're not writing Food Beef just to tell you guys that good restaurants are good. Just like we're not gonna compliment anybody for drafting Aaron Rodgers, we're not gonna go out of our way to review a restaurant that's actually good. Ming II sounds like the name of a regular-ass Chinese place, and the menu has all the usual fare: Kung Po Chicken, Fried Rice, Dim Sum; And it wasn't all that expensive either. But the tell-tale sign of an “Asian Cuisine“ restaurant is they never have chicken wings on the menu. Fried Chicken Wings are a must-have for the Chinese Food Tour Playoffs, so Ming II will be awarded an honorary Food Beef Seal of Approval, but will not be competing for the title of BEST CHINESE FOOD. To pair with this fine Thanksgiving's Day Feast, we picked up a couple bottles of Snoop Dogg’s signature vintage - 19 Crimes California Red. We fully expected it to taste like shit and it did not disappoint!!! This wine is like half Carlo Rossi and half Grape-flavor Mad Dog 20/20. We didn’t finish a glass but we're still satisfied with the purchase. Gotta support the culture, you guys. AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!! DEFEND YOUR MOVES vs THE WHITE JESUS POISON AGoTW Prediction Record: 4-6 We still have two Ravens on the DYM roster, and we're pretty sure we won't use be using them this week. TWENTY (20) Ravens players have COVID right now, including two QBs and their top two Centers. They will be activating their ENTIRE practice squad and they still aren't going to have 53 players. If this game does get played it's gonna be uuuugly. League officials are gonna have to keep a close eye on the Saints-Broncos game, where Denver will be bringing up a practice squad WR to play quarterback this week. Seriously. Kendall Hinton started 4 games at QB for Wake Forest in 2015 and '16 before getting injured, suspended, and then converting to WR. If the Broncos can't put a decent football product on the field on Sunday, then we don't think they let RGIII go out there with no offensive line and no backups. The league has preempively shut down all team facilities next Monday and Tuesday. They got their finger on the button right now, they're this close to shutting the whole thing down and giving everybody an extra bye in week 13. The league already approved this plan a few weeks ago. The first contingency is to push everything back a week and cancel the Pro Bowl. If any playoff contending teams won't be able to play every game by week 18 then they shut it all down and go to a 16 team playoff tournament. 8 teams from each conference bracket up with no bye weeks. The funny thing about that plan is there's only 6 NFC teams over .500 right now. People have been clowning the NFC East all year, but the Packers are the only NFC North team over .500 and it feels like that team could collapse at any moment. The Ravens REEEAAALLLLY don't want to forfeit a game right now because if that 16-team tourney had started this week they'd be the 8-seed in the AFC. If they forfeit to the Steelers and the Raiders win this week they'd move down to 9th. It's gonna be VERY INTERESTING, so even in a week without football, there'll be plenty of DYM content on deck. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs BRING IT ON HOME The 16-team playoff would be fun, we'd love it, but we're still kinda hoping football gets canceled altogether so we can start writing Cum Jesus. Chapter one is about the woefully under-funded Jerusalem police department. Frankincense and myrrh dealers control the western district and the police are at a loss as to how to stem the violence of the ongoing gang wars. They manage to arrest the leader of the westside's most powerful gang. But this only leaves a power vacuum which allows lower level dealers to step in to control portions of the district. Some are more capable, and more dangerous, than others. Avon doesn't really know who he can trust on the outside, so he calls in The Wise Men to clean up his streets for him. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! PICKLE RICKS vs ZOMBIE PATERNOS The ZPs have two Steelers in the lineup as of now and they don't have great options on the bench either. Hamler is a no-go with a High School QB throwing to him. That leaves just Singletary or Josh Kelley, both of whom scored less than 2 points last week. Probably his best move would be to drop both of them for a Defense and an Eagle WR so he can at least wait until tomorrow to decide whether to bench Dionte. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! 🧑🏻🎄HOS IN THIS HOUSE🎄vs SHARON ERTZ Yet another of WhosHotStradamus' predictions came to pass this week on The Mandalorian. Back in 2018 we predicted that Ahsoka Tano from The Clone Wars would one day be brought to life in a live-action feature. Season 2 of Mandalorian is crushing it. Mando's mission this season is to find a Jedi to take care of Baby Yoda. That Jedi was revealed this week to be the prodigal Ahsoka. We're very much looking forward to the Ahsoka series that they're spinning off here. Baby Yoda is 50 years old, so he's gonna need GENERATIONS of babysitters. Ahsoka can rock with him for a couple seasons, then maybe dump him off on a young Poe and BB-8 or maybe Ezra will show up again, maybe bring back broom boy, who know?!?! The possibilities are endless!! There was one very curious scene this week, tho. When Ahsoka read Baby Yoda's mind, she said he'd been raised in the Jedi Temple and that she had "only ever known one being like him". One? ONE??!?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT YADDLE??? In Episode I there were two Yodas - Yoda and Yaddle, the lady Yoda. We always had hoped to find out that Baby Yoda (real name "Grogu", btw) was Yaddle and Yoda's kid. Now it appears they're trying to erase our old girl. FUCK THAT!!! If they don't bring back Yaddle we're fucking DONE with Star Wars. For real this time. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS lets go. PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHATS UP SPECIAL ED?!?!?! We hope you guys all made the most of that Thursday Nighter, cause it’s gonna be the only interesting game of the week. Just look at all these stinkers we got on tap for today. Is this the ugliest slate of games you guys have ever seen? We can’t really imagine it being any worse. There is not a single watchable game on today. NONE!!! Seriously, are you guys even a little interested in ANY of these games? These are all objectively terrible games. Plus G-men and Bills are on bye, the Steelers get a free win, and none of the Falcons’ games matter anymore. ATL-New Orleans is the only divisional game today, and they might both be tanking. 8 teams this week are on their (at least) second QB of the year. Indy-Green Bay is the only o/u over 50, and we’re starting Indy defense in the other league, so we’d really prefer an under in that one. Maybe Rob might still be tuning in as long as the Eagles are in playoff* contention; and Cousin Mike probably has a G on Steelers -10.5, but that's about it right? There’s only one more month til the NBA starts up again and, man, we cannot wait. NBAtv Channel ought to fire up a special presentation of Shaqtin’ a Fool for this week’s NFL games. The choicest bad games of the week for us are Eagles-Browns, Bengals-Washington, and Dolphins-Broncos. 5 of the 6 QBs in these games are Special Ed free agents, and DYM is STREAMING QBs THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! Normally we relish the opportunity to stream QBs. We love scouring the bad games for under-the-radar exploitable matchups. In fact, just a week ago we were pretty psyched to stream this week. Because two of our VERY FAVORITE players that most of y'all have never heard of had been penciled in as week 11 NFL starters: Garrett Gilbert and PJ Walker!!!!!!!!!! WHO? Long-time readers will remember that the whole DYM staff were once very big fans of the now defunct Alliance of American Football. The AAF was meant to be a true Minor League for the NFL. Thy recruited the very best undrafted college players, and NFL practice squaders to compete under a national spotlight. It gave hundreds of players an unofficial audition for the Big Leagues. It was a beautiful dream; a bud that sprouted in an October indian-summer, that hadn't time to bloom before November's first frost. Despite critical acclaim from its small cult following, the league was not financially viable and declared bankruptcy after 8 weeks. The following year Vince McMahon resurrected the previous best attempt at an NFL minor league - the XFL. After 3 years of planning, and a failed merger with the AAF, the XFL began play just 5 weeks before the national sports shut-down in mid-march. But despite their ostensible operational failure, both leagues may have accomplished their human resources goal of matriculating players into the NFL. The top QBs from both league's entered this year on NFL benches: Garrett Gilbert was AAF's top QB, and captain of the unofficial AAF Champion Orlando Apollos. Gilbert entered the season as the 3rd string QB for the Cowboys. He started week 10 with both Dak and Andy Dalton injured, and was not wholly unsuccessful. A week 11 matchup with the shitty, shitty Vikings was VERY appealing on paper. The pride of Elizabeth NJ - PJ Walker - was the #1 QB in the XFL. Leading the immaculately named Houston Roughnecks to a 5-0 record. This would be PJ SkyWalker's first NFL start, but did you know that he is the Temple Owls all-time leader in passing yards, passing touchdowns, completions, attempts, total yards, total touchdowns, and wins for a QB?? AND did you know that his college coach, Matt Rhule, is now the head coach of the Carolina Panthers???? This pair of VERY EXCITING potentialities has been all but dashed in the last few days as Dalton has regained the wherewithal to suit up this week and Teddy Two-Gloves is planning to "test the knee" during pregame warm ups. So fuck me, right? But streaming still ought not to be too hard in this 10-team league, there's still a few other veteran journeyman making a spot start against a league-worst D. The Saints have not one but TWO bench veterans going up against the league's worst defense but, jesus christ, we know those crazy fucks are gonna play both of them for like 30 snaps each and they're both gonna throw two picks. We just fucking know it. Then there's also Joe Flacco in a similar spot against the Clippers. But that might be another double-tank game, and we absolutely can't fuck with any Jets until Adam Gase gets fired. Which brings us back to our SPOTLIGHT STINKERS of the week. Our best streaming candidates now are probably Burrow (@ was), Wentz (@ cle), or Lock (vs miami). YUCK 🤮. All three of those defenses are just not-bad enough to be annoying for a QB streamer, and Lock is the only one at home but also the one we trust the least in a vacuum. Fuck, man. We're gonna lose. NO CHINESE FOOD THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! We're gonna be a week behind on the Chinese Food Tour 'cause, to be honest, we needed a week to recover from Lin's Palace. That was brutal. For Week 11, Food Beef would like to send a very special breakfast shout-out top the animus Bring It On Home. They clued us in to a secret menu item at out favorite bagel spot. Bagel Cafe in New Providence is still the #1 bagel in our area; Chatham Bagel (the 2019 Food Beef Champ) is more than acceptable but to be honest we still prefer to make the trek back to Bagel Cafe. The cool thing there is you can get a McDonalds-style hash brown patty on your bacon-egg-and-cheese sandwich and MAAAAAAN, we gotta tell ya, there's nothing better. Might be our favorite sandwich anywhere in the world. THANKS FOR THE TIP, BIOH!!!!!!!!!!! AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs PICKLE RICKS!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 4-5 These two are both Giants fans, and they have five players each in late games, so they can treat themselves to a 1:00 nap this week!!!!!!!!!!! Yahoo is predicting a solid PAT victory, but we think it'll be a lot closer. PAT has Dalvin Cook with a ++ matchup against Dallas, but we also like Mahomes matchup at Oakland a lot better than Rodgers at the Colts. We think the deciding factor will be the Packers' and Colts' respective game plans vis-a-vis Aaron Jones. When it looked like Davante Adams was gonna be out we figured it would be a 20+ carry day for Jones, but the Colts would likely not have a hard time stopping that one-dimensional attack. Now, if Davante the Savante is actually decoying this week he could distract enough defensive attention to open up some lanes for Jones at least early on. But the fact that everybody's gassing up Nyheim Hines and Mike Pittman might suggest a higher scoring affair (and maybe we should stream Phil Rivers? ... Nah.) Darrell Henderson is still an x-factor in the Monday Night capper, but The Ricks will certainly hope they've already got a lead by then. Close one. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!!!! DEFEND YOUR MOVES vs SHARON ERTZ 60 minutes til Kickoff and we still don't have a QB. But Ekeler is not back so Sharon is starting La'Mical Perine. If Perine weren't a Jet he'd be a very sexy under-the-radar guy for DYM. Perine was like the 4th most NFL ready player on an OK 2019 Gators team, and he's Samaje Perine's brother (not necessarily an endorsement). But, fuck that, no way we lose to a team with a Jet on it. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!! THE WHITE JESUS POISON vs BRING IT ON HOME Man that breakfast sandwich was soooo good, you guys. We were even almost gonna pick BIOH this week as an act of good will. But he's still starting Leveon Bell and two white WRs in the flexes. Just can't do it. Great sandwich tho. THE WHITE JESUS POISON WINS!!!!!!!!!!! ZOMBIE PATERNOS vs TOBIN & THE RIPPERS Tobin lost last week when Chubb went out of bounds instead of scoring a TD with :53 remaining. In the previous two weeks Penn State and the Falcons had RBs score when they shouldn't have (with their team up 1 or two points) and thus allowed the opponent enough time to come back and win. But that was NOT the case here!!!! The Browns were up by 3, so a Chubb TD would have put them up by 9 points at minimum. When you're just one hail-mary away from losing, you don't wanna give Deshaun Watson that shot (and, btw, a Deshaun hail-mary would have also won it for Tobin). But 9 points in less than :50 seconds would necessitate multiple miracles that Cleveland should have been confident in averting. Very unfortunate for The Rippers. TOBIN & THE RIPPER WINS!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOWS PANDEMICS vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS Fun Fact: Our Guy Russell was averaging 32 points per game through week 8. But in that week 8 game against San Francisco the Seahawks had 3 offensive lineman and 2 running backs go down to injury. Since that time Russell has been sacked at least 3 times per game, has 7 total turnovers, and has not scored more than 21 fantasy points in Special Ed. DeAndre Hopkins also played on Thursday and had his 4th inexplicably unimpressive game. Kylo got pretty banged up but we're sure he'll shake it off like he always does. POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!!!!!!!!!! LIVE UPDATE 12:15pm - IT LOOKS LIKE PJ WALKER IS STARTING!!!! LETS GOOO!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!
