DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #14 - FANTASY FOOTBALL TAROT - Part IV


What's up, Special Ed?

Big night here at the DYM Home Office. Miss Cleo is in the house for the NFC South Preview. We're watching Black Widow right now and then some late night Olympic Hoops. Hopefully we'll be able to get Cleo's takes on those too.


LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



DYM AT THE MOVIES: BLACK WIDOW


Black Widow is on Disney+ right now, and you gotta pay for it. We were really intending to not pay for this movie cause its a 2020 production, so it's almost guaranteed to not actually be good. But we had a meeting with our Stats & Baseball Consultant (the official Dad of DYM), and he highly recommended it. We figured we already paid to see Tenet - which NOBODY said was good - so we really got no excuse not to spring for this one too.

Plus, Scarlett Johansson is too goddamn fine.

This is an incredible time to be alive cause the top 5 sexiest actresses in the game right now are ALL Jewish:

1 - Gal Gadot (JONJ score: 13/15)

2 - Natalie Portman (14/15)

3 - Scarlett Johansson (11/15)

4 - Alison Brie (9/15)

5 - Rashida Jones (10/15)


We've been Team ScarJo ever since she did those Woody Allen flicks in the early 2000's. Match Point and Vicky Cristina Barcelona were probably the two fuckin sexiest films of all time. We still have dreams about ScarJo and Penelope Cruz and were pretty sure our wife does too.


LIVE BLOG STYLE!!!!!

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!


15 min: Black Widow is a timeless allegory that poses the question: "What if Jeffrey Epstein was a Russian warlord instead of just, like, a party host?"


So, there's this evil Russian General who scours the Earth to find the FINEST women. Then he kidnaps em and brainwashes em to be ethno-fascist super-soldiers.

Pretty dope concept.


We knew right away that this flick was gonna be a solid Space Jam 2-esque Hero's Journey cause the first scene had little kid ScarJo hanging with her dad.


'22 - The First Threshold: Our wife walked in about 20 minutes late but she's IN. She LOVES ScarJo.


'50 - Belly of the Whale: The movie is 135 min long; at '50 we see The Dad again.

I pause it right here and explain to the wife that that guy is ScarJo and The Blonde Hottie's dad from the first scene.

So then I says to her, I says: "Yo. I bet you $100 ScarJo is sitting down face-to-face with him in about 15min."

She was like "Damn, its like that?!"

We were like "Word. Tellin you, watch."


See, folks, if The Official Dad of DYM said this is a "good movie" then it's 100% guaranteed to be a proper Lebron's Journey and therefor an actual good movie. She's gonna meet her father, then face impossible odds, then be gifted a weapon, then lose it, then save the world.


'65 - Atonement with The Father: NAILED IT!!!! Got dad into the chopper just in time.


'78 - Apostasis: Hot Blonde Sister is down. Fuckin knew they couldnt trust that third-wheel chick.


'100: The Ultimate Boon:


'105:

ScarJo's in trouble yo.

Swear to god we paused it here and we said to the wife, we said "Yo. Fuckin Blonde Hottie is gonna come back and save the day. I'm tellin you."

and she was like "Is she dead?"

and we were like "NOT CONFIRMED DEAD!!!"


'107: THE RESCUE FROM WITHOUT!!!!!!!!

OMG WE TOLD YALL!!!!

MOTHERFUCKIN BLONDE HOTTIE IS BACK IN THE BUILDING!!!!!!!!!


LETS FUCKIN GOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


'114 - Master of Two Worlds:

The 16th step of the Hero's Journey is when the Hero accepts death as a natural part of life, and submits to fate. It is a sacrificial act, where her death allows the others to live on (like Hercules, Jesus, Goku, or Bugs Bunny in SJ2).

Blonde Hottie is literally Hercules right now. Fuck wit me.


'125 - FREEDOM TO LIVE (reincarnation):

ScarJo is blonde now. The End.

LATE NIGHT OLYMPICS UPDATE


Alright, you guys. We drank a whole bottle of chianti during Black Widow so we're fuckin amped to watch USA vs IRAN and then make a miss cleo video.


This is a MUST WIN GAME for Team USA. We got beat by France in an ugly ugly game on Sunday. Nobody could hit a shot (predictably, since half the team is on 12-hour jet lag) but we played good enough defense to keep it close. We gotta see a first half blow-out tonight or we're gonna be very concerned.


As of right now (11:23pm EST Tuesday) the host country, Japan, is leading the gold medal count with 11. USA is tied with China with 10.

Biden's sending troops to the border right now cause we got a loooong way to go to get to 45 and it's looking shaky as fuck. Pretty much every sport we were supposed to dominate is gettin mushed like a motherfucker.

  • Women's Soccer is 1-1-1 in prelims, and scored zero (0) goals in two of the three games. They face Netherlands in the quarterfinals. The Dutch are the highest scoring team in the olympics so far, and just so happen to be the last team to beat the USWNT.

  • Katie Ledecky, our nation's best swimmer, was the favorite in every event she entered but has two Sivers and one Gold so far this week.

  • Simone Biles, perhaps the best athlete overall in the Olympics, backed out of the Gymnastics Team Finals cause she got the fuckin yips. For real.

  • And then there's Men's 5x5 Hoops, obviously

We just get the gold in women's Surfing tho.



NFC SOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



1:10 AM:

GOODNIGHT!!!!!!




HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!