DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON!!! - BEST OF 2016
Hi guys! It's summer and the Mets are so bad I can't even talk about it!
So, I went through the archives to re-create some of last-season's finest moments.
This 2016 Greatest hits package includes all the fan favorites:
Week 3 - "Way Down in the Hole"
Week 7 - "Jeremy Kerley"
Week 8 - "Candidate Trump"
Week 10 - "Election Night"
Week 15 - "Alternative Fantasies"
Week 16 - "2008 NBA Finals"
As we all know now, Yahoo! no longer supports images in message boards and Yahoo! is the worst. That means I had to reconstruct these masterpieces by hand, All the original typos remain but unfortunately I was not able to recover all the images because fuck you, Yahoo! Goddamnit. Anyway, these posts are the absolute best of the best of DYM 2016 and they are now DEFENDYOURMOVES.COM exclusives!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES!!!
Sep 20 10:14 am
Wow what a rollercoaster of a week 2!!
The best teams of week 1 (Paul, Rob, me) all clocked sub-100 scores, while underdogs like Fay, Ertz, and even Mike had dominant performances this week.
WAY DOWN IN THE HOLE
When I'm having a shitty football week sometimes I'll throw on a random episode of The Wire and recap it for you guys.
S2E2 - Collateral Damage
This episode starts out with an always welcome Avon scene. Avon was always the man, but I think he got even cooler in jail.
He really has settled in nicely, he's even got that Good Fellas style food hookup.
"Get in on this shit"
Meanwhile, DeAngelo is doing coke with randos. Hes about as safe in there as Nazir Khan. He's on thin ice.
Elsewhere, this was a romp of an episode. B Russell finds 13 dead Russian hookers in a shipping container, and nobody wants to work the case! Ha!
Then McNulty does 14 shots of Jameson.
WEEKLY WILL FULLER UPDATE
Week 2 - 104yds - 0 TDs
YTD - 211 yds - 1 TD
Another week another C-note for The Full House.
How did such a consistent fantasy asset fall to the final round of the draft you ask?
Julio Jones,Dez Bryant, Odell Beckham Jr., Sammy Watkins, Amari Cooper. What do all of these receivers have in common? All first round NFL draft picks and All have funny names.
When it comes to young NFL WR's funny names are preeminent in fantasy, just as dreadlocks and jersey numbers 10-19 are to the player success in real life football. It's no coincidence that Fuller wears 15 and has his dreads half bleached Brent Holmes style. That is a savvy way to compensate for a name that's 40% L's.
Looking at this year's group of rookie WRs I obviously had Laquan Treadwell and Corey Coleman ahead of Will Fuller. I even loved later round NFL draftees Tajae Sharpe and Leonte Carroo only because they have all time great funny names.
I believe this is the same reason Steve Smith and Antonio Brown were under-rated early in their careers - not because they're short, cause their name are not that funny. Honestly, I regret drafting Allen Robinson. I'll entertain any low-ball offers for him in the next couple weeks.
Man, that is the most boring name ever. Only polish linebackers are allowed to have cool names at Penn State everybody else is Deon Butler's and Michael Robinson's.
It's important for our WRs to look cool. It's the only way these guys are ever gonna get that NBA money
HOBOKEN TRAIN STATION FOOD COURT
In keeping with my masochistic trend this week I helped myself to a pair of the worst slices of pizza you can get anywhere for more than $2.
It tasted almost exactly like friday school lunches. Nuggets are still better.
Pretty sure it was cooked on a 7-11 hotdog roller.
Bonus point cause I was really hungry so I ate it fast
AMERICA'S GAME OF THE WEEK
Two of our league's champions meet in the only matchup between teams who escaped the first 2 weeks with no injured players.
Our current champ is the league's 7th highest scorer. He tallied 2 unlikely victories despite having basically no TE and the most unlikely QB controversy of all time (I told you he'd bench Rodgers tho).
