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DEFEND YOUR MOVES OFF-SEASON 2022 #11!!!!!!!!!!!

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What's up, Special Ed?!?!?!

There's a lotta bad news in the news again this month. But DYM's not worried, it's still not the end of the world yet - Terrence Howard got this.

Wait. Terrence Howard?

Yup, Terrence Howard.


According to news sources out of Africa, the renowned "movie actor" Terrence Howard recently visited Uganda, where he's secured the government's cooperation with a new "Hydrogen Technology Initiative". We have no idea what this means, but your boy DJay says all our problems are solved.

"I have been awarded 96 patents in science and technology and have discovered a new math. My purpose and mission is to bring balance to our planet by restoring a safe place for the animal kingdom to thrive and to bring mankind into a new era of truth, love and consciousness."

Terrence Howard also has a website where he purports to demonstrate that 1x1=2. We have no reason to doubt him, but you guys are free to check it out if you want. Just an FYI, we guess.

 

HEAT WAVE!!!!!

WOOOO BOY it was HOT outside last week!!! Too damn hot, if you ask us. We were drinking outside all week and probly got heat stroke half a dozen times.

The weather's a bit more reasonable now, so we're heading back INSIDE cause there so much HOT shit coming out on TV this next month. We might not watch one more inning of baseball this summer!!!


SUMMERSLAM

First up - This Saturday (7/30) we got WWE SUMMERSLAM on PEACOCK. It's gonna be a fucking BLOCKBUSTER EVENT!!! Roman Reigns' "Bloodline" crew has been the dominant force in pro-wrestling since 2020. Reigns has been WWE Universal Champion for about 2 years now (670 days as of this saturday), the longest consecutive streak in WWE history. His cousins The Usos, are currently the unified WWE Tag-Team Champs.

But that all comes to an end this weekend at SUMMERSLAM!!!!!


DYM's hairstyle muse Brock Lesnar is BACK to reclaim his rightful spot atop the WWE universe. Brock is the actual best wrestler that's ever been in WWE and he apparently feels no pain, so he's an absolute joy to watch in the ring. If the Beast Incarnate can't take down Reigns, nobody can.

Then, the Usos are GOING DOWN to one-time champs The Street Profits who’ve been due for a come back.

Plus the great Pat McAfee steps out from behind the mic and enters the ring against everyone's nemesis Happy Corbin. Everything McAfee does is fucking gold. WE CAN'T WAIT!!!!!


SHE-HULK

A couple weeks later (8/17), Disney+ is FINALLY releasing the series about our wife She-Hulk. As DYM Scholars mighta guessed, She-Hulk can fuckin GET IT!!!!!! We LOVE us some She-Hulk from waaay back.

She's easily the sexiest female Marvel superhero. Now she might even eclipse Garsa Fwip and Tinkerbell's brunette friend to become the new overall #1 sexiest lady on Disney+.


New Games of Thrones

Later that same week (8/21) HBO is rolling out a new Game of Thrones prequel called House of the Dragon. We're all for new pseudo-mythologies especially if they're pro-dragon. But we're only cautiously optimistic at best for this one. GoT is gonna have to earn our trust back.


New Thor

The following week we're goin back to Disney+ for the streaming release of Thor: Love & Thunder. Sure you could go see Thor in theaters right now but we don't really get to know a movie until we can watch it in 20-30 minute chunks over the course of a week or so. That should be the last week of August.


We're morbidly curious about this new Thor flick. We're not sure that Thor (the god) is supposed to age at the same rate as normal humans, but Chris Hemsworth for sure looks ten years older than he did in Thor 1.

2011 2022

It's an issue we've been thinking about a lot these days cause we just caught up with Westworld this past month. That show is on season four right now but it actually started over six years ago. That's a problem cause a lot of the actors who play robots are starting to look older. It just so happens that the biggest offender is Chris Hemsworth's older brother Luke.

2016 2022

When we started binging Westworld, the wife popped in for one episode but she said: "This show is dumb. It's so obvious which ones are the robots." We had a good laugh cause James Marsden is like the worst actor ever, so Teddy (in season 1) was the role he was born to play.

The wild thing is that at the time we had no idea that Bernard or Stubbs were robots but the wife totally called it!!!

 

STREAMERS!!! NO MATT RYAN!!!!!

There's been a stirring debate in the Special Ed group text about which streaming video service is our favorite (if any). Obviously we're partial to Disney+ and HBOMax. But since the NFL is yet to decide who will provide Sunday Ticket after DirecTV's contract ends this coming season, this is a particularly pertinent conversation right now. And of course the opinions expressed in DYM have been known to influence world events.

