ITS THE 200th POST at DEFENDYOURMOVES.COM
LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After watching Tua get his eggs scrambled TWICE this week, the last thing we want to think about is NFL Football. We fucking hate that shit. We don't even watch violent TV shows and movies anymore so it's the worst when we have to watch dudes get real life-threatening injuries during sporting events. It's always tough to watch, but especially for DYM Scholars who know we came up with an elegant solution to this problem about four years ago.
What we really wanted to do was skip DYM this week and just repost that blog from 2018 Week 7 where we posited that chimpanzees are probably smart enough to play NFL football now and they're way more athletic than humans anyway.
It's honestly one of the most poignant things we ever wrote:
But when we went to the archives page to find it we saw that last week's post was #199 on this fair weblog, and that means this week is a CELEBRATION!!!!
What a fuckin time to be alive, you guys. Five years ago we bought our own website just so we could talk shit about your teams every week. Now here we are, 200 blog posts, almost a half a million words - all for you, Special Ed.
We mostly don't talk too much about ourselves since this is Defend YOUR Moves not Defend MY Moves. But not today. Today is all about us. We're gonna take a trip down memory lane and recap the funniest and weirdest shit we ever published on this site -
ITS THE BEST OF DEFEND YOUR MOVES!!!!!
DefendYourMoves.com was established in May 2017 but the origins of DYM go all the way back to December 2011 on the Yahoo! league message board. At the conclusion of the inaugural Special Ed season the Commish's ex-brother-in-law (team name CARMELOS REVENGE) posted the corniest and douchiest thing any of us had ever read on an internet message board. Carmelo's Revenge had named himself "Manager of the Year" and wrote a mock press release announcing his made up award. It was so fucking bad, me and Paul fucking DIED laughing.
You can still read that OG shit post right here at DefendYourMoves.com/fuckshit.
So the next year we started doing little fake-bloggy things like interviews and "Power Rankings" every week in the message board. We're not even sure if Carmelos Revenge knew we were making fun of him but it didn't matter once DYM took on a life of it's own in 2013.
By 2016 our weekly message board posts were regularly clocking 1000+ words. And we had already developed many of the regular segments that are still our touchstones today (Food Beef, DDOTW, Whos Hot?! etc).
That year we introduced the three pillars of fantasy WR success:
The funny names theory was first posited in the 2016 week 2 edition of the WEEKLY WILL FULLER UPDATE.
(BTW, its fucking hilarious that we were trashing Allen Robinson like that back in 2016, we were way ahead of the curve on that one.)
We kept doing "Weekly Will Fuller Updates" (aka "Fuller Facts") until mid 2018. To this day it might be our all-time favorite recurring DYM segment:
In week 7 of 2016, we wrote a post that would change DYM forever:
Somehow we kept that Trump schtick going for THREE YEARS, which seems crazy to us now. But you guys fuckin LOVED fantasy Trump back in the day, and it was a useful device when like Zeke was gonna get suspended and Antonio Brown went crazy. Trump could sympathize. And to be honest, he did have some pretty good takes sometimes.
We had some fun in 2017 and 18.
It was an innocent time tho. The blog was more routine back then, more predictable. We were streaming QBs and making trades. We did Trump bits like every other week, and we had just started to dabble in some other characters.
The weekly DYMs were still very fantasy-football-centric and overall a lot more focused than they are now. the only really off topic shit we did during the season was Food Beef and a couple of TV show recaps (like "POWER Power Rankings"). But even back then our jokes were always thoroughly tasteless.
Probably our greatest innovation over those first two years was THE HALL OF SHAME.
Back in 2018 Jeff Ertz's brother-in-law joined the league and just went AWOL. Dude shit all over the draft (3 QBs etc.), then made no roster moves until like week 6. It was fucking disgraceful. But of course the only thing worse than not setting your fantasy lineup is LOSING to the guy who didn't set his lineup. So in 2018 any team that scored fewer points than the absentee team got inducted into the HALL OF SHAME!!!
We've had a few close calls lately, but no one has been inducted since 2018 and hopefully no one ever will again.
