What's up, Special Ed?!
We're pretty fuckin pissed off right now.
We just came across a feature on Rolling Stone dot com entitled "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time", and holy shit, you guys. The list is patently absurd.
We know they're gaslighting us but, boy, we took that fuckin bait. We got triggered like a motherfucker off that fucking article. First of all there's only one song on here from before 1950, so no Mozart, no Verdi, and none of that Chinese lady from Bill & Ted 3. So, according to this list Time After Time and Back That Azz Up are "better songs" than every aria in every Italian opera. OK, fine, whatever. So it's like "The 500 Greatest Pop Songs From The Western Hemisphere of The Last 70 Years". But even within those parameters the selections and rankings are all over the place.
Like, that Lil' Nas X song made the cut, but no Nas songs somehow.
Missy Elliott's Get Your Freak On is the #8 song "of all time". We love that song - it was our ringtone in 2002 - but come one now. It's not a better song than Purple Rain (#18) or Strange Fruit (#21). We get that this is all just somebody's opinion, and there's probably no one right answer, but opinions can also be wrong. This ranking is some anti-vax level wrong opinions. Like, you're entitled to like whatever; it's a free country and shit but, like, you're wrong.
We'll copy the whole list down at the bottom if you guys wanna drive yourselves fuckin nuts. We've got a blog-worth of qualms with just the top 20, so let's run em down:
1 - Respect - Aretha Franklin - 1967
Not a wrong answer.
We just wanna point out here the biggest snub of all snubs on this list:
There are zero (0) Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons songs. None. They wrote a play about these guys and the whole story was about their fucking genius music writing process and how fucking innovative they were. And like, yo, they got some fuckin JAMS, duke. Big Girls Don't Cry?! Walk Like a Man?! Can't Take My Eyes Off You?! Who the fuck skipped over all these and voted for Groove is in The Heart? Seriously. Hope these people all get breakthrough COVID in their dickholes.
Our pick for #1 Song of All Songs woulda been The Four Seasons' 1964 hit Dawn (go away). There's so much pain and self-loathing in this song it's incredible. Kirk Cobain didn't hate himself half as much as Frankie Valli did. Fuckin epic jam.
2 - Fight the Power - Public Enemy - 1989
We love that Public Enemy cracked the top 5, (Chuck D is a top-5-dead-or-alive rapper) but this isn't the best PE song. It's a very good song, but for pure sonacity, there are several better songs on It Takes A Nation of Millions. Our favorites are Bring The Noise (#397) or Louder Than a Bomb (unranked). And their best political track was By The Time I Get to Arizona, and that shit fucking bangs too.
3 - A Change is Gonna Come - Sam Cooke - 1964
4 - Like a Rolling Stone - Bob Dylan - 1965
5 - Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana -1991
These last two are kinda fishy to us. Like, Dylan and Nirvana were both influential, era-defining acts so you we guess one would wanna get em on the list, but we're pretty sure that Smells Like Teen Spirit is not any Nirvana fan's favorite Nirvana song, and the same is probably true for Dylan fans and Rolling Stone. These are square picks. The public driving the lines up way too high here.
We think the best Nirvana song is About A Girl, but to be honest we're pretty sure we can find 500 better songs out there. They don't need to be in the top 10.
6 - What’s Goin’ On? - Marvin Gaye - 1971
7 - Strawberry Fields Forever - The Beatles - 1967
This is an OK choice. Close. They got the right album - Sgt. Peppers is the best Beatles album. But the best song is Sgt. Peppers (reprise) - it's a little 80 second trip back in time to that old Hard Days Night sound. A real treat.
8 - Get Your Freak On - Missy Elliott - 2001
Everything after this point is a worse song than Get Your Freak On, according to Rolling Stone.
9 - Dreams - Fleetwood Mac - 1977
10 - Hey Ya! - Outkast - 2003
Another very square pick. This song isn't even in the top 500 Outkast songs. There are two other Outkast songs on the list - Bombs over Baghdad (39), and Ms. Jackson (145) - and they aren't even the best square Outkast songs. The best corny Outkast song is The Whole World (unranked) - which won a fucking Grammy!! But anybody that actually likes Outkast woulda picked either Elevators, ATLiens or 2 Dope Boyz. Obviously.
11 - God Only Knows - Beach Boys - 1966
Square as fuck.
The best Beach Boys song is California Girls, and it's not close.
Fuck outta here.
12 - Superstition - Stevie Wonder - 1972
This is really, for real, one of the best songs ever.
There's no reason to put Nirvana in the top 5, they weren't actually good.
13 - Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones - 1969
We remember back in the day Rolling Stone did like a Best Rock & Roll Songs Ever and Satisfaction was #1. On this list it's #31, right in between Royals (Lorde - 2011) and Juicy (BIG - 1994). Sure, fuck it. Why not?
14 - Waterloo Sunset - The Kinks - 1967
IDK, seems high.
15 - I Want to Hold Your Hand - The Beatles - 1963
I Want to Hold Your Hand is the Smells Like Teen Spirit of Beatles songs. Lame pick. Frankie Valli's got a dozens of better songs than this.
16 - Crazy in Love - Beyonce ft. Jay-Z - 2003
The first Jay-Z/Beyonce collabo was more of a cultural moment than a great song. There's one other Jay song on the list - 99 Problems (#96) - which, like many of the rap songs on here, is nobody's favorite song, but probably the only Jay-Z song that a lotta squares can name. Come to think of it we're surprised that New York song with Alicia Keys didn't make it on the list, people loved that song. Anyway. The CORRECT PICK here woulda been Single Ladies, which was disrespectfully ranked #228.
17 - Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen - 1975
Sometimes the squares are right.
18 - Purple Rain - Prince - 1984
Jesus. WTF. Come on. We're just getting to Prince now? Prince is ranked 18? AFTER Queen?! After Outkast?!?!
Andre fucking 3000 never woulda been allowed to exist on this earth if it wasn't for Prince.
Fuck this shit.
19 - Imagine - John Lennon - 1971
We read that John Lennon helped Bowie write Fame. That's a fuckin jam right there. It's not on the list, though. There are seven Bowie songs on the list, Heroes at #23 is the highest ranked. We might coulda put a Bowie song in the top 20, but our personal favorite is the gleefully dystopian Oh! You Pretty Things - it's a song about human evolution!
20 - Dancing on My Own - Robyn - 2010
To us Robyn's career started and ended in 1997 with Show Me Love. That's one of the Z100 classics that'd get stuck in our head ALL DAY in high school.
We only recently learned that Robyn was NOT a one-hit wonder. Apparently gay dudes are really into her. Who knew?!
NEW STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You guys, Star Wars Visions fucking RULES!!!!!!!!
The great thing about this anthology is that there's a wide variety of different Jedi and Sith origin stories - and none of them are Palpatines or Skywalkers. We finally got the democratized power of the force that we predicted would be featured in Episode IX.
Back then we thought "Rey Nobody" and "Broom Boy" were gonna be a thing, so we've been into this concept for a while, and now we can see it play out on screen for the first time. Now anyone can be a Jedi. When we see so many different permutations of force powers, the line between the dark side and the light becomes very thin - Jedi can be passionate, and Sith can be empathetic.
But most importantly, Visions is also the sexiest Star War ever -
Lola Bunny is a Jedi, General Grievous is a hot little blonde chick, and there's a bunch of other hot Jedi/Sith chicks that wear high heels and coronavirus masks like Kitana from Mortal Kombat.