LETS GOOO!!!!

We set out to rank every streaming service - except netflix, cause it's trash and everyone knows it.

As always the DYM research and statistics departments employed their most subjective and unscientific techniques:

  • First we opened all the apps and tried to remember our favorite and least favorite things about each one. We wrote it all down, along with whether the apps suck in general.

  • Then we searched for "Ghosts" and "Aliens" and tallied up the number of results to see who's side they're on.

  • Some apps are really just TV channels, which is a stupid idea for an app. Except for HBO cause it's not TV, it's HBO.

  • Along the way we noticed a bunch of apps were heavily promoting original shows/movies about the military, especially Navy SEALS, which seemed like a red flag. So we'll also let you guys know which apps are producing government propaganda and which aren't.

.

  • Then we assigned a numeric value to each thing we wrote down and added up their scores. CHECK IT OUT!!!


#1: DISNEY+

Disney has a pretty unfair advantage 'cause they have all the Star Wars. What put them over the top is that they DON'T make movies any about REAL wars.

We honestly would still pay for this app if it ONLY had Star Wars. All the Disney, Pixar, and Marvel stuff is just gravy. The app is very attractive and easy to use. We feel like the catalog on D+ is smaller than other apps overall, but it is expanding: They recently brought in all the old (non-disney) X-Men stuff, even the R-rated ones like Logan and Deadpool!!!

Unfortunately, they still haven't regained the rights to a lot of cool stuff that Disney distributed back in the day, like the Studio Ghibli movies, those are on HBO (for now).


What's our favorite thing on there, besides Star Wars?

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

What's the worst?

Taylor Swift: folklore the long pond studio sessions

Anything cool coming out later this summer?

SHE-motherfuckin-HULK!!! LETS GOOOO!!!!!

Does the app suck?

Nope

Is it TV?

Mostly TV

Do they produce US Military propaganda?

NOPE!!!

Aliens or ghosts?

100% GHOSTS!!!


#2: HBOMAX

Even though we watched HBO through our TV back in the day, HBO is not and has never been TV.

All of HBO's classic not-TV content is available on the HBOMAX app today (except Da Ali G Show). Much like how we woulda bought Disney+ just for the Star Wars, we would buy an HBO app just for Sopranos, The Wire, and season 1 of True Detective. And on top of all that they have a library of DC Comics shit with more content than Marvel and Star Wars combined. And DYM Readers know a lot of the DC content has been EXCELLENT.


What's our favorite thing on there, besides Batman?

Dune

What's the worst?

Robin Hood (2018) - starring Jamie Foxx

Anything cool coming out later this summer?

New Games of Thrones.

Does the app suck?

No

Is it TV?

It's not TV, it's HBO

Do they produce US Military propaganda?

Yes

Aliens or ghosts?

Both


#3: AMAZON PRIME

Last year we used to talk a lot about how there were no good pandemic movies. And this one flick on Amazon was the absolute quintessence of bad pandemic movies.

It's called THE TOMORROW WAR and we like to tell people that it was written and directed by Chris Pratt to keep their expectations low.

Tomorrow War is an extremely ambitious film. It combines all the worst elements of a bad alien movie, a bad time travel movie, AND a bad war movie.

Plus the dialogue is just horrendous. Apparently the whole Pratt family are big Dolphin fans. So it's the first thing Chris and his dad ask about when they meet people from the future. But for some reason they only refer to the team as "THE Miami Dolphins" like they're Ohio State or something. We found it very off-putting


What's our favorite thing on there?

Chris Pratt's The Tomorrow War

What's the worst?

Chris Pratt's The Tomorrow War

Anything cool coming out later this summer?

They're pumping a new Chris Pratt joint called The Terminal List where CP plays - you guessed it - a Navy SEAL.

We just pursued the first season and it looks like he spends three whole episodes buried in the mud like Arnold in Predator.

Does the app suck?

Yea. And the web version is worse cause the search results screen looks like an Amazon shopping page, so we always gotta doublecheck to make sure we're not actually paying for shit.

Is it TV?

No, and not in a good way. It's closer to youtube.

Do they produce US Military propaganda?

Oooooh yea.

Aliens or ghosts?

Both, but slightly leaning toward ghosts


#4: PEACOCK

Peacock should have everything that was on NBC but it DOESN'T!!!!

