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Updated: Sep 29, 2023



What's up Special Ed?!?!?!?!


Week three was a very good week for guys named Mike.

Except Mike Williams, of course, but he had 121 and a TD before his knee blew out so that's still a good fantasy week in a vacuum.

Kull, Tobin, and Mike Stanley all got big, BIG wins - all scoring over 145. Mike Evans scored a TD - like he does ever week. Michael Pittman, Michael Gallup (FA), and Michael Wilson (FA) all had over 75 yards, and Michael Thomas was just OK with 50 yards on 9 targets. -- Even Mike Fuckin White got a TD last week!!!

GREAT JOB MIKES!!!

It's so sad tho, you guys. Funny names might be dead in fantasy now. Kenneth, Christian, Justin, and various Mikes are probably the best players this year - and DYM is gonna take some 4pm Sunday naps!!!!


LETS GOOOOOOOO (back to bed)!!!!!!!!!

 

WU-TANG CLAN IS SOMETHING TO FUCK WIT

We used to go to a lot of rap concerts in the 2000s and 2010s. Yet, last night was only the second time ever that we had seen Nas or Wu-Tang; and we don't think there'll ever be a third for either of them.


This was one of the worst shows we've ever seen by almost any conceivable metric. Sometimes, you would think this was the first concert these folks had ever put on: The sound was horrible; One of De La Soul's mics was turned off for like three songs; and most of the rappers cuffed the mic and alternated between shouting and mumbling off-beat so it was impossible to follow along. We've seen better karaoke renditions of most of these songs.

And the crowd was NOT feelin it. this was like maybe one level up from a Disney Broadway show in terms of audience rowdiness.

Play this video -->

Listen to this pathetic attempt at crowd work by Nas and DJ Green Lantern. SMGDH. They never had a chance.


We wanna give them the benefit of the doubt because they're all over 50 and they've been performing 5-nights a week since May. That's gotta be tough. But they were clearly just going through the motions last night, and it's still hard to forgive the overt laziness. We didn't get a RZA verse until over an hour in and we think he only did like 3 or four songs total - and he SUCKED. It's like, OK, we get it - it was a Wednseday night, everybody was drunk - but it's times like this when the RZA and the GZA need to lead by example. ODB's kid is great, sure, but you can't expect him to carry the whole set.


There were a few highlights tho:

Method Man showed up and did the whole Wu-Tang set and a solo set. That's big because he's shooting a movie right now (locally) so he hasn't actually been on the tour thus far. Meth was good, he always brings the energy.


Raekwon, who we've long contended is the best rapper in the Wu, is a consummate professional and still a very very good rapper. Also, big shout out to Inspectah Deck, he's a fucking professional rapper too.


NY State of Mind Tour Power Rankings:

1 Method Man

2 Raekwon

3 Inspectah Deck

4 Pharaoh Monch

5 Cappadonna

6 Ghostface

7 Biggie's verse on 'The What'

8 Nas

9 Little Dirty

10 Talib kwali

11 GZA

12 RZA

13 De La Soul (DNP)


 

FOOD BEEF 2023:

CHICKEN SANDWICHES - SPICY DIVISION!!!!

Wingstop - Morristown

According to wikipedia: "Between 2014 and 2016, Wingstop was the third-fastest-growing restaurant chain in the US as measured by both system-wide sales and unit growth." Cool!


The very first Summit-metro-area Wingstop just opened this past year. It's OK, but it's a welcome addition to the local chicken variety since it's pretty cheap (~$1 per wing), and very easy to get (delivery to the DYM Home Office), and it's a lot better than Cluck-U.


Overall the judges were underwhelmed. The chicken was a bit too heavily breaded and there weren't enough pickles for a satisfying crunch. But the sauce ("classic hot") was pretty good. It burned all the way down the gullet and gave us a nice little sweat.


JUDGES SCORES:

DYM - 7

THE WIFE - 6

(+1 bonus point for buy-one-get-one coupon)


WINGSTOP SANDWICH SCORE - 7.5


A 7.5 is about right we think. We wouldn't mind eating this sandwich again but we think they'll be hard pressed to stay in the playoff hunt.

FUN FACT - Rick Ross owns 30 Wingstops, but not the Morristown one. That's good because last year he got sued by the federal government for not paying his Wingstop employees. Also, while we were researching this we found Rick Ross's LinkedIn page!


