We kept you guys waiting a LONG time for this one -- our Capitol Riot buddy comedy is finally coming to fruition.
Members of the now-defunt "REAL Special Ed Group Text" will recall we introduced this story live on January 6th 2021.
We saw these two bozos getting hassled by the BBC reporters on the scene, and they looked downright archetypal.
We said: "Apollo and Artemis here got kicked out of every Waffle House between Houston and DC this weekend."
And the basic plot outline flowed pretty smoothly from there.
Later that day we crowd-sourced a few early casting choices for when Netflix picks up the options on this bad boy. Here's the cast of characters for the first act:
Artemis - Christian Bale
Apollo - Seth Rogen
Dionysus - Pete Davidson
The Gorgons (Medusa, Sthenno, and Euryale) - Rihanna
Cupid - Kristin Bell (as Anna from Frozen)
Zeus - Jeff Bridges
Your narrator is a foxy little number called Atlantiades - the hermaphroditic child of Mercury and Venus. They'll be played by the great Keri Russell.
APOLLO & ARTEMIS GET KICKED OUT OF WAFFLE HOUSE
CHAPTER I: Apollo & Artemis Get Kicked Out of Olympus
What's up, everybody! I'm Atlantiades, but my friends just call me A-T-L.
You guys might remember me from my stint in the Wonder Woman comics, back in 2019. Volume five, number sixty-nine through eighty-one? No? Oh, well that's OK. Even if you never heard of me, you're probably familiar with know my work. I control all the cupids on Earth, so anytime you got a boner or your pussy got wet, that was me.
You're welcome.
But enough about me, I got a story to tell you guys. It's about my best friend Artemis and her dumb-ass brother, and how they fucked everything up for everybody. They're gonna be pissed when they find out I told you guys all this - but it's just too fuckin’ funny. Plus they're in jail right now anyway - Fuckin' HUMAN jail, on EARTH! I'm tellin you guys - They fucked up Carson Wentz style - unmitigated disaster.
It all started about 800 years ago - The year was 1226.
My granddad Zeus had arranged a huge party on Mount Olympus for his 5,000th birthday. He invited everybody. All the other Gods, even his dad Uranus who he hadn't talked to in like forever.
He made a super big deal about it, even got the planets to align just right so great-grandpa could come down and wouldn’t complain about the schlepp (spoiler alert - he complained about the schlepp).
My dad, Mercury, had to haul thousands of barrels of Zeus’ favorite Sicilian wine up there. Z kept sending him back for more until there were no grapes left on the whole island. My mom, Venus, called me a couple days before and she's all like "Hey why don't I give you a ride up to Olympus?"
And I'm like "Nah, mom, I'm gonna fly. I can fly. Remember?"
She fuckin knew that shit, buy she tries to play dumb like "Oh, yea, right. Hey why don't you send a cupid to pick me up to and we can fly together?!" She’s always trying to get the cupids to fly her places. Then she always asks them why I don't have a “boyfriend” yet. Ugh. So annoying. I had to make something up about how I had some errands to do that day, so I might be late, and I know you gotta get there early to help dad and granddad setup... yadda yadda yadda.
That's why when I got there the night before I had to avoid her completely. It was a new moon that night so I knew Artemis was home. I told Cupid to wait outside til I called her, so Artie wouldn't think I was tryin to fuck her (which I kinda was). I snuck in the back door, real quiet, Grandad didn't even hear me come in, and I went straight up the stairs to Artemis' room. Her and Apollo were up there smoking blunts and playing Mario Kart.
"Yo! What's up, you guys?!"
Apollo and Artemis look up from the game. "A-T-L IN THE BUILDING!!!" Apollo exclaims. "Come'ere, hit this, dog!!" He pointed a lit blunt in my direction.
"Don't mind if I do!!!" I took the blunt and hit it as I sat between them on the couch.
Apollo looks me up and down, "Nice outfit, A-T, hehe." I don't wear clothes, of course, but he always thinks that shit is funny. He's so stupid, ugh.
