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DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2023 #6!!!!!!



WHATS UP SPECIAL ED?!?!?!


We know. It's been TWO MONTHS since the last DYM OFF-SEASON blog post. But don't worry, we've been hard at work in the lab writing a big new CJ story. For real this time! It's HUGE!!! We got over 9,000 words down so far (about 30 illustrated pages), but unfortunately it's not done yet. Couple more weeks ... we hope. (We pasted the first part at the bottom of this post to whet your appetites!!!)


In the meantime, we got some grave news for you guys:


This week, in an interview with People Magazine, Padma Lakshmi said that this will be her last season as the host of Bravo's TOP CHEF.

The entire DYM staff is devastated right now. We love Top Chef. We've been dedicated Top Chef watchers ever since Padma joined as host in season 2. But now we're not sure what the point of the show even is. Padma was more than a host, she was truly the star of the show. No other game show host is more passionate about their show, or more compassionate for the contestants. Plus, she's more opinionated and more worldly that most of judges on Top Chef. Padma is the GOAT. She's irreplaceable as Top Chef host. But alas, there will be a Season 21, and there will be a new Top Chef host.


As the nation's foremost Top Chef Scholars, the Defend Your Moves Research Department has taken up the search for the NEXT host of Top Chef. We defined several criteria that each of our candidates must meet, and went through a thorough search of the very hottest female models, actresses, celebrities, and entertainers. And now, we have narrowed the field down to 10 finalists:

 

MODELS

Obviously the next host of Top Chef will have to be a thoroughbred DIME PIECE. So like Padma herself, some of the very best candidates are (former) fashion models. Models travel around the world so they get to try lots of exotic foods, which is also why we'd prefer a non-American woman - she has to have a diverse palate.

Also - in order to appeal to Top Chef's middle-aged target demo, we're primarily looking at women age 35-45.

10 - ADRIANA LIMA

  • Age 42

  • Model (Victoria's Secret)

  • Brazil

Adriana Lima was maybe the hottest chick ever in 2007. Since then she married former Clipper/Timberwolf Marco Jaric (now divorced), and had three children.

At age 42 Adriana is still outrageously hot and her ass, legs, and titties got way bigger since she had kids. She has a very unique look, and may even be "too hot" for this job. Plus we have no idea if she can act or even read shit out loud. She was in an episode of How I Met Your Mother in 2012 where she only said one word (and was pretty unconvincing at that).


9 - Bar Refaeli

  • Age 38

  • Model (Victoria's Secret, SI)

  • Israel

Bar Refaeli is maybe best known for having dated Leonardo Dicaprio from 2005-10.

Like Adriana Lima she is now a mother of three.


The good news is Bar is very charming. She has acquitted herself nicely in interviews over the years, so we know she can talk good on TV.


But, she looks like she's still in modelling shape even now at age 38 so we're not sure if she's a big eater.


ACTRESSES

Actresses have a slight advantage over models, since they're professionals at talking in front of a camera. The problem with big-name actresses is that they can still get plenty of work in their late 30s and early 40s. We'd love to get like Scarlett Johansson or Charlize Theron in here, but we doubt they'd commit to working on this show for several months a year.

So now we're looking for middle aged dime pieces, who can act a little, AND they're not involved in any ongoing franchise-type projects.


8 - Christina Hendricks

  • Age 48

  • Actress (Mad Men)

  • USA

At 48, Christina Hendricks is the oldest Top Chef Host Finalist.

She's a very good actress, has a smart and sophisticated vibe, and she's SMOKIN hot.


The only problem with Christina, for this role, is her tits are gonna be very intimidating for Gail Simmons. Ever since Gail had her second kid in 2018 she started putting the girls on display almost every week, and they look AWESOME.

We feel like adding another white chick with huge knockers to the show would put a lot of undue pressure on Gail.


Fun fact - Christina Hendricks has no kids, and said in an interview ten years ago that she doesn't want any cause "they're a lotta work." That's a shame in our opinion, cause she looks fuckin MILKY.


7 - Jordana Brewster

  • Age 43

  • Actress (Fast & Furious)

  • Panama

We love Mia Toretto. She's a tough chick who commands respect and isn't afraid to speak her mind.