Our second leading scorer is 1-1 after a huge upset loss to iQue Lastima! who fielded 3 100 yd WRs. I doubt he'll face that kind of buzz saw again, but the early loss makes Paul the favorite to offer me a low-ball offer for Watkins (yuck) or Robinson (zzzzzz).
Golden Richards - 109.00
Respec Yo Baldwins - 108.99
HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!
Christopher (Highlanders) Sep 20 11:51 am
You did say any lowball offers.
Paul (Golden Richards) Sep 20 12:18 pm
And I quote Russ - " Victor Cruz is the coolest name " bring him home Russ
Jeff (¡Que Lástima!) Sep 20 12:21 pm
I wouldn't be surprised by anything at this point. I mean, DYI puts Qué Lastima as an underdog!?! Like my boy Omar says, "How you expect to run with the wolves come night when you spend all day sparring with the puppies?"
DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Sep 22 5:37 pm
Donte Moncrief is a funny name that's hard to replace but the colts have a lot of depth at the position
DEFEND YOUR MOVES!!!!!!!
Oct 18 6:59 am
Oh shit you guys, the Buffalo Bills are 4-2!!!!!!! No way they lose to the Dolphins, but after that, the collapse is going to be epic.
Let's get to the DYM!
THIS DAY IN SPECIAL ED HISTORY
October 18 2012: the first time Josh Gordon was picked up (by me obv).
Gone too soon.
I smoked a fatty before work today for Josh. Gotta pay tribute.
He fell asleep at a Taco Bell drive-thru once. True story.
Generally we try not to talk about our own team too much on Defend YOUR Moves. But the unprecedented sadsackitude of our 2016 season has been the best story in the league so far, so it demanded coverage.
Fortunately, The WAREWOLVES got our first W so DYM can turn it's attention to:
More often than not, the biggest losers of the week are those impacted by players being injured or voluntarily entering rehab. This was actually a very pleasant week overall, as there were no voluntary rehabs and hardly any injuries except for one Big one.
7's lost meniscus impacts two teams in huge ways:
Russ = Whiny Bitch
Jesse James was a nice pickup for this team - backup QBs always love a TE dump-off. But really losing Jordan Reed may have even been addition by subtraction, because the most important thing is keeping the Western PA Dream Team alive....In fact it's probably not too late to trade for Allen Robinson.....
Still tho, it's sad cause Roethlisburger was a keystone of this team. Get it?
One thing I know about owning Antonio Brown is that it's way less fun when Landry Jones is his QB.
Meanwhile, Demayrius Thomas has an uncertain QB situation of his own, and Jordan Matthews is still on the Eagles, leaving this WR corp, once the strength of the team, suddenly looking very thin. Good thing he's got all that RB depth....Oh wait... My bad.
Maybe extreme couponing in the draft wasn't the best strategy. There could be a reason those Broncos looked like "Value Picks"...
Well, anyway, I said all along that Jamaal Charles was Rob's best player, so...
So I bet Chris thought if I was gonna say anything about his squad this week it'd be about JULIO. But that's not what DYM is all about. It's about the moves, and most of all the dumpster dives. Last week Chris picked up a WR who is not only a proud veteran of the un-rosterable 2011 Jets, but also an innovator in wearing a QB number and having a funny name: Mr. Jeremy Kerley!!!
JK11 had heard about how DYM was blowing up this year, so he reached out to our management about a sponsorship opportunity. Of course we couldn't be happier to partner with a long-time Special Ed waiver wire denizen like JK11. It's seamless brand synergy!!!!!!!
One of the things that attracted JK11 to the DYM brand is the fact that we've diversified so much in the last year. We are the authority on not only Special Ed but also NBA DFS, the wire, and local pizza. JK11 is looking to build his brand alongside ours, and the first step is this: JK11 is a brand ambassador! We're rolling out all kinds of DYM gear! It's definitely gonna be hotter than steph curry shoes.
We got DYM the jeans!
Hahahahaha! #DYDENIM!!!! Hahahahah!!!!!!! Defend Your Denim! what?!?!
DYM the Basketball!
DYM NBA FanDuel Picks start next week!!!!!!!!
The kids love it
This week's entry: Village Trattoria.
