What’s up Special Ed?!
Let’s be honest: American Football is brutal to watch. That’s not a colorful hyperbole, it’s a plain fact. Dictionary.com has a couple definitions for the word brutal, our favorite: “direct and lacking any attempt to disguise unpleasantness.” We really like that one, because while the NFL has made an attempt to punish and dissuade the game’s inherent unpleasantness, it is impossible to even attempt to hide. In the NFL, unpleasantness is front and center. It’s difficult to ignore.
Did you know that there are currently 226 NFL players on Injured Reserve for the 2018 season? We’re only about half way through the season for non-playoff teams, so by December we should see about 25% of all NFL players traumatically injured. The average NFL career is less than 3 years, and the average player’s season is now only 12 games. So, the best American Football players in the world can generally only play about 30 NFL games before their body gives out. About 30 games. Lebron probably played 30 playoff games last year. Baseball players play 30 games a week. That’s a career in Professional American Football.
But the crazy part is amateur American Football is way more dangerous than the NFL. The National Center for Catastrophic Sports Injury Research tell us that since 2010, 67 high school students have DIED playing American Football, plus an additional 69 high school players have sustained “permanent severe functional disability” from their injuries. On average, that’s about 20 children, every year, BRUTALIZED by American Football - 20 families TORN ASUNDER by American Football. How many mothers must be haunted for the rest of their lives by nightmares of American Football before we say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH“?
American Football as we know it is an outmoded institution. As an intellectual society we ought to move beyond this barbaric uncivilized game. It’s not that fun to watch, and it doesn’t look fun to play. But, Fantasy Football, on the other hand is VERY fun and that’s the main reason why American Football still exists at all. We must play fantasy football, so someone has to play real football. In 2018, most humans are too smart to subject themselves to this kind of punishment and someday we may, as a species, out-grow this game just as we out-grew our need for a spleen or wisdom teeth.
But we’re not here to complain. At DYM we’re thought-brokers, futurists and problem-solvers. If human beings are too evolved to play American Football, then we just need to find another species. Recent studies indicate that isolated populations of chimpanzees and monkeys have begun using stone tools to dig and to open nuts and shells. Until recently it was widely believed that humans were the only animals to ever make extensive use of stone tools, but these primate populations have not only developed the skill but also are teaching it to their communities and passing the knowledge on to their young. It’s being called The Primate Stone Age. There is evidence that some groups of chimps have been developing these skills for thousands of years. Scientists are just now beginning to understand the practice, and are studying these animals in a whole new way. An entire new academic field has arisen in the last decade: Primate Archeology. Can Primate Athlete Performance Metrics and Advanced Primate Analytics be far behind?
The average chimpanzee is believed to be about 10x stronger than the average man. Making them the ideal candidate for the future American Football player. Can you imagine the Chimp Patrick Mahomes airing out 90 yard bombs? Or the Chimp Vance McDonald just murdering chimp DBs with that stiff-arm? It’d be sick. Good thing for us, primate physiology has not changed much over the entire history of zoological observation. The belief is that the Primate Brain has in fact advanced over the course of recent generations. Dr. Alexandra Rosati of Harvard says "It seems plausible that the ability to create stone tools requires some additional cognitive abilities." Of course those additional cognitive abilities will likely bring additional risk for CTE and other brain injuries. Subjecting chimpanzees to concussions will be a tough sell for animal rights people who are all liberals that want to kill football anyway. But to us this is actually an important added benefit since repetitive brain injuries could also help curb the inevitable rise of The Planet of the Apes. We gotta make sure we get the Republicans on board with this idea early. They love pre-emptive military actions and since Trump got those guys all mad at the NFL anyway, so this is right in their wheelhouse. They’re ready for a change we think.
HALL OF SHAME
It’s a great irony that two teams who should be celebrated this week for pulling off a BLOCKBUSTER trade would end up together in the Hall of Shame for week 6.
Nobody but Mahomes had a good day for Randall Cummingham this week. He didn’t even leave points on the bench. This team really only had 85 this week. Pathetic. They got three good players in the trade who RC will gladly start ASAP. Woods has been more consistent than Diggs so far and James White immediately becomes RB1 on this team.
Gentrifiers forgot to set their lineup. Again. Has a team ever failed to set a lineup twice AND made two trades in six weeks? It’s definitely unprecedented in this league, seems almost impossible. Did you know that Devonta Freeman started more games for Gentrifiers this season than the Falcons? True story. We don’t like the Non-Mahomes guys that Gentrifiers got in the trade, but with any luck he won’t need them down the stretch. Good trade for everybody, we think. Nice job guys!!!!!!
AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK
Prediction Record: 4-3
IN SAQUON WE TRUST vs TEAM MEH!!!!!!!
#1 vs #2 Headlines Week #7
The Commish has been on a rampage to start the season. They are undefeated, scoring an incredible 145.5 points per game. We would advise caution, though. The Commish will need to stay active to stay on top. We know a team that once won ten games in a row to start the 2015 Special Ed season, and another team that outscored the league by like a hundred points last year and neither of them were crowned champion. This will be the first real test of the Commish’s bench strength as they have top WR Devante Adams and FLEX starter James Connor on bye. He’ll look to Taylor Gabriel and Josh Gordon to start in their place. It should be noted that Bill Belichik said an entire sentence about Josh Gordon in a press conference so he might be the most exciting player in the history of the Patriots.
Team Meh will return to full strength this week with both of their SUPERSTAR WRs in action and Adrien Peterson reportedly healthy. I don’t like that this team is so good. Michael Thomas and Kareem Hunt were good picks to us, but we didn’t believe in Thielen, Kelce or Peterson. They are getting it done though. It seems like every time we put Team Meh in the Game of the Week we pick against them and we’re almost always wrong. Not this time.
TEAM MEH – 164.39
IN SAQUON WE TRUST – 142.29
SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS:
DEFENDYOURMOVES.COM vs GOLDEN RICHARDS
Russell Wilson is on bye so this would be a great opportunity to drop Jordan Reed. GR is also without Antonio Brown this week. Wonder who he was trying to trade for Mahomes. Think it was Julio? That woulda been juicy.
EAT A SNICKERS BITCH vs RANDALL CUMMINGHAM
The New Look RC’s could get off to a slow start with a few tough week 7 match-ups. TY Hilton will make a potentially short-lived comeback against the Bills, James White faces the league’s #1 Defense at Chicago and Watson travels to Jacksonville. Eat a snickers bitch also has guys in all three of those match-ups as well but we like Odell and Evan Engram to get it done at Atlanta.
EAT A SNICKERS BITCH WINS!!!!!!!
POLK HIGH PANTHERS vs JEFFERYS TEAM
None of New Guy Jeffery’s starters are on bye so it won’t be a Free Win but Dion Lewis and Buck Allen are about as close to Zero’s as you’re gonna see in this ten-team league. We think Gurley vs the Niners might be enough for the win by himself.
POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!!!!!!
UPSET SPECIAL: GENTRIFIERS vs ¡QUE LASTIMA!
Crazy that Gentrifiers was the underdog in the Upset Special just a couple weeks ago. This week they’ve got Dalvin Cook preliminarily in the FLEX spot so he will almost certainly not play. FREE WIN FOR ERTZ!!!!!!!
¡QUE LASTIMA! WINS!!!!!!!
HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!