GOING TO IKEA!!!
NICE LITTLE SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!
After Memorial Day we bought a big umbrella for the Home Office backyard. We got this nice one from Ikea.com but it was just way too big for our patio table. So we went to send it back, but Ikea was like "Oh no. We can't come pickup a return item from your home. We care about the safety of our people, so you're going to have to come to the store in person to return it." We were like, "Dog. For real?"
In those days we were already heavy into online shopping and were successfully avoiding almost all public indoor spaces. The liquor store was the only store we were going into in person at that point. Talkin bout drive-through Starbucks, curb-side groceries, all that shit. FUCK going to into that Ikea labyrinth, no thanks. So we just stuck that big ass shit in the basement and charged it to the game.
After that we stayed home for another 6-months straight so, naturally, our indoor furniture started getting a bit of wear and tear. We were shopping around the other day when we remembered that we have the world's largest Ikea gift card down there in the basement. But it's only redeemable IN STORE.
The Bills have primetime games the next few weeks so, knowing we had some free afternoons, the wife was emphatic that we get this housework shit done sooner than later.
You see, guys, every husband and father has to make sacrifices and tough decisions, and sometimes your family needs a new entertainment center right fucking now. So, sometimes, you just gotta strap up the double mask, Bill Belichick style, and go to fucking Ikea.
Now it just so happens that this past week was the worst week ever for COVID infections in NJ, and this Ikea just happens to be in one of the most heavily infected parts of our fare state.
Our anxiety also hit an all time high when we saw that the parking lot was PACKED. You know that fucking 1/4 mile long parking lot they got at Ikea? It was FULL. We were a little upset about that. So we found a spot and hot boxed the car to get mentally prepared.
On the way in we started telling ourselves reassuring platitudes like how Coronavirus is so obviously not real because nobody even knows what the symptoms are. Like, hey, we can't breathe that good right now, but that's because we're having a panic attack, not cause we got Corona, and who's not having a panic attack right now? Ya know? They tell everybody to stay home, knowing we're gonna eat the same microwave dinner everyday, and when we can't fucking taste it anymore we gotta get a Rona test. Fucking nonsense. Yea, we got ugly toes too, so what? It's not a disease!!
We felt a little better after that pep talk but we were still ultra vigilant once we got inside. We were making moves in that place like a young Lev'eon Bell. Just walkin real real slow, wait for the hole to open up, and BANG we're running right past em.
They had arrows on the floor too, but fuck that, we were on a mission, and not nobody in that Ikea could touch our footwork today. We were jukin em, then hit em with the spin move like what. Fuck with me!!!!
Since we knew we'd be writing about this later we decided to count how many people we got closer than 6 ft to, and we got to 108. Not many were in my zone for more than a second or two, and all wore masks. Still, despite our best efforts, with an active COVID rate of about 5.5% in that part of NJ, there were probably 5 or 6 Rona cases breathing our air today.
Pretty sure the NFL would consider that "low-risk contact" so we're just gonna keep it movin for now.
OH SHIT, WE FORGOT ABOUT
We were supposed to have started WHOS HOT?!? five weeks ago, but we just plum forgot, it's the darndest thing.
To keep it 100, it’s been a little harder for us to focus on fantasy football this year on account of the sense of impending doom. Plus, obviously, there's been a lotta changes to our weekly routine around the DYM Home Office. Working from home was the shit at first - no commute, flexible schedule. But in the early days when there was no sports, we came up with a bunch of busy body activities to distract us from the apocalypse. By September our schedule was actutally a lot fuller than it would have normally been. Now we gotta work, teach kindergarten, fix up the house, barnstorm all the Pokemon gyms in Madison, win a PGA Tour championship on the Switch, and try to salvage a fucking stupid Saquon+Ekeler team in the new league.
Something was bound to fall through the cracks.
Now, at the end of the day, we really have no one to blame but ourselves, but to be honest we're a little disappointed that none of y'all ever asked about it.
ITS SPOILER WEEK
IN THE SPECIAL ED LEAGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EVERY GAME MATTERS in the final week of the regular season because NONE of the playoff seeds are set. Three teams are already eliminated from the playoffs, but each of them has the chance to RUIN someone's playoff dreams.
Bring it on Home is the only team that knows for sure they're playing next week.
The Rippers, PAT, and DYM are all contending for the week 14 bye, any of them could finish in first place. Polk High, THE White Jesus Poison, and Zombie Paternos are all tied at 6-6 so they are all on the brink of elimination, but could finish as high as 4th. But first they'll have to pass the final crucible of the 2020 season: THE SPOILER GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The most intriguing spoiler matchup is Sharon vs PAT, the #2 HOTTEST team in the league vs the #2 team in the standings.
Paul's Awesome Team has been pretty awesome all year long, but Sharon has also put up over 125 twice in the last three weeks.
