What's up, Special Ed? It’s Week 6 Saturday, and we're still mad!!!!!! The Bills got fucking hosed last week. Like BIG time hosed, talkin' about Iowa Caucus level HOSED. The League pulled out all the stops: changed the date of the game, let all the Titans players off COVID IR, the refs were in the bag and the announcers too. It was a weird thing to watch. We'd love to say “this would never happen in the NBA” - but we all know it would. To be fair, in retrospect, Gooddell and ‘em didn’t have much choice but to fix that game for the Titans. Much like our old boy Donny, the NFL abdicated all responsibility really early in the pandemic response process, which, at the time, probably seemed like wise moves for each of them. Neither Trump nor Goodell is anywhere near capable of dealing with this shit. Not that anybody really is, but these two were already STRESSED THE FUCK OUT back in like 2017. Neither of them has any interest in managing a fucking pandemic, nor a revolution in the streets. The President checked out in about early June, he jumped on twitter like “Who the fuck is the Mayor of this town?? How’d they let this happen??? SMGDH”. And he BOUNCED. State's Rights, son, peace. Goodell sees that shit, and he sees baseball not do a damn thing and still finish the season, and he gets himself an idea. He draws up some quick PROS and CONS columns and writes a lotta sad, scary things in the CONS. Then he writes “I DO NOTHING” real big in the PROS column and circles that shit with a highlighter. Then he hands that motherfuckin' paper to his secretary and tells her to schedule a press conference. Deuces. Summer of Rog, baby!!! Of course the NFL now has a league-wide COVID testing and return-to-play protocol. But they just wrote that shit last week. Back in August, every team had to write their own “Infectious Disease Emergency Response Plan” and all the stadiums and facilities were told to operate in accordance with their own State’s COVID laws. Back then, SOME PEOPLE were real quick to point out the potential for competitive disadvantages in this ad hoc setup. Smart ass motherfucker probably shoulda kept his mouth shut, cause as it turns out this is a fairly nuanced situation. Or like they say down in SEC-Country: “Freedom Ain’t Free” - cause a lotta the teams with the “home field advantages” are also now at a far higher risk of catching this second wave of the 'rona and getting their whole shit shut down entirely. Just look who’s shut down this week: Atlanta, Tennessee, Indianapolis, Jacksonville... All these fucking southern-midwest college towns never shoulda had NFL teams in the first place!! Now look at 'em. We think canceling several Titans games might, theoretically, not be that big a deal. Nobody’d really miss em. Roger would just sweep Tennessee under the rug and move on if he had too. Wouldn’t take much. Could get that Toronto expansion poppin' again. But when the Patriots sat out week 5 too, people started asking questions. Sean McVay and 'em out here telling people they wanna shut it down and bubble up for nine games of whatever. Fuck that. See, that’s the one thing about Goodell’s COVID Non-Plan™️, he’s NOT trying to be in charge of this shit at all. The Bubble would just be everybody that works for him all in one place, talking to him everyday, and making him do shit. Fucking Nightmare. Rog is not tryina hear that ANY of this bubble shit. He couldn’t let those stupid Titans miss another game, it’d fuck everything up. He had to put some lipstick on this pile of dog shit and get her ready for Tuesday Night Primetime TV. He had to put on a show. They sold 10,000 tickets to this clown rodeo, and guess who’s coming to town? That loud mouth Sean McDermott. Motherfucker had a lot to say about Rog’s Non-Plan this summer, huh? Think there’s a competitive disadvantage in MY LEAGUE? Huh? Yea, ok, watch this, motherfucker. First, he calls up ANOTHER press conference. Just to let y’all know, officially, that Roger Goodell ain't doin' SHIT this year. Nada. There will be NO punishments for COVID Protocol for anybody, but especially not the Titans. And furthermore, all previously positive-tested Titans are now returned to the active roster, just in time for tonight’s completely normal Tuesday Night Football game: “Congratulations, Tennessee. You did it. You beat coronavirus. This whole ordeal just goes to show how healthful 60 Minutes of vigorous outside play everyday can be for young people. As we speak, scientists around the world are working to develop vaccines and treatments for COVID-19. But the NFL’s PLAY60 Initiative is still the most effective known cure for Coronavirus.” - Roger Goodell After that, fixing the game for Tennessee was actually the easiest part of all. Nobody thought this game was gonna happen, so all the regular refs had already worked this week. They were back at home doing fucking Zoom Kindergarten and shit, 'cause it was Tuesday for fuck sake. Rog had to bring back some of those scab refs from the 2012 Ref Strike. Those sad-sack motherfuckers probly got booed out of their own homes after that shit. Ain't had a job in 8 years. They got Rog’s back 1000%. Just say the word. Then just to grease the skids a bit, they got CBS’s Westminster Dog Show commentators in the booth for this game. Those guys had no fucking clue what was going on, they were gonna say anything the league PR rep put in front of ‘em. Dude was like - “Ryan Tannehill is immune to COVID now, at least that’s what the doctors tell him anyway. Some of the greatest doctors in the world are a part of this Tennessee Titans training staff. Not a lot of people know that, but they're brilliant. Absolute miracle workers.” Fucking ridiculous. FOOD BEEF V - CHINESE FOOD!!!!! COTTAGE II of Morristown!!!!! Cottage II one of the standard, middle of the road Chinese spots that we've been to a million times because it's conveniently located. It's on South St. in Morristown, about two block off the green, right near Dublin Pub. We ordered this spread just now for Saturday lunch, Overall we'd say it hit the spot. All the meat dishes were excellent, but the rice, soups and fried dishes left something to be desired. Unfortunately, unlike our first two competitors, Cottage won't get left-overs factored into their scores. HUNAN STYLE BEEF - 9 - This was surprisingly good. Very hot and spicy and not too oily. Didn't need any extra sauces, just perfectly seasoned. Served over lo mein noodles. SOUPS: Wonton Soup & House Special Soup - 6 - Both of these soups had the same problem as Hunan Wok's egg drop - just way too thick for our taste. We prefer a much more viscus soup. The House Special was like a chowder broth with undercooked veggies. Not good. PUPU PLATTER - 9 - It's got Shrimp pancakes, spring rolls, ribs, curry chicken, and curry beef. The deep fried stuff was OK, but the meats on this platter were the real stars of this whole meal. We could have had a main course of just those chicken and beef sticks. The deep curry flavor is outstanding. Not overpowering with heat, but the spices cleared out our sinuses big time. We can still smell it. DANK. CRAB RANGOON - 7.5 - It was alright. We generally prefer the hamentashen shaped ones better. HOUSE FRIED RICE - 7 - Rice was also undercooked, but the meats save it from being a total disaster. COTTAGE 2 TOTAL SCORE: 7.7 AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!! AGotW Prediction Record: 2-3 Tobin & The Rippers VS. Paul’s Awesome Team The #1 and #2 teams from just two weeks ago are both badly depleted heading into week six. Tobin lost their Superstar QB, but they managed to get COVID Cam off waivers. If he plays he should be a serviceable replacement. PAT struggled mightily last week without Aaron Rodgers at the helm. This week could be even worse as their only Superstar RB nurses his groin. They'll roll the dice with either Damien Harris or Dev Singletary, both low ceiling/low floor options. Pick-up of the week Chase Claypool fills in for Lockett (bye). Claypool gets Cleveland this week, a much tougher matchup than he had in the breakout week 5. In fact, it looks like everybody on PAT (except Amari) have worse matchups this week than last. Aaron Rodgers gotta put this team on his back if they wanna break 100 this week. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!!! DEFEND YOUR MOVES 🥡 VS. Zombie Paternos The ZPs are getting healthy this week and have some tasty matchups in week six. They could keep it close against the defending Champs. Our beloved Port Magpies lost to Richmond yesterday in the AFL semi-finals. Tough game for the fellas, it was poring rain and they just could not catch the ball for about 3 quarters. Still had a shot at a go-ahead goal with 4 minutes left, though. Anyway, the funny thing about these Aussie rules playoff games is they spent the entire season in bubbles, with no fans most of the year, but the playoffs came and AFL just said "fuck it". They got home games, packed stands, no fuckin' masks. Don't give a fuck, like what. Really hope Goodell doesn't see this. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!! THE WhiteJesusPoison VS. Pickle Ricks!! If we were The Commish we wouldn't start Julio this week. Julio is one of the league's all-time great Decoy WRs. This game has Julio Decoy written all over it. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!! Bring It On Home VS. I knows pandemics 👾 Big shoutout to the Madison Mario Kart Club. Andy smoked our ass in Mario Kart Rivalry Week, so we’re even for now. The MMKC has been super fun, it’s still the best free iPhone game ever, but this week we’re getting an absolute fucking GAME CHANGER delivered to the DYM home office: 😲HO😲LY😲SHIT😲 You guys gotta get Nintendo Switches. It's gonna be a HOT winter!!!!! BRING IT ON HOME WINS!!!!!! Polk High Panthers VS. Sharon Ertz Sharon has their three best players on bye this week, which normally would be a Free Win scenario. But, we‘re 24 hours from kickoff right now and PHP has ZERO active RBs on the roster. We got a feeling PHP's non-plan for this week isn't gonna work out as well as Goodell’s. We guess they’re just counting on the NFL being cancelled entirely. That’s not a bad bet, in our opinion, but it’s pretty unsportsmanlike for a fantasy league player. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, ABBY!!!!!! SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK, EVERYBODY!!!!!!
Can you fucking believe these motherfuckers, man?? What the fuck, you guys!? This shit would NEVER happen in the NBA. Lou Williams broke the Bubble Protocols to go to a strip club in Atlanta. These fucking dorks went to work overtime at a fucking high school. At least Cam had enough self-respect to catch that shit out at a restaurant with his friends. At least he had a good time. But these Titans. What the FUCK?!? Fucking Titans go 3-0 and all of a sudden they're fucking overachievers? FUCK YOU!! What, they think they're going to the fucking Super Bowl if they get these extra practices in?? Well, guess what? NOW THERE'S NOT GONNA BE A SUPER BOWL, YOU STUPID FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!! Man, we JUST got Sunday Ticket hooked up for the Backyard Man-Cave last week!!!! Then the week 4 cancelations bumped the Bills/Raiders game onto national TV, now this week we’re gonna get the COVID bye, then probably the whole fucking season's gonna get canceled. And even if the league's not shut down, my Henry/Jonnu fantasy teams are gonna stay fucked for at least a few more weeks. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK seriously DYM PRESENTS: FOOD BEEF V WEEK 5 - HUNAN WOK of Morristown!!!!! Hunan Wok came highly recommended by our esteemed guest judges. Both Angelo and Maulbeck declared it their "go-to" during the scheduling process. Our experience at the DYM household has been more muted. We got Hunan once or twice and were not overly impressed. It was regular to us, so we generally opt for Bean Curd house (because it's better) or even the non-competing Good Taste (because it's closer). Overall we'd say all the judges felt the Hunan selection was hit-or-miss. We all found something we liked a lot, and some things that really dissappointed. MAULBECK & MB DISH SCORES: General Tso’s Chicken- 6.5 Beef & Broccoli - 7 Scallion pancakes - 8 Fried rice - 8.5 DYM HOUSEHOLD DISH SCORES: Honey Chicken - 9 Dumplings - 7.5 Pork & Snow Peas - 8.5 Tofu - 8 Egg Drop Wonton Soup - 5.5 The Honey Chicken was the best think we had. It was basically sweet-and-sour style chicken nuggets with thicker breading and covered in honey sauce. It was pretty much everything you could ask for from a chicken nugget. The nuggs were meaty and juicy and the sauce was just sweet enough, not overpowering. Amari and Marta, the Official DYM Mother-in-Law, were both unenthused when we placed the order but, surprisingly, they both LOVED the chicken. The Pork & Snow Peas was pretty regular but they get bonus points for extra veggies. A lot of places will make this dish with ONLY pork and snow peas, nothing else. And we get that that’s what we ordered, but it’s always boring. These guys threw in some watercress, carrots, and baby corn that really livened things up. The Soup was not good. The broth was very, very thick. Like they just put the cooked eggs in a bowl of uncooked eggs. Not appealing. The dumplings were somewhat unimpressive for dinner, but much better the next day for breakfast. HUNAN WOK TOTAL SCORE: 7.6 AMERICAS GAMES OF THE WEEK!!!!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 1-2 We missed last week's Special Ed Matchups due to technical difficulties, so we're going to pick TWO AGoTWs this week. And that's just fine by us cause there's two prime time matchups this week between Special Ed League RIVALS. That's right, it's... RIVALRY MATCHUP #1: DEFEND YOUR MOVES 🥡 vs BRING IT ON HOME Somehow, BIOH and DYM are dead even statistically so far this season. We're both 3-1. DYM has scored about 3-4 points more per game, as have their opponents, not enough to swing any of either team's games. For this week, we should both have Yahoo! score predictions of about 115 by Sunday morning, but we both have moves to make before then. Mike Evans is very Questionable for tonights game against the Bucs. BIOH has 2 WRs in the flex spots, so most likely one of them moves up and Waller gets the start @KC. Not a bad situation actually. The bigger potential problem for them is having 3 players (QB and 2 RBs) in the Cardinals@NYJ game (o/u 47.5). We still have Kylo in the other league so we'll be praying the MetLife Turf Monster doesn't get a hold of him. Drake and Le'veon might be in trouble tho. Our biggest bugaboo this week is those fucking goddamn Tennessee Titans. The Titans Bills game is probably not gonna happen so we're gonna have to bench Henry and Diggs and start Viska @HOU. This would also force BIOH to go shopping for a D/ST this weekend as well. Our other RBs are still gonna get it done so we think we keep it close but, to be honest, but this doesn't feel great. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!! RIVALRY MATCHUP #2: WHITE JESUS POISON vs PAULS AWESOME TEAM Up until last year The Commish held the title of Official Rival of DYM. But this year we've re-dedicated ourselves to the success of Special Ed The Team (3-1 in the other league), and now we hate Andy's team. So it's high time that we recognize the deep-seated animosity between The Commish and Golden Richards: No one roots agains Paul as loudly as Chris, and no one laughs at Chris's failures as heartily as Paul. Always have, always will. PAT has Devin Singletary in the starting lineup but he's probly not playing because the Titans just fucking love practice so goddamn much. jesus christ. Anyway, that'll put Tyler Boyd in the flex which is pretty much a lateral move in our opinion. Aaron Rodgers gets a traditional bye in week 5, so they still need to pickup a QB. We're thinking they probably go with one of the rookies. That'd be a big drop-off from Aaron Rodgers but there's a good chance both those kids outscore Matt Ryan. The Commish's team is only missing Julio Jones, but Chark came back strong last week so they could be OK there. Their RB stable is looking very strong since the additions of Mike Davis and James Robinson. Those guys are very Legit Starters, forcing the Commish to send the much funnier named Todd Gurley to the bench. This should be another very close contest, we think if Matt Ryan shows up then The Commish can get it done. But we're not counting on that. PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS!!!!! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs I KNOWS PANDEMICS 👾 If Mostert really comes back this week, IKP could conceivably start both SF RBs since they're playing at home vs MIA. We definitely like the second SF RB this week better than Devonta Freeman @ Dallas. But WR2 is a big issue for IKP this week, Tee Higgins is the only option on the roster right now. They might wanna make a quick dumpster dive for Keelan Cole or David Moore. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!! PICKLE RICKS!! vs SHARON ERTZ We're seriously considering trading Lamar to Rob for Josh Allen. Probly have to get one of those rookie QBs for this week too, but fuck it. Honestly, we don't even know if Rob would accept it tho. His team should be pretty good, but they're floundering at 0-4. Maybe he wants to shake thing up. why not right? PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!! POLK HIGH PANTHERS vs ZOMBIE PATERNOS Hope the Paterno's weren't looking forward to AJ Brown coming back this week. He won't be playing this Sunday because he's such a fucking hard worker at practice. fucking piece of shit, goddamn it. Fuck. POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!
Big RIP shout out to the GOAT of all American Guitar Gods, EDDIE VAN HALEN!!!! (play video with volume UP) And a hopeful, preemptive, can’t wait to piss on your grave shout out to the WOAT of all American wannabe Joseph Goebbleses, Stephen Miller!!!! We had ourselves a hearty chuckle when we first found out about Don and Melania’s COVIDs. But we totally get Maddow and them wishing Donny a speedy recovery. You can’t demand Trump be more civil and also cheer for him being sick. But when we heard this fuckin piece of shit Miller got the cooties too, we had a goddamn CELEBRATION!!!! Fuck this guy, for real. It's never a good look to root for injuries, we try to avoid it in general. But, the Fantasy Gods have smiled upon our extreme anti-racist stance over the last few years, so we think they won’t mind some uncouth hateration on this pig face garbage person. You guys, we honestly hope Steven Miller dies from the Rona. This isn't just a political thing, like “we don't want this guy to have power anymore”, we find this man thoroughly despicable and we would be happy if he died. The sooner the better. DEFEND YOUR MOVES PRESENTS: FOOD BEEF V!!!!! CHINESE FOOD!!!! (ed. note: In adherence with DYM's COVID-19 Protocols, there will be no buffets on the 2020 Chinese Food Tour) Food Beef is BACK for the 2020 season!!!! This year we will tour the finest Chinese Food restaurants in the greater Madison NJ area. The executive management group at Defend Your Moves have enacted a concrete set of COVID-19 related protocols this year. Therefore we will not allow our staff or any guest judges to dine-in at the weekly restaurants. The competition will be takeout or delivery ONLY - all eating and scoring will take place at the DYM Home Office or one of the Remote Satellite Facilities we have provided for our acclaimed panel of judges. DYM Nation has been clamoring for quite some time for a Chinese Food review tour. Due to the increased demand, we have expanded the pool of guest judges for this season: MAULBECK and MB will be returning for their 3rd Food Beef Tour in 2020. Their opinions were invaluable in our quests for Morris County's best sandwiches and bagels. ANGELO and TAHLIA are our esteemed next door neighbors here in the Rose City. They're awesome. We party. BERNIE and SARA are the official brother and sister-in-law of DYM and avid Chinese Food eaters. They get Chinese delivery for dinner EVERY SUNDAY. It's crazy, you cannot get them to go out to dinner on a Sunday, seriously. Now that we got the Backyard Man-Cave in FULL EFFECT we might get The Doggfather to stick around for dinner after a Bills game. CYNTHIA and YOURS TRULY, the Co-Founders and Managing Editors of Food Beef, will of course be judging every week. Here's how Food Beef works: We select the 8 highest rated (Yelp and Google) Chinese Food spots within ~5 miles of the DYM Home Office. Each week, from weeks 4 through 11, we order from one restaurant and judge their food. For this year we're going to order a bunch of different things from each place, and we won't have any mandatory menu items for the regular season. (Dumplings, egg foo young, and fried rice will most likely be required orders for the Playoff Rounds, but this is still under review.) Each dish will be judged on a 1-10 scale and the dish scores will be averaged for a total restaurant score. The top 4 scorers will compete in a single-elimination playoff tournament in weeks 12-14. FOOD BEEF V SCHEDULE: Week 4: Sunny Kitchen⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Week 5: Hunan Wok ⭐️⭐️⭐️ Week 6: Cottage 2⭐️⭐️⭐️½ Week 7: China Chalet⭐️⭐️⭐️½ Week 8: Bean Curd House⭐️⭐️⭐️½ Week 9: Lins Place⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Week 10: Ming II⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Week 11: Ashia ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ LETS GOOOO!!!!! THIS WEEK: SUNNY KITCHEN of Hanover!!!! This week we've got a new comer to kick things off. We've never been to Sunny Kitchen, cause it's kinda far from us, and they don't deliver right now. Took about a half hour round trip. It's on Ridgedale Ave about two miles north of rt. 10, so as far as 15 minute drives go, this is pretty easy. We will definitely be making that trip again cause this was a TREAT! The soup and the fried rice in particular set Sunny Kitchen apart, and should earn them a playoff spot. Full disclosure: Sunny Kitchen got somewhat of an advantage because it happened to be the last thing we ate before Yom Kippur and the first thing we ate after. We literally spent the whole day thinking about that soup. The highlight dish at Sunny Kitchen is the House Special Soup. It's a Hot & Sour with EVERYTHING in it. Talkin bout BIG veggie pieces, BIG meats, and an outstanding broth. 10/10 Pupu Platter (below) was good, not great. We liked beef curry satay a lot but the egg rolls and ribs were kinda average. 7.5/10 Pork Fried Rice was surprisingly good. They add a little tumeric, which is a very nice touch. 9/10 House Special Tofu featured a very firm delicious bean curd, but an unexciting sauce. 8.5/10 SUNNY KITCHEN TOTAL SCORE: 8.75 2020 SPECIAL ED POWER RANKINGS!!!! When we first Power Ranked this league on the OG message board DYM in 2012 it was kind of a joke, and it was kind of funny. Because, you see, Power Rankings of real NFL teams is already an absurd and useless enterprise, and everything about Fantasy Football is even more absurd and less useful. That's the joke. But nowadays, you can get "Power Rankings" of this here fantasy league on actual legitimate websites. The crazy thing is not just that these exist, but that they disagree so wildly on some teams. One of these has to be very wrong. We're starting to think that maybe FantasyPros keeps putting our teams at the top of the Power Ranks so we'll keep paying for the site. Like if the site says we're doing good then we're gonna think the site is actually making us better. Like we're just gonna miss the playoffs and think it was all bad luck cause the 'Pros said we had a good team. Couldn't be us, guys. Anyway, just wanted to point out how fucking stupid this is right here at the top. Yahoo and the 'Pros don't have the balls to tell you this is all bullshit, but we're truth tellers first and foremost here at DYM. POWER RANKINGS: Every year around week 4 we line up every WR, RB, QB and TE owned in Special Ed and JUDGE THEM. Based on performance, reputation, and our own gut instinct, every player is put into one of four self-evident categories: SUPERSTAR, STARTER, CAN'T CUT, and INJURED/EXPENDABLE The DYM POWER METRICS are calculated by dividing the number of superstars on your roster by 7 and number of total starters by 7 (for the 7 starting starting positions in a Special Ed line-up) and adding the two percentages together (so that SUPERSTARS count twice) This year we added a slight twist, because we needed a way to differentiate a few players who are currently LEGIT STARTERS but appear to be on the cusp of SUPERSTARDOM. They are designated as "LEGIT STARTER+" in the lineups below and are scored as a .5 in the SUPERSTARS column and .5 in the STARTERS. We also deemed Alvin Kamara a "SUPERSTAR+" and scored him as 1.5 SUPERSTARS. The dude is just ballin out of control right now. He's averaging 3 points per game more than McCaffrey was this time last year (and McC did NOT have a slow start in '19). PAUL'S AWESOME TEAM Aaron Rodgers has returned to SUPERSTAR status and we did not see it coming. The last two years he's been the #8 and #11 QB overall; and been 10 and 12 points per game behind the #1 QB. We fully expected those numbers to continue to drop this year but they DIDN'T!! Unbeknownst to us, Aaron Rodgers is, in fact, still Aaron Rodgers. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS If not for the loss of Nick Chubb, this team would have been tied for first with PAT in the 2020 Power Rankings. It's a massive loss because this team only drafted 2 good RBs. Josh Kelley has a shot to move up a tier but he was in no way getting it done against the Bucs after Ekeler went down. Calvin Ridley is THAT GUY this year though. Even with the zero in week 4, he's still the highest scoring WR this season. That's nuts. If he had put up another 25 in week four he mighta been on that Kamara+ level. THE WHITE JESUS POISON We are at a loss with this squad. We coulda swore they were the shit, but now James Robinson (RB - JAX) is literally their highest scoring player. Swear to God we did not know who James Robinson was until 2½ weeks ago and now he's scored more fantasy points than Matt Ryan. Fuckin' 2020 man. SHARON ERTZ Injuries hit this team where it hurts. Mike Tom almost for sure woulda been a SUPERSTAR and even Ekeler had a chance if he balled out in week 4 instead of snapping his leg off. C'est la vie. This squad's only SUPERSTAR was picked up off waivers because I'm an idiot. POLK HIGH PANTHERS PHP is sitting on 3 injured guys but one could argue that this team has benefitted more than any other from the recent rash of injuries. - Melvin Gordon has been good, not great, but after washed-ass Julio jacked his hammy again PHP became the hands-down winner of the season's first trade. - Kamara was already a locked-in SUPERSTAR but Mike Tom's injury elevated him into a heretofore unknown tier of eliteness. - Plus, they gotta know that annual Amari Cooper leg injury is coming right around the corner and CeeDee is ready for it. DEFEND YOUR MOVES 🥡 We have 3 "D. Johnson"s on the squad right now and we're plotting on a trade for Diontae as we speak. I KNOWS PANDEMICS 👾 Circle Jerick is most likely a temporary STARTER but he's undeniably getting it done for the time being. DeAndre Hopkins, though, could be more getting it done, in our opinion. This is the second year in a row that he's entered week 5 below the statistical threshold for SUPERSTARDOM, but been granted the status on reputation. Last year he finished the season in the top 5 so he's earned another pass. PICKLE RICKS!! This team is pretty top heavy, they have 3 top-tier players and 9 kinda shaky guys. The RB2 spot is probably gonna be a mine-field. We thought Mark Ingram was washed 2 or 3 years ago, but even to us, he's been surprisingly unreliable this year. Theoretically either Henderson or Malcom Brown will be good most weeks, just gotta figure out which one. BRING IT ON HOME Our early season disrespect for this squad has borne out in the POWER RANKING metrics as well, as there are no SUPERSTARS on this team. As much as we want to love Kylo Murray, his 24pts per game ranks 6th among QBs and is a full 3pts behind Aaron Rodgers. Thielen's 17.9 per game puts him just outside this year's SUPERSTAR threshold, but we don't like him, and we don't like the Vikings at all this year, so he did not earn the LS+ designation. ZOMBIE PATERNOS This team is down two top-tier WRs right now, and Miles Sanders has been thoroughly disappointing. But the good news is Ben is scoring about as the same as Lamar Jackson right now. And Kareem is a borderline SUPERSTAR with unlimited upside until Chubb comes back (which might not be any time soon). He's playing with a dinged up groin, but he's a man on a mission right now. There's a very real chance Kareem gets his long awaited second NFL rushing title this year. HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!
