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Updated: Jun 11, 2023



SHOUT OUT TO PLAXICO BURRESS!!!!!

We just read the funniest fuckin shit ever, you guys.

The cops claim that their guns are just shooting people all by themselves now.

A months-long investigative report by The Washington Post found more than 100 people willing to claim, on record, “that they had experienced an accidental firing - all involving the same weapon, the Sig Sauer P320.”


It was super-helpful of The WaPo to go the trouble of finding all those totally credible witnesses, cause it just so happens that a bunch of police departments had already filed a class action lawsuit against the gun manufacturer.


You might think the cops are making up these stories so they can say they're not shooting civilians on purpose. But if you think that, you're giving the cops way too much credit, cause the article is full of stories of cops shooting THEMSELVES in the ass and thighs. And holy shit it's soooo funny:

"In September 2022, an officer’s P320 sent a bullet into the thigh of his partner while he searched an abandoned vehicle."

HAHA!!!

"Michael Parker, a welder, said his holstered P320 fired a bullet into his thigh..."

HAHA!!! 

"Police officer Brittany Hilton said her holstered P320 fired while inside her purse ...  The bullet entered her groin and exited her back just inches from the base of her spine."

Entered her groin?!? Oh damn, that's kinda hot.

"Navy veteran Dionicio Delgado said his P320 fired a bullet through his thigh and into his calf after he holstered it..."

HAHA!!!

"In April 2022, a surveillance camera captured Officer Ashley Catatao, 35, carrying equipment bags to her car in the Somerville Police Department’s parking lot in suburban Boston. With her hands full, her holstered P320 fires, striking her thigh."

HAHAHA!!!!! OH SHIT!!! THERES VIDEO?!?!

Oh yea there's video:

Here's a slow-mo video of a school security guard shooting himself in the leg in front of a bunch of kids in the lunch line. It's so good. This is the kinda shit that makes people believe in Karma right here. Musta been the best day ever for those kids.


This story is a treat, but we especially enjoyed the extra-dramatic photos these cops posed for. They're all trying to look so resolute, Like they're survivors. These cops are out for justice now and they're never gonna let a gun shoot them again.

HA!!! Fuck cops, yo!!!!!

 

Obviously the official DYM take on this story is that it's actually ghosts shooting these cops in the ass. (Case closed. You're welcome.) But there's another angle here that's very worth mentioning:

Sig Sauer - the maker of the gun that shoots itself - just announced last month that they have acquired General Robotics - maker of the US Army's drones and tactical robots.

That's cool! Definitely nothing can go wrong there!!!


Then, just yesterday Mayor Adams announced that the NYPD is looking to add robots to the force later this year.

The "digidog" robot cop was originally slated to roll out in NYC in 2021, but DeBlasio shut it down when activists pointed out that robot cops weren't equipped for social work and community outreach.


But now that these idiot human cops sued the gun company that also makes police robots, we think there's gonna be a big push to get robocops rolled out nationwide. That way, in the future it'll just be stupid fucking robots shooting themselves in the ass and groin.

 

SEXY SEXY STAR WARS!!!!!

Mandalorian Season 3 wraps up next week and we still feel more or less the same about it as we did last month. They're still cramming a bunch of unrelated story arcs together just so they can preview characters from other new Disney SW shows. We still don't really get why they decided to do this, but they did, and once you accept it it's a lot easier to cope with the defects in storytelling.

None of the important things that happen in this show actually happen to Mando. One could argue that Mando isn't even the protagonist anymore (or that there isn't one at all), because his problems have such low stakes and he doesn't work very hard for his accomplishments. The important things in this show are when they introduce new characters or new themes that are portentous for the future of Disney Star Wars. With that being said, last week's episode "Chapter 22: Hired Guns" portends very well, because Star Wars is SEXY again!!!!!

This was another Starbuck-heavy episode, which is always welcome. Starbuck could get it from way back in the Battlestar Galactica days -- and age-40 Starbuck is still smokin hot. She knows what she's workin with too. Every episode this season has at least a couple shots of her walking away from the camera like this. 🥵


Episode 6 starts off hot and heavy with this freaky squid chick giving her boyfriend a tentacle job, right before he gets absconded by the sexiest of all Mandalorian mercenaries - WWE's Sasha Banks!!!

