This Zeke Elliott case is the single biggest witch hunt in the history of American sports. It may not be possible for a player like Zeke to get a fair trial in this country. Less than one-in-ten Judges are Zeke owners in fantasy. That means over 90% are all biased against him. It’s a bad deal, folks, very unfair. If the Federal Judge doesn’t stop this suspension, my guy Jeff Sessions here is gonna charge him with Fantasy Collusion against all Zeke owners.
The courts have been very unfair to Zeke. The NFL too, even more unfair. Not one player suspended for disrespecting our National Anthem. But they suspend the face of AMERICA’S team! They are WORSE THAN ISIS. They made up a phony story, found zero proof, so now they file this phony injunction. These judges are HATEFUL. Always have been. It’s really sad.
And what happened to the leaks?? This news today came out of nowhere, a shock to the entire nation. That’s the real story here. ESPN and NFL NETWORK ARE FAKE NEWS! THEYRE FAILING! The people demand FANTASY FACTS! Where was Schefter? Where was Ian Rappaport? Probably out making trades. These days when you hear ‘sources say’ form the FAKE NEWS media, often times those sources already own Alf Morris.
And if that’s not bad enough, there’s a baseball game on tonight, can you imagine that? This is the longest baseball season this nation has ever seen. We see what’s happening. OK? No one cares about baseball. Obama ruined baseball with all his regulations. That administration signed all these new rules to speed up the games, but now they’re longer than ever.
If I were the commissioner of baseball I would go around to every ballpark on October 5th and lock the doors. OK? I’d say “SEASONS OVER, FOLKS! GO HOME!” Then I’d shut off the lights, lock the doors, and fire everybody! Grounds crew – Fired! Hot dog guys – Fired! Beer guys – Fired! Guy in the parking lot with a shopping cart full of pretzels – Fired! And if Miguel or Pedro wanna play some more BEYEESSBOL they can go back to POO-EH-TO RICO! Get it? That’s how they talk! Poo-eh-to-ri-co, Meh-hee-co, Coo-bah, tor-tee-yah. Hey that’s kinda fun. Hey Melania, say “booorrrito” Ga’head, say it. Ah, she’s bein shy. She loves the Spanish. We just got back from there, Melania was the tallest person on the island, I swear. Incredible people, we love them, so great. So it’s going to be incredible, folks. We’re gonna fix this baseball thing, it’s happening, folks, it’s gonna happen real fast.
SPECIAL ED MATCHUP PREVIEWS
¡Que Lástima! Vs. DefendYourMoves.com
Our incredible league has some of the finest fantasy players. My players are incredible. ¡Que Lástima!’s players are also incredible. This is a meeting of the two greatest teams this country has ever seen.
¡Que Lástima! WINS!!!!!!
Bitchslapped vs. Golden Richards
Frankly, this is not a good matchup. This one won’t be close, folks.
Golden Richards Wins!!!!!!
Baldwins vs Polk High
The nightmare season for the Baldwins continues. It has been a nightmare. Dwayne Allen was very bad for them. Very Bad. Right now Johnathan Stewart is doing even worse. These are the worst moves anyone has ever made. LOCK HIM UP
Saquons Heisman vs. Randall Cummingham
Amari Cooper, a true patriot, is protesting against the other players protesting. Protesting is un-American. But an American who protests against Americans who protest America is the most American of all.
White Walkers vs. Team Meh
We love the White Walkers such fine folks. There are many great players on this team that we love. Aaron Rodgers is a player we’ve all seen on TV a lot. We love James White. Love White. Fine team.
White Walkers WINS!!!!!
HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!