HA!!!!! LinkedIn sucks, yo!!!


 

AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!

FISTO KIDDS vs 🧨 WEEK 5 FÚTBOLS

It's DO OR DIE in week four!!!!


We used to say that if a team goes 0-3 they are officially FUCKED. But now that the regular season is one week longer, 0-3 teams making the playoffs is more mathematically possible than ever before!!! Check out what we found on the internets today:

20%?!?! That's not bad!!! In theory!!!!!

Of course this hypothetical 20% chance is operating under the assumption that the hypothetical 0-3 team in question is not total trash -- And its very possible (over 20%) that both these teams are in fact trash.


We've been looking around for trade options this week and we gotta say - Doug and Dave's rosters are probably the least trade-withable in this league. We feel like Doug is probably the most likely team to willingly take Najee from us but we don't want to get any of his guys back. At all. Like, maybe Najee<>Tucker? or maybe Johnathan Taylor? Taylor doesn't really have over a 20% chance of being a league winner this year does he?


Dave's team is a hot mess too. It looks like they're gonna bench 2022 Special Ed Champ Trevor Lawrence for a Thursday night Goff.

Zack Moss is literally their best player right now. Thats crazy. Moss could not get shit done on the Bills, and now he's Johnathan Taylor (and somehow Latavius fucking Murray on the Bills is useful now). We did not saw that coming.


Oh maybe we could get Moss<>Najee? That's pretty nuts. Moss might lose his job next week anyway (maybe?). Our only other tip for Dave is it might be time for a team name change. May we suggest - LETS GO GOFFING🏌️‍♂️!!!


PREDICTION:

FISTO KIDDS - 138.82

🧨 WEEK 5 FÚTBOLS - 119.22


FISTO KIDDS WINS!!!!

 

SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS!!!!


TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs DUMB BUT PRETTY

UNDEFEATED TEAMS BATTLE FOR RIGHT TO BE NAMED MIKE!!!! LETS GOOOO!!!!!!! This one is the real game of the week obviously.


TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!


LETS GO GOLFING!!!🏌️‍♂️ vs PUAL'S PHENOMENAL TEAM

We're probably both benching our guys in the 9am Toy Story game. We really don't know what to expect from that shit, but we think it's a good idea to show as little of the London crowd as possible. We're not really mad at the weirdos who wear other teams' jerseys to the Jaguars games but, to be honest, it's pretty distracting for us American viewers. Plus, maybe Slinky Dog and Forky and 'em can be fucking quiet when the offense it on the field.

LETS GO GOLFING!!!🏌️‍♂️WINS!!!!


HANBURGLARS vs ERIN ERTZ

You guys. Adam "i before e" Thielen is the #10 WR in .5PPR fantasy. SMGDH. The boring name era is truly upon us.

The rest of Rob's squad is a little too cute for 2023 tho - Rhamondre, Tyreek, and Isaiah Pacheco don't have a chance against Gabriel and Kenneth. There's a few funny names on Kull's team, but two of them are named DeAndre so that makes the whole squad that much more boring.


HAMBURGLARS WINS!!!!


I ❤️ AUNTIE CYNTHULA vs I ALSO WANT TO GO GOLFING

Big shout out to Matt for fading Wu-Tang/Nas. It would definitely have not been worth the trip. Just catch em at the Vermont State Fair in 2025.


We still haven't watched this video that Kull posted on the text chain yet, but we think Matt and Luca should. Not that they need the advice - they're way ahead of the Cardinals fade, as we documented last week. But it's always nice to see some fantasy advice that confirms your prior assumptions.

In our experience "Fantasy Football Research" is about 75% an attempt to satisfy our confirmation bias. Pretty much everybody has their own private preconceived expectations for players and their own pet theories. Then we just seek out stats and analysis that supports those preconceptions.


It sounds dumb, but it's not wrong. Fantasy football is, ultimately, a 'being right about football' contest. We all make a bunch of complicated, loosely contingent predictions, and at the end of the year whoever's predictions were the most right wins. That's how the game works.

If you're hedging and adjusting your priors -- if you do objective research every week and every season -- then you're a fraud in our book. You're not really playing fantasy. You're doing math. And math can eat a fucking dick.


I ❤️ AUNTIE CYNTHULA WINS!!!!

 

HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!