SPECIAL ED 10th* ANNIVERSARY WEEK 10 SPECIAL!!!!!!!!! What's up Special Ed?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! This the tenth week of the tenth season of this ten-team fantasy league. It's an auspicious occasion. So much so, that it's got us a bit verklempt. We’ve just been having a hard time putting the pen to the paper this week. It feels like we're writing a wedding toast right now. Not that there's any shortage of potential "content" out here, but none of it feels right for such a momentous week. So like the drunk, best men that we are, we'll just grab this mic here and kick off this league's 10th anniversary celebration with - The Other League Update!!!!! We know you're all here for Special Ed content, but trust us. You guys are gonna love this story. The last couple weeks in the Saw Jaw Stumble XIV have been a doosey unlike any other. This is my brother's league where we co-manage a team with the Commish. A lot of you guys know the guys in this league (team names only below, we'll decode it for y'all in the text chain), so you won't be surprised there's always a very high-key energy in those guys' text chain. But last week Special Ed The Team threw a propane tank on that smoldering tire-fire of a league. We know the whole zeitgeist is triggered when Sox busts out the old Hitler meme videos: It's LIT right now, as the kids would say. But how did we get here? Well, it really all goes back to draft night: Doc Leeds TANKED the draft. We know he was paid off, not 100% sure by whom, but we have theories. The draft tank was subtle, just decent enough to seem reasonable. But it did not escape the eagle-eyed gaze of Special Ed The Team. Apologies to any of you guys who drafted these players, but these were ALL the wrong picks. We knew it at the time, and it's obviously true now. Just for context - Doc Leeds is very good at fantasy football. He makes the playoffs every year. He won B2B chips in 2016 and '17, followed by a 3rd place finish in 2018. But then last year, out of nowhere, he lost to the perennially worst player in the league in the playoffs, which everybody was already kinda looking at sideways. Plus the fact that he bullied half of this league back in High School gave our little conspiracy theory a built-in audience. So we called him out, and everybody had a good laugh. Ever since then, The Commish has been relentlessly harassing Doc. Talkin bout daily, unprompted shit talk. For weeks everybody in that league woke up to our dear Commish's 4:00am ball busting. It even wore us down after a while, to be honest. As luck would have it, we weren't matched up Doc until week 9, so we're talking about a 2 month long marathon MARATHON of shit talking. Doc's last nerve snapped around 9:00am last Monday morning. We sent a screen-cap of a $36 DraftKings win from the week before and he says: Love how this is "a gentleman's bet". Goddamn maniacs. As we all know, The Commish has a tendency to go completely nocturnal if he doesn't have much to do during the day. The problem is our squad's got a bunch of injuries, so the afternoon practice reports were extra crucial. So we (I) get up in there and start banging moves all day Wednesday, and Commish isn't answering any of my texts. Which is fine, we don't mind doing it, but Doc had Aaron Rodgers on Thursday night (4 TDs 👍), so we were a little perturbed when Commish slept through the WHOLE FUCKING GAME too. See that's the difference between a co-manager and a TEAMMATE. That motherfucker left us to fend for ourselves in that fucking Thursday night snake pit. Unreal. So. It was a tough weekend - we lashed out at our love-ones and refused to let ourselves enjoy our other two fantasy wins, nor the Bills drubbing of the Seahawks - all because we lost to that GODDAMN Leeds. Of course the story doesn't quite end there. -- The Commish tried to apologize on Monday and we said something to the effect of "We woulda won if we had Diggs." See, back in September we had a deal in place with the most maniacal of all this league's maniacs, Murder Ink (Sox's brother). We had agreed to trade Stephon Diggs for Ekeler, like two days before he got hurt, but Chris vetoed it. We had never gotten over that; thought about it almost every day, actually. That is until this past Tuesday, just when we were about DONE talking to The Commish, we heard that hotline phone ringing off the hook. Guess who was on the line -- That's right, the prodigal Diggs Owner himself, Murder Ink. As he often does on a Tuesday afternoon, Murder was calling around the whole league trying to find some blow. (Again, goddamn maniacs.) At first we were like "nah. Can't help ya." But then he goes "c'moooon man, hook me up, I'll trade you Dalvin Cook." And we said "WORD?" But also - It ended up being a pretty cromulent deal. We gave Ink our 2 favorite guys, DK Metcalf and Johnathan Taylor, for Dalvin Cook and Tee Higgins. We told Ink that Commish was gonna piss himself if we gave away DK - and we were right, he did piss himself pretty bad - but no veto this time - and we got it done. Goddamn what a week. I keep saying that being in 3 leagues feels like too much. But sometimes, The Saw Jaw is just too much all on it's own. We had wanted to say that we just had "the most crazy week of fantasy football ever", but that really doesn't do it justice. The epilogue is we did actually jump back in to their text chain yesterday to tell 'em about how the Ghost of Kobe is gonna help the Rams win the Super Bowl. We realized right away we should have been saving those kinds of screwball takes for DYM, but it went over surprisingly well over there as well. TRADE DEADLINE!!!!!!!!!! TICK TICK TICK!!!!! One weird deal got done right at the deadline last night, but overall this has been a very slow year for fantasy trades, and we think we understand why. The fact is, we are in the midst of the highest scoring NFL season of all time, and there just are waaay too many guys that seem to be getting it done every week. That sounds like it'd be good for the game of fantasy football, but it's problematic for the true fantasy game theorists. The problem arises not just from there being too many good players, but also not enough BAD players. Everybody thinks about trades in terms of who they're targeting. Who's available and can make my team better? So we could point out (and we will below) that there are hardly any dominant every-week-Superstars in the NFL this year, but we think the bigger problem is that there's not enough scrubs. Big moves and trades can only happen when the grass looks distinctly greener on the other side of at least some teams' fences. So when there's not anybody actively shitting the bed on your team, AND no Superstars available, it becomes hard to motivate yourself to make marginal improvements. We believe this happened somewhat by design. The lack of training camp and practices forced many NFL teams to enter this season with a slightly different approach to roster management. Rookies and younger players will necessarily have a longer learning curve this year. To mitigate this, some NFL teams avoided drafting skill position players this year even though there were obvious needs (Packers). And most every teams loaded their benches and practice squads with veteran role-players who all inevitably "earned" their spots by "outplaying" their younger counterparts. Old ass RBs like Adrian Peterson, Devonta Freeman, Jerrick McKinnon and JD McKissic, who should all rightfully be out of the league by now, are seen by the NFL as "more reliable" options in the year 2020*. If it weren't for COVID we kinda doubt Keelan Cole or Corey Davis or Mike Williams would be on our radar. And seriously, who the fuck is Travis Fulgham? And Jordan Wilkins? Really? GTFOH with that. The interesting thing is that there are WAY more points being scored int the NFL overall this year (25.3 points per game per team; +2 ppg over 2018), but almost every team (besides maybe the Packers and Vikings) have managed to distribute the surplus amongst these pseudo-scubs instead of letting established Superstars feast. Sometimes it's just weird though, we can't think of any good reason why Deandre Hopkins is under 15pts per game. Same for Joe Mixon; and the Bengals even have a rookie QB but he's distributing the ball with the utmost magnanimity. If we did DYM Power Rankings again this week they'd look very different than they did in week 4. Back then we saw fit to deem NINE (9) RB/WRs as 2020 Fantasy Superstars. Another 30 were named LEGIT STARTERS at the season quarter pole. Right now we would argue that there are only two Superstars, maybe four, tops. Dalvin Cook and Davante Adams are each scoring a full 5 points per game more than the #2 player at their positions. Those #2's - Kamara and DK Metcalf - are each about 3 points per game better than the next highest scorers. After that there's 3 more guys at each position you could say are "Legit Good" (RBs: Aaron Jones, James Rob, and Henry; WR's: Hill, Lockett, and Ridley). And that's it, period. Ten guys, tops, that were really worth trading for. As it stands today, Only BIOTH (Kyler Murray & Davante), PAT (Aaron Rodgers & Cook) and maybe Pickle Rick (Patty Mahomes & Aaron Jones) have more than one SuperStar. After those top 10 dudes, everybody is pretty much the same. There are THIRTY RBs and THIRTY-FIVE WRs averaging between 10 and 15 points per game. All those together are about enough to fill every Special Ed starting lineup, so that's it. There's only 3 real contenders in this league, the rest of us just gotta get our little 105 every week and keep our fingers crossed. FOOD BEED V: CHINESE FOOD!!!!! Lin's Palace, Morristown NJ 🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑🗑🚮🗑🚮🗑 Holy shit this place is bad. Like, wow. Really bad. Did not see it coming either. It looks like a totally legit Chinese spot. Apparently the restauranteurs are from Taiwan. There's a separate menu of Taiwanese dishes, but we opted for the standard American-Chinese fare. Unfortunately we're not likely to EVER go back to try the Taiwainese because the Chinese was absolute GAR-BAGE. The overarching theme at Lin's is almost everything is EXTREMELY oily and has no flavor. That's pretty much the perfect storm of bad Chinese food - it tastes bad going down, and you don't forget how bad it was for several hours after. Just the worst. HOT & SOUR SOUP - 0/10 - This was neither "hot" nor "sour," it may or may not have been a soup. HOME STYLE TOFU - 6/10 - The wife says: "They managed to make tofu taste unhealthy." It was spicy tho! PU PU PLATTER - 5/10 - The beef satay was edible but no clue what the flavor was supposed to be, it tasted like ashes and sweet n' low. DUMPLINGS - 5/10 - These were burned real bad, so it's hard to say, but we think the meat inside mighta actually been kinda good. But the wrapper is the very worst you'll find anywhere. Might have actually been meat wrapped in paper. CHICKEN WINGS - 7/10 - We think wings are gonna be a required playoff order. In general we LOOOVE Chinese wings. So crispy!! But if they serve these wingettes like fucking TGIFridays it's gonna be an automatic 1-point deduction. REAL American-Chinese food distributors only sling FULL WINGS. Everybody knows this. PORK FRIED RICE - 7/10 - Edible. Matter fact, this and the wings were the only things we didn't throw out. TOTAL SCORE: 5/10 AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!! SHARON ERTZ vs BRING IT ON HOME AGoTW Prediction Record 3-5 Alright, so we're putting the nemesis BIOTH on primetime two weeks in a row. You guys all know we're never gonna pick him. That's our mandate. But we really wanted to shout out the Sharon Ertz squad this week. He's getting Tony Gibson and Michael Thomas in the lineup again this week, and next week 🤞 should be Ekeler week. So watch out, you guys. If SE comes through with this win, they could turn it on down the stretch. Longtime readers will recall that we once thought it was impossible for an 8 loss team to make the Special Ed Playoffs but back in 2017 we were proven WRONG!!!!!!!! That year Tacos snuck in with a 5-8 record, and was summarily dismissed from the first round of the postseason by none other than SHARON ERTZ himself!!!!!!!! LETS GO!!!!! To be fair the 'Pros have BIOTH as #1 in weekly power ranks and, like we said above, they are among the few teams with a clear path to the Chip (on paper); and they're starting a Ram at home vs Seattle (Rams undefeated at home FYI); but still. Can't do it. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!! DEFEND YOUR MOVES vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS We'd be remiss if we didn't expound on the tidbit we dropped in the text chain earlier this week: Last week SOMEONE in Washington DC clicked through on this weblog, again. Couple days later, someone who's last name that rhymes with "chump" did our schtick in real life AGAIN. It's fucked up. In general, we try to write about things that most people aren't talking about; and that's kinda the point - No one wants to read a blog about our fantasy league!!! That's THE JOKE!!! Likewise, no one SHOULD want to read a blog full of anarchist conspiracy theories and unpopular Star Wars takes; but, again, that's kinda the point of this whole enterprise. Ultimately this is just another item in the long list of things the Trump family does that you all ought not to do -- You don't want to bring up the content of this blog in public, you guys. Trust us, we've alienated several close friends and family members with these takes. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!! PAUL'S AWESOME TEAM vs ZOMBIE PATERNOS We had an idea for the other day. We came up with a pretty elegant way to get rid of Kickers and D's in this league. Long-story-short, we'd replace them with the average of the best two guys on your bench (aka the "bench score"). We crunched a lotta numbers and wrote a persuasive 900 words about how it would work and how it might change some strategic elements. But then we realized the whole thing wasn't really possible in Yahoo so we put a pin in that for now. PAT WINS!!!!!!!!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs THE WHITE JESUS POISON Man, we almost forgot to write up this game. It's very unexciting. This one's got 105-106 written all over it. Woulda been cool if Tobin hadn't started Tannehill. We can't kill him too bad for it though, cause we were just as dumb for starting JT. Now he's untradable AND gets us no fucking points. Sweet. Shout out to Tobin for working those trade phones HARD yesterday tho. Chubb was probably the only guy on his roster with realistic upside, and they managed to keep him and scored a high quality QB. GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!!!!!!! PICKLE RICKS vs I KNOWS PANDEMICS Just thought we should tell you guys that Tua is our streamer QB this week in Eugene's league. Yep. 1,500 years ago everyone KNEW the Earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago everyone KNEW the Earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago you KNEW that DYM would never start a Dolphin. Imagine what you'll KNOW tomorrow. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
What's up Special Ed?!? It's Thursday afternoon and America's Olympic future still hangs in the balance!!!!!!!!! There's a whole bunch of announcements scheduled to be made in the next few hours here so we ordered up our weekly Chinese food and we're getting ready to do it LIVE right here on Defend Your Moves!!!!!!!!! We MIGHT have NFL practice injury reports!!! Thursday Night inactives!!!! A Chinese food delivery!!!!! And -MAAAAYYBE - a brand new President of the United States!!!!!! Here's where we're at with the election right now (2:53pm) : The funny thing is the Associated Press, Google, and Fox News have all been calling AZ for Biden since last night. Only CNN and MSNBC still have a tally of 253-213, and they've been talking about GA and PA all day. Everybody else has 264-213, which would mean Biden only needs NV to win it all. But hey, Tapper and em are the pros. They know how to tell a story. ...AND THE CHINESE FOOD HAS ARRIVED!!! We'll take a sampling here while we write this next section - THE OTHER LEAGUE UPDATE A few members of the Special Ed League are taking part in a fledgling ancillary league consisting entirely of SHS Class of '99 Alumni. The DYM squad over there got the #2 pick so we took Saquan, like an idiot. Then Ekeler in the 2nd, cause both those guys were absolute locks in a .5 PPR, so dependable. The worst part is this league has those archaic Tuesday waiver rules, so when you get fucked by injuries there's usually not that much you can do about it. We're 1-7 now and in sole possession of last place after losing to none other than the venerable Special Ed Player Emeritus - JEFF ERTZ. smgdh, indeed. That's our boy Pickle Ricks!! in 1st place btw. Anyways, we really just wanted to mention that waiver issue here for a couple reasons. First of all - shout out to all you guys. Special Ed is still THE BEST fantasy league on the world. Second - check out those MOVE counts. ⬆️ That's 251 Moves league-wide in 8 weeks, WITH NO MOVES ON SUNDAYS!!! Our fair Special Ed League is sitting at a paltry 176 Moves as of 3:55pm Thursday. C'mon now, guys. We can do better. AND WE'VE GOT ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT!!! Jonathan Taylor's fake ankle injury is all healed up. Good as new. We gotta choose between him and Dexter Williams before the end of this article, so this could be big. FOOD BEEF V: CHINESE FOOD BEAN CURD RESTAURANT, Chatham, NJ Bean Curd House is the current go-to in the DYM household. We considered it the #1 seed entering the Tour. Everything you get here just tastes like higher-quality grub than most other Chinese spots. It's not too greasy; almost never over-cooked; got the big-sliced veggies and meat. Just a solid, solid Chinese place. The only real problem is they don't deliver and they're "conveniently" located in the middle of downtown Chatham. Right next to the train station on Main St. We went down there to pick up just now and the traffic was still slow as shit (Did we mention it's Thursday afternoon right now?) Still tho, everything we ate just now really hit the mark, as usual. DUMPLINGS - 8.5 - Flawless but not exceptional: Dough was tender, not too thick, and the meat was soft too. Flavor doesn't blow you away tho. BEEF STICK - 7.5 - We really enjoyed this, but it was sweet, not hot curry like the ones we got at the last few places. Once again, it was good but, also unexciting. SESAME CHICKEN - 10 - Delicious and cooked to PERFECTION! Probably the most tender deep fried meat we've had anywhere on this tour. HOT & SOUR SOUP - 7.5 - Another technically good dish, with a distinct lack of pizzaz. good broth consistency, good veggie size. But not hot enough. Order it extra spicy next time. UDON NOODLE SOUP - 8 - This is a Japanese soup on paper, but Bean Curd's take on it tastes VERY Chinese. Think hot & sour soup, with shredded chicken - but it's not sour, just very HOT - and then it's got those big udon noodles that everybody loves. TOTAL SCORE: 8.3 DYM LIVE TIME UPDATE: 4:56 PM Looks like Aaron Jones is gonna be active tonight. That's bad news for DYM The Team. Looks like Pickle Ricks is gonna start both Thursday Night RBs against us here. This is gonna be an EXTRA tilting Thursday night, you guys. Good thing weed is legal in NJ now, we're about to go