DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON!!! - BEST OF 2016

Hi guys! It's summer and the Mets are so bad I can't even talk about it!

So, I went through the archives to re-create some of last-season's finest moments.

This 2016 Greatest hits package includes all the fan favorites:

Week 3 - "Way Down in the Hole"

Week 7 - "Jeremy Kerley"

Week 8 - "Candidate Trump"

Week 10 - "Election Night"

Week 15 - "Alternative Fantasies"

Week 16 - "2008 NBA Finals"

As we all know now, Yahoo! no longer supports images in message boards and Yahoo! is the worst. That means I had to reconstruct these masterpieces by hand, All the original typos remain but unfortunately I was not able to recover all the images because fuck you, Yahoo! Goddamnit. Anyway, these posts are the absolute best of the best of DYM 2016 and they are now DEFENDYOURMOVES.COM exclusives!

Let's Go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
 

DEFEND YOUR MOVES!!!

Sep 20 10:14 am

Wow what a rollercoaster of a week 2!!

The best teams of week 1 (Paul, Rob, me) all clocked sub-100 scores, while underdogs like Fay, Ertz, and even Mike had dominant performances this week.

WAY DOWN IN THE HOLE

When I'm having a shitty football week sometimes I'll throw on a random episode of The Wire and recap it for you guys.

S2E2 - Collateral Damage

This episode starts out with an always welcome Avon scene. Avon was always the man, but I think he got even cooler in jail.

He really has settled in nicely, he's even got that Good Fellas style food hookup.

"Get in on this shit"

Meanwhile, DeAngelo is doing coke with randos. Hes about as safe in there as Nazir Khan. He's on thin ice.

Elsewhere, this was a romp of an episode. B Russell finds 13 dead Russian hookers in a shipping container, and nobody wants to work the case! Ha!

Then McNulty does 14 shots of Jameson.

WEEKLY WILL FULLER UPDATE

Week 2 - 104yds - 0 TDs

YTD - 211 yds - 1 TD

Another week another C-note for The Full House.

How did such a consistent fantasy asset fall to the final round of the draft you ask?

Follow me:

Julio Jones,Dez Bryant, Odell Beckham Jr., Sammy Watkins, Amari Cooper. What do all of these receivers have in common? All first round NFL draft picks and All have funny names.

When it comes to young NFL WR's funny names are preeminent in fantasy, just as dreadlocks and jersey numbers 10-19 are to the player success in real life football. It's no coincidence that Fuller wears 15 and has his dreads half bleached Brent Holmes style. That is a savvy way to compensate for a name that's 40% L's.

Looking at this year's group of rookie WRs I obviously had Laquan Treadwell and Corey Coleman ahead of Will Fuller. I even loved later round NFL draftees Tajae Sharpe and Leonte Carroo only because they have all time great funny names.

I believe this is the same reason Steve Smith and Antonio Brown were under-rated early in their careers - not because they're short, cause their name are not that funny. Honestly, I regret drafting Allen Robinson. I'll entertain any low-ball offers for him in the next couple weeks.

Man, that is the most boring name ever. Only polish linebackers are allowed to have cool names at Penn State everybody else is Deon Butler's and Michael Robinson's.

It's important for our WRs to look cool. It's the only way these guys are ever gonna get that NBA money

BEST PIZZA

HOBOKEN TRAIN STATION FOOD COURT

In keeping with my masochistic trend this week I helped myself to a pair of the worst slices of pizza you can get anywhere for more than $2.

It tasted almost exactly like friday school lunches. Nuggets are still better.

Pretty sure it was cooked on a 7-11 hotdog roller.

Bonus point cause I was really hungry so I ate it fast

1.5/10

AMERICA'S GAME OF THE WEEK

Two of our league's champions meet in the only matchup between teams who escaped the first 2 weeks with no injured players.

Our current champ is the league's 7th highest scorer. He tallied 2 unlikely victories despite having basically no TE and the most unlikely QB controversy of all time (I told you he'd bench Rodgers tho).

Our second leading scorer is 1-1 after a huge upset loss to iQue Lastima! who fielded 3 100 yd WRs. I doubt he'll face that kind of buzz saw again, but the early loss makes Paul the favorite to offer me a low-ball offer for Watkins (yuck) or Robinson (zzzzzz).

Prediction:

Golden Richards - 109.00

Respec Yo Baldwins - 108.99

HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYBODY!!

[4 comments:]

Christopher (Highlanders) Sep 20 11:51 am

You did say any lowball offers.

Paul (Golden Richards) Sep 20 12:18 pm

And I quote Russ - " Victor Cruz is the coolest name " bring him home Russ

Jeff (¡Que Lástima!) Sep 20 12:21 pm

I wouldn't be surprised by anything at this point. I mean, DYI puts Qué Lastima as an underdog!?! Like my boy Omar says, "How you expect to run with the wolves come night when you spend all day sparring with the puppies?"

DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Sep 22 5:37 pm

Donte Moncrief is a funny name that's hard to replace but the colts have a lot of depth at the position

 

DEFEND YOUR MOVES!!!!!!!

Oct 18 6:59 am

Oh shit you guys, the Buffalo Bills are 4-2!!!!!!! No way they lose to the Dolphins, but after that, the collapse is going to be epic.

Let's get to the DYM!

THIS DAY IN SPECIAL ED HISTORY

October 18 2012: the first time Josh Gordon was picked up (by me obv).

Bittersweet memories.

Gone too soon.

I smoked a fatty before work today for Josh. Gotta pay tribute.

He fell asleep at a Taco Bell drive-thru once. True story.

