STEVE BANNON ROSTER CONSTRUCTION!!!!!!
Editors note: we’re gonna circuitously trash chris’ team here but we hope we’re wrong. Special Ed The Team has a lot of the same guys as The Commish’s squad so we really do want it to work out. But we’re increasingly pessimistic.
The next Presidential election is 13 months away so that means the campaigns have been under way for a long long time already. The splashy speeches and opposition research of the early stages of a campaign are a lot like early round draft picks: Their importance is undeniable and some campaigns dominate wire-to-wire, but there's a saying in fantasy that goes: "you can't win the league in the draft, but you can lose it,” and the same can be said for Presidential campaigns.
In fantasy football the last few years, there has always seemed to be a “league winning player”. Usually a potentially suspended or injured player like Le’veon Bell (2016) or Todd Gurley (2017) can be had in the second round and become a #1 overall. In 2016 and ‘17 Paul and Rob stole an early advantage by drafting these guys, but they also made great trades and in season moves - like streaming quality QBs and Ds into the playoffs. Countless moves and machinations are required to navigate the labyrinthine fantasy football season. That lottery pick isn't the crux of a true championship strategy. Even last year McCaffrey was an advantage, but we couldn't have done it without Keenan Allen and all those rookie QBs.
In politics, the tried and true early season move is getting some dirt on your opponents, specifically The Clintons. Broadly speaking, having dirt on the Clintons early-on seemed like a golden ticket for Bush (2000), Obama (2008) and Trump (2016). But to say that that's why they won would totally discount how emotionally manipulative all three of those campaigns were. They all made sure to shit on The Clintons early, then turned to less specious strategies like making fantastical, unrealistic promises and xenophobic fear-mongering
On the contrary - less successful candidates like Bob Dole (1996), Howard Dean (2004), and Joe Biden (2016) positioned themselves early as the Clintons’ moral superiors but didn't follow up with enough fantastical promises and/or fear mongering. For candidates, setting unrealistic expectations and promoting xenophobia are just as important as savvy trades and roster moves are to a fantasy champion.
Which brings us back to today: the approximate midpoint of the 2020 Presidential campaign and the 2019 fantasy season -
The Trump 2020 campaign may have ended before it began, if he gets impeached for trying to dig up dirt on Joe Biden. Trump made two compounding mistakes this year: First of all, he picked the wrong guy; nobody seems to care about what Biden did in Ukraine because they weren’t planning on voting for him anyway. The bigger mistake was going all-in on the muck-raking strategy, while doing fewer campaign rallies this year than last. For now Trump 2020 probably still has more upside than any Democratic campaign, but he’s flagging in all major polls.
In fantasy leagues, if Le’veon was the 2016 Hillary Clinton, then Antonio Brown is this year's Joe Biden. If you drafted Antonio, you gotta realize by now he aint the right guy so it's best to quit while you're ahead and not go all in on this high-risk strategy. The Commish had some success with Mel Gordon and James Conner last year (but did not win the chip) so he doubled down this year drafting the risky Mel G, Tyreek Hill, and Antonio Brown. That’s way too many draft picks to spend on that lottery ticket strategy. This was a full-blown Steve Bannon draft. As of this week Chris’ team is 1-4 and by far the lowest scoring team, so they probly won't be getting any tiebreakers later on, even if they do string some wins together. We don’t know for sure yet if he drafted ALL “the wrong guys” or not and, like Trump 2020, the upside is still there; but we may look back on this season and say it was over before it even started for The Commish.
THE FUTURE OF FOOTBALL!!!!!!
Last week Mason Rudolph seriously almost died on the football field. It was just the latest in a long string of vivid recent reminders that playing football is probably not a good thing for human beings to do.
Fortunately, here at DYM we still believe the future of the NFL is secure, just so long as there aren't any HUMANS involved. A study published last week in National Geographic marked another step toward the inevitable non-human future of professional football: For the first time ever, wild pigs have been recorded using primitive tools.
