SHOUT OUT TO PLAXICO BURRESS!!!!!
We just read the funniest fuckin shit ever, you guys.
The cops claim that their guns are just shooting people all by themselves now.
A months-long investigative report by The Washington Post found more than 100 people willing to claim, on record, “that they had experienced an accidental firing - all involving the same weapon, the Sig Sauer P320.”
It was super-helpful of The WaPo to go the trouble of finding all those totally credible witnesses, cause it just so happens that a bunch of police departments had already filed a class action lawsuit against the gun manufacturer.
You might think the cops are making up these stories so they can say they're not shooting civilians on purpose. But if you think that, you're giving the cops way too much credit, cause the article is full of stories of cops shooting THEMSELVES in the ass and thighs. And holy shit it's soooo funny:
"In September 2022, an officer’s P320 sent a bullet into the thigh of his partner while he searched an abandoned vehicle."
"Michael Parker, a welder, said his holstered P320 fired a bullet into his thigh..."
"Police officer Brittany Hilton said her holstered P320 fired while inside her purse ... The bullet entered her groin and exited her back just inches from the base of her spine."
Entered her groin?!? Oh damn, that's kinda hot.
"Navy veteran Dionicio Delgado said his P320 fired a bullet through his thigh and into his calf after he holstered it..."
"In April 2022, a surveillance camera captured Officer Ashley Catatao, 35, carrying equipment bags to her car in the Somerville Police Department’s parking lot in suburban Boston. With her hands full, her holstered P320 fires, striking her thigh."
HAHAHA!!!!! OH SHIT!!! THERES VIDEO?!?!
Oh yea there's video:
Here's a slow-mo video of a school security guard shooting himself in the leg in front of a bunch of kids in the lunch line. It's so good. This is the kinda shit that makes people believe in Karma right here. Musta been the best day ever for those kids.
This story is a treat, but we especially enjoyed the extra-dramatic photos these cops posed for. They're all trying to look so resolute, Like they're survivors. These cops are out for justice now and they're never gonna let a gun shoot them again.
HA!!! Fuck cops, yo!!!!!
Obviously the official DYM take on this story is that it's actually ghosts shooting these cops in the ass. (Case closed. You're welcome.) But there's another angle here that's very worth mentioning:
Sig Sauer - the maker of the gun that shoots itself - just announced last month that they have acquired General Robotics - maker of the US Army's drones and tactical robots.
That's cool! Definitely nothing can go wrong there!!!
Then, just yesterday Mayor Adams announced that the NYPD is looking to add robots to the force later this year.
The "digidog" robot cop was originally slated to roll out in NYC in 2021, but DeBlasio shut it down when activists pointed out that robot cops weren't equipped for social work and community outreach.
But now that these idiot human cops sued the gun company that also makes police robots, we think there's gonna be a big push to get robocops rolled out nationwide. That way, in the future it'll just be stupid fucking robots shooting themselves in the ass and groin.
SEXY SEXY STAR WARS!!!!!
Mandalorian Season 3 wraps up next week and we still feel more or less the same about it as we did last month. They're still cramming a bunch of unrelated story arcs together just so they can preview characters from other new Disney SW shows. We still don't really get why they decided to do this, but they did, and once you accept it it's a lot easier to cope with the defects in storytelling.
None of the important things that happen in this show actually happen to Mando. One could argue that Mando isn't even the protagonist anymore (or that there isn't one at all), because his problems have such low stakes and he doesn't work very hard for his accomplishments. The important things in this show are when they introduce new characters or new themes that are portentous for the future of Disney Star Wars. With that being said, last week's episode "Chapter 22: Hired Guns" portends very well, because Star Wars is SEXY again!!!!!
This was another Starbuck-heavy episode, which is always welcome. Starbuck could get it from way back in the Battlestar Galactica days -- and age-40 Starbuck is still smokin hot. She knows what she's workin with too. Every episode this season has at least a couple shots of her walking away from the camera like this. 🥵
Episode 6 starts off hot and heavy with this freaky squid chick giving her boyfriend a tentacle job, right before he gets absconded by the sexiest of all Mandalorian mercenaries - WWE's Sasha Banks!!!