After that Mando watches Starbuck walk for a bit.



Later they meet Lizzo who's the queen of a planet and has a very physical relationship with Jack Black. As soon as the Mandos arrive, Lizzo and Jack Black invite them to an alien swingers party.

The party is a who's-who of the grossest and slimiest Star Wars aliens, and they're all getting wasted sucking on something JB calls "secretions". It's all gross and highly suggestive.

Next they met the first ever confirmed female Ugnaught.

This was a categorically unnsexy scene.

To be honest we're pretty disappointed to learn that Ugnaughts as a species have almost no sexual dimorphism. SMGDH. Yet another unjustifiable writing decision. This one's gotta be Favreau's idea. That guy is extremely low-T. We feel like Jon Favreau hasn't had a boner since the 90's.


Later, they happened upon a "droid bar" which has got to be the most degenerate shit ever in Star Wars. Droids gettin all sloppy on "lubricants". There was even a droid hooker outside!!! Gotta think there musta been a bunch of stupid droid cops in a spot like that -- and they all shot themselves in the ass later that night.


 

That was hot, but the announcements out of Star Wars Celebration last weekend were fuckin SMOKIN!!!

We finally got a trailer for the long-awaited Ahsoka show. We were super hyped to find out that the show would feature Ahsoka's very sexy crewmates from Star Wars Rebels.


We already knew that Rosario Dawson as a grown-up Ahsoka was undeniably sexy, and the rest female characters in the trailer look fine as fuck too. We've always wanted to see Sabine Wren (a Mandalorian) and Hera Syndulla (Twi'lek 🥵) in live action. This is gonna be incredible.

Sabine is played by this hilariously-named young woman - Natasha Liu Bordizzo.

You might remember her from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, which is one of the low-key sexiest movies of all time. Natasha is half-Chinese and half-Italian and she's from Australia, and we wanna marry her now. She's gonna wear all kindsa different color wigs in Ahsoka and we're gonna lose our mind!!!!!


The Twi'lek space captain Hera Syndulla will be played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who happens to be married to Ewan McGregor.

There may be a bit of Star Wars nepotism at work here, but MEW has serious hot-chick bonafides. She's 38 now, and when she was a teenager she was on Passions - the very sexiest of all American soap operas.


 

By far the biggest Star Wars news of the week is the imminent return of Rey in Episode X - The New Jedi Order. This was a pretty big surprise for us. We like to joke about Episode X, but we never really thought it was gonna happen.

The announcement was pretty light on details - there's only two things we know for sure: REY IS BACK and THERE'S GONNA BE GHOSTS!!!!!


LETS GOOOOO!!!!!


We feel like Daisy Ridley is pretty underrated in the pantheon of sexy Star Wars women. That's partly because she was only 21 when they made The Force Awakens, and she was playing a teenager, so they didnt sex her up much in that first movie. But now that Daisy and Rey are both over 30 we can loudly proclaim that DAISY RIDLEY CAN GET IT!!!!!

We love you, Daisy!


Given that there are like 50 Star Wars movies now, these announcements shouldn't really be this surprising to us anymore. But we really thought Episode X wasn't supposed to happen.

We seem to recall that George Lucas had once said that he originally envisioned a nine-part Star Wars saga. We're pretty sure he said that ... and for some reason we thought the new Disney-Star Wars group was sticking to that basic format.

Guess not!


Since it looks we're in for the long haul with DR, we popped open our old AI-generated Art app and got it to make some pictures made of older, middle-aged versions of Daisy Ridley as Rey.

🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵


During the process of making those pics we got to thinking -- with her wide jaw and tough chin, Daisy Ridley might also make a very sexy Batman someday. Not sure if Warner Bros is interested in hiring actual actresses for their Batman shit, but we might as well take a look-see anyway.

🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

 

HAVE A GREAT OFF-SEASON EVERYBODY!!!!!
















BEING OLD

We're feeling old these days.

Joints are aching, tired all the time. Being over 40 sucks. If any of you guys haven't turned forty yet, you should definitely avoid it, if at all possible. Our younger brother turned forty a month ago and now he has gout - true story.

The Commish had the right idea - don't ever turn 40.


