What's up, Special Ed?!?!?!?!
It's Super Bowl Week and your boy Kyrie is back!!! I had to play basketball 5 times last week and I'm fuckin beat. I'm back home now - the squad is playing those bum-ass Celtics tonight it Brooklyn. So I got a little time right now before I gotta go help AB watch film, he can't see shit in those stupid sunglasses.
I made a few notes for DYM on the CJ marketing materials they rolled out this weekend:
In my opinion, the most important addition we made the the CJ 'verse this week is CJ's tits.
Way back in The CUM JESUS FAQ we said CJ was born a hermaphrodite, and would grow up to have huge tits and a huge schlong but have a more-or-less asexual lifestyle. That's important both narratively and symbolically, but DYM's lazy-ass art department has just been using the same unedited picture of Xerxes from The 300 for over a year-and-a-half now.
WELL, THAT ENDS TODAY!!! Some of you mighta already noticed that they updated the banner at the top of this page with CJ's new torso. It's hot. We have two different versions where we went to some websites that sell nipplering-chains and we screencapped the models' titties. Check em out.
Those tits are AMAZING!!! Motherfuckin TITTY MODELS, you guys!!!!! We never really considered that there's such a thing as nipple models -- like when George Costanza was a hand model, right? Except nipples. Fucking exquisite.
He still doesn't have a dick yet, cause honestly it's hard to find a nice pic of a flaccid dong online. All the dudes that post dick pics on /r/MenGoneWild get em hard first so they can show off; and the sex shops usually model their cockrings on dildos (also erect), which is EXACTLY the type of SEXIST BULLSHIT we're trying to subvert in this story.
Anyway, that might not be a super big deal cause we're probably gonna have to roll out the PG-Rated versions in any official products or public-facing marketing for the time being.
The other thing DYM fucked up this weekend is they posted the WRONG CARDS!!!!! Yea, I made a tarot card deck of the CJ & Friends characters but those are for my own personal use. They weren't intended to be available for purchase -- but if you want em, venmo $40 to @Russell-Bernstein.
I'm using those cards for my Kobe-style MuseCage.
Now more than ever, in these troubled times, everybody needs a MuseCage, you guys. If it wasn't for my MuseCage I mighta gone fuckin crazy this past couple years. I've seen some of my closest friends and loved ones succumb to the COVID Madness. But anytime my jumper's not feelin' wet, or I get writer's block, or even if I'm just feelin' a little blue, I eat a handful of mushrooms and crawl into my closet to surround myself with the pictures of chimeras and SNL cast members. I come out feelin' right as rain every time.
I don't expect you guys to decipher all the ancient symbols in the CUM JESUS TAROT, and we certainly don't expect stupid American kids to get it either. So we made these Pokemon-style cards for all of yall. They're a bit more informative and WAY more marketable:
FUCK THE CELTICS!!!!!
MISS CLEO'S SUPER BOWL PLAYER OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Matt Stafford (UNDER 279.5)!!!!!!
DYM SUPER BOWL PROP PICKS!!!!
Cooper Kupp Rec yds. VS Atlanta Hawks pts
We like Kupp here. The Hawks are playing the Celtics in Boston early Sunday. The Celtics are the NBA's #4 defense, allowing 103 points per game at home. They haven't allowed over 120 since early December. Kupp has gone over 120 rec yds in 6 of the last 9 games.
Ja'Marr Chase Receptions
Over 5.5 is heavily shaded and for good reason. Chase has caught at least 6 balls in 7 of the last 9 games. Might throw this one in some parlays.
Three of the last seven Gatorade baths have been blue, so a lotta people are gonna be thinking blue is the favorite this year. BUT, as you can see below, all the recent Blue Gatorades have been Brady teams.
ORANGE, on the other hand, has had near universal appeal - used by 5 different teams over the last 11 years. We're going heavy on Orange, and might hedge with a little "Clear."
SPECIAL ED PLAYOFF EDITION!!!!
The first annual Special Ed Playoff Invitational is heading for a thrilling finish. Three different teams have each won a week and there are now four (or maybe five) teams still in contention.
Kull won wildcard week (told yall!!!), Doug Tacos won the divisional, and a moribund Team DYM won the conference 'chip week. The Commish has been in second every week and sits at #1 overall with a mere 1 point lead over Kull the Konqueror. The biggest margin of victory so far was DYM's 32 point win last week, so we'd say - technically - Mike Stanley is still alive too.
It seems like it's gonna be really hard to figure out which guys each team has used on this site, so we're not gonna try. We would assume everybody here realizes that Team DYM is gonna be VERY Ram-heavy. We blew our Bengals load a long time ago.
Along with the prop bets, we're gonna be betting on Rams Moneyline on Sunday too. That's what we want to happen - and what we think is gonna happen - for a few reasons:
First of all we don't want any AFC team to win a Super Bowl before the Bills do.
We don't hate Matt Stafford at all, the Lions treated him like garbage, he deserves this.
But most importantly, as DYM Scholars know, The Ghost of Kobe demands at least one LA Championship every year - The Dodgers fuckin blew it this past season, and the Lakers are fucked, so it's Rams or bust.