DUMPSTER DIVER OF THE WEEK: i knows pandemics👾!!! Total Moves this week: 14 WAKE UP SPECIAL ED!!! 14 total moves over the last seven days is pathetically low after the ruthless massacre that was Week 2. Last week 12 players on Special Ed rosters were injured, and only TWO were dropped (Courtland Sutton and Sammy Watkins). The DYM Research Department says "thanks", cause having all these guys still rostered made the data a lot easier to gather for this week’s DYM. But what the fuck, guys? Get to work!!! Saquon’s not coming back, Sterling Shephard shouldn’t have been drafted, and Cam Akers and Malcolm Brown probably won’t have jobs anymore if/when they return. The other 12 moves were all legitimate drops: Jordan Howard, Ron Jones, Justin Jefferson, and Anthony Miller have all sucked BAD the last two weeks and should not be on anyone’s team. There’s still a lot of moves to be made here. The league Jeff Ertz is in now made 21 moves last week, and NONE of the injured players listed below are still rostered. This is why we’re not handing the DDoTW Award to the player with the most total moves this week (Sharon Ertz - 4). Dougy Tacos has the most injured team this week - they’ve lost 6 guys in the last two weeks - but only made 3 moves since week 1. There is something to be said for keeping a cool head in this sort of crisis scenario, because when the dust settled, they had made the two sexiest moves of Week 3. Doug spent most of Sunday sending bemoaning texts about the Giants; then calmly walked down to the waiver wire around noon Monday. The guys he found there, Devonta Freeman and Cirlcle-Jerick McKinnon, were perhaps the two most interesting, if not the most appealing, pick-ups of the week. It’s weird to us that McKinnon and Freeman are the exact same age (28½). We feel like Freeman was in Atlanta forever, and it seemed like they pretty much ran him into the ground. He could be washed, BUT he’s probably not as washed as Dion Lewis (age 30!!!) and we know the Giants will do EVERYTHING they can before they start Wayne Gallman, so there’s a very real chance Freeman takes the lead in this committee. That still might not make him a “good” fantasy player, but it removes a lot of obstacles to becoming one. We’re somewhat more optimistic about McKinnon (we dropped Saquon for McKinnon in the other other league). McKinnon entered the NFL in 2014 as THE premier all-around athlete. His 155.7 SPARQ score is still the highest in NFL history - yes, there was a time when Jerick McKinnon was stronger and quicker than Saquon. (Well, maybe we’re all probably quicker than Saquon right now but you get what we mean.) The problem with CircleJ is, like we said before, he’s the same age as Devonta Freeman. But unlike Freeman, he’s only played 4 games since 2017, so there’s an argument to be made that he’s got fresher legs than most 28 year old RBs. But to us, he’s entering the Josh Gordon Zone of guys we keep thinking should be a thing in fantasy, but just aren't. Week 2 Special Ed Injuries: Christian McCaffrey - High Ankle - i knows pandemics (6) Cam Akers - ribs - i knows pandemics Sammy Watkins (noggin) - i knows pandemics Raheem Mostert (MCL) - i knows pandemics San fran D - Bosa & Solomon - ACLs - i knows pandemics Sterling Shepard - IR - Bring it on Home (4) Davante Adams - hammy - Bring it on Home Saquon Barkley (acl) - IR - Zombie Paterno (2) Malcolm Brown - Pickle Ricks!! (2) Drew Lock (shoulder) / Courtland Sutton - IR - Tobin & the Rippers (2) DJ Chark Jr. - (chest) - The White Jesus Poison (2) Julio Jones ~ hammy ~ Q ~ The White Jesus Poison Unowned Tangentially Impactful Injuries: Justin Jackson - quad & Tyrod Taylor (lung) ~ Sharon Ertz (3) / DYM Tevin Coleman (knee) IR & Jimmy Garoppolo (high ankle) ~ i knows pandemics Previous Week 1 Injuries: Kenny Golladay - hammy - i knows pandemics Le'veon Bell - Hammy - Bring it on Home Buff D - Milano & Edmunds - Bring it on Home AJ Brown - knee - Zombie Paterno Marlon Mack - achilles - Pickle Ricks!! Christian Kirk - groin - Tobin & the Rippers Will Fuller V - (hammy?) - Sharon Ertz Jamison Crowder - Sharon Ertz Mike Tom - High Ankle - Sharon Ertz Duke Johnson - ankle - in memoriam AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!! DefendYourMoves.com🏵 VS THE White Jesus Poison AGoTW Prediction Record: 1-1 🎇🎆 It's LAVISKA SHENAULT NIGHT IN AMERICA!!! LETS GOOO!!!!!! 🎇🎆 DJ Chark is OUT and our twitter echo chamber is loosing it's collective mind right now. Not to brag, but we have Viska and Johnathan Taylor in every league this year. Last Sunday was like Christmas morning for Johnathan Taylor cause we knew a whole week in advance that the breakout game was gonna happen. But Laviska Shenault Breakout Day is a true High Holy Day, because we had no idea what date it was gonna fall on this year. TODAY, 6 Tishiri 5781, is that day. The moon and the stars have aligned to send David Johnson on the road to Pittsburgh, and hoist our guy Viska into the national spotlight. lets fucking go. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!! Tobin & The Rippers VS Bring It On Home These teams are both 2-0 but we still don’t like BIOH one bit. Kylo has now taken the mantle of Supreme Leader. But he still lives in fear that his power will not be enough when he needs it most. We hate both their RBs, they got two white WRs, and Chris Godwin is back so Evans might go back into slump mode. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!! i knows pandemics 👾 VS Sharon Ertz We still see 3 red Qs on IKP's roster and AJ Green and Devonta are the only healthy guys on the bench. We think John Brown is gonna play this week (he missed Weds. practice last week too). But we're not sure Freeman will actually be an option, so they'll have to stay on their toes late this week. The good news is Sharon Ertz probly won't be in there scooping Doug's guys, cause they've got a locked up roster with 4 injured guys on the bench. Sharon still has their 3 best RBs active this week, and that should be enough to take down the battered and broken IKP. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!! Paul’s Awesome Team VS Polk High Panthers So it looks like Matt won that trade after all. Great job!!! Kamara is gonna be the entire Saints Offense until Mike Tom gets back. That's not good for the IRL Saints, but it's GREAT for Kamara fantasy owners. Just gotta hope that slipped disc doesn't start barking soon. If Sharon drops Josh Allen to shore up his bench, and Matt picks him up, we're all gonna be in trouble. POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!! Pickle Ricks!! VS Zombie Paternos I think PR might really start Kendrick Bourne this week. Crazy. We're liking this team's draft more and more every week. If we were him, though, we'd drop Sony Michel for Darren Waller. If for no other reason than that The ZPs have a hole at flex and Hunter Renfrow on the bench. Honestly we're kinda shocked Waller is still available right now, even in this league. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!
Shana tova Special Ed!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for the delay, folks, it’s been a pretty hectic week over here at the DYM Home Office. As it turns out, holding Kindergarten classes over Zoom is a horrible idea. Absolute shitshow, you guys. We have some BIG thoughts about the future of the US public education system - especially vis-a-vis The Pandemic - and we’ll surely dig into all that at some point this fall, but for now we’ll just offer one small recommendation for any of you guys with sub-grade-school-age kids: Pick up a copy of Jean Jacques Rousseau’s Emile, read that bad boy and mentally prepare yourself to spend A LOT of time with your child. For real, this is one of our all time favorite books. Its about parenting (kinda) but we dug it back in college too. Emile has become a bit of a curiosity for philosophy professors, but now, all of a sudden, it’s EXTREMELY relevant. I’m tellin you guys, there is not a single philosopher in the western canon as well-known and as thoroughly disrespected by today’s Academy as JJ Rousseau. Today it’s more fashionable to trash Kant, but most people that hate Kant just think JJ is a joke. But you see, this is what we call a “reverse-red-flag.” We’ve been big JJ stans since we were first introduced to him by our old buddhist-beach-bum-phil professors down in Florida. We were pretty surprised to learn that the “Professional Philosophers” at Rutgers didn’t really take him seriously. Of course this was about 15 years ago now, so we wonder sometimes how these guys really feel about Philosophical Pragmatism nowadays. In our opinion, JJ was actually the most correct philosopher of the entire Modern Era. A bold assertion, to be sure, but well supported, if for no other reason than that pretty much every Rousseau Hater is a bad philosopher in their own right. We do the same thing with fantasy football research. There’s this motherfucker on FantasyPros called “Walter Cherepinsky” aka WalterFootball and we do NOT fuck with his picks. We like to look up those “Who Should I Start?” rankings matchups when we have a tough Start/Sit decision. Been doing it for several years, nbd. Nowadays it’s become more of an exercise in satiating our confirmation bias than an actually informational one. Over time we started to notice which of the ‘Pros had the same general perspective as we do, and we end up going with those guys’ picks (which are also our own picks). Especially during mock-draft season we kept seeing Walter fade Our Guys. So, now, if we’re consulting the ‘Pros, but already kinda leaning towards a certain side, and WalterFootball is on that side too, we RUN to start the other guy. To be honest, we’ve never even been to the WalterFootball website, it’s just the WORST name though. Fuck off, Walter! For week 2, in the other league, we had to choose Anthony MIller or Tyler Boyd. Funny thing is Walter’s square-ass pick ended up being sharp this week cause the entire Browns secondary was injured. But man, we almost woulda ate our fucking hat if it werern’t for that last second garbage time TD. So, it’s fine, for now. But we’re telling you guys: Anthony Miller is a LOCK for 100yds and a TD this week. That’s bad news for Andy.The Commish has the WR1 locked and Keenan vs KC is good in the flex. That just leaves one EASY matchup call: DJ Chark is on the road at Tennessee, and Anthony Miller is at home vs NYG. Slam-dunk if you ask us. OK. I know what some of yall are thinkin: “Hey, why’s DYM giving out free lineup advice? This is DEFEND Your Moves, not ADVISE Your Moves!!!” We’re sorry. But any of you who hath eyes can surely see that The Commish is the most favorite son of the Fantasy Gods this fall. They smiled upon his draft - and the faithful all declared it to be the best in the league this year. They lost week one, sure, but don’t be fooled - like we always say: It’s better to lose early than to lose late. And now, as if to further prove where Their favor truly lies, They have laid at his feet the most marvelous gift a Fantasy League can offer: A landslide of a trade, garnering him the #1 WR in all of football. For his FOURTH RB!!! IN WEEK 2!!!!! Are you kidding me?!? Folks, we dare not refuse to heed the Fantasy Gods’ decree, especially in this High Holy Day Season. Now when we first saw the trade we thought maybe Matt was a more intrepid DYM Scholar than we had previously supposed. One could have reasonably read last week’s advice to “Draft 4 RBs” and inferred that any RB one could draft in the first four rounds is inherently more valuable than any WR in the same range. We don’t think that’s the case, but we will grant that it is a not entirely unreasonable interpretation. So, the really confusing part, to us, was how he dropped Kerryon for Desean Jackson like ten minutes after. Sure, Kerryon’s beat up and a beta personality, but why would you want the oldest guy on the Eagles? Anyway, we thought about it a lot, then we decided to pick up Adrian Peterson as a performative lesson for Matt on how to properly acquire Starting RBs in week fucking two. WEEK TWO?? 2?!?! AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!! Paul’s Awesome Team VS. Pickle Ricks!! AGoTW Prediction record: 0-1 Its a 2019 Final Four Rematch in week two!! There’s an interesting quirk in this league’s 2020 schedule. For week two, every team that won week one is playing a team that lost week one. This makes it very likely that we’ll have multiple teams at 2-0 and multiple 0-2 teams. Of course its still early, but that kinda deficit is an awfully long hill to climb later in the season. You don't ever want to say theres a “must win” game this early but all 5 of this week’s Special Ed matchups are as pivotal as a week 2 game can possibly be. Last year PR started out 2-3 averaging less than 100 per game before reeling off 7 wins in the last eight weeks of 2019. That run felt miraculous, and unlikely to be repeated, but at their worst last year they were only 3 games out of first place. Any team that starts 0-2 this year will be, more or less, fucked. Good news for PR is they woulda coulda been Dumpster Diver of the Week if they hadn’t been upstaged by New Abby. Both his pickups this week could start (over Edelman and Ingram. They’ll want to keep Gallop in at home vs ATL) and their highest scoring player last week was on the bench. So this is still a highly flexible roster. We love it. But PAT’s lineup is very likeable as well. He's got our jedi padawan Nyheim Hines vs the Vikes’ sneaky bad defense and/or Singetary @MIA. Both are pretty good options to replace James Conner or just to bench TY Hilton. Amari should ball out against ATL too, but Hill and Lockett have two of the toughest matchups of the week on paper. PREDICTION: PICKLE RICKS!! WINS!! I knows pandemics 👾 VS. Polk High Panthers Free win for Doug!! I KNOWS PANDEMICS WINS!! Tobin & The Rippers VS. Zombie Paternos This one’s off to a great start already. Both these guys started Browns RBs on Thursday. In a vacuum that sounds like a bad decision, but it wasn't!! Chubb and Hunt each piled up over 100 combined yds and a TD, 2 for Chubb. FUN FACT: That Thursday nighter was the highest scoring Browns-Bengals game of the last 15 years. In week 12 of 2004 The Bengals beat The Browns 58-48 - the 2nd highest scoring NFL game ever. Kelly Holcomb put up 413 yds and 5 TDs for CLE, and the great Rudi Johnson ran for 202 yds and 2 TDs for CIN. Check it out! TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!! DefendYourMoves.com🤲 VS. Sharon Ertz The Eagles are a mess, you guys. First of all, Zack Ertz is their best offensive player and they’re treating him like cold leftovers. We don’t get it, it’s not like he’s a running back. The other candidates for Eagles’ Best Non-RB, Lane Johnson and Jason Peters have each sustained multiple knee/high-ankle snappers in the past year. We suspect The Eagles have a NY Mets-esque inclination to bring guys back as soon as the player says he’s “fine.” They’re not fine. Jordan Howard was week-to-week for 2+ months last year. With that spinal case QB, you’d think they’d want to keep big guys in front of him happy and healthy, of which they are neither. There’s not very many good matchups to choose from on this roster. But after this week there are two or three guys we like on this team, so watch out for those trade offers coming soon!! We didn't really know how we were gonna feel about Cam in NE and Brady in Tampa until we saw them in action last week. We always used to like Cam, and of course The Bucs are our former home team. Turns out we hate all of them now. Hate Cam, don’t hate the Pats or Brady any less, and now we even hate the entire Bucs too. It's a shame, we didn't want it to be this way. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!! Bring It On Home VS. THE WhiteJesusPoison This should be another pretty good week for BIOH’s Kylo+Drake stack, as The Cards play The Team at home this week. But Ryan+Julio is, in our opinion, the best stack one can roster in 2020. We had Julio as our #1 WR pre-draft, and now that Mike Tom is out we’re feeling pretty confident in that pick. Congrats Commish. 2020 Special Ed Champion* THE WHITE JESUS POISON WINS!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!