They always show up against PAT - When these two last met Sharon posted their highest score of the year, 137.76. And of course, Special Ed historians will never forget their 2017 Playoff matchup where Sharon trounced the 3-time champ 164.02 - 88.34.
Pickle Ricks!! also holds a Heat Index advantage over his playoff-contending opponent - Polk High Panthers. When they met in week 4 The Panthers put up their highest score of this season, and second highest score of their career, 163.42. But entering this season The Ricks had beaten PHP 5 straight times dating back to 2015. They'll be thirsty for revenge this week.
AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES
TOBIN & THE RIPPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AGoTW Prediction Record: 5-6
GENTLE REMINDER: If we win, we will be hosting the 3rd Annual Bye Week DFS Showdown. PAT are the reigning champs of The Showdown, and it's always a lotta fun, so if Tobin gets this win we highly encourage him to test his mettle against the our guy Paul next week.
As The Commish so kindly pointed out on the group chat, The Rippers will need to win this game by 28 or more to ensure a Week 14 bye. A big win and a PAT win would send DYM down to 3rd. We would then face one of the 6-6 teams (Polk High, The White Jesus Poison, or Zombie Paternos). A more modest Rippers win could still move them into second if PAT loses to Sharon. If PAT wins and DYM loses by less than 28 then PAT goes up to first, DYM goes to 2nd, and Tobin stays in 3rd.
We gotta admit, The Rippers have some dynamite matchups, and our squad really doesn't, so there's a good chance they pull off this big BIG win. Plus they have a rare fantasy revenge game opportunity this week:
We tried to trade for Al Rob a couple weeks ago, but Tobin denied us. According to the ancient rules of Fantasy Revenge, whenever we have a trade offer rebuffed, the player we wanted will usually play like shit against us the next time we see him; That's what you call an "anti-revenge game". It's a key part of our fantasy defense strategy.
Unfortunately for us Robinson is now questionable after a late week practice injury (always the worst) making this now a Reverse Anti-Revenge Game in Tobin's favor.
Once every twenty years Jupiter and Saturn come into alignment in the sky above the northern hemisphere. So it's no surprise that, as the planets near their generational alignment this month, David Johnson would be activated for a revenge game against DYM. We drafted DJ in the 4th round, but dropped him when he went to IR last month. If Tobin were to bench Allen Robinson and start David Johnson it would complete this league's first ever Revenge Game-Reverse Anti-Revenge Game convergence.
It's possibly unstoppable.
DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs. SHARON ERTZ
On the way back from Ikea we heard a guy call in to a radio show and ask if he should start Tony Gibson over Zeke. The host hemmed and hawed as we screamed at the radio "YES!!!! START GIBSON!!!"
Predictably they told the caller he "can't bench his #1 pick at this point." Jeez Louise, you guys, big smgdh. Antonio Gibson has SEVEN (7) touchdowns in the last 4 weeks, and he's the #2 RB in our league over that span (#1 in non-PPR).
We're not gonna air out this radio guy here, but we will tell you we happen to know that this guy was PAT's go-to when they had XM. We were really hoping to hear PAT call in and ask this clown if he likes Damien Harris or Amari this week. We just know he's gonna blow it.
SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE WHITE JESUS POISON vs MAKE IT DEEP
Tacos has the only non-playoff team that's less HOT than their SPOILER opponent. The Commish is running luke warm at 104.90 over the last three weeks. Meanwhile Tacos is averaging a paltry 94.83 over the last 3, the second lowest in the league. In fact they're averaging just 102.55 since week 4, also second lowest in the league, and they've only won 2 games in the last 9 weeks.
It's sad, tho. That team was gangbusters for the first two or three weeks. In week 1 they had the league high score at 159.04. After week 3 they still led the league in points with 137.27 per game, but the wheels had actually already fallen off a week before. In week 2 this team lost three of their DYM Hall of Famers: C-Mac, Smokey Brown, and Raheem "The Most" Mostert. They should have been toast after week two, but Russell and Hopkins kept them afloat in week 3 before losing each of the next two games by less than 1 point. If Julio and Josh Kelley coulda dropped one more pass, or got injured just one play sooner, then Dougy Tacos could've been 6-6 and competing for a playoff spot right now, but alas.
THE WHITE JESUS POISON WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BRING IT ON HOME vs. ZOMBIE PATERNOS
ZP is about 70 points behind the rest of the 6-6 teams. So if both PHP and The Commish win, then ZP is gonna be assed out no matter what happens here.
There was some late breaking news on Saturday that could be relevant to this game:
Tua was activated late in the afternoon. He's listed as Q but the Dolphins haven't "named a starter" yet. If Miami benches FItz, then Devonte Parker has to hit the ZP's bench too. We know he's itching to start Hamler anyway, it must be killing him to start a guy that played football in the Big East.
ZOMBIE PATERNOS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!