We wanted to write a thing about how old we feel and wanted to use this picture of Clint Eastwood from that one movie. So we went to google image search and typed “clint eastwood el camino” which was actually an autocorrect cause we thought the movie was called “El Dorado.”

Turns out the movie is called “Gran Torino”, and it came out FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!!! Holy shit we're old. Like, not as old as Clint Eastwood obviously but like, old tho.


Anyways, we fuckin lost it last weekend cause our kid didn't wanna go to the dump with us. We could not fucking believe that kids don’t like going to the dump. Throwing shit into the big dumpsters and watching the compactors crush shit was the number one most fun thing for a little kid to do in the 80's. The dump fucking rules. We gave the kid the whole "when we were your age" speech --- then we smoked a doobie and played giant basketball at the dump by ourselves.

 

The other thing that made us feel old recently is this story we saw on twitter about how cops were entrapping leftist organizers in Colorado. Allegedly, the feds infiltrated this ANTIFA group and didn't find any crimes being committed so they set the organizers up on bogus charges.


SMGDH.


Back when we were leftist organizers, we used to just do crimes right there in the office. There was no need to entrap any of us. These kids should be embarrassed. They're getting played by the cops and they didn't even do anything cool.


We went to jail one time back in the day and one of our co-workers was already there!!! Another time, one of our guys got busted selling guns during the work day, except he didn't need cops to trick him into doing it!!!!!


Folks, if the cops are entrapping you, that just means you're not doing enough crimes.

 

THE WORST BATMAN EVER?!?!

In general we haven't gotten into any DC Universe shows on the CW Network. Even though a lotta people said The Flash and the other "Arrowverse" shows were worth watching, we never tuned in cause we know The CW only makes garbage TV.


But when we heard this new Batman-adjacent show Gotham Knights was pulling the lowest rotten tomatoes score of any DC television series - we had to check it out. After four episodes the RT critics score has actually dropped from a pre-premier score of 33% all the way down to 18% as of today (4/5/23).

Technically Batman & Robin (1997) still has a lower RT critics score at 12%, but in our professional opinion, Gotham Knights is definitively THE WORST BATMAN EVER. This is Batman history in the making, and DYM is here for it!!!


Right at the start of the first episode we learn that Bruce Wayne is dead. Only this time, apparently, none of his friends know about the Lazarus Pits so he's all the way dead. Like dead dead.

The main character is this kid named Turner Hayes (they made him up for the show, don't bother googling him). Bruce Wayne had adopted Turner several years earlier and never told him that he’s Batman. Turner just thought Bruce was working late every night and he was somehow unaware of the like half-dozen other kids that Bruce adopted. The best part in the Pilot is where Turner realizes that there's been a Robin in the house with him the whole time and he never noticed. Robin takes off her mask and he goes “Hey! I know you”, it's so dumb.


Anyways, now this kid who knows nothing about Batman is gonna be the new Batman to avenge his adopted father, with whom he had a distant and impersonal relationship.

This is the first 15 minutes of episode 1. It's truly the worst Batman ever.


Later, Turner has to team up with the Robin and a bunch of other teenagers who also have dysfunctional familial relationships. So every episode is like 50% bad Batman story and 50% bad afterschool special. The writing is shit, but the acting is HORRENDOUS. The principal cast is about half Disney Channel or soap opera veterans, and half actual teenagers with shorter IMDB resumes than Dave Maulbeck.

Like this chick who's supposed to be the Joker's daughter, so she tries to speak with a weird cadence and have little tics like Heath Ledger did, but it comes off more like a Jeff Goldblum impression.

She's awful.


The girl that plays Robin is actually 17, but she's the among most seasoned actresses in the cast, having appeared in 5 seasons of That's So Raven.

The funny thing about her is the Robin character is often frustrated by the other kids' incompetence - and you can tell she's channeling some very real emotions in those scenes.


The Robin in this show is the Frank Miller "Dark Knight Returns" version. It's the same backstory where Batman fights the Mutant Gang in her neighborhood, then she puts on green goggles and follows Batman around for a while.

In the first few eps the Mutant Gang and green goggle Robin have been heavily featured. That's cool cause "Dark Knight Returns" is one of the all time best Batman stories. Ronald Reagan and the chick with swastikas tattooed on her ass and titties haven't showed up yet but we'll definitely let yall know if they do.



