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HAPPY NEW YEAR, SPECIAL ED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


We took a trip to The Wife's homeland for the last couple weeks. The internet's not very fast down there and we didn't have a lot of free time to just sit in front of the computer, so we missed a couple weeks of DYMs. Fortunately, Nicaragua is a pretty wild place so we think we came back with some decent content for you guys.

But first, some official business -

 

KEEPERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Special Ed Teams have one more day to roster their Keepers for 2023.

This year, anyone drafted 8th round or later can be kept - even if you dropped them during the season.

Right now every team has at least one potential keeper rostered (✅), and there are still a few potential keeper free agents left (FA).

We think most of you guys did a good job with this new set-up. There's only one pickup left to be made, in our opinion, that's Dak Prescott (for Doug) and he's actually on waivers til tomorrow.

 

¡¡¡TEORÍAS CONSPIRACIÓN!!!


Nicaragua is crazy right now.

For those that don't know - the "President" has been in office since 2007. He was also the first President of Nicaragua after the socialist revolution in the early 80's - so this is his second decade-plus administration. 2021 was his fifth consecutive election win - all of which were allegedly fraught with irregularities and fraud.

There was a series of violent protests in 2018-20 that seemed to portend an all-out civil war. But with the memory of the last Nicaraguan civil war still fresh in most adults' memories, a true insurrection never materialized. Then, in the lead up to the '21 election, the government began arresting rival political party leaders, journalists, and even Catholic priests who challenged the ruling party.

At least 300 civilians were killed by the military/police and another several hundred political prisoners are still being held indefinitely.


Right now it's a police state.

Cops are fuckin OUT HERE. There's random checkpoints on every major road, they got big guns, and sometimes they wear ski masks during the day which doesn't seem to be making people feel more safe.

Dissent is now illegal and also logistically difficult because the party controls every branch of federal and local government; AND Presidente's family owns a whole bunch of TV stations, telecoms, oil refineries and distribution operations, real estate companies, and transportation/logistics companies. So you can't really boycott them if you ever want to like drive or have a home or talk to people.


Everybody's pretty up tight right now, which of course is the ideal environment for CONSPIRACY THEORIES!!!!!

 

#1:

The hottest teoría conspiración right now is that Daniel is actually dead.

A lot of people hopped on this one a couple years ago when COVID first went real crazy and he didn't appear in public for a month or two. He did reappear around election time in late 2021, but now he's in the midst of another month+ absence from public view so the teoría is resurfacing. He made a radio address on Christmas Eve that a lotta people said sounded pre-recorded, and didn't really address any timely issues.

It's a little confusing tho, cause people still talk about the COVID episode and they kinda conflate it with the fact that he has lupus that he has to get treatment for in Cuba. It's probably just wishful thinking. But we think it's also pretty telling that so many people really think he might be dead and also can't really do anything about the fact that he's President.


#2:

Another teoría that's more wide-spread, but maybe less politically impactful, is that Rosario - the First Lady/Vice-President - is a witch. Like a real witch.

She gave a home tour to a TV station once where she talked about her power crystals and shrines (2:50 in the video above). She also looks like Cruella Deville so we totally get where this one is coming from.


Interestingly, Rosario also led the recent effort to reestablish diplomatic ties with Israel. Like most Socialist governments, they've historically been nominally pro-PLO, and subject to sanctions from the US and Israel. Which leads us to our personal favorite -


#3:

There are probably more Jews in Summit High School than in all of Nicaragua. Yet, for some reason, the Star of David has become one of the most ubiquitous logos in the entire country.

It's fuckin everywhere - on buses, taxis, t-shirts, hardware stores, you name it! They sell Israeli flags in stores right next to the Nicaraguan flag and the red & black FSLN party flag.

We've been told that some Pentecostal Churches down there have claimed the star as their own, and people just rock Israeli flags cause that's where Jesus was born.


We don't totally understand this one, to be honest. It's just kinda funny how many "Jew-ish" latinos there are these days.

 

AMERICAS GAMES OF THE WEEK

FISTO KIDDS vs SHARON ERTZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1pm Games just kicked off and we didn't write your game previews. Woops.

  • Fisto is down by 5 and projected to lose by 11

  • Bad News: Taysom Hill just scored on Fisto's bench.

  • Good News: Travis Etienne already has as many rushing yards as Zeke did on Thursday.