What’s up Special Ed?! Y'all ready to get busy or what?!?! There’s just a few days left until we kick off the 10th* season of the World’s Greatest Fantasy League!!! Lets go!!!!! Man, ten years. A lotta people said we wouldn’t make it, but we're still goin strong - with over 60% of the original league still intact! That’s not bad!!! We’re not gonna go over the top celebrating the league’s Tin Anniversary tho, since most contemporary Special Ed Historians only recognize 7 “Official” Special Ed Seasons, and 2020 has already been deemed our third ASTERISK season. 2011 and 2018 were each played with less than 10 fantasy teams, and there’s a good chance the 2020 season could feature less than a full slate of NFL teams and/or less than 16 games. To recap: 2011: The league began with only eight teams, so that first season was retroactively asterisked when we began the 10-team era in 2012. 2018: For some still unknown reason, the [REDACTED] drafted only Eagles then didn’t set his lineup or make any pickups for several weeks. It was the greatest travesty in the history of fantasy sports, and a stain this league will bear for generations to come. Golden Richards was the 8-team champion and Defend Your Moves won the 9-team season, so there are currently 3 teams who have won 2 Official Special Ed Superbowls in the last ten years. If a full 16 game season does come to fruition this year, then Tacos!, GR, and DYM will have a chance to be named THE SPECIAL ED TEAM OF THE DECADE!!!!!!!!!! 2020 FUNNY NAMES UPDATE: Overall we're pretty happy with the incoming group of rookie names in the NFL. We got Swift, Dobbins, Ruggs - All very fun names to say. But there's one NFL newcomer who stands out as perhaps the quintessential funny name for today's NFL game: CeeDee Lamb. "Lamb" is a solidly funny last name. Everybody likes last names that are words cause they're easy to read and easy to remember. Cook, Hill, Bell, Hunt and Green are names that everybody drafts at least a round too early. And we get it: You gotta have those catchy names in your lineup. His born name, Cedarian Lamb, already would be a top 5 name in this class. And "CD Lamb" as a nickname is also very not bad because a CD is a thing and so is a lamb. Perhaps, as a 21-year-old, Cedarian isn't really aware that a CD is a thing, or maybe he's intentionally casting aspersions on the outmoded medium. But no matter what the impetus, the phoneticized "CeeDee" is aesthetically stunning. We're not really in the business of over-analyzing sublime artistic works. We're just here to appreciate and celebrate the rare occasions when mankind creates something purely beautiful. CeeDee is surely a name you've never seen before, but it's still incredibly simple, easy to sound out, and has an internal rhyme structure that's very fun to say. The capital D in the middle gives it a distinctively modern flare, and does so without any awkward spaces or punctuation, and without i's and y's. And on top of all that, he's already got one of our favorite hair cuts (the Brent Holmes style half-bleached dreadlocks) and a DYM-approved cool jersey number. This is a young man with a bright future. There might not be a lot of college football this year, and the players are understandably upset. The ones with the most to lose aren't the talented players - they can show up to the anonymized NFL combine and show out with that "WR14" shirt on. The tragedy is that the 2021 class features some outstandingly funny names that may never be spoken on national TV. That's why the funniest named kids at Nebraska filed a class-action lawsuit against the Big 10: "Listed as plaintiffs are Brant and Brig Banks, Alante Brown, Noa Pola-Gates, Jackson Hannah, Garrett Nelson, Ethan Piper and Garrett Snodgrass." Holy shit!! Noa Pola?! Jackson Hannah's Wild Kingdom?!? GARRETT SNODGRASS?!?!?! Folks, in these troubling times, now more than ever, America needs Garrett Snodgrass. Let the kids play!!! AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK THE White Jesus Poison vs Tobin & The Rippers AGOTW Prediction record 0-0 The #1 Yahoo! rated draft vs the league's actual best draft. THE COMMISH: It was very annoying for us to draft behind The Commish this year because we only hung out with like 3 people since March and he was one of em. Obviously we can't ever keep our stupid mouth shut so The Commish came in to this draft knowing our whole strategy and who all our favorite players were. We should take it as a compliment that he actually used our strategy and scooped our guys tho, so we might be on to something. The preferred strategy this year was "5 starting RBs Minimum". We say 5 because we expect depth will be more important this year than ever before. But the objective fact of the modern fantasy football game is that the starting RB is the only position that matters. And our new 2-flex roster gives us the opportunity to start 4 RBs every week. We were shocked how few teams took advantage of that fact last year, but even more surprised that The Commish was the only other team (besides ourselves) to begin the draft with 4 RBs. We got our 4 guys early too, but after that The Commish made it real hard for us to eclipse the 5 RB minimum. We don't love all of The Commish's guys, Gurley especially. But the beauty of the RB-heavy lineup is that Gurley is his #4!! We don't love him, but we'd obviously rather have his in the flex than Theilen or Amari in the WR1. He did a great job with the value WRs too. Chark and Keenan are among the very few "dependable" WRs in the game and Anthony Miller has a QB upgrade and one of the softest schedules in the league. DRAFT GRADE: 2020 Special Ed Champion* SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: THE White Jesus Poison (best team name ever) TOBIN & THE RIPPERS Zeke and Chubb was a great start to the draft, and they'll be a formidable 1-2 punch all year. But when he picked 4 WRs and then David Montgomery we were like "psshhh. nah". A lot of people think it's ok to draft Montgomery this week since his groin injury was deemed "mild" and is expected to only keep him out "2-4 weeks." None of those people have ever pulled a groin muscle. The problem with a groin muscle injury is not just that it's painful, but that it takes FOREVER to get better. He might be able to run by week 3 but that shit is gonna hurt until week 8 even if he rests til then. And what's worse is he's sure to have a labored gait in week 3, which puts him at a far greater risk for a pulled hammy or sprained ankle cause he's not bending his hips enough when he runs. SMGDH, isn't this guy a doctor? Remind us to never get sick in Philly, you guys. We do like Calvin Ridley, though. He's gonna be that guy this year. DRAFT GRADE: it's aight SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: Jabberjaw & The Neptunes SHARON ERTZ Obviously this is not an ideal team structure, because he only drafted 2 RBs in the first 6 rounds. But really we think the only bad picks were Ron Jones and Jamie Crowder. Odell is poised for a bounce-back season. He had a tough time last year, but let's just say he's a guy who definitely isn't drafting David Montgomery this year. At the moment it looks like this team has 3 good starting RBs. The Leonard Fornette transaction probably sunk Ron Jones' value completely, but Adrian Peterson getting cut should make Antonio Gibson a locked-in starter. Gibson was already our #1 most coveted sleeper RB even before Peterson got cut, so Big Kudos on that pick, could be an excellent keeper. Plus he's got the Full House, and Ka'imi Fairbairn is maybe the best kicker name in the league today. DRAFT GRADE: Talking myself into it SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: Kawhi Fairbairn BRING IT ON HOME The only exceptions to the "all RBs early" rule are, of course, Kenyan Drake and Leveon Bell. And he got BOTH of em - What the fuck, dude? And TWO white WRs? For Real?? Oh God, and Jordan Howard is on this team too. Oh man. This team is fucked, DRAFT GRADE: yuck SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: The Garbage Pail Kids I KNOWS PANDEMICS 👾 The #1 pick was a no-brainer, and Tacos didn't fuck that one up. But pretty much every pick after that was kinda suspect. Hopkins might still be the "best" WR in the NFL, but receivers changing teams are almost never good for fantasy, and Hop has yet to practice with his new team. Multi-week preseason hamstrings are still a red flag in our book. They did manage to add 5 more RBs to run with McCaffrey, but they're all "value" RBs who don't really have the starting job locked up. We're not gonna trash anybody for carrying 2 QBs this year. We do think it's worthwhile to backup every position, but it's gonna be hard to justify taking both QBs in the first 7 rounds with this many question marks at RB and flex. DRAFT GRADE: top heavy SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: Not Easy Being Green PICKLE RICKS!!!!! Our biggest priorities for the 2020 draft were (1) starting RBs and (2) bench flexibility. Although we're not sure that there are two good starting RBs on this team, there may be no more flexible roster this year than the Pickle Ricks'. At first we were kinda looking down on this draft because we didn't see of the requisite work-horse RBs. But after the Fournette, Kamara, and Peterson drama this week we're starting to love the idea of having 3 high-leverage RB handcuffs on the same team. And our favorite thing about the PR draft is that it's still not done! There's NO DEFENSE!!! He's got at least one move to make before next weekend so they are contenders for the Week 1 Dumpster Diver Award. DRAFT GRADE: We see you, doggy SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: SEAL TEAM RICK!!! TEAM MEH Did you know there are only 2 NFL player who have been selected in every Special Ed draft? Big Ben is one of them and for 9 of the last 10 years The Fourth Reich has picked Ben as their starting QB. In 2014 Abby drafted Big Ben, a mistake that directly lead to her dismissal from the league. Team Meh has always been our league's preeminent homer football fan. But this draft may be their piece de resistance. Their first three picks were all fellow PSU alumni and then they added four Steelers: Ben, Dionte, Benny Snell and the Defense. This makes us happy. We don't entirely know why. This team is good, not great, but we're very glad it exists. Great Job! Go Bombers!!! DRAFT GRADE: if it ain't broke don't fix it SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: Ben & Benny's PAULS AWESOME TEAM Even in this most unpredictable of seasons, some things never change. We have never liked a Golden Richards' draft; For the tenth year in a row, we DO NOT like this team. Aaron Rodgers is the only other player to have been picked in all ten Special Ed drafts. LeSean McCoy and Adrian Peterson were also drafted nine times coming into this season. With AD cut and Fournette joining the Bucs, it's looking like neither of those two will be fantasy viable this season, so good job fading them, everybody! This team should be OK, in theory, but we're pretty concerned about the depth. We feel like Tyreek Hill catches a hamstring in preseason or week 1 pretty much every year, and James Conner is a chemotherapy veteran who might still have a compromised immune system. That means this team is very likely to start Tyler Boyd or TY Hilton regularly which is not ideal in this ten-team 2-WR format. Apparently Matt Breida's a Dolphin now. Our guess is Peterson ends up there later this week. DRAFT GRADE: 0 for 10 SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: 2020 Dumpster Diver Champ Polk High Panthers Man, they are lucky Fournette got picked up and could still be a starter. Cause for a minute there this team looked F U C K E D. Even as it is, they really only have one good RB and one good WR. They have two QBs, but one of them is a spinal case and the other is 40, not ideal. Jarvis Landry is probably starting a lot of games here, which is never a good thing. They did get CeeDee Lamb, tho. Great name. DRAFT GRADE: 🤮 SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: The New Abby DEFEND YOUR MOVES DRAFT GRADE: we got this SUGGESTED TEAM NAME: #GODSPLAN2020 HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!
What's up Special Ed?! There's so much going on in the world right now. Football is not likely to be one of those things, so most of us on the DYM Editorial staff are feeling pretty listless. Fortunately, our guy Kyrie stopped by today and he's got a couple of very interesting off-the-court projects in the works this summer. This is a very exciting time for everybody here at the Irving household. I love playing basketball, but a lot of people don’t know that one of my true passions in life is NOT playing basketball. Now, after years of organizing behind the scenes I’m finally ready to go public and take my not-basketball game to the NEXT level. Every summer I like to go down to LBI and just kick it. There’s nothin better than that salty air, the sunshine, little BBQ, few drinks, and all my cares seem a thousand miles away. Seems like every summer I just ride around on my beach cruiser thinking “Damn. There’s gotta be a super-virus or a fuckin revolution or SOMETHIN this year, cause I am NOT tryina go back to work.” Then I usually call up KD and we talk about what kind of surgeries we can get before training camp starts. See, there’s actually a lot of us professional athletes that don’t really like sports that much. Some of us are the children of athletes who had no choice but to play sports as a kid. Then there’s other folks, like KD, who’re incredibly tall and have perfect hand-eye coordination but are just really unmotivated. They know that playing sports is a lot less work than getting a “real job”, so they sign up, but most of these guys really can’t be bothered with the day-to-day. THE TIME IS NOW This is our moment!!! Now that we got this pandemic, and these riots, it seems like everybody’s talking about not playing sports! So, whether you’re a lazy athlete or just an athlete that doesn’t really like sports, this is a GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY that we cannot let slip through our fingers. That’s why we set up this program to help voluntarily unemployed athletes maintain their lifestyles. The next step is NFL football, which will be a lot tougher to stop than baseball or hoops. We’ve been working with the NFLPA on an innovative solution – we call it a “PSL” or Player Salary License: We offer NFL Owners an opportunity to buy these “licenses” which entitle them to pay the full salary of any player who opts out of the 2020 season in exchange for the right to pay that player his full salary in 2021 as well. Might be a tough sell but we’re pretty confident. We did a lot of market research amongst inbred oil money inheritors, 90’s tech industry tycoons, and Princeton alumni. This plan tested very highly. CUM JESUS: A PARABLE Hopefully by Labor Day we’ll have all these sports cancelled and I can just move down the shore full time and work on my novel. You guys wanna hear what I got so far? It’s the shit! I’m tellin you. It’s a timeless story about the moral and intellectual imperfections that are necessary to the human condition. We initially got the idea from this line from the book of Job (14:1) “Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble.” Now, obviously Jesus was "born of a woman" just like all of us, which is why he had so much troubles in life and had to eventually die. Our story posits – “What if the immaculate conception had happened to Joseph instead?” It goes like this: Joseph - single guy in the year 0 - jerks himself off one night, busts in his belly button and falls asleep. The next morning Joseph wakes up to find the little baby Jesus curled up there on his stomach. Sure, being a single dad is tough, but the good news is that since Cum Jesus wasn’t born of a woman, so he can live forever and have no troubles. That’s good news for everybody, really. See one thing that happens over and over in the Bible is God (and later Jesus) have an OK time gathering prophets and convincing them of the Truth, but people who only hear God’s word from a human prophet are much more dubious. It happens in every book, from Genesis all the way to Revelations. In fact, in Genesis 2, if Adam had been a more convincing prophet, Eve would never have been cursed in the first place. Adam was commanded not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge before Eve was created. We never even see Adam convey the commandment to Eve explicitly. So when this snake comes along that can quote God just as well as Adam and kinda seems smarter than him, Eve was understandably confused. The point is that when God speaks to people they tend to believe, but a person telling you what God told them is, at the end of the day, just somebody telling you some shit they don’t really know anything about. That’s the funny thing about Christian conservatives - to this day a lot of people still try to use Bible quotes as a persuasive argument. Even though biblical interpretation is essentially the ONLY thing God told the first man not to do. I mean, on the one hand, I get it. If you believe the Bible is the only existing artifact of God’s word then that’s all you got. One would be inclined to become invested in that book. Nevertheless, if Adam was God’s first prophet, then the snake was the first Christian Apologist. Fast forward about two thousand years and the rest of the story takes place in a fictional version of 21st century America, except it’s like crazy futuristic, right? Everything is awesome cause Nut Jesus is still alive!! Talkin bout flying cars, everything’s on blockchain, animals can talk, all that shit. It’s your basic matriarchal, post-agrarian, communist utopia. For the last two thousand years everybody has known for a fact that God is real. Generations of people have all heard Jizz Jesus’s Good News with their own ears. Everything is perfect, because Load Jesus has shown us how to live in peace with the earth and with each other. No one fears death because we all know our place within the eternal life beyond this world. There’s no pollution, no cops, and no homework – just Spunk Jesus’s undying love. But it isn’t just a story about Cummsy Jesus, it’s a story about humanity. So even though things seem perfect, some people won’t accept it and there’d still be this anti-establishment counter-culture. This would be the year 2020 so there’d be a few billion people in the world, most of whom would have only ever see Skeet Jesus on YouTube or whatever, so some of them are naturally gonna be like “How do you KNOW he’s real?” There wouldn’t be any organized religion in this world, cause why would they need it? But then we could have “churches” but they’d be underground, like cults or militias. There’d be these fringe religious conservatives who are like “I aint listenin’ to no YouTube Splooge Jesus. The BIBLE says blah blah blah.” But really nobody reads the Bible anymore. It's pretty much out of circulation. Could even be illegal(?) The utopia’s only banned book(?) Maybe I’ll just say nothing’s really “illegal” in the utopia but religion is widely frowned upon. I don’t know. We’re still figuring some of this out. Here’s a few other items from the Official Cum Jesus (CJ) FAQ: Q: If CJ is omnipotent, and immortal, and completely untroubled, isn’t he just Dr. Manhattan? A: The whole problem with Dr. Manhattan is he’s still a dude. He’s omnipotent and immortal and he seemed untroubled by most humans’ trivial concerns, but he was constantly entangled with mortal women. To keep CJ completely above the fray of this mortal coil, we’ll have to remove his desire for traditional sexual relationships. So he definitely couldn’t be a “he,” in the way Dr. Manhattan is. CJ’d have to have been born intersex - ie born with two sets of fully functioning genitalia. As an adult he’d likely live as a “he/him lesbian” or, perhaps alternately, as a cogendered asexual. Either way we feel like labels and pronouns won’t be that big a deal in the utopia. People are people and everybody fucks whoever they want, ya know? Except CJ, of course, but it would be funny to have him be naked all the time. Q: Why wasn’t Joseph pregnant like Schwarzenegger in Junior? A: Since there’s no c-sections in the year 0, a traditional (internal) pregnancy might end up being even messier than having to carry around a sack of amniotic fluid for 9 months. Honestly, Jospeh’s pregnancy isn’t gonna be all that important to the rest of the story, so I don’t think I’ll dwell on it too long. Probably just kinda glaze over that part. Q: Is CJ a dictator? A: No, but he would certainly be accused of being one. There won’t be any “leaders” as we have them today. Moreover there wouldn’t be very many enforceable laws and very few conflicts that require third party intervention. People are only able to live this way by virtue of CJ’s teachings, and people would worship him. People would pray to CJ (and their prayers would be answered in 30 minutes of less, guaranteed) and they would seek out his guidance, but CJ would not enact or enforce any laws. Q: How do we get to a high-tech society with no pollution? A: The real key here is that the ancient kingdoms of world (especially in Africa and the Americas) would not have been overthrown or colonized. There would have been no Caesar Augustus, no Alexander the Great, no Conquistadors and no London Museum. So all that shit that alien visitors taught the Mayans and the Egyptians, all those “secrets of the pyramids”, would never have been lost to history. They would have been built upon and advanced. Generations of people would live and die without fear, thereby allowing their progeny to know with absolute certainty that what they leave behind on this planet is far more valuable than the pursuit of their own happiness. That and hemp, almost everything would be made of hemp. Q: Where do people live tho? I don't think you can make a whole house out of hemp. A: OK, that's fair. But there could be any number of different architectural techniques in the utopia, it really would depend on where you live and what’s available. Like, you could live in an underground burrow or in a hollow tree like Winnie the Pooh. Or if you’re real patient you could plant a bunch of trees in the shape of a house and just let them grow around you and your loved ones for generations to come. Lots of options. Q: Was CJ there when the Bible was written? Is the story of the Bible very different in this world? A: The OT would have already been written, which is why there’d be such a thing as “religious conservatives.” For the New Testament, he would have been there, but he wouldn’t write it himself. He would have had a diverse story group recruited from all over the world. They would write the story of CJ as a group and CJ himself would have final cut privileges like JJ Abrams. The CJ Story Group would also want to take a stab at re-writing a lot of the OT, especially the overtly sexist parts. This would be fun cause flipping the messages of the Bible would have a butterfly-effect on the whole history of western literature. We could rewrite all sorts of myths and fairy tales. Just imagine: Like if God weren’t a mystery in the Bible, then The Wizard of Oz would just call Dorothy’s house and ask her to come help the lion, the scarecrow, and the tin-man get their shit together. Or if Adam and Eve weren’t shamed for their nakedness then the Emperor’s New Clothes could actually just be about a guy who likes rocking Polo rugbies and Air Maxes. Q: What else would be different about the Matriarchy? A: A lot of things would be different! In fact, "matriarchy" isn’t really the right word for this place, at least not in the political sense. It would be egalitarian in most every way, so we’re not saying women would be “in-charge” (as opposed to men being in charge), but the culture would be decidedly “feminine” by our standards. For instance, there would not be a “justice system.” Because the idea that there is some equity for victims to reclaim through the suffering of their attackers is conceived entirely out of people's own sense of insecurity. Our purportedly natural desire to exact “justice” on others is truly only a desire to satiate our own fear and self-doubt, and moreover, satiate our most aggressive (masculine) impulses. These deep-seated fears and anxieties that dictate the better part of our culture today simply would not exist in CJ's world. At the same time, we can’t deny that emotions and impulses are human and natural, whether we coin them as masculine, feminine, or anything else. This is still a story about the human condition, so aggression, competitiveness, and even violence have to have a place in this world. So while there would be no armies and no wars, there could still be NFL football. Q: Would there be “toxic femininity”? A: No. But that’s definitely another thing the Old Testament cultist would talk about a lot. Since the cultists would be Old Testament literalists, they could just have pretty much the same ideology as today’s real-life MAGA bible-thumpers. But it’ll be funny cause they’re just discovering these concepts in the Bible that nobody else even acknowledges anymore. They could be the only people who eat meat, for example, while everyone else is literally friends with animals. They’ll hate "immigrants" and “foreigners” even though there aren’t any nations or borders. Most of all, they’ll be proudly misogynistic, even though nobody else even uses the words “male” or “female” anymore. They’ll be offended by almost everything about this world, but the things they really hate most of all are CJ’s swaying flaccid hog and his big ole d-cup titties. HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYBODY!!!!!!