36 views

Updated: Sep 22, 2023



WHAT'S UP SPECIAL ED?!?!?!


We’re not gonna lie - We completely fell asleep at the wheel on Monday.

We missed out on Jerome Ford cause we FORGOT that Chubb was on our team. It’s so stupid. We saw the injury happen, Pierre Strong got picked up in The Joe Rogans’ League, and we went outside to smoke a bowl. Then we saw Tobin pick up Ford and thought “Huh. OK. Nice pickup, Tobin.” 🤦‍♂️ 🤦‍♂️ 🤦‍♂️ 🤦‍♂️ 🤦‍♂️


So yea, Team DYM sucks, and it’s week 3 and we’re finally getting around to writing the first blog of the season. It’s disgraceful but we got mad excuses tho.

We’re in five leagues this year (which is too many), and we did barely did any pre-draft research cause we spent the whole summer doing a bunch of shit that seemed important at the time but we definitely regret in retrospect:

  • Right around draft time we built an app at our job that’ll never see the light of day (it works tho!!!).

  • Before that we wrote 50 pages of the CJ novel that’ll also never see the light of day.

  • Plus we spent a couple hundred hours playing golf - and we still really suck at golf.

AND lest we forget that Team DYM is now beset by The Commissioners Curse: No Special Ed commish has ever won this league and perhaps they never will!!!!!


FUCK IT LETS GO GOLFING!!!!!


 

NEW STAR WAR!!!

One other reason we hadn’t written a DYM yet this season is cause we were apoplectic about the new Star War. Ahsoka was by far the most highly anticipated Star Wars television product ever. We wrote a blog about the potential for an Ahsoka spin-off about five and a half years ago. Rebels had the sexiest and weirdest aliens and the wackiest space magic of any Star War.

We were EXTREMELY amped for this show.


But the first few episodes were so fucking bad we couldn't even talk about it. Episodes 1-5 of Ahsoka are just non-stop, blatant, out-of-context fan service. It’s like just a bunch of stuff that already happened in Star Wars Rebels, but now you get to see it in real life. Ugh. We don’t get why anyone is excited by that kinda shit any more now that AI and deepfakes exist. You don’t actually have to wait for Disney to make “live action” versions of these shows, they've already been made and the ones on the internet have POV blowjobs so they’re actually way better. Anyway, the story so far was just not interesting - it’s slow, the characters are not engaging, and above all the whole thing just seemed pointless.


But credit where credit's due - it has been consistently low-key sexy. We appreciate how often they have Hera Syndulla walking away from the camera - you can always count on Disney for some tasteful back-shots.

So last night we ate a handful of mushrooms and put a $100 FAAB bid on Jerome Ford in the Class of '99 League before we watched episode 6.

And we THINK it was actually good. In this episode we see most of the action from the perspective of the show's new bad guys Baylan Skoll and Shin Hati. We're pretty sure Baylan was in Game of Thrones, and Shin Hati is a Ukrainian dime piece with a sexy accent - they rule. They go to this weird new planet which is actually in another galaxy. Leaving THE GALAXY should be a super big deal and could have some huge impacts on the SW Canon. People are saying maybe The Force doesn't work the same in this galaxy, or maybe there's some power even greater than The Force... but we're pretty sure they're not actually gonna have anything original happen in this show because it's Star Wars.

This episode also (finally) re-introduced Grand Admiral Thrawn, who's very cool looking and very scary, and we like that he's kinda fat now.


So now we're once again cautiously optimistic about the rest of the Ahsoka show. But we're definitely gonna eat mushrooms again the next two Tuesdays.


 

FOOD BEEF 2023!!!

FRIED CHICKEN SANDWICHES!!!!!

We love a fried chicken sandwich!!!

We love a classic crispy fried chicken sandwich with pickles AND we love a spicy hot chicken sandwich with pickles. But which one do we love more???


We've selected EIGHT local chicken joints that will compete in one of two divisions - Fried Chicken Sandwiches and Hot Chicken Sandwiches. The top two sandwiches from each division will advance to the Chicken Sandwich Playoffs, and then the best hot chicken sandwich will face off against the best classic fried chicken sandwich for the chance to be named the 2023 Food Beef Chicken Sandwich Champion!!! LETS GOOOOO!!!!!

