DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2021 #5 - CUM JESUS UPDATE!!!!!


WOKE WEDNESDAYS WITH KYRIE IRVING!!!


Aw man, big shout out to DYM!! They CRUSHED the new Star Wars theory. I gave it a read during warmups on Thursday afternoon, and that shit got me HYPED!!!! I was tellin’ Blake and Jay about it and they were like “Word?” And I was like “No doubt.


Then I dropped 40 on those snake-ass Celtics. Of course y’all remember how I BURIED their asses on Christmas day (37/8/6), this second burial means we OWN their asses now.

I was still feelin that energy the whole way home too tho’. So I wrote a bunch more notes for the Cum Jesus story. I think DYM touched on a couple things in that essay that are a lot like what I’m trying to do with CJ.

I like how he retraced all that history of mythology, 'cause the story I wanna tell for CJ is kinda supposed to be like the opposite of the Judeo-Christian myth. Like how CJ is immortal - so his story is all about not being afraid of death. So one of the ideas I had was to have CJ, in his early days, be led on a bunch of misadventures that will all symbolize reincarnation. Like he kinda keeps going home instead of leaving home, and like the adventure makes something change but it keeps going anyway. Which, now that I say it like that, is pretty much what the Odyssey was. So, shout out to DYM!!


Anyway. One of the major plot points I came up with a while back is a dream that CJ has where he sees the future, which is the year 2020 as we knew it. That’s how he gets all the disciples to buy in on global utopia and all that shit. (Also the dream will help him know all about Star Wars and what’s gonna happen in fantasy football, which will be important later.)

Then I thought maybe I could use CJ's dreams to start introducing a lot of the reincarnation symbolism. And since the disciples bought in on the first dream, maybe they start thinking all of CJ's dreams are really important. Maybe that’s even where he could have his misadventures too. Check it out:


CJs DREAM JOURNAL:


Dream #1:

Jesus has a dream where he’s on a boat all by himself in the middle of the ocean. Just floating. Its real quiet, no land in sight, no clouds in the sky, and no wind. He looks behind him and there’s a giant tiger in the back of the boat. He screams and wakes up.



Dream #2:

Jesus has a dream where he’s a cow. Just eatin that grass all day long.

Takes a nap under a tree, gets up, moos at another cow, eats some more grass.

Later in the day he comes back to the tree and notices a little flower growing out of the trunk. He’d never noticed it before. He looks at it real close. Then a tiger jumps out of the tree and he wakes up.



Dream #3:

Jesus has another dream where he’s on a boat all by himself in the middle of the ocean. He immediately checks for tigers. All clear.

The boat is empty except for the ropes and rigging.

He sees a little island in the distance and turns the sail around to the starboard side to head towards it. He’s picking up speed, but when he looks up the island looks like it’s off the starboard side again, so he turns the sail again. But the island is still off to the side. A few more turns and he still can’t line it up. He checks the sails and the hoists. Then he sees a line that got wrapped around the mast in all the turning. So he picks up the line and passes it around the mast four times to uncoil it.


As soon as it’s all straightened out it starts raining. Pouring rain, he can’t see shit, the island is gone. Now he’s real upset, starts praying for a tiger to come eat him.


Then a giant seahorse comes up out of the water. CJ’s like wtf for real.

Seahorse is holding a wine glass in one fin and a cigarette in the other. He takes a big sip of the wine, finishes the glass and places it on the deck of CJs boat. Seahorse looks around, seems a bit lost. He says “Hey pal ya gotta light?

CJ’s like “What?

Seahorse says “A match? A light... Ah you don’t smoke. Just check that Emergency Kit in the bow,” the seahorse points down with his other fin “should be a flare gun in there or something.


CJ looks down, he didn’t remember there being a kit in the bow, but there it is. He opens it up and a blinding light comes pouring out.

CJ struggles to open his eyes, it’s like looking straight into the sun. Vaguely, through his eyelids he sees the silhouette of the flare gun. He pulls it out and closes the lid of the kit as fast as he can. “Um, here ya go, friend...” CJ says as he hands the gun to the seahorse, “...and thank you, I think.

Seahorse says “Yea, no sweat, you can keep it. Got all kindsa good shit in there.

Seahorse fires the flare and it explodes high overhead in a huge shower of golden sparks.


Seahorse continues - “Sorry to bother you on your cruise, pal. I can’t ever keep a pack of matches dry down there.

CJ looks confused, he says “How did you keep the cigarette dry?

The seahorse takes a drag, looks at the cigarette, exhales the smoke and says “Ya know, I never thought of it that way. Huh.” He pauses and drags it again. “Wow. Man, this is gonna be huge. Listen, you've been a big help, kid, but I gotta split. Anything else I can do for you?

CJ says “Well, I could use some food, and if you could help me get to that island out there it’d be tight.


Seahorse yells excitedly, “Ah HA! Now, food we can do.

Seahorse reaches down into the water and pulls out a fish. “Sushi?” He asks as he displays the fish to CJ. CJ nods, he’s cautiously optimistic.

Seahorse puts the fish on the deck next to the wine glass and carves off a filet with the edge of his giant fin and hands it to CJ.

Thanks.” CJ says warily.

Then the seahorse waves his big, spread-out fin over the wounded fish. When he moves the fin away there are two tiny fishes where the one near-dead one had been. Seahorse drops the baby fish into the water and they swim away.


Woah.” CJ is amazed.

The seahorse drags his smoke again and coughs out a laugh, “Heh! They better watch out for that tiger, right buddy?” The seahorse elbows CJ with a curled fin and chuckles at his own joke. CJ forces out a nervous laugh as well.


Seahorse sits down on the edge of the boat to eat the sashimi with CJ. He reaches into the water again and pulls out a wine bottle. He goes to pour into his glass but nothing comes out. “Damn. Hey, go back in the kit for me and grab another bottle, we’re all out.” CJ reaches for the kit and opens it, very slowly this time - trying to avoid being blinded again.

Go ahead, nothing to be scared of.” Seahorse says “They won’t mind. I’m here, so it’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.

CJ is not reassured. He looks at Seahorse skeptically. Seahorse waves his fin at CJ imploring him to go on. CJ opens the kit and right away he can make out the silhouette of a bottle and a cup, he pulls them both out quickly and slams the box closed. Seahorse opens the bottle and pours them each a glass. They eat and drink and it might be the first time that Seashorse had stopped talking since he showed up.


For a moment there was no sound at all and they could hear every raindrop plink off the ocean’s flat surface.


The silence is broken by a bang and another flare whistling up into the sky. CJ looks up and Seahorse is tucking a cigarette box under his fin. He stops, pulls the box back out and points it at CJ. “Oh right, you don’t smoke, sorry, bud.” Then he tucks the box away and stands up on his tail. “OK, kid. The sushi’s on me. And I can help you get to the island. But you gotta come back down here with me first. We gotta tell the guys about your idea.



After that I'm thinkin they probably get sidetracked on their way back to wherever Seahorse was tryna go. They’ll have to do some other weird shit underwater, and I might not have CJ find out what “his idea” actually is for a long time if ever. Maybe he’ll wake up and have to revisit this dream a few times to get the island.


Eventually he finds out that the island isn’t actually an island, it’s the head of a giant snake (which is why it was moving at the start of the dream). The snake, as he’ll eventually learn, is coiled up deep under the ocean and the coils actually are the core of the earth, and all the water and land is piled up on top of it.


LETS GOOO!!!!!

"It's sea-weed, baby!"





HAVE A GREAT MARCH MADNESS EVERYBODY!!!!!