DEFEND YOUR MOVES 2021 WEEK 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


What's up Special Ed?!

The Playoff field is all but set with one week to go, and only a couple matchups this week are even marginally significant. So we're mixing in a little early Off-Season DYM content this week. Of course we've also got Burger Playoffs, Miss Cleo, Who's Hot, and Special Ed Matchup Previews!! LETS GOOO!!!!!


 

CUM JESUS DREAM JOURNAL PART 3!!!


CJ slept like a baby in the conch shell that night.

A deep, dark dreamless sleep. When he woke he had no idea how long he'd been out - he barely remembered crawling into the shell the night before, and it was hard to tell if the sun was up yet from down there on the ocean floor.


CJ wandered back into Seahorse's castle and the lights were all still out. No one else was awake yet. So he got himself a bowl of cereal and took a seat on the sofa. This was CJ's absolute favorite way to start the day. He always loved that serene early morning quiet before everyone comes back to life for the day. Even at the bottom of the ocean the world is especially quiet just before dawn.


Between spoonfuls of cereal, CJ reached for a magazine on the coffee table. As he reached his elbow grazed a pair of small earthenware jars that spilled onto the floor. One jar landed at CJ's feet and popped open revealing Seahorse's seaweed stash. CJ looked at the magazine - "Fantasy Football 2021 Preview" - and said to himself, "Not really tryin'a read this anyway." Then he laid the magazine on his lap, broke up some of seaweed on it, rolled a joint, and started a game of Mario Kart.


He was so relaxed there on the couch that he barely noticed the snake that had slithered across the floor toward him, and began twisting itself around CJ's ankle.


CJ was trying to hang on to 1st place in his fourth straight race that morning, his eyes were locked on the screen, so he continued to ignore the snake as it coiled around his leg and began traveling up towards his spine. When the snake reached CJ's shoulder blade he paused the game, took a long pull off his seaweed joint and blew the smoke in the snake's face. The snake stopped for a moment, reared its head and hissed. CJ nonchalantly turned away and unpaused the game.


The snake extended itself toward CJ's ear and whispered to him: "You're not afraid of me?"

CJ replied, "Nope. You're not the only talking animal here, ya know?"

The snake hisses contentedly. "Very good. You'll do." Then it climbed down the back of the couch and slithered out of sight.


A couple hours later Seahorse came stumbling down the stairs, still half blind from yesterday's wine.

"Did you make coffee yet?" he asked CJ.


"I don't drink coffee, just got myself some cereal and a little glass of juice." CJ replied.


"HAHAHA!!!" Seahorse busted out laughing "Cereal and juice?! What are you 5 years old? That's not a breakfast!! At least get the cook to make you a belgian waffle to go with that Best Western Continental spread you got there."

Seahorse headed toward the kitchen still laughing to himself. "Check out's at 10am, junior, HA!!!"


After a few minutes CJ could smell the bacon and coffee wafting out of the kitchen. Seahorse would be back soon. So he finished his race and started rolling another joint to smoke with his host. The snake slithered by again and hissed aggressively at CJ. He shooed the snake away with his foot and finished rolling.

Just then Seahorse busted throw the kitchen door with a platter of food in one hand and a pot of coffee in the other.


"You didn't need to do all that, I already ate." CJ said bashfully.


"I didn't. This is for me." Seahorse said, as he put the platter and pot on the table and took a seat next to CJ. "But let's light that bad boy up first!"


They smoke, then Seahorse ate as CJ went back to the game.


After a moment CJ said, "I saw a snake in here before."


"A SNAKE?!?!" Seahorse coughed and nearly choked. Smoke and coffee sprayed from his mouth. "You didn't kill it did you?"


"Of course not," CJ said, "my dad always told me not to kill a snake in the house. You gotta tell it to leave three times first - just in case it's actually a genie disguise."


"You're dad's a smart guy." Seahorse was already scrambling around on the floor peering under the couches and opening all the cabinets and drawers. "We gotta find that bitch. NOW!!"


"Wait. You have a GENIE?!?" CJ said, "What do you need a genie for? We got the box, we can do anything we want!"


"Almost anything... and, no, I don't have a genie. She's still a snake, for now. That's why we gotta get her back in the jar pronto."


"Last time I saw it - I mean her - she went that way. I'll check the other room."