eat an edible for dessert. hold on. ... OK, we're back. Still no official inactives for tonight. And we coulda swore there was gonna be a Nevada announcement around 5pm Eastern, but CNN is still in Philly for whatever reason. Nothing to see here. AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!! BRING IT ON HOME vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS AGoTW Prediction Record: 3-4 So Amazon is letting you choose "Alternative Commentary" on tonight's game when you watch online. It says here you can have the classic Buck-Aikman booth; Ladies' Night with Hannah Storm and Andrea Kramer; or the British stylings of Derek Rae and Tommy Smyth. That's amazing, btw, "Derek Rae" and "Tommy Smith" are like the Deejay Dallas of British names. We're 90% sure those were both names of characters from Lock Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels. Gotta be made up. We are 100% watching the British version tonight. We LOVE funny accents. We even found a couple fantasy football podcasts (American football) with British hosts. They're the BEST. Such a pleasure to listen to. Colm Kelly of Rotoviz @OvertimeIreland is a personal favourite. Check out his show on Pandora, or wherever you get your Podcasts!!! POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!!!!!!!! DEFEND YOUR MOVES 🦏 vs PICKLE RICKS!! The Mandolorian Season 2 started last week, and we are happy to a say it's STILL the best Star Wars. The Season 2 Premier was another full-on western style episode, directed by John Farveau. The Western-ness was so unapologetic this time they even got the guy from Justified to play a sheriff in Tattooine. The coolest thing for us was how they went back to Tattooine, but there were more visual references to The Phantom Menace than to A New Hope. Check out Justified's bike up there, it's half of a pod racer!! But the thing that makes it quintessentially STAR WARS is the cyclical self-references. The opening scene of Season 1 Ep 1 featured a very scary monster, who lives under ground, that Mando dispatches with unworried ease, establishing him as a hero more who's powerful and also more mysteriously foreboding than the subterranean dwelling beast. This episode also introduces an underground monster with big teeth in the first scene. But this is Season 2!! This time we are well aware of Mando's capability, so he'll have to spend a good 40 minutes looking at Justified sexy face and speaking sign language to Sand People to impress us. FIVE STARS DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!! THE WHITE JESUS POISON vs ZOMBIE PATERNOS The ZP's have one at least one more week to wait before they get their real starting RBs back. Hunt and Sanders are both hurt still, but on bye, so they got a good shot for week 10. Even with the depleted roster, we were surprised to see ZP pickup Josh Kelley now that he's on the text chain this year. If Tobin dropped Montgomery too we're not sure we'd go pick him up. They got the official text chain curse. THE WHITE JESUS POISON WINS!!!!!!!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs SHARON ERTZ It has been rough out here for Sharon Ertz this year. They're averaging 109 per game and still have 0 wins. Incredibly, teams have scored 1,022 points against Sharon in eight games. That's 127.75 per game, if you don't have a calculator handy. This week they face The Rippers who have been treated to just 104 per game by his opponents. We don't think Calvin plays, and Zeke has been playing like shit, so this could be SE's week. SHARON EERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!! I KNOWS PANDEMICS 👾 vs PAULS AWESOME TEAM 🚨🚨🚨C-MAC ALERT🚨🚨🚨 You guys. Watch out. IKP has two all time GOATS on the squad right now. They might not lose another game this year, for real. Doug, Russell Wilson and Christian McCaffrey are all 2-time Special Ed Champions. Nobody knows better what it takes to climb that mountaintop. I KNOWS PANDEMICS 👾 WINS!!!!!!!!! OK, guys. it's 6:39 pm, still no official inacitves, and the Pres is about to make a speech. We'll see yall on the text chain!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2020 - ELECTION DAY SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This election really snuck up on us. We had no clue there was still an election this year. NOBODY’S TALKING ABOUT IT!!!!!! It’s all very confusing. After they canceled the Olympics, we just kinda assumed the election was canceled too. At DYM we base most of our political opinions on how well Team USA did in the last Summer Olympics. Team USA is averaging about 45 Gold Medals per Summer Games over the last 100 years. So, as a general rule, if we bring home 45 or more Gold Medals then we’ll vote for the incumbent President; If we get less than 45 then, obviously, it’s time for a change so we vote for the new guy. There is one contingency, which fortunately hasn't come into play yet in DYM's 20 year voting career: If the Team USA Men's Basketball team does NOT get the Gold, we'll vote for the challenger regardless of the other sports. Syndey 2000 - 37 Golds - George W. Bush In the year 2000 we were very excited to cast our first presidential ballots. We stayed up late and woke up early every day in August to catch all the Olympic Action live from Sydney. Vince Carter tea-bagged that French guy, and we thought for sure we were gonna vote for Al Gore. But Team USA would not fare as well in the individual sports: 18-year old Australian Ian Thorpe called a recount and checked all the hanging chads when he took the swimming world by storm with 3 Golds in his maiden Olympic games. Our greatest medal hopeful in 2000 was Michael Johnson, who had entered the 2000 summer with the title of "World's Fastest Man" but left Sydney with only one Gold - in the 400. (Team USA won Gold in the 4x400m but had the medal stripped when 2 members of the team tested positive for steroids.) Later that week Johnson missed his opportunity to defend his 200m world records when he pulled his hamstring in the 200m prelims. Maurice Greene won the 100m and anchored the 4x100 relay, but those would be our only other Gold medals in Men’s track that year. The first and last time we voted for a Republican. Athens 2004 - 36 Golds (Bronze in Men's Basketball) - John Kerry Can you guys believe Stephon Marbury was on an Olympic Team? Crazy. Back in the early 2000's a lot of people used to say it seemed like George W. Bush didn't even want to be President. Especially after 9/11, the guy was in way over his head. We're pretty sure that's why he tanked the Olympic Basketball tournament in 2004. Team USA had run roughshod though the 2003 FIBA Tournament of the Americas but inexplicably overhauled the roster before the Olympic Games. Larry Brown has Allen Iverson and Tim Duncan locked in as his team captains. And in case that team chemistry wasn't toxic enough they added Marbury, Carmelo and 4 other players under age 22, none of whom had made the 2004 All-Star Game. It was a total fucking embarrassment, but in the end we were more than happy not to vote for Bush again. Beijing 2008 "THE REDEEM TEAM" - 36 Golds - Barack Obama Entering 2008, the USA had won more gold medals than any other country in every Olympics of the past 20 years. A HUGE stink had been made about the USSR's success in the '88 games; Allegations of cheating, drug use, corrupt judges and other improprieties ran rampant. But as today's political aficionados know, China is WAY more ruthlessly corrupt than Russia ever was, and nobody's gonna do shit about it. So when China hosted the 2008 games, there was a general lack of surprise at the fact that they won fucking everything. China's 48 golds in 2008 were the most by any country since the USSR's 55 golds in 1988. But the STARS of the '08 games were all dressed in Red, White & Blue: The GOAT Nastia Lukin ended the former Soviet nations' reign over Women's Gymnastics by becoming just the 3rd American to ever win the Women's Individual All-Around (a feat that would become far more common in the 2010's). The GOAT Carmelo Anthony (all-time highest scoring Olympic basketball player) won his first of 3 Golds in his second games. Anthony, Lebron, and Dwyane Wade were the only returning players from the 2004 team. The GOAT Michael Phelps won the Gold in all eight of his events (including 7 World Records and 1 Olympic record). 2008 also marked the emergence of the GOAT of all Non-American Olympic GOATS - Usain Bolt. The USA would sweep the Medals the Men's 400m and 400m hurdles, but Jamaica dominated the Men's and Women's sprinting events, leaving the USA with only 3 track Golds. Bolt was incredibly popular, and much like his Chinese hosts, had for some time risen above any allegations of performance enhancing drug use. Jamaican Track was basically the McGuire/Sosa of the 2000's. EVERYBODY knew they were juicing but it was sooo fun to watch, so honestly nobody cared. FUN FACT: Barack Obama was, as it turns out, born in the USA. But 4x Gold Medalist Sanya Richard-Ross was NOT! Sanya was born in Kingston Jamaica and became a naturalized citizen of the USA in 2002. She won Golds in the 4x400m relay in '04 '08 and '12 and the individual 400m in 2012. She's also married to former Giants CB Aaron Ross. We voted for Obama. London 2012 - 46 Golds - Barack Obama Team USA was a powerhouse in 2012. Fortunately Obama was our favorite President of our adult lives, so we couldn't have been happier with the medal count results. The 2012 USA Men's Basketball team was a motley group, but gelled together seamlessly under Coach K's leadership. The squad somehow featured 6 players over age 28 and two members of the 2012 Knicks. Jamaican Men Usain Bolt and Yohan Blake dominated the prime-time track events. But USA's Allyson Felix and Sanya Richards-Ross defeated the Jamaicans in the 200m, 400m, and both relays. Brittney Reese won the Women's Long Jump for USA's 7th Track & Field Gold of 2012. Our pride and joy in 2012 was the Women's Gymnastics team, who followed up a strong, but underwhelming, 2012 summer with 4 Golds in 2016: Aly Raisman (best Jewish Athlete of the 2000's) won the Floor Exercise, Gabby Douglas won the Individual All-Around, and Team USA won the Women's Team All-Around Championships. FOUR MORE YEARS!!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!! Rio 2016 - 46 Golds - Hillary Clinton CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN!!!! Maybe not everybody thinks Obama was the greatest President, but it's hard to deny he was the best campaigning candidate of our generation. Team USA won 92 Gold medals during the Obama Administration. Only Ronald Reagan (119) and Theodore Roosevelt (101) led this country to more Golds, but the 1904 and 1984 games were both held in the US, so there's a small asterisk next to those totals. 2008 is often remembered as the breeding ground of the Miami Heat super-team that would form 3 years later. Similarly, 2016 may one day be remembered as the nadir of the Brooklyn Nets Dynasty. Kevin Durant averaged 19.4 pts per game in the 2016 Olympics, and Kyrie started all 8 games at PG and led the team in assists. 2012 individual champions Gabby Douglas and Aly Raisman returned to lead the Women's Gymnastics squad to a second straight Team All-Around Gold. And Simone Biles emerged as the worlds best gymnast with 3 individual Golds including the Individual All-Around. 2016 would be the Olympic swan song for Michael Phelps. The all-time greatest Olympic Champion brought home another 5 swimming Golds at age 31. But 19 year old Katie Ledecky became USA's next swimming superstar, as the first swimmer since 1968 to win the 200m, 400m and 800m freestyle at the same Olympics. 2016 was the shit, so like the majority of Americans, we voted for the Democrat again. Tokyo 2020 - 0 Golds - Joe Biden Now for this year's "election," the choice is pretty clear. Team USA has won ZERO (0) Gold Medals during the Trump administration. Jimmy Carter is the ONLY other President of the modern Olympic era who failed to bring home a single Gold Medal, and he paid dearly for it at the polls in November 1980. The American people DEMAND Olympic excellence, and Ronald Reagan was just the man to deliver it. 1980 was one of the biggest blow-out elections in US history. Reagan carried 44 states, and won the electoral college vote 489-49. Of course, as we all know, Reagan would go on to become the Most Decorated US Olympic President of all time with 119 Gold Medals. Always in motion is the future is. Difficult to see. But the only things we know for sure are that everybody's voting for Biden, and that Team USA is gonna OWN the 2024 Games. HAVE A GREAT ELECTION EVERYBODY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What’s up Special Ed?!?!? It's getting cold out there, folks. Just in time for - SKI MASK SZN!!! LETS GOOOOO!!!!!!!! DUMPSTER DIVER OF THE WEEK: SHARON ERTZ!!!!!!! (Sharon Ertz: 8 Moves. Total Moves this Week: 26) Sharon lost Odell last week, and responded with flurry of moves including adding SEVEN (7) starters for week 8. Incredible. This week Sharon Ertz will only start one player that they drafted this year (Josh Jacobs). Their week 8 QB was acquired in a trade, and the ENTIRE rest of the roster was picked up this week. It's a masterful feat. A truly sublime work of roster-shuffling. Most of these guys aren't even really garbage: Jason Sanders (D-VT) is the #3 fantasy kicker in the league this year AJ Green has 24 target over the last two weeks Agholor is legit now. We think he was still a free agent because most people didn't know he's not an Eagle anymore Beasley, at age 31, is still the best rapper in the NFL and La'Mical Perine is a sneaky funny name AND former Gator Great Job!!!!!!!! PICKUP OF THE WEEK: Deejay Dallas Speaking of under-rated funny names, we may be on the verge of the Deejay Dallas breakout game. There's not a whole lot of chatter out here about how exciting it would be to have a star RB with a name as convoluted as Deejay Dallas. To be honest this is another guy who we had not even heard of until about 3 weeks ago. And he still seems to not be on the radar for most of the football watching world, which made him somewhat difficult to gather information on this week. We think the reason people aren't more excited about Double D is mostly cause CeeDee Lamb was here first. We made a real big deal about CeeDee a couple months ago - and we weren't the only ones! People went crazy for CeeDee pre-season. Now this new guy comes around with the same phoneticized initials act, and folks are like "psshhh, nah. Been there, done that." It's like on Looney Tunes when Spike the dog does a trick and gets a treat, then Sylvester does the same trick and the old lady beats his head with a hammer. On paper, Deejay Dallas has everything you could want from a funny name: It’s easy to spell, and not bad looking written down; Rolls off the tongue too - Deejay Dallas is a very easy name to pronounce and it sounds great when you say it out loud. That alliteration gives the name a certain rhythm that you can bounce to a little bit; Makes you wanna hit those first syllables real hard like Martin Lawrence. But there's something about it that's just not quite as funny as CeeDee Lamb. It sorta seems more like a funny baseball name than a funny football name - at least not an RB, like, it’s a little too cute for an RB. Maybe a punter, there could see a punter named Deejay Dallas and nobody would bat an eye. We'll probably end up ranking "Deejay Dallas" pretty closely to "Jack Doyle" cause they both just sound sounds made up. It sounds like a character from a bad action movie. Could be Matthew McConaughey as a Myrtle Beach bar tender, who rides a motorcycle and he's getting a divorce... Or maybe they could replace Paul Walker in Fast & Furious 10 with a guy named Deejay Dallas, if they weren't already committed to filling that cast with only pro wrestlers. But, then again, Deejay Dallas could even be a good name for a pro wrestler too, tho. AMERICA GAME OF THE WEEK: DEFEND YOUR MOVES vs PAULS AWESOME TEAM!!!!!!!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 3-3 Don't let the Yahoo! score projections fool you. We are NOT 20 point underdogs in this matchup. NO. FUCKING. WAY. First of all, like we said up top, IT'S COLD OUT TODAY!!!!!!!! And that means it is OFFICIALLY Derrick Henry Szn. You know those clocks just fell backward, and the trees are getting bare cause DK is heavily shading the OVER on Henry o/u 99.5 rushing yards. LETS GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Obviously, our roster isn't yet complete. We're waiting til THE LAST MINUTE this week, just to make sure Chris Carson doesn't show up. We all know Carson loves to start his Sunday morning with a hot cup of HGH, so ya never really can tell how long he's gonna be injured for. One more reason Deejay Dallas is still such an unknown half-way through his rookie year, is he never played RB until 3 years ago. ITS TRUE. He was recruited out of high school as a "position-less athlete", thought to be best suited for WR or DB. But a season-ending injury to Mark Walton left the Miami Hurricanes with precious little depth at the RB position. So they converted Double D to RB, and the rest was history. He scored his first two rushing TDs against Notre Dame in week 10 of 2017, and would finish each of the next 3 seasons averaging over 5 yds per rushing attempt, on about 100 carries per year. This is all EXTREMELY on brand for us. "Positionless Athlete" is the IDEAL description for a player on DYM the Team. We have a dream, that one day ALL Fantasy Players, regardless of their age, speed or size, will be able to stand side by side as Positionless Athletes. We have a dream that our children and their children's children will not be judged by where they line up on the field, but only by their TDs and Yds per Attempt alone!!!!!!!! On the other side, Paul's got no players on bye or injured this week (although Connor and Cook are always just one play away). Which means they have tougher than usual choices to make at the Flex positions. Perfectly viable players like Chase Claypool and Amari Cooper will likely stay on the bench. Also, they're gonna hope KC doesn't blow out the jets in the first half and bench Tyreek again. DEFEND YOUR MOVED WINS!!!!!!!! THE WHITE JESUS POISON vs SHARON ERTZ The Commish had a lot of guys in the Thursday Night Under-Fest, so they're down about 10pts from their Yahoo! projection right now. They've still got some serious firepower left with Clyde, Keenan, and Aiyuk; but we're just so proud of Sharon for scrapping this lineup together, we gotta pick them. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS The Rippers are gonna be in trouble if the Cowboys can't figure out how to run the offense through Zeke effectively. This being cold weather RB season, we're going with the team that's got Melvin Gordon at home and Kamara @ Chicago. POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!!!!!!! BRING IT ON HOME vs PICKLE RICKS!!!!!!!! Come on now. Andy's really starting Lev Bell this week? He's just fucking with us now isn't he? PICKLE RICKS!! WINS!!!!!!! ZOMBO PETRINOS vs IKNOWS PANDEMICS The Paternos made a late play for Pick Up of the Week, snagging Devin Singletary this morning. Very smooth move. But we're still much more excited about the Dual Higginses on the IKP team. I KNOWS PANDEMICS WINS!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2020 WEEK 7, LATE EDITION!!!!!!!