  • Wingstop - Morristown - 3.5

  • The Stirling Tavern - Morristown - 4

  • Hangry Joe’s Hot Chicken - Florham Park - 4.5

  • Marie's Chicken Joint - Chatham - 3.5

  • Super Chix - East Hanover - 4

  • Tony Boy's Sandwich House - Madison - 4

  • Namkeen - Chatham - 4.5 stars

  • La Rosa Chicken & Grill - Madison - 4


 

AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!

DUMB BUT PRETTY vs. PAULS PHENOMENAL TEAM!!!

TWO UNDEFEATED TEAMS FACE OFF IN A WEEK 3 MIRROR MATCH!!!

This is a super weird match up.

They have two sets of WR teammates facing off - Ridley vs. Kirk and Godwin vs. Evans - plus Bijan Robinson will face Brian Robinson to decide, once and for all, who is the NFL's #1 B-Rob.

Right now Mike has Mongomery in the FLEX but he's not gonna play. So we're also pretty sure they're gonna end up starting Terry McLaurin, making three intra-team matchups. Fascinating!!!


Jerome Ford not withstanding, Paul has been the biggest benefactor of DYM's lackadaisical approach to the early season. Puka Nacua and Kyloren Williams could both be league winners.

We're beside ourselves right now. Can't believe we missed out on Puka Nacua. It's the fucking best name ever!!! It's fucking totally made up - like just a bunch of sounds - but it fucking rhymes and its soooo fun to say - PUKA NACUA!!!!! PUKA NACUA!!!!! Oh my god. Fuck us. We shoulda fucking drafted him!! Idiot.

Anyway. Even without Saquon we think DBP will make this an interesting game. They have the #1 QB and the better side of the B-Rob Showdown. Pittsburgh D will probably have another field day this week against the Raiders.

We like Kirk>Ridley this week as Houston is tougher against outside WRs than they are against the slot. Paul definitely has the better Tampa receiver as well. We don't think Ekeler plays this week but we think Christian Watson will. And, of course, we're never gonna pick anyone over Puka ever again.


PREDICTION: PAULS PHENOMENAL TEAM: 143.59

DUMB BUT PRETTY: 130.22


PAULS PHENOMENAL TEAM WINS!!!


 

SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS!!!

TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs. I ❤️ AUNTIE CYNTHULA

Tobin is 2-0 and scoring over 140 per game. That's good. But still, we're always underwhelmed when we look at his roster. Like, Mostert? and a Tight End? really?But it's working because there's no holes in the starting lineup. Tobin has pulled the right strings and put together extremely consistent squads over the first two weeks. They've only had 1 dud in the starting lineup so far (Lamar's 3-pt stinker in week one). No other Special Ed team had fewer than 4 players score less than 5 points.

If Waddle doesn't play then Flowers is a lock for 10+ points.


Luka Nacua made a very smart move this week dropping Daniel Jones for Dak. They're streaming QBs against Arizona. Which is actually ingenious and we wish we had thought of it first. Arizona D stinks obviously, but the beauty of this plan is that The Cardinals are playing Stafford, Purdy, and Geno twice each, and they all happen to be not bad QBs who are all Special Ed free-agents. Plus they get Ridder, Pickett, and Burrow (who's almost definitely getting dropped) - They could stream against ARI for 10 of the next 11 weeks. Thats crazy. And it just might work too. Nice move, Luca.


I ❤️ AUNTIE CYNTHULA WINS


LETS GO GOLFING!!!🏌️‍♂️ vs. ERIN ERTZ

Rob has some banged up RBs, but who doesn't? Miles and Pacheco weren't all that good the last two weeks anyway. He could end up with a 2-TE lineup this week, and he'll still probably win cause our team SUUUUUUUCKS.

This team is such a shit show right now. Tutu Atwell is the poor man's Puka in every fucking way. James Cook is never gonna score a TD. We got no QB. And Najee. Fucking goddamn Najee. It's just the worst.


ERIN ERTZ WINS!!!



FISTO KIDDS!! vs. I ALSO WANT TO GO GOLFING

We know they've been in the league for a few years now but we still get Trevor Lawrence and Justin Herbert mixed up in our head. They're basically the same guy. White guys with blonde hair and two first names, and they play somewhere hot and their teams are both light blue sometimes. Someone drafted Justin Herbert in the Rogans' League and we were like "ooooh nice pick" cause we thought it was Lawrence.