As it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” Romans 3:10-12 Watch this shit right here: The fucking brand is dead, you guys. Ivanka goddamn Trump out here talkin about Joseph fucking Campbell - doing MY SCHTICK. Fuck this. We’re probly never gonna finish the Ultimate Star Wars Theory now. The page still exists, so intrepid DYM Scholars can still surf over to DefendYourMoves.com/star-wars if they're so inclined, but the banner link has been indefinitely removed. We had a bit of extra web traffic this weekend. We’re pretty sure most of it is coming from google searches for “[star wars] + [Joseph Campbell]” which is just the most depressing thing ever. And that’s saying something cause we’ve been exceedingly depressed lately. The Star Wars Theory wasn’t really ever intended to be a tome to Jospeh Campbell. Theres something much deeper to Mythopoeia than just a formula for Hollywood scripts. There's a metaphysical, or rather super-psychological, reason why myths are meaningful. To be honest we’re still not sure what exactly it is though. Although we’re not too too upset about possibly never figuring it out, cause Karl Jung never really figured it out either. So far, like Jung, we are fairly certain that whatever the “reason” is behind Mythopoeia, it likely ties into other subjective psychological phenomena and we know it has something to do with the number “3”. Thats still about all we got. LIFE GOES ON It is difficult to put aside a project we’ve spent most of our adult life thinking about. But as it turns out there’s another idea we’ve been thinking about for over twenty years that’s gaining a lot of traction in these streets: DYM Readers know we’ve always taken a radical anti-racist stance here on this site. We whole heartedly support the Black Lives Matter movement, but what’s much closer to our heart is the “Fuck the Police” movement. Now, before anybody starts thinking that bullshit about “there's some good cops”, let us be clear. What we’re saying is: Fuck the Police as a staff, a label, and as a motherfuckin crew. And if you wanna be down with the police then fuck you too. Fuck the Fraternal Order of Police. Fuck the Police Union. Fuck Cops Every other year there’s a motherfucker trying to blow up a Teacher’s Union because they’re “too powerful”. Meanwhile Police departments account for as much as 40% of their cities’ annual budgets, largely due to the work of their unions' lobbyists. On top of that, thanks to the Patriot Act, they also receive federal funds and military grade weapons (including chemical weapons banned from military use by the Geneva Convention) AND are given “permission to search a home or business without the owner's or the occupant's consent or knowledge.” Cops kill over 1,000 people a year in the USA, but on average only about 80 officers per year are charged with manslaughter or murder and only about 35% of those are ever convicted. And the goddamn Supreme Court won't even hear police brutality cases right now. In NYC, the police are pretty much the only people legally allowed to carry guns, which makes it real awkward when they overtly threaten their Mayor’s life. Here at DYM we’re about as pro-union as they come, it's hard to argue that ANY union is really "too powerful" but FUCK THIS SHIT, for real. We never thought we’d see the day where “Defund the Police” could be a legitimate and accepted policy proposal, but here we are. Color us heartened. We don’t mean to belabor the police funding issue at the expense of the message from Black Lives Matter, though. In fact, it’s important for everybody to remember that the history of Police in this country IS a history of institutionalized racism. But don’t take our word for it - let’s let the cops tell it themselves: Take this article from The National Law Enforcement Museum in Washington DC discussing early police forces in the pre-civil war South. As early as 1703 plantation owners had created a fairly organized law enforcement system, established for the sole purpose of catching and returning run-away slaves. The "Slave Patrols" operated for over 150 years across the Southern states. The article describes Slave Patrols as the forebears of modern Police, with tactics and organizational modus operandi that were directly inherited by American municipal Police departments. “Typically, slave patrol routines included enforcing curfews, checking travelers for a permission pass, catching those assembling without permission, and preventing any form of organized resistance.” After the Civil War, slave patrols were formally disbanded with many members re-organizing under the fledgling Ku Klux Klan. To this day the KKK maintains an uncomfortably close relationship with many urban police departments. Other former Slave Patrolmen had the opportunity to join some of the first modern municipal Police Departments which had begun to form in Northern cities. The colonies originally had rudimentary mechanisms of law enforcement borrowed from the British - local constables managing a group of volunteer “night watchmen” who patrolled their own neighborhoods. These groups were informal, but also largely ineffective especially as cities grew larger. Northern cities made due without organized police forces until the mid-1800s, but History will tell of the absolute necessity of municipal Police in the North as widespread crime and violence took hold of Philadelphia, Boston and New York in the 1830s and 40s. The year 1834 was called the “year of the riots” in New York City. Although that’s not to say that these new Police forces were any more noble or high-minded than their Southern counterparts. According to this Police Academy textbook “Community Policing: A Contemporary Perspective”, there were a few particular incidents that helped spur the public’s demand for organized city Police in the North: “A series of so-called Negro riots” in Philadelphia in 1842, an 1837 riot in Boston where “15,000 Irish citizens and firemen clashed”, and of course the “Native American riots” in Philadelphia which “lasted for 3 months” in 1844. Once again the primary foundational duty of Police departments has always been to criminalize and subdue immigrants and people of color. WHERE WERE WE? OH YEA, STAR WARS. This history stuff is all very important, cause this shit is really coming to a head right about now, but we’re rambling. The point we really wanted to make here is just that it’s entirely inappropriate for public figures to be discussing Mythopoeia in this particular moment. Still, we have to admit that there is something undeniably Cambellian about all this. Not just the pandemic, broadly speaking, although that’s part of it. The Coronavirus pandemic largely entered the American consciousness on February 22 when the WHO sent an international panel of experts to Wuhan, China to investigate the SARS-COV-2 outbreak. It didn’t take long after that for the majority of the US to begin to take notice. Over the next month the virus infected a still untold number of Americans and overwhelmed healthcare resources in our biggest cities. After two more months many of us settled into the malaise of social distancing. But, by this count, the “new normal” way of life in American cities ended up lasting exactly 84 days (or THREE lunar cycles), as May 26 saw another untold number of people collectively eschewing social distancing in order to confront this nation’s oldest established norm. Cambellian indeed. But we’re not gonna talk about that anymore here, cause the fucking brand is dead now. FUCK IT Joseph Campbell was a paternalistic euro-centrist. If we’re gonna be out here asking for basic social equality between the races (and even more-so between the sexes) then we have to admit that Joseph Campbell may have been as much a part of the problem as any 20th century American intellectual. We’re pretty comfortable calling Campbell "a paternalistic euro-centrist" now because he himself came to realize this late in life. His last two published works, The Mythic Image and Goddesses, take a much more humble and inquisitive look at indigenous traditions of Africa, Southeast Asia, and The Americas, especially agrarian and matriarchal societies. The mythologies of these be-colonized societies are all but forgotten to Western history, but Campbell also takes on a more thorough study of the daily lives and cultural heritage of ancient societies. He discovers that the hidden meanings in myths are often inexorably bound with specific cultural rituals and traditions. In many cultures a mythical allegory cannot be understood without the audience participating in a ceremonial rite of passage. There are universal life lessons, but they are interpreted from within a community’s particular way of life. Campbell admits he was unable to decipher these ancient riddles simply because we are too far removed from the place and time where the myths were originally told. These books don’t exactly upend the thesis of Hero With A Thousand Faces, but they do show how narrow-minded a fixation on the Hero's Journey in-and-of-itself can be. It is as if to say that the significance of these stories isn’t found at the end of the quest, and it's not found along the way either. At times the reader can sense Campbell’s regret when faced with this realization. In Hero With A Thousand Faces, Campbell seemed to have been questing for a proverbial Rosetta Stone (or perhaps a Fountain of Youth), with which he could unlock ancient stories so that they might live forever. But his final book - the unfinished Goddesses - arguably demonstrates the exact opposite: that there is truth to the cliche that says “stories are alive,” but consequently they are just as mortal as the people who tell them. SO YOU'RE SAYING STAR WARS IS DEAD? Yup, it's deader than Nancy Reagan. A long time ago we had planned to write a whole lot more about Goddesses this month. We had June marked on the calendar for a Star Wars deep-dive cause we figured it’d take a good six months to digest Episode IX and finish reading the novelization version. At one point we held out hope that there’d be some artful matriarchal themes in The Rise of Skywalker, furthering the themes from The Last Jedi. Perhaps, we foolishly thought, we’ll even see Rey complete something closer to Maureen Murdock’s “Heroine’s Journey”. But alas. We just finished the book last week and initially we were inclined to just not say anything about it at all on account of our “don’t say anything bad about Star Wars” policy. But no. Now we got MAGA motherfuckers clicking all on our links cause stupid ass Ivanka read a fucking reddit post. Fortunately we’re in the mood to burn some shit down this month so we’re gonna tell yall what we really think about the new Star Wars: It’s dogshit. The Rise of Skywalker novelization is by far the worst Star Wars book we’ve ever read. These novelizations tend to be better, storytelling-wise, than the movies. They’re generally less condensed, and often contain lots of internal monologue and revealing narrative insights that either would be difficult to capture visually or simply get edited out for expediency. The tragedy of this book is that it adheres so closely to the movie script that it only serves to make the stitching around the plot holes that much more visible. There are a few “deleted scenes” which are nice - there’s baby Ben Solo snuggling his “Uncle Chewie” and a visit to Vader’s Castle which is now home to the walking metaphor known as "The Oracle". There’s also a brief explanation of exactly how the Emperor survived after Return of the Jedi (he made clones of himself and possessed one of them like Darth Bane), and who Rey’s father is (also a clone), but even that only raises more questions about how Rey ended up on Jakku, and about pretty much all of Palpatine’s choices after Jedi. Another thing we’re still confused about is how Rey had to go to the old Death Star to find the “wayfinder” which would give her directions to the Emperor’s liar on Exogol, even though they already had Ochi’s ship and his droid, and Ochi’s only job was to fly to Exogol. Then for some reason the droid doesn’t have a map, but does have pretty much all the rest of the info they’re gonna need to attack the Emperor's fleet which wouldn't have even existed at the time Ochi died. The book makes no effort to explain things like this, it just states that they happened. The narration is totally irresponsible and unaccountable. The movie is very fast paced. Sometimes when they cut quickly between scenes we find characters all of a sudden in a new locale without any explanation of how they got there. Not a huge deal, movies are like that sometimes, you can’t show everything. But that’s the entire point of a movie novelization - the book should fill in these kinds of narrative gaps. This book simply cannot be bothered to make that kind of effort: Speaking of awful narration, what the fuck is this scene even supposed to be? Overall, the storytelling in the book remains just as nonsensical as it seems in the film, but somehow the dialogue is even worse. Like Poe Dameron doing a bad Leslie Nielsen routine after finding out his girlfriend is dead. “Yes way, Poe,” she said, becoming visibly frustrated. “A blast from fucking a Star Destroyer.” HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYBODY!!!!!
What's up, Special Ed? Are we drinkin tongiht or what?! Quick FYI: Mario Kart Tour is FREE on the iphone app store. We fuck with this game heavily and have now convened The Madison Mario Kart Klub for this off-season. Right now it's just us, the commish, jeff ertz, and food beef judge dave maulbeck. A few times a week we link up on a facetime call then fire up the Kart app so we can talk that shit while we race. It's definitely the best shit ever right now. Our Friend ID is 9259 6293 4938. Hit Us Up!!! Big Shout Out to all the essential worker heroes going out on the front lines of the pandemic. And an especially BIG shout out to all the brave folks at the Taiwanese national baseball league for bravely starting their 2020 season this past weekend. thank you for your service That's right, you guys! SPORTS IS BACK! We made it. We beat the fuckin coronavirus you guys. Beat that shit like a drum. Fuck coronavirus. We're back!!! We're coming back cautiously of course. So far just a few of the bravest, most intrepid athletes of the world are venturing back to the field this month. According to FanDuelSportsBook we got Taiwanese Baseball, Taiwanese Basketball, Belarusian Soccer and, of course, Nicaraguan Soccer. Nicaragua doesn't give a FUCK. You think they're scared or air-borne respiratory viruses? Fuuuck no. They get epidemics like every other week that yall never even heard of. Yea, the President of Nicaragua's been missing for a month but that's probably unrelated, the point is: fuck coronavirus. We want sports. Anyway, we ran today's lines past our resident Nicaraguan Expert. She says Juventus Managua is a lock, but we don't love the -320 line. Probably gonna put a few shekels on this -1 goal for +105 too. We don't mean to make light of the situation tho. In fact the crisis has hit home for DYM as well. The world has changed now in ways that none of us could have predicted. Even the prophecies of The Great WhoHotStradamus have now been proven wrong. We always knew sports would get canceled some day. We always knew robots would one day take our place. But these Taiwanese fellas are takin it to the whole nother level. Now, you might notice that in the picture at the top, and in all the videos here, there's actually no robots in the stands. That's because the opening day game was supposed to be on Saturday but got rained out, so that team with the robot fans will try again later in the week. For now we get another brief reprieve, but still, goddamn, It's literally the ONE THING we never thought was gonna happen. For a long time now, we've been predicting the demise of human professional sports. Although this pandemic has entirely disrupted human-sports worldwide it has not been as easy a jumping off point as we had hoped it would be for post-human-sports. The greatest tragedy, in our opinion, is that SARS-COV-2 can be spread to non-human-mammals. We were heartbroken to learn that Nadia, a Malayan tiger at the Bronx Zoo, recently tested positive for coronavirus. We always knew it was possible that some sort of paradigm-shifting catastrophe would push us toward canceling human sports; and we knew it was possible that that catastrophe could come before technology would allow for fully automated robot sports leagues. In that case we had hoped that intelligent animals and/or aliens could compete in the NFL and NBA in the interim. When we read the news about Nadia, for a moment, we thought all hope was lost for sports this year. Surely the shock from that news set us back several weeks. Recently, there's been some cockamamie attempts at simulated sports, fanduel tried pushing fantasy e-sports, and ESPN even got NBA players to play video games on TV, but that shit never had a chance. None of that e-shit can ever replace REAL LIFE SPORTS. That's why we're coming BACK! Because, like the great Dr. Ian Malcolm once said about times of chaos: "Life ... uh ... finds a way". There's no way American sports leagues are gonna let these shit-holes hog the spotlight for too long so we're definitely getting all our shit back in action very soon. Obviously, we don't want to do anything to compromise the health of our professional football or basketball players so baseball will most likely be the first pro sport to come back in this country. For the last week the MLB has been discussing plans to sequester the entire league and a couple thousand support personnel in the greater-Phoenix area and playing all the games in spring training stadiums. They say the season could start within the next six weeks, which honestly feels like fucking forever from now so who the fuck knows? Also no word yet on whether MLB is gonna use the Taiwanese terminator-chucky-cheese-robot-bands. All options are still reportedly on the table. We'll be back in a week or two after the NFL Draft, when we'll dive into mock-draft season and bring you our exclusive coverage of the funniest names and coolest jersey numbers of the 2020 (21?) season. HAVE A GREAT SOCIAL DISTANCING EVERYBODY!!!!
What’s up Special Ed? Your boy Kyrie is injured again, for real this time. He’s had a lot of free time the last couple weeks, so he’s been digging deep on some choice election-time conspiracy theories. The rest of us here at the DYM Home Office aren't terribly political, we don't really pay attention to this stuff too much, so we're happy to have Kyrie come by to give us an update. So without further to do DYM proudly presents: KYRIE IRVING'S WOKE WEDNESDAYS: 2020 ELECTION SPECIAL!!!!! Election season is like the Super Bowl for conspiracy theorists. The big-time woke guys like me stay on this grind 24/7/365. But when there’s a national election every dilettante with a lexisnexis account starts jumping on the band wagon. I’m not mad at em tho. I appreciate the help honestly. There’s always a ton of funny business in these elections, it can be tough to keep up with all by yourself. And it’s always juicy cause election shenanigans are the gold-standard of all high level conspiratorial activity. The way I see it, representative democracy is, by definition, the practice of collusion and consolidation of power. There is no such thing as a fair and equitable democracy because majority rule always necessitates a disenfranchised minority. And it is absolutely true when they say the national election is our greatest democratic institution because it is the only opportunity for common people to participate in The Grand Conspiracy. This is when we get to voice our opinion as to who we want to have conspiring on our behalf. I’ve been studying this political bullshit for a long time, but now I feel more qualified than ever to speak on the topic since I recently won an election of my own. That’s right, you’re looking at the new Vice President of the NBA Players Association!!!!! Was the election fixed? You’re goddamn right it was! I ain't no chump. I rigged the shit outta that election. I used every trick in the book. The first thing I did was I made an app that counts votes. Then, at the last union meeting I did this whole thing about, like, "why we can’t just vote online?" I was all like “c’mon it's TWO THOUSAND AND TWENTY why are we still using PAPER ballots?” Then I said some shit about voter registration fraud and enhanced cyber security and boom, now everybody’s gotta use the Kyrie App to vote in the union election. That’s a little trick I picked up just this year from Mayor Pete. A lotta people are saying he’s in the CIA cause the voting app company he made was called “Shadow, Inc.” Granted, the name is suspect like a motherfucker, but actually the scheme isn't that hard to pull off, even without a lot of resources. Plus, the Pete App was kinda janky so the other states figured out pretty quick that it was a scam. To be fair, Mayor Pete is for sure a CIA asset, but he’s not that real deep state Manchurian. Sure, he’s on the board of a neoliberal imperialist think-tank. And, he wrote a press release supporting the American-backed occupation of Somalia. And he’s pretending to be gay for liberal clout. And he joined the Navy in 2009 - two years after he started working with foreign government clients at McKinsey and one year after he took that “vacation” to Somalia. And he was stationed in Afghanistan at Bagram Air Base, the site of the black-site Parwan Detention Facility But that's because he's a trained Naval Intelligence Specialist. Which means that he worked along-side the CIA. Not that he’s IN the CIA. Maybe that's a semantic argument, but I think it's important to be accurate and factual here. If Mayor Pete was a real deep state guy he woulda known that actual voter fraud is just one of the three essential components of a rigged election: First you manipulate the voters with scare tactics. Next you identify your opposition and obstruct their ability to vote. THEN you hack your own software and change the vote counts. The lesson here, for Pete Buttigieg, is that fixing the books may be the most expedient way to corrupt an election but it’s also the riskiest, especially if you haven’t silenced and disenfranchised your dissenters first. The real election fraud veterans like me and Joe Biden know how this shit works. In my players’ union election, the incumbent VP was Pau Gasol, so the scare tactics part was pretty easy. First, I made some racist attack ads. Then, when I’d talk to guys about my platform, I’d always make sure to say something about “foreign election interference” and also say something about how greasy Jose Calderon is, just to feel em out. Then I made a list of everybody that told me to shut the fuck up and I made their apps crash on election night. Ha!! Trust the process, motherfuckers. But my man Biden’s taking it to the whole nother level. Sleepy Joe’s grift game is so strong he don’t even need to campaign, just 100% pure grift. Biden’s an OG election stealer, he’s not fuckin with rinky-dink apps or fake twitter profiles like Pete. He knows the old tricks are still the best tricks. The manipulation phase has been a little tricky so far for Biden. The guy was alive for THE ENTIRE cold war, so he’s got the socialist fear-mongering down pat. But he can’t really speak in public too much, on account of the dementia. So instead he just got all the party bosses to talk that shit on TV and strong arm the local politicians, unions, and church leaders. He's even got the Party Machine strong arming all the other campaigns! Just like the good old days!!! Step two, isolating and suppressing the opposition vote, has been pretty easy so far thanks to all the redistricting in Republican controlled states. There were already fewer polling places and more registration laws in most of these Super Tuesday states, so the opposition came pre-suppressed for your boy. If you guys ever wondered why voters' rights bills NEVER get through the senate, even when it’s all Democrats, now ya know. See that guy James up there talkin about “out-of-order voting machines”? Now that's the shit that really got me to thinkin... Remember those Diebold machines that Dubbya used to steal the 2004 election? The ones they found out had software patches enabling unsecured back-end access? That the company definitely did access DURING the election? And the CEO of the company was a Bush donor and he emailed Bush to say he was “committed to delivering Ohio” for the President? I think about that a lot. And I bet Joe Biden does too. After the 2004 election Diebold got the Al Capone treatment, and were forced to dissolve over some insider trading bullshit. In 2009 they sold off the voting machine business to Electronic Systems & Software (ES&S). The funny thing is, an even more prominent Republican used to be the president of ES&S. Back in 1996 Chuck Hagel left ES&S to run for Nebraska’s recently vacated Senate seat. Nebraska had not elected a Republican Senator in 18 years. Hagel’s opponent, popular Democratic Governor Ben Nelson, was predicted to win by every major poll up until election day, but the heretofore unknown Hagel CRUSHED Nelson by fifteen points. Like I said, I bet Joe Biden thinks about this shit all the time. Iowa wasn’t the only state that rolled out a new voting system this year. As it turns out, South Carolina, Georgia, Virginia, and a whole bunch of other places just got brand new voting machines from… you guessed it… ES&S. And that’s the great thing about these election time conspiracy theories. They’re not even theories, it’s just conspiracy facts. Since elections are largely a public exercise, a lot of the fraud necessarily happen in public view. My point here is that this isn't a 21st century problem. The shady shit politicians do today is the exact same shit they've always been doing. There's nothing new here, it's always been this way. Corruption, collusion and conspiracy are features of our system, not bugs. Democracy is a joke, you guys. Don’t Vote.
GAMBLING SUCKS!! Just thought we should let you guys know that we lost all the league money betting on The Bills and Ravens the last two weeks. Obviously the Bills loss was pretty tough on the whole DYM Household, but losing our Ravens Superbowl futures felt like a way worse beat. The crazy thing is we almost coulda got it all back on Sunday: It was a beautiful day so we took a little woodsy hike along with the Pickle Rick Family. We were commiserating with PR about our losses when he clued us in to a +350 Texans moneyline. Interesting. We checked the ol‘ Faduel app just moments before kickoff and saw the line had gone up to +380 so we SMASHED it. Houston was up 14-0 by the time we hiked back to the car. High-fives all around. Then we got home just in time to see the chipshot Ka’imi field goal making it 24-0. “holy shit,” we said, “it‘s daydrinkin time!!” We went to the kitchen to whip up some cocktails and swaggered back into the TV room just before halftime. The screen read Houston 24 - KC 27. “HOLY SHIT!!” we said. And then it really was daydrinkin time. By the start of the 2nd half our gin and tonics were salty from all the tears. We thought about switching to margaritas but we just didn’t feel like celebrating anymore. Later on Sunday night we promised Cynthia that we’ll never bet on sports again, which is becoming an annual tradition. You just know we’re gonna be back for Superbowl props tho. KYRIE’S BACK!!!!! But life’s not all bad, we got some good news this week too - KYRIE’S BACK!!! Our Nets went on a 2-game winning streak this week after losing 8 of the last 10 non-Kyrie games. He‘s gonna have these guys on pace for a 40 win season in no time.