NOSTRA CULPA, SPECIAL ED!!!!!!! We had meant to put off writing your Week 7 DYM until Saturday, mostly because we had a whole shindig planned for the Food Beef crew. We had the Commish and the whole Maulbeck fam over to the Backyard Mancave around lunchtime. We got a huge haul from China Chalet, carved up some jack-o-lanterns and watched some B1G Football action. Everything was going great until about 4:45. We promised the Maulbecks we’d write the Food Beef Review on Saturday night “no matter how drunk [we] get”, but as it turns out we had greatly underestimated our capacity for Yuengling once the Nittany Lions took us on that fucking ROLLERCOASTER of a 4th quarter. Imagine having the Penn State moneyline AND -6.5. We lost it all, won it back, and lost it all again in the span of about 20 minutes, fucking nuts. So, yea, that sucked. Plus our neighbors (also Penn State fans) were having a party too, cause we all thought there was a UFC on Saturday night. For some reason the fights were actually Saturday MORNING. By about 6:30pm all we had left was a bunch of pissed off dudes and a lot of beer, so we got hammered instead of writing. We’re on hangover day 2 right now, but we gotta power through this Food Beef and a couple other hot Special Ed News items to wrap up WEEK SEVEN. DYM WINTER FASHION SPECIAL!!!!!!! Earlier today we decided we’re gonna rock baklava ski masks this winter. Should be an especially functional look this year since it’s like a built in chin diaper mask too. We picked out a few different styles on amazon, all the while picturing ourselves rolling out the crib like this: But check out amazon’s “Products Related to [Our] Purchases”: The goggles - sure; And the flag and the chain are funny, but we get it. But the gaming chair makes us think that Amazon has a different demographic in mind here- We’ll let yall know when we get our Proud Boys Newsletter in the mail next month. 2020 HALL OF SHAME!!!!!!! Not setting your lineup is SHAMEFUL. But, if you didn’t outscore the guy who didn’t set a lineup, you officially SUCK. We don’t want to put any of you guys in the Hall of Shame. We don’t like doing it. We don’t like when somebody doesn’t set their lineup, because it makes us ALL look bad. It’s a black eye on the league - an asterisk week. But if the guy who didn’t set his lineup is NOT the lowest scoring team of the week, then whomever they outscore MUST be entered in the HALL OF SHAME!!!!!!! Last week The Polk High Panthers appeared close to entering an incomplete lineup, acquiring the requisite RBs (at DYM’s behest) less than 24 hours before Sunday kickoff. The 21 pts they got out of old ass Peterson and Gore were enough to take down Sharon Ertz. This week Sharon thought maybe they could recapture that magic with a 2pm QB swap. They were understandably excited to pickup Perine after he scored 100% of the TD's in the Jets/Bills game (1 TD). But they had to work fast to shore up the roster mid-game. They’re looking for 34 points from the Rams D to pull out a win. But the MOST SHAMEFUL player of the year thus far was this week’s PickleRicks!!. PR ignored three days of reports that Aaron Jones had been injured in practice, and just sleepwalked through Sunday without picking up any backup RB. The Ricks now need a pretty big game tonight from Darrell Henderson, and pretty small games from Tobin & The 3 Bears to send this league’s first place team to the 2020 Hall of Shame. FOOD BEEF V: CHINESE FOOD!!!!! CHINA CHALET of Florham Park!!!!!!! We’ve got a new contender here folks!!! China Chalet brought the motherfuckin HEAT this weekend. We considered Chalet to be a middle-of-the-road place like Hunan Wok. And it may well be, but this is why we post the entire Food Beef Tour schedules online. Sometimes we know these guys are expecting us and they make sure to bring their A Game that week. Like how we never expected Coppola’s to reach the Pizza Super Bowl but every time we called their number they stepped right up to the plate and knocked it out the park. We can’t point to any one item, or any one aspect of China Chalet that made this lunch so delicious. But everything was above average, and nothing was bad. And we got a HUGE selection this week: Sichuan Steamed Pork Buns - 9 Dough was just thick enough and very moist. Held up well as a cold leftover. Pao-Pao Platter - 8.5 We LOVED the chicken satay and shrimp toast, ribs were kinda dry. Hot & Sour Soup - 9.5 Nice spiciness, and we love the finely shedded "angel hair style" meats. House Fried Rice - 8.5 Pork Fried Rice - 8 Home Style Tofu with Black Mushroom - 9 Spicy AND delicious!!! General Tso’s Chicken- 8.5 Beef & Three Vegetables - 7 Scallion Pancakes - 7 Total score: 8.33 HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!
What's up, Special Ed? It’s Week 6 Saturday, and we're still mad!!!!!! The Bills got fucking hosed last week. Like BIG time hosed, talkin' about Iowa Caucus level HOSED. The League pulled out all the stops: changed the date of the game, let all the Titans players off COVID IR, the refs were in the bag and the announcers too. It was a weird thing to watch. We'd love to say “this would never happen in the NBA” - but we all know it would. To be fair, in retrospect, Gooddell and ‘em didn’t have much choice but to fix that game for the Titans. Much like our old boy Donny, the NFL abdicated all responsibility really early in the pandemic response process, which, at the time, probably seemed like wise moves for each of them. Neither Trump nor Goodell is anywhere near capable of dealing with this shit. Not that anybody really is, but these two were already STRESSED THE FUCK OUT back in like 2017. Neither of them has any interest in managing a fucking pandemic, nor a revolution in the streets. The President checked out in about early June, he jumped on twitter like “Who the fuck is the Mayor of this town?? How’d they let this happen??? SMGDH”. And he BOUNCED. State's Rights, son, peace. Goodell sees that shit, and he sees baseball not do a damn thing and still finish the season, and he gets himself an idea. He draws up some quick PROS and CONS columns and writes a lotta sad, scary things in the CONS. Then he writes “I DO NOTHING” real big in the PROS column and circles that shit with a highlighter. Then he hands that motherfuckin' paper to his secretary and tells her to schedule a press conference. Deuces. Summer of Rog, baby!!! Of course the NFL now has a league-wide COVID testing and return-to-play protocol. But they just wrote that shit last week. Back in August, every team had to write their own “Infectious Disease Emergency Response Plan” and all the stadiums and facilities were told to operate in accordance with their own State’s COVID laws. Back then, SOME PEOPLE were real quick to point out the potential for competitive disadvantages in this ad hoc setup. Smart ass motherfucker probably shoulda kept his mouth shut, cause as it turns out this is a fairly nuanced situation. Or like they say down in SEC-Country: “Freedom Ain’t Free” - cause a lotta the teams with the “home field advantages” are also now at a far higher risk of catching this second wave of the 'rona and getting their whole shit shut down entirely. Just look who’s shut down this week: Atlanta, Tennessee, Indianapolis, Jacksonville... All these fucking southern-midwest college towns never shoulda had NFL teams in the first place!! Now look at 'em. We think canceling several Titans games might, theoretically, not be that big a deal. Nobody’d really miss em. Roger would just sweep Tennessee under the rug and move on if he had too. Wouldn’t take much. Could get that Toronto expansion poppin' again. But when the Patriots sat out week 5 too, people started asking questions. Sean McVay and 'em out here telling people they wanna shut it down and bubble up for nine games of whatever. Fuck that. See, that’s the one thing about Goodell’s COVID Non-Plan™️, he’s NOT trying to be in charge of this shit at all. The Bubble would just be everybody that works for him all in one place, talking to him everyday, and making him do shit. Fucking Nightmare. Rog is not tryina hear that ANY of this bubble shit. He couldn’t let those stupid Titans miss another game, it’d fuck everything up. He had to put some lipstick on this pile of dog shit and get her ready for Tuesday Night Primetime TV. He had to put on a show. They sold 10,000 tickets to this clown rodeo, and guess who’s coming to town? That loud mouth Sean McDermott. Motherfucker had a lot to say about Rog’s Non-Plan this summer, huh? Think there’s a competitive disadvantage in MY LEAGUE? Huh? Yea, ok, watch this, motherfucker. First, he calls up ANOTHER press conference. Just to let y’all know, officially, that Roger Goodell ain't doin' SHIT this year. Nada. There will be NO punishments for COVID Protocol for anybody, but especially not the Titans. And furthermore, all previously positive-tested Titans are now returned to the active roster, just in time for tonight’s completely normal Tuesday Night Football game: “Congratulations, Tennessee. You did it. You beat coronavirus. This whole ordeal just goes to show how healthful 60 Minutes of vigorous outside play everyday can be for young people. As we speak, scientists around the world are working to develop vaccines and treatments for COVID-19. But the NFL’s PLAY60 Initiative is still the most effective known cure for Coronavirus.” - Roger Goodell After that, fixing the game for Tennessee was actually the easiest part of all. Nobody thought this game was gonna happen, so all the regular refs had already worked this week. They were back at home doing fucking Zoom Kindergarten and shit, 'cause it was Tuesday for fuck sake. Rog had to bring back some of those scab refs from the 2012 Ref Strike. Those sad-sack motherfuckers probly got booed out of their own homes after that shit. Ain't had a job in 8 years. They got Rog’s back 1000%. Just say the word. Then just to grease the skids a bit, they got CBS’s Westminster Dog Show commentators in the booth for this game. Those guys had no fucking clue what was going on, they were gonna say anything the league PR rep put in front of ‘em. Dude was like - “Ryan Tannehill is immune to COVID now, at least that’s what the doctors tell him anyway. Some of the greatest doctors in the world are a part of this Tennessee Titans training staff. Not a lot of people know that, but they're brilliant. Absolute miracle workers.” Fucking ridiculous. FOOD BEEF V - CHINESE FOOD!!!!! COTTAGE II of Morristown!!!!! Cottage II one of the standard, middle of the road Chinese spots that we've been to a million times because it's conveniently located. It's on South St. in Morristown, about two block off the green, right near Dublin Pub. We ordered this spread just now for Saturday lunch, Overall we'd say it hit the spot. All the meat dishes were excellent, but the rice, soups and fried dishes left something to be desired. Unfortunately, unlike our first two competitors, Cottage won't get left-overs factored into their scores. HUNAN STYLE BEEF - 9 - This was surprisingly good. Very hot and spicy and not too oily. Didn't need any extra sauces, just perfectly seasoned. Served over lo mein noodles. SOUPS: Wonton Soup & House Special Soup - 6 - Both of these soups had the same problem as Hunan Wok's egg drop - just way too thick for our taste. We prefer a much more viscus soup. The House Special was like a chowder broth with undercooked veggies. Not good. PUPU PLATTER - 9 - It's got Shrimp pancakes, spring rolls, ribs, curry chicken, and curry beef. The deep fried stuff was OK, but the meats on this platter were the real stars of this whole meal. We could have had a main course of just those chicken and beef sticks. The deep curry flavor is outstanding. Not overpowering with heat, but the spices cleared out our sinuses big time. We can still smell it. DANK. CRAB RANGOON - 7.5 - It was alright. We generally prefer the hamentashen shaped ones better. HOUSE FRIED RICE - 7 - Rice was also undercooked, but the meats save it from being a total disaster. COTTAGE 2 TOTAL SCORE: 7.7 AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!! AGotW Prediction Record: 2-3 Tobin & The Rippers VS. Paul’s Awesome Team The #1 and #2 teams from just two weeks ago are both badly depleted heading into week six. Tobin lost their Superstar QB, but they managed to get COVID Cam off waivers. If he plays he should be a serviceable replacement. PAT struggled mightily last week without Aaron Rodgers at the helm. This week could be even worse as their only Superstar RB nurses his groin. They'll roll the dice with either Damien Harris or Dev Singletary, both low ceiling/low floor options. Pick-up of the week Chase Claypool fills in for Lockett (bye). Claypool gets Cleveland this week, a much tougher matchup than he had in the breakout week 5. In fact, it looks like everybody on PAT (except Amari) have worse matchups this week than last. Aaron Rodgers gotta put this team on his back if they wanna break 100 this week. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!!! DEFEND YOUR MOVES 🥡 VS. Zombie Paternos The ZPs are getting healthy this week and have some tasty matchups in week six. They could keep it close against the defending Champs. Our beloved Port Magpies lost to Richmond yesterday in the AFL semi-finals. Tough game for the fellas, it was poring rain and they just could not catch the ball for about 3 quarters. Still had a shot at a go-ahead goal with 4 minutes left, though. Anyway, the funny thing about these Aussie rules playoff games is they spent the entire season in bubbles, with no fans most of the year, but the playoffs came and AFL just said "fuck it". They got home games, packed stands, no fuckin' masks. Don't give a fuck, like what. Really hope Goodell doesn't see this. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!! THE WhiteJesusPoison VS. Pickle Ricks!! If we were The Commish we wouldn't start Julio this week. Julio is one of the league's all-time great Decoy WRs. This game has Julio Decoy written all over it. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!! Bring It On Home VS. I knows pandemics 👾 Big shoutout to the Madison Mario Kart Club. Andy smoked our ass in Mario Kart Rivalry Week, so we’re even for now. The MMKC has been super fun, it’s still the best free iPhone game ever, but this week we’re getting an absolute fucking GAME CHANGER delivered to the DYM home office: 😲HO😲LY😲SHIT😲 You guys gotta get Nintendo Switches. It's gonna be a HOT winter!!!!! BRING IT ON HOME WINS!!!!!! Polk High Panthers VS. Sharon Ertz Sharon has their three best players on bye this week, which normally would be a Free Win scenario. But, we‘re 24 hours from kickoff right now and PHP has ZERO active RBs on the roster. We got a feeling PHP's non-plan for this week isn't gonna work out as well as Goodell’s. We guess they’re just counting on the NFL being cancelled entirely. That’s not a bad bet, in our opinion, but it’s pretty unsportsmanlike for a fantasy league player. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, ABBY!!!!!! SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK, EVERYBODY!!!!!!