Chris' take on Trattoria was dead on so I'll just copy it here:
"Their grandma pies and regular pies are ok, but their specialty slices are where it's at ... The thing is that they put so many toppings on them that you can only eat 2 slices before your stuffed"
I accepted Chris' challenge and took down 3 slices.
To let Trattoria's true colors shine we got a variety of specialty and classic slices.
It's true, the specialty pies are where it's at. They load em up with BIG toppings plus delicious spices and sauces that can't be beat!! We were also impressed with their reasonably thin (but dense) crust that carries all those topping with ease but doesn't fill your mouth with bread.
We got slices of the buffalo sauce, chicken and French fries, classic slices with mushroom and our favourite, the Fried Calamari Pie.
As our long time readers know DYM is real particular about our calamari. And let me tell you, Trattoria knocked it out of the park!! This pie is the best of Trattoria, they put big dollops of that tasty marinara and they're not shy with the herbs and red pepper flakes. But the one thing that may carry Trattoria to the title of this competition is TENTACLES!!!!!!! That's right folks, we finally found calamari that's not rings only, and it was on a pizza!
I already know for a fact that Pizza Vita does NOT have calamari tentacles. So they have a hard uphill battle to challenge Trattoria for the Top Step division title. But they have until week 12 to game plan for us.
AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK
HIGHLANDERS vs. DONOVAN McNEW GUY
This is as interesting a matchup as you'll ever see in the special ed league: two teams that are near mirror images of each other.
On one side the would-be #1 overall pick who'll catch nothing but screen passes from Landry Jones for 3 weeks, and on the other the CORRECT #1 overall pick Julio Motherfucking Jones.
WR Advantage: Merritt
I can't even pretend their RBs are close. I'm sure Rob is familiar with Lesean McCoys work, he's at Miami this week.
Did you know: None of the RBs on the Cummmingham roster have had a 100 yard game (besides Melvin in week 2 as a member of DYM's squad).
RB Advantage: Merritt
They do stack up fairly well at TE (both stink) and QB (both very good). Both their QBs come in smoking hot after throwing 4 TDs each in week 5. We'll still give the advantage to Brees especially cause saint rookie Michael Thomas (boring name zzzzzz) is the newest member of the WAREWOLVES.
TE Advantage: n/a
QB Advantage: Merritt
HIGHLANDERS - 129.45
RANDALL CUMMMINGHAM - 98.12
Have a great week, everybody!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Oct 20 7:50 pm
88 is a corny old-timer WR number. but for RBs 88 is pretty fucking cool
DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Oct 20 9:01 pm
Came through at the last minute! Feeley was the davante Adams of this game. So clutch. I'm so proud of that guy.
DEFEND YOUR MOVES!!!!!!!!
Oct 25 8:08 am
Believe me, folks, the only way we can lose 7 games this year, in my opinion, is if some cheating goes on. I believe we're still winning. I have built a tremendous team. Best team you've ever seen. You see these phony polls like "scores" and "standings"... They're lies from the phony media! Everybody knows it! We see what's happening. The whole league is rigged. Sure, the draft was a YUGE disaster. But, nobody trades more bigly than me, Nobody!
Believe me, folks, i will win 6 games in a row. It will be amazing.I will win 6 games so fast it'll make your head spin.
If I'm in the playoffs which one of these bad hombres could knock me out? Chris? The most corrupt commissioner in league history. He’s been in charge of this league for years. if he knew how to win a chip he would have done it by now. Sad! The new guy, Mr. "Depth and Value"? I've had dozens of people tell me Jamaal Charles and CJ Anderson were really really really not good picks. I don't know, that's just what they tell me. Doug? Gimme a break. Mike Stanley created ISIS. Paul? Look, nobody respects Paul more than me. But Marc Cuban says Andrew Luck is very very bad. I don't know. I don't know That's just what I'm hearing. Jeff? Loser! Matt? Loser! Dave? Loser! Plus, many people have told me that all of them have RIPPED baby-fetuses out of a mother's vagina just days before or after their due date. Monsters! Abby? She's got some phony stories about some things I said to her 20 years ago, it's all lies. I'll sue her if she says anything.