After that Mando watches Starbuck walk for a bit.
Later they meet Lizzo who's the queen of a planet and has a very physical relationship with Jack Black. As soon as the Mandos arrive, Lizzo and Jack Black invite them to an alien swingers party.
The party is a who's-who of the grossest and slimiest Star Wars aliens, and they're all getting wasted sucking on something JB calls "secretions". It's all gross and highly suggestive.
Next they met the first ever confirmed female Ugnaught.
This was a categorically unnsexy scene.
To be honest we're pretty disappointed to learn that Ugnaughts as a species have almost no sexual dimorphism. SMGDH. Yet another unjustifiable writing decision. This one's gotta be Favreau's idea. That guy is extremely low-T. We feel like Jon Favreau hasn't had a boner since the 90's.
Later, they happened upon a "droid bar" which has got to be the most degenerate shit ever in Star Wars. Droids gettin all sloppy on "lubricants". There was even a droid hooker outside!!! Gotta think there musta been a bunch of stupid droid cops in a spot like that -- and they all shot themselves in the ass later that night.
That was hot, but the announcements out of Star Wars Celebration last weekend were fuckin SMOKIN!!!
We finally got a trailer for the long-awaited Ahsoka show. We were super hyped to find out that the show would feature Ahsoka's very sexy crewmates from Star Wars Rebels.
We already knew that Rosario Dawson as a grown-up Ahsoka was undeniably sexy, and the rest female characters in the trailer look fine as fuck too. We've always wanted to see Sabine Wren (a Mandalorian) and Hera Syndulla (Twi'lek 🥵) in live action. This is gonna be incredible.
Sabine is played by this hilariously-named young woman - Natasha Liu Bordizzo.
You might remember her from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, which is one of the low-key sexiest movies of all time. Natasha is half-Chinese and half-Italian and she's from Australia, and we wanna marry her now. She's gonna wear all kindsa different color wigs in Ahsoka and we're gonna lose our mind!!!!!
The Twi'lek space captain Hera Syndulla will be played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who happens to be married to Ewan McGregor.
There may be a bit of Star Wars nepotism at work here, but MEW has serious hot-chick bonafides. She's 38 now, and when she was a teenager she was on Passions - the very sexiest of all American soap operas.
By far the biggest Star Wars news of the week is the imminent return of Rey in Episode X - The New Jedi Order. This was a pretty big surprise for us. We like to joke about Episode X, but we never really thought it was gonna happen.
The announcement was pretty light on details - there's only two things we know for sure: REY IS BACK and THERE'S GONNA BE GHOSTS!!!!!
We feel like Daisy Ridley is pretty underrated in the pantheon of sexy Star Wars women. That's partly because she was only 21 when they made The Force Awakens, and she was playing a teenager, so they didnt sex her up much in that first movie. But now that Daisy and Rey are both over 30 we can loudly proclaim that DAISY RIDLEY CAN GET IT!!!!!
We love you, Daisy!
Given that there are like 50 Star Wars movies now, these announcements shouldn't really be this surprising to us anymore. But we really thought Episode X wasn't supposed to happen.
We seem to recall that George Lucas had once said that he originally envisioned a nine-part Star Wars saga. We're pretty sure he said that ... and for some reason we thought the new Disney-Star Wars group was sticking to that basic format.
Since it looks we're in for the long haul with DR, we popped open our old AI-generated Art app and got it to make some pictures made of older, middle-aged versions of Daisy Ridley as Rey.
During the process of making those pics we got to thinking -- with her wide jaw and tough chin, Daisy Ridley might also make a very sexy Batman someday. Not sure if Warner Bros is interested in hiring actual actresses for their Batman shit, but we might as well take a look-see anyway.