Can you fucking believe these motherfuckers, man?? What the fuck, you guys!? This shit would NEVER happen in the NBA. Lou Williams broke the Bubble Protocols to go to a strip club in Atlanta. These fucking dorks went to work overtime at a fucking high school. At least Cam had enough self-respect to catch that shit out at a restaurant with his friends. At least he had a good time. But these Titans. What the FUCK?!? Fucking Titans go 3-0 and all of a sudden they're fucking overachievers? FUCK YOU!! What, they think they're going to the fucking Super Bowl if they get these extra practices in?? Well, guess what? NOW THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A SUPER BOWL, YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!! Man, we JUST got Sunday Ticket hooked up for the Backyard Man-Cave last week!!!! Then the week 4 cancelations bumped the Bills/Raiders game onto national TV, now this week we’re gonna get the COVID bye, then probably the whole fucking season's gonna get canceled. And even if the league's not shut down, my Henry/Jonnu fantasy teams are gonna stay fucked for at least a few more weeks. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK seriously DYM PRESENTS: FOOD BEEF V WEEK 5 - HUNAN WOK of Morristown!!!!! Hunan Wok came highly recommended by our esteemed guest judges. Both Angelo and Maulbeck declared it their "go-to" during the scheduling process. Our experience at the DYM household has been more muted. We got Hunan once or twice and were not overly impressed. It was regular to us, so we generally opt for Bean Curd house (because it's better) or even the non-competing Good Taste (because it's closer). Overall we'd say all the judges felt the Hunan selection was hit-or-miss. We all found something we liked a lot, and some things that really dissappointed. MAULBECK & MB DISH SCORES: General Tso’s Chicken- 6.5 Beef & Broccoli - 7 Scallion pancakes - 8 Fried rice - 8.5 DYM HOUSEHOLD DISH SCORES: Honey Chicken - 9 Dumplings - 7.5 Pork & Snow Peas - 8.5 Tofu - 8 Egg Drop Wonton Soup - 5.5 The Honey Chicken was the best think we had. It was basically sweet-and-sour style chicken nuggets with thicker breading and covered in honey sauce. It was pretty much everything you could ask for from a chicken nugget. The nuggs were meaty and juicy and the sauce was just sweet enough, not overpowering. Amari and Marta, the Official DYM Mother-in-Law, were both unenthused when we placed the order but, surprisingly, they both LOVED the chicken. The Pork & Snow Peas was pretty regular but they get bonus points for extra veggies. A lot of places will make this dish with ONLY pork and snow peas, nothing else. And we get that that’s what we ordered, but it’s always boring. These guys threw in some watercress, carrots, and baby corn that really livened things up. The Soup was not good. The broth was very, very thick. Like they just put the cooked eggs in a bowl of uncooked eggs. Not appealing. The dumplings were somewhat unimpressive for dinner, but much better the next day for breakfast. HUNAN WOK TOTAL SCORE: 7.6 AMERICAS GAMES OF THE WEEK!!!!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 1-2 We missed last week's Special Ed Matchups due to technical difficulties, so we're going to pick TWO AGoTWs this week. And that's just fine by us cause there's two prime time matchups this week between Special Ed League RIVALS. That's right, it's... RIVALRY MATCHUP #1: DEFEND YOUR MOVES 🥡 vs BRING IT ON HOME Somehow, BIOH and DYM are dead even statistically so far this season. We're both 3-1. DYM has scored about 3-4 points more per game, as have their opponents, not enough to swing any of either team's games. For this week, we should both have Yahoo! score predictions of about 115 by Sunday morning, but we both have moves to make before then. Mike Evans is very Questionable for tonights game against the Bucs. BIOH has 2 WRs in the flex spots, so most likely one of them moves up and Waller gets the start @KC. Not a bad situation actually. The bigger potential problem for them is having 3 players (QB and 2 RBs) in the Cardinals@NYJ game (o/u 47.5). We still have Kylo in the other league so we'll be praying the MetLife Turf Monster doesn't get a hold of him. Drake and Le'veon might be in trouble tho. Our biggest bugaboo this week is those fucking goddamn Tennessee Titans. The Titans Bills game is probably not gonna happen so we're gonna have to bench Henry and Diggs and start Viska @HOU. This would also force BIOH to go shopping for a D/ST this weekend as well. Our other RBs are still gonna get it done so we think we keep it close but, to be honest, but this doesn't feel great. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!! RIVALRY MATCHUP #2: WHITE JESUS POISON vs PAULS AWESOME TEAM Up until last year The Commish held the title of Official Rival of DYM. But this year we've re-dedicated ourselves to the success of Special Ed The Team (3-1 in the other league), and now we hate Andy's team. So it's high time that we recognize the deep-seated animosity between The Commish and Golden Richards: No one roots agains Paul as loudly as Chris, and no one laughs at Chris's failures as heartily as Paul. Always have, always will. PAT has Devin Singletary in the starting lineup but he's probly not playing because the Titans just fucking love practice so goddamn much. jesus christ. Anyway, that'll put Tyler Boyd in the flex which is pretty much a lateral move in our opinion. Aaron Rodgers gets a traditional bye in week 5, so they still need to pickup a QB. We're thinking they probably go with one of the rookies. That'd be a big drop-off from Aaron Rodgers but there's a good chance both those kids outscore Matt Ryan. The Commish's team is only missing Julio Jones, but Chark came back strong last week so they could be OK there. Their RB stable is looking very strong since the additions of Mike Davis and James Robinson. Those guys are very Legit Starters, forcing the Commish to send the much funnier named Todd Gurley to the bench. This should be another very close contest, we think if Matt Ryan shows up then The Commish can get it done. But we're not counting on that. PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS!!!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs I KNOWS PANDEMICS 👾 If Mostert really comes back this week, IKP could conceivably start both SF RBs since they're playing at home vs MIA. We definitely like the second SF RB this week better than Devonta Freeman @ Dallas. But WR2 is a big issue for IKP this week, Tee Higgins is the only option on the roster right now. They might wanna make a quick dumpster dive for Keelan Cole or David Moore. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!! PICKLE RICKS!! vs SHARON ERTZ We're seriously considering trading Lamar to Rob for Josh Allen. Probly have to get one of those rookie QBs for this week too, but fuck it. Honestly, we don't even know if Rob would accept it tho. His team should be pretty good, but they're floundering at 0-4. Maybe he wants to shake thing up. why not right? PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!! POLK HIGH PANTHERS vs ZOMBIE PATERNOS Hope the Paterno's weren't looking forward to AJ Brown coming back this week. He won't be playing this Sunday because he's such a fucking hard worker at practice. fucking piece of shit, goddamn it. Fuck. POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!
Big RIP shout out to the GOAT of all American Guitar Gods, EDDIE VAN HALEN!!!! (play video with volume UP) And a hopeful, preemptive, can’t wait to piss on your grave shout out to the WOAT of all American wannabe Joseph Goebbleses, Stephen Miller!!!! We had ourselves a hearty chuckle when we first found out about Don and Melania’s COVIDs. But we totally get Maddow and them wishing Donny a speedy recovery. You can’t demand Trump be more civil and also cheer for him being sick. But when we heard this fuckin piece of shit Miller got the cooties too, we had a goddamn CELEBRATION!!!! Fuck this guy, for real. It's never a good look to root for injuries, we try to avoid it in general. But, the Fantasy Gods have smiled upon our extreme anti-racist stance over the last few years, so we think they won’t mind some uncouth hateration on this pig face garbage person. You guys, we honestly hope Steven Miller dies from the Rona. This isn't just a political thing, like “we don't want this guy to have power anymore”, we find this man thoroughly despicable and we would be happy if he died. The sooner the better. DEFEND YOUR MOVES PRESENTS: FOOD BEEF V!!!!! CHINESE FOOD!!!! (ed. note: In adherence with DYM's COVID-19 Protocols, there will be no buffets on the 2020 Chinese Food Tour) Food Beef is BACK for the 2020 season!!!! This year we will tour the finest Chinese Food restaurants in the greater Madison NJ area. The executive management group at Defend Your Moves have enacted a concrete set of COVID-19 related protocols this year. Therefore we will not allow our staff or any guest judges to dine-in at the weekly restaurants. The competition will be takeout or delivery ONLY - all eating and scoring will take place at the DYM Home Office or one of the Remote Satellite Facilities we have provided for our acclaimed panel of judges. DYM Nation has been clamoring for quite some time for a Chinese Food review tour. Due to the increased demand, we have expanded the pool of guest judges for this season: MAULBECK and MB will be returning for their 3rd Food Beef Tour in 2020. Their opinions were invaluable in our quests for Morris County's best sandwiches and bagels. ANGELO and TAHLIA are our esteemed next door neighbors here in the Rose City. They're awesome. We party. BERNIE and SARA are the official brother and sister-in-law of DYM and avid Chinese Food eaters. They get Chinese delivery for dinner EVERY SUNDAY. It's crazy, you cannot get them to go out to dinner on a Sunday, seriously. Now that we got the Backyard Man-Cave in FULL EFFECT we might get The Doggfather to stick around for dinner after a Bills game. CYNTHIA and YOURS TRULY, the Co-Founders and Managing Editors of Food Beef, will of course be judging every week. Here's how Food Beef works: We select the 8 highest rated (Yelp and Google) Chinese Food spots within ~5 miles of the DYM Home Office. Each week, from weeks 4 through 11, we order from one restaurant and judge their food. For this year we're going to order a bunch of different things from each place, and we won't have any mandatory menu items for the regular season. (Dumplings, egg foo young, and fried rice will most likely be required orders for the Playoff Rounds, but this is still under review.) Each dish will be judged on a 1-10 scale and the dish scores will be averaged for a total restaurant score. The top 4 scorers will compete in a single-elimination playoff tournament in weeks 12-14. FOOD BEEF V SCHEDULE: Week 4: Sunny Kitchen⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Week 5: Hunan Wok ⭐️⭐️⭐️ Week 6: Cottage 2⭐️⭐️⭐️½ Week 7: China Chalet⭐️⭐️⭐️½ Week 8: Bean Curd House⭐️⭐️⭐️½ Week 9: Lins Place⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Week 10: Ming II⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Week 11: Ashia ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ LETS GOOOO!!!!! THIS WEEK: SUNNY KITCHEN of Hanover!!!! This week we've got a new comer to kick things off. We've never been to Sunny Kitchen, cause it's kinda far from us, and they don't deliver right now. Took about a half hour round trip. It's on Ridgedale Ave about two miles north of rt. 10, so as far as 15 minute drives go, this is pretty easy. We will definitely be making that trip again cause this was a TREAT! The soup and the fried rice in particular set Sunny Kitchen apart, and should earn them a playoff spot. Full disclosure: Sunny Kitchen got somewhat of an advantage because it happened to be the last thing we ate before Yom Kippur and the first thing we ate after. We literally spent the whole day thinking about that soup. The highlight dish at Sunny Kitchen is the House Special Soup. It's a Hot & Sour with EVERYTHING in it. Talkin bout BIG veggie pieces, BIG meats, and an outstanding broth. 10/10 Pupu Platter (below) was good, not great. We liked beef curry satay a lot but the egg rolls and ribs were kinda average. 7.5/10 Pork Fried Rice was surprisingly good. They add a little tumeric, which is a very nice touch. 9/10 House Special Tofu featured a very firm delicious bean curd, but an unexciting sauce. 8.5/10 SUNNY KITCHEN TOTAL SCORE: 8.75 2020 SPECIAL ED POWER RANKINGS!!!! When we first Power Ranked this league on the OG message board DYM in 2012 it was kind of a joke, and it was kind of funny. Because, you see, Power Rankings of real NFL teams is already an absurd and useless enterprise, and everything about Fantasy Football is even more absurd and less useful. That's the joke. But nowadays, you can get "Power Rankings" of this here fantasy league on actual legitimate websites. The crazy thing is not just that these exist, but that they disagree so wildly on some teams. One of these has to be very wrong. We're starting to think that maybe FantasyPros keeps putting our teams at the top of the Power Ranks so we'll keep paying for the site. Like if the site says we're doing good then we're gonna think the site is actually making us better. Like we're just gonna miss the playoffs and think it was all bad luck cause the 'Pros said we had a good team. Couldn't be us, guys. Anyway, just wanted to point out how fucking stupid this is right here at the top. Yahoo and the 'Pros don't have the balls to tell you this is all bullshit, but we're truth tellers first and foremost here at DYM. POWER RANKINGS: Every year around week 4 we line up every WR, RB, QB and TE owned in Special Ed and JUDGE THEM. Based on performance, reputation, and our own gut instinct, every player is put into one of four self-evident categories: SUPERSTAR, STARTER, CAN'T CUT, and INJURED/EXPENDABLE The DYM POWER METRICS are calculated by dividing the number of superstars on your roster by 7 and number of total starters by 7 (for the 7 starting starting positions in a Special Ed line-up) and adding the two percentages together (so that SUPERSTARS count twice) This year we added a slight twist, because we needed a way to differentiate a few players who are currently LEGIT STARTERS but appear to be on the cusp of SUPERSTARDOM. They are designated as "LEGIT STARTER+" in the lineups below and are scored as a .5 in the SUPERSTARS column and .5 in the STARTERS. We also deemed Alvin Kamara a "SUPERSTAR+" and scored him as 1.5 SUPERSTARS. The dude is just ballin out of control right now. He's averaging 3 points per game more than McCaffrey was this time last year (and McC did NOT have a slow start in '19). PAUL'S AWESOME TEAM Aaron Rodgers has returned to SUPERSTAR status and we did not see it coming. The last two years he's been the #8 and #11 QB overall; and been 10 and 12 points per game behind the #1 QB. We fully expected those numbers to continue to drop this year but they DIDN'T!! Unbeknownst to us, Aaron Rodgers is, in fact, still Aaron Rodgers. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS If not for the loss of Nick Chubb, this team would have been tied for first with PAT in the 2020 Power Rankings. It's a massive loss because this team only drafted 2 good RBs. Josh Kelley has a shot to move up a tier but he was in no way getting it done against the Bucs after Ekeler went down. Calvin Ridley is THAT GUY this year though. Even with the zero in week 4, he's still the highest scoring WR this season. That's nuts. If he had put up another 25 in week four he mighta been on that Kamara+ level. THE WHITE JESUS POISON We are at a loss with this squad. We coulda swore they were the shit, but now James Robinson (RB - JAX) is literally their highest scoring player. Swear to God we did not know who James Robinson was until 2½ weeks ago and now he's scored more fantasy points than Matt Ryan. Fuckin' 2020 man. SHARON ERTZ Injuries hit this team where it hurts. Mike Tom almost for sure woulda been a SUPERSTAR and even Ekeler had a chance if he balled out in week 4 instead of snapping his leg off. C'est la vie. This squad's only SUPERSTAR was picked up off waivers because I'm an idiot. POLK HIGH PANTHERS PHP is sitting on 3 injured guys but one could argue that this team has benefitted more than any other from the recent rash of injuries. - Melvin Gordon has been good, not great, but after washed-ass Julio jacked his hammy again PHP became the hands-down winner of the season's first trade. - Kamara was already a locked-in SUPERSTAR but Mike Tom's injury elevated him into a heretofore unknown tier of eliteness. - Plus, they gotta know that annual Amari Cooper leg injury is coming right around the corner and CeeDee is ready for it. DEFEND YOUR MOVES 🥡 We have 3 "D. Johnson"s on the squad right now and we're plotting on a trade for Diontae as we speak. I KNOWS PANDEMICS 👾 Circle Jerick is most likely a temporary STARTER but he's undeniably getting it done for the time being. DeAndre Hopkins, though, could be more getting it done, in our opinion. This is the second year in a row that he's entered week 5 below the statistical threshold for SUPERSTARDOM, but been granted the status on reputation. Last year he finished the season in the top 5 so he's earned another pass. PICKLE RICKS!! This team is pretty top heavy, they have 3 top-tier players and 9 kinda shaky guys. The RB2 spot is probably gonna be a mine-field. We thought Mark Ingram was washed 2 or 3 years ago, but even to us, he's been surprisingly unreliable this year. Theoretically either Henderson or Malcom Brown will be good most weeks, just gotta figure out which one. BRING IT ON HOME Our early season disrespect for this squad has borne out in the POWER RANKING metrics as well, as there are no SUPERSTARS on this team. As much as we want to love Kylo Murray, his 24pts per game ranks 6th among QBs and is a full 3pts behind Aaron Rodgers. Thielen's 17.9 per game puts him just outside this year's SUPERSTAR threshold, but we don't like him, and we don't like the Vikings at all this year, so he did not earn the LS+ designation. ZOMBIE PATERNOS This team is down two top-tier WRs right now, and Miles Sanders has been thoroughly disappointing. But the good news is Ben is scoring about as the same as Lamar Jackson right now. And Kareem is a borderline SUPERSTAR with unlimited upside until Chubb comes back (which might not be any time soon). He's playing with a dinged up groin, but he's a man on a mission right now. There's a very real chance Kareem gets his long awaited second NFL rushing title this year. HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!