But first, Our Guy had to come through here for a special off-season Woke Wednesday because his favorite movie of 2019 just got nominated for ALL THE OSCARS. WOKE WEDNESDAYS AT THE MOVIES!!! Joker was my shit. Best movie of the year. Fuck Star Wars, fuck Frozen, fuck that brad pitt race car shit. Joker, motherfuckers. JOKER!!! Fuckin loved Joker. Remember back before Joker came out and people were scared their theater was gonna get shot up by a ”copy cat”? But then it turned out the movie was mostly about a guy with a shitty job who takes care of his mom and talks to a therapist. I mean thats pretty much the same shit I’ve been doing since I moved back to Jersey, so. If you think about it, maybe more of us SHOULD be copycat Jokers, nah mean? Maybe the world’d be a better place if there was more Jokers out there giving their moms baths and shit. Joker is about a dude with strong anti-establishment beliefs and occasionally unsociable behavior,,, we can relate,,, But everybody already knows the joker is a crazy person. This movie is the origin story. They gotta tell us WHY the joker is crazy. There are some red-herrings along the way: his mom is crazy, he’s anxious, his job is stressful, the government cut his social service, he‘s unloved. But the twist that went over every lamestreammedia movie critic’s head is that this is REALLY a movie about Traumatic Brain Injuries. Joaquin Phoenix has a “condition” where he laughs uncontrollably at inopportune times. He carries this card around with him to show people so they won’t kick his ass. Usually they still kick his ass anyway. The important thing about this card is that although the wording is pretty vague (“people with a brain injury or certain neurological conditions“), the film later reveals that he did in fact sustain a massive head injury as a child and THATS the real reason why he’s the craziest fuckin looney toon in the history of comic book characters. The question Joker asks us to consider is: what happens when TBI patients are celebrated for their psychoses? Every NFL fan needs to look in the mirror and ask themselves “What would you do if Ray Lewis went on Stephen Colbert‘s show and just murked him out?” Would we fear him? Or would he become the people’s champion like the Clown Prince of Crime? Our society is rudderless, but if a crazy enough leader appeared, would we follow them into madness??? So the cultural commentary in that subtext is pretty scathing. Way more poignant than Will Smith‘s concussions joint. Joker boldly posits that mental health issues not only effect the patient, but they effect our whole community. Thats because every individual person’s mind is connected to all others through the Universal Consciousness. Our very mental faculties are a product of the collective power of all human minds. That means that whenever any individual’s mind is compromised, whether by demons or by traumatic injury, everyone else around them is necessarily impacted as well. That is the message at the heart of Joker: Just one Traumatic Brain Injury could send our entire society spiraling into chaos. When that day comes, we’re not gonna need some friendly African doctor, we‘re gonna need Batman. HAVE A GREAT OFFSEASON EVERYBODY!! hhh
DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2020 #1 - THE VICTORY LAP!
What's up Special Ed? Defend Your Moves has ascended to the top of the mountain. We have finally captured our THIRD Special Ed title. IT'S A TRILOGY!!! In retrospect, Lamar and McCaffrey was an unbeatable combination, you guys never really had a chance. 🏆🏆🏆 We were actually more excited/nervous about Star Wars Episode IX than about SESB IX. Our team projections looked a lot more promising than the early movie reviews. As it turns out, there was no cause for concern there either. Last year around the same time we realized how amazing Miles Sanders' playoff matchups were we also figured out exactly what was gonna happen in the new Star Wars. Our findings were inscribed right here at DefendYourMoves.com/star-wars. This off-season we'll be updating the DYM Ultimate Star Wars Theory with the final steps of the Hero's Journey and a few deeper insights into Episode IX. But we're not gonna need to make many big changes to what we wrote last year. There were some earth-shattering revelations in TROS, and even though some of them seem to contradict things that happened in previous Star Wars, none of them contradict what we wrote last year. We'll dig into the thematic and symbolic analysis later in the off-season. For now we just want to re-cap our most specific predictions: EPISODE IX PREDICTION RECORD: 9-1 fuck wit me. ✅These films all open with a hooded figure entering a long, empty hallway. This time the hallway is an elevator shaft, but all three entrances are circles, and that's a thing. Kylo's hood is down now, but the person he meets at the end of the tunnel does have a hood over his head. ✅Exactly 9 minutes into each film is a hologram. The other opening scenes in Episode IX are mostly a lot of high-speed action and flying, so we were kinda scared this one wouldn't pay off at first. But there they are - holograms, right on schedule. ✅Next our heroes stand before a monstrously obese and moist looking overlord. That snake wasn't particularly obese, and it doesn't talk. So when we saw TROS the first time we weren't really sure if this creature was the proper Jaba/Boss Nass corollary. Later we realized that Rey healed the snake at the exact same minute when Leia killed Jaba (34'), that confirmed it for us. ❌The heroes have a non-human companion who gets them in trouble while eating purloined food. This is the only one we didn't hit. Unfortunately, there were no snacks whatsoever in The Rise of Skywalker. ✅Then a militia of primitive non-humans helps win a battle against a technologically advanced army. Jannah and her crew are actually humans, and they're not primitives, and they didn't have a catapult. But they do ride buffalos and they live on a moon in the Endor system, so. ✅Pod Racing was hardbody. But for Episode IX they’ll take it to the whole 'nother level. Honestly this scene felt a bit perfunctory and out of place because it didn't happen at the same time as the chase scenes in episodes I and VI. Those two start at the 59th minute, this one is at minute 28. And it really wasn't as cool as podracing. It doesn't seem to do much to move the plot forward and isn't even in the top 5 most spectacular scenes in the movie. So it's interesting to us that this scene made the final cut of the film at all. To us, it's an important scene, because The Magic Flight is one of the most symbolically significant steps of the hero's journey. This is the step where the Hero has already stolen the proverbial fire from the gods, now they must hastily flee to make it back home. One could argue that the frenetic pacing of the first act of TROS suggests that this film itself is The Magic Flight of the entire Skywalker Saga: They're at the home stretch and everybody's just trying to get the fuck outta there. ✅In the end, someone must say goodbye to their family as they prepare to cross the "final threshold." Here's another one that's symbolically the same scene, but got bumped up into the first act of the film where it now also acts as the archetypal "refusal of the return". A TON of shit happens in this movie and almost all of it invokes mythical archetypes and calculated references to the other Star Warses. Episode IX does hit all the same marks we expected, and many many more. The references to Return of The Jedi are perhaps the most obvious (especially the ending), but TROS is jam packed with call-backs to EVERY Star Wars. In The DYM Ultimate Star Wars Theory we pointed out three kinda random scenes that all happen at the exact same time in A New Hope, Revenge of The Sith and The Force Awakens: At 21 minutes a pilot tries to fly a new ship, at 55 minutes there's a snitch ratting out the heroes, and then at 1:25 the heroes are hiding from storm troopers. These aren't the most deeply symbolic synchronicities but knowing that JJ Abrams was trying to reference every Star Wars at some point, we still wanted to see these line up just for funsies. Before we went to look we knew the first one wasn't gonna be there. Of course, all the pilots in TROS fly a lot of different ships, but nobody ever asks "Do you know how to fly this thing?" That kinda makes sense, since at this point everybody should recognize the skills. Instead of that cockpit banter, at 20 minutes into episode IX we get this: KYLO: "There is a spy in our ranks." Cool, cool. The snitch had shown up in episodes IV, III, and VII around the end of the first hour. That's the same time in episode IX where we find our heroes hiding from troopers on Kylo's Star Destroyer. Huh. Obi Wan and Rey's "hiding from troopers" scenes happen about a half hour later in the other films. Instead, at 1:25 in episode IX we see Rey taking her first ride in a tie fighter. But like we said, nobody questions it at this point, Rey is above reproach. ✅✅✅ We're just getting started, here, folks. There's much MUCH more to come. DYM Off-Season is STILL The Internets' #1 Star Wars Theorist!!!!!!!!! HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES SPECIAL ED SUPERBOWL IX PREVIEW!!!!!!!!!
KYLO MURRAY DAYS TIL STAR WARS!!!!!!!!! LETS GOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Episode IX premiered on Monday night in LA. After midnight EST the real-deal spoilers hit the internets, and they did NOT go over well. EVERYBODY on the internet reading these spoilers are HATING THEM. Star Wars twitter is immolating itself, saying the movie they haven’t seen yet is definitively the worst Star Wars ever. This was not entirely unexpected. Ever since Disney took over there’s been a factional split in Star Wars fandom –conservative fans who bemoan the way the OT heroes have changed, and liberal fans who celebrate the sequels’ embrace of the feminine gaze. Over the last couple years the two sides have developed two parallel universes of expectations for Episode IX. But these post-premier tidbits have managed to severely disappoint both sides. According to the DYM Twitter echo chamber: All characters have been assassinated. All dreams have been shattered. Everything that should have happened did not. Everybody’s favorite characters have done the worst thing they could have possibly done. It’s human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together... mass hysteria. And the wildest thing about it right now is that it doesn’t even look like the Russian trolls have jumped in yet. In 2015 the #fandomMenace was largely troll-driven. Now they don’t even have to say shit. The Reylos are just gaslighting themselves out here and, like we said up top, they haven’t even seen the movie yet. Late Monday night we got ahold of some of these purported recaps AND a few blurry cell phone pics before the leakers’ accounts got deleted. They were JUICY. Checked a lot of the boxes for us to be honest. Our point here is that these types of wild over-reactions on the internet are actually really good news for all us Star Wars Guys here in real life. Everybody here in Special Ed Nation is old enough to remember the release of at least two thirds of the Star Warses. So you guys know that literally none of them have been have ever been well received at first by the “fandom.” Every one of the prequels was largely considered to be a “bad” movie for various reasons. Then, The Force Awakens gave critics a “good” movie but Old-Time Star Wars Guys criticized it for being an unoriginal knock-off of A New Hope. Then, of course, The Last Jedi was and still is the most polarizing Star Wars of all. But Here’s The Thing: People are fucking stupid. They don’t know what’s good. Star Wars was popularly hated on way before there was an internet. Not to say that people in the 80's and 90’s, generally speaking, weren’t idiots, but there is a new breed of very special idiot that exists today that may have not been as visible in the past. Nowadays, modern behavioral healthcare allows for a wide array of looneys and maniacs to manage their psychoses and live otherwise unassuming lives. We don’t sequester our crazies behind the stone walls of a sanitarium anymore. Nowadays, we give them counseling, drugs, and internet access, then send em on their way. The funny thing that happens is these maroons probably get a lot of benefit out of counseling. Which is great, but now we got all these fruitcakes walking around thinking it’s worthwhile to talk about how they feel. Which isn’t wrong, but antisocial screwballs generally don’t have a lot of close friends so instead of having private conversations about their nutjob-ass ideas, they write those shits on the internet. People who write shit on the internet aren’t necessarily idiots, but they’re ALL crazy. It’s gonna be ok, you guys. Everybody’s stupid and they don’t know anything. If you guys are out there in the #trosspoilers it’s more important than ever right now to remember our cardinal rule of life: Every Star Wars is Good, so DON’T EVER SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT STAR WARS!!!!!!!!! SPECIAL ED SUPERBOWL IX: THE RISE OF RUSSELL!!!!!!!!! RUSSELL vs RUSSELL THE REMATCH!!!!!!!!! DYM Scholars know that Russell Wilson was our guy. He led our squad to our first Championship in 2014, but hasn’t been on our roster since. Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Then Russell exacted the ultimate Fantasy Revenge in the 2015 Special Ed Superbowl. Deep down we never really got over it, but we’ve done our best to reconcile with the entire Russell community since then. We know we can’t change the past. But everybody can learn from their mistakes, and we have to believe that everybody can change. For the last five years we’ve spread the good word of #RespecYoRussells in hopes of someday earning everyone’s forgiveness. This week our reckoning is at hand. This week one Russell will become a Three Time Special Ed Champion. The other will be left to spend the off-season yelling at Star Wars fans on twitter. But, ya know what? We feel like Special Ed Superbowl IX is not a COMPETITION, it’s a CELEBRATION. There really are no losers when we get a Russell/Russell Superbowl. Are there any NFL Players this year who have been more fun to watch than Russell, Julio, Lamar and C-Mac? There’s NO ONE we’d rather watch this week. This is an event we can all rally around, when a community can come together as one. This is Special Ed Fantasy Football on its grandest stage. So, no matter who wins this matchup, The DYM household will be CELEBRATING this weekend!!!!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🎊🎊🎉🎉🔔🔔🔔🔔🎊🎊🎉🎉🥳🥳🥳🥳 We’re gonna gather close with friends and family and enjoy this weekend because The Bills clinched the Playoffs, our cousin Keri is in the new Star Wars, our best friend is gonna have a baby (maybe they’ll name her Russell??), and the dreidels will be SPINNIN!!!!!!!!! It’s a beautiful time to be alive, you guys. LETS GO. HAVE A HAPPY HANUKKAH EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2019 WILDCARD PLAYOFF RECAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CARNAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit, everybody got injured this week. TEN guys on Special Ed playoff teams went down this week and are questionable or worse going forward: Dak - hand Mike Evans - hammy Mark Andrews - knee Derrick Henry - hammy Patty Mahomes - hand Jared Cook - bell rung Lamar Jackson - quad Calvin Ridley - tummy Rashaad Penny - knee Miles Sanders - hammy (ok. he's back, thank god) Marvin Jones - ankle That's a 1.7 injury per team average this week, and we’re only counting playoff rosters and that doesn’t even include the bench zeros like Lev Bell, Theilen and James Conner. GOOD FUCKIN LUCK to all the semi finals contenders. WILDCARD PLAYOFF RECAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TEAM MEH vs ALVIN & THESHITMUNKS “Garbage time giveth and garbage time taketh away.” As we predicted, Team Meh took advantage of some great matchups and The TheShitmunks were overwhelmed by some tough ones. But in retrospect it’s crazy that Team Meh won this game so handily cause for just a minute there it seemed like it was gonna go the other way. The TheShitmunks started the week with some decent garbage time action from Dak and Amari, then got an early Mike Evans TD. By about 2:30 Sunday afternoon Team Meh looked beat: Mark Andrews was OUT with one catch for 14 yards, Mike Thomas had about 20 yards, Chubb had less than 10, and Watson was having a worse game than Dak - trailing the Broncos 31-3. But the tables turned after halftime. Within the next hour Mike Evans went out, while Thomas and Chubb each had 50+ yard plays and Watson had his first of three TDs. The TheShitmunks were still in it all the way up until the Witching Hour when Watson and Golladay both scored late garbage time TDs in the final minutes. Tobin was conceding defeat by 4:00. Team Meh moves on to face a battered DefendYourMoves.com squad who may have lost 4 starters to injury this week. Meh won their only regular season meeting this year, and beat DYM in their only postseason matchup in 2017. PICKLE RICKS vs BOB BITCH TITS For the second straight week Yahoo had Pickle Ricks as 20 point underdogs, and for the second straight week they pulled off the biggest upset of the season. Aaron Jones was the only Packer who scored any fantasy points this week, and the only Packer not on Doug’s roster. Green Bay had maybe the best matchup of the week on paper, but Doug’s three Packers combined were outscored by Raheem “The Most” Mostert. They should have been done for by 4:00 just like Tobin. But then a big BIG game from Derrick Henry and a small game from Mahomes gave BBT the lead with 5 minutes remaining in the late games. When the Patriots took the field for the game’s final drive Henry was done for the day and Pickle Ricks needed only one more Edelman catch for the win. Edelman got that one catch and gave PR a .74 point lead. Their miracles never cease. As it is written in Genesis 1:31 - The Fantasy Gods saw everything that they had made, and, behold, it was very good. This is the third Wildcard round win for Pickle Ricks, but they have never been to a Special Ed Superbowl. Only one team has ever beaten Doug in week 14 and that team went on to win the SESB that year (2016 Randall Cummingham). THE 2nd ANNUAL SPECIAL ED BYE WEEK DFS INVITATIONAL The only week 14 matchup hanging in the balance Monday Night was the bye week DFS showdown between Pauls Awesome Team and DefendYourMoves.com. Neither of us fielded powerhouse rosters but DYM pulled a rabbit out of their hat with Higbee on Sunday night. Paul would need 15 from Wentz to pull out the win. Wentz was terrible for three quarters but then, that accursed beast called Garbage Time reared its ugly head once again. Late in the 3rd quarter Wentz was sitting at 130 yards and 0 TDs and Philly trailed by 14. We were cruising. When Miles Sanders went into the locker room with a leg injury, we think we had a stroke and lost consciousness for about 40 minutes. When we came to Paul was down by 5.38 and Wentz was lining up for first and goal from the 1. Pass to Ertz. Touchdown. Game over. Unreal. What a fucked up week, you guys. We cant fuckin wait til Star Wars. We’ll be back later this week to find out Whos Hot?! And break down all the Semi-Final and Constellation Tournament matchups. HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE 2019 DYM AWARDS AND WILDCARD PLAYOFF MATCHUPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OF OUR 2019 DEFEND YOUR MOVES AWARD WINNERS!!!!!!!!! For only the second time ever we had a TIE in the award voting. This is also the second time a D/ST has won a DYM Award. The Pats D were the unanimous pickup of the year (100% of votes), and they were clearly the most valuable fantasy player of at least the first half of the season. We even voted for them, but just because love putting logos and mascots in the awards photo. WHOS HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Douggy Tacos had the league's highest score in week 13. They’re the second highest scoring team over the last three weeks which puts them in the catbird seat heading into the wildcard round. The team has scored over 120 four weeks in a row which coincides with a four game hot streak for Derrick Henry. They’re the talk of the fantasy town right now, even the lame stream media is taking notice: WILDCARD PLAYOFF MATCHUPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 12-5 TEAM MEH vs. ALVIN & THESHITMUNKS It’s an original Special Ed member vs the upstart new guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These are the two least predictable teams in the league. Over the last 6 weeks they both have scored over 130 three times but both have multiple games under 100. Last week Team Meh scored 127 but lost. That’s ok cause the loss didn't affect their seeding. The other good news is Chris Carson wasn’t benched and wasn’t concussed last night (we coulda swore he was tho). So they enter the Wildcard Round at full strength and with much better matchups coming for Chubb and Golladay. They’ve also wisely stockpiled some great streaming QB options for the playoff run. If he wants to fade Deshaun he’s got Brissett vs Tampa or Wentz vs The Giants. The TheShitmunks have been completely matchup dependant this year. They have not scored over 100 points with less than 3 greenlight yahoo matchups since week 5. This week, none of their starters have greenlight matchups. Their most important players - Dak and Amari - have the worst matchups of all, going on the road to Chicago on THURSDAY. They may look to bench Drake and Odell after they choked in their revenge game against Team DYM, but we don’t think it’ll be enough. TEAM MEH WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PICKLE RICKS!! vs. 🧽 BOB BITCH TITS The HOTTEST team in the league vs The Team of Destiny!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pickle Ricks’ magic carpet ride continued in week 13. Even with a goose egg from Lockett, they still got a statement win against the former-juggernaut PAT. They’ve now won 7 of their last 8 games behind perhaps the greatest Fantasy Defense this league has ever seen. This week’s 118 was their highest score since week 9, and their Heat Index is a tepid 0.92, but their opponents always seem to score even less. Even in this highly competitive and high scoring Special Ed season it’s still much better to be lucky than good. James Conner is still injured, but last week’s pickup of the week, Raheem Mostert, came through once again. At least for one week Mostert seems to have matriculated up the Niner depth chart from the “TD Vulture” position to the full “Starting RB” role. The big question is whether Mostert will keep that job when Matt Breida returns. Breida could be back this week which would add a VERY interesting wrinkle to this playoff matchup. If Breida and Hooper play this week it’ll be just the second time since week 4 that Doug’ll have less than three 0’s on the bench. Bye week season was difficult for this team but they're rolling now. Hooper and Breida probly can’t start for them this week anyway; both have tough week 14 matchups, and all of the starters have very good ones. Plus Devante Parker is red hot, averaging 22 points per game over the last four. Doug is a two time Special Ed champion, and always one of the scariest teams to face in the post-season. We think they’ll score a buncha points again this week, but we dare not pick against the Fantasy Gods’ favorite team. