FIRST TRADE OF 2022!!!
Yesterday was the first day of Autumn, and like clock-work the temperature dropped about 10-15 degrees this week and the trade offers started FLYIN'!!! The first trade of the 2022 Special Ed season was an absolute BLOCKBUSTER - A swap of 2nd round draft picks (plus Joe Burrow)!!!
Fantasy analysts like to say that the team that gets the best player in a trade usually "won the trade". So it's weird to us that anybody would ever want to trade Josh Allen. You literally can't ever win a Josh Allen trade because he's the best player EVER. You'd have to build a time machine and go get us like 2006 LaDanian Tomlinson for Josh. We thought about making an offer yesterday but kinda assumed Sharon was gonna want Diggs and/or Saquon back so we balked. We definitely woulda sent Lamar plus a WR (DJ Moore or Bateman?) and Lamar is actually the #1 fantasy QB after 2 weeks. Seems like we shoulda got that done - unless Sharon's still salty about getting burned on the Josh<>Lamar trade we made a couple years ago.
This trade woulda been definsible on paper if it was before week one. Back then Burrow's playoff run was fresher in our memories, and everybody thought the Broncos were gonna be good. Now, after two weeks Josh has more fantasy points than Burrow and Javonte combined. And the peripherals aren't great either - The Broncos look worse than they did last year (16 points per game vs 19.7 last year), and Mel Gordon is still splitting carries, so despite Javonte's 5 yds per carry (ok, not bad!) he has the same role as Kareem Hunt or James Robinson. Burrow's first two games were even worse - 4 INTs to 3 TDs and he's been sacked 13 times (THIRTEEN!!! IN TWO GAMES WTF!!!). Yikes. Sharon Ertz is gonna be picking up Wentz and some Niners rookie RBs in a couple weeks.
TRADE WINNER: MIRACLE WHIP!!!
FOOD BEEF: EMPANADAS!!!
RAUL'S EMPANADAS TOWN - Morristown, NJ
Raul's is a longtime go-to for the DYM Staff. It's pretty popular in Morristown cause it's one of the only places that's still open late-night when the bars close. That's huge, cause when you're really drunk or hungover there's nothing better than a thick, meaty, greasy empanada.
We have some fond (albiet fuzzy) memories of Raul's empanadas, so we had high hopes when we made them the first stop on the tour. Unfortunately Raul's day-shift crew was not up to the task this week.
All the judges were pretty dissapointed. The shells were too flaky and the meat had far too little fat and no veggies, leaving the whole thing rather dry and crumbly. We tried beef and chicken, both were about the same in this regard.
We also tried the papaya with cheese - it was syrupy and way too sweet.
EMPANADA SCORE: 7/10
NEXT WEEK: Food Beef is going ON THE ROAD!!!!
To celebrate Latin American History Month we'll be travelling to the unofficial capital city of Latin America - Miami!!!! We're gonna have TONS of empanadas and we'll be able to add at least one or two more countries to the EMPANADA WORLD CUP!!!
MISS CLEO'S PLAYER OF THE WEEK!!!
TREVOR LAWRENCE - u248.5 yds!!!
MISS CLEO's Prop Bet Record: 2-0
AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!
PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs. MIRACLE WHIP
AGOTW Prediction Record: 1-1
Two illustrious Special Ed Champions face off in week 3!!!
We went to check some Josh Jacobs stats just now and made an INCREDIBLE
discovery. The 2022 Raiders have FIVE running backs with alliterative names. Ameer Abdullah, Brandon Bolden, Brittain Brown, Josh Jacobs, and Jakob Johnson. It's amazing, might be the funniest-named position group in NFL history. Holy shit look at em.
Zamir White needs to request a trade pronto.
Elsewhere, this is an intriguing matchup between two very similar teams:
We got Deebo vs Cordarrelle, Henry vs Taylor, and Hunter Renfrow vs Ceedee Lamb. It's like a living mirror!! We think PAT has the advantage at most of these position battles, and they've got the incomparable Amon Ra. But the deciding factor, obviously, is going to be the QBs.
Russ was our guy for years. He is one of the greatest Special Ed champions and a first-ballot DYM Hall-of-Famer. But, with all due respec', he looks like dogshit this season. The Broncos are so fucked up - Nathanial Hackett has no fucking clue what he's doing out there.
Josh on the other hand IS our guy and this is our fucking year. Josh hasn't lost to the dolphins since his rookie year, winning the last 7 straight. This week he faces a Miami D that ranks 25th in the league vs the pass. Lamar threw so many TDs in the first half last week he had to wear an elbow brace at practice on wednesday. Josh is currently 4th in passing yards and 1st in TDs this season so far, and we heard he can run a little bit too.
AND just so we don't leave anything to chance we'll be rocking The Infinity Gauntlet behind the Bills bench at Hard Rock Stadium this Sunday.
Josh is inevitable.
MIRACLE WHIP: 127.34
PAULS AWESOME TEAM: 118.78
MIRACLE WHIP WINS!!!
SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS!!!
MASK UP!!! vs SHARON ERTZ
MASK UP!!! WINS!!!
HAMBURGLARS vs FISTO KIDDS!!
HOLY SHIT AMARI COOPER'S BACK LETS GOOOOO!!!!!!!
FISTO KIDDS WINS!!!