DUMPSTER DIVER OF THE WEEK: i knows pandemics👾!!! Total Moves this week: 14 WAKE UP SPECIAL ED!!! 14 total moves over the last seven days is pathetically low after the ruthless massacre that was Week 2. Last week 12 players on Special Ed rosters were injured, and only TWO were dropped (Courtland Sutton and Sammy Watkins). The DYM Research Department says "thanks", cause having all these guys still rostered made the data a lot easier to gather for this week’s DYM. But what the fuck, guys? Get to work!!! Saquon’s not coming back, Sterling Shephard shouldn’t have been drafted, and Cam Akers and Malcolm Brown probably won’t have jobs anymore if/when they return. The other 12 moves were all legitimate drops: Jordan Howard, Ron Jones, Justin Jefferson, and Anthony Miller have all sucked BAD the last two weeks and should not be on anyone’s team. There’s still a lot of moves to be made here. The league Jeff Ertz is in now made 21 moves last week, and NONE of the injured players listed below are still rostered. This is why we’re not handing the DDoTW Award to the player with the most total moves this week (Sharon Ertz - 4). Dougy Tacos has the most injured team this week - they’ve lost 6 guys in the last two weeks - but only made 3 moves since week 1. There is something to be said for keeping a cool head in this sort of crisis scenario, because when the dust settled, they had made the two sexiest moves of Week 3. Doug spent most of Sunday sending bemoaning texts about the Giants; then calmly walked down to the waiver wire around noon Monday. The guys he found there, Devonta Freeman and Cirlcle-Jerick McKinnon, were perhaps the two most interesting, if not the most appealing, pick-ups of the week. It’s weird to us that McKinnon and Freeman are the exact same age (28½). We feel like Freeman was in Atlanta forever, and it seemed like they pretty much ran him into the ground. He could be washed, BUT he’s probably not as washed as Dion Lewis (age 30!!!) and we know the Giants will do EVERYTHING they can before they start Wayne Gallman, so there’s a very real chance Freeman takes the lead in this committee. That still might not make him a “good” fantasy player, but it removes a lot of obstacles to becoming one. We’re somewhat more optimistic about McKinnon (we dropped Saquon for McKinnon in the other other league). McKinnon entered the NFL in 2014 as THE premier all-around athlete. His 155.7 SPARQ score is still the highest in NFL history - yes, there was a time when Jerick McKinnon was stronger and quicker than Saquon. (Well, maybe we’re all probably quicker than Saquon right now but you get what we mean.) The problem with CircleJ is, like we said before, he’s the same age as Devonta Freeman. But unlike Freeman, he’s only played 4 games since 2017, so there’s an argument to be made that he’s got fresher legs than most 28 year old RBs. But to us, he’s entering the Josh Gordon Zone of guys we keep thinking should be a thing in fantasy, but just aren't. Week 2 Special Ed Injuries: Christian McCaffrey - High Ankle - i knows pandemics (6) Cam Akers - ribs - i knows pandemics Sammy Watkins (noggin) - i knows pandemics Raheem Mostert (MCL) - i knows pandemics San fran D - Bosa & Solomon - ACLs - i knows pandemics Sterling Shepard - IR - Bring it on Home (4) Davante Adams - hammy - Bring it on Home Saquon Barkley (acl) - IR - Zombie Paterno (2) Malcolm Brown - Pickle Ricks!! (2) Drew Lock (shoulder) / Courtland Sutton - IR - Tobin & the Rippers (2) DJ Chark Jr. - (chest) - The White Jesus Poison (2) Julio Jones ~ hammy ~ Q ~ The White Jesus Poison Unowned Tangentially Impactful Injuries: Justin Jackson - quad & Tyrod Taylor (lung) ~ Sharon Ertz (3) / DYM Tevin Coleman (knee) IR & Jimmy Garoppolo (high ankle) ~ i knows pandemics Previous Week 1 Injuries: Kenny Golladay - hammy - i knows pandemics Le'veon Bell - Hammy - Bring it on Home Buff D - Milano & Edmunds - Bring it on Home AJ Brown - knee - Zombie Paterno Marlon Mack - achilles - Pickle Ricks!! Christian Kirk - groin - Tobin & the Rippers Will Fuller V - (hammy?) - Sharon Ertz Jamison Crowder - Sharon Ertz Mike Tom - High Ankle - Sharon Ertz Duke Johnson - ankle - in memoriam AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!! DefendYourMoves.com🏵 VS THE White Jesus Poison AGoTW Prediction Record: 1-1 🎇🎆 It's LAVISKA SHENAULT NIGHT IN AMERICA!!! LETS GOOO!!!!!! 🎇🎆 DJ Chark is OUT and our twitter echo chamber is loosing it's collective mind right now. Not to brag, but we have Viska and Johnathan Taylor in every league this year. Last Sunday was like Christmas morning for Johnathan Taylor cause we knew a whole week in advance that the breakout game was gonna happen. But Laviska Shenault Breakout Day is a true High Holy Day, because we had no idea what date it was gonna fall on this year. TODAY, 6 Tishiri 5781, is that day. The moon and the stars have aligned to send David Johnson on the road to Pittsburgh, and hoist our guy Viska into the national spotlight. lets fucking go. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!! Tobin & The Rippers VS Bring It On Home These teams are both 2-0 but we still don’t like BIOH one bit. Kylo has now taken the mantle of Supreme Leader. But he still lives in fear that his power will not be enough when he needs it most. We hate both their RBs, they got two white WRs, and Chris Godwin is back so Evans might go back into slump mode. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!! i knows pandemics 👾 VS Sharon Ertz We still see 3 red Qs on IKP's roster and AJ Green and Devonta are the only healthy guys on the bench. We think John Brown is gonna play this week (he missed Weds. practice last week too). But we're not sure Freeman will actually be an option, so they'll have to stay on their toes late this week. The good news is Sharon Ertz probly won't be in there scooping Doug's guys, cause they've got a locked up roster with 4 injured guys on the bench. Sharon still has their 3 best RBs active this week, and that should be enough to take down the battered and broken IKP. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!! Paul’s Awesome Team VS Polk High Panthers So it looks like Matt won that trade after all. Great job!!! Kamara is gonna be the entire Saints Offense until Mike Tom gets back. That's not good for the IRL Saints, but it's GREAT for Kamara fantasy owners. Just gotta hope that slipped disc doesn't start barking soon. If Sharon drops Josh Allen to shore up his bench, and Matt picks him up, we're all gonna be in trouble. POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!! Pickle Ricks!! VS Zombie Paternos I think PR might really start Kendrick Bourne this week. Crazy. We're liking this team's draft more and more every week. If we were him, though, we'd drop Sony Michel for Darren Waller. If for no other reason than that The ZPs have a hole at flex and Hunter Renfrow on the bench. Honestly we're kinda shocked Waller is still available right now, even in this league. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!
Shana tova Special Ed!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for the delay, folks, it’s been a pretty hectic week over here at the DYM Home Office. As it turns out, holding Kindergarten classes over Zoom is a horrible idea. Absolute shitshow, you guys. We have some BIG thoughts about the future of the US public education system - especially vis-a-vis The Pandemic - and we’ll surely dig into all that at some point this fall, but for now we’ll just offer one small recommendation for any of you guys with sub-grade-school-age kids: Pick up a copy of Jean Jacques Rousseau’s Emile, read that bad boy and mentally prepare yourself to spend A LOT of time with your child. For real, this is one of our all time favorite books. Its about parenting (kinda) but we dug it back in college too. Emile has become a bit of a curiosity for philosophy professors, but now, all of a sudden, it’s EXTREMELY relevant. I’m tellin you guys, there is not a single philosopher in the western canon as well-known and as thoroughly disrespected by today’s Academy as JJ Rousseau. Today it’s more fashionable to trash Kant, but most people that hate Kant just think JJ is a joke. But you see, this is what we call a “reverse-red-flag.” We’ve been big JJ stans since we were first introduced to him by our old buddhist-beach-bum-phil professors down in Florida. We were pretty surprised to learn that the “Professional Philosophers” at Rutgers didn’t really take him seriously. Of course this was about 15 years ago now, so we wonder sometimes how these guys really feel about Philosophical Pragmatism nowadays. In our opinion, JJ was actually the most correct philosopher of the entire Modern Era. A bold assertion, to be sure, but well supported, if for no other reason than that pretty much every Rousseau Hater is a bad philosopher in their own right. We do the same thing with fantasy football research. There’s this motherfucker on FantasyPros called “Walter Cherepinsky” aka WalterFootball and we do NOT fuck with his picks. We like to look up those “Who Should I Start?” rankings matchups when we have a tough Start/Sit decision. Been doing it for several years, nbd. Nowadays it’s become more of an exercise in satiating our confirmation bias than an actually informational one. Over time we started to notice which of the ‘Pros had the same general perspective as we do, and we end up going with those guys’ picks (which are also our own picks). Especially during mock-draft season we kept seeing Walter fade Our Guys. So, now, if we’re consulting the ‘Pros, but already kinda leaning towards a certain side, and WalterFootball is on that side too, we RUN to start the other guy. To be honest, we’ve never even been to the WalterFootball website, it’s just the WORST name though. Fuck off, Walter! For week 2, in the other league, we had to choose Anthony MIller or Tyler Boyd. Funny thing is Walter’s square-ass pick ended up being sharp this week cause the entire Browns secondary was injured. But man, we almost woulda ate our fucking hat if it werern’t for that last second garbage time TD. So, it’s fine, for now. But we’re telling you guys: Anthony Miller is a LOCK for 100yds and a TD this week. That’s bad news for Andy.The Commish has the WR1 locked and Keenan vs KC is good in the flex. That just leaves one EASY matchup call: DJ Chark is on the road at Tennessee, and Anthony Miller is at home vs NYG. Slam-dunk if you ask us. OK. I know what some of yall are thinkin: “Hey, why’s DYM giving out free lineup advice? This is DEFEND Your Moves, not ADVISE Your Moves!!!” We’re sorry. But any of you who hath eyes can surely see that The Commish is the most favorite son of the Fantasy Gods this fall. They smiled upon his draft - and the faithful all declared it to be the best in the league this year. They lost week one, sure, but don’t be fooled - like we always say: It’s better to lose early than to lose late. And now, as if to further prove where Their favor truly lies, They have laid at his feet the most marvelous gift a Fantasy League can offer: A landslide of a trade, garnering him the #1 WR in all of football. For his FOURTH RB!!! IN WEEK 2!!!!! Are you kidding me?!? Folks, we dare not refuse to heed the Fantasy Gods’ decree, especially in this High Holy Day Season. Now when we first saw the trade we thought maybe Matt was a more intrepid DYM Scholar than we had previously supposed. One could have reasonably read last week’s advice to “Draft 4 RBs” and inferred that any RB one could draft in the first four rounds is inherently more valuable than any WR in the same range. We don’t think that’s the case, but we will grant that it is a not entirely unreasonable interpretation. So, the really confusing part, to us, was how he dropped Kerryon for Desean Jackson like ten minutes after. Sure, Kerryon’s beat up and a beta personality, but why would you want the oldest guy on the Eagles? Anyway, we thought about it a lot, then we decided to pick up Adrian Peterson as a performative lesson for Matt on how to properly acquire Starting RBs in week fucking two. WEEK TWO?? 2?!?! AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!! Paul’s Awesome Team VS. Pickle Ricks!! AGoTW Prediction record: 0-1 Its a 2019 Final Four Rematch in week two!! There’s an interesting quirk in this league’s 2020 schedule. For week two, every team that won week one is playing a team that lost week one. This makes it very likely that we’ll have multiple teams at 2-0 and multiple 0-2 teams. Of course its still early, but that kinda deficit is an awfully long hill to climb later in the season. You don't ever want to say theres a “must win” game this early but all 5 of this week’s Special Ed matchups are as pivotal as a week 2 game can possibly be. Last year PR started out 2-3 averaging less than 100 per game before reeling off 7 wins in the last eight weeks of 2019. That run felt miraculous, and unlikely to be repeated, but at their worst last year they were only 3 games out of first place. Any team that starts 0-2 this year will be, more or less, fucked. Good news for PR is they woulda coulda been Dumpster Diver of the Week if they hadn’t been upstaged by New Abby. Both his pickups this week could start (over Edelman and Ingram. They’ll want to keep Gallop in at home vs ATL) and their highest scoring player last week was on the bench. So this is still a highly flexible roster. We love it. But PAT’s lineup is very likeable as well. He's got our jedi padawan Nyheim Hines vs the Vikes’ sneaky bad defense and/or Singetary @MIA. Both are pretty good options to replace James Conner or just to bench TY Hilton. Amari should ball out against ATL too, but Hill and Lockett have two of the toughest matchups of the week on paper. PREDICTION: PICKLE RICKS!! WINS!! I knows pandemics 👾 VS. Polk High Panthers Free win for Doug!! I KNOWS PANDEMICS WINS!! Tobin & The Rippers VS. Zombie Paternos This one’s off to a great start already. Both these guys started Browns RBs on Thursday. In a vacuum that sounds like a bad decision, but it wasn't!! Chubb and Hunt each piled up over 100 combined yds and a TD, 2 for Chubb. FUN FACT: That Thursday nighter was the highest scoring Browns-Bengals game of the last 15 years. In week 12 of 2004 The Bengals beat The Browns 58-48 - the 2nd highest scoring NFL game ever. Kelly Holcomb put up 413 yds and 5 TDs for CLE, and the great Rudi Johnson ran for 202 yds and 2 TDs for CIN. Check it out! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!! DefendYourMoves.com🤲 VS. Sharon Ertz The Eagles are a mess, you guys. First of all, Zack Ertz is their best offensive player and they’re treating him like cold leftovers. We don’t get it, it’s not like he’s a running back. The other candidates for Eagles’ Best Non-RB, Lane Johnson and Jason Peters have each sustained multiple knee/high-ankle snappers in the past year. We suspect The Eagles have a NY Mets-esque inclination to bring guys back as soon as the player says he’s “fine.” They’re not fine. Jordan Howard was week-to-week for 2+ months last year. With that spinal case QB, you’d think they’d want to keep big guys in front of him happy and healthy, of which they are neither. There’s not very many good matchups to choose from on this roster. But after this week there are two or three guys we like on this team, so watch out for those trade offers coming soon!! We didn't really know how we were gonna feel about Cam in NE and Brady in Tampa until we saw them in action last week. We always used to like Cam, and of course The Bucs are our former home team. Turns out we hate all of them now. Hate Cam, don’t hate the Pats or Brady any less, and now we even hate the entire Bucs too. It's a shame, we didn't want it to be this way. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!! Bring It On Home VS. THE WhiteJesusPoison This should be another pretty good week for BIOH’s Kylo+Drake stack, as The Cards play The Team at home this week. But Ryan+Julio is, in our opinion, the best stack one can roster in 2020. We had Julio as our #1 WR pre-draft, and now that Mike Tom is out we’re feeling pretty confident in that pick. Congrats Commish. 2020 Special Ed Champion* THE WHITE JESUS POISON WINS!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!