Pretty sure Lawrence is the one we like. Jaguars right? Yea, Jaguars.


FISTO KIDDS WINS!!!



THE HAMBURGLARS vs. 🧨WEEK 5 FÚTBOLS

There's a hacky bit at the beginning of Ahsoka Episode 6 where the droid tells a story that starts with "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..." ugh. That scene was as awkward and cringy as anything in the first 5 eps, but there was a shoutout to the DYM Scholars - which is the only kind of fan-service we want.

#1 IS #1 MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! LETS GOOOOO!!!!!

HAMBURGLARS WINS!!!

 

HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!









45 views

Updated: Jun 20, 2023



WHATS UP SPECIAL ED?!?!?!


We know. It's been TWO MONTHS since the last DYM OFF-SEASON blog post. But don't worry, we've been hard at work in the lab writing a big new CJ story. For real this time! It's HUGE!!! We got over 9,000 words down so far (about 30 illustrated pages), but unfortunately it's not done yet. Couple more weeks ... we hope. (We pasted the first part at the bottom of this post to whet your appetites!!!)


In the meantime, we got some grave news for you guys:


This week, in an interview with People Magazine, Padma Lakshmi said that this will be her last season as the host of Bravo's TOP CHEF.

The entire DYM staff is devastated right now. We love Top Chef. We've been dedicated Top Chef watchers ever since Padma joined as host in season 2. But now we're not sure what the point of the show even is. Padma was more than a host, she was truly the star of the show. No other game show host is more passionate about their show, or more compassionate for the contestants. Plus, she's more opinionated and more worldly that most of judges on Top Chef. Padma is the GOAT. She's irreplaceable as Top Chef host. But alas, there will be a Season 21, and there will be a new Top Chef host.


As the nation's foremost Top Chef Scholars, the Defend Your Moves Research Department has taken up the search for the NEXT host of Top Chef. We defined several criteria that each of our candidates must meet, and went through a thorough search of the very hottest female models, actresses, celebrities, and entertainers. And now, we have narrowed the field down to 10 finalists:

 

MODELS

Obviously the next host of Top Chef will have to be a thoroughbred DIME PIECE. So like Padma herself, some of the very best candidates are (former) fashion models. Models travel around the world so they get to try lots of exotic foods, which is also why we'd prefer a non-American woman - she has to have a diverse palate.

Also - in order to appeal to Top Chef's middle-aged target demo, we're primarily looking at women age 35-45.

10 - ADRIANA LIMA

  • Age 42

  • Model (Victoria's Secret)

  • Brazil

Adriana Lima was maybe the hottest chick ever in 2007. Since then she married former Clipper/Timberwolf Marco Jaric (now divorced), and had three children.

At age 42 Adriana is still outrageously hot and her ass, legs, and titties got way bigger since she had kids. She has a very unique look, and may even be "too hot" for this job. Plus we have no idea if she can act or even read shit out loud. She was in an episode of How I Met Your Mother in 2012 where she only said one word (and was pretty unconvincing at that).


9 - Bar Refaeli

  • Age 38

  • Model (Victoria's Secret, SI)

  • Israel

Bar Refaeli is maybe best known for having dated Leonardo Dicaprio from 2005-10.

Like Adriana Lima she is now a mother of three.


The good news is Bar is very charming. She has acquitted herself nicely in interviews over the years, so we know she can talk good on TV.


But, she looks like she's still in modelling shape even now at age 38 so we're not sure if she's a big eater.


ACTRESSES

Actresses have a slight advantage over models, since they're professionals at talking in front of a camera. The problem with big-name actresses is that they can still get plenty of work in their late 30s and early 40s. We'd love to get like Scarlett Johansson or Charlize Theron in here, but we doubt they'd commit to working on this show for several months a year.

So now we're looking for middle aged dime pieces, who can act a little, AND they're not involved in any ongoing franchise-type projects.


8 - Christina Hendricks

  • Age 48

  • Actress (Mad Men)

  • USA

At 48, Christina Hendricks is the oldest Top Chef Host Finalist.

She's a very good actress, has a smart and sophisticated vibe, and she's SMOKIN hot.


The only problem with Christina, for this role, is her tits are gonna be very intimidating for Gail Simmons. Ever since Gail had her second kid in 2018 she started putting the girls on display almost every week, and they look AWESOME.