DYM NBA PREVIEW
The NFL kinda sucks this year. So we couldn't be more amped for Opening Night in the association tonight. PG - Eric Bledsoe - Eric Bledsoe is STILL my #1 favorite player to watch in the nba. Besides Westbrook, no other PG is more angrily competitive or more of a ball hog.
Dragic - opportunity to take over the offense without Wade. Rose - Great DFS play until he gets hurt aka this week only SG - Harden - chalk pick, but he's still got upside cause he was out of shape a lot of last year. Sneaky all-nba SG candidate even tho Giannis Antetokounmpo has the league's #1 name. SG - Zach LaVine - Dunk champion, also shot 48% in the second half of last year. He always reminds me if Shonn Greene, where when announcers say his name you think for a second he might be Jewish, but then you read his name and he's not. SG - Rodney Hood - I hate Duke, but Hood is one of my favorite players ever right now only because he's a still such a sneaky value on fanduel. WELCOME TO MY HOOOOD!!!!
SF - Kawai Leonard - Spurs will still be a high efficiency offense and they will lean on Kawai heavily. Should be the best player on one of the leagues best teams. SF - Dipo - nice fit for the Thunder as the Poor Man's Kevin Durant. Could be more efficient with Westbrook drawing triple teams every play SF - Evan Turner - Another guy I hated in college. Both Turner and Allen Crabbe got those stupid $74M contracts from Portland, but there's still less competition for minutes there than there was in Boston. He could play 3 positions for the blazers so should find his way to a lot of minutes. PF - kristaps porzingis kristaps porzingis kristaps porzingis kristaps porzingis kristaps porzingis C - boogie cousins - Boogie took his summer with Team USA as an opportunity to add to his lengthy list of grudges against other NBA stars. He is gonna ruin draymond's shit the first time they play, watch. C - Rudy Gobert - Derrick Favors is banged up to start the season so he'll dominate touches in the paint. Nearly guaranteed double-doubles Dumpster C - Zaza Pachulia - A very sneaky matchup play. ZP is getting older , but was a very solid role player for the bucks and mavs the last couple years. Now he's on the Warriors where bench players can get a lot of run in blowouts. Here's tonight's NOT FRIEND TIME lineup for Opening Night!!!!!!!!!!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES!!!!!!!!!!
Nov 9 7:40 am
America is shocked. This week we saw results that no one thought was possible. All the projections pointed to wins, if not runaway wins for the Russ=Whiny Bitches, Golden Richards, Polk high panthers, and Highlanders. Even a DYDENIM victory seemed within reach.
On Thursday the early voting numbers from Florida gave Fay, Rob, and Abby big leads that their opponents were never able to overcome. I wonder if those voting monitors were on patrol in Tampa on Thursday night. I'm pretty sure Mike Evans voted twice.
As we sat by the screen watching the results come in, hour after hour, it became clear that the underdogs would win out in every contest on our board. Some precincts held out hope for a Monday night rally but they came up short as well. Just shocking.
BEST PIZZA This week's entry: DORIA'S
Anybody that went to summit middle school knows Doria's is the true GOAT of summit pizzas spots. It was the go to pizza and the place to be for summit pre-teens. Back then summit was a darker place: Starbucks was The Common Ground - smokey and full of strange smelling high schoolers; Bums and addicts roamed the promenade, and sixth through eighth graders fought their battles at The Rock and ate their feasts at Doria's. So you see, Doria's is not just a pizza place but a cultural institution. It is a place where young people learn who they are and how to make their way in the world. Its so much a part of my upbringing that the taste of a Doria's pizza brings on a flood of memories, decades old but so clear I can see them right before my eyes... ... Now it's the last day of school. There's a girl, her family is moving away this summer. This is the last time I'll ever see her. We're in Muller's gym, signing yearbooks. My neighbor, her friend, tells me quietly that she likes me. Like-likes me. I've got one shot. One day, today. Doria's. We ate pepperoni pizza and drank dr pepper. No fountain soda ever tasted so sweet. The pizza crust was flawless. So thin and crispy. The extra cheese is so melty it threatens to vacate the slice. The slices are big, and fold easily. The sauce is not heavily seasoned but very well portioned. It tastes exactly how pizza is meant to taste. The standard which all pizzas in my life have been compared to ever since. We walk home so slowly. Savoring every moment, as we savored the lightly greasy pepperoni. Here's my house. A kiss? Goodbye. Now she's gone. Score 9/10
robert (Randall Cummingham) Nov 9 11:11 am
If you are not going to have time to put effort into the weekly DYM, take a bye week. Poor effort.
DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Nov 9 11:15 am
Meet me at the rock after school
Christopher (Highlanders) Nov 9 11:55 am
I like the Mueller's gym reference. Did you actually remember that it was Mueller's gym off the top of your head, or did you have to look it up? Kinda seems like you were more in love with the pizza than the girl. I have to admit, I'm having a nostalgic memory about their ziti pizza. You might have found your new spot.
DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Nov 9 12:06 pm
Of course I remember Muller's gym! Where would you look that up? Rainy days like this we'd be doing jump rope in there for 45min straight. Blasting the soft rock hits of the 70's.
The Pizza Competition is really heating up. Looks like we'll have to have a full Slice-Off Tournament during the fantasy playoffs.
DYM will be at the Garden tonight taking in some NBA action and NOT talking about the election. So we ought not forget: DYM NBA FANDUEL LOCKS for a BIG WEDNESDAY in the Association!!!!!!!!!! 11 games on tap tonight with a few choice matchups: PG - Sergio Rodriguez - the spaniard is logging over 30 mpg and faces a Pacer team that gives up 120+ppg on the season PG - Chris Paul - CP is on fire in the last week, scoring nearly 50 fantasy points per game over the last 5 SG - Sean Kilpatrick - a budget option, he leads a battered nets backcourt in a trash matchup at the Garden SG - Rodney Hood - Continues to produce even with Heyward back. He has been lightly owned. WHERE THE HOOD AT? SF - Kawai Leonard - The foundation of tonights lineup. He'll face 0 defense vs HOU SF - Harrison Barnes - REVENGE game vs GSW PF - Sabonis - The rookie is gaining billy Donovan's trust, logging 27 mpg and 25 fantasy ppg in the last 3 games PF - Ghostface Ilya - Another budget Sixer facing the generous Indiana defense. Pair him with Brook Lopez or use Blake Griffin at PF and Okafor at C C - Jahlil Okafor - Use him with Blake Griffin in non-Ilyasova lineups, or Brook Lopez at the Garden and Blake vs guard-heavy Portland HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
Tacos! (15 yards of baldwin) Nov 9 3:17 pm
Non-summit hater... moderately annoying. Forced political affiliation ... worse. What pisses me off most is when I genuinely like these... Who was she!! Does your wife know this? Wait... is it her... did she go to SMS with us??? ... that makes no sense... I NEED TO KNOW!!!! My mind was wiped by Tom Perrys sucker shove by the rock!!!! ... or the front yard YMCA. Same shit. Mullers Gym. Common Ground. Good god. Who's in for a stampede! #BusInception...
DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Nov 9 3:55 pm
oh shit stampede!!!!! don't get caught in that bathroom when Daryl turns off the lights
Nov 9 4:10 pm
Old Bluetooth?! That shit sucked he got me with that once.
DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Nov 9 7:10 pm
robert (Randall Cummingham) Nov 9 7:39 pm
Rough night for the Serge though....
DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Nov 9 7:44 pm
another 2 block night for Okafor tho. I can't quit these Dukeys
Paul (Golden Richards) Nov 10 2:18 pm
Hahaha! Where would I look that up?!?
Christopher (Highlanders) Nov 10 3:09 pm
It's called Google. You guys should check it out. You'd be amazed at what it can do.
DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Nov 10 7:27 pm
and it's spelled with an e? huh.