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BYE WEEK DFS SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs. DEFEND YOUR MOVES Last year we did a little something special for the week 14 bye, and we hope it becomes an annual tradition. The league’s top two teams will faceoff in a friendly head-to-head Yahoo DFS game. The bye week is great because your guys get some rest before the most important game(s) of the year. But savvy fantasy managers know a bye week is not a week off, because there's a fine line between rest and RUST. So, in order to maintain our focus and keep our blades sharp, we’ll test our mettle against the league's top competitor. Paul might beat our ass cause we haven't played any daily fantasy this season and we know he’s been grinding all season long. Hopefully he’ll play a bunch of his AWESOME guys this week. We’ll have full coverage of this epic matchup once our lineups lock in later in the week. JARED GOFF DAYS TIL STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOOD BEEF PRESENTS: THE BAGEL SUPERBOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another successful Food Beef season came to a close last week with the Bagel Superbowl. The pre-season favorite, Chatham Bagel, went wire-to-wire and was crowned Madison-Area Bagel Champion. But the late-season competition was much stiffer than we had anticipated, and our esteemed panel of judges had a lot of tough calls to make these last few weeks. Big shout out to Cynthia, The Commish, Amari, Dave and MB for their invaluable contributions. We couldn't have done it without you guys!!! For Superbowl week we went back to full sandwich orders. We got two sandwiches from each shop: one whole wheat everything with Taylor ham, egg, and cheese; and one poppy with lox, cream cheese, tomatoes, and capers. Most judges preferred Summit’s WWE sandwich. Although they have a bigger hole, the dough is much darker and richer with less sugar. Chatham’s lox sandwich on poppy was the highest scored sandwich overall. The lox and tomatoes were just as soft as the dough making for a satisfyingly consistent texture. In the end the real winner of the bagel tour was The DYM household. We found two perfectly cromulent bagel spots in our neighborhood that we’ll enjoy for years to come. Chatham Bagel and Summit Bagel are also the area’s newest bagel spots so the future is looking bright for all the bagel eaters of eastern Morris County. BAGEL SUPERBOWL FINAL SCORES: CHATHAM 9.025 SUMMIT 8.975 HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2019 DEFEND YOUR MOVES AWARDS NOMINEES!!! PLUS WEEK 13 MATCHUPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We made it, folks. This is the last week of the regular season. This time every year DYM likes to take a look back and celebrate the very best moves and movers of 2019. That’s right, folks, ITS THE 2019 DYM AWARDS!!!!!!!! The DYM Award voting polls are NOW OPEN!!! CLICK THIS LINK TO MAKE YOUR VOICE HEARD Every year we honor the season's Best Draft Values, Best Free Agent Pickups, and Special Ed’s top dumpster diver - The DYM MVP. Now, without further to do, here are this year's nominees: BEST PICKUP (best undrafted player) DJ Chark - Chark was supposed to have been like the third WR on the Jaguars. Now he’s a top 10 WR and an every week fantasy starter. Pats Defense - Pats D is the #14 player in all of fantasy. Their 196 points is more than every WR except Michael Thomas and Chris Godwin. They are solely responsible for all nine of Paul’s wins. Mark Andrews - MAndrews is the #3 TE and a top 40 player overall. He could be an every-week starter for Team Meh in the playoffs. Terry Mclaurin - The top rookie WR and week 2 pickup of the week. BEST DRAFT VALUE Lamar Jackson (8) - Lamar is the #1 fantasy QB by a lot. He's on pace to pass for 3000 and run for 1000 yards this year. Nobody’s ever done that ever. just bananas. Russell Wilson (9) - Russell is the #2 QB which is great value for the 9th round. Chris Godwin (5) - The #2 WR in fantasy was drafted in the 5th round. Too bad PHP couldn't capitalize on this draft steal. Dak Prescott (12) - Dak is the #4 QB overall. Tobin drafted Dak as a backup QB. We don’t usually think it’s worthwhile to draft 2 QBs in this league, but it sure paid off this time. DYM MVP Dave Fay - The reigning DYM MVP has harnessed the will of the Fantasy Gods. He’s been unbeatable the last few weeks despite averaging less than 100 points per game. He’s stayed afloat thanks to a plethora of scrappy pickups like Mostert, Crowder, Frank Gore, and Carlos Hyde Russ Bernstein - Most moves in the league, 6 years in a row*. Drafted the #1 player of all time in the 8th round. Pulled off two big trades. And illuminated the mysteries of Fantasy Football Mythopoeia. Fox News’ Mike Tobin - The new guy has made the 2nd fewest moves this year but has been a top contributor in the text chain, traded for a superstar WR and is a huge upgrade over [REDACTED]. Rob Schwartz - Second most moves. Best team name of 2019. All of his starting RBs are undrafted. Blockbuster trade in week 3. *Rob tied us for most moves in 2017. WHOS HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Big shout out to Crazy Sharon. Credit where credit’s due- Jarvis was a great pickup for last week, and dropping Wentz must’ve been hard even though he doesn't look like the greatest keeper right now anyway. They’re the second HOTTEST team coming into another crucial matchup in week 13. This team was under 100 points 5 weeks in a row (weeks 6-10), but they’ve really turned it on down the stretch. Their 152 in week 12 was the league-high score, and it elevated them above Dougy Tacos in the Whos Hot?! standings. Rob needs to win or have Doug lose to make the playoffs. AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHARON ERTZ vs BRING IT ON HOME AGoTW Prediction Record: 12-4 Its “Win and youre in” for Sharon Ertz!!! Were gonna keep all these previews short and sweet. We don't wanna keep you guys from the holiday festivities or from the DYM Award polls. Rob is still undefeated when Zach Ertz scores more than 10 fantasy points. The Eagles play Miami this week so it looks like this ones a wrap!!! SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAS NOTHING vs TEAM MEH Meh picked up Wentz for that Miami matchup. That'll help, but if Carson gets benched they’re done for. I HAS NOTHING WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! PICKLE RICKS vs PAT Pickle Ricks could move up to third with a win. Paul is gonna roll over again this week cause hes locked in to the top 2 so it's basically an extra bye week. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! PHP vs THE COMMISH These two are playing for pride. But theyll also be taking notes, as they will likely face off again next week in the Constellation Tournament. PHP WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALVIN & THESHITMUNKS vs DEFEND YOUR MOVES This year were flexing Thanksgiving dinner time into the early time slot so the family can all gather around The Bills game at 4:30. Tobin and us each have a buncha guys going on Thursday, but we’re just giving thanks for not having to watch Bears Lions this year. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!! DONT FORGET TO VOTE FOR THE 2019 DYM AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
24 DAYS TIL STAR WARS!!! LETS GO!!!!!!!!! We’re counting down to Star Wars by celebrating 2019’s best Fantasy Football Players with jersey numbers under 25!!!!! Today’s Star Wars Countdown Player of The Day is: NICK CHUBB!!! The whole DYM staff are big Chubbies. We love Chubb. He’s #2 in the NFL in rushing yards this year and the best player on Special Ed The Team. In the other league, we drafted Chubb in the 9th round last year and got to keep him for this year. The Commish loved Chubb in college, so we were all over him last summer. We had to wait a long time for him last year but it was worth it! The Commish is a fantasy genius now because Chubb was maybe our best draft pick ever in that league. He’s crushing for us in that non-ppr, no-bonus league. Chas Carey tried to trade us his whole damn team for Chubb in week 10, we said HEELLLLLL NO. Chubb is our guy and he may have just punched our ticket to the postseason. We came into the week in 7th place at 6-5. This week we’ve got 131 on the board with BAL Defense and MAndrews left to go tonight. A league high score would move us all the way up to 4th, and make us the other league’s hottest team. You’re the man, Chubb. DUMPSTER DIVER OF THE WEEK: Pickle Ricks aka The Team of Destiny!!!!!!!!!!!! TOTAL MOVES: 17 (ok) PICKUP OF THE WEEK: Raheem Mostert We haven't done the Dumpster Diver award since week 6. This league is only averaging about 17 moves a week since then, which is pretty sluggish. But the bigger reason is there haven't really been any game winning pickups. Back in week 10 there were 24 moves, which is good, but most of them were defenses and kickers and none of the position players were difference makers for their teams that week. If anything we could nominate Sharon Ertz as a retroactive DDoTW for picking up Ronald Jones a few weeks ago. Ronny was a crucial piece of their huge week 12 win. But the best is when somebody can pickup a guy on Sunday morning and then start them for the win. That's exactly what Pickle Ricks pulled off this week. Fortune favors the bold so the Fantasy Gods smiled upon Fay for running Mostert out there against The Commish’s Tevin Coleman. That's a high-leverage play right there. Mostert is one of the league’s elite TD vultures and most of his TDs should be Coleman’s. Last night was the third time Mostert has outscored Coleman this year, and locked up the win for PR. They probably won’t break 100 this week, which wont help their Heat Index but believe you me, this is The 2019 Team of Destiny. They will now officially clinch the playoffs after winning 6 of the last 7 and could finish as high as 3rd place. We’re tellin you guys, THIS IS DAVE'S YEAR!!!!! He has not been in 3rd place or had 8 wins, since 2014. If he can beat Paul’s frigid ass next week it will be Fay’s winningest Special Ed season ever. There are two superstar ballers on this team, but Fay has rarely been able to start both in the same week. Thats why its so huge that they’ve locked in a playoff spot. Now they can let Mahomes and Conner get an extra week of rest so they're ready to go for week 14. Pickle Ricks could end up as the lowest scoring playoff team this year but also, somehow, the hardest team to beat. MONDAY MATCHUPS!!!!!!!!!!!! None!!! Doug needs 30 from Cooks to beat Rob, that ain't happening. We’re probably gonna watch The Mandalorian again. We said last year that we were ready for a new favorite Star Wars in 2019, but we had no idea it was gonna be The Mandalorian. We’ve been pretty locked in on the Episode IX theories, so Mando was slightly of off our radar. But holy shit. So good. FOOD BEEF PRESENTS: THE 2019 BAGEL TOUR PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!!! SUMMIT BAGEL vs JERSEY BOY BAGELS This week we have our old-time favorite, Jersey Boy of Morristown, versus the upstart new-comer Summit Bagel. Maribeth was OUT this week so we picked up The Commish as a new guest judge. This week’s bagels: Whole wheat everything, pumpernickel, and egg Jersey Boy once again failed to impress any of the judges. All of their bagels were too dense and missed the mark on flavor: There’s too much sugar in the WWE. That sweetness is a big turnoff for Cynthia. The Commish spotted a hint of turmeric flavor and a blotchy orange color in the egg bagel. Totally bush league. Summit Bagel is good. They’re more like the “New York Style” bagel with a lot of air in the dough so you can smush them flat when they're toasted. All their bagels have good crusts, good dough, and good flavor, the egg in particular. Maulbeck named Summit’s egg bagel as the week 12 Taco Bell Bagel of The Week. The crust was crusty and the dough was very sticky but also very light. And tasyty! We had a little cream cheese shmere on that one and it was just a delight!!! Next week the Bagel Superbowl will be the grudge match of Summit Bagel vs Chatham Bagel!!! THE BATTLE FOR BROADWAY DINER!!!!! HAVE A GREAT MONDAY NIGHT EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!
DYM AT THE MOVIES: Ford v Ferari!!!!!!!!!!! DYM & THE COMMISH MOVIE SCORE: 2 Thumbs UP!! The Commish and us are on a 2-game winning streak in the other league, so we celebrated by checking out this new Christan Bale flick. And we loved it!! Just a solid feel-good film for the whole family (rated PG-13 for cheeky British cuss words). Director James Mangold (Walk the Line, 3:10 to Yuma, Logan) hit all the fairy tale plot points and overt symbolism like he was auditioning for Benioff and Weiss’s old Star Wars job. Like, there's a man on fire in the first scene. Then another guy catches on fire right in the middle of the second act - right before the proverbial “Atonement with The Father” scene. I mean, they are checking ALL the boxes: There’s cool ‘60’s outfits, fast cars, and Christian Bale making all sorts of funny faces. And it’s got wall-to-wall great acting performances, including that guy from Walking Dead, that guy from Homeland, and that guy from that other thing. Their characters were all so great that we kinda feel bad for Matt Damon. He was one of the worst actors in the movie and the only one who had to do an accent. Christian Bale getting to play a British guy is just unfair. Great movie tho, check it out!! FOOD BEEF PRESENTS: THE 2019 BAGEL TOUR PLAYOFFS: Semifinal #1 CHATHAM BAGEL vs. MORRISTOWN BAGEL & DELI The bagel playoffs are a head-to-head bagel-off format: We select three bagels from each shop and serve them to our esteemed panel of judges at the DYM home office. The Judges score each bagel blindly (Pepsi-challenge style). We all sample each bagel with shmeres of plain cream cheese, veggie cream cheese or peanut butter. This week’s selections were: marble rye, cinnamon raisin, and whole wheat everything. Chatham Bagel entered the competition as the overall favorite, and Morristown B&D was a total unknown. MoTown took us by surprise the first time and took home the #1 regular season bagel sandwich score. But Chatham Bagel’s reputation is unimpeached so we still didn’t expect this round to be as close as it was. MoTown brought their A-game, and we really enjoyed everything they had but it was not quite enough. All the judges had the ryes and cinnamon raisins at a near dead-heat, but the WWEs were the clear differentiator that put Chatham ahead. Chatham’s WWE was truly flawless, and rightly earned 10s from two judges. The bagel dough was soft, sticky and tasty; and the crust was hard and jam packed with seeds - including just the right amount of salt. Chatham’s average score was still below 9.0 because of one fatal flaw with the rye: All four judges agree that while we like a good amount of caraway flavor we don’t like whole caraway seeds in the dough. That leaves the door open for either of next week’s semifinalists to take down Chatham in Thanksgiving’s Bagel Superbowl. Both Summit Bagel and Jersey Boy got into the playoffs on the strength of their perfectly cromulent ryes, so this competition is still far from over. PLAYOFF SCENARIOS!!!!!!!!!!!! The next two weeks will be the most contentious season finale this league has ever seen: There have never been three 10-win teams in any season in Special Ed History. But there is an incredibly clear path this year - Tobin beats Team Meh and DYM, and PAT loses to DYM and beats Pickle Ricks. There are four teams who have clinched the playoffs and they’re all within 2 games of 2nd place with 2 games left to play. Four real, legit contenders. That means the week 14 bye is more important this year than ever before, because nobody’s gonna want to face these guys in the first round of the playoffs. There’s always a couple teams fighting for their playoff lives this time of year. This year Stanley, Rob and Doug have yet to seal their postseason fate and two playoff spots remain. So any of them could, theoretically, land anywhere from 4th to 7th. We can thank the Fantasy Gods for all this standings-volatility. For it has been made possible by sublimely poetic scheduling; wherein our current 10th place team (PHP) will play his last two games against the two teams tied with him at 2-9, while the 1st place team (PAT) finishes with games against the current #2 and 3 teams. Every game in the next two weeks will shake up the standings. Every contender controls his own destiny. No one knows what will happen next. All we know is WHOS HOT?!?!?! WHOS HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! PAT, the most frigid icy cold team in this league, is still clinging to first place. Bad news for them is the Patriots D has two more tough-ish matchups left before the playoffs. Pats D is averaging 7.5 points per game over the last two games after averaging 21.5 per game before week 9. PAT has plummeted back to earth in those recent weeks. They’re averaging a relatively pedestrian 123.83 over the last 3. The door is now very officially OPEN for the other locked-in playoff teams to sneak into 1st or 2nd. DYM, The TheShitmunks, and The Pickle Ricks have all had the look of a Team of Destiny at some point this year. Now, they are the three HOTTEST teams in the league, and all three get a shot at PAT in the final three weeks. Tobin already got his “upset” in week 11. PAT is now running ICE COLD at this critical point in the season. If they take these next two losses as well then the league will look very different than it did just a few weeks ago. KEEPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before we get to the big BIG week 12 matchups, we wanted to give everybody a friendly reminder about next year’s keeper situation. (We were a little unear ourselves so we chopped it up with the Commish) Special Ed League’s 2019 keeper rules state that a player drafted in the 8th round or later, and were never dropped or traded, can be kept for next year. Each team can only keep a maximum of one player. A keeper’s cost will be your draft pick in the same round the player was drafted in the previous year (ie if you choose to keep a player you drafted in the 10th round, you will skip your 10th round pick next year). This is a decision you don’t really have to make until August, but it’s also something we all should be mindful of as we make moves in these last few weeks of the season. As of week 12 Tobin, Andy, Doug, and Paul still have more than one potential keeper on the roster, and only Mike Stanley has none. A Lot can change before next season, but these all look like pretty good values to us at this point. We’re pretty amazed that there are 3 RBs on this list and none of them are Darrius Guice. A viable late round RB is an extremely rare and valuable asset. These years, even the rookie RBs are off the board well before the 8th round so Hunt, Singletary, and Breida could be absolute steals for 2020. Here's the List: Doug: AJ Green (8), Matt Breida (10), Kareem Hunt (14) Tobin: Robby Anderson (8), Butker (11), Dak (12) Andy: Kylo Murray (8), Larry Fitzgerald (9) Paul: Russell Wilson (9), Devin Singletary (10) DYM: Lamar Jackson (8) Rosenberg: Manny Sanders (9) Dave: Justin Tucker (10) Matt: Evan Engram (10) Rob: Carson Wentz (8) Stanley: (none) AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK: SHARON ERTZ vs 🔥 I HAS NOTHING 🔥!!!!!!!!!!!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 11-4 The Battle For The Last Playoff Spot!!!!!!!!!!!! Rob and Doug are tied at 5-6 and Doug has about an 80 point tie break advantage. That’s not insurmountable given how wacky the scoring has been this year. But we’re not even thinking about those points cause Rob’s just gonna win both of the next two and cruise into the playoffs. Doug’s gonna lose this week because he’s got that Packers stack going up against the Niners. Then he’s gonna shoot himself in the foot by starting Niners D against his own guys. And he’s still starting a Dolphin. Rob is STILL undefeated when Zach Ertz scores 10 or more fantasy points, and winless when Zach scores less than ten. The good news for them is the next two matchups for Ertz are ripe: Seattle has faced 6 TEs who got at least six targets (which is about Zach’s floor), and 5 of them scored at least 12 fantasy points. Then in week 13 Philly plays the Dolphins. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! BRING IT ON HOME vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS Andy benched Kyler AGAIN last week. He’s gonna keep Kyler and then draft Sam Darnold next year isnt he? Goddamn it Andy POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! TEAM MEH vs ALVIN & THESHITMUNKS MIKE vs MIKE!!! It's the AGoTW runner-up!!!!!!!!!!!! Right off the bat we wanna pick Tobin cause he’s HOT and he’s got the eye of the tiger right now, but this is a tough matchup. Both these teams have all their key starters available. Both will start 3 WRs and a TE. And they will have nearly even yahoo projections. Tobin’s Cowboy stack could be in for a tough week on the road at New England. Amari Cooper has only had more than 50 yards in one road game this year (@NYG week 9), that was also the only Amari road game where The TheShitmunks scored over 111 points. At 6 wins, Team Meh needs one more win to clinch, and they cannot get a bye. But with a 130 point cushion over Doug (and 300 over Rob), it’s very unlikely that they miss the playoffs. The Whos-Hot-O-Meter says Mike Stanley is ICE COLD, but he’s had a stud player on bye each of the last three weeks. They’re at full strength for only the second time since week 6, so this could be a bounce-back game opportunity. The bounce-back should start with Watson, he’s scored less than 15 three other times this year and followed them all up with at least 27 the next week. Plus, Nick Chubb, A-Rob, and Mike Tom all have super smash greenlight matchups this week. TEAM MEH WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! PICKLE RICKS vs AMBASSADOR OF SAQUON Despite some shitty injury luck, Dave’s just been chugging along all year long. He’s been periodically playing without Conner and/or Mahomes since week 7, but still managed to get a win 5 of the last 6 weeks. Week 12 is Mahomes bye, and Conner’s probably out again. But the good news is he catches The Commish on Hill and Gordon’s bye and Manny Sanders probably won't play either so The Commish will likely have to dumpster dive for a starting WR. Survive and advance, baby. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! DEFEND YOUR MOVES vs PAULS AWESOME TEAM FIRST PLACE IS ON THE LINE!!! It's the AGoTW second runner-up!!!!!!!!!!!! PAT’s recent slump actually goes much deeper than just the Patriots D matchups. Russell, Kupp, and Julio have all hit slumps of their own, each only having 1 good game over the last 5 weeks. Leonard Fournette’s usage has trended down over the last three weeks, so Aaron Jones looks to fill the RB1 slot this week with Dalvin on bye. Unfortunately, Aaron’s got that buzzsaw matchup with the Niners. Our guys don’t really have good matchups this week either but, I don't know, I think we got this. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!