CJ walked down the hall as Seahorse rifled through the couch cushions.

In the dining room CJ got down on his hands and knees and crawled under the table. Right away he saw the snake slithering toward him - passing back and forth between the legs of the table and chairs. CJ reached his hand out to the snake and she wrapped herself around his wrist.


CJ marched back into the living room triumphantly holding the snake up over his head. "Hey, Seahorse, I found her!! She was under the table. Came right to me as soon as I went in there, I think she likes me."

"You think she likes you?? Lemme tell you something about genies - they don't like NOBODY! Don't ever trust a ge--"


Seahorse was interrupted by a loud explosion and a huge cloud of smoke between he and CJ. As the smoke began to clear they could see the snake had transformed into a giant chimerical creature.

In genie form, the upper half of her serpentine body had grown to the size and shape of a human woman. She had also grown arms, golden eagle wings, and the head of a cat with a dreaded ponytail of human hair cascading down her back.


"AH SHIT!!!" Seahorse yelled.


"Yea that's right 'oh shit!!'" Genie said to Seahorse "Your friend let me out, so I got a new master now!! Fuck you, Seahorse!!! Can't tell me shit, motherfucker!!"


Seahorse turned to CJ, fuming. "DAMN IT!!! You touched her three times didn't you? Fuck, man!!! Do you have any idea how long it took me to catch a genie?"


"No clue."


"Years!! See, everytime I see a snake I kick it two times then catch it in a jar. After a week or two I'll peek inside the jar. If the snake is dead, then it was just a snake. If it's still alive then it's probably a genie. This was like the 70th snake!!"


"That's kinda fucked up, to be honest."


"Look, it's important, though. I need those wishes. I've been commissioner of my fantasy league for ten years and I haven't won a 'chip yet! The whole league is getting together this year for the draft, I was gonna bring Lil'Genie with me and wish for a 'chip right there in front of everybody. They woulda fuckin lost it, dude!"


"You call her 'Lil'Genie'?"


"Yea that's her name. She told me."


CJ shook his head in disbelief. "Whatever. Why don't I just wish for the 'ship for you? Then I can use the second wish to go back home, and the third to set the genie free or whatever."


"But I was tryin'a get 3 though! Can you wish for a three-peat?"


"I'll give it a shot."


CJ turned to the genie "Lil'Genie, I'd like to make a wish."


"Yes, Master, your wish is my command."


"I wish for Seahorse to win a three-peat in his fantasy football league."


Lil'Genie slithered closer to CJ and curled her tail around his arm.

"Oh, Master, you're too generous. But please don't waste your wishes on this asshole. Seahorse cares for no one but himself. What has he done for you to deserve such a gift?"


CJ thought for a moment.

"Well, he fed me when I was starving, gave me a magic box and a conch shell, he shared his wine and seaweed with me... He's been pretty great actually!"


"Hmmf." Lil'Genie pouted. "Well, fuck that. No."


"No?!?" Seahorse and CJ shouted.


"No. I can't grant that wish. First of all, I'm not granting shit for Mr. Ed over here. Also even if I wanted to, I can't. A "three-peat" is three things. That's three wishes, not one."


"Alright, hang on, lemme talk to him." CJ put a hand on Seahorse's shoulder and walked him into the other room.


CJ leaned in to talk to Seahorse without being overheard. "It's not gonna work. She really doesn't like you."


"I don't give a fuck what she likes, that's MY FUCKIN GENIE!!!"

"Shhh. Keep it down, man. I wanna help you here, but we gotta work together. Let's think. There's gotta be another way to wish for a fantasy 'ship."


They stood in silence for a moment.


Finally, Seahorse got an idea.

"Ok, ok, ok, ok, I got it. Why don't you and Lil'Genie join the league and then we can just collude on trades and shit, ya know? Cheat the old fashioned way!! I'm the commissioner we can totally pull it off!!"


CJ looked at Seahorse dubiously.

"I don't know man, I'm in three leagues already."


"Oh c'mon! You're gonna love it, this league is the BEST!! It's me, Raven, Coyote, the Monkey King, Maui, Hemes, and Hermes' two idiot friends Apollo and Artemis. We wanted to find two more to make it a ten team league next year anyway. It'll be perfect."


"You know Lil'Genie won't do it. She hates your guts."


