We kept you guys waiting a LONG time for this one -- our Capitol Riot buddy comedy is finally coming to fruition.
Members of the now-defunt "REAL Special Ed Group Text" will recall we introduced this story live on January 6th 2021.
We saw these two bozos getting hassled by the BBC reporters on the scene, and they looked downright archetypal.
We said: "Apollo and Artemis here got kicked out of every Waffle House between Houston and DC this weekend."
And the basic plot outline flowed pretty smoothly from there.
Later that day we crowd-sourced a few early casting choices for when Netflix picks up the options on this bad boy. Here's the cast of characters for the first act:
Artemis - Christian Bale
Apollo - Seth Rogen
Dionysus - Pete Davidson
The Gorgons (Medusa, Sthenno, and Euryale) - Rihanna
Cupid - Kristin Bell (as Anna from Frozen)
Zeus - Jeff Bridges
Your narrator is a foxy little number called Atlantiades - the hermaphroditic child of Mercury and Venus. They'll be played by the great Keri Russell.
APOLLO & ARTEMIS GET KICKED OUT OF WAFFLE HOUSE
CHAPTER I: Apollo & Artemis Get Kicked Out of Olympus
What's up, everybody! I'm Atlantiades, but my friends just call me A-T-L.
You guys might remember me from my stint in the Wonder Woman comics, back in 2019. Volume five, number sixty-nine through eighty-one? No? Oh, well that's OK. Even if you never heard of me, you're probably familiar with know my work. I control all the cupids on Earth, so anytime you got a boner or your pussy got wet, that was me.
But enough about me, I got a story to tell you guys. It's about my best friend Artemis and her dumb-ass brother, and how they fucked everything up for everybody. They're gonna be pissed when they find out I told you guys all this - but it's just too fuckin’ funny. Plus they're in jail right now anyway - Fuckin' HUMAN jail, on EARTH! I'm tellin you guys - They fucked up Carson Wentz style - unmitigated disaster.
It all started about 800 years ago - The year was 1226.
My granddad Zeus had arranged a huge party on Mount Olympus for his 5,000th birthday. He invited everybody. All the other Gods, even his dad Uranus who he hadn't talked to in like forever.
He made a super big deal about it, even got the planets to align just right so great-grandpa could come down and wouldn’t complain about the schlepp (spoiler alert - he complained about the schlepp).
My dad, Mercury, had to haul thousands of barrels of Zeus’ favorite Sicilian wine up there. Z kept sending him back for more until there were no grapes left on the whole island. My mom, Venus, called me a couple days before and she's all like "Hey why don't I give you a ride up to Olympus?"
And I'm like "Nah, mom, I'm gonna fly. I can fly. Remember?"
She fuckin knew that shit, buy she tries to play dumb like "Oh, yea, right. Hey why don't you send a cupid to pick me up to and we can fly together?!" She’s always trying to get the cupids to fly her places. Then she always asks them why I don't have a “boyfriend” yet. Ugh. So annoying. I had to make something up about how I had some errands to do that day, so I might be late, and I know you gotta get there early to help dad and granddad setup... yadda yadda yadda.
That's why when I got there the night before I had to avoid her completely. It was a new moon that night so I knew Artemis was home. I told Cupid to wait outside til I called her, so Artie wouldn't think I was tryin to fuck her (which I kinda was). I snuck in the back door, real quiet, Grandad didn't even hear me come in, and I went straight up the stairs to Artemis' room. Her and Apollo were up there smoking blunts and playing Mario Kart.
"Yo! What's up, you guys?!"
Apollo and Artemis look up from the game. "A-T-L IN THE BUILDING!!!" Apollo exclaims. "Come'ere, hit this, dog!!" He pointed a lit blunt in my direction.
"Don't mind if I do!!!" I took the blunt and hit it as I sat between them on the couch.
Apollo looks me up and down, "Nice outfit, A-T, hehe." I don't wear clothes, of course, but he always thinks that shit is funny. He's so stupid, ugh.
"You guys just been up here playing games all night?" I asked.
"Yea, well Apollo's gotta get up early tomorrow for sunrise, so we were just gonna stay in tonight." Artemis said staring straight ahead at the screen. Then she turned toward me and said "You can hang if you want, A-T-L" addinng a suggestive lilt to her voice.
"Oh yea?" I said, placing a hand on her thigh.