There's gonna be three guys left on each side after the 1pm's including both QBs. Justin Herbert has a much better matchup (vs LAR) than Burrow (vs BUF). But most of the action is gonna be in the MIN vs GB game. If Justin Jefferson has a big game, and especially if Aaron Jones doesn't, then Sharon Ertz is gonna run away with their 2nd Special Ed Championship.


SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


PAULS AWESOME TEAM vs BRING IT ON HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The two prohibitive favorites entering the playoffs are now matched up in the 3rd place game.

PAT already got 100yds from CeeDee on Thursday and now Justin Fields just went over 100 rushing in the first quarter. This is looking like another PAT smash performance. They might go over 160 today.


PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 

HAVE A GREAT 2023 EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




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What's up Special Ed?!?!


Welcome to the FIRST EVER "Defend Your Moves Week 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"!!!

This 18-week NFL schedule is gonna take some getting used to. It seems like Special Ed League's internal clocks are still set to 2021 time cause we wrapped up the fantasy regular season in a tidy 13 weeks like we always do. All six playoff spots are now clinched and Andy has a 100+ point tie-break advantage. Paul could still sneak up to 2nd and claim the week 15 bye but otherwise the playoff field is set.


The second highest scoring team - Defend Your Moves - is eliminated and DYM's 2022 will go down as the one of the unluckiest season in Special Ed History. This is only the second time that a team has scored over 1600 (or finished with more total points than points against) and missed the playoffs. Only Chris's 2015 - "Yatcha Bitch!" - was more unfortunate: Chris scored 1604 points (123.4 avg - great number!!!!) and only got 5 wins.

 

😎🤜🤛👻

Coincidentally, we believe Chris played a hand in our downfall this season.

Last week when we were looking for free agents with funny names we came across Saints' WR "K. Merritt" and we thought it would be funny to take him along with us for the playoff run.

Paul astutely pointed out that "Chris would fucking hate that." And he was right!!!!!

Chris absolutely did hate that. So much so that he placed a ghostly curse on Team DYM!!!

Lamar went out after 2 plays and 1.12 fantasy points, and it's a significant knee injury so even if we had won we'd still be fucked in the playoffs. We managed 117 points even without a QB (that's pretty fucking good!), but Paul still BEAT OUR ASS DOWN with 133.


Fortunately we've done a lot of research on ghosts over the last couple years.

We know that ghosts work in mysterious ways - their intentions are often misunderstood - and curses almost always have a silver lining.

In this case, Team DYM's loss was Special Ed The Team's gain.


As many of you know, we are co-managers with Chis in another Summit High School alumni fantasy league.

Every member of that league are PURE degenerates and, admittedly, it's way more competitive than our league. We've been in that league for six years and never made the playoffs. UNTIL NOW!!!! We entered week 13 tied for first with Chaz Carey -- and Chaz had Lamar at QB.


We tried to warn those guys: if Chris were struck down he would become more powerful than they could possibly imagine.

Having a ghost-co-manager gave our squad literally unlimited upside. No one could predict how Chris would extend his supernatural influence over our squad or, perhaps, over the the entire NFL.


We have no doubt Chris was with us on draft day.

We gathered at the Galloping Hills Country Club the day before the season began. Moments before the draft kicked off we took one last look at the NFL futures odds on DraftKings.

It was then that The Commish's divine influence guided our hand to take The Eagles NFC Championship at 10:1 odds (it's less than 2:1 today).

Then, in the draft itself, we simply followed our rankings sheet and walked away with a core of Jalen Hurts, AJ Brown, and Eagles D. 🙏


All season long we've felt Chris's petty, spiteful presence among us, and our wins and losses have come at his whims.

In life, Chris was always reluctant to change our team name in that league -- it had to be "SPECIAL ED🚌" -- so we promised him that we wouldn't change it this year.

Of course we broke that promise around Halloween when we changed the name to "Spooky Buddies👻". That was hilarious, and worth it, even though we took our first two losses of the season on 10/31 and 11/7. Since then we've cycled through a series of Philadelphia-related avi pictures and emojis but we remain "SPECIAL ED" -- and Chris has blessed us with seven wins in the last eight weeks.


Anyways, we just thought we should let you guys know -- Chris finally has a team that does NOT suck.


"Fly Merritt Fly!!!"

 

WHOS HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Bring It On moves back up the ranks this week after scoring a league-high 168 in week 13. They are exceedingly likely to finish in first and with the highest season-long point total.

But Pauls Awesome Team is the league's HOTTEST team for the second straight week. In week 14 Paul just needs the two coldest playoff teams to lose (Burglars and Fisto) to earn a first round bye. With Josh Jacobs running wild, Paul's Awesome Team looks like the most dangerous team heading into the playoffs.