What’s up Special Ed?! Y'all ready to get busy or what?!?! There’s just a few days left until we kick off the 10th* season of the World’s Greatest Fantasy League!!! Lets go!!!!! Man, ten years. A lotta people said we wouldn’t make it, but we're still goin strong - with over 60% of the original league still intact! That’s not bad!!! We’re not gonna go over the top celebrating the league’s Tin Anniversary tho, since most contemporary Special Ed Historians only recognize 7 “Official” Special Ed Seasons, and 2020 has already been deemed our third ASTERISK season. 2011 and 2018 were each played with less than 10 fantasy teams, and there’s a good chance the 2020 season could feature less than a full slate of NFL teams and/or less than 16 games. To recap: 2011: The league began with only eight teams, so that first season was retroactively asterisked when we began the 10-team era in 2012. 2018: For some still unknown reason, the [REDACTED] drafted only Eagles then didn’t set his lineup or make any pickups for several weeks. It was the greatest travesty in the history of fantasy sports, and a stain this league will bear for generations to come. Golden Richards was the 8-team champion and Defend Your Moves won the 9-team season, so there are currently 3 teams who have won 2 Official Special Ed Superbowls in the last ten years. If a full 16 game season does come to fruition this year, then Tacos!, GR, and DYM will have a chance to be named THE SPECIAL ED TEAM OF THE DECADE!!!!!!!!!! 2020 FUNNY NAMES UPDATE: Overall we're pretty happy with the incoming group of rookie names in the NFL. We got Swift, Dobbins, Ruggs - All very fun names to say. But there's one NFL newcomer who stands out as perhaps the quintessential funny name for today's NFL game: CeeDee Lamb. "Lamb" is a solidly funny last name. Everybody likes last names that are words cause they're easy to read and easy to remember. Cook, Hill, Bell, Hunt and Green are names that everybody drafts at least a round too early. And we get it: You gotta have those catchy names in your lineup. His born name, Cedarian Lamb, already would be a top 5 name in this class. And "CD Lamb" as a nickname is also very not bad because a CD is a thing and so is a lamb. Perhaps, as a 21-year-old, Cedarian isn't really aware that a CD is a thing, or maybe he's intentionally casting aspersions on the outmoded medium. But no matter what the impetus, the phoneticized "CeeDee" is aesthetically stunning. We're not really in the business of over-analyzing sublime artistic works. We're just here to appreciate and celebrate the rare occasions when mankind creates something purely beautiful. CeeDee is surely a name you've never seen before, but it's still incredibly simple, easy to sound out, and has an internal rhyme structure that's very fun to say. The capital D in the middle gives it a distinctively modern flare, and does so without any awkward spaces or punctuation, and without i's and y's. And on top of all that, he's already got one of our favorite hair cuts (the Brent Holmes style half-bleached dreadlocks) and a DYM-approved cool jersey number. This is a young man with a bright future. There might not be a lot of college football this year, and the players are understandably upset. The ones with the most to lose aren't the talented players - they can show up to the anonymized NFL combine and show out with that "WR14" shirt on. The tragedy is that the 2021 class features some outstandingly funny names that may never be spoken on national TV. That's why the funniest named kids at Nebraska filed a class-action lawsuit against the Big 10: "Listed as plaintiffs are Brant and Brig Banks, Alante Brown, Noa Pola-Gates, Jackson Hannah, Garrett Nelson, Ethan Piper and Garrett Snodgrass." Holy shit!! Noa Pola?! Jackson Hannah's Wild Kingdom?!? GARRETT SNODGRASS?!?!?! Folks, in these troubling times, now more than ever, America needs Garrett Snodgrass. Let the kids play!!! AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK THE White Jesus Poison vs Tobin & The Rippers AGOTW Prediction record 0-0 The #1 Yahoo! rated draft vs the league's actual best draft. THE COMMISH: It was very annoying for us to draft behind The Commish this year because we only hung out with like 3 people since March and he was one of em. Obviously we can't ever keep our stupid mouth shut so The Commish came in to this draft knowing our whole strategy and who all our favorite players were. We should take it as a compliment that he actually used our strategy and scooped our guys tho, so we might be on to something. The preferred strategy this year was "5 starting RBs Minimum". We say 5 because we expect depth will be more important this year than ever before. But the objective fact of the modern fantasy football game is that the starting RB is the only position that matters. And our new 2-flex roster gives us the opportunity to start 4 RBs every week. We were shocked how few teams took advantage of that fact last year, but even more surprised that The Commish was the only other team (besides ourselves) to begin the draft with 4 RBs. We got our 4 guys early too, but after that The Commish made it real hard for us to eclipse the 5 RB minimum. We don't love all of The Commish's guys, Gurley especially. But the beauty of the RB-heavy lineup is that Gurley is his #4!! We don't love him, but we'd obviously rather have his in the flex than Theilen or Amari in the WR1. He did a great job with the value WRs too. Chark and Keenan are among the very few "dependable" WRs in the game and Anthony Miller has a QB upgrade and one of the softest schedules in the league. DRAFT GRADE: 2020 Special Ed Champion* SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: THE White Jesus Poison (best team name ever) TOBIN & THE RIPPERS Zeke and Chubb was a great start to the draft, and they'll be a formidable 1-2 punch all year. But when he picked 4 WRs and then David Montgomery we were like "psshhh. nah". A lot of people think it's ok to draft Montgomery this week since his groin injury was deemed "mild" and is expected to only keep him out "2-4 weeks." None of those people have ever pulled a groin muscle. The problem with a groin muscle injury is not just that it's painful, but that it takes FOREVER to get better. He might be able to run by week 3 but that shit is gonna hurt until week 8 even if he rests til then. And what's worse is he's sure to have a labored gait in week 3, which puts him at a far greater risk for a pulled hammy or sprained ankle cause he's not bending his hips enough when he runs. SMGDH, isn't this guy a doctor? Remind us to never get sick in Philly, you guys. We do like Calvin Ridley, though. He's gonna be that guy this year. DRAFT GRADE: it's aight SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: Jabberjaw & The Neptunes SHARON ERTZ Obviously this is not an ideal team structure, because he only drafted 2 RBs in the first 6 rounds. But really we think the only bad picks were Ron Jones and Jamie Crowder. Odell is poised for a bounce-back season. He had a tough time last year, but let's just say he's a guy who definitely isn't drafting David Montgomery this year. At the moment it looks like this team has 3 good starting RBs. The Leonard Fornette transaction probably sunk Ron Jones' value completely, but Adrian Peterson getting cut should make Antonio Gibson a locked-in starter. Gibson was already our #1 most coveted sleeper RB even before Peterson got cut, so Big Kudos on that pick, could be an excellent keeper. Plus he's got the Full House, and Ka'imi Fairbairn is maybe the best kicker name in the league today. DRAFT GRADE: Talking myself into it SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: Kawhi Fairbairn BRING IT ON HOME The only exceptions to the "all RBs early" rule are, of course, Kenyan Drake and Leveon Bell. And he got BOTH of em - What the fuck, dude? And TWO white WRs? For Real?? Oh God, and Jordan Howard is on this team too. Oh man. This team is fucked, DRAFT GRADE: yuck SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: The Garbage Pail Kids I KNOWS PANDEMICS 👾 The #1 pick was a no-brainer, and Tacos didn't fuck that one up. But pretty much every pick after that was kinda suspect. Hopkins might still be the "best" WR in the NFL, but receivers changing teams are almost never good for fantasy, and Hop has yet to practice with his new team. Multi-week preseason hamstrings are still a red flag in our book. They did manage to add 5 more RBs to run with McCaffrey, but they're all "value" RBs who don't really have the starting job locked up. We're not gonna trash anybody for carrying 2 QBs this year. We do think it's worthwhile to backup every position, but it's gonna be hard to justify taking both QBs in the first 7 rounds with this many question marks at RB and flex. DRAFT GRADE: top heavy SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: Not Easy Being Green PICKLE RICKS!!!!! Our biggest priorities for the 2020 draft were (1) starting RBs and (2) bench flexibility. Although we're not sure that there are two good starting RBs on this team, there may be no more flexible roster this year than the Pickle Ricks'. At first we were kinda looking down on this draft because we didn't see of the requisite work-horse RBs. But after the Fournette, Kamara, and Peterson drama this week we're starting to love the idea of having 3 high-leverage RB handcuffs on the same team. And our favorite thing about the PR draft is that it's still not done! There's NO DEFENSE!!! He's got at least one move to make before next weekend so they are contenders for the Week 1 Dumpster Diver Award. DRAFT GRADE: We see you, doggy SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: SEAL TEAM RICK!!! TEAM MEH Did you know there are only 2 NFL player who have been selected in every Special Ed draft? Big Ben is one of them and for 9 of the last 10 years The Fourth Reich has picked Ben as their starting QB. In 2014 Abby drafted Big Ben, a mistake that directly lead to her dismissal from the league. Team Meh has always been our league's preeminent homer football fan. But this draft may be their piece de resistance. Their first three picks were all fellow PSU alumni and then they added four Steelers: Ben, Dionte, Benny Snell and the Defense. This makes us happy. We don't entirely know why. This team is good, not great, but we're very glad it exists. Great Job! Go Bombers!!! DRAFT GRADE: if it ain't broke don't fix it SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: Ben & Benny's PAULS AWESOME TEAM Even in this most unpredictable of seasons, some things never change. We have never liked a Golden Richards' draft; For the tenth year in a row, we DO NOT like this team. Aaron Rodgers is the only other player to have been picked in all ten Special Ed drafts. LeSean McCoy and Adrian Peterson were also drafted nine times coming into this season. With AD cut and Fournette joining the Bucs, it's looking like neither of those two will be fantasy viable this season, so good job fading them, everybody! This team should be OK, in theory, but we're pretty concerned about the depth. We feel like Tyreek Hill catches a hamstring in preseason or week 1 pretty much every year, and James Conner is a chemotherapy veteran who might still have a compromised immune system. That means this team is very likely to start Tyler Boyd or TY Hilton regularly which is not ideal in this ten-team 2-WR format. Apparently Matt Breida's a Dolphin now. Our guess is Peterson ends up there later this week. DRAFT GRADE: 0 for 10 SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: 2020 Dumpster Diver Champ Polk High Panthers Man, they are lucky Fournette got picked up and could still be a starter. Cause for a minute there this team looked F U C K E D. Even as it is, they really only have one good RB and one good WR. They have two QBs, but one of them is a spinal case and the other is 40, not ideal. Jarvis Landry is probably starting a lot of games here, which is never a good thing. They did get CeeDee Lamb, tho. Great name. DRAFT GRADE: 🤮 SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: The New Abby DEFEND YOUR MOVES DRAFT GRADE: we got this SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: #GODSPLAN2020 HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!
What's up Special Ed?! There's so much going on in the world right now. Football is not likely to be one of those things, so most of us on the DYM Editorial staff are feeling pretty listless. Fortunately, our guy Kyrie stopped by today and he's got a couple of very interesting off-the-court projects in the works this summer. This is a very exciting time for everybody here at the Irving household. I love playing basketball, but a lot of people don’t know that one of my true passions in life is NOT playing basketball. Now, after years of organizing behind the scenes I’m finally ready to go public and take my not-basketball game to the NEXT level. Every summer I like to go down to LBI and just kick it. There’s nothin better than that salty air, the sunshine, little BBQ, few drinks, and all my cares seem a thousand miles away. Seems like every summer I just ride around on my beach cruiser thinking “Damn. There’s gotta be a super-virus or a fuckin revolution or SOMETHIN this year, cause I am NOT tryina go back to work.” Then I usually call up KD and we talk about what kind of surgeries we can get before training camp starts. See, there’s actually a lot of us professional athletes that don’t really like sports that much. Some of us are the children of athletes who had no choice but to play sports as a kid. Then there’s other folks, like KD, who’re incredibly tall and have perfect hand-eye coordination but are just really unmotivated. They know that playing sports is a lot less work than getting a “real job”, so they sign up, but most of these guys really can’t be bothered with the day-to-day. THE TIME IS NOW This is our moment!!! Now that we got this pandemic, and these riots, it seems like everybody’s talking about not playing sports! So, whether you’re a lazy athlete or just an athlete that doesn’t really like sports, this is a GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY that we cannot let slip through our fingers. That’s why we set up this program to help voluntarily unemployed athletes maintain their lifestyles. The next step is NFL football, which will be a lot tougher to stop than baseball or hoops. We’ve been working with the NFLPA on an innovative solution – we call it a “PSL” or Player Salary License: We offer NFL Owners an opportunity to buy these “licenses” which entitle them to pay the full salary of any player who opts out of the 2020 season in exchange for the right to pay that player his full salary in 2021 as well. Might be a tough sell but we’re pretty confident. We did a lot of market research amongst inbred oil money inheritors, 90’s tech industry tycoons, and Princeton alumni. This plan tested very highly. CUM JESUS: A PARABLE Hopefully by Labor Day we’ll have all these sports cancelled and I can just move down the shore full time and work on my novel. You guys wanna hear what I got so far? It’s the shit! I’m tellin you. It’s a timeless story about the moral and intellectual imperfections that are necessary to the human condition. We initially got the idea from this line from the book of Job (14:1) “Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble.” Now, obviously Jesus was "born of a woman" just like all of us, which is why he had so much troubles in life and had to eventually die. Our story posits – “What if the immaculate conception had happened to Joseph instead?” It goes like this: Joseph - single guy in the year 0 - jerks himself off one night, busts in his belly button and falls asleep. The next morning Joseph wakes up to find the little baby Jesus curled up there on his stomach. Sure, being a single dad is tough, but the good news is that since Cum Jesus wasn’t born of a woman, so he can live forever and have no troubles. That’s good news for everybody, really. See one thing that happens over and over in the Bible is God (and later Jesus) have an OK time gathering prophets and convincing them of the Truth, but people who only hear God’s word from a human prophet are much more dubious. It happens in every book, from Genesis all the way to Revelations. In fact, in Genesis 2, if Adam had been a more convincing prophet, Eve would never have been cursed in the first place. Adam was commanded not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge before Eve was created. We never even see Adam convey the commandment to Eve explicitly. So when this snake comes along that can quote God just as well as Adam and kinda seems smarter than him, Eve was understandably confused. The point is that when God speaks to people they tend to believe, but a person telling you what God told them is, at the end of the day, just somebody telling you some shit they don’t really know anything about. That’s the funny thing about Christian conservatives - to this day a lot of people still try to use Bible quotes as a persuasive argument. Even though biblical interpretation is essentially the ONLY thing God told the first man not to do. I mean, on the one hand, I get it. If you believe the Bible is the only existing artifact of God’s word then that’s all you got. One would be inclined to become invested in that book. Nevertheless, if Adam was God’s first prophet, then the snake was the first Christian Apologist. Fast forward about two thousand years and the rest of the story takes place in a fictional version of 21st century America, except it’s like crazy futuristic, right? Everything is awesome cause Nut Jesus is still alive!! Talkin bout flying cars, everything’s on blockchain, animals can talk, all that shit. It’s your basic matriarchal, post-agrarian, communist utopia. For the last two thousand years everybody has known for a fact that God is real. Generations of people have all heard Jizz Jesus’s Good News with their own ears. Everything is perfect, because Load Jesus has shown us how to live in peace with the earth and with each other. No one fears death because we all know our place within the eternal life beyond this world. There’s no pollution, no cops, and no homework – just Spunk Jesus’s undying love. But it isn’t just a story about Cummsy Jesus, it’s a story about humanity. So even though things seem perfect, some people won’t accept it and there’d still be this anti-establishment counter-culture. This would be the year 2020 so there’d be a few billion people in the world, most of whom would have only ever see Skeet Jesus on YouTube or whatever, so some of them are naturally gonna be like “How do you KNOW he’s real?” There wouldn’t be any organized religion in this world, cause why would they need it? But then we could have “churches” but they’d be underground, like cults or militias. There’d be these fringe religious conservatives who are like “I aint listenin’ to no YouTube Splooge Jesus. The BIBLE says blah blah blah.” But really nobody reads the Bible anymore. It's pretty much out of circulation. Could even be illegal(?) The utopia’s only banned book(?) Maybe I’ll just say nothing’s really “illegal” in the utopia but religion is widely frowned upon. I don’t know. We’re still figuring some of this out. Here’s a few other items from the Official Cum Jesus (CJ) FAQ: Q: If CJ is omnipotent, and immortal, and completely untroubled, isn’t he just Dr. Manhattan? A: The whole problem with Dr. Manhattan is he’s still a dude. He’s omnipotent and immortal and he seemed untroubled by most