Paul (Golden Richards) Nov 11 5:58 am
can it chris! I'm tired of you intellectual elites
Abby (Bitchslapped) Nov 13 8:55 am
Oh man, ziti pizza was the best! Tom Parry was my neighbor in Summit, that crazy ginger. Doria's will always have a special place in my heart. So many memories. And The Common Ground, wow. Open mic night in a coffee shop, man the 90s were so cool!!
DEFEND YOUR MOVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dec 8 11:03 am
Sorry for the delay, DYM fans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We got caught up doing a lot of “work” at my “real job” this week. BUT WE DID NOT FORGET ABOUT DYM NATION!
The Special Ed playoffs begin this week with two great matchups. Meanwhile, Doug, Matt and all of us in the CONSTELLATION BRACKET are taking a well-earned bye week. and the bye couldnt come at a better time. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m sick of this shit.
Fantasy Football is stupid, we all know that. But now the IRL NFL is becoming less and less fun to watch (oooh boy. I can’t wait for this Pats/Cowboys Super Bowl. NOT!!!!!!!). So, DYM has been thinking about finding some new ways to get our fantasy rocks off.
Follow me folks, let’s take a look around the non-football-fantasy landscape, see what we can see
Probably better than Fantasy NFL in every way. But you already knew that.
Short slate tonight, but with two nice (115+o/u) matchups to target in DEN@WAS and MIN@TOR. Here’s a preview of tonight’s not_friend_time lineup:
FANTASY MOVIE STUDIO/RECORD LABEL
Fantasy Movie Studios and Fantasy Record Labels have been around for a little while now (shoutout to the pioneers at filmdrunk.com). It’s pretty simple, you look at the movies that are coming out this year, and draft em. The “studio” with the movies that gross the most at the box office wins.
This is great for people who appreciate how the NFL makes a ton of money, while having no regard for employee safety or audience enjoyment, but just aren’t that into sports.
FANTASY DOG SHOWS
Dog shows are another highly competitive non-sport that we might be able to get into. We’re jumping into showdog.com with both feet. We already got a pretty sick lineup in the “Working Dog” Group, including a Shiba Inu, a Samoyed and a top-ranked Rottweiler. Not_Friend_Time Kennels is in a big show tomorrow, wish me luck.
This shit is already better than anything on Yahoo! Fantasy Sports just cause of this:
Fay said he got a similar message after he drafted Jarvis Landry
PUPPY BOWL XIII
- Of course the annual Puppy Bowl on SB Sunday is a DYM Family favorite. Sometimes I prefer it to the actual Big Game (especially when the Patriots win). Last year they had a Fantasy Puppy Bowl Game online, but I’m not sure if they actually kept score. STILL SO CUTE THO!!!
FANTASY WWE PRO WRESTLING
Although Pro Wrestling is not real, FANTASY Pro Wrestling very much is. DropTheBelt.com is great for people who like how the NBA is fixed but miss the concussions and drug abuse of the NFL. The 2017 "season" starts January 2, and my “league” on DropTheBelt is live-drafting this Saturday at 4pm. Seriously. I’m going Undertaker in the 1st!!!
2017 WORLD FANTASY CONVENTION IN SAN ANTONIO, TX
" The World Fantasy Convention (WFC) is an annual gathering of professionals, collectors, and others interested in the field of light and dark fantasy art and literature. "
SOUNDS LIKE DYM SHOULD FIT RIGHT IN!!!! We're trying to stick to "light fantasy literature" this season. I know last year we got a little too dark. But we're very excited about this year’s theme: " Secret Histories - The Use of History in Fantasy ". I'll be bringing “ This Day in Special Ed History ” and advancing my theory that the only way to make history repeat itself is by refusing to learn from it.
SEE YOU IN SAN ANTONE!!!
The opening round of the Special Ed playoffs features a pair of GRUDGE MATCHES! Two great matchups both of which could go either way. One matchup of Old-Friends-Turned-Bitter-Rivals and one Battle-For-The-Ages!!!!!!!!!!!!!!