 

FOOD BEEF: EMPANADA PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Old Havana (westfield) vs. Cafe y Canela (morristown)

This first empanada playoff matchup was a fundamental clash of cultures.


Cafe y Canela was the very best South American representative on the tour. Their cornbread crust was super thin and still soaked up all the grease and came out nicely crunchy. The filling is like a slow-cooked stew. Full of stringy meat, soft potatoes, and delicious spice.


Old Havana represented the Caribbean empanada style. They had a crispy, bubbly, fried filo dough crust. The filling was simple but tasty - just two ingredients: meat and flavor.


In general we'd probably take an average Cuban empanada over an average Colombian one. It's easy to mess up a Colombian empanada. The corn crusts are often too thick or hard, and the stewed filling is complex. There's a lot of room for error, but Cafe y Canela accepted that challenge, and gave us a nearly flawless empanada. Even the boy loved it and he hates potatoes and almost all flavors.


CAFE y CANELA 🇨🇴 WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next week: Pan Casero (Morristown) vs. Delikositas (Madison)

 

AMERICAS GAMES OF THE WEEK

FISTO KIDDS vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS

and

HAMBURGLARS vs PAULS AWESOME TEAM

THERE'S ONLY TWO GAMES THAT MATTER IN WEEK 14!!!!!


Fisto Kidds can stay in second place with a win, but that's far from a lock even against the lowly Polk High Panthers. Fisto has lost 2 of the last 4 and they are the COLDEST playoff team.

This could be a low-scoring affair; both teams having two starters on bye. They also each have players on both sides of the Chargers-Dolphins game Sunday Night. That's good for them because it's one of the precious few compelling NFL matchups this week. There's six teams on bye and the whole NFC is trash so there's just not that many games we're looking forward to watching in week 14.

Dave started a Thursday D who only got 7 points. That's OK. But Baker Mayfield getting a win in an under-40-point-total Thursday Night game is definitely an inauspicious sign for the rest of the week.


Fisto Kidds: 98.43

Polk High Panthers: 82.34

FISTO KIDDS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Josh Jacobs went out of the game last night with a broken finger. That musta been pretty scary for PAT. But of course we all know Josh Jacobs is The Wolverine and he never stays injured for more than 10 minutes. JJ will be good to go for the playoffs, but he came up short of 100 yds and 20 fantasy points for the first time in four weeks. Paul also has Jonny Taylor and Justin Fields on bye so PAT may be more vulnerable this week than they have been lately.


Even though this is the most important matchup in Special Ed this week, it still doesn't look very exciting. There's three Lions in this matchup - not fun to watch - and if Paul does get the win he certainly won't enjoy it since he's starting a Cowboy stack.

At the moment, Kull has Gabe Davis starting over Garrett Wilson. That seems like a bad idea to us. In week 9 Wilson put 92 yards up against the Bills and Davis had a lowly 33. The Bills have been sneaky bad against top tier WRs this season. The secondary is still in shambles, and we're not sure Tre White is really all the way back (or if he'll ever be this season). The Bills have allowed 20+ points to a fantasy WR four times in the last six games (Juju, Jefferson, Amon-Ra, and Amari). Plus, Wilson is HOT right now with Mike White pitching to him - 250 yards and 2 TDs in the last two weeks.

Gotta start Wilson, dude.


Pauls Awesome Team: 117.28

Hamburglars: 110.44

PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


BRING IT ON HOME vs. DEFEND YOUR MOVES

Superhero Movies are CANCELLED.


A couple years ago DYM celebrated the originality and creativity of recent DC Comics movies on HBO. Warner Bros released dozens of animated DC features during the Trump administration that we fuckin loved. We know that they weren't super popular but they weren't expensive to make either so it seemed like a decent plan.

More recently DC shifted their strategy toward much more expensive movies that were also unpopular. So now, cutting their losses, Warner has completely dismantled all plans for future DC Extended Universe content. Batgirl - cancelled, Aquaman - cancelled, Superman - cancelled, Wonder Woman - cancelled. Every future DC movie is cancelled right now except The Batman 2 and Flash. That's kinda weird to us cause we were sure they woulda cancelled Flash after Ezra Miller caught a statutory charge and started a cult. Who are we to judge tho?


The good news is that the cancellation of Wonder Woman 3 brings us one step closer to Gal Gadot's long-awaited CLEOPATRA.