Our favorite thing ever on NBC was Late Night with Conan O'Brien, especially when they did "In The Year 2000" that shit was hilarious. Fortunately you can find most of those bits on YouTube.


The only good reason to get Peacock is for the WWE pay-per-views. If you watch one a year you get your money's worth.


What's our favorite thing on there besides WWE?

John Wick 1, 2, and 3

What's the worst?

Saturday Night Live from the late 2000's or 2010's; or anything else written by Seth Meyers.

Anything cool coming out later this summer?

SUMMERSLAM!!!!!

Does the app suck?

Yes

Is it TV?

Yes

Do they produce US Military propaganda?

Yes

Aliens or ghosts?

both (?) (hard to tell 'cause their search sucks)


#5: PARAMOUNT+

I have no idea why we still have Paramount+. The new South Park movies are on there but we always forget cause there's a ton of other places you can watch South Park. They also have a lot of other Comedy Central and MTV shows (like Jersey Shore), and a lot of bad James Marsden movies (like Sonic The Hedgehog).


What's our favorite thing on there besides Jersey Shore?

MTV's Celebrity Death Match.

What's the worst?

🤷‍♂️

Anything cool coming out later this summer?

🤷‍♂️

Does the app suck?

Yes. And the search on the web interface barely works at all.

Is it TV?

Yes

Do they produce US Military propaganda?

Yes

Aliens or ghosts?

Aliens


#6: APPLE TV+

The heir-apparent to the Sunday Ticket throne is still probably our least-watched streaming app. Every once in a while we hear about a show on Apple that seems cool and we always skip it. Like, we heard Ted Lasso is good but it doesn't feel like we're missing a big cultural moment or anything.


The confusing thing about Apple TV is it'll show you a lot of stuff that's actually on other apps. So we're not entirely sure how we're supposed to use it, honestly. One time we forgot which app Tomorrow War was on so we searched for it on Apple. Apple gave us a link to Amazon and we haven't been back since.


What's our favorite thing on there?

Chris Pratt's The Tomorrow War (?)

Anything cool coming out later this summer?

no idea.

Does the app suck?

maybe

Is it TV?

yes

Do they produce US Military propaganda?

Maybe. Again, it's hard to tell what's actually on this app.

Aliens or ghosts?

Looks like advantage ghosts, but still hard to tell.


#7(DNP): HULU

Hulu seems like AppleTV for people with android phones. Somehow it's just as confusing as Apple, as hard to navigate as Amazon, and has worse originals than Netflix.

Why is there Showtime and Fox shit on here? They have their own apps already!!! SMGDH.


We don't watch Hulu.

BUT we read this thing in the news the other day about how The Democrats are mad at Hulu for NOT running their propaganda on the app. It’s a heroic stance by the entire Disney family of companies. Still don’t see any reason not to just use the Fox and Showtime apps but tip-or-the-cap to Hulu nonetheless.




THE REAL #1: REG CABLE

Regular cable TV is the original and still the best. There haven't been any major changes to the way we watch TV on TV since they invented TiVo 25 years ago. But we say: "If it aint broke dont fix it"!!!!!


TV still rules. Most importantly, NFL football is still on TV for at least one more year.

Plus, we have Gameshow Network and like five other channels that also show Family Feud. Can't beat that.

And it's not just Steve Harvey!!! Cable on-demand these days has pretty much all the same shit you can get on the stream apps (except Ted Lasso maybe). Sure, sometimes they charge for TV on demand episodes - but we've got a novel solution for all you guys who're already paying for Cable and Apps. We call it "reverse cord cutting" , and it's becoming a more viable option all the time. Think about it - if you got like $30+ in app fees every month that's like a couple dozen on-demand shows. How much TV are you guys really watching anyway? There's nothing good on.


What's our favorite thing on there, besides Family Feud?

What's the worst?

Lamestream Fake News

Anything cool coming out later this summer?

NFL SUNDAY TICKET!!!! LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does the app suck?

It's not bad!!! They just came out with a new version that's better than the old one. And we like using our phone as a remote.

Is it TV?

well, yes.

Do they produce US Military propaganda?

yes

Aliens or ghosts?

Ghosts (search count on DTV was 67-30. That's ~70% ghost).


 

MISS CLEO'S OFF-SEASON PLAYER(S) OF THE WEEK!!!!!!!

AARON JONES

UNDER 1300.5 rushing+receiving

YA DUNNO!!!!!


 

HAVE A GREAT SUMMERSLAM EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!


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