FANTASY FOOTBALL MYTHOPOEIA Fantasy Football is bullshit. It’s like 90% luck and 10% skill. The very idea that somebody can be “good at fantasy football” is truly a myth. But, still, it’s nice to believe that we actually have some control over this stupid game which is why mythopoeisis is such a vital practice for every successful fantasy player. “Mythopoeia” is the act of making mythology or imbuing a narrative with mythological symbolism. It’s something a lot of writers and filmmakers do quite intentionally since mythical narratives tend to be psychologically satisfying for the audience. Moreover, as we argued in The Ultimate Star Wars Theory, mythopoeia is also something most people tend to do everyday when they think about their own lives. Everyone tells themselves a story about their own life, it’s one of the basic ways that people make sense of the world. We create a narrative wherein we understand the otherwise random events of each moment to be causally related to, or understood through the prism of, all the events before them. Everyday we write ourselves a story about where we’ve been in the past because it helps us see why we are where we are right now. The story is the meaning of our life. Likewise, in fantasy, when we say “this guy’s a workhorse” or “that guy’s a sleeper”, those are narratives, they are fantasy football myths. We all know how random and unpredictable the game is, but we need to believe that what we’ve seen in the weeks and seasons before will have some bearing on what will happen next. So we construct narratives around players that explain their past performance and portend something about their chances of future success. In this way, everything we do here at DYM - the premature assessments, the nonsensical characters, the made up statistics - should help guide you through the proverbial Thesis, Antithesis, and Synthesis of season-long roster management. A fantasy football season is an ostensibly easy vehicle for a “Hero’s Journey”-type tale because There are exactly 17 steps in Joseph Campbell's monomyth formula and the last one is a victory celebration. Then in fantasy football there’s exactly 16 matchups to play and only one Hero who gets to celebrate in week 17. The First Act of the season (weeks 1-4) is marked by confusion. At first, we struggle to understand each season’s fantasy landscape - what teams are good? Who has upside? Which players have particular roles in their offense? In this first stage we mostly imagine what our team might be as the statistics and storylines coalesce around us. In The Second Act (weeks 5-12) we think about our team more rationally. We should make more informed decisions (eg better pickups and trades), but our minds often wander in the dog-days. So we also indulge in farcical characters and topics (like movie and food reviews). In the Third Act (the playoffs) we must reconcile everything we’ve learned along the journey thus far. By playoff time we should clearly understand our teams’ strengths and weaknesses, and leverage this knowledge for maximum HOTNESS down the stretch. So in this way, we try to conceptualize our season as a single cohesive narrative comprised of 16 seperate weekly plot points that we try to repeat every year. But the 16 steps are essential. We have to play every week, so we will experience each of the steps at one point or another. Our ultimate goal is to win weeks 14,15 and 16, so to win a championship it is necessary that we progress through the steps in the correct order. That's because not all of the steps are positive steps-forward, in fact there is only one place in The Journey where the hero has three consecutive successes, which just happens to be steps 14, 15, and 16. You don’t want to find yourself on “The Road of Trials” or in “The Belly of the Whale” at the end of the season, ideally you wanna get through those before the trade deadline. Therefore, as it has been said many times before: Dumpster Dives, Food Beef, Whos Hot?! The three halves of DYM. They coexist like the yin/yang. For one cannot get HOT without first making moves, just as we cannot watch games without eating wings. Over the years we’ve refined the format of our regularly scheduled DYM content to better synchronize it with the natural narrative arc of the season. For instance - Power Rankings now happen only once and always in week 4 so that they represent the First Threshold, and the end of the First Act of the season. The trade deadline naturally occurs in week 10 in our league, which appears in the image above directly across from week 1. Although we have 10 weeks to make trades, “Trade Season” actually comprises exactly half of the season’s journey and the trade deadline (week 10) is the polar opposite of week 1. Since trades (and “moves”) are our primary focus at DYM, we used this same natural model for two other essential recurring DYM pieces: Food Beef and Whos Hot?! ”Whos Hot?! Season” always runs from weeks 8-16 as to occupy the second half of the season in its entirety. We have Food Beef only from Week 3 until week 12. So “Food Beef Season” also comprises exactly half of the season’s journey. It's also significant that we chose weeks 3 and 12 for the non sequitur feature as Campbell’s third step is “Refusal of the Call” and the twelfth is “Refusal of the Return”, so these are (like weeks 1 and 10) coincident opposites. These steps are also known to be tense and fraught, making us prone to mistakes. It’s usually best to just not pay attention to football those weeks. This season’s trade deadline was this past Saturday. So the dog-days of the season are over and there are only three weeks left until we cross the “Third Threshold” that is the playoffs. Who among us has now reached Apotheosis and taken possession of The Ultimate Boon? To find out, let’s take a look at WHOS HOT?!?!?! WHOS HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well, folks, Fox News’ Mike Tobin is a contender for real!!!!! He's now the second highest scorer on the season and 2nd highest over the last 3 weeks and he’s HOTTT!!! He’s also as good as clinched now after locking in that crucial 7th win in week 10. But there’s no time for Tobin to rest on his laurels because each of his next three games could all be playoff matchup previews: This week he’s got the juggernaut PAT, then 4th place Team Meh next week, and 2nd place DYM in the regular season finale. MAN, we can't wait for that one. Don’t know about Tobin, but we’re about to get trap-gamed the next two straight weeks cause we’re very much looking ahead to that Big Week 13 matchup. AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK: Sharon Ertz vs Team Meh!!!!!!!!!!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 10-4 One team looking for their 7th win, the other trying to avoid the dreaded 7th loss. Team Meh’s “run it back” draft strategy is playing out just as we expected. 5 players from last year’s Team Meh are still on the roster now (Peterson, Robinson, Theilen, Thomas, and Rivers), but overall this has been a poor man’s version of 2018 Team Meh. Poetically, the second act of this season has, so far, had the same basic narrative as last year: In both seasons they put up big BIG scores early in the season before collapsing around week 7. The good news is their RB situation won’t be as dire as last year once byes are over; the bad news is that they still only have 6 wins, and all their remaining games are against playoff contending teams. We like Rob here because Team Meh has 5 redlight matchups and Carson on bye. They’ve also had ZERO’s in the lineup two of the last three weeks, so the collapse is real. Ertz Squad has some horses this week too: This could be a Fantasy Revenge Game for Sammy Watkins who could have been a keeper for Meh were he not dropped for Rapper/WR Cole Beasley in week 9. Also, DJ Moore is heating up lately, and Diggs has just gotta be due for a big game right about now. Sharon Ertz is averaging over 30 points less than Team Meh. But Rob won this matchup in week 2, and outscored Meh in week 9, and he’s about 1% hotter so he’s gonna win this one too. SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!! Pickle Ricks!! vs Bring It On Home PR is finally back to full strength with Mahomes and Conner. Plus your old boy Jared Cook is back! Hey how bout that? PICKLE RICKS!!! WINS!!!!!!!!!!! Polk High Panthers vs 🔥 i has nothing 🔥 Doug’s starting Josh Allen this week!!! LETS GO!!!!! DOUGGY TACOS WINS!!!!!!!!!!! Paul’s Awesome Team vs Alvin & TheShitmunks Tobin is hot right now and Paul is not. But one of the few ways a cold team can overcome a hot one is if the hot team falls into a ... TRAP GAME!!! PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS!!!!!!!!!! DefendYourMoves.com🥯 vs Ambassador of SaQuon ITS THE SUPERBOWL REMATCH!!! The 17th meeting of Special Ed’s most storied rivalry. THE CLASH AT THE CREEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DYM currently leads the alltime series 9-7, including the 2018 Superbowl. DYM Scholars know we treasure these games against the commish above all others. We’ve had this game circled in red on our calendar all year long. No fuckin WAY this is a trap game. It's too bad that The Commish is eliminated right now, because this squad is hotter than it’s ever been right now. In fact their 1.23 HEAT INDEX is the hottest ever recorded on DefendYourMoves.com. Plus they scored a whole buncha points last week even though Saquon didn't do shit. This week his team captain is on bye but he could still roll out a 4 RB lineup which is scary. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!
MONDAY MATCHUPS!!!!!!!!!!! Our picks in the Week 10 America's Games Bonanza are looking pretty solid. 3 games were decided on Sunday and we picked them all correctly. Two more hang in the balance for Monday Night, but our picks are not favored to win either of them. PAT vs Commish The Commish is down by 6 with Tevin and Manny Sanders versus DK and Russell. The best scenario for Chris is if San Fran dominates at least two or three quarters and holds Russell in check. That's what happened last Thursday when the Niners played the Cardinals, and that’s pretty much what we would guess would happen in this game, so we think The Commish still has a great shot. For reference Manny and Tevin outscored Kyler and Christian Kirk by two points last Thursday. The pessimistic take for Paul is that DK has a low floor, especially if Josh Gordon makes an appearance. Russell has been sneaky volatile this year, being held under 20 in 4 out of 9 games. THE COMMISH SAYS: “Don’t ever tell me the odds!!!” Pickle Ricks vs Douggy Tacos PR is down by 22 with Tyler Lockett going against Doug’s San Fran D. SFD only ended up with 3 fantasy points last week after the Cardinals made a half-hearted comeback attempt in garbage time. But the highest scoring Cardinal WR was Andy Isabella with 15pts. San Fran has been particularly tough against fantasy WRs this year. They only allowed a 100 yard (or 20 point) WR once this year (John Ross and Tyler Boyd in week 2). But even in that game, the D still had 7 fantasy points. That won’t work for Dave this week. He’s gonna need a shootout or a big-time statement game for Russell and Tyler against the best real D in the NFL this year. PICKLE RICK SAYS: “So you’re saying there's a chance.” FOOD BEEF PRESENTS: THE 2019 BAGEL TOUR!!!!!!!!!!! Summit Bagel, Summit, NJ Summit Bagels is on Morris Ave, past Marco Polo, in the Northeast corner of the City of Summit. They’re pretty popular, we’ve been there twice and it seems like there’s always a line on the weekends. And like all top local bagel spots, they always sell out of Whole Wheat Everythings by about 9am. That right there is the hallmark of elite bagel spots - if we can just stroll in at like 10 and you still have WWEs left over from the morning then there might be something wrong with em. We didn’t get any WWEs this week but that's OK cause they make Egg Everything bagels which we’re very in to right now. To be honest, we did not expect to find any more playoff contenders this late in the bagel season, but Summit Bagels really blew us away. THESE GUYS MAKE ONE HECK OF A BREAKFAST SANDWICH!!!!! Take a gander at this beauty: That’s thick-sliced Boar’s Head brand lox right there. And just look at those bright, fresh, juicy tomato slices!!! DEEEEELISH!!!!! Our bacon and egg was outstanding as well. The bacon was thick-sliced, like the lox, and the hot sauce was TASTY and very hot. The bagel itself was on-point too, as you can see below. There's a visible, crispy caramelization on the crust and the insides were soft and airy and packed with flavor!!! The boy had a pumpernickel. It was heavy on the caraway seed but the judges respected it. A lot of places try to make bagels taste like bread. We appreciate the fact that these guys always err on the side of too much flavor instead of too little. The only downside is the bagel might be a bit thin, which is part of what made them perfect for sandwiches, but could work against them in the playoffs. BAGEL SCORE: 9 DYM: Egg everything with bacon, egg, salt, pepper, hot sauce: 9 CYNTHIA: Egg everything with lox, cream cheese, tomatoes, capers: 9 AMARI: Pumpernickel with strawberry cream cheese (dnp) BAGEL PLAYOFF PREVIEW!!!!!!!!!! Our visit to Summit Bagel brings the bagel regular season to a close. So far we are thrilled with the results. We actually found 4 decent new bagel spots within 3 miles of the DYM Home Office. THAT’S GREAT!!!! Here’s the final scores and standings: Next week we will begin the Bagel Playoff Tournament. The Bagel Playoffs will be head-to-head Bagel-Offs. That means no sandwich orders. We will only judge the pure bagel quality. To do this we will get a couple bagels from each place, then bring them home and eat them with shmeres of cream cheese or peanut butter. Most likely we will pick up WWEs as often as we can, since those are our daily go-to at the house. We’ll also have to try some egg bagels and pumpernickels or marble ryes as well. Those are your standard bagel varieties. We will be joined, once again, by our esteemed panel of guest judges - Our wife Cynthia and Madison residents Maribeth and Dave Maulbeck. The playoff bracket lines up like this: Next week we’ll do #4 Chatham Bagel vs. #1 Morristown Bagel & Deli (11/17). Then, on Thanksgiving weekend, it'll be #2 Jersey Boy Bagel vs #3 Summit Bagel (11/24). The winners of those two will meet in The Bagel Super Bowl on 12/1, just before we begin the Special Ed Playoffs. HAVE A GREAT MONDAY NIGHT EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
WHOS HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The Commish lost last week but stayed red HOT coming into the crucial Playoff Run. He might need to win all the last four games and a tie breaker, but the path is still there. We can confidently say there is still a non-zero chance The Commish makes the Playoffs. Chris’ team is still the hottest in the league. In fact, it's the only one of the bottom five teams that’s even warm right now. Plus he’s already got the score advantage on all of them except Doug. And if he’s gonna win two more games than Doug down the stretch, he should easily take that tie breaker as well. That means week 10 is a must-win for The Commish AND for everyone vying against him for that last playoff spot. WEEK 10 IS CRUNCHTIME!!!!!!!!!! ONLY 4 GAMES LEFT TIL THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!! MUST WINS!!!!!!!!!! TRADE DEADLINE!!!!!!!!!!! LETS GO!!!!!!!!!! Every year we tell ourselves you need 7 wins to make the playoffs. So that's how we always think about the standings and about our own season, it's not really about what place you're in but how you're gonna get to 7 wins. That's what we were thinking when we laid out the league tiers last week - we assumed the bottom tier teams were one loss away from elimination. Those teams all lost in week 9, so this week we were planning on writing a special piece this week to highlight all the teams that are now DONE FOR entering week 10. But when we opened the scrolls of Special Ed History, we made a surprising discovery: There’s been an under-.500 team in the playoffs in seven of the last eight seasons. In 2013 there were two 6-7 teams in the playoffs because Doug just ran roughshod over the league that year and went 12-1; obviously that scenario is very much in play again this year. UNDER .500 PLAYOFF TEAMS: 2018 doug 5 wins 2017 doug 6 wins 2015 paul 6 wins 2014 mike 6 wins 2013 paul & matt 6 Matt is really the only one facing elimination this week as 5-8 is the worst record to ever make the playoffs. Andy and The Commish each have 7 losses, so they want to win all of their next four. Doug and Rob have 5 losses, and are playing like shit, so they're in the mix as well. These bottom 5 teams are all STILL IN IT because none of them are playing each other this week. The bad news for this week is they all have tough matchups against a top five team. But the good news is that anything can happen in week 10 because there are 6 teams on bye and this is SPECIAL ED RIVALRY WEEK!!!!!!!!!! YES, Party People, week 10 is Rivalry Week in this here 10-team league. These last few weeks are like “divisional” games cause we’re playing the same teams we played back in weeks 1-4. Familiarity breeds contempt and 5 teams are fighting for their lives, so every one of these games could be a real slobber-knocker. That's why DYM is putting it all on the line too, giving ALL FIVE games the Game of the Week treatment. LETS GO!!!!!!!!!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 7-2 PAULS AWESOME TEAM v THE COMMISH The Commish has only won twice all year but one of those was over the mighty PAT. Amazingly, it looks like The Commish has the advantage here in week 10 as well. Paul has two of his RBs on bye so he’ll have to depend on the hotness of two rookies, Singletary and DK. He also has a tough choice to make at Defense. Anyone dropped from this team would instantly become The Pickup of Week 11. Would he take the SHAMEFUL zero in order to preserve him stacked bench??? Time will tell… The Commish is miraculously at full strength during this the very worst of all bye weeks. He’s going to start a 4 RB lineup which is always terrifying to play against. The Commish stays hot here and grinds out another W. THE COMMISH WINS!!!!!!!!!! DYM v BRING IT ON HOME THE SAGA COMES TO AN END We felt Andy’s awakening during the draft. And we have forseen that he will become a powerful fantasy player one day. This eighth loss will put an end to Andy’s playoff hopes, if there are any still left. Andy's guys have 3 greenlight matchups but two of them are Thursday, so that’s not great. This will also be the first time Andy is starting Hollywood Brown and Kylo Murray together. Those are our two favorite players on this team, they could bring a spark to this lineup, but we're not sure they’ve had enough time to build that team chemistry. We have a lot of action thursday and none on Monday so at least this one’ll ve done early, which is always nice. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!! PICKLE RICKS vs DOUGGY TACOS Doug is reeling from the news that AJ Green, his trusty reliable WR1, is done for the year. He’s also got Hopkins on bye so he’ll be forced to start a former Dolphin AND a current Dolphin. Lev Bell and Davante are questionable as well. Losing either of them would out this team in a REAL PICKLE. Get it. Dave weathered the storm and gets Mahomes back no worse for wear. The bigger problem is James Conner is bot gonna play and Carlos Hyde is on bye. This roster is plenty flexible (with 3 QBs) the question is who to pick up? Would he dare start both Chicago RBs vs Detroit? Or scoop up another of Yoda’s favorite padawans - Nyheim Hines vs Miami? Either way we think Fay pulls out a low scoring win. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! TEAM MEH vs PHP Matts got a few tasty matchups and Kelce could go off with Mahomes back in the fold. If Theilen doesn't go then Matt might have a chance. Maybe. TEAM MEH WINS!!!!!!!!!!! SHARON ERTZ vs ALVIN & THESHITMUNKS Rob’s team is an absolute train wreck. They are now averaging about an injury per week. 10 of their 14 drafted players are either injured or dropped coming into week 10. Even with DJ back in the lineup they still can't even muster 90 projected points. Tobin, on the other hand, is at full strength with NO byes and NO injuries, and he’s HOT!!! Tobin will cruise into the playoffs from here. ALVIN & THESHITMUNKS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
WHOS HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! So Paul scored 200 again last week and honestly we were pretty nonplussed. That’s like the fourth time now so it’s like whatever, ya know. We’re just not even thinking about that team anymore til the playoffs. That might sound like sour grapes but we’re pretty sure most of the rest of Special Ed is with us. Paul will clinch this week or next so everybody knows he’s not gonna play a meaningful game for a while.
He’s just not on our radar right now. And therein lies the sublime ingenuity of Who’s Hot?! Pauls Team is “scoring a lot of points” but they’re old news!! The team everybody's talking about right now is The Commish aka THE RISE OF SAQUON!!!!!!!!!Last week The Commish doubled up his cousin Andy in a huge statement game. He got a couple big individual performances from Coleman and Saquon but more importantly he had every position player score double digits. That means this whole lineup has some firepower even if their studs do have a bad day. They're off to that type of a not-bad start this week with a good Manny Sanders game making up for a bad Coleman game in the Thursday nighter. ANOTHER BONER OF A TRADE FOR DYM!!!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE THEY THINKING?!?!?! The red-hot Commish will have to contend with new-found powerhouse Alvin & TheShitmunks here in week 9. Tobin wasn’t very hot coming into the week but they’re a whole new team now after the trade. At the moment it looks like TheShitmunks won the Big Blockbuster Trade. But we were bound to look foolish this week either way because, as DYM Scholars know, we have ALWAYS hated Kenyan Drake and we wouldn't have ever started him anyway, but, man. Can you imagine if we had started Drake instead of Kirk? Jeez. I fuckin hate Thursday night football. When you have a bad Football Sunday, there’s a lotta little things you can do to cheer yourself up on Monday. But when you have a bad Thursday, man, you just gotta sit with it. That feeling’s staying over for the weekend. You get a new roommate and his name is failure. We were beside ourselves by halftime Thursday, so we just put the game on mute for the second half and turned on our “Sad Songs” playlist that we made for when the Nets traded DAngelo Russell. We’re at a low point right now, but the worst part about it is that stupid fucking Yahoo didn’t let us change our team logo picture since fucking Tuesday. Switching up my picture and team name emoji has been a foundational part of our weekly fantasy routine this season. Not seeing our Official DYM logo on the yahoo app at gametime got us all kinds of fucked up. We tried to stay busy today, we can't even look at the yahoo app so we filed some insurance claims and went out to lunch… but every now and then, when its quiet, our mind always drifts back to Drake and Kirk, and we get that pit in the bottom of our stomach. Fuck. Some day we'll get over it, maybe not soon tho. FOOD BEEF PRESENTS: THE 2019 BAGEL TOUR!!!!!!!!! Jersey Boy Bagels, Morristown, NJ Nobody likes Jersey Boy Bagels and we don't really get why. We always liked this place. When we worked in Morristown in 2005 it was the go-to. I guess now that we think about it, the fact that nothing about the place has changed in 20 years should be a bit concerning. But hey, if it aint broke dont fix it, right? But its got 2.5 stars on Yelp and Cynthia did not like her lox one bit (pictures below). We were in the mood for a little something different this week so went with a pumpernickel bagel with turkey bacon. AND IT WAS GOOD, OK? It was tasty, and even that dense pumpernickel passed our scrupulous crumb texture tests with flying colors. The coffee was good too and very strong. We had a large iced and got it topped off before we left, which was unnecessary cause we were like BINGBING! The only thing we never really liked is the bagels are the “large hole” style. We prefer the fluffier style bagel with a closed hole that looks like a belly button. In every great journey there is a path that one must walk alone. When our mentors’ words ring hollow and our muses fall silent, we must look within for answers and someday we all must eventually blaze our own trail. So, since we’re the only ones who like this place we’re eschewing all Guest Judge scores this week. Next week is the end of the Bagel Regular Season, and folks, as we approach this threshold we just gotta say that if loving Jersey Boy Bagels is wrong then we don’t wanna be right.