We first heard about the plan for a Cleopatra flick almost 3 years ago, but the rumors are still swirling. It's important to remember that The OG Cleopatra started production in 1958 and didn't release until 1963, so Gal is still on pace.

We're also not mad about Aquaman getting scrubbed because Jason Momoa is gonna have his hands full making the next eight Dune movies.

Dune is the only IP that matters now.


FINGERBANG! vs. 🫙

Shout out to everybody that played against Doug this year.

We stopped writing previews of Doug's games back in mid-October cause his team is just unbearably awful. So fuckin bad, you guys. Doug scored just 62.76 points last week, the second lowest score of the year league-wide (Matt - week 3 - 57.68).

This week they left Van Jefferson on the bench with 11.4 points - which would have been their highest scoring position player last week. Somehow Yahoo still has them projected for over 100 even though they've missed that mark 3 of the last 4 weeks.

Empty jar emoji indeed.

FINGERBANG! WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


SHARON ERTZ vs. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS

Week 14 is basically a bye week for these two. Neither of them can finish higher than 3rd or lower than 6th. They're just waiting to find out who they play next week.

They both have a lotta guys on bye, but they have quite respectfully set their lineups this week in order to avoid putting anyone in The Hall of Shame. Great job, fellas!!!

SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







TRIPLE-DEMIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's up, Special Ed?

Sorry we missed y'all last week, we're havin' a rough one.

There were a buncha family gatherings and shit around Thanksgiving which sucked cause we got hit with that TRIPLE-DEMIC.

We keep looking at this symptom chart trying to figure

out if it's COVID, or bird flu, or MVS or whatever. Could be all of em -- alls we know is it fuckin SUCKS. We're still sick as a dog right now, but we think last Sunday-Monday was the worst of it, so we're fighting through it today.


Big apologies to any members of DYM Nation we came in contact with last weekend.


OUR BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WHOS HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Not a lot has changed in the two weeks since our last WHOS HOT check-in:

Paul is still BLAZIN' HOT.

Dave is still FREEZIN' COLD.

Defend Your Moves seems to be heating up, but we're still in 7th place!!!


With only two weeks left, NOBODY has clinched and there are still 7 teams that could get a playoff bye-week. THATS CRAZY!!!!!


Tobin & The Rippers are the coldest and lowest scoring team in the top seven. With a 1-game lead over DYM, they still control their own destiny - if they get to 9 wins they'll be in. But if The Rippers lose one of the next two then all the current 8-win teams (Bring It, Sharon, Fisto, and Burglars) would be IN; and if they lose both then Fingerbang has a chance to move ahead of them with 2 wins and a +24 point differential.

 

FOOD BEEF: EMPANADA PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We need a few more days of green tea and chicken soup, so the Empanada Playoffs will have to be postponed til next week.


Oh, btw, Cynthia just got tested. It's THE FLU!!!!!

 

COCAINE BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The HIGHLY ANTICIPATED "Cocaine Bear" film is set to release in February, and the first trailer just came out yesterday. It looks amazing. There's an ALL-STAR cast featuring the late Ray Liotta, Senator Clay Davis, Ice Cube Jr., young Han Solo, the living legend Keri Russell, and, of course, a bear that eats cocaine.


LETS FUCKING GOOOOO!!!!!!!!

This is a huge "can't believe Chris isn't here to see this" moment. The Commish basically modeled his whole lifestyle after that bear. Drugs, hibernation, picnic baskets, the whole nine.


RIP COMMISH

 

MISS CLEO'S PLAYER OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

George Kittle o45.5 rec yds & o19.5 longest rec

Miss Cleo's Prop Bet Record: 9-6


 

AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PAUL'S AWESOME TEAM vs. DEFEND YOUR MOVES

PLAYOFF LIVES ARE ON THE LINE IN WEEK 13!!!!!


Paul will clinch a playoff spot with a win. If Paul loses and Tobin wins then Paul moves down to 7th place.


Team DYM would be in pretty big trouble if we lose. Paul would be the fifth team with 8+ wins so we'd be stuck battling Tobin and/or Fingerbang for 6th place. Week 14 would be a must-win and we'd also need Tobin to lose at least once.


Paul's Awesome Team has two absolute BEASTS that both might not play this week:

Justin Fields was the #1 player in fantasy football for just a minute there. Fields scored 113 points in his last 3 games, that's about the same as Josh Allen's total over his last 6 games. Crazy. We have Fields in the Class of '99 League, so we'd prefer if he plays, but it's very likely that he takes another week off to rest that AC joint before the Bears' bye in week 14.