"So you ask her. She likes you. Just bring it up kinda casually, and tell her it's your league. Don't mention me. She's gonna have to hang out with you until you make all your wishes anyway, so just don't wish for anything yet. Just, ya know, hang out with her until the draft next week. Then if she doesn't get on board, we can use the wishes for draft picks and waiver moves and shit."


"You just want me to" CJ air-quotes with his fingers, "'hang out' with her?"


Seahorse winked and slapped CJ on the back.

"Man, I'm tellin' you. If you liked sleeping in a conch shell, your gonna LOVE sleeping with a snake-genie."

LETS GOOOO!!!!!!!

 

CUMMING THIS OFF-SEASON:






 

FOOD BEEF VI: BURGER PLAYOFFS!!!!!!

ROUND 1 (part II): River Grille vs. Habit Burger Grill

Our second Round 1 matchup pits an old-time favorite against the newest new-comer on the scene. This is only the second time we've ever been to Habit Burger Grill and it certainly won't be the last. Their fries are top-knotch and they have these flavored lemonades that are absolutely delicious. Plus they have a drive through, so it'll be an easy choice for future go-to burgers. But unfortunately Food Beef Playoff rules do not allow any Bonus Points to be awarded for side-dishes, drinks, or service. Habit's amature level burger sculptors were simply not ready for the Food Beef Playoff spotlight. Look at that picture up there, "where's the beef?" for real. They stuffed that thing together Taco Bell style.


The fact is Habit may have only won one of those three bonus points anyway. Because, to us, there's no better service than bartender service, and there's no better drinks - especially on the side of a burger - than cold draft beers. Even though River Grille got a lower regular season score, we gave them the home field advantage this week because they serve beer. We enjoyed several. It'd be hard for us to honestly say that those beers didn't make the River burger go down a lot smoother. But either way, the River burger was objectively bigger, fattier, and had a tastier char. No matter which way you slice it this was a hands-down win for our old stomping ground.


RIVER GRILLE WINS!!!!!!


Next week: THE BURGER SUPERBOWL

RIVER GRILLE vs. NICKY'S FIREHOUSE!!!!!!


 

WHO'S HOT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Four teams are HOT this week, but only 1 of them's going to the playoffs.

BIOH turned the heat all the way up, and put up a top-2 high score in the league two weeks in a row. At 7-6 BIOH will finish in either 5th or 6th place, but they will be a force to be reckoned with in the Playoffs. The three teams vying for the playoff bye - Pickle Ricks, Tobin, and No&Then - are all in the bottom half of the Whos Hot!? rankings. Between the three of them, they've only scored over 115 once since week 8. So they definitely want to avoid facing BIOH in week 16.

 

MISS CLEO'S PLAYER OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CEEDEE LAMB (UNDER)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Cleo's Prop Bet Record: 7-6


 

AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK

TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs NO AND THEN!

AGOTW Prediction Record: 6-7

Four teams are tied for second place and two of them face off in the AGOTW Regular Season Finale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


We don't think anyone will deny Miss Cleo's prognosticational prowess now that we've unveiled Cleo's Tarot Pick System v2.0. She went 7-3 in the Tarot Challenge pt.2 on twitch last week, AND blessed No & Then with the luckiest win of the 2021 season. This week N&T has a much tougher task, facing one of the league's top contenders without Cleo's blessings, and without any viable players on the bench.


In fact, both teams in this matchup will have difficult roster decisions that may not be made until Sunday morning. Tobin has Tony Pollard in the lineup who was diagnosed with a torn plantar fascia earlier today, and N&T has Keenan Allen who tested positive for COVID on Monday. Neither team has an easily droppable player to move for a fill-in, all the players on these benches would be useful if/when they become available. Obviously if we were in either of their positions we'd drop the Dolphin. But what do we know?


This looks like a real tight matchup no matter who they end up starting. N&T is putting themselves at a slight disadvantage by starting two Steelers on Thursday, so we're giving the nod to Dr. Tobin.


Prediction:


Tobin & The Rippers: 109.44

No AND Then!: 109.40


TOBIN & THE RIPPERS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS

Lil'Genie's Awesome Team🧞‍♀️ vs Paul’s Awesome Team

Team DYM will have to win by 80 to bump PAT out of the #6 Playoff spot.

DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Delta Blues vs Pickle Ricks!!