"You guys just been up here playing games all night?" I asked.
"Yea, well Apollo's gotta get up early tomorrow for sunrise, so we were just gonna stay in tonight." Artemis said staring straight ahead at the screen. Then she turned toward me and said "You can hang if you want, A-T-L" addinng a suggestive lilt to her voice.
"Oh yea?" I said, placing a hand on her thigh.
She winks at me and twirls my hair around her finger. "Yea. Apollo was just leaving. Weren't you, Ape?"
"Yea, yea, one more game tho." Apollo's eyes are fixated on the screen, he doesn't notice our flirting.
Apollo started up another race, and I started to roll another blunt.
Just then the door flies open. We hear "WHAT'S UP LOSERS?!? YOU GUYS TRYINA PARTY OR WHAT???"
It's Dionysus.
"YOOOO, HOT'LANTA!!! Oh shit! I didn't know you were coming!! Now it's a fuckin PARTY!!!"
"What up, D?" I said cooly. I love D. That's my road dog from way back, but I just knew he was gonna cock-block me and Artie.
Dionysus walked in followed by Medusa and her sisters Stheno and Euryale.
The Gorgon sisters were looking HOT that night. Wearing their sexiest little dresses, fresh pedicures, and their snakes were all curled up. They did NOT come here to smoke blunts and play Mario Kart.
"What the fuck is this, D? This place smells like my dad's car. You said this was a the party?"
"Yea, I know, baby, chill. We're goin, we're goin." Dionysus lit a cigarette and handed it to Euryale. "Just gimme a minute a'ight?"
Dionysus leaned over the back of the couch and whispered to us. "You guys gotta help me out. I told these chicks we could pre-game before Z's party but there's no fucking wine left down there. You guys got any drinks in the fridge?"
"I know, my dad brought all the grapes up here for Grandpa Z. I could send Cupid down to get some blow or something."
"Oh Cupid’s here too?! Niiiice!!! But don't tell Medusa tho, I don't want her to think I'm trying to fuck her."
"But you are trying to fuck her." I said, raising my voice so the Gorgons might hear.
"Shhhhhh!!!! Damn, keep it down!"
"Hehehehe. I got you, D." I said, nudging him with my elbow. I had an idea where this could work out for both of us.
I turned to Artemis. "Hey, Artie, you know where your dad keeps the wine, right?"
Apollo interrupts before she can answer. "Aw c'mon, you guys. I gotta get up early tomorrow."
I know Apollo doesn't like going out at night but he’s a push-over. He never says no to me. I put a hand on his shoulder and say, gently: "You don't have to drink if you don't want to, Ape. Just play us some music for us for like an hour. Please?"
"Ugh, fine, but this is the last time, A-T." Apollo puts down the controller and turns off the TV. "I'll go get my guitar."
Apollo goes to get his shit and Atrie goes to her room to get dressed. I went to holler at the Gorgons, who were taking turns smoking Dionysus' cigarette. "Long time no see, ladies."
"'Sup, Atlantiades. Nice dress." Medusa says, looking straight through me. The Gorgons are still mad at me it seems. It's a long story.
"Ha. Good one." I'm trying to be nice 'cause D's my boy. "How's Solomon?"
"Fine. We'll tell him you said hi."
"Please do." Oof. The Gorgon's were not feelin me. I'm definitely gonna have to bring Cupid with us down to the wine cellar.
Thankfully Artie and Ape came back out just then and we all headed down stairs. Artie led us through the labyrinth beneath the palace, and into Zeus' secret wine cellar.
It was incredible. Literally all the wine in Sicily was bottled and ready for the party. I think I saw D cry a little bit when he saw it.
We each grabbed a bottle and popped em open.
It was DELICIOUS!!! Went down so smooth. We told Apollo he had to try it.
Next thing you know Ape is pulling out a folding table to set up a beirut game. Him and Artie played the first game against D and Medusa.
While they played I snuck back upstairs to grab Cupid. Gonna get this party POPPIN!
