BEING OLD
We're feeling old these days.
Joints are aching, tired all the time. Being over 40 sucks. If any of you guys haven't turned forty yet, you should definitely avoid it, if at all possible. Our younger brother turned forty a month ago and now he has gout - true story.
The Commish had the right idea - don't ever turn 40.
We wanted to write a thing about how old we feel and wanted to use this picture of Clint Eastwood from that one movie. So we went to google image search and typed “clint eastwood el camino” which was actually an autocorrect cause we thought the movie was called “El Dorado.”
Turns out the movie is called “Gran Torino”, and it came out FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!!! Holy shit we're old. Like, not as old as Clint Eastwood obviously but like, old tho.
Anyways, we fuckin lost it last weekend cause our kid didn't wanna go to the dump with us. We could not fucking believe that kids don’t like going to the dump. Throwing shit into the big dumpsters and watching the compactors crush shit was the number one most fun thing for a little kid to do in the 80's. The dump fucking rules. We gave the kid the whole "when we were your age" speech --- then we smoked a doobie and played giant basketball at the dump by ourselves.
The other thing that made us feel old recently is this story we saw on twitter about how cops were entrapping leftist organizers in Colorado. Allegedly, the feds infiltrated this ANTIFA group and didn't find any crimes being committed so they set the organizers up on bogus charges.
SMGDH.
Back when we were leftist organizers, we used to just do crimes right there in the office. There was no need to entrap any of us. These kids should be embarrassed. They're getting played by the cops and they didn't even do anything cool.
We went to jail one time back in the day and one of our co-workers was already there!!! Another time, one of our guys got busted selling guns during the work day, except he didn't need cops to trick him into doing it!!!!!
Folks, if the cops are entrapping you, that just means you're not doing enough crimes.
THE WORST BATMAN EVER?!?!
In general we haven't gotten into any DC Universe shows on the CW Network. Even though a lotta people said The Flash and the other "Arrowverse" shows were worth watching, we never tuned in cause we know The CW only makes garbage TV.
But when we heard this new Batman-adjacent show Gotham Knights was pulling the lowest rotten tomatoes score of any DC television series - we had to check it out. After four episodes the RT critics score has actually dropped from a pre-premier score of 33% all the way down to 18% as of today (4/5/23).
Technically Batman & Robin (1997) still has a lower RT critics score at 12%, but in our professional opinion, Gotham Knights is definitively THE WORST BATMAN EVER. This is Batman history in the making, and DYM is here for it!!!
Right at the start of the first episode we learn that Bruce Wayne is dead. Only this time, apparently, none of his friends know about the Lazarus Pits so he's all the way dead. Like dead dead.
The main character is this kid named Turner Hayes (they made him up for the show, don't bother googling him). Bruce Wayne had adopted Turner several years earlier and never told him that he’s Batman. Turner just thought Bruce was working late every night and he was somehow unaware of the like half-dozen other kids that Bruce adopted. The best part in the Pilot is where Turner realizes that there's been a Robin in the house with him the whole time and he never noticed. Robin takes off her mask and he goes “Hey! I know you”, it's so dumb.
Anyways, now this kid who knows nothing about Batman is gonna be the new Batman to avenge his adopted father, with whom he had a distant and impersonal relationship.
This is the first 15 minutes of episode 1. It's truly the worst Batman ever.
Later, Turner has to team up with the Robin and a bunch of other teenagers who also have dysfunctional familial relationships. So every episode is like 50% bad Batman story and 50% bad afterschool special. The writing is shit, but the acting is HORRENDOUS. The principal cast is about half Disney Channel or soap opera veterans, and half actual teenagers with shorter IMDB resumes than Dave Maulbeck.
Like this chick who's supposed to be the Joker's daughter, so she tries to speak with a weird cadence and have little tics like Heath Ledger did, but it comes off more like a Jeff Goldblum impression.
She's awful.
The girl that plays Robin is actually 17, but she's the among most seasoned actresses in the cast, having appeared in 5 seasons of That's So Raven.