We feel like adding another white chick with huge knockers to the show would put a lot of undue pressure on Gail.


Fun fact - Christina Hendricks has no kids, and said in an interview ten years ago that she doesn't want any cause "they're a lotta work." That's a shame in our opinion, cause she looks fuckin MILKY.


7 - Jordana Brewster

  • Age 43

  • Actress (Fast & Furious)

  • Panama

We love Mia Toretto. She's a tough chick who commands respect and isn't afraid to speak her mind.


In real life, Jordana Brewster has all the bonafides we're looking for in our next Top Chef Host: She was born in Panama, and lived as a child in Brazil, London, and New York City before attending Yale University. She has two kids (surrogacy), and is currently divorced. She's never really in anything these days except FAST movies and they only make those every couple years.


Although, much like Bar Refaeli, she doesn't look like she eats a ton of food.


6 - Jessica Alba

  • Age 42

  • Actress (Spy Kids, Fantastic Four)

  • USA

90210-veteran Jessica Alba is one of the very hottest chicks of the early 2000s, but she hasn't really been in any major movies or TV since 2014 - and we can only pray they don't decide to make another Fantastic Four or another Spy Kids - which theoretically leaves her available to host Top Chef next year.


Alba is from California and her family is Mexican, so we definitely trust her taste in food over Christina Hendricks' (from Knoxville, TN). She's also the founder of the Honest Company, which makes organic household products that are used throughout the DYM Home Office.


5 - Morena Baccarin

  • Age 44

  • Actress (Homeland, Gotham, Deadpool)

  • Brazil

Morena Baccarin is impossibly hot. In fact she's one of just a few women on this list who are objectively as hot as Padma.

We lost our fuckin mind the first time we saw her in Homeland, and she was great in Deadpool too, but now she actually hasn't been in anything good since Gotham ended in 2019. So she might be available.


Fun Fact - She's married to Commissioner Gordon from Gotham (Ben McKenzie) and they had their second kid in 2021.


PUBLIC FIGURES

Now, honestly these next two are long-shots. It's pretty unlikely that either of them would want this job, but we really feel like they'd each be uniquely fascinating hosts.


4 - Kate Middleton

  • Age 41

  • Princess of Wales

  • England

Princess Kate is very easy on the eyes, and she's an actual Princess - so she's used to eating some high quality grub.


We feel like cooking for, and getting criticized by, an actual Princess would be pretty nerve-wracking for the chefs - and pretty dramatic for the audience. Plus she's got a British accent which always makes chicks sound much more severe and intense. It'd be like The Weakest Link but with food.


3 - Ivanka Trump

  • Age 41

  • Presidential Advisor (?)

  • USA

Ivanka would be a way more amiable host than Kate. She honestly seems like a nice person in interviews, although she is aggressively hot.


She lived her entire life in New York City which is not great, but it's better than having lived your whole life in suburban England; and unlike Kate she has always had access to fine cuisine even as a child.

We would think Ivanka has very high standards for food, but then she'd be really sweet about telling folks to pack their knives and go.


Maybe the most fascinating thing about Ivanka, visually, is that she has a really really long neck. Like crazy long. She wears high-collars and turtlenecks pretty often too and like half her neck sticks out the top.


SINGERS

Our top 2 finalists are musicians.

The good thing about musicians is they have a lot more control over their schedule than models, actresses, or politicians. Both of these chicks might could go on tour next year, but they certainly don't have to. Like models, musicians get to travel a lot and they can try a lot of weird foods on the road. Plus, as artists, we feel like their aesthetic opinions will carry more weight than those of the actresses and politicians.


2 - Alicia Keys

  • Age 42

  • 15x Grammy winner

  • USA

We had no idea Alicia Keys had 15 Grammys. That's a lot. Holy shit. She's definitely the most accomplished person on our list, but she also performed at our work Christmas party a couple years ago and she did a song with Kanye just last year - so we know Alicia Keys is all about a dollar.


Alicia co-wrote an autobiographical Broadway show that's premiering in a few months. If that joint's a hit and she crushes it as Top Chef host, she could be one step away from an EGOT by this time next year.


1 - Rihanna

  • Age 35

  • 9x Grammy winner

  • Barbados

Obviously, our #1 choice for Top Chef host is Rihanna.


