HAPPY HANUKKAH, SPECIAL ED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is the 5th night of Hanukkah and the last night of Huehuecoyotl Season.
The Aztec trickster had a whole TON of bullshit in store for Team DYM this past week:
On Thanksgiving morning the Old Coyote slipped some weird homemade soap into our sister-in-law's bathroom. It gave us a crazy allergic reaction so we had to rock the holiday festivities on a head full of benadryl.
Later that night, in our stupor, we were trying to read twitter with one eye open and some folks hollered at us about Miss Cleo's Tarot Cards!!! We did NOT see that shit coming. But even when we on the road, Cleo stay strapped, she always ready for a Tarot throwdown.
So we did the shit, and the weekend seemed like it was goin' pretty good again heading into Sunday. Josh had thrown 4TDs, Cordarelle was active, and we felt GREAT about our Tarot Challenge picks. But of course Huehuecoyotl could NOT let us cruise to any sort of comfortable victories, so he dropped 4 Fournette TDs on us, and our twitch picks went 1-9.
Now, after 4 straight Special Ed loses, Team DYM is feelin' a lot like old Judah Maccabee - struggling against all odds to keep our playoff hopes alive. We're gonna need a MIRACLE to get back into 6th place this week. Fortunately, we got the Monday Night HAMMER with our guy JOSHUA playing on the 8th night of Hanukkah.
Even though our week 12 picks SUCKED ASS, Dodger of Zion agreed to have us back for a rematch last night, but we think she might be getting tired of us now.
Look at that face.That's a "professional Tarot reader" who thinks WE'RE crazy.
We really might be onto something.
We figure this was a novel experience for The Professional.
We fuck with a lotta Tarot content on the internets and we don't often see readers actually go back and review their results from previous readings. One doesn't normally "keep score" in Tarot.
A few years ago we heard this one sports betting podcast where they had an astrologer come on every week to do star chart readings for starting pitchers and QBs. He was pretty good and his system was very complex. At one point he was hitting about 60% of his picks, but then in 2019 he just kinda disappeared from the show. You can still find this guy's various esoteric enterprises on the internets, but no more gambling picks. Now, to be honest we don't think that's a knock on him necessarily. If we ever figure out a system that reliably hits 60% of our bets we'll probly shut the fuck up about it too.
So, needless to say, Miss Cleo's Picks are still a work in progress.
We rolled out Miss Cleo's Tarot System v2.0 last night on the DoZ twitch show. The biggest change is we're picking UNDERS now(!!!!!). In real life we LOVE under bets. When you're still up after a primetime NFL game, there's nothing better than slamming an NBA Western Conference 2nd half under before bed - it's the perfect nite cap.
Anyways - for Round 2 of Miss Cleo's Tarot Challenge we picked 10 cards.
5 of them came out upside-down and 5 came out rightside-up. The upside-down cards are UNDERS and the rightside-up are the traditional Cleo OVERS.
Here's our TAROT CHALLENGE Players of The Week:
Most of the lines still aren't posted yet, but that's who we got. So far we're both 0-1 'cause Amari came up 5.5 yards short of the pre-game rec yard prop. The most interesting game for us on Sunday will be Ravens @ Steelers. We picked Steeler D upright and Ravens D reversed - and Dodger picked against us on both! Should be FASCINATING!!!!!
Make sure to check for us next week, (if Dodger still fucks with us, that is) and check out all her shenanigans over at twitch.tv/DodgerofZion.
FOOD BEEF VI: BURGER PLAYOFFS!!!!!!
Round 1: Nicky's Firehouse vs. 54 Main
Nicky's Firehouse is pulling out all the stops to take home the 2021 Food Beef crown. They will NOT BE DENIED!!!!
Every year we say there's some place that knows we're coming and brings the heat for Food Beef. But Nicky's is employing a deviously strategic game plan to ensure their burger dominance this year.
Around 6:00pm we called 54 Main to order takeout, they say "OK. 25-30 minutes." That sounded just about right for us. Since 54 has the dankest draft beer selection in town, we headed straight down to grab an IPA while we waited. On the way out we called Nicky's with the other takeout order. They say "OK. We're pretty busy - it'll be about 45 min. for takeout."
We knew right away that Nicky's was angling to secure the late pickup slot so their burger and fries would be at peak heat and freshness when they got back to the DYM Home Office. A villainous move - but this would not be the only trick up their sleeve.
When we got to Nicky's our pizza was ready but it would "be a few more minutes on the burger." They didn't even start cooking the burger until we got there!!!!! It was a dastardly, fiendish scheme - but goddamn if we didn't respect the hell out of it. We got back to the Home Office with a full Goldilocks spread for dinner: One piping hot burger, one ice cold burger, and a medium-warm pizza for the boy.
54 Main didn't stand a chance.
The wife said she "had no complaints" with the cold 54 Burger, but the best thing about Nicky's burger is the char-grilled meat and smokey-flavored special sauce which - when fresh and hot - are an insurmountable advantage over any average burger.
WINNER: NICKY'S FIREHOUSE!!!!!!
Round 1 concludes with River Grille vs. Habit Burger Grill
Three teams are fighting for the last two Playoff spots in Special Ed, and all three are HEATING UP with just two weeks left to play.