Elsewhere, there are a few of-age women on this show who CAN GET IT, even though they can't act for shit.


This is Anna Lore, she has 37 IMDB credits, all for things that you have definitely never seen. She plays Stephanie Brown who's supposed to become a very sexy Robin and also a Batgirl someday.


Obviously they already have a Robin, but we can't imagine this show will be around long enough for that to become an issue.


This is Fallon Smythe, she's fine but she might not even be an actress. She plays Harper Row, who later becomes a Batman-allied superhero called Bluebird in the comics.

Hopefully once this show gets cancelled they'll let Fallon get a Bluebird spin-off cause this chick is a DIME. Pretty much the only legitimate reason to watch this show is because Fallon Smythe is in it and she has blue hair 🥵.


 

THE NIKE BURROW!!!!!

Shout out to Cool Joe Burrow for getting his own Nike branded shoe.

Joe is clearly a DYM scholar. He'll be stuntin on his family this off-season in these COVID-era house shoes.

 

NFL DRAFT PREVIEW!!!!

Ever since Chad Johnson became Ochocinco, funny names have been predominant among young NFL players. The names have just gotten funnier and funnier the last few years. And this year - with names like Bijan Robinson, Zay Flowers and Jaxon Smith-Njigba at the top of the board - we could be in for the funniest named draft class in NFL history.


Here's a few of the other ridiculous names that Roger Goodell is gonna have to say out loud on draft night:

 

YaYa Diaby- DL - Louisville

YaYa ran a 4.51 forty and is considered the most athletic defensive lineman in this year's draft. According to wikipedia both the Y's in YaYa are capitalized.

 

Izzy Abanikanda - RB - Pitt

Israel "Izzy" Adewale Abanikanda, what a name.

Izzy went to Lincoln High School in Brooklyn. Other notable Lincoln alumni include Lee Mazzilli, Marv Albert, Neil Sedaka, and Stephon Marbury.

 

Xazavian Valladay - RB - Arizona St.

We love almost any name with an X or a Z in it, and Xazavian has BOTH!! It's the unlikeliest of names.

 

O'Cyrus Torrence - OL - Florida

For real? O'Cyrus?? With the apostrophe?!?! Incredible.

 

Rejzohn Wright - CB - Oregon St.

We just stared at the name Rejzohn for like 10 minutes, it's mesmerizing.

We have some theories about how it might be pronounced.

 

Kyu Blu Kelly - CB - Stanford

This guy's dad played in the NFL for 11 seasons (won a SB with Tampa in '02), and his name is "Brian" so he knew exactly what the fuck he was doing when he named his kid Kyu Blu. That's how you set your kid up for success.

 

Dontayvion Wicks - WR - Virginia

Wikipedia says that Dontayvion "played wide receiver and quarterback in high school." We like to imagine he just threw the ball real high then ran under it and caught his own passes like Bugs Bunny. Dontayvion fuckin rules.

 

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

  • Mohamoud Diabate (DE) - This guy could play in the NFL for a decade and we're still gonna think it says "diabetes" every time we see his name.

  • Carrington Valentine (CB) & Demario Douglas (WR) - These woulda been first-tier funny names in the Danny Woodhead days. They're kinda pedestrian by today's standards tho.

  • Henry Bainivalu (OL) & Henry To'oTo'o (LB) - Henry is a trash first name, but both of these guys are making the most of it with outright hilarious last names.

  • Tank Bigsby (RB) - Gonna be fun to cheer for this guy. LETS GO TANK!!!


 


HAVE A GREAT PASSOVER EVERYBODY!!!!




















Whats up, Special Ed?!?!?!

The news is fuckin wild these days. To be honest we really shoulda had more than one DYM this past month cause there is some fuckin shit goin on. All the DYM Off-Season staples have made headlines recently: NBA trades, Politricks, conspiracy facts, third-world countries in chaos, internet weirdos, Jews, idiots, mummies, ghosts, mermaids, UFOs (not aliens), ALL THAT SHIT!!!


We're gonna break it all down real fast here so we can focus on Hoops Tourneys and finally go see Cocaine Bear this month.

 

POLITRICKS!!!

The Democrats are on their bullshit again.