She winks at me and twirls my hair around her finger. "Yea. Apollo was just leaving. Weren't you, Ape?"
"Yea, yea, one more game tho." Apollo's eyes are fixated on the screen, he doesn't notice our flirting.
Apollo started up another race, and I started to roll another blunt.
Just then the door flies open. We hear "WHAT'S UP LOSERS?!? YOU GUYS TRYINA PARTY OR WHAT???"
"YOOOO, HOT'LANTA!!! Oh shit! I didn't know you were coming!! Now it's a fuckin PARTY!!!"
"What up, D?" I said cooly. I love D. That's my road dog from way back, but I just knew he was gonna cock-block me and Artie.
The Gorgon sisters were looking HOT that night. Wearing their sexiest little dresses, fresh pedicures, and their snakes were all curled up. They did NOT come here to smoke blunts and play Mario Kart.
"What the fuck is this, D? This place smells like my dad's car. You said this was a the party?"
"Yea, I know, baby, chill. We're goin, we're goin." Dionysus lit a cigarette and handed it to Euryale. "Just gimme a minute a'ight?"
Dionysus leaned over the back of the couch and whispered to us. "You guys gotta help me out. I told these chicks we could pre-game before Z's party but there's no fucking wine left down there. You guys got any drinks in the fridge?"
"I know, my dad brought all the grapes up here for Grandpa Z. I could send Cupid down to get some blow or something."
"Oh Cupid’s here too?! Niiiice!!! But don't tell Medusa tho, I don't want her to think I'm trying to fuck her."
"But you are trying to fuck her." I said, raising my voice so the Gorgons might hear.
"Shhhhhh!!!! Damn, keep it down!"
"Hehehehe. I got you, D." I said, nudging him with my elbow. I had an idea where this could work out for both of us.
I turned to Artemis. "Hey, Artie, you know where your dad keeps the wine, right?"
Apollo interrupts before she can answer. "Aw c'mon, you guys. I gotta get up early tomorrow."
I know Apollo doesn't like going out at night but he’s a push-over. He never says no to me. I put a hand on his shoulder and say, gently: "You don't have to drink if you don't want to, Ape. Just play us some music for us for like an hour. Please?"
"Ugh, fine, but this is the last time, A-T." Apollo puts down the controller and turns off the TV. "I'll go get my guitar."
Apollo goes to get his shit and Atrie goes to her room to get dressed. I went to holler at the Gorgons, who were taking turns smoking Dionysus' cigarette. "Long time no see, ladies."
"'Sup, Atlantiades. Nice dress." Medusa says, looking straight through me. The Gorgons are still mad at me it seems. It's a long story.
"Ha. Good one." I'm trying to be nice 'cause D's my boy. "How's Solomon?"
"Fine. We'll tell him you said hi."
"Please do." Oof. The Gorgon's were not feelin me. I'm definitely gonna have to bring Cupid with us down to the wine cellar.
Thankfully Artie and Ape came back out just then and we all headed down stairs. Artie led us through the labyrinth beneath the palace, and into Zeus' secret wine cellar.
It was incredible. Literally all the wine in Sicily was bottled and ready for the party. I think I saw D cry a little bit when he saw it.
We each grabbed a bottle and popped em open.
It was DELICIOUS!!! Went down so smooth. We told Apollo he had to try it.
Next thing you know Ape is pulling out a folding table to set up a beirut game. Him and Artie played the first game against D and Medusa.
While they played I snuck back upstairs to grab Cupid. Gonna get this party POPPIN!
When I got back to the cellar Artie and the Gorgons were shotgunning wine bottles. Artie's a maniac. She was gonna drink them under the fuckin table. Apollo and Dionysus were half in the bag too. Ape was rolling a blunt. D was trying to tap a keg. They didn't even notice Cupid, who crept around and hit all five of them in the back while I casually got myself a bottle off the shelf.
Now, Artie happens to be one of the special goddesses who can't be influenced by Cupid (but I know she ain't no virgin!), the love potion usually just gets her a little loose. Cupid hit her with an arrow and she kept on pounding the wine like nothing happened, so she hit her with two more for good measure. But the Gorgons' snakes instantly started to unwind as Apollo and Dionysus swaggered over toward them.
Then, "BAM!!!" I saw Artemis out of the corner of my eye smashing her empty bottle on the table.
"WOOOOO!!!!!" She howled and started strutting and shaking her fingers like Ric Flair.