Last week PAT was the only HOT team in our league. This week they still stand atop the Heat Index rankings but Team DYM has finally turned up the thermostat for the first time since week 8.
BIOH has also been on a 4-week cold streak although their league-high score of 154 in week 12 raises their HEAT INDEX to .90 which is their first hint of a warming trend since week 8.
BIOH will need another big, BIG score this week to get above 1.0 for week 14. Based purely on today's Heat Index, they are still looking like the least likely team to make the Playoffs.
MISS CLEO'S PLAYER OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miss Cleo's Prop Bet Record: 6-6
AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BRING IT ON HOME vs PAULS AWESOME TEAM!!!
AGoTW Prediction Record: 6-6
This game will have a HUGE impact on Playoff Seeding but, because PAT plays DYM next week, no teams can be eliminated in week 13!!!
For a near-must-win game, this matchup had waaay too much action in the Thursday Nighter. Andy stubbornly started Amari "3 catch" Cooper even though he's fresh off an unvaxxed COVID stint, and was clocking about 60yds per game even when he was "healthy". Personally, we woulda been dropped Amari Cooper; but BIOH didn't have many other options. Andy has a highly inflexible roster because he drafted two TE's. Having your Flex positions completely clogged with TEs is especially suboptimal for teams in need of big late-season wins AND tie-breaker points.
FACT: In each of the last 6 weeks there have been exactly two (2) TE's in the top 25 Flex players (.5 ppr), but it has been a different 2 TEs every week!! It's true!!! There are only 2 good TEs each week, and no TE has ranked in the top 25 more than once --- so one's chances of having both good TEs on the same roster are EXCEEDINGLY UNLIKELY.
We were chatting with Paul yesterday and we both refreshed Andy's team page about 1,000 times to see if he had benched Kamara yet. He got the move made, and we think Paul's a little nervous now about Kittle going against him with Deebo out - but we wouldn't be.
Paul's Awesome Team are three-time Special Ed Champs, so they know what it takes to battle through these high-pressure matchups. But more importantly, they are the #1 SMOKE-FIRE HOTTEST team in this league, and WHO'S HOT!? is still the world's most predictive statistic for weekly fantasy success.
We'd be remiss if we did not mention that BIOH has still only made ten (10) total roster moves to date.
This is an appallingly low number for a Special Ed contender. In the last eight years no team has won Special Ed with less than 37 roster moves; in the 2-Flex era the lowest move total for an SESB Champion is 56.
This is not a coincidence. This league was engineered to incentivize move-making: The short bench/ten team/wild west format was implemented explicitly because there would be very good players available every week - and anybody can get them. Every week there will be a free agent in the top 20 - and thus every week there is a move that ought to have been made. 3 years ago the optional TE/double flex format tripled the number of potential roster constructions available to Special Ed managers.
So while there has always been a distinct advantage in making moves every week, there now are even more ways to capitalize on that advantage. No team should EVER be roster-locked in this league.
MAKE A FUCKIN MOVE, ANDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Paul's Awesome Team: 90.04
Bring it On Home: 88.34
PAULS AWESOME TEAM WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SPECIAL ED MATCHUPS
DEFEND YOUR MOVES vs. NO & THEN
The only other Special Ed Matchup that matters this week is the near-must-win game for Team DYM.
J-Rob missed practice thursday, which is very annoying 'cause we could potentially roll-out a JUGGERNAUT 5xRB lineup this week. It would be the first time ever that 5 running backs have started in this league, so we know No&Then is hoping J-Rob goes so he can be a little part of Special Ed History.
It'd be a shame if we can't do it but we're not too worried about starting Mooney against Arizona if need be.
Team DYM will be doing a lot of scoreboard watching because in reality we're just playing against Paul this week AND next week. Even if we lose this week we can still get in if we beat Paul next week and outscore him by a total of 73 (over the two weeks combined). A DYM win and PAT loss this week (or two straight low-scoring BIOH losses) would certainly make things a lot easier for us, but the true must-win game in any scenario is next week's PAT vs DYM.
DEFEND YOUR MOVES WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DELTA BLUES vs DOUGY GARBAGE TEAM
Here's some more pictures of sexy gals with flame-throwers that we found when we made the banner for the top of this page:
It's the FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS!!!
GARBAGE TEAM WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PICKLE RICKS!! vs POLK HIGH PANTHERS
We're just a couple weeks away from the new Matrix movie and the Boba Fett show. We're pretty psyched. Gonna try to re-watch season 2 of Mando and the Matrix trilogy within the next fortnight. So far we watched The Animatrix - it didn't really hold up. Star Wars Visions is way better.
POLK HIGH PANTHERS WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOBIN & THE RIPPERS vs SHARON ERTZ
Sharon Ertz has some moves to make (need a defense, maybe a QB, and gotta bench a TE), but if they get it together by Sunday morning they could have a sneaky good lineup this week. Jordan Howard and Melvin Gordon are OUT this week so Miles Sanders and Javonte get upgraded to RB1 status. Plus they got Jonny Taylor vs Houston and a very not bad WR corps. Good thing Tobin's clinched!!!
SHARON ERTZ WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!