Mayor Pete and Merrick Garland went on the news shows this morning talking about how they're gonna stop JetBlue from acquiring Spirit Airlines. Their claim is that Spirit's "unique" and "disruptive" business model fills a necessary niche in the competitive airline market.

But during the announcement it became abundantly clear that neither of these clowns had ever flown Spirit before. Everybody who flies Spirit will, at some point, wish that they hadn't flown Spirit; and they would NEVER defend it's unique/disruptive business model. SPIRIT IS GARBAGE!!!!! Motherfucker really said "allowing the merger would significantly harm consumers", which is fucking ridiculous because nobody does more harm to Spirit Airlines' customers than Spirit Airlines.


Spirit fucking BLOWS. They charge extra for fucking everything, they get delayed all the fucking time, and even if you get all the upgrades you're still gonna get seats that are mad small, mad old, and have bare-minimum amenities. They just put wifi on some of their planes last year!!!

The last time we flew Spirit they sold us wifi, then the plane lost satellite service when we flew over the ocean🤦.


On the other hand, JetBlue fucking RULES. Every JetBlue flight we've been on recently has been silky smooth. The seats are roomy, clean, and have cool interactive screens, and chargers and all kindsa good shit. Everytime we fly somewhere our kid asks if it's gonna be JetBlue - it's just the coolest.


Fuck this anti-trust bullshit. JetBlue should be the only airline.

 

MORE POLITRICKS!!!

Ron Desantis is a cuntrag. Total piece of shit.


There's a bill on the docket for the upcoming Florida legislative session requiring bloggers to register with the state when they write about Desantis or other florida politicians. Of course DYM's not going for that shit cause it's probably unconstitutional, and cause Ron Desantis sucks pig dicks.


This is just one of many proposed Florida laws that, according to MotherJones.com, are modelled off the policies of Hungary's Viktor Orban.

Basically, Desantis is trying to turn Florida into a Catholic Ethnostate:

  • HB 7: Prohibiting abortion and travel to other states for abortion

  • HB 29: Tax exemption for diapers and incontinence products

  • CS/SB 52: Prohibit and prevent students from accessing social media

  • HB 91: Prohibits any releasing of balloons

  • SB 1223: Restricts the use of gendered pronouns in schools

  • SB 78: Designating the Florida scrub-jay as the official state bird (replaces mockingbird)

  • HB 999: Bans Gender Studies, Critical Race Theory, and Intersectionality at state universities

  • SB 932: Prohibit drivers from allowing dogs to stick their heads out of the window

WTF!!! Dogs love sticking their heads out the window!!! Fuck you, Ron!!!!!

 

NEW STAR WAR!!!

Mandalorian Season 3 just came out. It's aight.

The first episode was corny and the story didn't make a lotta sense -- but it seemed like most of the awkwardly written scenes were just there to shoehorn in weird alien characters and sassy droids, and our girl Starbuck is back, so we're cool with it so far.


The continuity police on twitter are losing their minds tho. Jon Favreau said on a podcast recently that Mandalorian takes place "over several years" which makes no fucking sense, for a lotta reasons. They definitely don't have this whole storyline ironed out yet cause as of today (3/7/23) wookiepedia.com still says that all three seasons of Mando and the whole Boba Fett show take place in the same year - 9 ABY.


We've always suspected that The Mandalorian show only existed as a platform from which they could spin-off other shows like Ahsoka and Boba Fett. But now there are two more SW shows in the works after Ahsoka - "Skeleton Crew" and "Rangers of the New Republic" - and wookiepedia says they're also set in the year 9 ABY. We fully expect to see tie-ins to these shows sometime over the next season or two of Mando. Hopefully Favreau won't have too heavy a hand in those new joints cause he's a fucking cornball. We can't stay mad at him tho.




 

¡¡¡BEISBOL!!!

The World Baseball Classic starts tonight and DYM is here for it!!!!

We were pretty tuned out of baseball last year - what with all of deGrom's bullshit. We weren't particularly looking forward to baseball this year either, but we do love us some international competitions. Plus it's March, and we're in the mood for Tourneys anyway, so why not? LETS GO!!!

There's six Mets playing in the WBC:

  • Alonso, McNeil, and Adam Ottavino are on Team USA.

