“The nights are gettin' warmer. It won't be long. Won't be long 'til summer comes. Now that the boys are here again.”
WHAT'S UP, SPECIAL ED?!?!
The new league year has begun with a deluge of trades and signings, and DYM is BACK to break it all down. Most years the NFL off-season is usually pretty uninteresting, most teams used to hold off on making splashy moves until the draft. But the league has really stepped it up this year with an absolute spectacle of an off-season. We knew it was getting real fuckin intense when the Russian troll bots started bringing the hot NFL takes.
hoo boy. that'd be something.
It's been an insane week, some of the leagues brightest superstars have been traded, released, arrested, and inexplicably dyed their mustaches. Let’s take a look at the biggest power moves of a whirlwind first week of the 2019 NFL year:
DAVE GETTLEMAN: FANTASY GENIUS
The NY Giants recent roster moves have been loudly derided by the football intelligencia on the internet. Dave Gettleman has cut or traded nearly all of the previous regime’s first round picks (only Evan Engram remains). He drafted an RB at #2 overall, despite having an aging mediocre QB, and has now flatly refused to even scout QBs for the second straight year. Last week he gave a 4 year deal to 30-year-old Golden Tate and a 3 year deal to 34-year-old Antoine Bethea. Doesn’t seem like the best rebuild plan, but trust the process, I guess.
On a recent RotoUnderworld podcast, Evan Silva calls it the MEGA campaign, Make Eli Great Again, and claims that Mike Francesca is the true puppet master of the Giants front office. The episode “Big Blue Bubbleboy” is really a must-listen for all NYG fans.
Giants fans should be mad, for sure. But we don’t really understand all the vitriol from these otherwise impartial Fantasy Analysts. Gettleman’s building this roster based on tried and true Fantasy Football strategies:
Pass-Catching RBs Rule. Gettleman will always take the best RB available in the first round.
DON'T draft QBs. Streaming QBs are interchangeable in-season so in the draft they don’t matter at all. Of course he’s not scouting QBs. Maybe he’ll check out the waiver wire in week 3 or so.
Slots WRs ONLY. Especially in PPR, you need those high-target-volume, high-catch-rate slot receivers in your lineup. And since Eli can't really throw it more that 10 yards downfield, Shephard, Tate, and Engram are all gonna be running shallow crossers and screens EVERY PLAY.
Negative Game Script increases passing volume. All of the above principles are dependent on identifying high-volume passing offenses. That's why Gettleman has gutted the Giants defense as well - force the offense to play from behind and they have no choice but pass the ball as much as possible.
The Giants might suck this year, but we bet Gettleman is winning all his fantasy leagues.
COLE BEASLEY: BEST RAPPER IN THE AFC EAST
All the non-Patriot teams in the AFC East made power moves last week. The biggest move in the division, and possibly the entire league was Le'veon Bell signing with the Jets. Jets fans are understandably optimistic, but a lot of people forget that the Jets had the highest paid free agent last year too and they still sucked. Sucked bad. Lev will not actually be the highest paid free agent this year, but he did get that Mason Plumlee money guaranteed. If he hits all the incentives he could even make as much as Dennis Schroder.
Although the deal was reportedly done well before the beginning of the league year, Bell kept everybody in suspense for a couple days so he could coincide the announcement with the release of his new album Life’s A Gamble. The album, like the contract, left a lot to be desired. Back when Bell was suspended for weed a couple years ago he started posting little videos of his raps, and they were pretty good! But it sounds like he’s not smoking like he used to though this time around. The new joint is on that meandering soundcloud opioid epidemic flow. He talks a lot of shit to women and raps about money but refrains from name-dropping many luxury items since the lyrics are almost exclusively monosyllabic. It’s derivative and lazy. One star.
Quietly, our Buffalo Bills have been making competitive moves as well. Frank Gore joined Chris Ivory and Shady in perhaps the oldest RB corps in the Super Bowl era. Then they got serious and signed Mitch Morse, the starting center from KC, DYM favorite John “Smokey” Brown, and the Buffalo Legend Tyler Kroft.
Then, once the Jets signed Bell, The Bills pulled the ace out their sleeve: COLE FUCKING BEASLEY!! THA KILLA BEAS!!!!! MAFIA BABY!!!!!!!!
You see, folks, Cole Beasley is a rapper too. His 2018 album The Autobiography has been hailed by critics as “actually pretty good.” He’s got the creative witty rhymes like Chance and he switches flows and juxtaposes styles as fluidly as Kendrick. Lyrics are mostly family friendly but he still takes shots at Jerry Jones. It’s 1000 times better than Le’veon’s shit. Four stars.
So, The Bills having the best rapper in the division might not seem like a big deal now but WhosHotStradamus predicts it soon will be. When the NFL shortened overtime last year it was called a “player safety initiative”, basically what they’re saying is the safest way to play football is to play less football. Soon enough Americans may be legally limited to 60 minutes of football per day. Then there will be no overtime and tie games would need to be decided by some non-football competition. A lot of people would reflexively suggest field goal kicking but fuck that, this ain't futbol, folks, this is AMERICAN Football. We’ll settle things the American Way, with rap battles!