When I got back to the cellar Artie and the Gorgons were shotgunning wine bottles. Artie's a maniac. She was gonna drink them under the fuckin table. Apollo and Dionysus were half in the bag too. Ape was rolling a blunt. D was trying to tap a keg. They didn't even notice Cupid, who crept around and hit all five of them in the back while I casually got myself a bottle off the shelf.
Now, Artie happens to be one of the special goddesses who can't be influenced by Cupid (but I know she ain't no virgin!), the love potion usually just gets her a little loose. Cupid hit her with an arrow and she kept on pounding the wine like nothing happened, so she hit her with two more for good measure. But the Gorgons' snakes instantly started to unwind as Apollo and Dionysus swaggered over toward them.
Then, "BAM!!!" I saw Artemis out of the corner of my eye smashing her empty bottle on the table.
"WOOOOO!!!!!" She howled and started strutting and shaking her fingers like Ric Flair.
Artie was lit. We all knew what was coming next.
Dionysus pointed at Artie with both hands and yelled:
"I'M THE STYLIN‘!! PROFILIN'..."
Artie fired the finger-guns back at D:
"...JET FLYIN'!! CADILLAC DRIVIN'..."
They kept going back and forth -
"...WHEELIN' AND DEALIN'!! KISS STEALIN’!!."
"...LIMOUSINE RIDIN'!!"
“…DIAMOND ROLEX WEARIN' SON OF A GUN!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
"WOOOOOO!!!!!"
Then Artemis bum rushed D. She put a fuckin perfect form tackle on him like TJ Watt, and they both crashed through the table. There was broken glass and wine everywhere. D and Artie didn't give a fuck, they were rolling around, laughing their asses off. Feelin no pain. Ape climbed the shelves and dropped a flying elbow on both of them.
This was all part of the plan of course. I wanted Artie to blow off some steam down here so I could scoop her up when she was ready to go to bed. Otherwise she’ll stay up all night.
At this point the Gorgons were warming up to me so I poured four glasses and set 'em out on a clean barrel. We drank a bit more and made some small talk. Cupid took a bottle down too. She used to live with them back when I was little. It was actually kinda nice catching up with the old crew. But Stheno was starting to nod out, so I sent Cupid back upstairs to get us some munchies. She came back with the whole spread from the party. Cocktail shrimp, fondue fountain, cheeseburger sliders, calamari, prosciutto, chicken fingers, THE WORKS!!! The Nature Boys smelled it coming too and we all WENT IN on that buffet like Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Back in the day, me and Artemis used to get shit-faced together all the time, but I had never seen her this fucked up before.
She made this giant sandwich, which was like a fish sandwich, a burger, and a chicken sandwich all stacked on top of each other.
Then she stood up on the table and declared it the King of Sandwiches.
We all looked at eachother, kind of confused. Nobody was really sure what that meant but she seemed serious. Her eyes rolled back in her head for a second and she said some sort of magic spell none of us had ever heard before. The cheese and coleslaw started to glow as she took the first bite.
Then she jumped down off the table and ran up to each of us raving about how brilliant it was, and how it was the most delicious, and most beautiful sandwich ever. And she begged us all to try it. It was kinda gross, honestly, but The Gorgons really got into it too. Once Artie got around to them they ate the whole thing and pulled Artie over to the buffet and begged her to make more. Then Artie and the three snake sisters ran off to another room clutching their precious sandwiches.
Apollo, Dionysus, and me were like what the fuck, for real. It looked like my chances with Artie were fucked for the night. So the three of us went back to pounding wine.
We took down a few more bottles then Apollo picked up the guitar to show us how he taught himself how to play Hot For Teacher. He was way too drunk, and it sounded like shit, so D and I stumbled off to another room to crash.
We weren't asleep for more than a few hours before we woke up to the sound of the Gorgons puking in the next room. Dionysus rolls over and says "Damn, how much did they drink, I've never seen them puke before."
I never had either. Gods don't get hangovers, ever.
We went to go to their room to see what was going on when Artie came busting out of the door screaming, "OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!!!!!"