These pigs may be on the verge of joining chimps in the 21st century’s Animal Stone Age. Which means that if humans are too evolved to play professional football, then pigs might be just evolved enough!!!!!
High end robotic and AI technology will soon be able to replicate all the functions of professional players and coaches, although it will likely be cost-prohibitive for the conservative NFL ownership group. Also, it would be hard to justify a rookie pay scale for robots. Which is why we still believe Chimpanzees will be the next generation of professional American football players.
Adding pigs to the mix could be very interesting. Some owners will likely look to establish all-pig coaching staffs and all-chimp rosters - Animal Farm style. This makes sense, since pigs don't have hands, and as a coach they just need to hold that Microsoft Surface stylus and oink out play calls.
The futurists here at DYM also think the wild pigs could use their low center of gravity to their advantage along the offensive or defensive line. Plus no hands means they’ll never get called for holding!!
THE DYM DVR PRESENTS: FREDDIE KITCHENS MONDAY NIGHT POSTGAME PRESS CONFERENCE!!!!!!
Listen y'all, this one here was mah fault. Ain't no which-way about it I stanked as a head ball coach tonight.
To be honest, I might be in over my head here. Head Ball Coachin’ is a lot harder than it looks on tee-vee, lemme tell yall. We got too many dang plays, man. Too much stuff. Gotta count all the metrics... Dang… we got a -bleep-ton of numbers to count, yall.
Mus' be a hunnid dang players on this team. Did y'all know we got us a Special Team too? I aint even know that dang kicker’s name til last week. Jus' been callin him “Kicker.”
Reporter: Why weren't you able to get Odell involved in the passing game tonight?
FK: See that's my problem right there. I cain't never even find O’Dale! He got a different helmet visor every week. I don't know if he's wearin’ sleeves or not. Did O’Dale even play tonight? I swear I have no idea.
Reporter: uh… you had him return a punt with 5 minutes left in the fourth. He fumbled it.
FK: Well I’ll be… That was him? We all coulda swore that was that practice squad QB. We let him take a couple snaps early, didn't much like his throwin’ mechanics so we jus’ went back to Baker.
... Dang... I swear I never woulda knowin’ly had O’Dale catchin’ punts in a 25 point game. That be down-right irresponsible.
AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!
Paul’s Awesome Team VS Sharon Ertz
AGoTW Prediction Record: 4-1
Two illustrious Special Ed Champs face of in a week 6 prime-time showdown!!!!!!
This one’s pretty fun because they’ve got action tonight, Sunday morning in London AND a pair of Monday Night RBs.
Yahoo has Paul projected to win by 28. So this might seem lopsided at first glance but dont forget paul only scored 92 in week one. A cold snap can hit at anytime.
Plus we think this could be one of the better weeks for Rob’s squad. They have a number of plus matchups:
Gallup vs the Jets, DJ Moore vs Tampa, and The Full House vs KC, just to name a few. Fuller went bananas last week against The Flacons, this week David Johnson gets The Falcons (if he plays). This might be too much firepower for Paul, even on his B-Day weekend!!
SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!
DefendYourMoves.com🃏 Vs Polk High Panthers
That AGoTW pick assumes David Johnson plays. Same thing here so Chase Edmonds won’t be pickup of the week (yet).
In Saquon We Trust vs Team Meh
The Commish’s redemption tour starts now!! Even without Saquon he’s still got four good RBs and Tyreek Hill this week.
THE COMMISH WINS!!!!!!
Pickle Ricks!! Vs. Alvin & TheShitmunks
This one’s going wire-to-wire just like the game if the week. This one’s heavier on Thursday guys than Monday, which is much less sexy even though tonight is kinduva Super Bowl Rematch.
PICKLE RICKS WINS!!!!!!
santa ain’t real Vs Bring It On Home
Dont know why we keep picking Doug here, but we’re doing it again.
SANTA AINT REAL WINS!!!!!!
HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!