December 14, 2021 – Ralph Wilson Stadium. Orchard Park, NY
The Buffalo Bills trail the visiting New York Jets 31-23 with two minutes remaining. Josh Allen proceeds to shred the Jet defense and leads his team on an 80 yard touchdown drive. Time expires as The Bills line up for the two point conversion and snap the ball. The Jets fully expect the QB sneak, but even with all 11 defenders in the box, they’re powerless to stop Allen as he leaps over the line and soars into the end zone spread eagle Air Jordan style.
The game ends tied at 31 and the overtime contest begins.
All the players clear the field as Mobb Deep's Shook Ones Part II begins to play over the stadium PA system.
Cole Beasley and Le’veon Bell approach midfield.
A referee holds a microphone. "Who's first?"
Le'veon take off his jersey and shoulder pads. “I’ll go first against this choke artist”
He’s got his rhymes written, reading off an iphone screen.
"Check out Vanilla Ice.
He think he nice."
The crowd groans and looks restless. Bell presses on and wins crowd back with one decent punchline just before his time expires and the music stops.
"I'm the best receiver on this field and the best runner.
How they got me out here battlin' a punter?"
Beasley looks stoic and undisturbed as the ref hands him the mic.
The Shook Ones beat starts again.
“You got one MCL. You need to see the doctor.
He gon' tell yo ass to get back on Weight Watchers”
Crowd goes crazy “OOOOOHHH!!!!”
Bell looks scared, glancing around the field he can’t make eye contact with his competitor or his team mates.
“He smokes more than Biggie and he eats more too.
Imma show you What’s Beef but you’ll never know Who Shot You.”
The crowd erupts and the benches clear.
The ref cuts off the music and grabs the mic out of Beasley's hand.
“BILLS WIN!! SHUT THIS SHIT DOWN!!!
BILLS WIN!!!!! GAME OVER, MOTHAFUCKAS!”
WHO ELSE IS MAKING MOVES?!?!
Now let’s break down the best of the rest of free agency action:
ATLANTA: Falcons signed Kenjon Barner which should be just for depth, not competition. Pretty much shows you they want Freeman in a workhorse role.
BALTIMORE: Signed Mark Ingram despite an already crowded backfield, and brought back Nick Boyle despite spending a 1st on Hayden Hurst and Mark Andrews actually being their best TE.
Also, they're letting Crabtree and John Brown walk in free agency, so now Willie Snead is literally the only WR on this roster we have heard of.
Weird ass team, man.
CHICAGO: Bears were on their way to an All-Funny-Name free agency with Ha-Ha Clinton-Dix, Cordarelle Patterson and Buster Skrine, But they somehow let Mike Davis sneak in there too. Zzzzzzz.
CLEVELAND: Browns are the early favorites for 2019 Off-Season Champs. Acquired Odell and Olivier Vernon from the Giants. Plus signed Demetrius Harris, Sheldon Richardson, and Kareem Hunt
DALLAS: Witten's coming back for some reason. smh but at least he's not on TV anymore. That was not working.
DENVER: Flacco. also smdh
DETROIT: Jesse James is a good pickup for them. But they also signed a couple former Patriots (Trey flowers, Danny Amendola) which always works out great.
GREEN BAY: Packers signed two pass rushers named Smith (Preston and Za'Darius, no relation) both of whom will make more money than Lev Bell.
HOUSTON: Texans reloaded on defense with 3 new DBs including Bradley Roby from Denver. Also franchised Clowney.
INDY: Devin Funchess! Ha! Funchess is never gonna happen, you guys.
JACKSONVILLE: Nick Foles. also ha!
KC: Carlos Hyde signing is good for Damien in the same way Barner is actually good for Freeman. Also, HONEY BADGER!
MIAMI: The Dolphins traded Tannehill to The Titans and signed Ryan Fitzpatrick. These aren’t exactly blockbuster moves, and the Dolphins are still clearly tanking, but still we know nobody in that division wants any parts of the Fitz Revenge Game. The Phins might drop 40 in every division game this year.
NEW ORLEANS: Saints re-signed Teddy Two Gloves and brought in professional vulture Lat Murray annoy Kamara owners.
OAKLAND: Mike Mayock might know what he's doing. It looks like he might have just put together a pretty fucking good WR corp. They got of the two best available WRs in Mr Big Chest and Tyrell Williams and also signed JJ Nelson. Remember JJ Nelson?
PHILLY: Desean Jackson is back and he bought a new shirt!
PITTSBURGH: Steelers replaced AB with Donte Moncrief which is actually even funnier than swapping Odell for Golden Tate.
SAN FRAN: Niners are in full Shanahanigans mode after signing Tevin Coleman. Coleman, Breida, or McKinnon would all be great by themselves on a lot of other teams (wtf, Bills!) but have no fantasy value on the same team.
TENNESSEE: Titans signed Adam Humphries and Ryan Tannehill. Ok.
WASHINGTON: Acquired Kase Keenum, who might start(?) I actually forgot who Washington’s QB was last year. They’re also bringing back Adrian Peterson, which sucks. I had hoped you guys would forget about Darrius Guice this summer, but looks like Washington forgot about him too.
HAVE A GREAT MARCH MADNESS EVERYBODY!!