The funny thing about her is the Robin character is often frustrated by the other kids' incompetence - and you can tell she's channeling some very real emotions in those scenes.
The Robin in this show is the Frank Miller "Dark Knight Returns" version. It's the same backstory where Batman fights the Mutant Gang in her neighborhood, then she puts on green goggles and follows Batman around for a while.
In the first few eps the Mutant Gang and green goggle Robin have been heavily featured. That's cool cause "Dark Knight Returns" is one of the all time best Batman stories. Ronald Reagan and the chick with swastikas tattooed on her ass and titties haven't showed up yet but we'll definitely let yall know if they do.
Elsewhere, there are a few of-age women on this show who CAN GET IT, even though they can't act for shit.
This is Anna Lore, she has 37 IMDB credits, all for things that you have definitely never seen. She plays Stephanie Brown who's supposed to become a very sexy Robin and also a Batgirl someday.
Obviously they already have a Robin, but we can't imagine this show will be around long enough for that to become an issue.
This is Fallon Smythe, she's fine but she might not even be an actress. She plays Harper Row, who later becomes a Batman-allied superhero called Bluebird in the comics.
Hopefully once this show gets cancelled they'll let Fallon get a Bluebird spin-off cause this chick is a DIME. Pretty much the only legitimate reason to watch this show is because Fallon Smythe is in it and she has blue hair 🥵.
THE NIKE BURROW!!!!!
Shout out to Cool Joe Burrow for getting his own Nike branded shoe.
Joe is clearly a DYM scholar. He'll be stuntin on his family this off-season in these COVID-era house shoes.
NFL DRAFT PREVIEW!!!!
Ever since Chad Johnson became Ochocinco, funny names have been predominant among young NFL players. The names have just gotten funnier and funnier the last few years. And this year - with names like Bijan Robinson, Zay Flowers and Jaxon Smith-Njigba at the top of the board - we could be in for the funniest named draft class in NFL history.
Here's a few of the other ridiculous names that Roger Goodell is gonna have to say out loud on draft night:
YaYa Diaby- DL - Louisville
YaYa ran a 4.51 forty and is considered the most athletic defensive lineman in this year's draft. According to wikipedia both the Y's in YaYa are capitalized.
Izzy Abanikanda - RB - Pitt
Israel "Izzy" Adewale Abanikanda, what a name.
Izzy went to Lincoln High School in Brooklyn. Other notable Lincoln alumni include Lee Mazzilli, Marv Albert, Neil Sedaka, and Stephon Marbury.
Xazavian Valladay - RB - Arizona St.
We love almost any name with an X or a Z in it, and Xazavian has BOTH!! It's the unlikeliest of names.
O'Cyrus Torrence - OL - Florida
For real? O'Cyrus?? With the apostrophe?!?! Incredible.
Rejzohn Wright - CB - Oregon St.
We just stared at the name Rejzohn for like 10 minutes, it's mesmerizing.
We have some theories about how it might be pronounced.
Kyu Blu Kelly - CB - Stanford
This guy's dad played in the NFL for 11 seasons (won a SB with Tampa in '02), and his name is "Brian" so he knew exactly what the fuck he was doing when he named his kid Kyu Blu. That's how you set your kid up for success.
Dontayvion Wicks - WR - Virginia
Wikipedia says that Dontayvion "played wide receiver and quarterback in high school." We like to imagine he just threw the ball real high then ran under it and caught his own passes like Bugs Bunny. Dontayvion fuckin rules.
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Mohamoud Diabate (DE) - This guy could play in the NFL for a decade and we're still gonna think it says "diabetes" every time we see his name.
Carrington Valentine (CB) & Demario Douglas (WR) - These woulda been first-tier funny names in the Danny Woodhead days. They're kinda pedestrian by today's standards tho.
Henry Bainivalu (OL) & Henry To'oTo'o (LB) - Henry is a trash first name, but both of these guys are making the most of it with outright hilarious last names.
Tank Bigsby (RB) - Gonna be fun to cheer for this guy. LETS GO TANK!!!