Josh Jacobs was supposed to be injured coming into week 12, but found his way to forty (40!!!) touches and 300 total yards. Supposedly, Jacobs aggravated his whatever late in the game so he's not practicing and will be questionable again. We really doubt Jacobs misses this choice matchup with the Chargers (#3 matchup vs RBs), but it would be HUGE if Paul has to late-swap Pacheco.


Team DYM is mostly healthy, but Hopins is on bye.

That might not even be a bad thing tho, cause Christian Watson has actually been better than Nuk the last three weeks. We're also not sure if it matters if Aaron Rodgers plays or not, since he kinda sucks and Watson got a TD from Jordan Love last week anyway.


Elsewhere, we kinda hate all of our guys' matchups except Kittle vs Miami. Tony Pollard and Rachaad White both have red-light matchups on yahoo (IND and NO, respectively), but it's possible the Bucs and Cowboys get up to big leads early and turn to their youngest RBs to run out the clock in garbage time.


We have guys in every time slot this week, but we'll know a lot about where this is headed after Diggs plays Thursday Night. Pretty much everytime Diggs has 100 yds or a TD we get a win. There was one game where Diggs had 74 and 0 (week 3) and we won; and there was one game where Diggs had 77 and 1 (last week) and we lost.

If Diggs goes over 100 and scores a TD tonight then we're definitely gonna win.


PREDICTION: DYM: 162.23

PAT: 160.54


DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS


HAMBURGLARS vs. 🫙

We hope you guys followed our World Cup Futures bets, cause our picks are ON FIRE right now!!!!

The group winners we gave y'all for Groups A, B, and C (Netherlands/Senegal, England/USA, and Argentina/Poland) all hit, plus we snuck in some action on Morocco🇲🇦 to win Group F right before the matches started last weekend.

Our other favorite squad, Serbia, is 4th in Group G right now with one loss and one tie, but they're not dead yet. They can still get through with a win over Switzerland (and a Brazil win or tie) on Friday.


Argentina lost their first game but still won the group. That's good news for you guys cause Argentina's still at +500 to win the whole shebang (Brazil OR Argentina is down to +120 on Fanduel). Get that in before they run roughshod on Australia on Saturday afternoon.

⚽️🔒🔨💰🌎

HAMBURGLARS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


BRING IT ON HOME vs. SHARON ERTZ

These guys are tied for first at the moment, along with Fisto and the Burglars. The winner should clinch and will be competing for a first-round bye, the loser could fall as low as 5th going into next week.


Davante Adams is the #3 overall player in fantasy over the last four weeks. That's weird cause now the top two non-QBs (Adams and Jacobs) are both on the Raiders.

BIOH has some pretty concerning injuries. McCaffrey got hurt last week and Fournette was out last week already - they're both HIGHLY questionable. If both of them end up missing this week then BIOH is probably fucked. There's no good free agent RBs right now, and since they have tie-breakers on everybody they're probably better off with the goose-eggs (and potential Hall of Shame loss) than blowing up their bench to go get Kenneth Gainwell or whatever.

SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


FISTO KIDDS!! vs. FINGERBANG!

Fisto could move up to 2nd place with a win, and could drop to as low as 6th with a loss. Fingerbang! needs to win out to have a chance at the last playoff spot.


Both teams are starting a Brown and it'll be interesting to see how the return of Deshaun Watson will impact Amari and Chubb. Houston is the #1 matchup for RBs so we gotta think Chubb still has the advantage at least this week. We also really like Hurts against the Titans, but the rest of the FB squad is very shaky. Fortunately they probably only need to muster about 100 points to take down the ICE COLD Fisto Kidds.

FINGERBANG! WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


POLK HIGH PANTHERS vs. TOBIN & THE RIPPERS

The Rippers will remain in playoff position with a win, and could fall to 7th with a loss.


Tobin's been pretty shitty for the last month or so, but most of that time was when Ja'Marr Chase was out - and he's back now - so maybe this is where they turn this thing around. Maybe.

The other problem is Kamara and Cook have both been underperforming for a few weeks, but you gotta start em regardless. Like, you'd never start Brian Robinson over Kamara right? Would you? Nah, you won't do it. Bet you won't do it.


For this week Tobin is gonna need a QB to fill in with Calamari on bye. If we were him we'd go with Mike White. RESPEC' YO MIKES!!!!!

TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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