humans’ trivial concerns, but he was constantly entangled with mortal women. To keep CJ completely above the fray of this mortal coil, we’ll have to remove his desire for traditional sexual relationships. So he definitely couldn’t be a “he,” in the way Dr. Manhattan is. CJ’d have to have been born intersex - ie born with two sets of fully functioning genitalia. As an adult he’d likely live as a “he/him lesbian” or, perhaps alternately, as a cogendered asexual. Either way we feel like labels and pronouns won’t be that big a deal in the utopia. People are people and everybody fucks whoever they want, ya know? Except CJ, of course, but it would be funny to have him be naked all the time. Q: Why wasn’t Joseph pregnant like Schwarzenegger in Junior? A: Since there’s no c-sections in the year 0, a traditional (internal) pregnancy might end up being even messier than having to carry around a sack of amniotic fluid for 9 months. Honestly, Jospeh’s pregnancy isn’t gonna be all that important to the rest of the story, so I don’t think I’ll dwell on it too long. Probably just kinda glaze over that part. Q: Is CJ a dictator? A: No, but he would certainly be accused of being one. There won’t be any “leaders” as we have them today. Moreover there wouldn’t be very many enforceable laws and very few conflicts that require third party intervention. People are only able to live this way by virtue of CJ’s teachings, and people would worship him. People would pray to CJ (and their prayers would be answered in 30 minutes of less, guaranteed) and they would seek out his guidance, but CJ would not enact or enforce any laws. Q: How do we get to a high-tech society with no pollution? A: The real key here is that the ancient kingdoms of world (especially in Africa and the Americas) would not have been overthrown or colonized. There would have been no Caesar Augustus, no Alexander the Great, no Conquistadors and no London Museum. So all that shit that alien visitors taught the Mayans and the Egyptians, all those “secrets of the pyramids”, would never have been lost to history. They would have been built upon and advanced. Generations of people would live and die without fear, thereby allowing their progeny to know with absolute certainty that what they leave behind on this planet is far more valuable than the pursuit of their own happiness. That and hemp, almost everything would be made of hemp. Q: Where do people live tho? I don't think you can make a whole house out of hemp. A: OK, that's fair. But there could be any number of different architectural techniques in the utopia, it really would depend on where you live and what’s available. Like, you could live in an underground burrow or in a hollow tree like Winnie the Pooh. Or if you’re real patient you could plant a bunch of trees in the shape of a house and just let them grow around you and your loved ones for generations to come. Lots of options. Q: Was CJ there when the Bible was written? Is the story of the Bible very different in this world? A: The OT would have already been written, which is why there’d be such a thing as “religious conservatives.” For the New Testament, he would have been there, but he wouldn’t write it himself. He would have had a diverse story group recruited from all over the world. They would write the story of CJ as a group and CJ himself would have final cut privileges like JJ Abrams. The CJ Story Group would also want to take a stab at re-writing a lot of the OT, especially the overtly sexist parts. This would be fun cause flipping the messages of the Bible would have a butterfly-effect on the whole history of western literature. We could rewrite all sorts of myths and fairy tales. Just imagine: Like if God weren’t a mystery in the Bible, then The Wizard of Oz would just call Dorothy’s house and ask her to come help the lion, the scarecrow, and the tin-man get their shit together. Or if Adam and Eve weren’t shamed for their nakedness then the Emperor’s New Clothes could actually just be about a guy who likes rocking Polo rugbies and Air Maxes. Q: What else would be different about the Matriarchy? A: A lot of things would be different! In fact, "matriarchy" isn’t really the right word for this place, at least not in the political sense. It would be egalitarian in most every way, so we’re not saying women would be “in-charge” (as opposed to men being in charge), but the culture would be decidedly “feminine” by our standards. For instance, there would not be a “justice system.” Because the idea that there is some equity for victims to reclaim through the suffering of their attackers is conceived entirely out of people's own sense of insecurity. Our purportedly natural desire to exact “justice” on others is truly only a desire to satiate our own fear and self-doubt, and moreover, satiate our most aggressive (masculine) impulses. These deep-seated fears and anxieties that dictate the better part of our culture today simply would not exist in CJ's world. At the same time, we can’t deny that emotions and impulses are human and natural, whether we coin them as masculine, feminine, or anything else. This is still a story about the human condition, so aggression, competitiveness, and even violence have to have a place in this world. So while there would be no armies and no wars, there could still be NFL football. Q: Would there be “toxic femininity”? A: No. But that’s definitely another thing the Old Testament cultist would talk about a lot. Since the cultists would be Old Testament literalists, they could just have pretty much the same ideology as today’s real-life MAGA bible-thumpers. But it’ll be funny cause they’re just discovering these concepts in the Bible that nobody else even acknowledges anymore. They could be the only people who eat meat, for example, while everyone else is literally friends with animals. They’ll hate "immigrants" and “foreigners” even though there aren’t any nations or borders. Most of all, they’ll be proudly misogynistic, even though nobody else even uses the words “male” or “female” anymore. They’ll be offended by almost everything about this world, but the things they really hate most of all are CJ’s swaying flaccid hog and his big ole d-cup titties. HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYBODY!!!!!!
As it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” Romans 3:10-12 Watch this shit right here: The fucking brand is dead, you guys. Ivanka goddamn Trump out here talkin about Joseph fucking Campbell - doing MY SCHTICK. Fuck this. We’re probly never gonna finish the Ultimate Star Wars Theory now. The page still exists, so intrepid DYM Scholars can still surf over to DefendYourMoves.com/star-wars if they're so inclined, but the banner link has been indefinitely removed. We had a bit of extra web traffic this weekend. We’re pretty sure most of it is coming from google searches for “[star wars] + [Joseph Campbell]” which is just the most depressing thing ever. And that’s saying something cause we’ve been exceedingly depressed lately. The Star Wars Theory wasn’t really ever intended to be a tome to Jospeh Campbell. Theres something much deeper to Mythopoeia than just a formula for Hollywood scripts. There's a metaphysical, or rather super-psychological, reason why myths are meaningful. To be honest we’re still not sure what exactly it is though. Although we’re not too too upset about possibly never figuring it out, cause Karl Jung never really figured it out either. So far, like Jung, we are fairly certain that whatever the “reason” is behind Mythopoeia, it likely ties into other subjective psychological phenomena and we know it has something to do with the number “3”. Thats still about all we got. LIFE GOES ON It is difficult to put aside a project we’ve spent most of our adult life thinking about. But as it turns out there’s another idea we’ve been thinking about for over twenty years that’s gaining a lot of traction in these streets: DYM Readers know we’ve always taken a radical anti-racist stance here on this site. We whole heartedly support the Black Lives Matter movement, but what’s much closer to our heart is the “Fuck the Police” movement. Now, before anybody starts thinking that bullshit about “there's some good cops”, let us be clear. What we’re saying is: Fuck the Police as a staff, a label, and as a motherfuckin crew. And if you wanna be down with the police then fuck you too. Fuck the Fraternal Order of Police. Fuck the Police Union. Fuck Cops Every other year there’s a motherfucker trying to blow up a Teacher’s Union because they’re “too powerful”. Meanwhile Police departments account for as much as 40% of their cities’ annual budgets, largely due to the work of their unions' lobbyists. On top of that, thanks to the Patriot Act, they also receive federal funds and military grade weapons (including chemical weapons banned from military use by the Geneva Convention) AND are given “permission to search a home or business without the owner's or the occupant's consent or knowledge.” Cops kill over 1,000 people a year in the USA, but on average only about 80 officers per year are charged with manslaughter or murder and only about 35% of those are ever convicted. And the goddamn Supreme Court won't even hear police brutality cases right now. In NYC, the police are pretty much the only people legally allowed to carry guns, which makes it real awkward when they overtly threaten their Mayor’s life. Here at DYM we’re about as pro-union as they come, it's hard to argue that ANY union is really "too powerful" but FUCK THIS SHIT, for real. We never thought we’d see the day where “Defund the Police” could be a legitimate and accepted policy proposal, but here we are. Color us heartened. We don’t mean to belabor the police funding issue at the expense of the message from Black Lives Matter, though. In fact, it’s important for everybody to remember that the history of Police in this country IS a history of institutionalized racism. But don’t take our word for it - let’s let the cops tell it themselves: Take this article from The National Law Enforcement Museum in Washington DC discussing early police forces in the pre-civil war South. As early as 1703 plantation owners had created a fairly organized law enforcement system, established for the sole purpose of catching and returning run-away slaves. The "Slave Patrols" operated for over 150 years across the Southern states. The article describes Slave Patrols as the forebears of modern Police, with tactics and organizational modus operandi that were directly inherited by American municipal Police departments. “Typically, slave patrol routines included enforcing curfews, checking travelers for a permission pass, catching those assembling without permission, and preventing any form of organized resistance.” After the Civil War, slave patrols were formally disbanded with many members re-organizing under the fledgling Ku Klux Klan. To this day the KKK maintains an uncomfortably close relationship with many urban police departments. Other former Slave Patrolmen had the opportunity to join some of the first modern municipal Police Departments which had begun to form in Northern cities. The colonies originally had rudimentary mechanisms of law enforcement borrowed from the British - local constables managing a group of volunteer “night watchmen” who patrolled their own neighborhoods. These groups were informal, but also largely ineffective especially as cities grew larger. Northern cities made due without organized police forces until the mid-1800s, but History will tell of the absolute necessity of municipal Police in the North as widespread crime and violence took hold of Philadelphia, Boston and New York in the 1830s and 40s. The year 1834 was called the “year of the riots” in New York City. Although that’s not to say that these new Police forces were any more noble or high-minded than their Southern counterparts. According to this Police Academy textbook “Community Policing: A Contemporary Perspective”, there were a few particular incidents that helped spur the public’s demand for organized city Police in the North: “A series of so-called Negro riots” in Philadelphia in 1842, an 1837 riot in Boston where “15,000 Irish citizens and firemen clashed”, and of course the “Native American riots” in Philadelphia which “lasted for 3 months” in 1844. Once again the primary foundational duty of Police departments has always been to criminalize and subdue immigrants and people of color. WHERE WERE WE? OH YEA, STAR WARS. This history stuff is all very important, cause this shit is really coming to a head right about now, but we’re rambling. The point we really wanted to make here is just that it’s entirely inappropriate for public figures to be discussing Mythopoeia in this particular moment. Still, we have to admit that there is something undeniably Cambellian about all this. Not just the pandemic, broadly speaking, although that’s part of it. The Coronavirus pandemic largely entered the American consciousness on February 22 when the WHO sent an international panel of experts to Wuhan, China to investigate the SARS-COV-2 outbreak. It didn’t take long after that for the majority of the US to begin to take notice. Over the next month the virus infected a still untold number of Americans and overwhelmed healthcare resources in our biggest cities. After two more months many of us settled into the malaise of social distancing. But, by this count, the “new normal” way of life in American cities ended up lasting exactly 84 days (or THREE lunar cycles), as May 26 saw another untold number of people collectively eschewing social distancing in order to confront this nation’s oldest established norm. Cambellian indeed. But we’re not gonna talk about that anymore here, cause the fucking brand is dead now. FUCK IT Joseph Campbell was a paternalistic euro-centrist. If we’re gonna be out here asking for basic social equality between the races (and even more-so between the sexes) then we have to admit that Joseph Campbell may have been as much a part of the problem as any 20th century American intellectual. We’re pretty comfortable calling Campbell "a paternalistic euro-centrist" now because he himself came to realize this late in life. His last two published works, The Mythic Image and Goddesses, take a much more humble and inquisitive look at indigenous traditions of Africa, Southeast Asia, and The Americas, especially agrarian and matriarchal societies. The mythologies of these be-colonized societies are all but forgotten to Western history, but Campbell also takes on a more thorough study of the daily lives and cultural heritage of ancient societies. He discovers that the hidden meanings in myths are often inexorably bound with specific cultural rituals and traditions. In many cultures a mythical allegory cannot be understood without the audience participating in a ceremonial rite of passage. There are universal life lessons, but they are interpreted from within a community’s particular way of life. Campbell admits he was unable to decipher these ancient riddles simply because we are too far removed from the place and time where the myths were originally told. These books don’t exactly upend the thesis of Hero With A Thousand Faces, but they do show how narrow-minded a fixation on the Hero's Journey in-and-of-itself can be. It is as if to say that the significance of these stories isn’t found at the end of the quest, and it's not found along the way either. At times the reader can sense Campbell’s regret when faced with this realization. In Hero With A Thousand Faces, Campbell seemed to have been questing for a proverbial Rosetta Stone (or perhaps a Fountain of Youth), with which he could unlock ancient stories so that they might live forever. But his final book - the unfinished Goddesses - arguably demonstrates the exact opposite: that there is truth to the cliche that says “stories are alive,” but consequently they are just as mortal as the people who tell them. SO YOU'RE SAYING STAR WARS IS DEAD? Yup, it's deader than Nancy Reagan. A long time ago we had planned to write a whole lot more about Goddesses this month. We had June marked on the calendar for a Star Wars deep-dive cause we figured it’d take a good six months to digest Episode IX and finish reading the novelization version. At one point we held out hope that there’d be some artful matriarchal themes in The Rise of Skywalker, furthering the themes from The Last Jedi. Perhaps, we foolishly thought, we’ll even see Rey complete something closer to Maureen Murdock’s “Heroine’s Journey”. But alas. We just finished the book last week and initially we were inclined to just not say anything about it at all on account of our “don’t say anything bad about Star Wars” policy. But no. Now we got MAGA motherfuckers clicking all on our links cause stupid ass Ivanka read a fucking reddit post. Fortunately we’re in the mood to burn some shit down this month so we’re gonna tell yall what we really think about the new Star Wars: It’s dogshit. The Rise of Skywalker novelization is by far the worst Star Wars book we’ve ever read. These novelizations tend to be better, storytelling-wise, than the movies. They’re generally less condensed, and often contain lots of internal monologue and revealing narrative insights that either would be difficult to capture visually or simply get edited out for expediency. The tragedy of this book is that it adheres so closely to the movie script that it only serves to make the stitching around the plot holes that much more visible. There are a few “deleted scenes” which are nice - there’s baby Ben Solo snuggling his “Uncle Chewie” and a visit to Vader’s Castle which is now home to the walking metaphor known as "The Oracle". There’s also a brief explanation of exactly how the Emperor survived after Return of the Jedi (he made clones of himself and possessed one of them like Darth Bane), and who Rey’s father is (also a clone), but even that only raises more questions about how Rey ended up on Jakku, and about pretty much all of Palpatine’s choices after Jedi. Another thing we’re still confused about is how Rey had to go to the old Death Star to find the “wayfinder” which would give her directions to the Emperor’s liar on Exogol, even though they already had Ochi’s ship and his droid, and Ochi’s only job was to fly to Exogol. Then for some reason the droid doesn’t have a map, but does have pretty much all the rest of the info they’re gonna need to attack the Emperor's fleet which wouldn't have even existed at the time Ochi died. The book makes no effort to explain things like this, it just states that they happened. The narration is totally irresponsible and unaccountable. The movie is very fast paced. Sometimes when they cut quickly between scenes we find characters all of a sudden in a new locale without any explanation of how they got there. Not a huge deal, movies are like that sometimes, you can’t show everything. But that’s the entire point of a movie novelization - the book should fill in these kinds of narrative gaps. This book simply cannot be bothered to make that kind of effort: Speaking of awful narration, what the fuck is this scene even supposed to be? Overall, the storytelling in the book remains just as nonsensical as it seems in the film, but somehow the dialogue is even worse. Like Poe Dameron doing a bad Leslie Nielsen routine after finding out his girlfriend is dead. “Yes way, Poe,” she said, becoming visibly frustrated. “A blast from fucking a Star Destroyer.” HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYBODY!!!!!