Rihanna is only 35, which is the same age Padma was when she started on Top Chef so we could potentially get another 15+ seasons with her as host.


Rihanna checks all the boxes - Not only was she born in another country but she's a Princess there too. She's also a billionaire so she probably eats VERY good food. And she's pregnant - about to have her second kid in two years - so she's gonna be fuckin HUNGRY. Obviously she doesn't need the money, but she might take this job just to get out of the house and get that free food.



HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYBODY!!!!!!




 

PREVIEW!!!!!!!


 

CJ WAKES UP

Jesus opened his eyes and sat up suddenly. He looked around the room checking for tigers. He's safe at home, in his bedroom. He's not dreaming anymore, which is a relief, but his heart was still pounding as he wiped away the cold sweat that had pooled between his tits.


"Craziest fuckin dream ever." He muttered to himself, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.


Jesus had been having prescient dreams of the future for some time now. At first many of the dreams had been confounding - especially the dreams of the distant future. But no dream had ever affected him as profoundly as this one.

Jesus reached for the Dream Journal on his bedside table and wrote as much as he could remember:

The tiger ... the cow pasture ... the boat ... Seahorse ... the box ... Lil Genie ... something called "fantasy football."

It was all so confusing and foreboding. Especially the seahorse. Many gods and spirits had visited Jesus in his dreams -- But Seahorse seemed strange. So desperate. So thirsty. He’d never seen a god act like that before and he couldn't help but think that Seahorse’s death could be a sign. He said to himself - "I gotta talk to Solomon."

 

Ever since Jesus was little, whenever he had a problem he always went to talk to his great-great...(26x)...granddad King Solomon. Solomon was cool as shit. He was the original King of Kings. He was welcomed and revered in every nation in the known world - Jews, African Jews, Arabs, Persians, Romans, Mongols, even the Russians - everybody sang the Songs of Solomon. Solomon had been everywhere and he'd seen it all. As far as anyone knew Solomon was the only person around who was older than Jesus - in fact, he was almost 1,000 years older, and that millennia of experience was invaluable. Which is why he stayed the king all this time - even now that Jesus' Word was spreading far and wide.


In the year 360 Solomon had been King of Israel for 1330 years. Solomon became immortal back in the day when he won a bet with the demon king Asmodeus. For a while Asmodeus tried sending various ghosts and cryptids to fuck with Solomon and steal his powers back. But Solomon was such a fuckin smooth ass pimp that most of the demons ended up staying on earth and just hanging with him instead. My man had succubus falling in love, genies giving away freebie wishes, ghosts haunting his enemies - anything he wanted. Every ghost, demon, and monster was on Team Solomon. At one point he was married to 2,000 chicks and only about half of them were human.


Since long before Jesus was born all the demons on Earth had been living in Solomon's castle. They did whatever he said, and were forbidden to leave. Occasionally, Solomon sent demons to do shady errands or fight other king's armies, but that was about it. It was very important to Solomon that the monsters not interfere with the lives of regular people. That's because the people of Israel, he had found, were much easier to control if they thought ghosts and monsters don't exist.


Really this was for the best for everybody tho - 'cause they're fucking demons. Which is exactly what Solomon had always told Jesus when he asked about ghosts or djinns when he was younger:

"They're no good, CJ. Stay away from those fuckers, even the cute ones, even Robin fucking Williams, they were all born in Hell and they hate us."

Jesus sought love and kindness at all times, so in his heart of hearts it was difficult to accept that humans and demons could never live in peace; But Solomon's argument resonated because the demons - all of them - really did hate Jesus. When Jesus was a baby demons used to sneak out of the castle all the time and try to kill him in his sleep. But he always woke up the next day, no problemo. The devils never gave up tho, they kept trying Jesus every now and then throughout his adult life too. Even now - when the demons knew Jesus couldn't die - they still tried to make his life difficult when they could.

Fortunately Solomon came up with a trick to keep Jesus safe: Solomon was a prolific writer of hymns and holy music, which he found had a peculiar effect on most demons. The psalms were like a snake charmer's flute to them, they became entranced and docile. Sometimes they just fell asleep when he sang.


This is about all Jesus knew of demons, devils, djinns, and ghosts in the year 360, and none of it was particularly helpful in deciphering the symbols in his dream. If anybody was gonna know what this genie dream is supposed to mean it's gonna be Solomon.



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