OK. Shut up, you guys. I’m talking here. Listen up.
The President will be out in a minute to give you his weekly Special Ed Report.
FIRST, I’ve got some NFL related issues I’d like to speak to up front that I’m sure you were going to have questions about. Arright? The NFL Trade Deadline was today, and some big deals went down. We have a few details that I’ll share with you now:
The Bills are NOT tanking
The Dolphins are tanking. Specifically, tanking for Saquon Barkley
Nobody wants Jarvis Landry
The Texans and Seahawks exchanged non-fantasy players
Jimmy Garoppolo is on the 49ers now
One other thing I’d like to address is this report from ESPN.com. TB12? What is this a fucking infomercial? You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.
Tom Brady thinks he has mind control powers and magic water. Really?
How do you write this and sleep at night? You media people disgust me.
Now. Without further to do, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The President of The United States:
Folks, I cannot believe this Zeke Elliott witch hunt is still not over.
Nobody has talked about the Zeke case at all for a couple weeks, and now, boom! Outta nowhere, suspended again.
I forgot about it!
This whole thing is from years ago, ya know, from before Zeke was even in the NFL. Why isn’t Crooked Roger the focus??? Crooked Roger is the one that needs to get his personal conduct investigated. He’s committing Federal Collusion and Domestic Violence against our fantasy teams!!!!
But we’re still gonna fight this case. It’s a terrible case. Very very bad deal for Zeke. Very bad deal for the Commish too. The Commish loves Zeke so much, it’s beautiful. He wants a good deal for his fantasy squad. We all do. He wants to win again. And he is winning already. We knew he would win this week. We called it. My people tell me he’s very hot. We have the best people watching this league. The smartest people, they know everything about Special Ed League. They say the Commish has one of the hottest teams they’ve ever seen. But this Personal Conduct Policy, which was invented under the Obama administration, is just a bad bad deal for Fantasy. It’s a disgrace.
Another game DYM predicted correctly this week was Carson Wentz’s team winning big. They were the highest scoring team this week, folks. Very high score. 136 I think. 136? Yep. They’re telling me One Hundred and Thirty Six. Wow yuge score. And their two top players this week are such fine fine players. Really our kind of guys.
The biggest story from yesterday, that nobody is talking about, is that some of the lowest scores of the week came from the so-called FORMER champions. The Blundering Golden Ricks have mismanaged their team so badly all year. Very badly. Just an unbelievable number of points on their bench. And the Fake News media won’t talk about how BAD Kirk Cousins is this year. The least reliable Fantasy QB ever. HE’S NOT A STARTER!
But this matchup should have been a tie. Next week I’ll be signing an executive order that says you can’t win a game with less than 82 points. This league needs to end its Sanctuary City status NOW, so we could get rid of these dangerous latino gangs like MS-13 and Que Lastima. They’re stealing wins from American teams and endangering the entire league!!!!!
Defend Your Moves is doing a really great job this season. They are the most credible source in the entire sports media. And the new website is so popular. There’s an incredible amount of enthusiasm and excitement around DYM right now. A lot of people just want to focus on their Game of the Week record, which is a pretty meaningless statistic. But they got that right this week! That’s right. DYM correctly predicted that the fall of the other so-called former champion of this league, who is even more pathetic than Goldy Rickys. In fact DYM has been predicting Doug’s demise for many years. So they were way ahead of that one. Just incredible work. Geniuses. We do like that Doug changed his team name, tho. You guys should all change your team names. It’s great. You’ll thank me later. I promise.
HAVE A GREAT HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!