We’ve always liked this place and we still do so they're going to the playoffs no matter what yall say. BAGEL SCORE: 8.5 DYM: Pumpernickel bagel with double egg turkey bacon and hot sauce: 8.5 Cynthia: Whole wheat everything with lox, cream cheese, tomatoes and capers (n/a) Amari: Strawberry Bagel with cream cheese (n/a) AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!! ALVIN AND THE SHITMUNKS vs THE AMBASSADOR OF SAQUON!!!!!!!!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 7-1 The league’s HOTTEST team and the winner of the Big Blockbuster Trade are both going wire-to-wire in week 9!!!!!!!!! This is a very fun matchup because they have guys going Thursday night and Monday night. Tobin made a splash on Thursday but this one will be decided by Saquon vs Dak and Amari on Monday. Everybody knows we’re gonna pick The Commish but the shitmunkers have a lot going for them. This team is a veritable whos-who of DYM Legends. There are now 7 of OUR GUYS on this team: Odell, Ingram, Kamara, Amari, Robby, and Tyler Boyd were all pieces of some DYM’s very best teams. We've even rostered Cousins a few times if only to ritualistically drop him. These guys have some juicy matchups this week too - especially Amari and Mike Evans. But The Commish is gonna win because Stafford is gonna smoke Oakland and Tyreek has a sneaky good matchup against Minnesota AND Cleveland is our DYM certified #1 streaming D of the week. THE COMMISH WINS!!!!!!!!!! PICKLE RICKS!! vs TEAM MEH Golladay vs Marvin Jones!! PR got a Mahomes-esque performance from Jimmy G on Halloween and Team Meh’s best player, Mike Tom, is on bye - that should be enough to give Dave the edge. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!!! SHARON ERTZ vs PHP Alright here we go. We keep picking Matt and he keeps losing but this is the one, we just know it. PHP WINS!!!!!!!!! BRING IT ON HOME vs PAT Andy benched the chosen one Kylo Murray AGAIN so he doesn't have a chance in this one. PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS!!!!!!!!! RESPEC YO RUSSELLS vs DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM We just wanna take a moment here to acknowledge another landmark Respec yo Russells moment: Joshua Motherfucking The Flash Gordon is back in the building!!! WELCOME HOME!!! LETS GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Swear to god everytime we pickup Josh Gordon it feels like the first time. Imagination just runs wild all over again every time. Guy is such a beast, people forget he's better than Calvin Johnson. Were gonna beat dougs ass this week, then we’re gonna for sure beat Pauls ass in week 12 when my dog comes off bye to play Philly. Calling that one right now. give a fuck whos hot. lets go. DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!
DUMPSTER DIVER OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!! Disney!!!!!!!!! Drop: Benioff and Weiss Add: Disney+ (pre-order) DISNEY FIRED THE GAME OF THRONES GUYS, and WE CALLED IT!!!!!!!!! There’s actually only one earnest, specific prediction in our Ultimate Star Wars Theory, and it does not appear in the thesis at defendyourmoves.com/star-wars. Last spring, before Star Wars Season officially opened, we ran a highly controversial Game of Thrones Death Pool and blogged the weekly results right here at DYM. Then as a segway to our main off-season project we authored a short introduction to the USWT exclusively for Special Ed Nation. Therein we noted Lucas Film’s then-recent hiring of GoT’s idiot show-runners. The avid waiver-wire aficionados at DYM immediately recognized this as a short-term add. Sometimes when your team is in transition you need to bring a lot of guys in for workouts - kick the tires, see how they fit in in the locker room. We don’t think anybody at Disney really thought these guys were gonna be a long-term solution for Star Wars, but they had some upside in the change-of-pace role. When we wrote this six months ago, we initially predicted they’d hang around the Lucas Film Facilities for the rest of the 2019 Star Wars Season and be dropped around March or April, before the Episode IX home video release. Kudos to Disney for pulling the trigger on this big-time move right in the heat of peak SW Season. That’s a tough move to make but it could go a long way in securing the future of the franchise. GREAT JOB!!! WHO HATH TRESPASSED AGAINST THE FANTASY GODS??? The human mind is reticent to accept that some aspects of life are simply beyond our control. Throughout history man has concocted a myriad ways to cultivate good fortune and harness the power of the unknown. Tribute, sacrifice, and penance are paid to the gods. Through these rites we humble ourselves and recognize our place as the gods’ faithful servants. In ancient times the gods demanded a literal sacrifice: the death of an animal or even a beloved fellow man. Today the Jews and Muslims call it Tsedakah, for the Christians it is confession and tithes, for the Hindus it is called Karma, and in Fantasy Football we must abide the unwritten rules of The Game as given to us directly from the Fantasy Gods. Thus when people say there’s a lot of luck involved in fantasy sports, they may believe still that “luck” is not entirely capricious and is not beyond their control. There’s a lot of ways one can go about creating their own luck - some folks have to watch games in a lucky chair; some have to wear a lucky shirt or hat, last season from weeks 10 through 16 we did edibles every Sunday just before 1:00 kickoff - We had a few other lucky charms for our championship run last year, but we won’t divulge all of the sacred mysteries just yet. Suffice to say that there’s a lot more that goes into a fantasy championship run than just setting an optimal lineup. The best way to curry the favor of the Fantasy Gods is simply playing the game the right way. There are certain unwritten laws of respectful fantasy team management which are our covenant with the Fantasy Gods. Polk High Panthers are the only Special Ed team with a season long curse on their house for running completely afoul of the Fantasy Gods’ decrees. The auto-draft and the extra TE’s were sins that could have been atoned, if he had sought atonement. Even now, nearly the entire auto-draft roster remains in place, including the TEs. He did accept one great trade but has yet to deal any of the surplus TEs. Matt’s fate was truly sealed in week 6 when he committed the cardinal sin of all fantasy: Starting a player on their bye week. The only thing more disgraceful than not setting your lineup is being outscored by the team who did not set their lineup. In week 7 Rob managed to score even fewer points than Matt in week 6. Rob’s team clearly has a hex on it right now, but the reason why is not nearly as obvious. Drafting both DJ Moore and Curtis Samuel was weird, but not necessarily a sin; dropping Samuel and trading away Lev Bell should have appeased the Gods. They may still be displeased with his team name which pays homage to a former Special Ed member and a player who’s position we no longer acknowledge. Defend Your Moves the team also ran afoul of The Gods last week by conceding defeat to Team Meh and making zero roster moves. We are repenting this week by shuffling Arizona RBs and shopping Odell aggressively before the deadline. We have now moved Odell (but in exchange for a dreaded Patriot), and added a new Rookie RB. We pray our works this week are favorable in the eyes of The Fantasy Gods. WOKE WEDNESDAYS WITH KYRIE IRVING!!!!!!!!! Everybody in the shop this week's been goin crazy talking about the Jets. Adam Gase seems to have completely lost control, and the team is in a tailspin. We keep bringing it up so they don't talk to me about all the games the Nets lost last week. Anyway, Gase had just got done tanking in Miami and as soon as the Jets bring him in he goes straight in the tank again. He just traded their best player on defense, and now he's even trying to trade Leveon too. Why would anyone do this? What does he have to gain by systematically decimating AFC East teams one by one??? There's only one man who could be responsible for such a diabolical plot: BILL BELICHICK!!!!! JUST CONNECT THE DOTS PEOPLE!!! In the mid 90s Belichick was the head coach of the Cleveland Browns. His Defensive Coordinator was another future football overlord, Nick Saban. Although they would only have one winning season in Cleveland, Nick and Bill concocted an intricate plan to dominate all of football for a generation: A “Manchurian Candidate.” An avatar of themselves that could work within their enemies' organizations, sewing discord and doing their bidding. In 1994 they spit ways, Saban would scour the college coaching ranks for prospective scions, and Belichik searched amongst NFL coaches. Bill was the most successful initially. During his time with the Jets Belichik took a number of coaches under his wing who would later go on to sabotage a number of AFC teams. Romeo Crennel, Todd Haley, and Eric Mangini authored some of the most humiliating losses and most complete implosions of the 2000’s. They all directly contributed to the early phases of the Patriots dynasty. But in the year 2000 Saban got his first SEC Head Coaching job at LSU; there he would find the Chosen One - Adam Gase. Gase was a scouting assistant under Saban in 2000 and 2001. Saban brainwashed Gase and twisted his impressionable, obsessive mind into the perfect implement for their master plan. Gase went from LSU to a series of low-level assistant roles in the NFL. After five years ascending within the Broncos organization he was finally ready to have his prime directive protocol activated. Once he was hired by Miami, the code word was spoken and he has been on a single minded mission ever since: Destroy every AFC team. There’s reason to believe that certain other influential football figures played a hand in Gase’s meteoric rise. It is entirely possible that John Elway was brought in to Denver for the express purpose of promoting Gase. Step one was to bring in Peyton Manning in 2012 and allow him to install his own offense. Then, the next year, he promoted Gase to the figurehead position of “offensive coordinator.” The only question remaining is who will be next? The razing of the Dolphins and Jets is nearly complete and it's not hard to imagine that Gase could already be on the hot seat in just his first year in New York. Unfortunately the NFL Coaching Carousel never stops turning. HAVE A HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2019 WEEK 8 - WHO'S HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
WHO’S HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! This year we’re celebrating the 5th anniversary of WHO’S HOT?!?!?!?!?! One fateful day back in week 14 of 2014 the DYM Imagineers created two special features which would go on to become our longest running and most beloved: The DYM Awards and WHO’S HOT?! WHO’S HOT?! is DYM’s very own ranking system that measures each team’s relative ascent or decline without regard for their actual number of points. Early in the season we assess teams’ strength in the POWER RANKINGS. Now as we approach the playoff run, and the weaker teams are all but eliminated, that assessment is moot. For the rest of the season it won’t matter how "good your team was supposed to be”, only how HOT they are right now. That’s why every year after week 8 we assess your momentum with the HEAT INDEX. In this league, there’s no prize for most points in a season, and no prize for most wins either. The championship can only be won in week 16, so it doesn't really matter how “good” your team is all year. The only thing that matters is “WHO’S HOT” at the end. Who’s Hot has correctly predicted the winner of the last 5 Special Ed Superbowls*. Every year since 2014 we have used our proprietary algorithm to calculate the exact “Heat Index” of every Special Ed team. The calculation is deviously simple. We just divide your last three weeks’ average score by your season average and boom, that’s your HEAT INDEX. Now, without further to do, DYM proudly presents - WHO'S HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! With less than half the season left Paul and MikeStanley have established themselves as the clear early favorites. They are the top 2 highest scoring teams on the season AND two of the top 3 HOTTEST teams. That means they’ll both be favored in their week 9 matchups.This is a common phenomena in mid-season Who’s Hot?! Rankings, but more often than not the Champion will be relatively cool at this stage of the season, before heating up after Thanksgiving. The magic of WHO'S HOT is that we all only ever truly compete against ourselves, so no matter how many games they win it will be increasingly difficult to stay HOT in the postseason. They’ll have to find ways to stay motivated, lest they share the fate of that old hare who was outlasted and overtaken by the steady tortoise. HEAT CHECK: Team Meh is #1 with a bullet but they were in a similar position this time last year. They completely collapsed in the second half-season and lost in the first round of the playoffs. Pickle Ricks’ resolve will be tested as they’ll have to survive the next few weeks without Mahomes. But the win over PHP last week proved they are still in the good graces of the Fantasy Gods. They’re season average is a modest 106 so they also still have room to grow down the stretch. Paul’s season average is 156. That's insane. It can't be sustainable, can it? FOOD BEEF PRESENTS: THE 2019 DYM BAGEL TOUR!!!!!!!! Morristown Bagel & Deli, Morristown, NJ We’ve got another contender, folks. This little hole in the wall across from the Morristown train station actually makes a perfectly decent bagel. The image above is a textbook example of fine bagel craftsmanship. As you can see the bagel is very easy in the eyes. They're big and airy so you know the bagels were hand rolled with care they were allowed a long time to rise. The texture feels even better than it looks. The crust is tight as a drum, and the dough is super gluey so it pulls away from the crust entirely when you pinch it. They were unfortunately sold out of lox when we went in on Thursday morning. That's a little concerning, to be honest. Cynthia docked them a point but none of the other judges had any complaints. We’ll be back here again in the playoffs, but we don't think we’ll be able to crown them champion without reliably good lox. BAGEL SCORE: 9 Judges Orders: DYM: Whole wheat everything with bacon, double egg, salt, pepper, hot sauce: 9 CYNTHIA: Whole wheat everything with bacon, egg, cheese, salt, pepper, hot sauce: 8.5 DAVE MAULBECK: Whole wheat everything with cream cheese: 9.5 MB: Whole wheat everything with cream cheese: 9.5 AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK: Pickle Ricks!! vs Sharon Ertz!!!!!!!! AGoTW Prediction Record: 6-1 Battered but not beaten. Two wounded warriors struggle to remain in playoff contention. The tiers have now solidified: There are two 6-1 teams who have all but clinched. The next four teams all have 4 wins but #s 3 and 4 have a huge point advantage, so they are tier 2. The bottom tier, Matt and The Commish, are basically eliminated already. That puts Dave and Rob squarely in the third tier along with Doug and Andy. These are the four teams to watch this month, as they will be fighting for the last two playoff spots. Both Dave and Rob have games remaining against Doug and Andy so the winner of this game should have a good chance to control their own destiny. For Dave, beating Rob, Doug and Andy would put him at 7 wins, and should get him in. Rob’s path to the playoffs would be winning those same three matchups and also knocking off the woe-begotten Polk High Panthers next week. Rob is off to a good start with Diggs’ big game on Thursday, and Ty Johnson gets to ease into his new starting role with a nice home matchup against the Giants. The bad news is that everybody else on the Ertz squad has very bad matchups, and they’re ICE COLD. Pickle Ricks is the #2 HOTTEST team this week. They’ll need about 117 to stay HOT and we think they’ll get it. This team has 6 green-light matchups including absolute smash-spots for Conner at home vs Miami and Lockett at Atlanta. They’ll just need to survive and advance to two more wins after this one and then look to get Mahomes back for the Playoffs. PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!!! Paul’s Awesome Team vs 🔥 NOW KAKAROT!!!!!🔥 Paul has the third highest Heat Index this week on the strength of his 200 point effort in week 5. Next week that game will fade into memory, so he’ll need another big big score to stay HOT for week 9. Doug appears much cooler this week but is coming off his highest score of the year. With Rodgers and Hopkins getting back on track they could stand a chance. PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS!!!!!!!! DefendYourMoves.com🦒 vs Team Meh We’re starting way too many Bills this week and all our other guys have real bad matchups. Just hoping nobody gets hurt this week. TEAM MEH WINS!!!!!!!! In Saquon We Trust vs Bring It On Home They say the Falcons are about to fire Dan Quinn this week. We’re starting to think Devonta and Matt Ryan are gonna get their fantasy manager fired too. BRING IT ON HOME WINS!!!!!!!! Polk High Panthers vs Alvin & TheShitmunks For the second straight week a starting fantasy QB has scored less than 10pts on Thursday. And once again PHP is playing against them. This time PHP has 5 greenlight matchups, but we just know he's still gonna blow it somehow. ALVIN & THESHITMUNKS WINS!!!!!!!! HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND EVERYBODY!!!!!!!! *DYM writers eschewed the Heat Index in the 2017 Superbowl preview and picked that game incorrectly. The hotter team has, in fact, won every Superbowl since 2014.
DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2019 WEEK 8 - STAR WARS TRAILER BREAKDOWN!!!!!!!
There are only a few things in life that are more important than fantasy football, and one of those things is STAR WARS!!! So, if any of you DYM Readers haven’t read our Ultimate Star Wars Theory yet, do yourself a favor and check it out right now. Just click this link or go to the “Star Wars” tab on the top of any DYM web page. WHAT IS UP, SPECIAL ED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! The Final Star Wars Trailer aired during the game last night and WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Star Wars fever is really starting to peak right now, and anticipation for this trailer was as high as we can ever remember. But we have to say we feel bad for all the nerds that had to sit through that awful first half of football to see the SW trailer at halftime. Man, what a shitshow. The trailer did NOT disappoint AT ALL, though. First of all, the music BANGS. Each of the three official trailers for Rise of Skywalker has featured a new, hugely polyphonic version of a classic Star Wars motif: The first trailer played Leia’s theme, then “the force theme” in the second, and this third one plays the main Star Wars theme (aka Luke’s theme). If all three of these are on the actual score and we get a new Reylo Love Theme then it'll be pretty safe to say the Rise of Skywalker Soundtrack will be the best music album in the history of recorded sound. TRAILER 1: TRAILER 2: TRAILER 3: Now let’s go scene-by-scene and dig all the nuggets we can out if this Final Star Wars Trailer: The first scene is Rey running through the woods. You know she's training here because the helmet she drops has a visor to cover your eyes (like Luke’s training helmet in episode 4). Next, we see Lando. He’s got a hardbody crew ready to ride. We see a few familiar faces in the crowd if we zoom in. ROSE IN THE BUILDING!!! Rose Tico has been conspicuously absent from all Episode IX marketing up until this point. The leading internet theory is that it’s because Rose is pregnant in this movie, and they don't wanna give away the surprise. Obviously the door’s still open since they cleverly avoided showing us her belly in this shot. Of course if she were pregnant it would be HUGE (!!!!!!) for our Big Star Wars Thesis since we already said The Last Jedi was really all about being a Mom too. Speaking of Moms, this is Leia’s ship right here. Its gotta be the same one cause Wookiepedia says this model was made specifically for the Royals of the planet Alderaan, so there can't be that many of em still out there, and this one has the exact same paint job.
(That wookiepedia page is being updated as we speak so we’re pretty sure this one’s on point). Check it out: Vader’s castle was in one scene in Rogue One and we really wanna see more of it in Episode IX, but Superman’s Fortress of Solitude looks pretty dope here too. And here’s the scene we ALL were waiting for. This line in the trailer actually starts as we see the crew assembling on the bridge of the Millenium Falcon. But through an act of pure serendipity the captions on our TV were coming in about 4-5 seconds delayed, so we got the image above instead. It was the will of the force that we would get this screen-cap. We want Reylo to explicitly happen, and this line being in the trailer puts us well ahead of the expected pace. This movie is a love story and we are 1000% here for it. Aaah!!! Look at this little cutie!!! Next, we get our first shot of Keri Russell’s character. That gold helmet is the hottest new look. Man, it's been a huge year for all us Russells. First D’Angelo crushed it. Now its Keri’s time to shine. If Russell Wilson wins MVP this year we’re having a party. Keri’s character is named Zori Bliss. All we know of her back story so far is she used to hook up with Poe Dameron back in the day. Keri appeared with Oscar Isaac in a few panels and photo shoots over the summer. Apparently Oscar is one of those Daniel Day Lewis type method actors who’s like never out of character even in his day-to-day life offset.
Just look how committed to this role he is. Respec Yo Russells, Oscar!!! Here’s another new character. His name’s D-O, and once again we only know one thing about his back story: D-O was built by BB-8 from junk and spare parts, so basically he’s Forky from Toy Story 4. That means BB-8 is a mom now too, so that's HUGE (!!!!!!). If Rose and/or Rey have babies too we’re buying a keg for Russell’s MVP party. Our last new character is this gal riding a buffalo. Her name’s Jannah. Wookieepedia tells us she “led a tribe of brave and noble warriors on an ocean moon.”
All you Off-Season DYM scholars will immediately recognize this as the Gungan/Ewok corollary we predicted in our original Episode IX preview (more on that below). The next shot shows Rey standing in front of Palpatine’s throne in a barren dusty setting. Hard to say where this scene takes place but we have some thoughts. The flat mysty landscape immediately reminded us of a couple scenes from Star Wars Rebels: The site of the Sith Temple on Malachore (season 2 ep 9), and the (former) Jedi Temple on Lothal (season 4 ep 13). When the dark side of the force is cultivated in one place for a long period of time it can kill a planet and prevent anything from growing there, which is why many Sith ruins look like this. It is also said that many of the mining planets and desert planets in Star Wars were once vibrant green places, but had at some point been imbued with the darkside. Rey is gonna restore The Heart of Tafiti, you guys. The last shot is of Rey. Half of her face is in the light and half in the shadow. Get it? EPISODE IX PREDICTION SCOREBOARD!!!!!!!!! The theory here is that every Star Wars is all the same story and the same things happen over and over. Since our two favorite Star Wars movies thus far are The Phantom Menace and Return of the Jedi, back in May we identified 7 essential scenes that happened in both of those and suggested what the third iteration might look like. Now that we have all the official pre-release info in hand, let’s take a look back at our old Episode IX concept art storyboard and see how many of our ideas made it in so far. NOT TOO SHABBY!!! We’re looking at 4 very likely hits and one “maybe” just from the trailers and magazine photos. We don’t want to print all the BIG LEAKED SPOILERS we’ve heard recently, but if they’re even close to accurate then the other two are stone cold LOCKS. With less than two months to go until the premier, Defend Your Moves is STILL The Internets' #1 Star Wars Theorist!!!!!!!!! Episode IX Corollaries 1 - A robed figure appears - (tbd) 2 - A hologram message - (tbd) 3 - The large, wet overlord - (tbd) 4 - Our non-human friend gets in trouble for stealing food - This fella was introduced at Star Wars Celebration, his name is Klad, and he's Chewbacca's homeboy. That's all we know for sure but, come on, look at these guys. We know that look, Klad definitely just ate that guy's lunch. 5 - The technologically inferior army - Jannah’s buffalo soldiers (see above) 6 - The Magic Flight - Desert race/chase scene, obviously. 7 - Saying goodbye - Looks like a goodbye hug to us. The one “maybe” we’re looking at right now is the scene from the Final Trailer with Lando and the crew. When we zoom in we can see everybody in front of Lando is standing in a circle and gazing toward the center of it..It’s possible (maybe) that there’s a table there in front of Chewie and if there is, then it’s possible (just maybe) that there’s a hologram playing on that table. Now the only big thing we’re still missing from all the trailers and promos so far is Broom Boy. But we’re not losing faith. Broom Boy is gonna happen you guys. The best possible scenario would be if they somehow tie together the "reviving of the dead planets" and the "freeing all the people" into a singularly heroic act for the FULL Moana ending. HAVE A GREAT STAR WARS EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!