In real life, Jordana Brewster has all the bonafides we're looking for in our next Top Chef Host: She was born in Panama, and lived as a child in Brazil, London, and New York City before attending Yale University. She has two kids (surrogacy), and is currently divorced. She's never really in anything these days except FAST movies and they only make those every couple years.


Although, much like Bar Refaeli, she doesn't look like she eats a ton of food.


6 - Jessica Alba

  • Age 42

  • Actress (Spy Kids, Fantastic Four)

  • USA

90210-veteran Jessica Alba is one of the very hottest chicks of the early 2000s, but she hasn't really been in any major movies or TV since 2014 - and we can only pray they don't decide to make another Fantastic Four or another Spy Kids - which theoretically leaves her available to host Top Chef next year.


Alba is from California and her family is Mexican, so we definitely trust her taste in food over Christina Hendricks' (from Knoxville, TN). She's also the founder of the Honest Company, which makes organic household products that are used throughout the DYM Home Office.


5 - Morena Baccarin

  • Age 44

  • Actress (Homeland, Gotham, Deadpool)

  • Brazil

Morena Baccarin is impossibly hot. In fact she's one of just a few women on this list who are objectively as hot as Padma.

We lost our fuckin mind the first time we saw her in Homeland, and she was great in Deadpool too, but now she actually hasn't been in anything good since Gotham ended in 2019. So she might be available.


Fun Fact - She's married to Commissioner Gordon from Gotham (Ben McKenzie) and they had their second kid in 2021.


PUBLIC FIGURES

Now, honestly these next two are long-shots. It's pretty unlikely that either of them would want this job, but we really feel like they'd each be uniquely fascinating hosts.


4 - Kate Middleton

  • Age 41

  • Princess of Wales

  • England

Princess Kate is very easy on the eyes, and she's an actual Princess - so she's used to eating some high quality grub.


We feel like cooking for, and getting criticized by, an actual Princess would be pretty nerve-wracking for the chefs - and pretty dramatic for the audience. Plus she's got a British accent which always makes chicks sound much more severe and intense. It'd be like The Weakest Link but with food.


3 - Ivanka Trump

  • Age 41

  • Presidential Advisor (?)

  • USA

Ivanka would be a way more amiable host than Kate. She honestly seems like a nice person in interviews, although she is aggressively hot.


She lived her entire life in New York City which is not great, but it's better than having lived your whole life in suburban England; and unlike Kate she has always had access to fine cuisine even as a child.

We would think Ivanka has very high standards for food, but then she'd be really sweet about telling folks to pack their knives and go.


Maybe the most fascinating thing about Ivanka, visually, is that she has a really really long neck. Like crazy long. She wears high-collars and turtlenecks pretty often too and like half her neck sticks out the top.


SINGERS

Our top 2 finalists are musicians.

The good thing about musicians is they have a lot more control over their schedule than models, actresses, or politicians. Both of these chicks might could go on tour next year, but they certainly don't have to. Like models, musicians get to travel a lot and they can try a lot of weird foods on the road. Plus, as artists, we feel like their aesthetic opinions will carry more weight than those of the actresses and politicians.


2 - Alicia Keys

  • Age 42

  • 15x Grammy winner

  • USA

We had no idea Alicia Keys had 15 Grammys. That's a lot. Holy shit. She's definitely the most accomplished person on our list, but she also performed at our work Christmas party a couple years ago and she did a song with Kanye just last year - so we know Alicia Keys is all about a dollar.


Alicia co-wrote an autobiographical Broadway show that's premiering in a few months. If that joint's a hit and she crushes it as Top Chef host, she could be one step away from an EGOT by this time next year.


1 - Rihanna

  • Age 35

  • 9x Grammy winner

  • Barbados

Obviously, our #1 choice for Top Chef host is Rihanna.


Rihanna is only 35, which is the same age Padma was when she started on Top Chef so we could potentially get another 15+ seasons with her as host.


Rihanna checks all the boxes - Not only was she born in another country but she's a Princess there too. She's also a billionaire so she probably eats VERY good food. And she's pregnant - about to have her second kid in two years - so she's gonna be fuckin HUNGRY. Obviously she doesn't need the money, but she might take this job just to get out of the house and get that free food.