BRING IT ON HOME vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS
This is one of the biggest mismatches you're ever gonna see this early in the season. We don't think anybody on PHP is better than anybody on BIOH. Maybe AJ Dillon>Fournette but that's about it.
There's a few good matchups for Matt's guys but they're all road games (Cooks at Chicago and Henderson at Arizona). This is just not their week. Sorry, bro.
BRING IT ON HOME WINS!!!
FINGERBANG! vs TOBIN & THE RIPPERS
At long last, James Robinson's Achilles joins the battle!!!
TOBIN AND THE RIPPERS WIN!!!
CUM JESUS DREAM JOURNAL PART 4
CJ and Lil'Genie sat down at the table together and discussed Seahorse's plan.
The two of them would join Seahorse's fantasy football league and collude with him on trades and waivers, so he could finally win a chip. Neither of them were too enthusiastic though: CJ loathed the idea of cheating at fantasy, but he felt like he owed it to Seahorse for saving his life; Lil'Genie had no interest in helping Seahorse, but she was compelled to go along with whatever CJ wanted to do.
"OK, Seahorse, we're in." CJ announced. "So when's the draft?"
"Today." said Seahorse. "So we gotta hit the road soon or we're gonna be late."
Seahorse packed up a couple bags, and CJ grabbed his magic box and Lil'Genie's jar - his only possessions. Then the three of them went down to the garage and hopped into their conch shells.
"Ooooooh!" Seahorse moaned quietly as he slid into the coils of the shell "Fuckin love that, gets me everytime."
Seahorse lead them down a path leading away from the house. They came to a clearing and he pointed to a large reef in the distance. "We just have to cut through that reef right there. There's a current on the other side that'll carry us the rest of the way. Easy peasy."
Seahorse continued sailing toward the reef, CJ and Lil'Genie followed close behind. The reef seemed to grow larger and denser as they approached. Hundreds of different species of coral mingled together, flowering in hundreds of colors. The sight mesmerized CJ and Seahorse as their shells glided effortlessly toward it. As they got closer CJ could swear he heard sounds coming from the coral. Faintly at first but then growing louder and clearer, they heard voices coming from within the reef. Human voices... singing... Seahorse had fallen silent as soon as they heard it. Now his eyes were transfixed on the reef, staring straight ahead as his shell continued to glide toward the voices.
Just then Lil'Genie grabbed CJ by the arm, shaking him out of the transe.
"I know that sound! We gotta get outta here!! That's not a fucking reef - it's a mermaid nest. And they will fucking kill us if they catch us here!!!"
CJ stopped the shell. "What? Mermaids? I always wanted to see a mermaid. They're supposed to be beautiful."
"Well, yea, no shit they're beautiful they can read your mind and take whatever form you wanna see."
"Like in Ghostbusters?"
"Exactly. Usually they're a lotta fun but they get pretty territorial down here so let's try to go around the other way."
"But what about Seahorse?! He has no idea! He's headed straight into the reef!"
But it was already too late. Three mermaids that looked like the baddest porn stars from the early 2000's had already surrounded Seahorse.
He seemed to be chatting them up a bit, offering the mermaids wine and cigarettes. They circled around him flirtatiously and lured him toward a shadowy, dark crevasse beneath the coral.
CJ turned back to Lil'Genie. "We gotta do something! I'm going in there."
"No, master, don't!! Fuck seahorse he fucking deserves this."
"Maybe he does. But he's still my friend so I can't let him die." CJ took off and sped toward the entrance to the cave.
From the corner of his eye CJ saw three more mermaids approach. "Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts." he whispered to himself.
He turned his head to glance back and saw the mermaids morph into White House Press Secretaries Kayleigh McEnany, Jen Psaki, and Karine Jean-Pierre.
"DAMN! Still kinda sexy!"
"Just drive, master! Don't look!!"
Lil'Genie struggled to fight off the Press Secretaries as they tried to get ahold of the conch shell. CJ pushed the shell as fast as it could go. Just as they came up to the entrance of the cave a giant conch shell came tumbling out. It was Seahorse's shell, splattered with blood.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" CJ cried. "SEAHORSE!!!!!!!!"
The first three mermaids, still in the form of Aria Giovanni, Erica Campbell, and Anetta Keyes, slowly slithered out of the cave hissing, licking red blood off their lips.
CJ and Lil'Genie frantically looked around to find an escape.
Lil'Genie pointed to a pod of whales approaching them on their left.
CJ raced toward the biggest whale, urging the shell to go faster. All six mermaids took chase. The mermaids were incredibly fast, closing in, no matter how fast CJ drove.
CJ and Lil'Genie reached up and grabbed the tail of the giant mother whale, just as the mermaids had gotten their hands on the shell. The whale swam upward causing CJ's legs and Lil'Genie's tail to pop out of the shell. The shell descended back to the seafloor along with the savage mermaids, and CJ and Lil'Genie rode the whale up to the surface, to safety.
As they rode the ocean became quiet again. Curious fish swam in and out of their wake.
CJ saw a huge bioluminescent cuttlefish just like the one he and seahorse had seen the day before. Tears began to well up.
CJ turned to Lil'Genie with a steely, determined look in his eyes.
"You know what we have to do now, right?"
Lil'Genie looked back, confusedly.
"Seahorse had a dream. And we are not gonna let that dream die with him. We're gonna join Seahorse's fantasy league. And we're gonna win it."