Generally we try not to talk about our own team too much on Defend YOUR Moves. But the unprecedented sadsackitude of our 2016 season has been the best story in the league so far, so it demanded coverage.

Fortunately, The WAREWOLVES got our first W so DYM can turn it's attention to:

WHO LOST???????

More often than not, the biggest losers of the week are those impacted by players being injured or voluntarily entering rehab. This was actually a very pleasant week overall, as there were no voluntary rehabs and hardly any injuries except for one Big one.

7's lost meniscus impacts two teams in huge ways:

Russ = Whiny Bitch

Jesse James was a nice pickup for this team - backup QBs always love a TE dump-off. But really losing Jordan Reed may have even been addition by subtraction, because the most important thing is keeping the Western PA Dream Team alive....In fact it's probably not too late to trade for Allen Robinson.....

just sayin...

Still tho, it's sad cause Roethlisburger was a keystone of this team. Get it?

Randall Cummmingham

One thing I know about owning Antonio Brown is that it's way less fun when Landry Jones is his QB.

Meanwhile, Demayrius Thomas has an uncertain QB situation of his own, and Jordan Matthews is still on the Eagles, leaving this WR corp, once the strength of the team, suddenly looking very thin. Good thing he's got all that RB depth....Oh wait... My bad.

Maybe extreme couponing in the draft wasn't the best strategy. There could be a reason those Broncos looked like "Value Picks"...

Well, anyway, I said all along that Jamaal Charles was Rob's best player, so...


JEREMY FUCKING KERLEY #DYM #JK11

So I bet Chris thought if I was gonna say anything about his squad this week it'd be about JULIO. But that's not what DYM is all about. It's about the moves, and most of all the dumpster dives. Last week Chris picked up a WR who is not only a proud veteran of the un-rosterable 2011 Jets, but also an innovator in wearing a QB number and having a funny name: Mr. Jeremy Kerley!!!

JK11 had heard about how DYM was blowing up this year, so he reached out to our management about a sponsorship opportunity. Of course we couldn't be happier to partner with a long-time Special Ed waiver wire denizen like JK11. It's seamless brand synergy!!!!!!!

One of the things that attracted JK11 to the DYM brand is the fact that we've diversified so much in the last year. We are the authority on not only Special Ed but also NBA DFS, the wire, and local pizza. JK11 is looking to build his brand alongside ours, and the first step is this: JK11 is a brand ambassador! We're rolling out all kinds of DYM gear! It's definitely gonna be hotter than steph curry shoes.

That's right,

We got DYM the jeans!

Hahahahaha! #DYDENIM!!!! Hahahahah!!!!!!! Defend Your Denim! what?!?!

DYM the Basketball!

DYM NBA FanDuel Picks start next week!!!!!!!!

The kids love it

BEST PIZZA!!!!!!!

This week's entry: Village Trattoria.

Chris' take on Trattoria was dead on so I'll just copy it here:

"Their grandma pies and regular pies are ok, but their specialty slices are where it's at ... The thing is that they put so many toppings on them that you can only eat 2 slices before your stuffed"

I accepted Chris' challenge and took down 3 slices.

To let Trattoria's true colors shine we got a variety of specialty and classic slices.

It's true, the specialty pies are where it's at. They load em up with BIG toppings plus delicious spices and sauces that can't be beat!! We were also impressed with their reasonably thin (but dense) crust that carries all those topping with ease but doesn't fill your mouth with bread.

We got slices of the buffalo sauce, chicken and French fries, classic slices with mushroom and our favourite, the Fried Calamari Pie.

As our long time readers know DYM is real particular about our calamari. And let me tell you, Trattoria knocked it out of the park!! This pie is the best of Trattoria, they put big dollops of that tasty marinara and they're not shy with the herbs and red pepper flakes. But the one thing that may carry Trattoria to the title of this competition is TENTACLES!!!!!!! That's right folks, we finally found calamari that's not rings only, and it was on a pizza!

I already know for a fact that Pizza Vita does NOT have calamari tentacles. So they have a hard uphill battle to challenge Trattoria for the Top Step division title. But they have until week 12 to game plan for us.

Score 9/10

AMERICAS GAME OF THE WEEK

HIGHLANDERS vs. DONOVAN McNEW GUY

This is as interesting a matchup as you'll ever see in the special ed league: two teams that are near mirror images of each other.

On one side the would-be #1 overall pick who'll catch nothing but screen passes from Landry Jones for 3 weeks, and on the other the CORRECT #1 overall pick Julio Motherfucking Jones.

WR Advantage: Merritt

I can't even pretend their RBs are close. I'm sure Rob is familiar with Lesean McCoys work, he's at Miami this week.

Did you know: None of the RBs on the Cummmingham roster have had a 100 yard game (besides Melvin in week 2 as a member of DYM's squad).

RB Advantage: Merritt

They do stack up fairly well at TE (both stink) and QB (both very good). Both their QBs come in smoking hot after throwing 4 TDs each in week 5. We'll still give the advantage to Brees especially cause saint rookie Michael Thomas (boring name zzzzzz) is the newest member of the WAREWOLVES.

TE Advantage: n/a

QB Advantage: Merritt

Prediction:

HIGHLANDERS - 129.45

RANDALL CUMMMINGHAM - 98.12

Have a great week, everybody!!!!!!!

[2 Comments:]

DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Oct 20 7:50 pm

88 is a corny old-timer WR number. but for RBs 88 is pretty fucking cool

DEFEND YOUR MOVES DOT COM (Defend Your Denims) Oct 20 9:01 pm

KICKING EXPERT!!!!!!!