HAVE A GREAT SUMMER EVERYBODY!!!!!!




 

PREVIEW!!!!!!!


 

CJ WAKES UP

Jesus opened his eyes and sat up suddenly. He looked around the room checking for tigers. He's safe at home, in his bedroom. He's not dreaming anymore, which is a relief, but his heart was still pounding as he wiped away the cold sweat that had pooled between his tits.


"Craziest fuckin dream ever." He muttered to himself, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.


Jesus had been having prescient dreams of the future for some time now. At first many of the dreams had been confounding - especially the dreams of the distant future. But no dream had ever affected him as profoundly as this one.

Jesus reached for the Dream Journal on his bedside table and wrote as much as he could remember:

The tiger ... the cow pasture ... the boat ... Seahorse ... the box ... Lil Genie ... something called "fantasy football."

It was all so confusing and foreboding. Especially the seahorse. Many gods and spirits had visited Jesus in his dreams -- But Seahorse seemed strange. So desperate. So thirsty. He’d never seen a god act like that before and he couldn't help but think that Seahorse’s death could be a sign. He said to himself - "I gotta talk to Solomon."

 

Ever since Jesus was little, whenever he had a problem he always went to talk to his great-great...(26x)...granddad King Solomon. Solomon was cool as shit. He was the original King of Kings. He was welcomed and revered in every nation in the known world - Jews, African Jews, Arabs, Persians, Romans, Mongols, even the Russians - everybody sang the Songs of Solomon. Solomon had been everywhere and he'd seen it all. As far as anyone knew Solomon was the only person around who was older than Jesus - in fact, he was almost 1,000 years older, and that millennia of experience was invaluable. Which is why he stayed the king all this time - even now that Jesus' Word was spreading far and wide.


In the year 360 Solomon had been King of Israel for 1330 years. Solomon became immortal back in the day when he won a bet with the demon king Asmodeus. For a while Asmodeus tried sending various ghosts and cryptids to fuck with Solomon and steal his powers back. But Solomon was such a fuckin smooth ass pimp that most of the demons ended up staying on earth and just hanging with him instead. My man had succubus falling in love, genies giving away freebie wishes, ghosts haunting his enemies - anything he wanted. Every ghost, demon, and monster was on Team Solomon. At one point he was married to 2,000 chicks and only about half of them were human.


Since long before Jesus was born all the demons on Earth had been living in Solomon's castle. They did whatever he said, and were forbidden to leave. Occasionally, Solomon sent demons to do shady errands or fight other king's armies, but that was about it. It was very important to Solomon that the monsters not interfere with the lives of regular people. That's because the people of Israel, he had found, were much easier to control if they thought ghosts and monsters don't exist.


Really this was for the best for everybody tho - 'cause they're fucking demons. Which is exactly what Solomon had always told Jesus when he asked about ghosts or djinns when he was younger:

"They're no good, CJ. Stay away from those fuckers, even the cute ones, even Robin fucking Williams, they were all born in Hell and they hate us."

Jesus sought love and kindness at all times, so in his heart of hearts it was difficult to accept that humans and demons could never live in peace; But Solomon's argument resonated because the demons - all of them - really did hate Jesus. When Jesus was a baby demons used to sneak out of the castle all the time and try to kill him in his sleep. But he always woke up the next day, no problemo. The devils never gave up tho, they kept trying Jesus every now and then throughout his adult life too. Even now - when the demons knew Jesus couldn't die - they still tried to make his life difficult when they could.

Fortunately Solomon came up with a trick to keep Jesus safe: Solomon was a prolific writer of hymns and holy music, which he found had a peculiar effect on most demons. The psalms were like a snake charmer's flute to them, they became entranced and docile. Sometimes they just fell asleep when he sang.


This is about all Jesus knew of demons, devils, djinns, and ghosts in the year 360, and none of it was particularly helpful in deciphering the symbols in his dream. If anybody was gonna know what this genie dream is supposed to mean it's gonna be Solomon.



BEST OF DYM

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