  • Lindor and Timmy Trumpets are playing for Puerto Rico.

  • Mark Vientos is playing for Nicaragua


The team to watch this year, obviously, is Team Nicaragua. They're the Cinderellas of this ball. Nicaragua does not produce much MLB talent but they have a fairly competitive professional league and it's the most popular sport in the country. Mark Vientos (3B) has been in the Mets minor league system since 2017. He played like 6 games or so in the majors in '22 - which is more than any other position player on the Nicaraguan team (they have 2 major league relief pitchers).

They played their asses off in the qualifiers tho - going 3-0 and outscoring their opponents by a combined score of 23-6.


The bad news for Nicaragua is they got slotted in the same group with Puerto Rico and Dominican Republic. Nicaragua plays Puerto Rico on Saturday and D.R. on Monday (both at noon eastern).

That's fuckin rough, but we still think Nica's being undervalued right now at Draftkings Sportsbook. We just got +5000 odds on Nicaragua to qualify (top two in the group). That's by far the longest odds in Group D, and second longest in the whole tourney. If they lose to P.R., they'll be underdogs against Israel on Sunday, which is absurd (Israel +1200 to qualify). There's definitely gonna be value on Nicaragua spreads every day, and we think they have the potential for a Morocco-like run.

¡¡¡VAMOS!!!

 

GHOSTS IN THE NEWS!!!

-NOT ALIENS IN THE NEWS-

Quote-unquote UFO's were all over the news last month, but nobody was talking about aliens!!!

Even famed alien enthusiast (and known illuminatus) Steven Spielberg is starting to walk back his previously held beliefs on extraterrestrials. Spielberg went on Stephen Colbert Show last week and posited an alternative UFO theory that DYM's been pumping for a few years now:

"What if they’re not from an advanced civilization 300 million lightyears from here? What if it’s us, 500,000 years in the future, that is coming back to document the second half of the 20th century and into the 21st century because they’re anthropologists?"

Boom. Fuck aliens.


GHOSTS are what's really poppin in these streets right now.

 

MURDAUGH GHOSTS!!!

This goddamn Murdaugh trial got an outrageous amount of coverage from every news outlet in this country. We were pretty turned off by it -- the entire True Crime genre is kinda distasteful in our opinion.

On Friday morning the sentencing hearing was broadcast live on every local network and cable news channel, they even interrupted our girls Hoda & Jenna!!! We were pissed for just a second but then the judge just real casually started talking about GHOSTS right there on national TV.

And we were like WHAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!

My man said:

"And I know you have to see Paul and Maggie during the nighttime... I'm sure they come and visit you ... and they will continue to do so."

Look at the bailiff, man. He knows what's up. This is some deep ass shit for him, he's really taking it in.

 

👻🍴DYM's Favorite 2023 Met: KODAI SENGA!!!!!👻🍴

Kodai was a dominant force in the Japanese League: 5x champ, 3x all-star, 2x Gold Glove winner, 2x league leader in ERA and strikeouts (2019 and 2020).

But his true claim to fame is a pitch he invented called

The Ghost Fork 👻🍴.

It's a disgusting pitch. Totally unfair.


Unfortunately Kodai won't be appearing in the World Baseball Classic this month, so we don't get to see the full speed Kodai filth until opening day.


For now the Kodai youtube highlights are pretty fucking nasty.

Fuck with Kodai, you guys.

 

¡¡¡NOVIA ESPIRITUAL!!!

OK, last one.

So this guy in Peru was drinking in the desert. The cops pick him up and find an 800-year-old mummy in a DoorDash bag. It's not totally clear if the guy got arrested cause a news crew interviewed him right there on the scene and he's not handcuffed.

Homeboy says he's had the mummy for years. He named it "Juanita", and he keeps her right next to his bead at home. He considers Juanita to be his - "novia espiritual" - ghost girlfriend.


Peru is one of the craziest and most haunted places on earth. There's mummies and ghosts everywhere and drugs just grow out of the ground all over the place. So, we would think this is probably a pretty common occurrence down there.


Incidentally, scientists have said Juanita is actually a male skeleton - so don't tell Ron Desantis!!! 🤫

 

HAVE A GREAT TOURNEYS EVERYBODY!!!


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