In 2019 we started to get a little weird. The tone of the blog became a bit more frenetic, and we posted some experimental pieces like the poem above that we wrote for Fay when Pat Mahomes got hurt in week 7.
One could argue that Off-Season 2019 was the beginning of the ongoing "batshit" era of DYM. We kicked off that off-season with the legendary BANGER entitled -
After that we ran a Game of Thrones Death Pool for eight weeks. That was pretty fun and the last season of GoT was the perfect thing to tastelessly blog about.
But our very most favorite thing on the entire internet in 2019 was speculation about Star Wars Episode IX. We'd always been something of an amature Star Wars prognosticator. So with the last* episode of Star Wars set to release that year we decided to push all our chips to the center of the table. 2019 was OUR TIME TO SHINE!!! During May and June we rolled out our 11,000-word pièce de résistance - THE DYM ULTIMATE STAR WARS THEORY. Here's the thesis:
We do have a lotta BIG thoughts about Star Wars, and we love to talk about it, but in retrospect we think the real reason we did this is just cause we fucking hate Star Wars bloggers.
Anyway, Episode IX turned out to be an absolute piece of shit (which we'd discuss at length in Off-Season 2020 and '21). But we still think the premise of the essay (that the same things happen in every SW movie) was on point and as it turned out our goofiest and most specific predictions were actually the most accurate:
By the start of the 2019 season we were pretty tired of Donald Trump so we opened the season with a brand new recurring segment - WOKE WEDNESDAYS with KYRIE IRVING
Back in the summer of 2019 it seemed pretty important to have a conspiracy theory correspondent on the staff. AND WE WERE RIGHT!!!
The next year every news channel would be talking about stolen elections and jerk-off conspiracy theorists, and DYM is proud to say we were there first!!!
In fact our last two posts before COVID lockdown were Kyrie's review of The Joker and his break-down of the election 2020 conspiracy theories. So you know that when the rest of the country started losing their minds that spring ours was already LONG gone.
Obviously 2020 was a challenging season for everyone. The pandemic sucked and The NFL's response (and lack thereof) probably sucked even more. We had some fire COVID jokes tho.
The 2020 Off-Season was another turning point for the blog. In June, while America's cities burned, we finally admitted that there was a bad Star Wars movie.
The next month Kyrie gave us the beginning of a new saga. A story even more timeless than Star Wars - CUM JESUS.
The Book of Job (14:1) says: “Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble.” Now, obviously Jesus was "born of a woman" just like all of us, which is why he had so much troubles in life and had to eventually die. Our story posits – “What if the immaculate conception had happened to Joseph instead?”
It goes like this: Joseph - single guy in the year 0 - jerks himself off one night, busts in his belly button and falls asleep. The next morning Joseph wakes up to find the little baby Jesus curled up there on his stomach. Sure, being a single dad is tough, but the good news is that Cum Jesus wasn’t born of a woman, so he can live forever and have no troubles.
It's a fantastic concept: It's bizarre and triggering and off-putting; It has no target audience and alienates almost everyone.
When Kyrie first started Cum Jesus, about two and a half years ago, he said it was gonna be a novel. Fortunately for all of you readers there's still only about 8,000 words written so far (less than 50 illustrated pages). We do have five or six more pages of story notes still, but maybe we'll just do another bullet-point FAQ or something.
2021 was stupid in all the same ways that 2020 was: the pandemic raged on, flat-earthers and anti-vaxers were still coming out the woodwork, there was more new Star Wars stuff on Disney+ ... So DYM did a lotta the same stuff too - Aliens vs Ghosts part 2; called aaron rodgers an asshole again; Another long-form Star Wars essay; Weird new Cum Jesus characters.
Only this time we made it SEXIER!!!!!
And then, for no good reason, we started doing a Miss Cleo impression on youtube -
We're just glad The Commish lived long enough to read this post from March 2022. Jews In The News and Batman Week on Hoda & Jenna were maybe the two funniest things we ever wrote - top 5 for sure.
OMG. We fuckin did it you guys.