"Woah!!" I grabbed Artie by the arm, "What the fuck happened?"
"Oh shit, A-T, I fucked up bad!! I think they're pregnant!!!"
"They're WHAT?!?!" D and I yell simultaneously.
"Oh shit oh shit. Zeus is gonna flip. OH SHIT ZEUS!! THE PARTY!!! Where's Apollo???"
Artemis ran back into the cellar to find Apollo and get the place cleaned up. D and I went into the room to check on the ladies.
Yup, they're pregnant alright.
It's the damnedest thing. See, a long time ago King Solomon had used his magic to fix all the demons and nymphs so only he could get 'em pregnant; but somehow that blessing Artie put on "The Sandwich King" undid it and they all got knocked up with sandwich babies. Ain't that about a bitch?!
We heard a lot of noise coming from down the hall:
First it sounded like Apollo had figured out the opening to Hot For Teacher, it sounded good this time too. "Oh shit, D, he got it!" I said, nodding my head. I was just about to go out there when we heard a door slam and the music stopped. D blocked my way out to the hall. "It’s Zeus.” He says, “Apollo forgot the sunrise. Zeus is gonna fuckin lose it when he sees all the wine is gone. They are FUCKED."
"What do we do?"
"Fuckin' NOTHING! We stay right fuckin' here and hide unless you wanna get a lightning bolt up your ass.” D was somehow both whispering and screaming at me at the same time. “We just wait here til Zeus leaves. Then we'll sneak out, fly back down to Earth, and split up so he doesn't come after us."
Just then Medusa slapped D in the back of the head. "Fuck Zeus!! Look at us!!! We can't go home like this."
"She's right," I said, "Solomon'll never believe they got pregnant from a sandwich. And he knows they're here so he’ll probably blame us. The girls have to stay up here til after the sandwich babies are born.”
”And then what, ATLANTIADES?” Medusa got right up in my face “We’re just gonna go home and pretend this never happened? Fuck you! I love that sandwich and we are gonna be a part of our sandwich baby’s life.”
”Yea, the sandwich loves us too!!” The sisters chime in, “We’re gonna be happy together!!!”
Dionysus tried to keep them calm “OK, OK. We’ll figure this out. But first we gotta get out of this cellar.”
Cupid knew the way. “There’s another stairway at the end of this hall. We can get outside from there.”
We tiptoed out into the hall. Grandpa Z’s voice echoed through the whole cellar, he was PISSED.
“THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU TWO FUCK UP MY SHIT!! YOU’RE FUCKING DONE, BOTH OF YOU!!! RA AND THOTH ARE ALREADY HERE, I’M GIVING THEM THE SUN AND MOON BACK!!“
”Oh c’mon, dad, it’s not our fault…” Apollo begged.
“I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT! YOU TWO ARE BANISHED!!! 1,000 YEARS ON EARTH!!! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!!”
”No! Dad, please!!” They both cried.
“GET OUT!!!!“ Thunder boomed from down the hall.
D stopped, looked back at us, and whispered, “Told y’all. Lightning up the ass.”
We crept up the stairs and out the back door. Cupid filled us in on the rest of her plan:
"Once Apollo and Artemis come out we take the last few bottles out of the cellar, head down to Earth, and go straight to King Solomon's castle. We'll have Artemis disguise herself as Medusa and go to Solomon with the wine. She gets Solomon drunk while Cupid flies up behind him and shoots him with a love arrow. Artemis takes Solomon to bed and then, when it's dark, she sneaks out and Medusa sneaks in. In the morning Solomon'll think he got the Gorgons pregnant.”
Medusa wasn't convinced. "But it's a Sandwich Baby, Solomon will know it's not his."
"How will he know?" Asked Cupid. "You ever seen a Sandwich Baby?"
"Well. No."
"Me neither. So I say we cross that bridge when we get to it. For now this is the only way we all get home tonight. Well, except for Artie and Ape, of course, they're fucked. But since they got nowhere else to go, they'll have to go along with us."
It was hard to argue with Cupid's logic.
